For All The Cutters Out There…
Possible Trigger Alert? Cutting Posts Are Always Tough…
It’s still summer here…well at least in the Northern Hemisphere. I think I have (or may have?) some readers in the Southern Hemisphere? Regardless, you there have better weather in your “winters” than we do in Canada!
So my question is, for those of you that have exposed scars, do you hide them with longer sleeves, pants etc… in warmer weather?
I used to struggle with this. I did one of my worst cuttings in the spring and it got stitched up in the ER/A&E (for my UK friends.) The woman who did it was wasn’t too bad. Not exactly aloof but not extremely uncaring either. I was very drunk and made small talk. I asked her how long she had been working there, how long her shift was and when she would be off duty. Can you believe?
Indeed. I didn’t give a rat’s ass that I’d cut myself. The only thing I knew was that I’d be sent up to the ward for (at least) another 72-hour hold. Yay. And by the way, this was hospitalization number five.
I wasted away for hours but at least they brought me breakfast? And they allowed me to go out for cigarettes. Unsupervised, no less. During that time, I called my boss who is the ultimate gem and she simply said, “Oh, PA…just do what you need to do and stay there. You have nothing to worry about and PLEASE take care of yourself!” Or something like that? This was a few years ago so my memory is a bit murky. But that was the gist of it for sure.
My favoured place of cutting is on my forearms. Why, I don’t know. I guess it’s just “easy access” as I am a very impulsive cutter. Pull up the sleeve, grab the knife and just slash! I know for other cutters they do it in other places. I will not speak for them and why but…? If you are a cutter and you have spoken to others, then you probably do know why.
But for those of you that have scars that are visible, do you hide them? When the weather changes and it necessitates a change of clothing, do you still wrap yourself up like it is winter to hide what you have done?
I wrestled with after that cutting. Again, it was an Emergency Room stitch and although it was a pretty good job, it still looked like a Frankenstein nightmare for a long time. As the warm weather approached, I didn’t know what to do. I bought a sports wristband that basketball players wear and used that to hide the messy job I had done. It still was a disaster and the healing process was slow.
Not too many people at work asked me why I was wearing it. I dress very casually at work. I guess (?) they thought I was just being strange and making some sort of bizarre sporty fashion statement?
But now, I don’t hide my scars at all. In fact, I’ll show them off to anyone I talk to about cutting. Again, I don’t give a rat’s ass. The ER stitch doesn’t look too bad after all these years but it is definitely noticeable. I mean, it’s a tiny snake with wee dots on both sides. It might never go away?
So I’m just wondering what any of you might think or feel about this? I understand that this is a tough and sensitive issue and I may not get any responses so that is fine. Even if you want to email me, as always, the door is wide open.
Love to all of you,
PA
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[...] You “Physically?” June 22, 2008 — patientanonymous Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking [...]
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August 30, 2007 at 6:37 am
I used to AGONIZE over this. My scars are pretty light and faded now, but you can still easily see them. I somehow just finally got over the agony and started wearing short sleeves, but before that I wore long sleeves in the HOTTEST of weather. I tried cutting on non-arm areas, but it didn’t have the desired effect for some reason. It’s difficult when the scars are still brightly colored. Mine are bad enough that I can tell people I put the arm through a plate glass window and they believe me; it would be harder if you just had one or two obvious ones!
August 30, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Hi borderlinecrazy, thanks for responding. I had really wanted to post this for a long time–all summer–but I got a bit distracted, consumed etc…
I am glad that you shared your own story and perspective on this issue. I know it is hard and I think there is great value in people sharing–again, if they feel that they can. Hence, my offer for people to email me if they wished to and if they did not feel like talking about their own experiences throughout cyberland via my blog.
Personally, I think it is very important to talk freely and openly about cutting as it reduces the stigma surrounding it. Very important, indeed.
August 30, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I don’t wanna sound like a wimp, but I gotta tell ya — it just breaks my heart to know that you’re hauling through life with scars in tow. I know that I don’t understand entirely, but please girly, don’t hurt yourself. Don’t mistake this as me passing any kind of judgment. I just don’t want you to hurt, period. Ever.
August 30, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Thanks damewiggy, it’s okay…you’re not a wimp! Listen, we all have scars–whether they are on the inside or the outside.
No, I don’t think that you’re judging at all. And I love you for telling me that you don’t want me to hurt. Period. Ever. Thank you. I can’t make any promises about that as life can really suck sometimes and dish you pain on a platter!
Cutting is a very difficult subject. I never thought I would do it but I did! And now, it’s far too easy. For some (I would never speak for all) and even many, it is a way of releasing and getting the pain “out” when it’s just so bad that you can’t express it any other way. And at other times, you feel so “dead” in your Depression that you need to see yourself bleed to feel you are actually a living human being–even if you don’t feel you deserve to be.
There are other forms of self harm as well–at least for me. I’ve punched walls (brick, I certainly would advise against…ouch) and other hard surfaces, done a bit of head banging against hard surfaces. I may or may not have had some tiny knuckle fractures but too embarrassing to go the hospital and explain how a tiny little girl ended up like she just got into a major bar brawl?
But don’t worry–you or anyone else! PA is NOT VIOLENT TO OTHER PEOPLE! I’ve never lashed out and struck someone else and never would. I just reserve it for myself.
It’s okay though damewiggy, I’ve had people tell me before “don’t do it.” I do not take any “offense” or feel it’s any kind of thing similar to a “snap out of it” with someone who is going through a Depressive episode. No, I know it is out of care and believe me…I don’t want to cut either.
August 30, 2007 at 10:03 pm
This is such an emotionally intense issue that I am not quite sure what to say, I have been on the rough lately myself but some books and prayers have come to quick rescue….I felt so light and happy today…which is a welcome change…yes you are vey right PA, everyone has scars…inside or outside…but there…very much there..instead of hiding them I am trying to heal them…how abt we all try that…once you heal completely there is nothing left to hide dear…
August 30, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Hi Symbiosis, it’s alright if you’re not sure what to say. I’m glad that you’re here regardless. I hope this post didn’t bring you down from your happy day. I am glad you are feeling a bit more up though.
Yes, healing is key–for everyone. Thank you or sharing your well wishes for that for all of us here.
August 31, 2007 at 1:18 pm
This is such a hard issue for me, and it comes up repeatedly. It came up when I decided to got married and realized dresses with sleeves were not realistic. It comes up when I’m begged to go swimming or invited to work out and don’t want to die of heat. Fortunately, my scars are limited to my upper arm and thigh for the most part, so a half sleeve covers them nicely, but its still hard. Most of the time I hide them, I’m in a graduate program for psychology, and just don’t feel safe expressing that side of myself. At the same time though… a large part of me wants to be open about it. I cherish the times I am with people who know, and I can wear my cute tanks and enjoy the beach!
(Allow me to introduce myself by the way, I just started a blog, so theres really not much there at all, but I have been reading yours for awhile now)
August 31, 2007 at 10:46 pm
PA,
I am really impressed with your blog. I don’t know if I told you that or not yet, but I’m confident your honesty and openness is a great help and encouragement to many.
As such, I award you the Whore Church Seal of Approval:
http://whorechurch.wordpress.com/2007/01/27/are-you-whorechurch-approved/
September 1, 2007 at 6:11 am
Hi formaevita, thank you for visiting, coming by and telling us your story. I think I may know how feel about people who “understand”–or are at least sympahetic? It feels good?
That’s a tough call about work. It really might depend opun the openness and attitude of your colleagues or if their just a bunch of asswipes making the rules that all the baby chicks have to follow.
However, I still think it a can give them incredible and useful insight into the mind of a cutter (or any other self harmer) because you know what it’s all about.
Hey WhoreChurch, thank you so much! I don’t know what to say! I’ll set it up as soon as I can…need to go too bed now…almost 0430 in little PA Land…
*sigh*
September 1, 2007 at 9:58 am
Hello PA,
What timing! I just started seeing a new therapist, he is a 4th year psychiatric resident. I have been to 3 appointments with him and while he seems nice, easy to talk to and all, I have gone to evey one of these appointments in long sleeves…in 90+ degree Va humid weather. And yes, he does know about the cutting, burning and “keying” (for lack of a better term!), yet I still hesitate to let him actually “see” my “handiwork”. At all other places and times, I wear short sleeves and people at work have actually asked me about the scars and scratches…most of the poeple who ask do not speak much english, I am not certian what, if any, the connection is, so I have decided to just tell them I am a “chica loca” and that seems to settle the issue….hum….but I don’t know what to do about this new doc…..should I just “take the plunge” and wear short sleeves to my next appt.? I mean, it’s obvious to him why I am wearing long sleeves and we have many more weeks of warm weather I am sure. I just have a problem knowing when to trust, I suppose. I have already “rambled on” so much to him, I feel like a total dork….
Thanks, PA and do take care of yourself. Hello Borderlinecrazy!
September 1, 2007 at 10:55 am
ps, PA L o v e d the song, “The Next Time You Go”……marriage problems here, it fits right in….”pour another mistake…”oh, yeah. Thanks, tract
September 1, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Hi tracy, First, you needn’t feel like a dork here–EVER! I find it interesting that certain people who do not speak English well would ask about them. Perhaps it is a cultural thing? Perhaps they do not understand as folks might in the West? Either that or they are more observant than those in the West?
As far as your new therapist, if you are not comfortable, then it is as plain as that. All professionals should be used to seeing cutting scars and if they aren’t, they have completely chosen the wrong career path! They should definitely understand them and should not be making a huge deal out of scarring at all.
At most, they should be monitoring you to ensure that you are not feeling the urge to do it again (if you are not cutting and feeling more stable) or if you are still cutting, they should work with ways to try and stabilize you in order to try and stop you from cutting.
For a professional to actually ASK to see your scars would be untenable to me. The only reason I could think would be for an MD (and not a Psychiatrist) to have a look at a very recent one if it was a deep wound to see how it was healing.
I’m glad you enjoyed the song. I really like it too. I don’t even know how it got into my iTunes collection as I never downloaded it. I am thinking that my ex-partner did and it just stayed there after I dumped everything from PC to Mac and well…when I was deleting her stuff, I found it and just kept it?
Take care,
PA
September 3, 2007 at 9:50 am
Dear PA,
TThank you for answering my comment so kindly and with such great advice. I guess I feel like I have to “speed things up” with this psychiatrist because i will probably only get to see him until next July, when he becomes a full fledged psychiatrist. At that time he plans to do a Fellowship concerning Aids patients and will not be doing therapy any longer…he thinks. He is still discussing his plans with his therapist (gotta love it!). I have a tendency to “spill my guts” too quickly with professional all the time anyway, and then regret it and feel really stupid and humiliated, perhaps that is why I am hanging on to the “long sleeves”…the last vestage of privacy…who knows, but then I think, “Why hide the ‘evidence’ any longer?”. Anyhow, thanks, dear PA, for letting me ramble. I love your blog and will comment more often….congrats on the bike ride…great to get out in the fresh air!
Thanks again, tracy
September 3, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Oh tracy, what a lovely comment to read…thank you so much. I understand the sort of “panic” that you might feel? I know I had such an awful time just trying to find a psychiatrist and now that I have–I feel like I’ll just fall apart if I lose him! Now that you are facing losing yours… Oh dear.
Do you think if he does move on the HIV/AIDS Fellowship that there will be referrals made for his existing patients? Perhaps you could inquire. It doesn’t seem quite right that patients would be just dumped, however, I suppose anything is possible.
I don’t think there is anything wrong in “spilling your guts,” as you say. I mean, the more you share, the better they are equipped to help you? I think this runs across the board for any health care professional. If you don’t ‘fess up to how you are feeling, what’s wrong and be honest–how do you expect to get the best treatment?
I have a tendency to do the opposite in therapy. I clam up. I’m getting a bit better with Merlin but I think that is because I like him better than the therapist that I have been seeing for the last few years. Still, Merlin and I are just starting out so we really haven’t gotten into anything probative. As far as medical issues, I have no problem being open there.
Actually, when it comes to all the geeky, medical, science stuff (especially all the head banter) I probably talk too much to the doctors! Yes, actually, that has already been established.
And you don’t ramble. Speak freely! Say whatever you want!
Thank you as well for the compliment about my blog. And of course, you are welcome to comment any time! I would love it.
November 19, 2007 at 12:50 am
I never did that much to cover my cuts/scars. I guess that’s why my parents realized what I was doing when I was about 12-13. Later, in high school, I started cutting my thighs, but then I had to do some physical therapy for my knee and had to wear shorts. My mom was there and saw my scars and confronted me about it later. I have cut on and off since I was 11 (I’m 20 now). I think when I was younger I was so desperate for help that I didn’t care much about hiding my cuts because if someone saw them, maybe they would make me get help, but now I pay more attention to keeping them hidden. I feel more ashamed or something. My parents think it is a problem of the past but they don’t know that it is an addiction and I am definitely addicted. Anyway, I think the whole covering up issue depends on whether your cutting is really a cry for help, and if it is, you don’t bother trying to cover up, because you want someone to notice.
November 19, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I was killing time and saw there was a recent comment here so figured I could chime in.
I wrote a post a few days back on this subject:
http://exactscience.wordpress.com/2007/11/11/
Basically I am good at showing my scars, very very few of my friends know and I think only three or four have seen them, plus mum, dad and sis and Barbara(self harm support worker – who is v squeamish) has seen a couple.
Despite this I dont like the looks people who know me give and I hate that people think they have a right to ask about them. I don’t ask people about how the got their shoes.
I also worry about the dangers of other self harmers seeing them. Triggering and such, certainly I have seen others scars and felt my scars small and insignificant and felt the urge to go deeper.
New York and Barcelona heat and humidity drove me into short sleeves.
But I am not my scars or my wounds and it isn’t a battle and I am not a victim, I chose/choose this and these marks are reminders of that choice, that is all.
November 19, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Hi BrittanyBlair, welcome. I don’t believe I have seen you here before.
Thank you very much for sharing your story. It can often be very hard for people to talk about cutting.
You offer an interesting perspective about leaving your scars visible in order to try and get help. I do agree with some people keeping them hidden out of shame. Absolutely.
Do you still think you want help–despite the fact that you are keeping your scars hidden? And you mentioned that you might feel ashamed now. Am I understanding that last part correctly? I don’t like to assume what others’ might be feeling. You did say that you were desperate for help before.
I suppose you could still find that help. It is out there if you want it.
I also try to tell people (as I mentioned in a post not long ago when I met a man who told me he cut) that there is nothing to be ashamed about. It is a tough issue but it’s not like we’ve done anything “wrong.” Cutters need to get over the “self-blame.” It doesn’t help the issue. If anything, it might perpetuate the cycle?
I know for me, I do not like it when I have cut in the past and I feel quite guilty about it afterward (and for everyone reading, let’s expand this to self harming in general, not just cutting…)
But I don’t “blame” myself, think I am a bad person or be too hard on myself–well, I might for a bit but I get past that. I just realize that I need to find a better way to deal with my pain. A way that doesn’t cause physical damage to my body and then subsequent, emotional damage (and more pain.)
It’s tough. I won’t deny it and I won’t say that I won’t ever cut/self harm etc… again. I think we, as self harmers might all say that? Perhaps not. There may be some who stop and never, ever do it again.
Regardless, I think the latter would be ideal. To not do it again and as I said–at least for me–to find a more healthy way to deal with my pain, triggers etc…
November 19, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Hey exactscience, you slipped in there while I was responding. Interesting that this older post is getting revived but sometimes that happens.
Thanks for your perspective as well. Also interesting about how other cutters/self harmers might perceive them as a potential trigger but to me, I don’t know…I don’t think you can wrap your body in a shroud because how someone else might react to it–well, certainly not a stranger.
I read your post briefly as I am a little under the weather today so I get where you are going with D. but were you taking too much of the again “blame” on yourself? If you both knew you self harmed, could there have been some sort of mutual acceptance and support amongst yourselves? Was there any fallout? Was she triggered by seeing your self harm?
I guess for me, I’ve always just been so damn open about it and people have been so accepting of it–well, lest one that I have spoken to.
I also find it interesting that people have given you looks of some sort of disapproval, I guess and have actually asked. I have never run into that situation. Either I am terribly unobservant (well, I definitely can be) when it comes to people looking–but even still, no negative looks, really. And honestly, no one has ever asked me!
Maybe as the stereotype goes, Canadians really are just that bloody polite!
November 19, 2007 at 4:59 pm
I want to live in Canada. Like a mashup of Scotland and the US but with more cold.
I think the disapproval is the lack of understanding – which makes sense sort of.
She tells me it didn’t trigger her but it made her unhappy. I always take blame on myself. Because if it is on others then I am not helping them well enough – yes stupid, and yes I am working on it.
I should state friends who know after an initial fucking hell, it is business as usual.
November 19, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Hi exactscience, yes, I think you’d like Canada. I do! I think we’re cool. Well, we have some small minded people but they’re everywhere. The world is not ideal…
I agree that the disapproval is a form of lack of understanding–I just didn’t want to sort of put those words in your mouth *wink* I think people get all uppity and freaked out (and even discriminatory or worse) because they fear what they don’t understand. It’s the same thing in the gay community and luckily, I haven’t been discriminated in that arena either.
Actually, I have been discriminated due to my mental craziness in one place but that’s a huge cock up…long story. I may or may not blog about it. Oh wait, I already did…I can’t keep track of my own blog. I got sacked for being a nutter.
I understand taking on blame and that. I often call myself “The Queen of Guilt.” Trust me…I understand.
“…business as usual.” Right, then. Yes, should be so but it can take time…
November 19, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Yeh, I’m still in that closet, saying that I only really need to come part way out.
You are very lucky not to be discriminated against, hope it keeps up.
November 20, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Hey exactscience, erm…I don’t want to embarrass you but…I think I’ll just email you! We’ve been talking about too many closets here and I’m getting confused!
May 3, 2008 at 1:21 am
all of this is not new or strange to me. All of the things I read refer to adolescent behavior, and teen problems.I hurting myself when I was 13. I am 28 now. Everything I have ever has said it was a passing phase. Mostly for those who had been abused when they were very young. However it was still a passing phase. But the fight to destroy and reconstruct is still very much alive. it was supossed t go away.
May 3, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Hi Mel, thanks for stopping by and welcome. I do not recall if you have been here before so if you have…welcome back? Also, thank you for sharing. I don’t like this “passing phase” business. Again, it is a very complicated issue. How can anyone say that the pain you feel and struggle so hard to deal with and at times can not express be a “passing phase?” Good grief!
And don’t you think it is interesting that the people who say these things are not cutters themselves? Yes. How can you enter the minds of others and know what it is going on?
Take care,
PA
May 16, 2008 at 2:45 am
I live in northern Illinois and the weather is so random here but, for the most part no matter how hot it is I have worn sweaters so people have just gotten use to the fact that I was like that. Just force of habit I suppose since I have been self-mutilating myself for most of my life. I love looking at my wounds but, my friends get disturbed by it so ill just hide it for them.
May 16, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Hi Anonymous, I just about missed you as somehow your comment didn’t get through to me.
Thank you for sharing your personal story, thoughts and feelings on the matter. That means a lot. It really is different for everyone, I suppose, right? We all have different levels of comfortability.
Sometimes I get asked by people, “What happened?” Actually, I just did recently with, well, one of my more recent cuttings. I just flat out said, “I cut myself. I don’t hide my scars.” Most people don’t ask me at all. I don’t know. Maybe they are being polite or they just don’t know what to say. Maybe they don’t care? Those that know me know they are cutting scars, of course.
I can’t remember if I mentioned it in another post (I scanned this one and didn’t see it) but I read some response somewhere from another cutter about a quip to say if someone asked and you really didn’t want to get into it. It went something along the lines of:
“What happened?”
“What happened? You should have seen WHAT HAPPENED to the last person who asked me that question!”
I thought that was kind of funny.
Again, this is a deeply personal issue for a lot of people and sometimes very difficult to deal with.
Take care,
PA
June 23, 2008 at 10:34 pm
It personally took me a long.. LONG time before I even uncovered my arms around home. and even longer before I was in public with short sleves.. even in summer I wear thin jackets or something of that kind. I got to a point where I didn’t care if people saw them. and yeah it ticked me off when all they would do was stare at them and not ask what they are from. But I was sort of proud I got to the point I didn’t self harm. Then unfortunately the beginning of ’08′ triggered me into the shameful addiction I had sworn I would never do again. at first I did it on my legs. (easy to cover all year round) but it got to a point where I just.. the faded scars were not enough on my arms so I began doing it on my arms, since then I had invested in many long plain shirts and jackets. I think here in New Zealand (southern Hemisphere) people judge you a lot. and so only a few people know about the fall back into the addiction. But I hope one day. eventually I’ll be able to wear short sleeves again and not have a worry about it all.. unfortunately in 6 months time it is summer yet again.. and I fear I will not be ready to bear my arms or legs.. But we will take that when it comes.
June 24, 2008 at 2:01 am
Hi Anna, welcome to my blog as I don’t believe I have seen you comment here before. I also want to thank you so much for your comment. I had to read it over and over again. It was so heartfelt.
I actually had to go back and read this post since you responded to it and I wrote it almost a year ago. I wanted to think if things had changed for me in any way since I had done another cutting since.
Actually, I have done…shit. Well. Confession in comment section. I don’t know if I blogged about it because there have been so many other things but everyone knows about “the last one” that required sutures.
A couple of “minor” slashes on my thighs (out of character and not my “pattern,” if you will.)
This is the biggie that I know I didn’t blog about. I went for a…let’s just say “a vein.” It was recent but I didn’t want to write about it. As I tried (and it was so gentle…this is key…when PA cuts, there are NO hesitation marks), I realised: “You don’t want to do this.” Granted, that’s a nice red mark, but you didn’t achieve your goal! And just what fucking goal is that?!
*PA puts down knife*
Anna, I don’t know about NZ. From what I’ve experienced in Canada (or maybe I’ve been lucky?) people here are very polite. If they notice a cutting scar (if they even know that is what it is…duh…), they won’t ask about it. Maybe it’s the “Canadian Politeness Stereotype” kicking in.
Which I am very proud of, by the way.
I have had maybe two people ask me? They were colleagues, not strangers so I knew they were asking out of care. What did I say? I can barely remember! Either, “I had an accident” or “I cut myself.”
Which in a way, is kind of…vague? I’ve been washing dishes before and this is nasty! If you bang glasses enough times against a hard surface, it reduces their surface tension. Dunk them into hot water…
*Pop!*
More like bloody BANG! I’ve had at least a couple of glasses explode this way while I’ve been washing them and there goes that chore! There goes my hand!
So…erm…well, maybe not “cutting yourself.” That may sound strange? But simply, “I had an accident?”
Sorry, long comment…PA rambly…let’s see if I can edit or maybe it’s okay as it stands.
Alright, I think the comment is “readable.” Heh. I like screwing around with words.
Oh, by the way…in thinking while proofing, my ex-colleagues (and ex-workplace) were just the best! I am out about everything! My mentalness, my sexuality…fuck it. But as far as the cutting goes…they all took it in and understood. I was blessed.
Maybe two way street? I spoke openly to break down the barriers and then they were all cool?
Shit…this conversation (and so many others) could go on forever, don’t you think?
PA shutting up now.
PA really ADD now.
June 24, 2008 at 6:13 am
Hey PA,
Yeah I’m new to your blog. I found it on the Global Dashboard under Health lol.. thank you.. it was from the heart. yeah.. im 16 and its really hard to get through.. im kinda on the waiting list for a rehab like place which i know is pretty much my only hope at learning new coping strategies and learning to let go of the past i so desperately want not belong with anymore..
sad to say but before i commented you i was well not in a good place emotionally and cut. my left forearm is pretty much full of scars old and new and legs are also.. although i don’t know why but i carve words.. and it makes me sad when i see them but at the time i just.. I’m not i don’t know the right word to carry on with but im sure you kinda understand right?
anyway. in NZ it is judgemental. full stop. end of story. i hate it really.. even friends just walk away think your some emo kid who is wanting pity and attention when really all i want (maybe others too) is just to be loved and cared for and wanted in this earth and just.. to know .. to know that you’ll make it through. and that they will stick by your side..
the stupid thing is.. i didnt tell anyone for like 3 months and then ppl are like what the hell you emo.. and just stuff off.. but the stupid thing is.. if i wanted attention why would i hide it SO WELL and fool everyone around me for 3 months (which is hard work believe me. fake smiles and laughs take a huge toll out on you)..
i think ive rambled on a bit too long aswell.. sorry lol
anyway its late and im realllly emotionally drained.. so ill leave ya to it.
Anna.
June 24, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Hi Anna, thanks for letting me know how you found me. I always find it interesting.
I’m sorry you are in so much pain–if I may say so. I can almost feel it from your words. I hope you can get into your placement soon. Do you have any other resources like a psychiatrist, therapist, even a GP that you could speak with in the meantime?
There are the basic coping strategies out there that people talk about: the stretching and slapping of elastic bands, squeezing of ice cubes, counting to a million in your head, trying to do anything to take you mind off of the trigger but that can be so hard when you feel like you’re going insane. Still, I will not say that it can’t be done (i.e. learning coping strategies.)
I do understand. Every cutter has different stories (I have said this before.) Every cutter cuts in different ways, for different reasons…even further this goes beyond to any form of self-harm. Carving words does not surprise me in the least. Even I have thought about doing the same before.
That is sad to hear that you are a place (in more ways than one) that is very judgmental.
I had a wee discussion in a comment section with another blogger who said he had never seen a sector of the psych arena that was so alienated. I responded to him saying roughy: think about it…the worst stigma because people view it as so violent and how on earth could or would someone basically “desecrate” their body in such a manner.
Despite watching horror movies where people become so desensitised to violence, they still can’t deal with it. But bring it into the “real world” where people are doing it to themselves? It’s bad enough when someone commits a violent act on another but on their own person? It’s just too much for the majority to grasp.
Quite a while back there was some other blogger that I was not familiar with at all (but I was directed to the post) who wrote re: younger folks sort of “putting on” the fact that they had some form of mental illness. It caused quite a stir! Your emo comment kind of made me think of that.
I’m older so I really don’t have any experience with that sort of thing. I know when I was growing up, nothing like that ever happened. I do understand your point of “why?” Indeed, why go through all the hell of it and then hiding it to get attention? It makes no sense.
I’ve said the same thing about being gay. Why would people want to pretend to be something they are not that draws in so much stigmatisation and attracts so much pain and disdain from the rest of the world. I mean, I have my own masochistic side that can probably beat most others but really, now.
Don’t worry about rambling on here. I do it all the time and it is always welcomed for everyone else to do so as well! Spill your guts whenever you want to!
Hang in and (just like the rest of us) try to keep believing that you WILL make it through. I’ve been through a lot of crap with people who don’t stick by you and yes, it hurts but in a way, it’s also good as you find out who your true friends are.
There’s lots of care and support around this place, I find. A lot of good people seem to hang around here and even though it’s “virtual” support, I still find it quite valid.
Hugs,
PA
June 25, 2008 at 4:58 am
hi PA,
Yeah well its hard especially in wording to successfully hide the pain I am suffering.
I’m better at it in real life because I did Private Drama lessons for 7 years.. but that takes a huge toll
out on me because when I get home I just fall to the ground or just lie on my bed and cry..
I hope so too but I’m afraid its looking like a long wait.
in which I am absolutely petrified that I wont make it through the wait.
I feel like I’m slipping away further and further each day..
I stay up late and wake up early so i don’t have as many nightmares (about dying/death, loved ones
dying.. bad things happening and i wake up- if it allows me to wake up in a panic)
But lack of sleep is causing my emotions to be very down.. and thats what i don’t like
I’m just sick of feeling like this I really am.. it was hard enough when I was 14..
and then its even worse this time round because I’m alone and i am scared.
Not any proffesional help.. I don’t like them.. I’ve been with them before (child & addolescent mental
helath services) and they just drug you up and off you go and they might call every month but yeah
it is pathetic.. I have my youth leaders support. They are awesome, but I’m afraid I’m their first
self harmer they have dealt with and don’t really know what to do except try and understand, pray
and love me.. (also a struggle im facing – accepting love from ppl.. becoz then it creates an attachment
and ive been let down more times than my heart beat per minute over an hour.. and so even though
i desperately want to be loved and feel it.. my brain/heart i dont know which stops me from getting it
which makes it sooo freaking hard im serious.. i hate it.. *cries*
I have heard those copy strategies MANY times before.. and have tried them..
and yeah I guess they work to a certain degree but for me cutting is the only way that gets me
through the day/couple of days without thinking about suicide as an ACTUAL option..
and it also helps 90% with my coping level.. although of course after I do it I face a breakdown
of emotions.. usually crying and or self hatred out bursts.. (in my head of course/under my breathe)
Yeah but I guess In NZ, you get used to it.. your judged your whole life pretty much anyway
well I have been.. even when i was involved with the “professionals” they pretty much told me
im attention seeking and since then i cannot be bothered with them (as you heard earlier)
I guess your peers don’t judge you very much when your older, but when your my age
its rare not to be judged for one thing or another, thats the way it is in NZ atleast… >..<
thank you for understanding, it means a lot you know.. especially you being older cause I’ve talked to
people my age who self harm and yeah they understand but they just.. i don’t know.. its different.
well I think I’ve rambled quite well this time round don’t ya think?
My guts have been spilled.
I try so hard believing that i WILL make it through and some days I really have hope
other days..
(today for instance) I just want to be gone, away from the pain and memories and hurt..
Yeah I have found my true friends..
But I havent found a mother yet.. (she gave up and kicked me out of home on my 16th birthday and since then
she has just… lied to me and hurt me and i hate it..)
Hugs back.
Anna.
June 25, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Oh, Anna! Hugs, hugs and more hugs! Thank you for sharing so much and your honesty! It takes a lot for someone to well…spill their guts, indeed! Where shall I begin?!
Hiding things in real life can be very difficult. I call it wearing your “Sane Face.” A lot of folks around here can relate but I can not speak for everyone in terms of how long it takes for them to develop it.
Wow. I am worried for you. I know I do not know you but it sounds like you are in trouble, my dear. Even though I am not a mother and have no desire to have children, my maternal side comes out with adults–and I don’t practise ageism. I know you said that you were a teenager but fuck that. You’re an “adult” to me.
The nightmares. I’m not sure what to say. Again, I don’t know you well enough so I don’t know the source or where they are coming from. However, I do know the feeling of staying up late and not wanting to go to sleep.
For me, it always happened (happens) when I am depressed. I feel I can’t face the next day so it’s a weird psychological thing. If I don’t go to bed; I won’t have to wake up to greet tomorrow. However, your nightmares sound very troubling.
Skipping ahead to your meds (and it sounds like you don’t like them…) maybe they could help with your sleep? Not getting proper sleep can really screw us up when we’re mentally ill or have some kind of head business going on.
But I’m making a leap there. I don’t know if you have any kind of dx.
Sometimes I think it is harder with mental health services treating younger folks. Actually, I will get into meds here. I should backtrack a bit. Not that I think sleep meds may be all that bad for you. Fuck, I was prescribed a benzo when I was…god…14, maybe? And yes, I was depressed as hell as a kid (not that my insane mother and asshole non-bio dad cared or paid attention.) Suicidal urges first at 13 and the thought of some bullshit attempt but so much guilt held me back.
Also a bit of self-harm when wee. Just a tiny bit that I remember? My memory is just about completely obliterated due to trauma but I remember not being able to express myself to a friend when seven years old so I started repeatedly banging myself over the head with a nearby metal pole that was part of a sweeper. My “friend” immediately ran from the house! I might have (probably?) done more head banging as a child. It’s actually common on the Autistic Spectrum (which has commonalities with AD(H)D–I have ADD) even though I am not on the Spectrum.
But back to the meds and age. ADs and others for mental dx’s (other than stims for AD(H)D and even then…) are a bloody hot potato argument with anyone under the age of…an “adult?” Other than those in long term adult studies that have been done for the particular drug?
Anyway…
I know what it feels like to be let down so much. It hurts doesn’t it? Funny. I was just emailing my sister last night and we were somehow talking about how people have to accept responsibility for their actions and blah, blah (it was related to her alcoholic ex-husband, basically), and I offered up how I had always been screwed over AND how I always had to take care of my/our idiot parents so I have never learned how to ask for help. So in order to “help” myself, I need to ask others for help now. It’s hard but I am working on it.
Where I’m kind of going with this is with your youth leaders support. You say that you are their first self-harmer so they may not really understand. Well, you know me (or not since you are new to my blog?) I’m a real advocate so maybe this might be a chance for you to educate them. You said that they were really great, right?
I understand the aftermath of cutting as well. Oh, holy hell do I feel like…wow…just absolute crap (and that is mild) afterward.
Ugh. If that is the level of “professionalism” there…saying that you are simply seeking attention? Boy, does that piss me off. Granted, I’ve dealt with some real asshole shrinks before but they have been more dismissive in nature. They’ve never told me that.
You know? You did make me think of something regarding your age. I went back to my days “way back then” *laughing* (ah, fuck that…PA’s such a kid at heart!) and I realised… No. There is a lot of judging going on. It’s called peer pressure, conformity…all of that! And my sister…she has kids. To hear what they’ve been through (and are going through!) Not to bring my age into it (I’m 38) but it’s much worse now!
Yes, we can have our “good” days and our “bad” days. That is for sure. But don’t give up. I can tell that you have a lot of goodness in you. It sounds funny even though we’ve just met but you really do sound like a sweet, sweet soul.
And your mother? OMG. Well, if it’s any help…I can’t “find” my/a mother either. Mine is lost in complete mentalness/delusion land and denial that she’s even mentally ill at all. We do talk but it’s just…a real…almost exercise in futility. She’s also very self-absorbed so…not much room for me in the picture.
Take care, doll
PA
June 26, 2008 at 4:04 am
Hi PA,
Hugs back. – Thanks for them even though they are words they comfort a little..
I’ve never really spilled my guts out like I did in that comment.. I just felt like I could trust you
and I just typed till all I could think of was out.
Please don’t worry too much about me.. I hate to worry people.. I feel like I’m not worthy of worry and or love etc… I have been in trouble for too long and I’m just completely hopeless right now.. I don’t know why.. Nothings completely tipped me over the edge today.. although last night I had a major breakdown and cut again..
I feel honored (in some way or another) that you consider me as an “adult” lol it brings me delight! I have grown up around adults and am quite able to communicate with them at their level and hold a steady conversation (apart from politics LOL) with them also – I think the Drama also helped in this category as well as being an only child (in my opinion anyway.. my only related sibling is my brother who is 25 and i never really lived with him at all.. he lives in Switzerland now with his wife.. >.< I miss him greatly. He is one of the only things that is stopping me when I’m sane to not kill myself to be honest with you.)
There is no specific source from the nightmares. I don’t have a t.v anymore. Nothing on the net. No movies.. I just really hate them. :(
I haven’t been on med’s for a year now. I haven’t seen my GP in 7 months – she also has NOOO idea I’m self harming again.
I don’t want to be on sleep med’s cause.. well.. I don’t trust myself If O’m in a dangerous mood I’m scared I’ll O.D and die. And to be perfectly honest I don’t want to die (most of the time anyway) I just want a reason to live.. A reason to wake up in the morning and suffer with this pain and addiction.. BUT mostly I just want to be better and be the girl god wants me to be.
OUT OF CONTEXT: I was thinking today when you were talking about coping strategies.. its not strategies i need to be taught.. its coping full stop. My parents have never taught me how to cope with things at all.. let alone what I’m going through.. Just thought I’d make that clear.. I had bottled up so much fucked up junk that my parents have mostly put in me – repeatedly saying “Your stupid, You wont have friends when your older, You don’t deserve it..” I began to believe it.. & also I was bullied.. SEVERELY throughout my whole school life. 5-13 – when I was 13 I had a mental breakdown and was home schooled.. But now I’m 16 I don’t do school anymore.. I would but with everything I’m going through I really can’t cope with it, But I will carry on further with my Education when I’m in a better place of mind and can cope with it.
What do you mean dx? I have/was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at age 10 in which they put me on some medication that was only supposed to be given to 18+ and the dose was so high I had most severe side effects from it, and in NZ the doctors can override the parents and my mum didn’t want me on them but if she went against the doctors I would be taken away.. (looking back now I think I would have rather been taken away but yeah..) And was also diagnosed with Depression officially when I was 14. But I had been having suicidal thoughts from the age of 11/12.
I’m not sure if I’m their first first, but with the way they are acting.. kinda leaving it upto me to figure out where the hell to go from here it’s like I’m the first. YesYes, they are great. There was a point where I had NOWHERE to live and my youth leader – Ana, Put a mattress on the floor of her SMALL room and allowed me to stay there till we found somewhere through the church where I can live. I was there for 3 months and by the end of it, we are best buddies but I think her boyfriend Jono was a tad unamused as they never really got time alone to cuddle lol.. But I made up for that by buying him a Transformers Tshirt LOL hehe.
I personally think there is both peer pressure and judging.. on way different levels. & yeah I’m thinking it is kinda bad now.. compared to when my parents went to school.. You get scrutinized for every little bit you do wrong or too good or not like that or just you. I hate it. I’m sooo glad I’m not in school.. I would rather by far be dead than in a NZ school right now. TRUTHFULLY thats how horrible it is. EVEN the christian based principal ones..
Awwwh thanks for the comment about the sweet soul lol. thats cute :)
Sounds like we both got crap mothers..
I’ll try take care.
Promise! :]
Anna
June 28, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Hi Anna, I’m glad the hugs helped even a little and thank you for saying that you feel you can trust me. That means so much. And try not to worry about me worrying about you! Oh, I guess it’s just “blog care.” I’ve seen it so much when readers see that others are in trouble.
You’re cute about the “adult” thing. Well, I suppose it’s maturity level. I guess I can relate as I was basically BORN an adult. Due to my parents I was always (well, my sister too) their support system. No time for PA to have a childhood herself! I was also heavily involved with drama (although I now have massive stage fright.) I would like to get over that. Also…having that “ingrained adulthood,” if you will, excellent communication skills with adults although useless in communicating with any peers–young children or teenagers.
I am glad you have your brother as a good support, even if he lives far away. Hang on to that and try to stay in touch with him as often and as regularly as you can. I’m sure it will help?
I can imagine the nightmares are very troublesome. Perhaps they are trauma based? I do not know. I very seldom remember my dreams.
That is good that you do not want to die. Hang on to that too. It also sounds like your faith in god is very strong. That is another thing to rely upon. I do not believe in god but I respect other peoples’ beliefs (my sister is a Jehovah’s Witness.) I always say they get such a bad deal. She and I have talked and their faith is quite reasonable in my eyes. And even though I do not believe, you ARE the girl that god wants you to be. In the Christian faith, god is not judgmental, don’t you agree?
I can understand not knowing how to cope in general because of, yes, all of the shit that our parents have put us through. I am still learning how to do it myself! However, it can be done. Some days, you do feel utterly hopeless but on others, you do feel better. It is just a matter of not giving up. I was bullied like hell too when younger! Ugh.
Yes, by dx, I was referring to diagnoses. And you hit the nail on the head as well re: medications and younger people. It is very tricky. Perhaps you can still try again. Some people choose to go the route of no medication at all. If so and they can still manage, I have no qualms. It is an individual choice. True, the side effects can be absolutely awful with some but it may be just finding the right med, dosage, enduring the side effects until they subside and they really will help. I know I probably would not be here today if it weren’t for my meds!
I’m glad you are are still going to continue with your educational pursuits despite not being in school currently. I can tell you are a smart cookie. And your comment made me laugh about both of us getting crap mothers. Indeed.
Take care,
PA
July 3, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hi PA..
Sorry its taken a while to reply.. Things haven’t really been too good..
I’m not quite sure what I say.. In reply to the comment above.
Usually it just comes out.. But I guess today and the past 5 days haven’t been..
*tears*
Maybe if you want to email me or something..
save your blog comments for more worthy replies.
my email is
anna.salisbury
[at] yahoo
[dot] com
*shrugs*
hope you have a good day
Hug,
Anna
July 3, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Hi Anna, it’s alright about not replying! You don’t have to worry about getting back to me in 24 hours or anything!
I’m sorry things are not going well and you are having a rough time. *HUG*
And there is no judgment or anything like that for “worthy” comments or replies here. Anything anyone places in my comment section is completely valid and important.
I’ll shoot you a quick email now…just to pop in and let you know that I got your comment. I’ve been going a bit out of my mind and been caught up in some things so I apologise for not getting to your comment sooner.
PA
x
August 11, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Hi. :] My name is Sarah, and I randomly came across this. I used to cut.
I’m sorry if this comes across as rude, but do you still?
August 11, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Hi Sarah, welcome to my blog. Nice to meet you and good to have you aboard. Even if it is/was a random find! Please feel happy to stay if you like it here–we have lots of good folks that hang around.
No! Your question is not rude all all! Everything is very open here and I welcome any and all questions from everyone. I also like to ask questions of people to try and get some dialogue going?
The answer to your question is yes…and no. It’s kind of a sticky widget but I’ll try to explain.
I never thought I would cut but I did about 10 years ago. Over all of those years, I have found it easier and easier to cut. So based upon that fact, I have the potential to cut.
I don’t know how much you have read but I am more of an impulsive cutter. I don’t regularly cut for a release as some other cutters do. However, I have realised that over the years it has become more and more easy to cut with each successive cutting I have done.
When was the last time? Hmmm… I may have to look at my Category but it was probably in the spring of this year?
I don’t like to, that is for sure! No. I don’t want to do it ever again, given the choice! I do not beat myself up for the prior cuttings that I have done, though. I do not feel there is a point in doing that. It just adds insult to injury, if you will pardon the pun. The only thing that I can try to do is fend off the urge to do it as best I can–and I have done that!
So does that help?
Please feel free to ask any more questions or if you would like to discuss more personal things where you don’t feel comfortable doing so on my blog, email me.
Take care,
PA
October 17, 2008 at 12:41 am
Wow, I just came across this site as well, I believe talking is very important it helps a lot…I was a cutter in HS..then stopped for many years….then I got in to an awful relationship that messed my head up pretty bad and I went from being a “light cutter” in HS…to the very opposite and I became very extreme…I would cut myself so deep some times I thought the bleeding would never stop, but then again I didn’t want it to stop, I guess because the blood made me feel like I was alive? Reading the comment above about cutting on the arms, I totally agree, I started on the leg but for some reason my arm just makes me feel in so much more control and has more of an effect on me. The only thing I don’t understand…is my cutting was getting better…and I use to just break open a razor and use it just made lines across my arms…but today I was so upset and didn’t think and I actually carved words “hate” and “empty” in to my arm which being in TX it’s very hot and these words will not be easy to cover up or explain. Some times I wish I could get in under control, but then again I love the exhilaration, the liveliness, the control…the release…that is something no on can take from me…
October 17, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Hi Brokensmile, welcome to my blog. Thank you for stopping by but most of all, thank you so very much for sharing your story.
Yes, I believe that you can go into an almost “remission” phase but I believe even more that we can break these cycles. We can recover. At least that is my perspective for I do not wish to cut.
Yes, for a lot of cutters, they do it so they “feel alive” as you say when they are in so much pain? There are so many reasons and as I’ve always said, every cutter has a story and their own reasons why they do it.
The words that you have carved is not unheard of either. True, they will be more difficult to hide or “explain” or whatever if anyone cares to ask.
Again, as said above: Every cutter has their own story, reasons etc… You say you want to get it under control (or dare I say stop?) but then you say you love other feelings about it.
I am never one to judge. Never. I do not know if you have ever discussed this with any professional. If you are in therapy, have a psychiatrist (i.e. any diagnoses, are on meds etc…)
Now, this is entirely up to you but maybe you should think about it. No, seriously. Decide how you want to handle it. Do you want to stop? If so, head in that direction. Work hard on it. Maybe there is something else that you can find in your life that can give you a sense of control in place of cutting?
December 11, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Hey;;
Yes, I am a cutter,, I shall not be ashamed. Thanks to you all I know that I am not the only one. My parents have no idea! I have previously O.D. on pills, why they still have no idea about. I want to let them know, but I’m scared of what they will think. And No,,I don’t worry about wearing long sleeves all the time. That is over-ratedd. Only 1 of my friends know about me cutting/O.D. I just wish that I really had someone I could talk to about it who actually has advice for me. If you think you could help me add me on msn;; kayleemarie4576 (at) hotmail (dot) com
Thank you all;;
♥
December 12, 2008 at 2:12 am
Hi Kaylee., welcome to my blog and thank you so much for sharing your story and personal details about your cutting and self-harm (and OD) history. It can often be very hard for people to do so. It takes a lot of strength and bravery, perhaps?
I was quite struck when you started off by saying that you “…shall not be ashamed.” I agree with you. It is such a difficult thing and a misunderstood one as well. Again, I commend you for your strength.
I see in your post that you wish very much to speak to your parents about all of this. I think that is good. I think it further shows that you are a strong person (as I mentioned) and you have determination and character? And you are not in denial about what is going on in your life. That is very important!
As far as the OD? Well, I think it’s all part and parcel? You have just come to my blog so I don’t know anything of your history, any diagnoses, meds?
But you do wish to talk to someone?
Sometimes this is difficult via comments on blogs. In terms of getting into the all of the details, you know? I’m not saying it can’t be done. However, if you would like to email me to talk about things, then please do. I would be more than happy to talk to you.
You have placed your email address here but I prefer people to contact me as then that way, it is of their own volition, their choice and they can share what they wish.
Also, I’m going to alter you comment a bit. I never alter my commenters’ comments but since you have put your email there as a link, I don’t want you to get spambots and other icky stuff coming through me.
So again, feel free to contact me if you wish.
Take care,
PA
July 15, 2009 at 1:52 am
Hey,
When I read what you wrote its like you were reading my mind. Sometimes its so hard for me to put into words what i feel and explain why, that it hurts. Im not looking for attention or an outlet and i feel like out of anyone you sumed up best how i feel. I’m a guy and struggle with lots o things. In short i agree with a lot of what you said and am just looking for someone to talk to. Be well…..
July 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Hi Patrick. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. Wow, thank you. That’s quite a compliment and means a lot that you felt what I wrote resonated so much with you.
I’m just reading your comment and re-reading it and I must say, it is pretty overwhelming for me. Thank you (again) for coming here and adding to this thread and sharing as well. It is so important that we all talk about this. Plus, you mentioned that you were just looking for someone to talk to.
I know. It is so hard. Whether it be cutting or another form of self-harm…closeted, shame… I do feel that cutting is just about the worst, though, as it is pretty extreme. It’s also (or can be!) tough for a lot of men. It’s like added or more shame on top of it all for the male population (or again some.) I won’t make too many generalizations but stats show.
Thank you again for everything you said and feel free to come back here anytime. Hell, email me if you want to! My email address is on my damn blog! I didn’t put it there for a “decoration!” *laughing*
You take care,
PA
October 10, 2009 at 9:39 pm
no!!! i never cover up my scars.they r who i am,take it or leave it.they help me remember,they r souvneirs ones they never fade.they tell a story:they ones who ak i tell,the ones that dont will never really know:and they one that stare:eff u,u dont know the half of it.
October 11, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Hi 1cut2many. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I don’t believe we have met before, so thank you for stopping by.
Also, I would very much like to thank you for your addition to this Post and its discussion. You have made a very strong statement. It shows to me, that you have a lot of courage and conviction as far as your own personal self-harm history.
That is not to say to anyone else reading, that you do not have either courage or conviction regarding your own personal histories. No. This is a statement purely based upon this commenter’s words alone, to them.
I feel similarly to the way you do 1cut2many. As per my Post, and through the comment thread, I think I have made it clear that I do not hide my scars, and I am not ashamed of my cuttings in any way.
Thank you again for adding your valued words to this Post.
Take care,
PA
January 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm
hey, i dont kknow what this is really, i was just looking and reading.. i just really want to hear someones opinoin.. or someone to help me…
my mom wants to help me with my cutting, and dont get me wrong i trust her.. but i just want things to be like im her little girl again..i dont want her to think of me as her child who hasnt gotten over my past.. i want things to be normal.
i talk to this girl and she helps me, but she can only help me to an exstent because she is one of my youth group leaders and also just finished school to be a theripist. so she doesnt want to say the wrong things.. but i feel completly comfortble telling her anything and i still think of her as a friend and she about 14 years older then me..
is this normal to be more comfortble with this with sombody else or would it be considerd me doing it for attention.. i have read so many things that state that im doing it for attention.. i just really want to clear things up, and maybe find ways to feel more comfortble talking to my mom about it…
any ideas? and im sorry if i sound completly rediculous and my spelling is horrible.
thanks: rachelle
January 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Hi rachelle. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. That’s what this is if you are referring to not knowing what “this is.” I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you but I have Asperger’s and that tends to make me think literally, at times. Because of that, I’m not sure if you know what a blog is. If you do, again, I apologize.
Alright, let’s see what we can do here. However, as I always state, I am not a professional. I am not a M.D. (and in this case, not a Therapist?) Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about this! I will only give you my thoughts and opinions though, alright? I hope that is okay. Also, you’ve written a great Comment here.
I think it’s wonderful that you trust your mother as so many of us who self-harm can barely trust anyone! I can also understand that you don’t want to feel like a “little girl” anymore, either. That would probably be a tough one because your mother loves you? She does care for your well being I am guessing, especially because she obviously wants to help, and you do trust her.
I think it’s also great that you have found someone else that you trust and feel safe to talk to and confide in–that being your Youth Group Leader. It also seems to me that it would make a lot of sense that she would understand, just finishing school to become a Therapist.
Now, the only “problem” I can see here, is that these people are “too close” to you. In order to seek help in addressing your self-harm issues (and this would apply to any of us, not just you!) is that we need a professional to help.
However, that is not to say you need to cut off your relationships regarding all of this completely with your mother and your friend. Not at all! They can still offer you support but not all the support that you need. In fact, they could be offering you a different type of support. Perhaps it may be like a “supplemental” type of support.
Maybe within your work with a Therapist, your mother might included. Or, if you choose to keep things with your Therapist private, fine. With your friend, you may choose to simply vent or just talk about whatever, disclose what you feel comfortable. Nonetheless, I personally feel that neither your mother, nor your friend can give you the proper support that you need.
Finally, and this is very important: we do not cut to seek attention! That is complete garbage! Do not ever let anyone try and tell you that!
Oh, and a “second finally.” I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no “normal.” At least I never say there is. How do you measure such a word, right? Although, if you are looking to say “normal” in terms of stopping cutting, that can be achieved. It really can. It just may be a really tough thing to do, and some of us have to work very hard at it.
It’s not impossible, though. It just may take a lot of hard work.
I hope this has been helpful in some way. Please come back if you have any other questions or if you want to talk some more. I’m always happy to answer any questions and, yes, always here for folks.
Take care,
PA
And no…you do not sound ridiculous at all. Rest assured about that one.
January 3, 2010 at 3:20 pm
PA*
i do not talk to a therpist.. i don’t think i will be ever able to do that.. regarding my mom as in she has asked me to go to her when i have cut, so she can take proper care.. but i am to ashamed and afraid…
and the difernce witht he trust between me and my mother..( not saying others havnt) my mom has also thought nd almost attempted suicide, so i feel we have some conection..
but no i want it to be like im her little girl.. were she doesnt have to fear im hurting myself or worry that i havnt atten.. im going onto my 4th year of cutting now, with many years of the ed and the thoughts.. but my main concern is that i will never beable to trust others.. i have my mom and my friend, and i pushed my friend away the otherday because im afraid to get hurt…
January 3, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Hi rachelle. Yes, talking to a Therapist can seem rather daunting, as you need to feel safe and trust them very much. You have to develop a very special relationship with them, as that relationship can become very intimate.
Perhaps, within time, you may feel more confident in attempting that. Although, I see from the rest of your Comment, you are having some other issues with trust.
Again, I do think it is great that you and your mother have a strong bond, even though you may feel ashamed and afraid at times. Perhaps, as well, you may be able to get over those feelings, too.
It is very hard for a lot of us to deal with those feelings, so do not feel alone. This is tough journey for many of us, but we can take it on. Do not lose hope.
Even beyond people who self-harm, for those of us who have to deal with other problems, trusting others can be so hard. Many times we have been let down, so we feel discouraged. Or, we sometimes feel isolated and that there is no one else out there who will understand. I know this very well.
However, as above, do not lose hope. I should try and take my own advice! Practise what I preach? We all need to do the best we can, though, right? As I said, as well, this is a journey. One we all must take in order to try and be as well as we can; a journey to try and achieve stability.
As far as your friend? It can be very scary when you have disagreements. I understand this, too. It scares me like you wouldn’t believe!
I like to think that people can resolve their difficulties with good communication if they really care for each other. I really do. It may take some time, but maybe you can rest a bit, gather your thoughts, and then just say how you feel. Scary, I know, but be honest. Honesty is the best policy!
That may sound kind of silly, but it really is true, don’t you think? Being dishonest doesn’t get us anywhere! If this person cares and is understanding, I’m sure you can work things out.
Hang in there, okay? You can do this.
January 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm
PA:
i noticed you never really talk about yourself.. how long have you cut for? if you dont mind sharing…
and would you mind sharing some techqnics instead of making that cut.. like thigs to take your mind of..
or would you like to just talk about yourself?
:) i love to listen :)
but if im to nosy, just tell me enough and i will move on:)
i hope you share
RACHELLE
January 3, 2010 at 9:13 pm
oh and thank you for listening to me and for the advice… and for BELIEVING in me! :)
RACHELLE
January 3, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Hi rachelle. Oh, you are so welcome! It is so important that we all support each other.
No, I do not mind sharing with you at all! I have been very honest and frank about my cutting experiences on my blog. The information is just not here within this Post, so much? More of it is probably scattered all over in other Posts, within the Category “Cutting” on my sidebar.
I have always been an “impulsive” cutter. Rarely have I actually put thought into doing a cutting. So, for me, any types of “coping mechanisms” or “strategies” have been difficult. However, that is just me. They can work for others?
Also, you asked me when I first started cutting, or rather, for how long? I will be 40 years old this coming March. I did my first cutting in 1999.
As far as those coping strategies or mechanisms? There can be many, I think! The whole idea behind them, is to take your focus away from the self-harm and re-direct it for the time being. Then, hopefully given that time, its length and focus, you will not engage in the cutting or self-harm.
There are some that have been around and suggested for a long time. These are types that involve other things of a sensory nature. They can almost act as a “replacement” you might say? Holding an ice cube in the palm or your hand or snapping an elastic band against your skin? If the urge to hurt yourself is so strong, these are ways that are almost “safer” as they will not cause serious damage.
A couple of things people have suggested to me recently I have found very interesting. They involve using creativity as a coping mechanism.
You could write about it, you could draw something, but I had never heard of this before. One person said they would draw a picture of a person performing the self-harm, instead of doing it themselves.
Another person said they would actually draw on themselves with their makeup! Use lipstick or eyeliner? I found that fascinating! Then, a suggestion of taking a picture as a permanent reminder. That entire concept just blew my mind!
So, yes! There could be many things that you could try and do!
Considering that my cuttings have been mostly impulsive, I have found over the years that I must rely upon sheer will. I use a lot of “self talk.”
I work very hard to tell myself that no matter whatever situation is causing me the desire to cut–cutting won’t help! The situation will still remain the same. If I cut, I will still wake up tomorrow and still have to face whatever was causing me such pain in the first place. And what’s worse? I will be in even more pain because I will have done that cutting!
It’s hard. I will not lie to you. I have done it though. In fact, just recently. When was it? I think just a couple of weeks ago? But I didn’t cut. I made it through that night. I woke up, faced the next day, and was so glad I managed to fend off that urge that was so strong.
Yes, this journey…I’m still on it too. Make no mistake about that!
One day, I hope to be off it permanently and never cut again, but I know I can’t look that far ahead. At least yet. I do want to get there, though. Absolutely! So, in the here and now, that’s a pretty good place to be, I think.
January 4, 2010 at 12:36 am
PA:
i REALLY loved hearing what you had to say, i do not understand how but knowing sombody older then me and is still going through it and understands kinda…. well wait, at first when i read you were 40( not saying it’s an old age) just the fact i though you maybe would have started when i did, really freaked me out.. i dont want to be doing it when im 40, not even when im 20, but i guess however long it takes i will make it..
ok now back to were i was… im glad sombody your age knows what its like.. im not sitting here listening to adults who have never been through it or who have never acually tried to understand.. hearing what you say acually gives me hope, in a wierd way..
now twards the other options.. i cant use the rubber band method.. im stuck on the fact i snap it out of bordom,fusteration or thought of food… bad.. but it works.. i never heard of the ice?? maybe ill try it.. but i try writing stuff.. i can neverr keep up with a jurnall.. it all turns negitive.. and im afraid for people to read it. i do draw, just not so much and when i look back.. there all sad people. which this method did not help me.. it just kept me thinking about it…
i heard somthing about burning things… lil short funny story.. don’t tell a pyro to burn things.. it only leads to a million little burned papers and melted plastic cups all over the place and my mom yelling my name.. ;P woopss….
if im talking to much on here pleaseeee thell me to end the convo and i will.. ok?
RACHELLE
January 4, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Hi rachelle. I’m really glad that you enjoyed what I had to say. That makes me happy as sometimes I have no clue what people think of this crazy, ol’ blog of mine! I often feel all I do is a lot of whinging, although I try to mix in other things.
I do understand what you are saying about my age. I don’t think it’s old, either. *laughing* Age is merely a state of mind. Sometimes I feel such a range of ages, it’s unbelievably funny. Plus, self-harm, mental illnesses, disorders–none of them discriminate. They can affect anyone and everyone.
Alright, so you’re already making use of the rubber band method, but in a way, for other things. I think it’s still good that it is helping in those areas. Yes.
Sure, give the ice a try. It definitely is worth a shot.
I, too, have problems with journalling. That lends to my ADD, as I have issues with focussing and keeping up with things. At least I like to use that as an “excuse?” *rolls eyes* Really, though, I think it is true.
I can understand your reticence about people finding what you write, as when people journal or write personal things, you become very protective of your own words and thoughts. I have written personal things before and thrown them out later!
If your drawings are sad like your writing (as you mentioned), that may be a bit triggery, but I don’t know. I’m not “in your head,” so I can’t say. I suppose that is only for you to decide.
I certainly agree with you about keeping Pyromaniacs away from anything flammable! Not a good idea!
Also, in our exchanges here, I am so happy to hear your conviction in that you are not going to give up, keep fighting, and that you are now feeling more hopeful. Way to go! Good for you!
You’re not talking to much, either! We certainly don’t have to stop talking, or end our convo. Not at all!
This is/was a Post that seemed to resonate with a lot of people, and it is now up to 55 Replies (well, including the Pingback), so I think it’s an important read? It is a bit older, but by bringing it back into the foray, more people might show up and want to talk about things, too?
January 4, 2010 at 4:07 pm
wait?! what is this about???
This is/was a Post that seemed to resonate with a lot of people, and it is now up to 55 Replies (well, including the Pingback), so I think it’s an important read? It is a bit older, but by bringing it back into the foray, more people might show up and want to talk about things, too?
was this what i said? or just the blog in all??
January 4, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Hi rachelle. Not to worry (if you are worried?) I was referring to the date of this Post (August 2007), and the fact that it has received a lot of Comments.
If you look at the top, you can see how many “Replies” are there. It also includes my own, but that is part of the discussion, I suppose.
The “Pingback” is at the very end. It is a link that shows up on my blog that is specific to WordPress. WordPress is the hosting application for my blog. If either I, or another WordPress user links to a Post on my blog, I receive a Pingback. It looks like that as a Comment. I can choose to delete it or not.
I left this one, so people could go read the other Post it displays. I felt it was an important one regarding cutting and self-harm, as well.
As far as bringing this Post back into the foray, what I meant by that, was our discussions appearing on the main page of my blog. If you look there, you will see my avatar (my little picture), and you (without a picture.) Along with those are links to our Comments here!
So, if people come to my blog and see that, they may want click on the links and read this Post. Does that make sense?
I know, it’s a lot of talk about my blog. That’s really what it all comes down to, though.
January 5, 2010 at 7:18 am
yeah i understand now :)
thanks for everything..
January 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Hi rachelle. Oh, you are most welcome. Come back anytime to talk about this or anything else on your mind.
Take care, hon.
November 30, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Thank you everyone for posting this. My best friend is trying to stop cutting and even though I still can’t know how she’s feeling I think this page has helped me understand better so maybe I can help her better. God bless everyone and keep trying to stop even it it’s hard because no one deserves to hurt like that, not even you. I don’t know if what I’m saying is good or not or if it could be taken offensively, but I assure you it is said with the best of intentions and I don’t mean to offend anyone.
November 30, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Okay I just realized that I phrased that horribly. When I said “not even you” … I said it because I know that sometimes cutters feel like they deserve the pain (not trying to generalize; I know that not all of them do, just saying that some do) … but i can see how that could be interpreted as derogatory because of the poor phrasing but like i said i didnt mean it; i mean everything in the best way possible times like a million.
December 2, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Hi Anonymus. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. Thank you for your wonderful comments. They really are.
First, let’s address what you think you phrased “horribly.” I certainly didn’t think you wrote anything horrible at all! I understood exactly what you were trying to say. Or at least this was my interpretation:
I felt that you were being very sympathetic. It felt to me that you didn’t want people who cut to be in pain. You were only trying to reinforce it in a sensitive manner using the words, “not even you.” I understood the meaning behind it. I knew you weren’t trying to single us out in a negative way or anything like that.
You are correct in that some cutters may feel they deserve the pain, but other people who self-harm in other ways do as well. In fact, people who don’t self-harm feel they deserve a lot of pain they carry around, too. So, you could use the words, “not even you” to just about anyone who is in pain–even if they don’t feel they deserve it!
When you think about it all around, no one should be in a lot of pain! However, we don’t live in a perfect, pain-free world, do we? Nope. Bummer, huh? *winks*
Anyway, I’m so pleased and honoured that this post and comment thread has helped you in some way. You don’t know how much it means to me when I read comments like yours.
This post is pretty significant, as well. I’m really so pleased and honoured that everyone that’s come out to take part in this one. I look forward to more?
Take care,
PA
December 6, 2011 at 9:59 am
Hi. I don’t know if this is still an active blog or anything; I’ve never done anything like this before. Here goes nothing. I’ve been a cutter since 8th grade (I was about 12) and am trying to stop for about the 5th time. I am one month away from turning 16. The cuts started so shallow that they didn’t even break the skin (on my wrists and forearms mostly) and continued to get deeper and deeper. I only have about 6 really visible scars on my arms, 4 that are fairly obvious to their purpose. This past fall was very bad for me. It toom almost nothing to trigger my need for my razor blade and as much as I tried to push that need down, eventually it came out. In the form of 40 or so cuts on my hips. My parents do not know, nor will they ever if i can help it. My best friend is trying to support me but sometimes i feel as though i bother him so i don’t tell him about my moods. The cuts on my hips have faded to scars, albeit visible ones. No more wearing bikinis for me i guess. I have also stuggled with not eating for the past year or so. It is difficult to feel beautiful when the carreer you want to have is involved with physical beauty, but you see yourself as not pretty enough. I don’t know. It terrifies me that people, especially my best friend, will see my hips and think less of me for them, even though they helped me make it through my bad days. No one understands the release i get from it, and i won’t explain it to my best friend when i know he doesn’t want to hear it because it scares him. I’ve never told my story like this before, and i hope it’s ok. Delete it if it’s not.
Thanks,
Rachel
P.S. I’ve never felt suicidal before. Some people think that automatically when they find out someone has cut, but i have never wanted to end my life.
December 15, 2011 at 8:38 pm
HI Rachel. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, but as in my email, yes this is still an active blog. I’ve just been suffering a lot of health problems that have held me back from maintaining it.
I also told you in the email but will say it again for the benefit of any other readers: YES! It is definitely “ok” to tell your story, and I am so glad you did it here. It makes me feel very honoured that you came to me and/or my blog to share this. I know how hard it can be to talk about cutting. I have met people who are feel so awful and are ashamed of it. But I feel we need not to feel that way at all.
It’s been a while, so I really hope you come back and read this. I do want to talk to you about it. We also have some ED issues to talk about as well.
First, I understand the release that you can get from it, so you are not alone. We cutters understand. I hope that can give you some comfort. However, I also understand the other issues regarding the “non-cutters” you mention in your comment.
I think it is excellent you are trying to stop. I am as well. Actually, I don’t want to reveal it here as I want to make a post, but let’s just say I have made a “statement” on my body that serves as a “deterrent?” Not that I’m saying one need follow my lead. Stay tuned for the post?
I understand your need for not wanting your parents to know. Do you have any other diagnoses? Anything else going on? If so, are they supportive there?
You mention your friend. Ditto with the same questions re: diagnoses etc. You say this friend supports you but you don’t want to bother him, so you hold back with you mood issues. That is tough as…well, it’s some guilt coming out? What do you think? Do you feel guilty? Ashamed? I don’t mean to make you feel bad in asking these questions. I would just like you to think for a bit. So maybe I can suggest some possible solutions?
Well. I’m going to make a blatant statement about cutting despite what you think you feel. As above, so many of us feel guilt and shame. It’s pretty much part of the package. But you say you want to stop. That means you pretty much have to go through a part of unwrapping the package. You do need to talk to someone.
What about your doctor? Or any of your doctors? Do you have good relationships with them? That might help as it takes away the “personal” situation with your parents and your friend. Those situations are pretty emotionally loaded. If not your doctors, anyone else you feel you can trust? In talking to someone like that, it may help ease the fear.
You might be surprised how understanding your friend and your parents might be. I don’t know them but you never know.
The ED stuff? Well, I know that. Kinda anorectic here. Even though I was never going to pursue any kind of profession that required “beauty” I’d never be beautiful enough anyway! Sorry, my bad on that awful ED “joke.”
Your last part is absolutely correct. Cutters are not people trying to commit suicide. Totally bogus.
So, I hope I’ve been able to give you some help, here. Brain not working so well. But if you come back and read this, I promise we can keep talking about it if you want to. Definitely.
Take care,
PA
December 19, 2011 at 6:30 pm
There isn’t anyone i trust that’s an adult. To my parents, I’m the model child. I’m healthy, I’m in dual enrollment, i’m in the church choir, and i sit as principal player of my section in our school band. They get angry if they think i’m not doing my best and complain if i don’t eat or try to sleep for longer than usual. I know they love me, which is why i don’t want them to know. It would kill them. I feel guilty about always turning to my one friend because i know (his words) that he doesn’t always have the patience to deal with it. My other best friend knows, but he honestly has more problems than me. So i just don’t say anything. It’s been a bit over a month now and it’s still just as hard. With the eating thing… I make myself eat because i know i need to. I never want to, in fact, i hate it. But i figure forcing myself to eat is better than forcing myself not to.
Thank you again,
Rachel
December 27, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Hi Rachel. Sorry again for my length in getting back to you. This time of year is hard for me and I’m also still sick. I had read your comment though.
I am so, so sorry as well that this is hurting you this much. I can almost feel it in your comment. I’m just a blogger, I’m really nobody special with great power. I’m just a human being. Just like you.
I don’t want to sound like I’m lecturing you, either! Who likes to feel that someone is lecturing them? I also want to say that I know I can’t “tell” you what to do. I respect that your life is your life. It really is none of my business, except that now it is since we are talking. And I do care.
Since you feel so isolated and that you fear you really can’t talk to anyone, I often use my metaphor of a spring. You (well, so many of us!) hold things inside for so long.
Over time, we keep pushing so adamantly, refusing to talk. Well, eventually that spring gives way! Everything just comes exploding out of us! It is extremely often, NOT pretty. It is then, we realize maybe it would have been better to let it out in the first place?
So apart from those you have listed, what about someone else? Where I am going is with adults. This is also where I hope you don’t think I’m lecturing you! I’m an adult, so I hope you can still trust me after what I have to say! I guess I would like to tickle your brain a bit regarding what you have said–and that doesn’t mean I’m throwing your own words back at you! I don’t do that to people!
So, you say you don’t trust adults. Can you think of any reason(s) why?
I had suggested talking to your doctor (or other ones if you have more than a primary care physician.) I can’t speak for all doctors, but they should understand what this is about. This is no longer the Dark Ages of mental health for chrissake!
Moreover, if it is out of their scope as doctors, they can refer you to a proper physician to obtain help. Regardless, whoever you speak to should also listen to your concerns about confidentiality. Be sure to bring that up!
What about a guidance counsellor at your school? I’m not sure how you feel about that, since you perform so well. However, that is why they are there. To help students overall, not just pick the best uni to attend after you graduate! Further, all information should be confidential as well.
Also regarding school, you think that (I am assuming your parents?) get angry if you aren’t performing well and all of the other things. Are they angry or concerned about your performance in a different way? Could they really be encouraging you, but it’s coming off in a very intense manner? I’m not defending them. I don’t even know them. I just know that it is very easy to misinterpret people.
I can say one thing that is medically proven. Dr. PA knows this. As a teenager’s body changes and grows, they actually do require more sleep. It is extremely unfortunate that parents feel their kids are merely “lazy.” Hey, another thing to talk to your doctor about?
The ED stuff. Going to your doctor is still ringing in my ears.
You say you go to church. You didn’t say what religion you practise. Either way, you could speak to your priest/minister. You might be surprised at what resources they have up their sleeves to help people! This should also be kept confidential! Keep bringing that up!
Right now, the last thing I can think of are community resources. There can be real gold mines of resources for help with whatever that is going on with people! Maybe have a look there, too?
I know a lot of this is scary. You might not have liked a lot of what I have written, here. I just want to help you, hon.
x
February 2, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Well I’ve cut for years but this winter I recently started cutting all over my forearms and well the scars a bright pink and fairly big…this summer…I have no idea how I’m going to hide them and I’m pretty worried.
February 8, 2012 at 10:32 am
I used to stick straight pins into my arms when I was a teenager. Fifty years have passed so the scars are no longer there. In the meatime I’ve been blessed with on going counseling, group support, whole food vitamin therapy to correct sleeplessness, depression, and anxiety. For me cutting was a way of sharpening my senses. There is an aspect to this that is hard to define, and that’s lonliness. Who can relate to someone who cuts? Not many people.
Blessings to you
February 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm
Hi Maddie96. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I don’t think we’ve met before.
Also, I am so, so sorry it has taken me this long to get back to you with a response! I’ve even written posts before responding! Posts that I didn’t even think I had the stamina to write, so my brain’s been pretty messed up.
Regardless, the main reason I feel terrible for not getting to you sooner is because of this subject. I hope I haven’t caused you any anxiety if I kept you waiting!
Your concern is very common. A lot of people just cover up with long sleeves, and that’s that. Some may only do it in certain (public) places where they feel more self-conscious. Yet, when it feels more safe (public or elsewhere) roll up those sleeves, wear a T-shirt or whatever.
I’m not sure where you live and if it gets warmer faster now that we are in February. Is the concern that you will look a bit odd if it’s hot, and everyone else is wearing less clothing?
I’m not sure how you dress, but I just looked on my bed and found a pair of those striped gloves. The ones where there is a large hole for all of your fingers and then a smaller one for your thumb. Do you know of those?
As funny as this may sound, maybe there are other fashionable things out there for the cutting self-conscious! Talk about an “interesting” cottage industry.
Have you ever considered that people will be okay with seeing the scars? Are there any specific ones that you’re afraid of (with good reason) to react in a negative way? I say “good reason” because we are operating under the assumption that everyone will react negatively.
I bring this up because I cut on my forearms. I don’t hide my scars. I don’t care who sees them–whether I know them or not. Perhaps surprisingly, I have never experienced a negative thing from anyone.
In some cases, I’ve even had other cutters open up to me that they cut when they see my scars. I also think that only one person actually asked what they were, or what happened. I just said, “They’re cuts.” The person nodded and walked off. That was it.
I’m not saying you have to do what I do. Of course not! I just wanted to make the suggestion that people may actually be fine with it. Then, follow up with my experiences.
What do you think?
Even though I was so tardy, if you want to come back more and talk about it, please do!
Hi Barbara. Nice to meet you, and welcome also.
I’m very happy that you’ve done a lot of healing, and having good supports around you is very important. I’m also happy that you’ve managed to stop the self-harm when you wanted to. I sure do, and I haven’t cut in a while!
Although, in my response to Maddie96, and from personal experience, I think there are a lot of people who may not “relate” in such a precise manner, but if they care, they would want to know more.
Even if it’s someone you don’t know hardly at all, out of sheer curiosity, they’d like to learn more about it. I find these people are very caring as well. They get it, but they don’t “quite” get it. I’ve talked to loads of them!
Actually, I’ve even been able to explain self-harm to people who do not have a clue period! They think what I do is so completely awful! Well, then.
Let’s talk about you and look at things from a difficult angle. How do things affect you, and then what “completely awful” things do you do? Because, you see, there are so many forms of self-harm. People just don’t realize. it.
They may not want to “relate” to me that much, then. That’s because I just ran roughshod all over them, and they aren’t particularly pleased with that. You know. They don’t like to see their images in a mirror held up to their faces with mine right beside it.
April 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm
TY for making a site like this…..not much of a talker, but reading what everyone else has written may be enough to make sure I don’t do something stupid again today….Thx again….-Ritz
April 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I cut…I need someone to talk to..
April 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Hi Ritz. I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
Welcome to my blog and thank you so much for your compliment. Hearing things from people like you, writing things like, that inspire me to keep blogging.
Also, you say you are not much of a talker, but look what you did! You made a comment here! You took part in the conversation here and that is amazing.
Why? Because the more we all talk about this issue, the more we can support each other. Reduce the stigma, bring it out of the shadows, and again, support each other by not feeling so alone.
So using your voice here is a very valuable contribution. I respect you so much for taking part and joining in.
Take care and come back anytime.
PA
Hi anonymous. Thank you for posting here, and welcome too.
Cutting is a very difficult issue. I’ve always said that each cutter has a different story. It’s true. Nobody’s reasons etc… are the same.
I want to demonstrate a very important point to you, but I want you to understand when I say it, it doesn’t mean that because you cut, you are “ill.”
The hardest problem or barrier for people who are mentally ill (and physically too!) is to admit that they need help. However, once someone states that fact, it’s like the rest is a piece of cake!
Well, I won’t admit that treating things is simple and always joyful. I just want to say, when you get to the point of saying, “I need help” it’s fantastic!
Now anonymous, Dr. PA as I am also known here, is not a real doctor. Nor is she a real therapist. However, as a real cutter and blogger, this is what she can suggest.
Speak to your doctor about this. Now that you say you want help, it’s time to take action. Your doctor should then be able to get you the proper supports for that help. It may be a referral to a psychiatrist, or a therapist or both. I can’t say. All I can say is it does need to be addressed by professionals.
You could also (with your doctor’s/therapist’s help) perhaps find a good support group. The professionals that deal with cutting can have access to amazing resources! I’ve found that out and I’m a very good researcher! Not to brag…
I know it may be frightening to share all of this. I do. But if you want the help, and that’s a very fine thing, make an appt. with your doctor to talk about it.
Take care,
PA