Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks! I Must Live!


Lots(?) of talk about suicide and me offing myself if “it gets too much?” What I recently said?

Fuck off PA.  Didn’t you learn enough from the last time? What impact it had on so many people?

Well, I was strongly reminded from a friend overseas about my epilepsy, trying to sort out its nightmare, learning today that my Creatinine levels are now “a bit off.”  Creatinine has everything to do with your kidneys.  More labs, ultrasounds etc…

I’ll probably be okay.  No, I will.  No, maybe I won’t.  But it’s still pretty ugly just thinking of it along with everything else.

NEVER in my life have I had a problem with Creatinine.  Well, duh. I’ve never had problems with anything remotely to do with renal system.  I’m now counting how many of my bodily systems are falling apart (or at least being affected.)  And sorry to repeat myself folks, losing the Clobazam is why.  Sweetie GP and I agreed, and started the list ages ago.

Immune System
Gastro System
Endocrine System
Nephrology…

Well, so be it.  But me committing suicide is NOT an option.

I made some Tweets earlier before my mobile died while out reading (escape my home while going mad!!!) I basically said such, and I need to make the most of my life–even if it is shortening.  I need to get back to seeing all the beauty there is in it; whether I seek it out or it simply appears out of nowhere.

However, I still need to make up my will and directives.  No, really. I do.  Even if I died in some freak accident.  Everyone has to have a will and their directives! Otherwise, your life as you KNEW it will be destroyed just as much as you’ve been destroyed.

Another thing is that we have amazing hospice care here.  If I’m doing a slower version of the “Kansas City Shuffle” they’ll make me so comfortable (i.e. drug me up with such high degrees of opiates) I’ll just go to sleep.  Peacefully.

And it will be peaceful for everyone else too.  My slow dance will give everyone (including me) lots of notice so we can deal with it together.

Now? I just have to remember this and keep it in mind.  Right at the forefront.

The End.

Sorry.  Not exactly a bad pun.  Freudian slip? Or just bad choice of wording.


  1. I was epileptic when I was a teenager. Going on a sugar free diet really helped me. For more information, go to Recovering from Depression, Anxiety, and Psychosis on amazon.

  2. Like what everybody says, live life to the fullest. Never give up and be strong.

  3. Hi Barbara altman. Good to see you.

    Going sugar free would cause me some problems in other areas! Due to my Gastro problems, I’m supposed to EAT! EAT! EAT! *laughing*

    It doesn’t matter what it is, and the more calories, the better! Especially now, as my Gastro problems have come back, as per this post. I’ve also gotten a lot smaller very fast.

    When the mystery sickness happened years ago, the total, medical freak out was when I went down to 90lbs. in a couple of weeks. They could only get me back up to my baseline ever since: 100lbs.

    That’s still too low even though I am small.

    I have problems with body perception. I don’t know what I look like. I have to rely on what people say and they have said I my frame is very small and I have a…I don’t know. Fine bone structure? Thin bone structure?

    Today my scale says I’m 95lbs. I’m trying to eat and the highest I’ve been able to get up to is 97lbs. But then it just falls off again!

    Thanks for your suggestion though!

    Hi David. Nice to meet you. Also, welcome to my blog if you haven’t been here before.

    Thank you SO much for your kind words and support. It means a lot that you came by to say them.

    This issue is extremely hard for me. I keep vacillating. But again, thank you.

    Take care,
    PA




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