Archive for the ‘Aspie Penguin’ Category
Hi guys. I’m still here! If you think I haven’t posted anymore in the series regarding any Detox problems, I’m fine. I have been for a while. Christmas was kind of rough, though.
At the moment, I’ve been dealing with some pretty insane (pretty?) stuff with the stoopid guvmunt and how the hell, and what on earth and trying to get what I need and…it’s been unbelievable. I’m like a lobster in a trap, and my claws are already tied up for the pot! I cant use them to try and break out of wooden slats while I’m still on the boat!
So for now, thank you for all the new comments, Twitter and Blog Follows, just everything. Aspie Penguin sends his thanks too. However, he’s a bit busy trying to unwrap my claws with his flippers.
Yes, I know. I keep making posts before I get back to commenting. I wanted to do get on that but, I have a very busy day today. With all I have to do, my head is twisted around like 300 pretzels, altogether into one.
Good news? I am finally getting my hair cut!
Bad news. I’ve lost my stylist! Having a fantastic stylist is like losing a fantastic therapist!
Good news? The guy who set up shop with my long gone stylist *tries not to cry* is still in business.
Bad news. Let’s hope he or whoever I get can understand the notion of what “Bishounen” is.
Good news? I have Bishounen pics on baby MacBook.
Bad news. Well, hopefully not bad news. Don’t let me forget to bring baby MacBook with me.
Good news? Well, hopefully good news? I’m taking transit by myself and not relying on accessible.
Bad news. No injuries, please.
Good news? Well, weird news. I’m actually buying Christmas pressies for people this year!
Bad news. I’m shredding my bank account to bits.
Nothing but bad news. I still need to fix up baby MacBook with shredded dollars. I’m such an Aspie Spaz, I have NO sense of direction. That means I’m going to have to look up the transit schedule and stare at it for about an hour to make sure I can get things timed right. Hopefully?
Ugh. I’m trying to work on Twitter Follows (sort of fast?) However, poor Aspie Penguin! He’s got loads we need to work on! *keeps drinking tea and stares at clock*
POSTSCRIPT: OMG. I just “lost” my tea and had to go on a big ADD Hunt. At least it wasn’t in the fridge where the milk goes. Nah, that would be too easy. However, not as hard as putting it in the closet with my bras and underwear.
Thank you Aspie Penguin, for trying to get my words out regarding how I feel about my blog, and blogging these days (the seizure is not important.) Yet, I feel I should try and use my own words for everyone to read. It may or may not make any more sense.
But to begin with, “all of my words.” A blogger recently asked me how long my blog had been up. He said it’s been a long time. I had no clue other than the month of November. I have now checked, and for some insane reason it has been up for six years. I forgot to even mention the five years, last year. November 23. First post in 2006.
I would like to apologize to everyone for this past year and all that I have subjected you to–or at least the last half of it? It’s alright. It’s even torture for me to be subjected to it as the writer. Blech. I tried to write about other things, not be so repetitive, but I ultimately failed. Also, Happy Anniversary (late!) to Gabriel… at …saltedlithium. We started our blogs right around the same time.
That aside, let’s try and delve into my problems regarding my blog (and me.) I don’t know if “terrified” is the right word, but it may come close. My heart is racing right now and I’m feeling rather panicky. I am going to take a Valium. There is some proof? Who the hell needs to take a Valium to look at their blog!
So, let’s make some points here that may clarify some things.
1. Sticks and stones may break my bones but every name, letter in the alphabet and all numbers will all definitely hurt me.
This has to do with Twitter. I have lost a lot of people that are huge bloggers, ones I could never believe that would follow me, but they did. Now, they are gone. I have also lost people that I felt as friends. Thus, I now feel my blog is shittier than shit more than I have ever called it shit before!
Moreover, I have lost extreme closeness with friends I have gotten to know off blog. Even worse, I have lost all contact with very intimate friends I have gotten to know. Put it all together and it hurts. Yes, things change, but try telling my head that.
Perhaps that’s why they came out with all of the “Buy Yourself Twitter Followers!” garbage. For people like me who become devastated emotionally by being so attached to Social Media Apps. *shakes head and rolls eyes*
2. On the flip side of being so devastated…
Despite all the loss of people around me, I have received an overwhelming influx of new people following me on Twitter, my blog, getting all of these likes on my ridiculous posts! I cannot understand that. And since there are so many, I can’t keep up! PRESSURE! Then, there’s a vicious cycle. If I don’t get back to some Twitter Follows in a timely fashion, they drop me. *head desk 500 times*
Then, people’s comments. Oh, god. I can’t get to them fast enough either! And they’re important! I must make sure these people come back to know that I absolutely, without question, care! I am not running this blog as I used to, as I have always chosen to do so and I’m completely frozen. Do I sound completely insane here? Would most people say, “Just fuck it.”
3. Bloody Hell! Now the influx?
Before these people came marching through the door, I was SERIOUSLY (not for the nth time) considering taking my blog down. I just hadn’t decided in what way. Back up on WP of course, but just leave it sitting with comments off, erase it from the Internet completely? I didn’t know. I hadn’t enough “time” to make a decision.
4. The grass may or may not be greener.
I see all of these other bloggers who are in whatever conditions, and I feel are in rougher shape than I am. And yet they keep blogging away, lots of great posts, so many upbeat and funny material despite all they are going through. What am I doing? Nothing. Of course I have no clue what really is going on behind the keyboard, but as above, try telling my head that.
But for sake of argument, if I am right, and the person is worse off and producing excellent work, well for crissake! There’s no way I can turn myself into some mentalist Oprah Winfrey. Nor would I ever want to. *shudders* Maybe Oprah’s completely batshit, and out of her mind already. *ponders*
Does that help? And please, no pity. I am simply trying to be honest. I don’t want to sound like a victim of any sort.
Thanks,
PA
We have a bit of a situation on our hands, everyone. It is a bit complicated. It has been going for a long time and finally tonight, there has been some serious, or at least, very confusing seizure behaviour. However, since so much time has elapsed, the events of tonight may just make things more confusing for wee PA.
She is terrified of going anywhere near her blog. And yet, there is a huge conflict in her mind, as she knows she has people out there that she feels she must reach out to–as they are reaching out to her. It is her duty and responsibility. However, being terrified and then confronted with a sense of duty and responsibility does not do her well. I will not go into further details about her health, her diagnoses. Why the prior is happening. You might find it on her blog. There are no secrets here. This is just how PA operates.
She is so desperately tired of talking about her health. She is so angry about it. She wants to try and say more; more about anything. That is another reason for being so afraid to blog. Not the same things over and over. She feels that, based upon all of it, she has lost long time friends–over and over.
I am desperately trying to get her words out on her behalf, but it is so difficult. She had a seizure tonight and for years, this was a sign–excessive drooling. As far as tonight, I do not believe “excessive” is the proper word. I think “uncontrollable” would fit better. Her legs went as well. Too much overload and thus, too much fear to come near her blog, even though she wants to–despite so much conflict still.
She does sometimes show up on Twitter, but it is intermittent and she knows it is also something she feels she can’t control.
Oh, dear. I am trying so hard to make my wee PA not sound like some kind of “victim.” A victim of her health, both body and mind, or some other kind of one, well beyond pathos.
I am still trying my utmost to take care of her. That is all I do. All I am meant to do. Although tonight, the best I could do was help her keep leaning forward to let the drool from her ongoing seizures hit the restaurant floor. She was running out of tissues.
Now I must check how much milk is in the fridge for her GERD that is like a volcano right now. Plus, I should try and find her at least something gentle to try and eat.
Oh, my! I’ve got quite a mess on my flippers right now. First, there was the migraine on Tuesday, October 02, 2012. That caused wee PA to cancel her therapy appointment. Then, during her sleep on Thursday, October 04, 2012, she had a tonic-clonic seizure. I am fairly sure we have now entered the next Typical Absence Status Epilepticus phase. Not to mention, I feel with rather a big bang.
Right now, she is sitting at her table in the kitchen, staring at a heap of rubble she needs, and wants to do. At least I managed to get her out of bed, where she was hiding, and actually into the kitchen. One thing she wants to do is get to the comments on her blog. She thinks they are excellent!
I am making more tea, but we have another problem. It is a very serious problem. Wee PA has only a few Gravol pills left!
We are only just starting tea. She tried to sleep as late as possible, so we are really, and very slowly, starting our day now.
Sometimes she will improve as time moves on throughout the day. We might be able to see if there is some Gravol at the corner store.
I just looked over to where she is. Sorry everyone but I have to go now! Wee PA is just staring at her computer and stimming like crazy by rocking back and forth very fast. Obviously, she is getting overloaded physically, psychologically and emotionally. I may give her a Valium if she cannot stop or things get worse.
The last post I wrote was totally stupid! And so am I for publishing it! I deleted it.
Stupid, both in the way I wrote it, and repeating again: I might not be here for a while, or who knows?
Not to mention, WTF about the South London folks? Not a slight, my dear UK readers. NEVER! I love you all. I love everyone who comes here!
Just more proof that my brain isn’t working (so well?)
If I’m not here, then I’m not here.
It’s as simple as that.
See ya!
I completely destroyed a friendship as of today. No, I really blew it all to shit. It was like I was a kid who played with thousands of pounds of “Silly Putty.” You know, that plastic stuff, bend it, stretch it, the best was pressing it on the funnies and it would make an exact replica!
However, I played with it so much, I needed more and more and more… That led me to an adult who needed “Plastique!” Even though the term is obsolete. What they still use is plastic and soft-like. Yes?
So, I kept on and on, playing with my “Plastique” having no clue what I was doing. Until I met a certain person. We became so close and so intimately tied together. I guess you could call that a “fuse?”
And I can guess you can gather what happened. I really blew it all to shit.
I had to go to a group therapy session today–oh, boy, what fun! I was only hoping I wouldn’t fall apart and start bawling at any point through it. I spoke to my therapist as she took one look at me (she’s really good!) and was WTF?!
We spoke briefly and she asked if I would be okay to attend. I didn’t know what to say but finally thought it might be (uh, yeah) some kind of a distraction.
Now, I’m sitting and drinking beer. Writing this. Maybe Aspie Penguin might work on his huge list of people to follow on Twitter. He’ll need my help for that. I don’t know if I can be of any use to him though.
The Muse summoned me to write last night. Now my Muse? Even if she summoned me now by shaking me so violently my life was at risk, she would remain dead to me. There will be no writing now.
I have intense therapy work re: being a Womb Twin Survivor. Alright. Get really drunk and let the feelings flow while starting with the e-Book I downloaded. Because it’s not like I nearly explode into tears after a few pages. And it’s not because any of it was a problem with all of this. Or my entire life or anything. No, my twin just died. It didn’t “really” have any affect on me. No. My twin was just this little piece of tissue and so was I. Nothing was happening and nothing did happen to me when my twin was lost. WRONG!
Or maybe I’ll just sit here, listen to some music. I suspect you know what type and/or style it will be. And just keep drinking. Hey, I’m “allowed” to be my alcoholic self after losing this person. So to hell with it. Beer is part of my grief process now.
Par for the course? Why do I always fuck up so much and in such massive ways? I guess it’s just par for the course.
Indeed. Yes. Oui. Whatever.
I’m not entirely sure, but my charming states of Typical Absence Status Epilepticus, may be lasting even longer than they did in the beginning. Before I was ever treated. Before I even figured out that I had it.
Back then, it was 6-7 days. Reviewing my obsessive diligent note taking, I am now seeing a 9 day pattern. That does not bode well, as it leaves fewer days of any “wellness” in between.
That is because it’s catamenial, if any of you don’t know. That means regarding your menstrual cycle. However, it can also mean when you ovulate. The two make a charming couple, don’t you think?
I’ve written so much about this, my regular readers probably have my cycle for both memorized! Well, don’t worry about me getting pregnant, folks.
One, I’m not having sex. Two, I’m gay and don’t sleep with men.
I’m calling Non-Arsey Neuro tomorrow for an appt. I’ve (finally and painfully) gotten around to enter half of January’s information. I built a hopefully, if not remotely, understandable template. Then, I get out a highlighter for the really serious stuff. We last saw each other in mid-October.
I say “finally and painfully” as I can’t figure out if things have changed somehow else in January. I am extremely exhausted every day. I’m not kidding. To the degree where I can’t even pick up the phone to make a simple call! The word “Decompensation” keeps going around and around in my head. Maybe I’m just tired? We’re moving into the 9th month of this now. It could be both? One thing I do know is that it’s not good.
The psychiatric and psychological? The cognitive? The ongoing seizures? *rolls eyes* It’s a package deal, guys.
So, yes. I can’t remember if I’ve told you anything regarding that or who knows what! I have the memory of a goldfish?
Why do people say that? Have there ever been any peer reviewed studies to test memories of goldfishes? I think not! One practical problem, however. Who the hell could make a whack of electrodes that small!
Anyway, I may sound somewhat “Compos Mentis” but Aspie Penguin is putting most of this together. If I had more energy, I’d be so spazzy, that I would be Non Non Non Compos Compos Compos Mentis Mentis Mentis!!!
So I streamed a song on MP3 of the Moment. I was going to try to do more here, get to Twitter business, but whoa…I’m sorry kids.
“Super Cool Wagon” by Sons Of Freedom
It appears my wee PA has decided to make a couple of more appearances on her blog. She even signed on to Twitter to talk. Now she has forgotten what she said somewhere. I will need to help her sign back on to find it, but we can do that later. More importantly, I think this proves that she is not quite so clear regarding her mental faculties. Nor her physical ones, either.
So, I have come here to tell you a few things.
- No matter how long it may take her to compose anything online, even if it is merely one sentence, it stands to have a significantly high probability that her words will make little sense.
- As you may or may not know, wee PA can be ridiculously stubborn. Even to the point of believing she can get 5,000 mules to climb the Swiss Alps in one hour. Thus, she may take on too much regarding things online. This is completely unrealistic as she does not have the capability for it. See point #1.
- Today, she felt even more guilty about not responding to people online. This, after writing the first post that made her feel guilty enough. That was one week ago. After she wrote her post last night, the first thing she did after waking up was get on her blog to reply to someone! Anyone! This is an ongoing problem. No matter how slow she may think she is regarding her blogging habits with her readers, 24 hours to her can actually feel like 24 days. I will need to monitor her carefully to make sure she does not go over the edge! See point #2.
- Wee PAs mental state is a little strange at this point. One moment, she should be given the Nobel Prize for the most razor sharp insights, obtained with diamond-like vision. Due to everything that is going on, please trust me. I assure you, she is lucid when these things occur. Then, in another moment, she is not walking through an emotional minefield, she actually is the mine. Here, it may be worthwhile to see all the points above.
I think that is all I have to say. Although, there are a lot of times when she would really like to communicate with people. Unfortunately, it is still very challenging right now. She is still quite sick.
We will handle it slowly. Since this all started, everything has needed to be dealt with on a day-to-day basis. That fact has not changed.
In a little while, I think I will help her have a bath. She can in no way have a shower! We need to pay special attention to this next one, too. She lost her balance a little the last time. Luckily, there were no injuries. However, later in the day she hit her head. Being her typical, stubborn self, she refused to wait for me to help her take out the garbage. She stood up and her head landed squarely on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes I really wonder if I get paid enough to do this. Oh, but I love her. Love is all that matters in the end, correct?
Oh, how my wee PA is a disaster! She just went to pack baby MacBook and realized she had not turned it off last night!
She does still have access to an unsecured signal, since she moved into the flat she is vacating today. It has been here for the entire four years! It still hasn’t gone away, so I can make this last post for her. We will both get back to you at some point. Hopefully, as soon as possible.
However, even when she does get her Internet installed at her new place of residence, she may be in bed, non-functional for an indefinite period. I will do my best to rouse her, if that is the case.
Best to all of you,
Aspie Penguin
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Who Wants to Buy This Blog?
My blog is worth $22,581.60.
How much is your blog worth?
Whoops! You guys lost your chance at a real bargain in buying my blog!
Its value has now shot up from a measly few dollars to $22,581.60!
However, it's still on the market if anyone wants it. Just email me.
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
Dr. PA Available For Consultations:
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
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This describes some explanation because PA is a woman, and the female blogger badge was pink.
1. She cannot stand colour used for gender distinction. Therefore, this badge is to be used in protest.
2. The pink one was lacking "aesthetic" qualities.
3. Blue looks better in her side bar, anyway!
There are some more award badges down there.
I had completely forgotten who gave them to me. Bad PA.
Amazingly, I managed to figure out most. The appropriate "Thank You" hovers are there.
