I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?
I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.
I am still hesitant.
I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.
The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!
The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.
However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.
But the other cuttings? *sigh*
The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?
And I know, I know…
I hear you all: “PA STOP DRINKING! STOP DRINKING!”
Yes. I know.
I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.
Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!
As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?
Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.
Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!
Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.
But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.
As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?
And I still hear you…
I told you CheddER come and get me…
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May 22, 2008 at 9:59 am
When it comes to self harm my doctor and I have narrowed it down to “In control” and “Out of control”. When I am not cutting or barely cutting it is seemed to be in control so he just shrugs and moves on to the next topic. The two times I have stated it is out of control it landed me back on the psych ward. The problem is I am completely aware of this so I tend to tailor my answers to make sure I avoid the hospital at all cost. The reasons why I do it are not important to him just whether or not I am cutting and what the damage level is.
May 22, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I hope your appt. with Merlin #1 went well today. Post an update when you can. I haven’t been posting much either. It’s kinda been a “meh” feeling lately.
May 23, 2008 at 8:05 am
I think we’d be better off without doctor’s who throw pills at you because they get payed to do so…..Just gimmee a bag of wacky weed and some Jack, I’ll feel fine. Hahaha, sorry, made myself laugh, since I’ve never done any illegal drugs, but I still feel my recipe is probably true. Excuse me, it’s time for me to take my 5 morning pills or as I call it, breakfast.
Peace to you my friend.
May 23, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Hi untreatable, that’s a really interesting way to look at it with your M.D., whether it is manageable or not. Perhaps that is a responsible manner in which to handle things? I mean, if it’s epic or really dangerous you need a hospital stay–at bare minimum to have the cutting attended to!
You can’t simply “change” the behaviour–like prescribing an “anti-cutting” pill.
And the reasons…hmmm…that is an interesting point as well. That one really made me think. My M.D.s only seem to ask me if I have entertained any thoughts of self harm during times of crises such as this. Perhaps that may be because I am not a regular or habitual cutter?
Hi mom, yes, I wrote a bit about it above. I was rushed for time a bit as Grocery Man invited me over for dinner and a visit. When I got home later, yes…had to quickly get the post up. I kind of didn’t include everything–some as per this post.
I did ‘fess up about the alcohol consumption at least. I figure points for that, there? But I didn’t mention anything about the cuttings. It was a regular session time wise. I am all emotionally twisty and turny these days, however, so I’m going back in a week.
He heads up north on a regular basis to work with an underserved population in our province so the city clients need to work around that part of his schedule. But again, is Merlin #1 not a gem or what?!
And not only when he heads up to a northern part of our province where they need M.D.s he leaves all of his numbers on his service (including home!) He does this with his city numbers too!
Oh, and for the drinking, he just asked how much, how often, when was the last time (hahaha…I said yesterday…the day before the appt.!), was I hungover (hahaha again–I told him with a self medication hx going back to my early 20s, I don’t GET hangovers anymore–maybe just a little tired until I take my meds and have a few cuppas to get going.)
Other than that, the appt. went well. Just that I was so afraid and I can’t seem to calm myself down. Neither of us seemed to have any answers for that one.
Hi misterbooks, I can always rely upon you to give me a chuckle here, can’t I? I have never really done much pot or anything else in terms of drugs. Not my thing. I preferred alcohol as my “drug of choice?” But Jack?! Actually, I prefer my whisky to be Scotch (or Irish if I can’t get Scotch…) Still, never into weed.
I remember a bunch of friends doing pot, though, when I was a teen. Passing around the joint or the “bottle toke.” Do you know of or remember those misterbooks–or anyone else out there?
Okay, not that this is fucking “Drug Smoking Instruction Blog” but no doubt you could find this information out there on the Internet anyway! A “bottle toke” was basically done by using a bong–and I mean a really cheap one! Now, I am going to show my age although I suppose a glass Perrier or San Pellegrino bottle would still work. Pop bottles that are glass don’t exist (at least here) anymore.
So what you would do is find an appropriate sized pebble. Just about the size of a cigarette, maybe a tiny bit larger but not too much, then, toss it in the bottle. Back in the day, wee PA was a goth so there was a lot of Dr. Martens wearing boys (and girls too even though PA didn’t) but the boys were usually stronger–although some girls could do this as well (PA couldn’t–or maybe she lucked out once?)
Next, insert pebble into glass bottle and bang bottom of bottle on bottom of booted foot really hard! This should produce a nice, round, little hole and out thy pebble fall.
After that, you have your nice little “bong on the cheap” where you can place your wee bit of hash on your lit cigarette, cover the hole with the rest of your fingers to allow maximum smoke fillage and minimum smoke seepage. At desired smoke fillage–begin bodily smoke inhalage or suckage!
Anyway, one night in my bedroom in the basement of the house (true latchkey kid…after divorce at 14, non-bio dad didn’t give a shit what I did…actually, growing up at any age neither of my parents gave a shit…) So, have a few friends over, they’re getting high as a kite, I feel nothing. Except it felt like my hearing improved. *laughing* No, seriously! I kept telling them to be quiet! They were so loud! I really don’t think they were being all that loud. It just seemed I could hear everything!
Other than that, pfft. So, while they were all laughing and whooping it up, I kept smoking. And smoking. And smoking…determined to be as jolly and happy as they were. All I did was end up making myself puke!
Later on in my 20s, something must have happened because I’m one hell of a cheap stone now! Again, not that I do it. Drinking is one thing but pot can really fuck up my bean while I’m on meds!
No doubt though your “recipe” makes a lot of people feel just dandy, however. Of that I am quite sure!
Five pills in the morning? Why that just happens to be my magic number for breakfast as well! I’ve been thinking about getting one of those pill organiser thingies because with everything I have occasionally forgotten to take something–and with dosage changes that still seem to be happening “as we speak…write…whatever?” Although, I wonder if they manufacture ones that are large enough!
Love and peace to you back, my dear.
Oh, heavens! I think this is a very long comment! I blame it on the fact that I have not had any tea yet. OMG, do you all know how many times I have used that “excuse” on my blog? It may very well be true, however.
*PA pads off to make a cuppa before even proofing this comment*
May 23, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Bawhahaha…your comment on my comment made me laught out loud, I love it. Yes, as I said, I never did any “drugs” but I’ve got this one friend….
anywho…I tried the 7day, 4 compartments/day pill organizer, because dinner consist of 6 pills, and I would take this thing to work, because I work swing, days and midnights, and a co-worker saw it and said “cool, that’s for the whole month?” and I laughed. Seriously though, I was always forgeting to refill my perscriptions when then ran out while I was doing the organizer thingy. Weird….
Peace,
May 24, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Hi misterbooks, was it all about the “bong on the cheap,” stuff?
That’s funny about your colleague as well.
I once told someone about all of the meds I’m on and they said: “Wow, you must rattle when you walk!” It was in jest but I thought it was so cute and funny.
I also have to watch my refills and all of that. It’s such a pain in the arse. The only one I could get away with for a period of time is the Biphentin. Stims are the only drugs that you can safely take a “drug holiday” while taking. Okay, I suppose you could take a drug holiday with any psych med but I never would with mine!