Not a Good Start to My Day

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

The Devil in the Bottle Part II

PA, YOU STUPID FUCK.

Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood = ↓

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

All Over the Map!

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable.  Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested.  The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn.  Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression.  Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist.  Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.”  Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today.  WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water.  That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both.  I’m sorry.  I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat.  I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water.  I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning.  At least nothing involving hot water.  So, I swept up the floors.  Good god.  It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet.  But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic.  Sorry, mommy.  You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*

ADD Mushbrain.

So Pooped I’m Seeing Positives? Caution: Possible Insight Ahead

Well, to start off, I may be uber pooped. The regular folks who whoop it up around here might be able to guess why. What happens to PA when she gets totally wiped physically and totally stressed as well? Have you figured it out yet? If not, here’s a hint: 16 Across. A four-letter word, beginning with “S.” Still in the dark? I’m sick.

I woke up in the morning to go to Merlin #1 (and “Fix Me Up” afterward.) No chance. Sore throat, croaky voice, dizzy as all get out…ugh. Messages left. Back to bed. I had an inkling that something was coming on but I just thought I was tired.

Merlin #1 is so lovely. So sympathetic. He called back to book another appt. but the phone was in the kitchen. I woke up and got his message that was so caring. New appt. made. “Fix Me Up” wasn’t mandatory. Just me still trying to push myself. When I go there, I stay basically a full day and then come home and keep working. Hence my posts generally getting thrown onto my blog later. I still have so much to accomplish, therefore an ever growing “To Do” list. Perhaps I do need to take a day off (today) and just rest. It makes me feel shitty for doing so. I feel “lazy.”

Which sounds contrary to my post title. But this is what I wanted to write about yesterday.

A lot of the time, PA could be an acronym for “Pessimistic Asshole.” Oh, and by the way. I realised later that after my completely, reprehensible behaviour in contacting the person in my Passive-Aggressive manner? Oh, the irony. PA could serve as an acronym for Passive-Aggressive too!

So, on the way home on the tram yesterday, it started to rain. As the raindrops ran down the windows, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn’t care who saw. I was listening to a song at the time that I’ll put up after this post. Made me think…

Something tweaked in my brain. A little kernel. Something positive. Something positive?! Okay, what the hell does PA stand for now?! Preposterous Anomaly? Well, that may suit 100% of the time.

Was I so worn out that I was beginning to completely unwind emotionally? Maybe “Fix Me Up” is doing me some good? Hang on, let’s not go too far. I’m still not completely rosy about my future employment situation. I have only been going there for…what, a week or so? And this itty-bitty “revelation,” if you will, was more personal.

“Fix Me Up” is really good, though. Of course they try and motivate you but it’s not some endless Tony Little loop. Good heavens, no! Actually, it’s more like having a whole shebang of therapists at your disposal. I mean, I almost feel like disclosing the fact that I’m a total mental case at times! You can even ramble on about how cruddy you’re feeling to the receptionist!

I know. You’ve been waiting for my wee “kernel.” The thought that came into my head is that I should be more grateful for what I have. It was more than a general flash of insight as a few things came to mind. I’m not going to start making a list here, though.

I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on this blog and that is fine. That is fair. Yes, mental illness can be a “drag.” Life can be a “drag.” My current situation of being unemployed is definitely a “drag!” Oh, hell yeah! “Sing me the blues, Sistah!”

Have I taken some things, some people for granted? Yes, I believe that I have. I think it is a very easy thing to do, really. You get so caught up in life. How can you constantly “count your blessings” when there are so many things that you have to deal with in a non-stop manner? And that is just “daily” life. What about stressors or even worse, when full blown crises hit you?

I don’t want to get all cliche and spout the phraseology of not knowing the importance of things until they are lost etc… That is not what I’m talking about here–not about losing things, people. Sure, that sucks and hurts but I am speaking in a broader sense. Trying to recognise the value that things already possess in the “here and now.” Again, maybe not every hour, minute, second for can we really do that? Well, alright…think of really hardcore, disciplined, Buddhist training. Then, possible?

So, maybe the best place to begin is simply when something good does happen, say a little, quiet, “Thanks…” regarding whatever it was to yourself in your head.

Oh, and since the song won’t stay up on MP3 of the Moment forever, it was “Reap The Wild Wind” by Ultravox.

Being Over Exhausted and Completely Stressed is No Excuse For Kuntitude

Yes, “Kuntitude.” sodajerk gets credit for that one. I have to admit, I do like the term. He also came up with…what was it? “Social Retardicus?” Yes, I think that was it. We joked that it was a poke/silly turn of phrase on Spartacus.  It was.  We went even further and wondered if Spartacus had issues dealing with people and social situations.  I suppose “Social Retardicus” could fit as well for what I did last night, as I certainly lost my social graces completely!

I have apologised on my blog before. To others? Well, for offending them but definitely unintentionally if I did so. I have definitely apologised to myself countless times on this blog before!

Last night. I am not proud. I sent someone an email and it was terrible. It was the most Passive-Aggressive piece of shit. I knew it was the most awful communique I could have sent to someone the exact second I hit the “Send” button. However, you can’t recall emails after they are gone. Well, sometimes you can with certain applications but not gmail!

I apologised to the person as soon as I could this morning. Fuck. I still feel unhappy about it and myself as well, although all is resolved and fine?

PA doesn’t do Passive-Aggressive. In fact, she can’t deal with it very well at all. When someone pulls it on her…it’s just…it blows her away. Granted, PA is full of forgiveness so she will accept the behaviour. I suppose it will just wear her out when it becomes an ongoing form of interaction with someone. However, PA does not act like that.  She isn’t Passive-Aggressive at all. *sigh*

aikaterine gave PA some choice advice when she (or anyone else) screws up. This was back when PA was screwing up royal. Perhaps she still is?

The advice was to treat yourself as a child. Be gentle with yourself and take on the role of a mother and sort of say, “It’s alright. You made a mistake. It’s okay.” That’s sort of the gist of it. A way of not being so hard on yourself and being like a young and naive child, you can still grow and learn? You can be forgiven? It’s not like saying you’re a wee, infantile thing with an underdeveloped brain! It’s not like saying you are completely stupid or clueless in any way.

Sorry, aikaterine if you’re reading this and I am misquoting you; getting it all wrong. I hate to pass along “advice” and screw it all up!

So in my forgiveness that I was given by this person for being such an asinine piece of lower humanity, it made me wonder if other people are capable of doing this with people–even if they are unaware of it?

One thing I do know is this: some people are a lot more forgiving than others.

I still feel like I fucked up. However, that is me: “The Queen of Guilt.” I suppose I haven’t, nonetheless? I can not change what happened. I can not turn back the clock. Whether it be this instance or all of the other things that I have done that I wish that I had not. The thing is, the majority (if not all) of the things I would like to be able to undo are things that I have done to myself. I do not treat other people in ways such as I did last night.

I always like to say “I have no regrets.” True, you can learn from everything but I do not like to say that you can learn from hurting others. I have no regrets about hurting myself. That I can learn from and I did hurt myself over this. But it involved another person–and in a really shitty way–that I do regret and what can I possibly learn from that?

Oh well…this might give us all a wee laugh to get through the day.  I’m actually wearing a lavender top and a skirt today! I know.  The skirt…black.  And it’s not so bad to actually be wearing a skirt after all of these years.  But lavender! Holy crap! When have I ever worn lavender???

Puking and Schmoozing Last Friday

So I went to go see Merlin #1 last Friday. I puked my guts out and told him how stressed I was about all of the job “Fix Me Up” stuff and the place itself. Actually, I puked before I left for my appointment. I was outside having some tea and didn’t even get through half of my cuppa.   Then, it all came right up. I puked before I left for my appointment with him the week before as well but that was breakfast that came up. I forgot to tell him then but I mentioned it all last Friday.

I blogged before that I have what I call: Vomit Trauma. Not to toot my own horn, but it has some interesting links that state my little moniker is actually somewhat of a “recognised term.”  The post garnered a few comments and some discussion. You may wish to have a read–or not? Nonetheless, me letting it all go and barfing away is extremely rare. Or it used to be? I have noticed that I am now gagging like hell all the time when I am stressed out. That’s a real blast, as well. But now that I’m actually to the point of letting the gag reflex go and starting to heave up everything regularly when getting worked up over something?

That’s fucked. That’s stress.

As soon as I left and got on public transit, I popped a Valium/Diazepam.  No kidding?

We talked.  What is/was there to do? I told him that I was drinking more than I should as well because of the stress.  Why not admit it? It further elaborates just how messed up I am about everything.  Beyond that, how’s my sleep? Fine, I guess.  Even if it’s fitful and restless, I am getting enough to wake up and be functional enough.  Do I still have a decent supply of Valium.  Yep.

After that, I decided to push myself and go to “Fix Me Up Job Place” and familiarise myself with the surroundings a bit more and do some work there.  On the first day not knowing what to expect, I wore a business suit.  After last Friday (I wore another one) I will now definitely keep wearing them! Get ready for this!

So, sane face on, I met a few more people and wanted to personally thank one facilitator whose book I received.  I located him, shook his hand and did so.  We had a chat about how I was finding things there, my impressions and such.  Of course I said it was great, fantastic, I was loving it…all of that.  He asked how long I would be there that afternoon and mentioned they were having someone in for a meeting (someone from a corporation I later surmised.)  He jokingly asked if I would mind coming to meet the person, introduce myself and say how much I was enjoying things and my thoughts! I told him, sure.  That wouldn’t be a problem.

He was rather taken aback for a moment.  He asked if it wouldn’t be putting me on the spot.  I told him that no, it wouldn’t be at all! I am comfortable with public speaking (as long as I am familiar with the material) and certainly meeting someone and offering my opinions and/or experiences is fine.

I saw the first woman I met there and mentioned to her that I believed I was going to meet the person coming in for the session.  She just sort of looked at me strangely.

A short time later, the facilitator came by, gave me a little wave and off we all went.  There were several people from “Fix Me Up” present and I kind of got the picture that this was…something…as a few people were rushing around quite a bit before I got my little wave.

So off I go, I was introduced, everyone’s grinning, I chatted a bit and then they went off to their meeting.  I went off to finish what I was doing.  At that point, I decided to proceed further, try to start selling myself to “Fix Me Up.”  I offered myself to them if they were hiring, I spoke to another man there about a little of my past experience and he promptly asked me for my resume for future prospects.  After the meeting was over, everyone was bouncing around eating chocolates so they’re giving me some too…  I was thanked so much for what I did…

*sigh*

I’m going in for most of this week.  I feel bad as I have neglected some work that I wanted to do regarding all of my job searching business that I should have done this weekend.  However, I shall try to kick it into (a) high(er) gear tomorrow? I’m just feeling somewhat mental, still overwhelmed and scared shitless and definitely having a hard time getting my shit together (come on, PA!)

Perhaps having that experience last Friday may help with the anxiety over it as well but I am feeling uneasy (again) about going in tomorrow.  Maybe it’s because of “sexy, possibly want to sleep with me, possible job offer woman” I met over the weekend.  I should just put that one out of my mind? Although it really is just so out there and off the wall.  And also with them living on my street? Shall I bump into them? That is a definite possibility.

Some Interesting Linkage and Emailage of Late

I’ve always said it never ceases to amaze me where I show up on peoples’ blogrolls. Most of the time, I just find out by accident. Occasionally, someone may leave a comment on my blog to let me know. Less so the case, they may email me and let me know. Even less so the case, I may find out from a referral via my stats.

I am always very flattered when someone blogrolls me. I never say no! I find it most flattering that anyone reads me! 99.9% of the time, I feel this blog is tripe anyway.

I suppose I shall start with this one. I found it via my referrals. And by the way, I always try to swing by my referrals and commenters if they have a blog; take a look to see what they have to say, what they are all about. But these days especially (and even since starting Blog365) I am left with little time. That does not mean that any non-reciprocity is intended. Even with regular folks I know! Also, blogrolls can be…well, personal things. Some people blogroll everyone they can find, know etc… some are more particular. I still haven’t figured out how I decide whom to blogroll. Good grief, my blog itself is still a bloody mystery to me and I am it’s damn author!

So, this place somehow found me: it’s an AD(H)D site called ADDitude. Okay. They have a lot of blogs. And well…erm…a lot of stuff? They did not email me. It is run my a couple of folks with Degrees and some other people as well.

This place found me too and I have to admit, it was a bit of a shocker. It’s…”larger?” It’s run by a lot of M.D.’s, Therapists etc… It is mentalhelp.net.

I had to do some legal checking as in their “License” Section within their Terms of Use Policy they had some information about Third Party Content that I wanted to confirm. The first site’s Terms of Use Policy was fine. The reason for both is they do make a profit from things on their sites. However, the latter’s policy stated things in a more detailed way (and amongst other things than profit) should it affect my blog–not good.

I had expected that my blog as Third Party Content would not fall under these terms as it was an external link. I was correct.

However, the latter is, again, a lot larger and has fewer blogs. I am under the ADHD section and the Bipolar section. They also mentioned I had mature language and may not be suitable for some readers. That made me giggle a little but well, it is true. That also told me that they may have done a fair bit of checking and reading of my blog? Or perhaps not. I am trying to think of how much I use profanity. Maybe a lot? *laughing*

Since the latter emailed me, it was more formal and also because it was larger, it may indeed act more as a Corporation. I do not know. They did suggest a reciprocal link but it was up to my choosing. Indeed, this is proper protocol.

Now, I don’t link to any sort of “Self Help,” “Support” or Resource blogs/sites in my blogroll, whether they are run by a group of people who share something in common who are all there to mutually hash it out or ones run by professionals. There are too many out there. I do not feel that I am qualified to make a suitable critique or even “judgment” as to whether they will help people or not. We are all different and I think people should be able to seek out sites of this nature that will help them on their own. And certainly with the more “professionally” run sites, not being a professional I feel even less qualified to review the content. This is just my perspective on the matter.

Nonetheless, I suppose I have given some reciprocity here within my post, simply because it is relevant to the content of my post. And, indeed, I am flattered or should be due to the size of these sites? I will say I was certainly given lots of flattery from mentalhelp.net in the email they sent to me! Not to mention they were very prompt in answering my questions about the legal issues.

Also, these are not “Sploggers” which seem to be increasing in my world as well. If you are not familiar with the term, they are these bizarre “poachers” that pick up on your posts and link to them for no apparent reason–well, perhaps profit but I will get to that. Many times your post isn’t even relevant to anything else on their blog! There is no information about who runs it and if anything, they may try and pick up revenue by Google Ads but that is a very difficult thing to do. You get peanuts for your click-throughs unless you are a massive site with lots of traffic.

Fuck me. My Sploggers now are not even referring to me as “PA” or “Patient Anonymous” anymore! I’m getting called some name that may not even be a word or “Penis,” “Dick Head…” something like that so perhaps the Sploggers are becoming more sneaky in trying to obtain more “peanuts” for people searching dirty words. Which really makes no sense because if you were to Google something like “Penis” or Dick Head,” you’d get 1,000,000,000 results!

There is a way of reporting them although no one seems to care. Perhaps I should start “signing the petition” as well now?

So, continuing on with people finding me such as these larger sites and also, a woman who wrote a book that was praised by celebrities and wants me to review her blog also! Not that I am tooting my own horn, believe me. I am just saying that this is freaky. Let’s move on to the emails.

When I started this blog, I received a request from some stranger to write about a genetic link re: the Autistic Spectrum. Well, I read the material and again, I am not qualified to take a stance on this! Not to mention, nothing has been proven; this was a hypothesis based upon research but still…I simply tossed up the link and said: “Discuss.” I have my own feelings on the matter but I certainly wasn’t going to say “yay” or “nay” on what was given to me.

Not long ago, I received an email from a Book Publisher wanting me to…well, not so much “review” a book but look at as much information as I could and basically “promote” it on my blog. Erm…okay. Now how did this person find me? I was curious and asked another popular blogger if they received the same email. Nope. I wondered if it was some kind of, “find every mental case blogger and send it out!” situation. I have no clue. I still have the email. I am really not in the business of promoting things on my blog. I don’t “endorse” things. Who am I to judge?! However, I researched and it was all legitimate. I am rather afraid to do it. If I do, it may very well open the floodgates, don’t you think?

Now, what I received last night just about made me fall over in a paroxysm of sheer hilarity and uncontrollable laughter. I received an email about how wonderfully I write, my blog is great etc…

…and would I review…

…some type of a pair of glasses!!!

And also provide a link to their site.

I’m sorry. Wha…?

I won’t even proceed further to the blogger that is regularly sending me articles regarding his stance on being anti-med and anti-psychiatry. I do believe in freedom of speech to the core but I’m not going to link to him or blog about that!

I know this is long. I hope you got through it all but I just had to share it. My blogging life just seems to be getting more and more bizarre these days.

We Now Return You to Your Regular Programming of Lower Level of Insanity

Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.