The very last.  I’m in serious trouble.

I am a masochist but I can’t keep asking for Domination here anymore.  It’s like I’m killing myself from the outside in.  I might as well be.  Both physically and emotionally but my body is the big one.

Why do I drink? No.  Me.  Personally.

A minute trigger in some cases; others glaringly obvious make me run to the bar.  Doing something really painful, feeling like I’ve done something really painful.  Vice versa with someone or any kind of thing else that shoots back to me? Any PTSD trauma problems that appear small in the distance but actually are quite large as I travel along the road.  Usually things that are massively due to relationships!

Those of some of the more “negative” reasons.  Then there are some of the “positive” ways.

Simply enjoying the feeling of relaxing with a good book and a drink in a bar.  Going out and working on baby MacBook or writing–being productive.  That one can also come from boredom and cabin fever, but it’s true.  I do become more productive. Another one in terms of being productive, is if I do a lot of work around the house? I go to the bar as a reward for all I’ve accomplished.

I could list a lot more of both!

I used to think I was only a “psychological” drinker.  My body wasn’t physically addicted–and it wasn’t! I never showed any signs of physical cravings for it.  It was always to do with the above.  So I spoke to Sweetie GP and my Therapist regarding that fact (and a 20 year out of control self-medication history of drinking.)

That started off as a football kicked across 11 stadiums or 18 pitches.  Pick your country and/or game you like best.  I enjoy footy far, far more that “football!” I actually do.  I swear!

A constant Merry-Go-Round of discussion was the result.  Social vs. Abstinence? Try both? Only Abstinence will work? That really was a Merry-Go-Round.  None of us had a damn clue what to do with me!

Serious trouble? I had to do something that really hurt me recently.  I don’t know if it hurt them.  However, I was agonizing about it! I didn’t know how to do it, what to say.  I was having continual nightmares about it all.  I still had another one about the person last night.  So of course you know where I went afterward!

I’m once again D/W.  For those that haven’t picked up on other posts relating to, I shortened Detoxing and going through Withdrawal to that.

I think this is the third time in my own little “Hospital For One” I’ve done this.  It’s more comfortable here, surrounded by all of my things in my own environment. Uh, yes? Certainly more than the time I spent here.

SERIOUS TROUBLE.  With each successive D/T, and it doesn’t matter how little I drink, how long in between I take breaks, I am now in perpetual cycle of having to go through it every time.  And much worse, each time the perpetual cycle continues, going through it is MUCH WORSE than the last time.

I am so, so sick.  I can’t believe what is happening to me right now.  I’m not even going to write about it.  I am killing myself from the outside in.

For you other substance users, I can’t tell you what to do.  I can’t preach to you based upon this.  However, PLEASE try and get clean.

I’m going to have to do everything within my power to stop drinking.  Sure.  How many times have you heard me say that before? No.  I’m SERIOUS this time.

I can’t even believe I managed to seriously put this post together.




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