Things To Do

So I got up today and said, “To hell with it. You’ve got to start making some kind of list or something…whatever.” This is in no particular order, of course. I don’t know if it’s in any order. Some of it may completely make no sense but still, they may be at least “options?” Or something? God, I wish ex-partner was still around. She was always so good at organising me.

And for shits and giggles, I’ve turned on the “Possibly Related Posts” thingie or whatever as I want to see how that is…ahem…progressing. No doubt with this list if it’s still all wacky and FUBAR there might be some, shall we say, “interesting” results? When I just turned it on now, I could only see it activate for my…wait a minute…

It’s quite random. Perhaps as much as the list you are about to read? Links are not showing up for all of my posts, some of the links are merely links to my older posts (I don’t give a shit about that–read my archives all you want) but some are to–yes, of course–totally unrelated blogs/posts! Actually, one was a mental health blog. Okay. Fine. Of the few that I checked, only two had the “thingie” turned on. Or at least for the post that had the link on my blog?

Forget it. They are totally UNrelated… I couldn’t for the life of me think why the people would come here. Or others from there to here. Or from Pluto to my blog. Vulcan, yes. My home planet does come and visit me but these other “random” bloggers? And…ugh…I’ve gone over this…why the hell would I send people there! I do not have the time to check them out, read them as it looks like I am basically “endorsing” them. At least to a new reader? Someone who doesn’t know from WP or a blogger not using WP?!?!?!

Oh, feck it. My blood is starting to boil all over about this business again. As some people have said on the WP fora, perhaps a way to see the Possibly Related Links beforehand and then decide? Still, isn’t that a lot of work to check out the other person’s blog? I don’t care if there are links back to MY posts but it’s just so…GRRR!

Okay, this is going to be a loooong post with My List:

Things To Do

1. Kill the dog upstairs who is barking incessantly. No! I love animals! Kill the contractors working on the house next door who is making the dog bark incessantly.
2. Buy an XL package of Depends™ as I almost lost something tremendously valuable today. Let’s hear it for the good ol’ ADD! And that would be an XL package. I would need size XS.
3. And speaking of pooping my pants (okay, which I am not doing…) Laundry. Which I am doing.
4. Clean my flat (an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
5. Keep eating (also an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
6. Sort through my email. Oh…I am petrified daily to log on to my accounts due to the volume of items from work. How does one accumulate so much?! Well, from not owning a home computer for years! One could not afford one. One could only afford baby MacBook v.1 just recently. Then, it got destroyed and one had to buy baby MacBook v.2
7. Drink lots of tea. Wait, I already do that. Does that still count? Sure, why not.
8. Sort out my closet and find old clothes to donate to Goodwill or some other place in preparation for new “femme” clothes or other ones that will fit me.
9. Get a haircut in preparation for interviews–or sooner? *shrug*
10. Go shopping for clothes. Hmmm… I can not stand shopping. Bring someone along with? Filmmaker? She’s good with clothes but a bit bonkers and might drive me crazy. Our tastes might be different too. Ex-partner? I think she despises shopping but maybe not to the same degree as I do? Plus, I have a couple of ideas where to start. Perhaps drag someone else out along when getting desperate.
11. Mail some financial blahbbity-blah form that should have been done months and months ago. At least my taxes are done…
12. Ah, yes…clothes. Wear my scrubs a lot. I am today. They make me happy.
13. When I go see gastro man for my next appt., ask him for a pair of his as he said he would give me some since I am such a Scrubs Slut.
14. Say “Scrubs Slut” in an evil voice over and over again as it sounds like “Redrum” from ‘The Shining.’
15. Try to remember to work very hard on my Dysgraphia in preparation for any work forms that need to be filled out (note: mine is basically the “Dyslexic” form although I am not Dyslexic–I just screw it all up, get this and that bass-ackwards, it’s messy if I’m under pressure…) It’s common in people with Tourette’s, AD(H)D and those on the Autistic Spectrum.
16. Unpack work items…ugh.
17. Update resume…ugh.
18. Find some placement agencies/headhunters (now, that makes my head ache.)
19. Stop drinking (oh…just a bit…?) *PA makes unimpressed face*
20. I found some weird courses offered up in a local rag…check them out (and subsequently find they are all inappropriate?)
21. People have suggested some job prospects. Check them out, what else is on the market and then sink further into depression?
22. Email and/or call outstanding people to tell them WTF is going on.
23. Totally tweak my iTunes library as a lot of stuff stinks and some more things can be added? That’s way overdue.
24. Reinstall some software that I didn’t do right the first time. That’s way, way overdue.
25. Call P. I met from hospital as he suggested we get together last weekend. He never called me. He hasn’t been well as (well…he told me) but we always play telephone tag and when there is a long time in between, it’s usually because one of us is having some kind of hard time.
26. I found a T-shirt design contest, however, see above software install issue. I have absolutely no design skills anyway but maybe I can come up with something crap and because it’s crap, it will win. This is because a “Crap Is In” motto is behind the whole thing…in their heads…so that’s the ploy and it will sell.
27. Wash my sheets and fix my bed. Or beat my own record in my own “Nutcase Bed Poll” on my sidebar. Honestly, I think I’ve already beaten my own record.
28. Blow everything in my bank account, renounce all worldly possessions, run away to some small, foreign country and meditate atop a mountain for the rest of my life.
29. Think of things I can sell in my flat to make some money.
30. Take up my mother’s offer stay at her place, promptly buy a gun and then shoot myself before actually moving in.
31. Tell Escher to “Piss off!” as he is continually calling me. Sometimes he leaves messages and sometimes he doesn’t. When he does, he always says, “You don’t have to call me back or anything…” He drives me nuts with his Passive-aggressive bullshit. Even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. Not to mention, my life is hell right now. So is his but other people are giving me space. Just because he has this “pie in the sky, we are cosmic-meant-to-be-in-this-world-together-idea,” we are not joined at the hip. Nor are we “partners” as much as he might like us to be. I am sorry. I am gay; you are a man. /Escher rant
32. Keep taking my Valium/Diazepam.

I know. Quite a list and I’m sure it’s not all encompassing *wry grin*

Lost Spun Junkie

Okay, did it. All. This might be tomorrow’s Blog365 post by the time done. First, Black Monday. Bad…sounded bad. No. No sound bad. Sad, sad, sad. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Love, love, love place. Never, never say bad about place. Just hurt, hurt, hurt. Sorry.

Lost/Spun: I got lost on my way to gastro man. Have joked about getting lost in my own city. About how meds can make you dull and by not having car anymore. But today so messed it was BAD. Had to ask transit man how to do it after I went way, well not way but past. I looked dumb.

No. Not dumb. I looked…

Junkie: Whoa. No. So non-functional facially but at least physically? But not so verbally. Get to that. I showered. That was good. But when I got to gastro man I was completely…I don’t even know how to describe. I guess, spaced, having problems communicating verbally and no eye contact. I have had problems with loss of eye contact before when overstimulated due to anxiety so…? This always made me think I was somehow on the Aspie/HFA Spectrum but I am not. I think it may be just some other form of mentalness that comes out. However, there was a lot of self-soothing behaviour going on today as well that can be done with folks on the Spectrum. I was (typically for me) doing a lot of rocking while both sitting and standing.

So I told gastro man what was up because otherwise he would have thought it was my tummy but it kind of is as I do feel a bit sick. We both agreed that I could become sick. Definitely. So a two month follow up instead of my regular six and a call immediately if I get sick. Also he told me to call my GP immediately. Okay.

Off to pharmacy. Got as many refills since it was on the way. Done. *sigh* Getting tired. Still, junkie face. Tried to talk more and not look so stupid as I had to handle money.

Baby MacBook. They fucked up. I told them I was coming in today but they didn’t have my new machine set up to do the data dump. So I had to wait. It took a little less than two hours. So it’s here with my lovely bag that I thought it might be nice to travel with? Heh.

They told me all data…everything is safe, done. All secure. I haven’t looked and maybe will later. I told them I would call them if there was a problem as I was too tired to look at in the store.

And on transit, the packaging kept falling apart and I was falling over. Finally, someone gave me a seat.

Gee, what’s tomorrow going to be like?

And I wrote this tonight. Something else tomorrow, then.

I Have Tactile “Issues”

I just have to write about this as it happened a few minutes ago at work and was rather funny–and my “issues” are rather funny? Or the issue?

First, we have the sensory issues that really aren’t that funny. A lot of people that are mental have them–particularly those on the Autistic Spectrum. For example, probably the worst for me is having my socks stick to the bottom of my feet! Like after you take off your shoes. I can’t stand that!!!

I also don’t like having things too tight around my neck. A scarf or something? However, I have no problem wearing tight fitting clothing like leggings, tights, bodysuits etc… That kind of doesn’t make sense but whatever. Oh, tags can be a big thing for people too. Tags on the inside of clothing–sometimes a problem there.

This “issue” is a bit different.

I am a very tactile person when it comes to fabrics. On other people *laughing* Actually, I need to restrain myself from just reaching out and touching such fabrics when these people are wearing them! I am not always successful *laughing harder*

I know. May I blame this (at least in part…please…) on my ADD impulsivity traits?

This little…”issue” seems to go over a lot better if it happens with someone I know rather than a stranger. I think that may seem quite obvious? If it’s a stranger, perhaps I don’t get a swift slap across the face because I am a woman? I’m not sure.

Anyway, a colleague of mine (male) came in for his afternoon shift wearing a really neat cap. Quite stylish. He strode across the floor and I complimented him on it. Initially, I thought it was made of felt but when I got closer, it was knitted! For that kind of hat?! A really neat pattern or stitch or something, too! PA knows nothing about knitting or sewing or that sort of thing.

So what does she do? Without asking?

*stroke stroke*

One of my managers was standing there and just looked over, almost in horror. You can joke with him but when our department starts to go overboard (and we are bad) he just bolts.

My colleague looked at both our manager and I and just said: “Good dog, good dog…”

I believe it was at that point our manager did a complete: “About-Face!”

Forgive The Ongoing Rambling…I’m Still Sick…

I really had no idea how to title this so just I threw that up there. This is basically going to be a post about nothing. Or my pathetic Sunday. Or maybe just some other random whatever. Let’s see how many of you get through it…

I got up well, not early as per working standards but I could have used more sleep? Or not. I don’t know but I crashed out fairly early. I am freezing so much with the chills and feel so achy you think I’d had “Breakbone Fever.” This is the “nickname” given to Dengue. Dengue is a haemorrhagic fever. Well, I’m not bleeding out of very orifice–just one–HA! Hormones can have an influence on the immune system–well, in this manner with women. I remember years ago when I was also very, very depressed I would get sick every time I got my period. But the depression didn’t help too much either. Mental illnesses are “full body illnesses,” right? Mind-Body Connection.

So that’s one reason I’m probably sick. There are others too. I ride a virtual cesspool of public transit on the way to work. I often feel like wearing surgical gloves and a mask. The other reasons are probably Karmic. Pub bullshit and the fact that I need to go back to work full time tomorrow. As for the former, I’m still upset about Friday night. I’d kick myself in the ass if I could but my legs won’t bend far enough in a backwards direction to do so. Oh wait…another reason? There is some infection floating around. Two people have already called in sick at my workplace last week. I must be the third in the nasty virus’ gun sights.

So since I am feeling so bloody freezing, I have not bothered with my favourite little illness cocktail–orange juice mixed with gingerale (7-UP or Sprite will do as well) but tea to try and warm me up. I didn’t bother with tea yesterday as I didn’t care to think. Why care about caffeine when life really isn’t worth thinking about or concentrating on. Be as bloody ADD as you want. But today, let’s perhaps be a bit more focused even if you still feel like you’re the biggest fuck up of the millenium.

Oh, and why I like my little cocktail? Well, the vitamin C is good for you when sick (even though I don’t really think megadosing matters–probably best to just keep the fluids coming in) and the fizz feels nice for your sore throat–as long as it’s not too sore. If you had Strep, it would kill you.

Oh, and I did drag my sorry physical self down to the video store. That’s what you do when you’re sick–no, not drag yourself outside–watch DVDs. I rented five and watched three in the afternoon when I got home and last night. What were they?

Pan’s Labyrinth. Now, even though I’m a total geek, you would think I’d like the fantasy genre but I don’t. I could have read Lord of The Rings when I was about four as I always read beyond my level but I didn’t. I did try later when still a kidlet–BORING! I never even bothered with the movies. I probably should but… Someone told me Pan’s was different and that I would in fact like it. They were right. But nice ending? Lovely. That certainly made me feel better!

Gray Matters. A light comedy about Heather Graham coming out as gay. Not well scripted or well acted (well, Heather always does a good job, I think) but not a good movie. Except for gay content. That is always good but not enough gay content for gay PA in this one.

Snow Cake. I had wanted to see this for a long time. Alan Rickman–love him. Sigourney Weaver–love her. Carrie-Anne Moss–love her. Autistic Spectrum–let’s see how this works out. Not a bad movie. I’m always very curious when NTs both write about, direct and portray people on the Spectrum. A lot of HFAs and Aspies get kind of pissy about it. I don’t know what some of them might have thought of this film? I didn’t check any message boards or anything.

I have two more to watch today. The White Masai based on the true story/autobiography of Corinne Hoffman who falls in love with a Masai tribal warrior in Kenya. Also, Exterminating Angels. Now what can I say about this one? French film. A French director decides to make a film about female sexuality and all sorts of interpersonal sexual involvement ensues. Supposedly either very controversial or real crap. Well, let’s check that out and see.

My Seroquel (I’m presuming?) has given me some aid in remembering my dreams. And some of them were or have been quite amusing. Let’s see… And I think quite a few have been sexual in nature? HA! That’s pretty funny. Seeing as I have never been able to remember my dreams before…well, perhaps on rare occasion, I’m just wondering how many of them were also sexual in nature! Actually, these first two are. No wonder I can remember them?

I met Hugh Laurie. He wanted to have sex with me. Gee, how vain am I, huh? I really don’t want to have sex with men anymore but since it’s Hugh…?! I mean, he’s such a fabulous actor and so damn funny! I mean, it would certainly be a feather in my cap. Not that I’m big on conquests or anything *smirk*

Emma Thompson strolled through as well (they had a relationship waaaaaay back and are still friends.) How I met Hugh was, he was doing a small improv show and I was sitting beside him and the other actor. Emma said, “Oh good, PA is sitting with Hugh,” and then she left. The play ended and that’s when the proposition came about. I told Hugh that I’d rather sleep with Emma but she really wasn’t looking that great these days (as opposed to when she was younger-BWA-HA-HA!) I can’t remember what answer I gave him but I think it might have been a yes…

Another sex dream? Nicole Kidman. Well at least this time it was a woman? Do I even like Nicole Kidman? I guess so–she’s alright–yes, indeed. Would I have sex with her? Sure! I don’t remember much about this one except for her lying on a bed with me and just that the whole thing was very suggestive and I knew she wanted to have sex with me. Again, how vain am I?!?!

And you know, the funny thing is, I don’t give a toss about “celebrities.” I don’t have any sort of “crushes” on them or “things” for them! Someone once asked me not long ago celebrity wise: “Who do you find attractive?” I was like, I have no clue! Really, I didn’t and don’t. I guess if I thought hard about it? I mean, now, I like them perhaps more for their acting skills? Maybe I have a better time finding ones I don’t find attractive haha. But really, ultimately I don’t care.

I think I’d rather find an attractive person in real life that I might have a chance to actually meet–but even that doesn’t guarantee that I’d have a chance with them. BWA-HA-HA! (again…)

I’ve dreamt about dear Mozart. *sigh* In fact I did just this morning. It was so vivid, I could practically feel his warm, furry body curled up beside mine as I slept. I awoke feeling rather sad. There have been times when I haven’t thought about him at all and there have been others when I have. The sort of typical moments when a routine would be established–feed me please, when I go outside on the weekends with MacBook and he waited (either desperately, impatiently or patiently) for me to fix my tea, get dressed in appropriate clothing for weather and to put his harness on. And also when I come home and no excited little boy to greet me.

You know, I haven’t done a thing with any of his stuff since he died! It’s been a month and a half. I don’t know why. Probably motivation. I mean, I can’t get a lot of things done around here most of the time and… His litter and litter box still sits; as does his food–a huge bag of dry food that was just purchased. A couple of cans of wet food that can be just thrown out, I guess. He was on a special diet due to bladder stones that were caught and treated in time–Mommy knows about kitty ailments. His food bowls still sit in the kitchen, also left untouched.

What the hell? Sometimes, I walk past them and barely notice them and others, I do and I think about him. Of course there are some things I will never get rid of. It was the same with my female before him that he knew. I had them both at the same time and they shared things like toys–those I will keep. And his harness and collar.

Some people have asked me about getting a new cat. I’ve said, “No, absolutely not. Too soon.” For some reason, though, lately the thought has crossed my mind. But then it dissipates like his last breath that I never got to feel and again, I think, no…not something I should do right now.

Okay…this post sort of went from boring to sex, to amusing to sex again to depressing like that? Welcome to my life–except for the sex part. I have no idea on earth how to tag this… I guess I’ll just stick a bunch underneath since I wrote about a whole lot of garbage and this post is a total mess.

Maybe it’s time to throw up another song too…although the Placebo one will still be available wow…that one’s a real downer. I’ve been playing some really sad stuff lately. Perhaps it’s time for something a little more upbeat? Let’s see what I can dig up.

Interesting…

I wasn’t sure how to blog about this and I wasn’t sure if I was even going to but after some impulsive thoughts and actions…well it might very well be worth it.  And the impulsive thoughts and actions just weren’t tonight.  They spanned the last few days and culminated this evening.

It might not make sense but it’s my blog so whatever.

As some of you might or might not know (I have mentioned this before) I used to co-moderate a fora for all people nutzo.  Excuse me for repeating myself if you know this.

One girl/woman/whatever emailed me recently wondering if I was still around (work email address–yes, PA was very “out” on the fora–at least with the other moderators.)  Anyway, great to hear from this other person.  So, good chat and she was like, you’ve missed some heavy shit recently.  Okay…

PA went back to the fora when she was released from hospital? The people that ran the fora never turned PA away when she left.  She still has access to the “back rooms” or boards.  If you know anything about how they work, there are private areas for the moderators to discuss things.  Not anything nasty but just how the hell to deal with things when they get out of control.  Well, sometimes we would have a laugh but it was only to relieve tension because the goddamn fora was too much! It was a bunch of fucking nutters posting craziness! And all of us other nutters trying to manage it! Plus there was a chat room…great…real time craziness!

Get the picture?

And on top of that, there was the back end of trying to keep the site running (none of which I knew anything about, code, servers…whatever…thank $DEITY–yes I learned that there–we had good people to do that.)

Anyway…bloody hell…all history or histories came flying back to me recently.  I could have stayed out of it but it really tugged at my heartstrings.

Suffice it to say, I called a guy who was…well, long history who is in trouble.  He has Aspergers and I did not expect him to pick up the phone.  If you know anyone with Aspergers of HFA you will know why they may not pick up the phone.  Fuck, even I may not pick up the phone!

Anyway, he lives in the US and we chatted.  He said he was okay.  I offered to do anything I could.  I’ve got his email and I guess I’ll email him when I get back to work?

Weird how shit comes back from your past.  I’ve never spoken to this guy personally ever–just emailed him.  We’ve always gotten along, though virtually and he always said to me, I nailed Aspies and Auties spot on.  Again, I always wondered if I was on the Spectrum.  Either that or I’m just sensitive enough in combination with my neurological oddities? And add in some kind of freakish nature?

Not that Aspies and Auties are freaks.  But the adult ones tend to almost wave the “Freak Flag” with pride? Hey, I wave my own “Freak Flag” with pride too…

Anyway…just a post about my past intarweb experiences colliding with some real life contact and neurologcial freakiness–in present day.

And yes, I stuttered on the phone.  Not like Aspie boy would have cared *rolls eyes*

Anyone Know Where To Buy Some Self Esteem?

…and for all of you reading overseas, I can do the currency conversion.

I’m going slightly mad this morning. I’m sitting outside right now with kitty. What do they say? Good neighbours make good fences? Let’s change that to Bad neighbours make bad fences. Next door they have decided to build a deck and lengthen the existing fence. It will cut off the walkway that we all use so thankfully the landlord came by to strip back all the brush so we will in fact have access to our apartments from the back entrance. But with all the noise, I’ve had to get my headphones to listen to some music on my computer. But that’s still not getting rid of all the drilling and hammering (apart from the pre-existing drilling and hammering in my own head.)

Another reason I am outside is landlord is here with a plumber to fix the leak that happened over the weekend. They don’t know where it’s coming from and I will positively spaz out if they have to rip apart my ceiling. I don’t know how long they will be here and I want them to leave. Now.

But back to the topic at hand. I am feeling a bit low today. I am anxious as all hell and I am shaky like I have just been given a dose of Lithium. The bran seems to doing its “thing” again and I feel physically ill. Damn. (Edit: at time of posting feeling a bit better?)

Plumber Update: they think it’s rain related so wait for another storm. Whatever. At least my ceiling stays together. For now.

Anyway, why do I feel like such a piece of crap? I’m kind of laughing at myself as I type this. I guess that’s good. A sense of humour is always a good sign? Not long ago, if I’m not mistaken, there was a bit of a surge in response to IQ tests to take Emotional IQ tests. Now, I’ve always scored around 130 on IQ tests. That’s fairly high. It doesn’t quite make me MENSA material but that’s okay. I’m not a big fan of IQ tests. They are biased as they do not take in factors like other valuable assets of your person. Like perhaps Emotional Intelligence?

I just spent some time doing some EIQ tests online. Oh dear. I did not fair well. That doesn’t bode well for one’s self esteem? Let’s just deem all online tests stupid from this point forward, shall we? I’ve always thought that my EIQ was fairly good. Is my fractured brain impairing me? Do I no longer understand emotions, how to read people or how to “behave” appropriately in certain situations? Well, I have no immediate answers for that. Other than the fact that Bipolar and it’s kissing cousin ADD make me impulsive. My meds may make me a bit dopey and flattened–as may the depressive side of the Bipolar. Yes, true, I’ve brought Aspergers into the foray but now I’m starting to question that. However, since I’ve met D. I’m still not sure. When we talk and I get overstimulated, I am having great difficulty making eye contact. Now of course that one “problem” doesn’t automatically place me on the Spectrum but it is an ongoing trait and something that still continues with me. It does seem to improve as I feel more comfortable with a person or a situation.

I don’t really have a problem communicating about myself, I never have but I grow silent at times. She is smart and inquisitive and asks me good questions but I never seem to know what to ask her! It bothers me as she has extended the invitation but I am having great difficulty in that area of communication. I don’t know what to do about it. Please talk to me D.! Ha ha! Now that you know I’m having communication issues–goofy little girl that I am…it’s okay…I’ll try a bit harder *wink*

But really, I am a little unsure or the original assessment I have made. I need to go back and look at the literature I have at work. Or I could just do a repeater and find it all online again. I do know that Aspergers presents differently in females than it does in males, is more prevalent in the latter and the medical community is finally getting around to recognizing it in the former. As I said to someone recently, I have little understanding of myself sometimes; please do not ask me to understand the rest of the human race and how they work or what they do! That could be quite “normal” but again Aspies lack a lot of understanding and insight. Again, though, I do tend to read people well. Or at least I used to? Or I think I did? Shit. I’m probably not an Aspie. Just strange *laughing*

I think Bipolar colours things so much. Ultra bloody thin-skinned, take everything to heart, blame yourself, I screwed it all up…on and on it goes. You all know how much I’ve gone on about this before. Now I know in my rational mind I haven’t screwed things up *most* of the time. At least when I’m not spinning out of control like some wacky gyroscope lost in a black hole never to be seen nor heard from again until I somehow return back to earth. Relationships and situations with other humans are complicated and even when the encounters are brief, so many things come into play. It simply does not make sense that I am completely responsible for everything that occurs all of the time! Now of course I play a role but I am not the only one involved.

I think this post is making me sound a bit more worse off than I really am? I am nervous about returning back to work. I am nervous about starting the outpatient program. They haven’t called me back and I should call them back. I should call work. I am still ticked off about yesterday and the psychiatrist. I just don’t feel like I can get my act together. I feel like I really need a vacation from myself.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing too much as of course I always do. I need to somehow just relax and let things “just go.” Just happen. I’ve always had a problem doing this. It’s not like I have a problem forcing things. No, PA is too gentle and sensitive to do that (a sign of EIQ?) but sometimes she just gets so excited, anxious, overworked, brain in overdrive that she gets a bit of tunnel vision.

Is this post even making any sense? I think I’m just rambling. Blah, blah, blah…

“PA to the internet/blogosphere…come in, come in…do you read me..?”

I suppose everyone suffers from self esteem issues or moments when they feel unsure of things from time to time. I just get tired of it. And sometimes it crops up when you least expect it or when you are sailing smoothly along.

At the risk of or YouTubing everyone to death, I’m going to post this one. I really love this song. It sounds a little, well, depressing at first but the last line is the kicker. This song actually makes me feel better about things when I feel like I’m facing some challenges in life. And because I’m such a lyrics fan, I’m posting them as well. Michael Stipe is notorious for writing very cryptic lyrics at times and he won’t reveal what they mean but this one isn’t to difficult to interpret.

Find The River - R.E.M.

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedmeter says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don’t be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

The ocean is the river’s goal,
A need to leave the water knows
We’re closer now than light years to go

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away
Leave the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

There’s no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
We’re closer now than light years to go
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
Fall into the ocean

The river to the ocean goes,
A fortune for the undertow
None of this is going my way
There is nothing left to throw
Of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rows of hay
Strength and courage overrides

The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
All of this is coming your way

Back From My Physical

So I had to go for my annual physical with my GP this morning. As suspected I have indeed lost more weight. The total should be about 20lbs. now. I am eating. At least something. And supplementing with Ensure. Crap, I had a rather healthy portion of spaghetti last night for dinner! I skipped the salad but that’s mostly water anyway, right? I thought I’d just shovel in the carbs and the protein.

My GP was rather concerned. She asked if I am exercising. HA! Nope. For one thing, I’m too lazy and for another I’m too drained and exhausted–both mentally and physically these days. I do walk a little bit on work days for my commute? I don’t know how much that counts. I know people say that exercise is good for those of us who are psych/neuro disordered but even when I tried I never seemed to reap any benefit. Cycling mostly. As in riding a bike, not being Bipolar.

Sorry, bad joke.

We will need to follow up soon after the upper endoscopy and colonoscopy next month to find out what on earth is going on. My cluster of symptoms seem to “look” like four things. Two of them start with a “C” and two of them start with an “I.” I’m not jumping to any conclusions but I’m not ruling anything out.

But the weight loss is troubling and bizarre.

We also went over my psych evals and she was just about as peeved as I was about the last one. She couldn’t understand why psychiatirst #2 refused me ongoing treatment. I also brought up Aspergers and she didn’t bat an eyelash. We’re going to get the two evals back, review them, I suppose and she is going to try and find yet another psychiatrist for a consult as she really wants me to see someone who will agree to monitor me on a regular basis. I mean, I know I have a complex brain but I’m beginning to feel like a neurological leper. And a social one too.

During my exam, I rambled on and on about how fucked up my life has been and is of late, I told her about my recent cutting…anything else?

She asked me to come back in a month and hopefully she will have the results of *everything* and hopefully a better psychiatrist to help me out. So as far as my head goes, no med changes as of yet. She booked me in for 30 minuntes which are her types of “counselling” appointments. She wants to spend more time talking with me as I guess both my body and my life are rather chaotic.

I think I have been lucky to find a real gem. Even if I have to travel a bit of a distance to see her each time.

I Must Have Order! (Or Not…?)

Alright, I’m tired so excuse me if this post may not be so orderly.

It is born out of a comment I made on someone else’s blog about drugs and mismatched socks.

But the drugs don’t really have anything to do with it.

I need a lot of order in my life–even to the point of minute things. Like matching socks. I mean, it’s an absolute imperative. However, I can also live in organized chaos. It can seem like a bit of a paradox but it’s really not. Because it’s my chaos. To anyone else, it would look like a F2 Tornado had just gone through the room but chances are, if you give me a minute, I’ll be able to get you what you need.

This was a lot easier when I lived alone.

My partner went through a bit of a cleaning sweep (pun intended) over the weekend and moved all of the DVDs from where they were “neatly scattered” by the DVD player in the bedroom. The DVD player had been moved by me to the bedroom from the living room well over a year ago when we had friends with a son who is on the Autistic Spectrum. We let him happily watch a movie later so we could carry on with dinner. I just never bothered to move the damn thing back so there it stayed.

So anyway, I stroll back into the bedroom and immediate panic sets in. WHERE ARE THE DVDS?!?! No, I’m serious. A wave of panic actually came over me–even though it was brief. Before I started asking, I decided to start looking. I did find them. Moved to a shelf. In another room. At least I didn’t have to go digging for them like a lot of my other stuff that sometimes gets moved. And sometimes gets lost and never found.

And don’t even get me started when my partner decides to rearrange the kitchen.

Confusing the Psychiatrists

Well, I just returned from my second psych evaluation. I never blogged about the first, I don’t think? I can’t remember. Well if I did (or did not) here’s a brief review.

Of course with my “doctor anxiety” I was nervous as hell. Add to the fact that I hadn’t had a full consult in about seven or eight years. I had no idea what to expect. It went alright, however. The psychiatrist at this “institution” had a gentle demeanor and a soft voice and we actually ran over the allotted time. I felt okay with it and he allowed me to ask as many questions as I needed.

Alright, I thought, this whole evaluation thing isn’t so bad. Granted, it was difficult to pack your entire life’s woes and psychological/neurological history into such a brief time span. I didn’t cover everything in perhaps as much depth as I wanted with this man. The reason being, this consult was a “one off” and I did not expect any further appointments or follow ups with him. And again, I was nervous, unprepared and it was difficult. However, we went through Medication History, Family History/Trauma, Bipolar Disorder, Self Injurious Behaviour, Hospitalizations, ADD and a little bit about Aspergers.

After it all, he said he would “try and put something cohesive together” for my GP. I had to laugh a bit at that one.

Today was a bit different, however. I was mistaken about a lot of things. First, my appointment duration. I was told an hour, I only received 30 minutes. Also, I was under the impression I would be seeing this psychiatrist on an ongoing basis. Nope. But more on that later. Also, this man was not as…well, he certainly had a different “demeanor” than the first psychiatrist I saw.

It was a good thing I was a bit more prepared for this appointment. 30 minutes! We very briefly touched on all of the above mentioned in the first appointment. He asked some fairly simple and straightforward questions and I answered them. I gave him my prepared “dossier” and he flipped through some of the pages. Basically some self-prepared notes about ADD and Aspergers and some highlighted notes from referenced materials etc…

He asked if he could keep all of it. I told him the copies were his.

He basically told me about a counselling group (i.e group therapy) for women who are trauma survivors and how I could take advantage of that. He also told me that I would not benefit from ongoing psychiatric treatment from a psychiatrist due to my problems with functioning and other issues. I have no idea what this means. I don’t know if this is an allusion to the fact that I have Aspergers or not. He said that seeing a psychiatrist would only exacerbate my problems. He said that I already have a therapist, see a neurologist and have a GP so that is good enough. Well, then why offer me group therapy? During all of this I simply stated that people with Aspergers do not usually do well in therapy. He agreed.

I still remain confused.

I did manage to get out of him his med recommendations. He had five. Ooh, decisions, decisions! He also casually mentioned one of them, Risperdal, would be helpful with both Bipolar and Aspergers. I told him that yes, I knew this. I also had to remind him of another med that would probably be helpful. He agreed and wrote it down. I so often wonder what doctors think of me when I stroll into their offices and spout such things.

So at that point, time was pretty much up. I felt unfulfilled. I asked him what he thought of the ADD and Aspergers. He said it was hard to tell due to “other issues” and the trauma I had been through. Alright. I understand all about truama and it does not preclude neurological disorders. I also argued high comorbidity rates (and even had that reference material with me.) I asked him if he planned on reading what I had brought him. He said that yes, he would. As I was putting on my coat, I asked again, “So it wasn’t all in vain, then?” He said that no, it wasn’t.

Yes, I can be terribly blunt.

Now I understand that clinicians can not provide diagnoses on the spot and I did give him a fair amount of documentation to review but a little more feedback would have been helpful.

Shoot, I can’t stream the song I wanted for my new MP3 so you’ll just have to go with my second choice. “One In Ten Words” by The Spoons. Canadian Band and the poppy little song is from my youth…it makes me laugh about communication.

"Bound" And Less Determined

I had no idea how to title this and I am still not sure how to write this without it descending into some sort of lurid expose into Patient Anonymous’ past experiences and dalliances. That is not what this is about. But I need to put how I made an interesting self-observation into context so that will necessitate some self-revelation. And really, if you’ve been following this blog at all–nothing should surprise you anymore. We’re all adults here. If this shocks you or you find it “titillating,” get your head out of your ass.

I have worn one of these. Several times. But not in a psychiatric setting. Many years ago, I did a tour of the BDSM/fetish scene. And yes, the Bipolar was in full swing (undiagnosed, untreated.) This is no “value judgement” on “the scene” or myself if you will, it is simply the point where I was in my life.

I was introduced to all of this by a friend who was involved and asked me to go to a BDSM safe practices session put on by a local advocacy group. I found it rather amusing that she thought I might be “interested.” Sure, why not? So I attended with her and her male partner.

Interesting, indeed! Wow, they pulled out all the stops! There was so much to look at! Some items seemed as if pulled out of some kind of medieval torture chamber and others just looked kind of neat and fun! At a certain point, the session leaders asked for volunteers to put on some type of bondage gear and then share their experiences with the group later on. Oh, I was excited! Pick me! The offer for the straightjackets came up and several arms shot up in the air. I was selected. Now the cardinal rule of S&M is “Safe, Sane and Consensual.” So if at any time, anyone became uncomfortable, or agitated in their “restraints” they were to notify someone immediately and they would be taken care of.

Oh my. What a strange feeling. I had never had my body placed in such a position. At first, it was incredibly awkward but I realized that if I didn’t fight it, if I just relaxed into it… All of the sudden, something rather strange began to happen to me. I felt comforted like I couldn’t believe! I sat in that straightjacket for hours! I honestly don’t remember how long it was but it was most of the afternoon of the full day session. I didn’t want to take it off!

I later met a man who owned two straightjackets (who also coincidentally was diagnosed with MDD and ADD.) We are still friends to this day. He also designed bondage gear. We both found it incredibly calming and soothing and would occasionally get together (outside of the public scene where we did this as well) and basically tie each other up in our homes for comfort! Other elements of sensory deprivation could/would/might be employed.

When things got really, really rough for me and I couldn’t sleep, I would occasionally employ self-restraint techniques in order to somehow try and calm myself down. My friend even offered me one of his straightjackets but I never got the knack of getting in/out of one solo (Houdini, I am not.) I managed with some personal and self-styled gear.

Think this all sounds a little bizarre? Temple Grandin (along with my friend) may not agree. If you do not know her, she is Autistic and has done some work (but not limited to) The Calming Effects of Deep Touch Pressure. Now, I am not on the Autistic Spectrum and despite how many similarities I may think I have with my friends’ Autistic son, I don’t believe I would fit the diagnostic criteria. Asperger’s might be the closest I could come and even that would be a stretch. But it is interesting to see the similarities with the ADD children. And I do and always have had some other “sensory” issues. Probably not enough to again, meet the criteria for Sensory Integration Disorder but still, it makes me think!

I’ve always loved being loaded down with extra blankets on top of the duvet or I’ll even throw all my partially worn clothes on my side of the bed, just to have that “added weight.” I’ve always loved the feel of restrictive clothes (tights, leggings, bodysuits etc…–not “nylons” or “pantyhose” though–the fabric needs to be heavier!) I’ve been like this since I was a kid!

And no, you don’t need to go as far as Temple’s “Squeeze Machine” if that sort of freaks you out. It does look a little scary. A lot of Occupational Therapists advocate the use of weighted vests or blankets with kids that are Autistic, ADD, PDD or have SID. The affects of these have not really been studied (and neither has Grandin’s machine) but I did manage to find this.

Perhaps I’ve managed to trade some of it in for “chemical” restraints now? And no, I don’t want to bring up the whole debate about restraint usage in hospitals/institutions. That’s not what this post is about either.

And if any of you out there are giggling away, stop it right now. If anyone actually has any serious questions pertaining to BDSM, contact me privately and I may or may not answer them–depending upon if you cross any boundaries or if you are completely inappropriate.

Edit March 09 2007: Aspergers has now entered the picture in terms of my psychological/neurological profile. I am still awaiting “confirmation” or at least an opinion from two separate psychiatrists.