I Dare You To Keep Up With Me II–Mental Illness=Pain
Alright, I’ve just taken my Seroqeul and Imovane. And had something to eat. They say that Seroquel is better metabolized with food so I might be passed out half way through this post.
Bipolar is a bitch. She’s a cunt. A living hydra. Add in the ADD and the impulsivity just gets worse. It always has for me.
Basically, I suck. But the thing is, I have to suck in order to live. Yes, it sounds strange, demeaning but it is just me. I can not change! I have to accept who I am.
A lot of the time people think I am so “together.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Even this blog can be a foil.
I think about this blog and how coherent or dare I say, cogent it is, how I try to get “off topic” about all the head shit but really, it’s me and who I am. The “head shit” is a big part of me and I think (and still think) it should be the primary focus of this blog. I really don’t think people want to read about the mundane, hourly accounts of how I spend (or not spend) my day.
But I’ll tell you right now. Bipolar and other mental illnesses are not pretty. See my last post about self harm and punching walls! I won’t link…if you’re not finding this off the main page it’s categorized under “Cutting,” for one.
There are also suicide attempts and successes. I’m sure this is hardly an astute statement.
But what is hardly expressible, qualifiable or quantifiable is the pain. What can I say about that? It’s as individual as each person who carries the diagnosis or who fights their illness persistently.
It’s absolute anguish, though. You can not know until you have experienced it.
As far as Bipolar goes, if you are lucky, you can experience relative periods of stability and you almost forget what it feels like to be “unwell.” That is if your meds work. And maybe if you have some decent supports around you that you can rely upon?
And there are so many “classifications” of Bipolar in the DSM-IV (of which I am not a fan) and the ICD-10 (which does give a bit more latittude.) But Bipolar manifests itself in so many ways and changes with triggers and over time. Again a hydra with the possibly of even growing more heads.
I only know intimately the struggles with my own illnesses of Bipolar, ADD, and to a lesser extent Seizures and Migraines (the latter aren’t too bad.) But I’ve met and spoken to many people with severe OCD, MDD, Aspergers, HFA, NVLD, PDD-NOS (okay, let’s just do the whole Spectrum…) PTSD, BPD, Tourettes…what else…?
Bottom line? We’re all in unbelievable pain.
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The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Who Wants to Buy This Blog?
My blog is worth $22,581.60.
How much is your blog worth?
Whoops! You guys lost your chance at a real bargain in buying my blog!
Its value has now shot up from a measly few dollars to $22,581.60!
However, it's still on the market if anyone wants it. Just email me.
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
Dr. PA Available For Consultations:
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
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This describes some explanation because PA is a woman, and the female blogger badge was pink.
1. She cannot stand colour used for gender distinction. Therefore, this badge is to be used in protest.
2. The pink one was lacking "aesthetic" qualities.
3. Blue looks better in her side bar, anyway!
There are some more award badges down there.
I had completely forgotten who gave them to me. Bad PA.
Amazingly, I managed to figure out most. The appropriate "Thank You" hovers are there.
June 23, 2007 at 2:15 am
Well writen PA!!
Hope things turn up for you soon!
Quick question:
I know what the DSM-IV is but what is the ICD-10??
June 23, 2007 at 2:33 am
Thank you drytears. I really appreciate that.
The ICD stands for the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems. I know, long. It’s been developed/published by the World Health Organization and is used widely throughout other parts of the world other than North America (I believe?)
As far as psych disorders and diagnoses go, there are differences between the APA (American Psychiatric Association) and DSM (that you are already familiar with.) If you simply Google what the criteria are at the very least between the DSM and the ICD you might be a bit surprised! Perhaps subtle but enough to make you think a bit and for me, definitely enough to bring forth the ICD information to question a diagnosis.
June 23, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Thanks for the explaining! It’s suprising that even though the ICD is more of a world classification, I have never learned about in any classes I have had… though I guess thats just how the US is… only likeing there own stuff. lol :)
June 23, 2007 at 2:42 pm
You’re most welcome drytears, yes it’s quite interesting here in Canada how we are very DSM-centric.
March 13, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Um, yes. This is how I feel. It’s the pain. It’s all the different expressions.
March 13, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Hi again invisibleemma, I see you’re still doing some reading here? This one also goes back quite a bit in time. I am very flattered that you are looking into me (and my blog) if I am correct?
Thank you for your comment. It is true. The pain can manifest itself in a lot of ways and mental illnesses come in so many “flavours.” It’s really tough how we all have our own different fights and struggles.
Thank you as well for the blogroll. That really means a lot too.
Hugs,
PA
March 14, 2008 at 5:47 am
Well, so far you’re my favorite read in this area. I relate to a lot of what you write. I have to read from the beginning though so I can better understand what you’re writing about now.
March 14, 2008 at 10:17 am
Hi invisibleemma. Oh, no! More compliments! Thank you so much again. It means a lot–quite a bit–that you feel you can relate to what I say and what I write.
As far as my blog (blahg) goes, I do try and keep it very open and honest. I’m a real stigma buster (not just online but in real life too.) I don’t get up on soap boxes or anything. I don’t get up on podiums and make grand speeches–literally, although I could. I advocate in more quiet ways, certainly not like this blog (at times!) This post is a prime example. It was a really ranty one. A bit of a yeller and shouter, don’t you think?
I was still in pretty rough shape after coming out of hospital in the spring and not well enough to function better. In a better place? Well, at least in more of a better place like I am now? Oh, fuck it’s all so kind of relative, right? God, “where am I now?”
No, I just speak to people also openly and honestly about myself and it’s very surprising when I hear a lot of, “Me too’s” or things about peoples’ family members. A lot of people are affected in some way by mental illnesses.
I get the idea of reading in a consistent manner. That makes sense. It’s sort of like picking up a book and starting in the middle? Maybe? I haven’t had any tea yet so I’m a bit puddled still. But as per my silly, wee indicator in gmail, the boss is away today so why rush into doing any work!
I have some other good reads on my blogroll so check out them too. But you’re so cute for saying I’m you fave so far.