I think at times we all go through this. I know I have before. We ask ourselves:
“Should I take a break from blogging?”
“Do I need a break from blogging?”
“Should I stop blogging altogether?”
“Should I just bloody well take the whole damn blog down?!”
I’ve been pondering the first two since I got up. I’m not really sure.
You see, the problem is, I’m not really sure about anything now. *crying*
No, I’m not. It’s getting bad. Really bad.
Sure, we can all say that “…in the grand scheme of life…” but that is not what I am talking about.
I can feel myself just slipping away…into nightmares that have returned but only morphed into slightly different shapes. I never thought I’d be back in this kind of state before.
I feel like a little child or a baby who just can’t take of herself, let alone manage huge tasks like finding a job or going back to school…anything like that!
How…?
So if I leave blogland for it bit, it’s because I’m trying to…I don’t know…I’m so messed up I can’t even explain it.
But staying here is good too because it is comforting.
But it’s not because it hurts too. I read some things on some peoples’ blogs last night that really made me feel…
God, I’m fucking bawling. I can’t stand this. I don’t know how much more I can take! Honestly!
Fuck me.
You see, I’m One Big, “I don’t know”; “Not sure of anything;” “What the Hell;” Completely, Terrified Mess.
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January 5, 2009 at 5:54 pm
You could quit everyday… or just quit blogging one day at a time. I know it probably sounds like 12 step mumb jumb, but just don’t blog today. I hate the way the same things that are so wonderful and so much a part of us can feel like such burdens at times. No fair. But seriously, why not just take off the rest of today, and maybe tomorrow, and not worry about the next day yet because it’s a long way off. Thanks for your take on my elbow dream. I think you were spot on with a couple of your thoughts. bye!
January 5, 2009 at 6:29 pm
for as long as i’ve read you, pa, you’ve expressed a real need and enjoyment for blogging. i admire that about you, because you’re constantly tackling issues and struggles that can’t be easy to discuss.
you do whatever you have to do. but something tells me you need all the support and means of expression available to you right now. more than ever, perhaps.
try to keep thinking in forward terms. if that means keeping your blog up, do it. if it means doing something else that helps you get through this difficult time, do that.
one day at a time, girl. don’t beat yourself up.
January 5, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Hi Margo, good to see you.
Your perspective makes total sense but should I go for a long time in a day-to-day kind of flow? This is why I wrote this post.
There have been discussions in the mentalcase blogosphere about people just taking off without notice, or as I wrote above, worst case scenario, yanking their blog with no notice to anyone!
We all tend to make some sort of connections with each other, even relationships, so if someone were to pull some kind of disappearing act, it can get people in a bit of a tizzy. Where is he/she?! Are they alright?! I mean, we’re all “bats in the belfry,” here. Let’s not mince words! Has he/she topped themselves?!
So, I feel it at least a bit of a responsible thing to say…hey guys…if I’m gone for a bit, don’t worry…I haven’t topped myself.
You’re welcome about the “elbow dream.” It does kind of make me chuckle…any other acrobatic acts that have been passed down through your family lore? Anyway, glad I made some sense in a nonsensical way?
January 5, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Hey dw, good to see you too. You just snuck in there while I was leaving another comment.
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and perhaps very insightful post too!
It gives me a lot of food for thought right now. A lot. And I think it IS a very insightful post because you are a very intelligent and insightful person. You have just nailed me right on the head right now.
Especially in terms of support? That is definitely lacking. I will be honest about that. Always honesty at PAs place, right?
And thanks for you “admiration.”
Hugs,
PA
January 5, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I have no support right now either and if feel more accepted and expressive on the net. I have never been a “net” person before I started my blog so I am kind of diggin it. I can read other people’s blogs too and be like what? But then again I think I do the same when people stop by my site. I am a pretty direct and brutal little bitch when I want to be. It’s nice to know that you consider your friends feelings when it comes to taking a break and letting them know it, means you are not selfish. Everyone around me is cracking up, even the “normal” people are having problems, so I just make sure to tell everyone to watch their back cuz misery loves company and through these kinds of times you find out who your real friends are.
January 5, 2009 at 8:35 pm
I’ve quit & started & quit & started… you’ll miss it if you go, plus all the readers who’d been following you will have disappeared and you have to build a new readership.
January 5, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Hi PA,
You know me a bit from my post-hospital post. When I came home and was able to access my computer I thought:
“OK, I just tried to “top” (that’s not the word I used) myself, I have no friends, I have no one to talk to, no where to go, and Monday is a loong way off. Maybe I should start that blog I always wanted to start.”
So I googled “how to start a blog.”
I read a few reviews and it seemed WordPress was the best way to go.
I came here and searched for blogs about bipolar and topping ones self. (I didn’t use that word – wink – but like it a lot)
Your blog came up, the one I commented on. You instantly resonated with my own psyche, I understood everything you said, you were someone who could understand me.
Then you commented back and I now know that is your policy, but it meant A LOT. I didn’t expect a comment back but I did put your blog in my favorites folder called “survial friendly” so I could read more later. The link I saved popped me back to the same topic and viola, there was your comment.
Somebody, someone out there, took the time to tell me some good things, things I can use in my life at the time and then again, today I read more good things.
And I’ve been on your blog for over four hours.
You gave me such words of **realistic** encouragement that I wish to say Thank you!!!
Since my attempting toppling four/five days ago, coincidentally the same night you had a few too many, so did I. It was a bad mix and one I rarely, rarely do. So the New Years shooters and the anti-depressants, losing my relationship, struggling to cope, Wham.
Do I think today that things are going to get better? They always do PA, they always do. Up and down. But day-by-day is the only way to go, really, it is the only thing we have. Today. No matter who you are, tomorrow is no guarantee. Day-by-day. Plan whatever, do whatever you want in the future, but you can’t get there without day-by-day.
Please don’t take the blog down. There is so much there and some of us read archives too! Absolutely take time away if needed. I was devoted to one website, one forum, in fact that forum and now your blog are the only two places I have ever posted. But I posted over 5,000 times on that one, important site.
I had to *retire* from the site, I posted I was retiring and left. I had to because the topic matter is heavy, difficult and the research devastating. It got too deep into my soul and I could see it blackening because of the kinds of cruelty and inhumane things some people do to each other. But it was important and now that site almost always pops up first when people are doing searches and many, many people go there now. So the timing was good for me.
I tell you this because I think I understand the part of you that needs to go but maybe doesn’t want to go. We do build relationships online and it’s hard to leave those people but on the other hand these relationships are essentially superficial so the missing part passes rather quickly, compared to the real world. In my humble experience.
Hopefully, there will be many more new topics on your blog and all of us will have many more comments to post and insights to learn.
January 5, 2009 at 9:17 pm
I’ve definitely been there, but usually it comes down to percolation. Like I have a few ideas for posts but they are a bit too personal or grubby and I can’t get the words together to try and express what it is I want to post about. Maybe saying that you are going to have a break, will kick start the words coming out like you can’t take a break?
Lola x
January 6, 2009 at 7:41 am
The problem with blogging each and every day is you start to believe you’re the person you’re blogging about… you sit down, write about how you’re feeling in the moment, and start believing those moments are you. I’ve been saying this for a year now… write about a movie, post a YouTube, take a break and red a book, then write about the book. Blogging every single day about how you feel just leads to a single line from a to z… I’m not as bad as yesterday but I’m still not good today I’m worse than the day before but not nearly as bad as last week tomorrow I hope things will be better today things weren’t better in fact they’re worse than they were three days ago but still not as bad as I remember three weeks ago being jeez that was bad sure glad that’s over lol hopefully tomorrow will be better today’s not bad I drank some tea and met someone it was nice oh no today’s horrible I missed a meeting I hope tomorrow is better…
You haven’t just been blogging for a year, Purple ninJAH, you’ve been blogging about pain for a year. And struggle. And the worst parts of your life. The way to recover from a head injury isn’t to keep hitting yourself in the head.
January 6, 2009 at 8:22 am
Whatever you decide to do about the blog, just please take care of yourself and know that we love you and are here for you no matter what, okay?
i soooo wish i had more to give you.
love,
tracy
January 6, 2009 at 10:27 am
I second what Gabriel said. Also, don’t make a burden of it by thinking you have to blog every day or something. The important thing is to take care of yourself. What you have to say is valuable to many, but if you’re not well, you won’t have much to say. It’s ok to take a break, tell a joke, read a book, see a movie and just post a note when you feel like it. Take care, wee PA.
January 6, 2009 at 11:40 am
I read all of these comments and I am gratefull to know that I have a church family of about 250 people reading my blog and then looking at my face every Sunday when I arrive. So I really don’t have a choice but to be the person that I really am on my blog. Some of the material and some of me can be a bit too much for the other chruch goers who are living a Stained Glass life. My blogs hit many nerves with them and it also inspires them to take off their mask in church and be who they really are. Hypocrisy kills. And even though PA is an athiest, I enjoy her because she is REAL. So, I guess one never knows how one’s blog would affect another, so blog on baby.
January 6, 2009 at 12:17 pm
<> I often don’t know whether I’m coming or going either, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be sure of anything. I hardly post to my blog at all and it just sits out there in limbo. I’m okay with that.
January 7, 2009 at 11:01 am
I guess I’m a newb, but if you enclose a hug in brackets it’ll get stolen by the internet.
January 7, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Anything left between the triangle brackets the computer sees as an html command… so [square] and (curved) hugs only… I don’t know what {these things} symbolize, but it’s probably dirty. So… {{{Purple ninJAH}}}
January 7, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Okay…here we go! Again, I apologize profusely for not getting back to all of you on this one! Well, just about everything but this one was a biggie. A lot of comments and you guys are great. I still have a few more on another post yet!
Shit. I need another tea to concentrate for this one. You guys are going to be in “comment hell” too, as it’s just going to be one big, long, blue box from me!
Hi raginggenius. I’m sorry you have no support now. I know how it feels. I suppose I am not completely without it but it is slim to none at times. That said, you can’t go running to what little you have all the time? It can weary them, I’m afraid.
I have always questioned if I am “needy.” I don’t think so but we can not see through others’ eyes. And even though I am going through one of the worst times in my life to date, I am needing more support. That may appear as “neediness” when you have that “slim to none” support?
Thank you for saying I am not selfish. I try not to be? I do not think I am…? Again, I do not know how I am perceived and never have known–beyond what I have said above–the basics of what other people see.
However, you are right in that you definitely do find out who your true friends are. Definitely.
Further to your other comment, I am glad to see that you find me “REAL.” That means a lot and that is true. That I do know. Also, we have talked about why you blog, hypocrisy and all of that and I am no hypocrite either. Indeed, your “Sweet Atheist,” right? Thank you so much and as you can see, I am still blogging.
Hi andr, I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before so welcome. If you have been here before, welcome back. Actually, I kind of tracked you down but you’re not…there…anymore?
Yes, you make a valid point and it had been discussed before. I think this is the third time I’ve had a go at this entire issue. You are right. I would miss it and I think sometimes you write these posts out of frustration and maybe you just need to clear your head a bit later on. Thank you.
Hi BipolarPam. Well, first off, to “top” yourself means to kill yourself or commit suicide. It’s a UK term. I have a fairly significant UK readership (or I did…I think I still do?) so I have tended to toss in so many UK terms. Glad you liked it though–you may hear more?
Your comment is so heartfelt. And you “crazy” woman! Four hours on my blog! I’m surprised your eyes didn’t pop out and you didn’t get a massive migraine yourself! Wow. That is a very huge compliment. Thank you.
I am happy that I have some way helped you, that my words have “resonated” with you and that you feel we can relate so well. Again that means a lot. You are most welcome?
I am also happy that you didn’t expect to receive a comment from me and you did. Yes, I respond to everyone because they took the time to read me and say something. Everyone deserves to be heard, they all have a voice and therefore, I respect that and speak back to them. No one is ignored on my blog.
Thank you for your words of encouragement about hope for the future. It is so hard at times when we see nothing but negativity. As mental loonies we can simply get caught in that mode. It’s just the way it goes.
And no…I’m not taking my blog down. Thank you.
Hi Lola Snow. Yes, another valid point. Perhaps similar in what I said to andr. You just need to step back and clear the cobwebs a bit.
I too get ideas running in the back of my mind regarding things I want to write about but then something always comes up (at least these days) and I never get around to writing them. A lot of times, they aren’t about my crappy life but posts that go in another direction entirely.
Which of course now leads us to…
Hi Gabriel…. Yes, here we (you and I) are having this little “chat” again. Like I said above, is it round number three?
Everything you say is true. It has been “A/The Year of Hell” and it has taken up the majority of my blogging space. I can not see the forest for the trees as it is my life. I have tried to toss up the odd post that is not about my life and the pain and all of that crap but perhaps I haven’t been very successful if we crunched the numbers?
Indeed. I should try and make a concerted effort to try and blog about other things? However, it’s also my blog so I should be able to blog about whatever I want… Kind of a conundrum. I guess at times it just gets to a point where you blow your stack like I did above. And your point is to try, via blogging at least, to keep things on a better, if not even keel.
I hear you. Like I said, you and I have been down this road before. Thanks, nin-JAH.
Hi tracy. Oh, you give me so much already. You always have! Just like everyone else here…so much support. Thanks, dear.
Hi Ameroux. I hear you too. I don’t actually feel that pressured, though. I think it is an outlet and maybe even blogging out of sheer boredom? Perhaps that’s another reason why I “blew my stack?” When you’re isolated and in “hermit mode” and life is not going well…it’s a bitch.
I agree I do need to get well and am trying but it is very hard. As mentioned to raginggenius, little support and one hit after another keeps coming. So it’s like my blog has just about been my only outlet! Thanks, though.
Okay! Time for “wee PA” to either chill or write less posts about her (shitty) life or more posts unrelated to the latter!
Hi thestranger. Yes, everyone seems to have their own take on the pace of blogging. I also agree that we can all end up in Limbo Land at any given time? Regarding blogging or anything else? Thank you for offering your perspective too. We seem to be talking about balance and such and it’s good to hear that you’re fine just doing whatever you wish with your blog (regardless of Limbo Land?)
Thank you too for the hug. And no! You’re not a “newb!” And certainly not a n00b! Sorry, had to toss that one in there! That’s more “geek speak” but I am hardly that computer savvy so I will admit that right here and now!
Gabriel…, got pretty much the dealio down. There are so many variants with emoticons and all of that business. I don’t even bother!
Oh, but Gabriel…! Too funny! Naughty boy!
{{{nin-JAH}}}
Again, thank you so much to all of you. I’m just going to make sure I’ve taken care of everyone here in this long-assed thing!
And PA isn’t leaving the damn blogosphere.