Detox Day #5 and #6
Detox Day #5 was yesterday. Not so good.
I woke up so completely depressed I tried to keep things as dark as possible in my apartment. I screamed at the sun to fuck off. I only left my bed to go to the bathroom to fill up my water bottle, piss after drinking said water, and change the most “make-you-want-to-rip-your-heart-out” CDs. Then I lied not moving at all in a rather(?) significant Dissociative state. After a long time I think I moved. The sun went down. All was black. *sighs* I guess I had to turn on a light.
That’s why I didn’t post a damn thing on this blog. Although, as the night moved on, time for some more Bipolar hypomanic euphoria! That’s how I ended up actually looking at Twitter when I couldn’t be arsed to at all earlier. Maybe that godawful depression was linked to some Bipolar activity as well. I didn’t care. Until the euphoria ended pretty quickly and I was plunged into a state of depression again.
There’s more to the picture than all of this Detox stuff happening now though. Look at what time of year it is! Not good for me. I thought if I maybe went to my mother’s place it might help. At least people would be around me? Or something? No go. Her husband has prostate cancer and is deteriorating in other ways. She needs to be with him 24/7. I can’t make the trip on my own. At least not now.
Fine. Another Christmas alone. And I already know it’s going to be a bad one. I don’t have to “wait and see” like other years. I’m going to “fight” to not make it bad. Pfft. Well, I can still try. Pfft.
More family bullshit went down, there are more Christmas triggers than just family, let’s toss my epilepsy in here now–Typical Absence Status Epilepticus. Am I missing anything? If so, does it matter? That’s enough. Go lick a frozen pole and get your tongue stuck to it so hard, it has to be cut off with garden shears.
Oh, I’m not talking to you guys if there’s any confusion.
Thus, now on Detox Day #6, I have no bloody clue what is going on. Although, I do think I am feeling better somewhat in that area. Maybe all of the neurochemistry theories that I mentioned in the previous posts are proving to help? Or, it could just be the time factor. I just want to start feeling better. Ah, I think I forgot to mention the headaches every day. Like someone had taken an axe to my skull. They are gone now. Definite improvement there.
Still, a thought last night. When I get well, what if I can’t cling to what is in my head, what I know? How sick drinking makes me? What if all of the sudden it doesn’t anymore, like the migraines I also mentioned earlier?
I said to someone that the hardest part of all this would be getting through the Detox. After that, I’ll be fine because I’ll know it makes me sick. Will the “hardest” part be the Detox? Or will it really be when I’m able to get out, function again, and enter places where they serve alcohol?
I’m trying to work on that concept now. Along with, “How about sticking your cock or all parts your vulva to the frozen pole along with your tongue? Then you get forced to eat raw sheep innards as well.” Yes. All of that stuff.
If you don’t hear anything further in terms of counting these days, it means either nothing has changed, I’m going through all the above, and it’s probably flat out fucked me over. If that’s the case, let’s hope I don’t find myself near any frozen poles. No matter how much I want to “fight.”