Why Am I So Tired, Why Do I Feel Like Shit (Sort Of Moody) And Why Can’t I Think?
I was going to blog about something else today and it would have been relatively easy, but because of the above…I’m not going to do it. This is going to be more of a “tell all.” Maybe you will be proud of me? I am trying to be proud of myself. If perhaps the latter reason is…well, the reason?
I’m looking at the calendar. My period got kind of fucked up last month so could it be that? My appetite is kind of screwed up (i.e. I’m craving things so…?) That could also explain the lack of energy (but I am really tired.) I mean, really, fucking tired.
The thinking? My hormones don’t make me stupid. However, they screwed up at Merlin #2′s office last time and shortchanged me on my last Biphentin script, so I need to ration it out until I see him late next week.
Reason number two is I’m using this week to try and kick the booze. Or at least stop going basically every goddamned night to the pub which I was still doing. I hadn’t blogged about my drinking habits as everyone kept giving me hell about it. I got tired of everyone bitching me out. I felt bad enough as it was.
So take a week off, lock myself up, and only go out unless I have to. If I do go out, only do it for very essential reasons. Or a distraction like a movie. Although I’ve been watching some at home and, again, been so exhausted that later on at night I’ve been passing out before they’ve been finished. It makes me think I don’t need my Seroquel/Quetiapine, but I’d probably have mid-sleep awakenings, early morning awakenings, and because I am so wiped I do want, and need my sleep.
And speaking of movies, I feel like Ewan McGregor’s character in Trainspotting where he boards up the door while trying to quit heroin with all of his “supplies,” and then promptly proceeds to tear it all down!
No, I’m kidding. I’m fine. No need to haul me off to hospital or call my doctor. If these are really “detox” symptoms they are mild. I’m not going to seize (I have enough meds in me to prevent that anyway!) I’m not hallucinating…none of that business. I just feel way more out of it than I should be? I don’t know.
It’s been a little under 48 hours since I’ve last imbibed. I had made the decision so it was like…okay, it’s vacation time…bye bye! These are peak times for this kind of stuff to hit.
I remember in the summer when I put my “Sobriety Meter” on my blog, and it kept going up and down like a yo-yo. Now that was embarrassing… I’ve been drinking like a fish since I’ve gotten out of hospital (last April) so that’s been almost a year now? That’s pretty embarrassing too.
People always say when trying to quit…oh, I’ll only drink socially, blah, blah, blah… I’ve been able to do that. I’ve also quit smoking for periods. Then started. Then quit again. Then started again… At least I’m making a concerted effort. It’s more than I’ve done since everything bloody went to hell in a handbasket, and I started all of the self medication crap (again) after hospital…by again I mean I have a history of it when going, and being, and becoming mental. PA gets triggered, and she reaches for the bottle. Others may reach for something else. Pick your drug of choice.
So who knows? We’ll see. In a few days I’m sure I’ll be right as rain. Regardless of whatever it is that may be causing this so screwed upped-ness.