I Could Say Several Things, Pick the Most Useless

June 7, 2008 in ADD, Blogging, Boring Posts, Cranky, Therapy, Uncategorized

Well.  Busy day.  Sunny, warm.  Very nice.  Went outside and read (!)

Tried to work.

I feel dejected but am trying to suppress those feelings.

I am not feeling as physically sick today (so I could go outside) but I hope I don’t have a “relapse” tomorrow.

Something personal is bothering me but I am trying not to go into “Cognitive Distortion Land” as I have enough on my plate already.  And basically Cognitive Distortions are just fucked up illusions when you’re all psycho-mental, going out of your mind, insecure, stressed out or having a “fill-in-the-blank-attack.”

I don’t want to go there with this situation.

I want to believe and trust that it is okay.  It is alright and secure.  That it “was the way it was.”  And even if it blows sky fucking high, then I can deal with it.  Because it was just like the ones that happened before and even though they blew sky high, somehow I managed.

However.  This is not the time for something in my life to blow sky high on top of everything else.  Hence, not wanting to even tread near lovely “Cognitive Distortion Land.”  It’s like a massive thought process of “Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.”  And try not to let your patience unravel in the process.

So keep busy.  And not go insane in the process.

Huh…maybe that was…post wise…

…kinda not “useless?”

Sometimes, I think my entire blog is “useless.”

Good grief.

I should sleep.  Or eat.  Or watch “useless” television.

But no more reading.  You should be impressed by how much reading that little ADD, PA did.  No, really.

Laters.

8 Replies

  1. sodajerk

    June 8, 2008 at 4:23 am

    i get those sometimes……i thought it was just me bein a wee bit Paranoid.

  2. misterbooks

    June 8, 2008 at 5:57 am

    Visited there, and I don’t wanna go back. It’s amazing how the mind can take off running break the world apart. I did that awile back, reading some physics books….I’ll stick with fantasy and fiction thank you.
    Peace,

  3. Brigitte

    June 8, 2008 at 6:41 am

    Sometimes everything seems useless! But then that could bring about the thought of why do anything at all? Why even bother living out a life of uselessness, etc…. but I’m rambling/thinking too much.

    When you said you should eat I realized I’m hungry. And I need to be asleep.

    Mm, I find it so odd that you write a whole entry on this situation you’re potentially conjuring but don’t really get specific. Leaves me very curious. And I suppose you could have just disclaimer-ed that what you were about to say probably isn’t the case and then state the case. But you didn’t and now I’m wondering what the whole entry was about.

    Hm… well…! I should go to bed now. (: Night.

  4. patientanonymous

    June 8, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    Hi sodajerk, yes, Cognitive Distortions are a very well know psychological phenomenon and they are the basis behind CBT: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Perhaps when I said: “illusions,” that may have not been the right word as I was tired when I wrote this post last night. They are in fact thoughts that you are having but they may not be the actual fact of the matter–what is really happening.

    I’m trying to decide whether I should get more into it in my next post from a psychological perspective or somehow more personal but Brigitte kind of nailed me on something down there.

    I’ll try and get to that…somehow…in my response to her but my brain is full of cotton batton at the moment. Perhaps more tea will help before I move even further on with responding even to this post.

    Hi misterbooks, well, ’tis true. Our minds can take us virtually any/everywhere. I would like to say, “…if we let them…” but no. Doesn’t apply. Hence, when the Cognitive Distortions occur with us mentalists, the need for CBT?

    Now, I’m not saying that CBT is a panacea (and that everyone needs it–for not every mentalist has CDs to the extreme.) Some do, some don’t. Different forms of therapy are like meds. You use (or try) what may work best for the person.

    Also, CBT is hard! Well, all forms of psychotherapy are. They take a lot of work and generally are ongoing. It’s not like you walk in, do several sessions and: “Hallelujah, Jaysus! Praise the lord, you are healed!”

    When I was both inpatient and (to a lesser extent) outpatient we delved into it but only skimmed the surface. I think I still have some of the old paperwork lying around my flat but it’s easy enough to look up on the Internet to get a “list” of the majority of types of Distortions and how it all works in your bean etc… That is to say, how they come about and how the therapy is supposed to get you to stop, pause and think etc…

    The only problem? How do you do that when you’re in a torrent of crazy, brain spinning, ahhhh! That’s where the therapy comes in. Again, it’s hard work.

    First off, Brigitte!!! No, I’m not yelling at you. I should be yelling: “Akismet!!!” Although, they do almost rhyme.

    You are still getting caught in my Spam queue. I keep de-spamming you. WP can’t do anything. They just say the same thing. Keep doing that and “Akismet will learn.”

    Yes, I agree. Sometimes, everything seems useless. However, I do not have the luxury of lying about in my state of feelings of uselessness. I need to try and keep myself motivated as much as I can re: job stuff.

    As far as you saying I left out specifics re: the Cognitive Distortions and the situation. Well, it would not be the first time that I have been vague on my blog. Purposely so, in fact?

    You could then say, “Well, why the hell write it at all?!” It’s a valid question. Then again, so is: “Why the hell do any of us blog in the ways that we do at all? At any given time at all?”

    At times for me, it’s just to say a big fat, “BLAH!” Something is on my mind and…”BLAH!” So, sometimes with certain things, to get into the five W’s and the H is just too much. I mean, even though this blog is deeply personal, there are some things that will never be published or written. That may leave a reader or several readers confused but…? Again, it may just come doean to, again, a personal: “BLAH!

    Like I wrote above. I could try and get more “into it” in my next post but oh, dear. Even responding to this, writing about it? Will it give me more Cognitive Distortions? Has it already? Yes?

    *PA semi-laughs*

    *PA trots off to take a Valium/Diazepam along with her next tea*

  5. Brigitte

    June 8, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    [Writing all of this in one comment so you only have one comment to de-spam]

    Alright so I looked up cognitive distortion as I wasn’t sure what exactly it entailed (the specifics, you know) and I almost fell off my chair laughing (in a sad, quiet awed/shocked kind of way). If you’re talking about those 10 specifically I’m guilty of committing SEVEN of them at any given time. *dies*

    Well! Seems I have some work to do with myself. Self-improvement. Self-perfection. Self-discovery. Lalala, working on the SELF.

    And yes, you got it when you said “representation of a ‘chance’” as that’s what I meant.

    When I said that stuff about uselessness I was more referring to how I feel at times. You most definitely should not feel that way. Hope, for you, is not yet lost. (: I know most definitely you’re going to be able to pull yourself together when the time is right.

    You can feel free to write in any style you like on your blog, but I felt left incomplete. ): Now if it’s going to be completely unhealthy to write it down then don’t, but I’d like to quote some lyrics here:

    2 AM and I’m still awake writing this song
    If I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me
    threatening the life it belongs to.
    And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
    ‘Cause these words are my diary screamin’ out loud
    And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.

    Yes… music is amazing. (:

  6. beartwinsmom

    June 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    CBT is not a cure-all, just like taking antidepressants are not a cure-all. But, you need to get your brain re-wired and back on track so you can do the hard work of CBT to pick up the pieces again.

    So says the Mom who needs to practise what she preaches. ;-)

  7. patientanonymous

    June 9, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    Hi Brigitte, I can’t remember if I had to de-spam this one or not…it was late last night and I was exhausted. No doubt, I probably did.

    Try not to be too worried about the CDs. Sometimes I think that everyone may experience them to some extent. Even those that aren’t nutcases. That is possible? It may be more of a problem when they crop up habitually and you just can’t deal. Also, working on “the self” may apply to everyone. No, I think it does! When you’re crazy, it just may be more challenging?

    Thank you for your support but believe me, I do feel useless at times! Absolutely!

    Those are interesting lyrics. I don’t think that anyone would use what I write here against me. Perhaps I am taking them too literally? I don’t know if I’ve ever written anything “unhealthy” here. Hmmm. No, probably just something “ranty” about something unhealthy? I’m not even sure of that one but perhaps.

    I’m sorry you felt incomplete but I remember a post on your blog where I think (?) you wrote something in (apologies, not familiar with languages you study so I’ll just say…) Japanese and then you said…nope, nuh-uh…not going to go there.

    Maybe it’s not the same with the way I was being cryptic, as I was more “blatant” in being cryptic (how’s that for an oxymoron.) So maybe some of us do tend to try and get things out but we’re “stuck” or afraid or some of the reasons I mentioned above?

  8. patientanonymous

    June 9, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Oh, shoot…sorry mom. Forgot to add you in there. Indeed. CBT isn’t bang on.

    I don’t use it actually as usually I don’t get all “Distorted.” It only happens sometimes when…as the discussion above might indicate, under stress?

    I’m not sure but they are not an ongoing thing for me. I might get a “knee jerk reaction” to something but hopefully it can all get sorted out. If I’m stable, of course…all is good. Again, though–repetitively–that’s kind of the whole point.

    As I said, I am under stress now but I did manage to get myself calmed down a bit before going to sleep that night. Hopefully, the stress won’t bring on more of the “Distorted” thinking. If so, I’ll review with Merlin #1 and maybe see what we can do about that.


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Cognitive Distortions and Being Vague on My Blog »

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