Sailing the Rivers of Malcontent

January 2, 2010 in Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Hospitalizations, Literary, Meds, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Therapy, You Decide

“Life is a river we poor mortals sail on.  Now you can drift with the current, ending up in the weeds of malcontent with the rest of the flotsam.  Or, dear Joshua, you can paddle your own canoe right through the storms of temptation into the ocean of plenty.”  — Joshua Then and Now © 1980 Mordecai Richler

Tonight, I may not have rid myself so much of malcontent, but the temptation of yielding toward it? And it is not so much that I have felt malcontent for these people, but more…misunderstanding? However, I will not deny that under these certain circumstances, there exists a potential for malcontent.

There is a bit of irony as to why I have opened this Post with that quote.  It all has to do with time.  This entire Post has to do with time! I read the above book during my sixth hospital stay and during it, I was dealing with one person who ties into this.  There are others, too.  Still, continuing with the irony, even on the same page where I wrote the above down, there is more of my writing dealing with this subject matter!

The kernel of it all is: “Why have people come into my life and then left…” With horrific reasons? With no reasons? Then some have even come back and something more bizarre happens? Eventually, they do leave again, though.

Before I delved into some of this, a bit of “purging” if you will, I decided to take my second Valium of the day.  Thank goodness I have a pharmacy full at home, and several pharmacies full of repeats.  I knew this would be difficult.  I would be reading some emotionally laden things.  Some written to me, things I had written that I couldn’t even recall what I’d said, as some of it all was a fair while back.

It was odd.  It wasn’t so much that I hadn’t already accepted that these people had left my life.  However, one could say there is a difference between “acceptance” and “understanding.”  Quite so.  Tonight, for some reason, I just felt I needed to “go over it all” again.  Maybe you need to keep doing things like this, in attempt to gain clarity in life.

One person was very hard.  Oh, how I cried reading some things.  Then I found some other things, some gifts that I will obviously keep.  I am not one to toss things out like that in a mad rage, or anything.  No, I am very sentimental.

Then, I just laid down on my bed and cried some more for a while.  Then, I started running around my flat like a mad woman! I was trying to see if I’d ever written down anything else remotely related to people in my life who had disappeared! Perhaps I hadn’t suffered enough torment, already? Then, I went back to my bed and just sat like a statue.  I don’t know when I became mobile again.

I don’t know if I’m “gaining” any more “clarity” into why people seem to disappear from my life.  So many people have provided me with their opinions and answers, but they do not ring true in my own head.  What they say somehow just doesn’t make sense to me.  It seems too…simplistic? In terms of my social perceptions of the world, this entire area for me may be totally out of whack, anyway!

What may work best for me, is to let them disappear from my life. That may be a very tall order, but something worth considering as a possibility? Also, even if any exists at all, let them definitely disappear with no malcontent.