Complete Avoidance Mode

Just tossing this up for Blog365 sake.

I have done nothing today. Well, I took my meds, have watched some anime. Erm… Otherwise, I have managed to avoid life entirely. I even wanted to avoid my computer and making this post.

Today was the kind of day where I slept late, got up and just waited for it to end so I could go back to bed again. That time is coming, I guess. Soon.

So tomorrow, I will hopefully get back into a sort of, “Getting Things Accomplished Mode.” Today is/was kind of a shite day.

I’ll get back to everyone’s comments tomorrow. Again, not avoiding you guys, just having some problems in the functionality, motivation and emotional departments at the moment.

Until the ‘morrow, then.
PA

My Head, My Stomach. No More Ouchies, Please?

Where shall I begin? From top down? Chronologically?

I never really wrote about my migraine yesterday as I was very out of it. I’m just a tad more coherent today, however. So let’s start with the migraine.

I am not particularly pleased that I seem to be getting these more frequently. Although they are not as severe or debilitating as ones prior, I am at least pleased that I am blogging about them. This is providing me with a record, more or less. I wrote, I believe, the last time that I may have to start charting them–or charting something! It was a joke that I made about charting my cycles and not for pregnancy reasons!

You see, with all of this, there were two “theories” that I was sort of proposing. My only trigger is weather. Over last fall (when things seemed to really get going in this department) and this winter, there has been a bit of a discrepancy–or a “theory competition.” Weather changes vs. my hormonal changes.

I have mentioned catamenial seizures and catamenial migraines before. Now, these typically mean they happen during menses or your period. I am not so sure about ovulation as your hormones are kind of working in another direction. Now, I know I am ovulating right now (but I’ll get to that.) Actually, most women know if their cycles are regular but there are other (or can be) physical indicators.

Yesterday, the weather did drop a bit in temperature but it really wasn’t that significant. Shit. So what do I do now? Wait a couple of weeks or so and see if my head goes ‘crash, crash, bang, bang,’ again? See if I feel all pukey or who knows what?

Tummy. Oh.my.god. This is the clincher that I am ovulating. The one thing that gastro-man and I couldn’t “solve” was that the pain portion of all of my symptoms wouldn’t completely go away when I would ovulate or get my period. We, or rather he, made a stupid joke and just said: “Hey, stop ovulating!” I did have to laugh. I mean, I guess if he didn’t have a solution then…what? And since I was feeling a lot better, it wasn’t as bad as before.

Well, welcome to ovulation in March! How does it feel? How did it feel last night when my sleep was constantly interrupted by it? How did it feel when I woke up and thought about calling in sick but then realized, would being at home sick take away the pain? No. Just kicking my hormones in gear and telling them to move along would be the only way!

I’ve never actually been stabbed before but it feels like someone is taking a knife (obviously a fairly large one) and jamming it right into my gut, all the way through my body and then outside my back.) Maybe it’s not a knife but one of these nasty guys or anything else they have available for sale. Yes. nin-JAH PA is getting sloppy and someone is attacking her in her sleep. It actually has nothing to do with her hormones at all.

I honestly can’t remember it hurting this much before during this whole ovulation/period business. I was saying to myself, ‘did you live in this much pain for a year or so back then?’ Well, I know this level of pain wasn’t constant but it was sometimes to this degree. It’s funny how you can forget how bad off you were either mentally or physically when you become well–or at least better to a point.

I’m seeing gastro-man in a month. I don’t know if there are any other issues that have come back (well, this is an outstanding one.) I’m not quite sure. Maybe? But here’s one that is kind of new. And here’s a link that is kind of coincidental as it’s about me ovulating again and stomach pain (I know…is this getting repetitive yet?) It’s also about the possible new symptom as mentioned above.

Also, if you don’t recall it or didn’t read it, there’s some information about the behaviour and it being tied Atypical Depression. I am not depressed.

Also…there is a fun anime YouTube clip from my all time favourite series “Cowboy Bebop” where three of the main characters eat magic mushrooms! I find it hysterical. You may too–even if you don’t like anime–I mean, beautifully drawn “cartoons,” if you will where they end up on hallucinogens in an episode?! No way on Saturday morning North American cartoons. And you’ll get to see my lovely avatar…Faye Valentine.

So here’s the post about all of that. Yes, it’s kind of all over the place. And I still don’t quite know why I’m waking up in the middle of the night craving food–yes, that is the potential “new symptom.”

It’s not every night. However, I’m not depressed. I’m not pregnant. I’m not taking Zyprexa/Olanzapine (an Atypical that makes you want to eat anything and everything that isn’t nailed down at any time, all the time.)

Both my body and my brain…I swear…

Extra Points For Shovelling When Sick And The Song I Was Going To Post Earlier

So, I went out and did the shovelling. Good lord. The snow is not “light.” It’s the heavy, “packing” type of snow, perfect for snowball fights. Snowball fights, indeed! Did I fight with that shovel and the almost foot of snow we got. Even though the area that is “mine” on the property is not that large, I had to do it very slowly, and take several breaks. Stupid, landlord! He should be taking care of this himself!

I took some ibuprophen as a “pre-emptive strike,” and I certainly needed it anyway to fend off the continual fever. I took a nice shower this morning and I probably need another now, but…too tired. Maybe later, but maybe bed later? But, probably no sleep. Sleep was fitful enough last night. Another day for a Cowboy Bebop festival? I need to work on one of my writing submissions that’s due mid-February, too. I’ve been ignoring it–along with everything else, these days. There’s also the laundry, too. Oh well, at least there’s always tomorrow, too.

Oh, great. Did they just say more snow to come on the news, just now? *sigh*

I may be feeling a bit better mood wise, today. That is a slight relief. Well, if it is true, a big relief, but I’m keeping the bit and the slight on par. Let’s just make sure that everything is in equal proportion, right? And the infection seems to be working it’s way through my body from part to part so, I guess it’s on its way as well? Maybe some more of the hot, lemony concoction should help with that.

So, the song I want to stream next is “What Have I Done To Deserve This,” by The Pet Shop Boys. I made a wee gaffe when I told Exact Science that I hadn’t streamed them before. I did. Sorry! I haven’t put up pretty much my favourite one, though.

This one is dedicated to my brain. Because it keeps sort of “abandoning” me, lately. Here are the lyrics since it will disappear off MP3 OF The Moment at some point, but the post shall remain “immortalized forever…” Well, perhaps, not forever, but you get it. I don’t know if I’ll still be blogging when I’m 80 years old from a retirement home, but never say never, right?

You tell me if you think it’s appropriate, funny, or not. I like the beginning, too, because it sounds like something is totally malfunctioning.

What Have I Done To Deserve This

by The Pet Shop Boys

(lowe/willis/tennant)
————————————
You always wanted a lover
I only wanted a job
I’ve always worked for my living
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

I come here looking for money
(got to have it)
And end up living with love, oh, oh
Now you left me with nothing
(cant take it)
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

I bought you drinks, I brought you flowers
I read you books and talked for hours
Every day, so many drinks
Such pretty flowers, so tell me
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I …

Since you went away I’ve been hanging around
I’ve been wondering why I’m feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
But I don’t know, oh
How I’m gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

You always wanted me to be something I wasn’t
You always wanted too much, oh, oh
Now I can do what I want to - forever
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

At night, the people come and go
They talk too fast, and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the drinks and crush the flowers
What have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I …

Since you went away I’ve been hanging around
I’ve been wondering why I’m feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
But I don’t know, oh
How I’m gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through? (tell me)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I’m gonna get through? (yeah)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Gonna get through?
Gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
I’m gonna get through, right?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

We don’t have to fall apart, we don’t have to fight
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
We don’t need to go to hell and back every night
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
You never ever left me, baby, think of me…
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Oh, babe
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

We don’t have to fall apart, we don’t have to fight
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
We don’t need to go to hell and back every night
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Gonna get through, baby, I’m gonna get
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Forever
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Gonna get through, baby, yeah,
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Gonna get through, get through, baby, ooh
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Ice Cream And Anime For Breakfast…No, The Carbs Don’t Mean I’m Depressed

I know. Could I be acting anymore like a child this weekend? First, throwing out my dirty dishes and now this? Well, being a “grown up” and living on your own does have its benefits. I mean, I can finally buy my lovely Nutella as I was so jealous of all the kids in Europe that could eat it for breakfast. I asked my parents and they said, “What? Chocolate for breakfast?! No way!”

Now, before I move on to the ice cream (and more crazy eating) here’s some Cowboy Bebop that I immersed myself in all morning and actually the better part of the afternoon. I had to tear myself away from it to make this post. And I really should be doing some more things today.

Ironically, it has to do with eating too. It’s pretty funny. The characters accidentally eat magic mushrooms *laughing*

So, why on earth was I eating ice cream for breakfast? A couple of reasons. I’m ovulating (my stomach’s giving me pain and it does that with hormone fluctuations–great…what’s up with that again) so that can mean an increase in appetite and possible cravings. But I usually don’t crave things during changes in my cycle. Probably because my appetite has sunken into the basement over the last year and half or however long it’s been. No, it was perhaps more because of the pain and dairy soothes it–and I’m running low on milk which is the fastest option.

Which means, by extension, I seem to be over my little dairy problem?

Cravings, however. This time around, something crazy did seem to happen. I woke up in the middle of the night in a frenzy for salt, chocolate…wow, just about everything! That was pretty funny so off to the kitchen I went and ravenously ate whatever I could as quickly as I could and then went back to sleep.

An interesting fact–or pattern, perhaps, about moods (depression in particular) and food cravings–chocolate and carbs specifically. My ex-doctor (Ding Dong, Asshole…etc…) asked me prior to my Bipolar diagnosis if I ever craved chocolate in the middle of the night! Surprisingly, I did! And it was at all times, nothing to do with hormones or anything like that–or at least my menstrual ones?

He said it was a sign of Atypical Depression. How odd as he may have had something. Even though the Wiki link doesn’t reference chocolate specifically, have a look at this. It really was the most interesting thing that I could find out there in terms of “study” material other than some abstracts–even though the title is kind of amusing. And it appears that it’s possibly/only been looked into by some folks done in Oz at The Black Dog Institute. I have no clue who they are and what they are about but the information was published in the British Journal of Psychiatry at least?

This was done in 2007 and I was seeing my ex-GP long before that. But in a way, it’s really not rocket science. Eating these things act on your brain and they make you feel good. A lot of “comfort food eating” is done with SAD and other forms of Depression as well? But I suppose, it’s also the combined somnolence factor of both the “Atypical,” perhaps and SAD? Or maybe not so much SAD–it just might be coincidental. The Atypical form gets into a lot of mood reactivity issues.

Now at the time of discussion with my ex-GP, I fluctuated between the DSM-IV characteristics of the “Atypical.” Somnolence/hypersomnia, heavy, leaden limbs, and mood reactivity but hardly over-eating! No, if anything, I lost my appetite completely. And as far as the above three, they really didn’t linger as much, as insomnia was more of a problem. My limbs? Shit, I was Bipolar–heavy limbs didn’t last that long! Mood reactivity? Again, Bipolar! Including ADD that can make you sensitive and wing you out. Plus all of the things that aren’t head related–my past and how I grew up, what I’ve experienced. Not everything is about our brain chemistry.

Anyway, I just thought I’d toss that all out there. I do know that a fair number of people do seek out “comfort foods” and eat more than they normally do when depressed. It may not have anything to do with “Atypical Depression” as a diagnosis. However, since I have still have on occasion woken up in the night when I’ve been feeling a bit lower craving chocolate, it does make me wonder.

What Faye Valentine Looks Like In All Her Glory For tracy…

Okay…we were talking about what some of the female characters can look like in more “mature” anime shows. Here is what my avatar looks like in full costume.

Sexy, huh?

Nice tight, revealing clothes, stay up stockings…now you know why I like her *laughing*

Actually, she’s a great character, too.

Recipe For Curing A Migraine Prodrome

Alright, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this for everyone out there but this is what I did.

I didn’t go home straight after work. I got hauled into the pub by “Escher” and some friends to talk. I told them of my condition and warned them that I might pass out at any second. Some pints were poured into me and I really couldn’t tell if I was coming or going. Thank goodness for the stimulant effects of alcohol and the passage of time. I did end up “waking up.”

…eventually…

I hadn’t ingested anything except about five mugs of tea and a tin of Ensure at work as I felt like such crap so I thought some food might be a good idea? On the way home, I picked up some Miso soup, salad, Sushi and Tempura. Oh, it was like Christmas in little styrofoam containers when I got home! Except that’s kind of bad because you can’t recycle them. Still, yummy.

Nothing on television though. Television sucks, don’t you think? I mean…it can. I can never find much to watch but House and a few other things. Even Jeopardy isn’t much fun anymore as you need to play it with someone else and I miss ex-partner for that. Anyway…

So I (re)hooked up my DVD player after idiot landlord came in and messed about after the whole flooding incident and it was some time for Cowboy Bebop. If you don’t know what that is, it’s pretty much my favourite anime series and my avatar is Faye Valentine from that show. See my Anime Category for more on the show. I’m still watching it as I’m typing this.

So yeah, bloody “Escher.” Well, he’s straightened up at least for now. He got shat upon at work for his drinking. I was right in my thinking that it was pretty out of control. I was also right in his prior Antidepressant trials. He’s now going on Amitriptyline, Oxazepam (my old benzo, ironically) and Naltrexone for the alcohol dependency. I told him over and over again how proud I was of him for doing this. He is seeing a psychotherapist as well. I told him to keep sticking with his meds no matter, even if one (particularly the Antidepressant) doesn’t work. You will find something that will work for you.

So some beer, some good news, some food, some anime?

It may not work for everyone but maybe it’s alright for me. And again…time…I usually get over this in 24 hours. Still, I should get to bed. It’s a little late and for some reason…I just can’t seem to get into bed at any kind of hour when I know I should. Maybe I’ll take the last Gravol in the pack along with the Seroquel, just to make sure…

I could stream a song as well but I can’t find one right now that encapsulates everything in this post: Pain, stupidity, irresponsibility, responsibility, boredom, need for sleep and cartoons (albeit–amazing ones!)

That’s a tall order for a song.

Let Me Introduce You To My Avatar…

You know, how timely of WordPress to start adding peoples’ avatars to the “Recent Comments” widgets of blog templates.

Edit: Or not…now mine aren’t showing up anymore…or at the moment…I have no idea what WP is doing.

I was thinking about composing this post and adding my avatar for all to see on my sidebar but it looks like now I don’t have to? Although, it is kind of tiny but you still get to see her.

Ah yes…my lovely Faye Valentine.

I’ll try not to swoon. She is a cartoon character after all.

I’ve only mentioned her once in passing when another commenter who was a referral came by. He loved my avatar and her. I said I was surprised and glad that he recognized her as no one had ever mentioned it before. Now I’m sure that The Laundress knows who she is. The Laundress is a fan of anime and manga too.

Faye comes from the show Cowboy Bebop that is a very popular anime series. Kind of a funny name right? Allow me to sort of elaborate if I can. It sort of makes sense if you read through the the Wiki link but if you don’t care to, I can give you a bit of a run down.

Alright, like a lot of typical anime shows, there involves space travel, shoot ‘em up try and kill the good/bad guy scenes (with a bit of typical varieties of Japanese fighting styles,) some violence (with the more mature variety,) maybe a bit of sci-fi thrown in… It kind of depends upon the story. PA also has some others that aren’t like this but Cowboy Bebop fits the above. It also has a relatively decent plot and the characters are all a bit complex. But I’ll get to that.

So the name. The “Bebop” is the name of the ship that the characters (not all of them including Faye immediately but eventually all of them) end up flying on and call home. This is in direct reference to the very cool music that the show uses as soundtrack material. It’s been widely revered for this. As the Wiki link references, a lot of the scenes are set to the music. Some of it is better than others but just have a listen to the opening scene track. Love it and downloaded it

Now you never really got a glimpse of dear Faye but hold on…I’ve got a really great YouTube coming up…it’s excellent.

The “Cowboy” part is due to the fact that all the characters, lest two more minor ones, are all bounty hunters. Yes. That is right. That doesn’t really require too much explaining.

What is kind of interesting is that the three main characters that are the bounty hunters are all rather “broken” or troubled souls in one way or another–no wonder it’s appealing to PA? Again, this is the more interesting thing about some anime shows. They can run in a series with a well defined plot or they can even be full feature length films. Again, that requires an entire plot. Not so with North American cartoons and in my opinion, the animation can not compete.

So from the Wiki reference, here’s a bit of a snapshot of the characters:

Spike Spiegel

A former member of the Red Dragon crime syndicate who is haunted by a past love triangle between his former syndicate partner, Vicious, and a mysterious woman named Julia.

Faye Valentine

An amnesiac, awakened from a 54-year cryogenic slumber. She is tricked into assuming the debt of the man that woke her, and constantly attempts to gamble on quick cash as a solution to her problems. Her past (a mystery, even to herself) is unravelled progressively throughout the series.

Jet Black

A former ISSP (Inter-Solar System Police) officer and the owner of the Bebop. Once called “The Black Dog” by his fellow officers for his relentless nature, he bears a cybernetic arm as constant reminder of what happened when he rushed into trouble without looking first. Like Spike, he is haunted by the memory of a woman: Alisa, his longtime girlfriend who left him without notice.

Edward

A wacky computer genius and master hacker. There is a popular confusion as to Ed’s gender (she is a girl). She gave herself the long and fanciful name “Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV” after being abandoned at an orphanage by her father, but it is revealed later on that her real name is Françoise Appledelhi.

Ein

A Welsh Corgi and former lab animal and referred to as a “data dog” by scientists that created him (the terminology is never explained - though he is seen hacking into a computer system in a late episode). He has enhanced intelligence and comprehension but is usually depicted as a regular dog and is often seen hanging around with Ed. Ein is short for Einstein.

So yes, a little interesting? Everyone is haunted by memories and problems…even Edward ends up having to deal with issues from her past. The only one who doesn’t is the dog!

These stories end up coming out to a degree mostly in the series but you are still left with some unanswered questions in the end…again, kind of interesting. There’s even another character that Faye ends up meeting–the only one she ever lets her guard down with–who is a man with breasts! He’s not a transsexual. He was a victim of some sort of wicked experiment gone awry as punishment, if PA’s memory serves. She hasn’t (re)watched the whole series in ages (there are 26?) episodes (aka sessions) in all.

So what else can I say about Faye. She’s one tough cookie and you DO NOT want to tick her off. But she does have a sensitive side–you only see it for mere moments in the series. There’s one episode where she tries to deal with her past and another where she and Spike (who are constantly at odds with each other because the are two sides of the same coin) have a tension filled moment and she can’t deal with his honesty. It’s too much that he actually makes himself vulnerable to her and tells her a truth about himself. She gets upset and you see that she actually cares as a person and cares about him.

Now I’m not personally like Faye…not at all. I just think she’s a great character and a riot. I get a charge out of her audacity and her outright pissiness and anger. Now I suppose the burning question…since she’s her avatar, does PA look like Faye? Well, with a blunt and the proper attire, a pair contacts and some heavy duty fire power…she might be able to pull it off *wink*

Now you must promise me (if I haven’t bored you to tears with my geekiness already) that you will watch this clip. It’s set to “Killer Queen” by Queen and it’s just so absolutely perfect. And you get to see Faye in action. I just love this…

The Road To Otakuhood

Yes, it’s official. PA is ill. Again, maybe allergies too but definitely, sick, sick, sick.

PA usually watches anime when she is sick. And tries to sleep. She’s still got a few selections left that she’s purchased over the last while that she’s never gotten around to watching…might as well pop those in the DVD player. Time to resume the road to becoming an Otaku.

Now “Otaku” is a funny word if you care to read about it. In Japanese culture it has garnered some rather negative connotations but when it gets carried over to English usage, it sort of means “geek” and you know that PA is not ashamed of being or calling herself a geek! But even in the world of fandom where some more serious players will adopt the Otaku label, someone like PA certainly wouldn’t qualify–at least not in the anime world.

Anyway, here’s what all started it off. Oh boy, it’s so old! This three-year series ran when PA was around 8-10 years old or something? Maybe more toward the latter age? It’s so hard to remember when it aired in Canada. And yes, she wanted to be Derek Wildstar (just look at his long, dark, wavy hair and his big, deep, brown eyes!) Of course he was the best looking male character. And yes, she was as in love with Nova just as much as he was! HA! PA was funny as a child and still is to this day… Now truly, nothing says geeky kid more than falling for this cartoon! Holy crap! I also tried to pick a short clip so if you are not into either cartoons or anime then you won’t die watching it.

This is a portion of an episode of Star Blazers, the second year, aka The Comet Empire:

I’ve been toying with buying the entire series, at the very least, for nostaligia but it ran for three years and it’s a bloody fortune. Oh well, it’s not like my money goes elsewhere? I’m still deciding but it certainly would further my way along the road to Otakuhood.

I have found what I believe to be a new, strong favourite, however. Oh boy…this one’s good–in a twisted kind of way. Not all anime is “child’s play.” Those are the ones that PA tries to look out for. It can be hard as you just kind of have to go on various reviews. So far, she hasn’t done too badly and only bought one that was not very good.

She hasn’t finished watching this one. She’s only gotten through a few episodes today but very, very good. She’s even in love with the opening theme song and has just downloaded it! It’s kind of sad and haunting but not really depressing…it has a nice melody?

Here’s a clip of part of the beginning of the very first episode. It’s basically a story about a young girl (about 13?) who receives an email from another girl in her school who dies–yes an email after her death. She then gets caught up in all of this sort of paranormal weirdness that is all tied to “The Wired” which is basically the Internet or Cyberspace or whatever but kind of like a really souped up version. I mean, it goes beyond email. It’s like everybody talking and voices and stuff.

I’m probably not even doing it justice in trying to explain it but it’s really quite excellent so far if you like anime. It’s called Serial Experiments Lain.

Trigger Alert: This clip shows a suicide scene. Now it’s interesting because PA bought this bootleg (PA knows, naughty, naughty but anime can be very expensive) and there are a lot of parts of the first disc that are messed up. So she never actually got to see this portion of the episode in it’s entirety–including all of the suicide scene. She’s just made the purchase online to get the “real” product.

So yes, if you like the opening song (oh, just love it…it’s called “Duvet” by BOA.) PA found it on LimeWire but it’s probably elsewhere as well. PA knows, more poaching…

Okay, without further adieu:

Alright, I suppose I’ve subjected you to enough nerdiness for now…

I Should Be In Bed…PA’s “Sick”

Considering my “physical” state I’ve been trying to find some new med blogs to read–and possibly add to my Blogroll. I have been terribly remiss in all of my blog reading, most predominantly medical blogs.

I stink.

My stomach’s been off since yesterday. Now, I ate more food than I can care to remember…since, well, who knows? Three whole meals! Can you believe it? PA ate like a normal human being yesterday! Last night, however, the pain set in with great ferociousness. It was either that or Rufus Wainwright made her tummy hurt. It has been playing merry hell all day today as well. Right after breakfast the pain was back. Off to the GP and then back home for clear liquids, lots of gingerale and a variation of the BRAT diet for dinner. Here we go again? I don’t understand. And yes, weighed in at GP’s and still no progress. I was noting that sitting against the seats on the subway was a bit painful as my spine is protruding from my back. Oh dear…

I stink.

What’s also playing “merry hell” is PAs allergies. Now she hasn’t suffered environmental allergies in several years but something is happening this year. She feels like she has a lovely upper respiratory tract/sinus infection (mostly upper respiratory at this point.) Or perhaps she does have an infection but the whole allergy thing has been going on for a while. It’s just now it’s spread from more than her little nose. But I do feel feverish.

I should be in bed. I tried to sleep earlier but was shivering like…I can’t even think of a decent simile! Now I feel like I’m afire! But still chilled…and my stomach still hurts.

I stink.

I’m also really getting tired of my mood lability. Lamictal increase to 150mg today. Normally I would be happy about this. Huzzah. Whoop-de-doo. I’m tired of my mood reactivity. It’s not the same as Atypical Depression as I am not depressed all the time! And I’m not swinging really high or really low either. But something’s not right. I think I’m back in Ultradianland at least to a degree.

I mean, yesterday was really messed up. I went from some kind of bizarre (pseudo)agoraphobic state in the morning to super space case anxiety pre-shrink appointment to absolute elation when he agreed to take me on to super depression during Rufus. I mean, the whole day was just too much! If I were a bit more “stable” would it have caused such emotional ruckus?

What’s the damn date? I don’t think I’m ovulating but the Lamictal might be screwing things up as last month everything certainly went haywire and I got my period early. And my moods have never gotten that wingy with changes in my cycle anyway.

I stink.

And speaking of “sick,” PA should go back and read 12 Days by June Kim. If you don’t bother to click on the link it’s about a woman whose ex-lover dies and she decides to drink her cremated ashes over 12 days in order to try and get over her or rid her of feelings for her. I suppose she tries to put her into her system to get her out of her system in ironic sort of way? Oh yes, and her ex-lover leaves her for a man. Charming…surprise!

It’s a manga so it won’t take up too many of PA’s brain cells. It’s fairly well drawn and it’s actually a good story despite its (slightly morbid?) content? If you’re wondering, June didn’t come up with that herself. It’s based upon the story of Artemisia and her husband Mausolus where she drank his ashes to become a human tomb. Awfully romantic, don’t you think? PA becomes so crazed with love she’d probably do it. Kind of a bizarre form of cannibalism but she found other references to it in other groups, tribes, societies around the world. God, I wonder what that would do to her stomach? Try explaining the pain to the gastroenterologist then?

PA knows what she would want done with her ashes if she were to die right now. One option is simple, the other option is more difficult. One option will probably stay the same over the years, the other may change (the more difficult one.) And no, it doesn’t involve anyone drinking them…but I suppose they could swallow a bit of me down if they wanted(?) No, just some simple scattering off/around a couple of places.