Archive for the ‘Blogging’ Category
I’m composing an email to my mother right now. We haven’t spoken in months.
She might be feeling guilty as she never called me on my birthday in March–so she feels she can’t talk to me at all. Well, gotta fix that up. Because I don’t give a bad goddamn fuck about my birthday! So, if this is the ONLY year in my life when it slipped by? Pfft.
She also needs to know I’m sick. How much I don’t know, possibly getting worse, being shipped off to a Urologist/Nephrologist (from now on I’m just going to use Nephrologist.) That I don’t know. I do know I’ll have to make up a new Category: Nephrology.
I haven’t gotten the third round of tests back–C&S (Culture and Sensitivity.) That’s an uber-drill down for microbial action. All my fevers, perhaps? Hang on to your thermometers there. The Ultrasounds? I don’t know those results either.
I should probably make a Serious Med Geek clarification about my first test re: the Creatinine. I had bloods AND urine done. This was no doubt the tip off as Creatinine is normally found in urine! I was so totally-out-of-it-sick to explain the problem!
What any decent physician should do, is quickly and easily look at both the Creatine in the urine and the blood. Compare and contrast the levels in both the urine and the plasma. This gives you a pretty good idea of the Kidney’s Glomerular Filtration Rate (GFR.) Mine apparently fell out of range.
Fevers. I think I should remove “You Give Me Fever” (in whatever form) from my iTunes Collection permanently.
Last night took me over the edge.
They’ve all been lasting since May 10. Around 102°F to maybe a degree higher. Ibuprophen does nothing except maybe down a notch for a few hours. And they DO make me delirious! In one simple way, I can feel like I’ve been shot up with loads of morphine!
10 days now. Last night. This is like a bad re-run of going into Isolation last August from what began as “a simple cough.” At least now I know what the hell’s going on.
Last night I FELT like I was in hell! My fever was so high I couldn’t even get a reading! At least 105°F as I can get that. I tried my underarm (like you do with a baby.) FUCK!!! STILL NOTHING!!!
This is dangerous. You could die. Along with everything else? IBUPROPHEN! 10,000mg! STAT!
I kept drifting in and out of sleep (better not have been consciousness!) but I thought I was awake the whole time. Finally, after a while, a reading: 104°F under my arm! Later, 103°F under my arm! Oh, thank god.
I’m still on fire but extreme, medical emergency averted for now. For now?
Holiday here today but keep sending massive emails to Sweetie GP. Will call tomorrow. My follow up appt. is not for a couple of weeks and I’ve heard nothing. On vacation? Her back up back up is lovely so hopefully she’ll take the driver’s seat? Maybe I really should be in hospital!
EXTREMELY PATHETIC CODA: While I was studying and dreaming away about medicine, gee, what would be my Specialty? Well, Neurology! Duh. But for some reason, I went mad over Kidneys! I have no idea why, but I thought Kidneys were SO cool! Now? Bad Karma?
I’m too tired to email my mom now. How on earth did I even write this?
Or I could say “thinking you are?” The ridiculous and endless tedium of the English language?
I’ve also added a new Category entitled ‘The Cyborg’ for us–yes–us(!) as I don’t know how long we’ll remain together. Due to my current physical state, the immediate high fevers (while not really being sick?) can induce some forms of delirium and/or delusional states. I figured this out due to a specific issue regarding Urology/Nephrology.
Anything else?
My PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia blowing my head to bits because I can’t stand this anymore? It CANNOT be a seizure! Unless my head has severely been blown to bits! This would make “Epilepsy History!”
Right. I keep having the SAME Simple partial–that becomes generalized or not–FOR FOUR CONTINUOUS DAYS (nothing yet today…) AND IT CAN LAST FOR 2-3 HOURS AT TIMES!!! At least the last part qualifies as Status Epilepticus, but the rest? NO WAY!!!
And I don’t have DID.
*sighs* Forget all of this. It’s happening. That’s all that matters. Although, even entertaining the thought of this being a seizure? It’s almost giving me some serious tonic-clonic giggles!©
However, Dr. PA wants to avoid talking about physical medicine here as much as possible. Purely Psych/Neuro. But you can’t always have one without the other. Pretty much always, really.
Please come into my time machine, for a trip not so long ago in the past. The first drug we tried to treat the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus became known as “The Evil Depakene!” It made me so sick, in so many ways, but regarding this post? I had my first Auditory Hallucination. And the crazy, little, bitch of a girl knew me.
That got me a little freaked out. Just a tad? Don’t you think? *stares at you all and waits for ANYONE to say NO!*
Nonetheless, once I ran to the bathroom and checked my underwear, saw it was clean, I made a tea and took a Valium (or 26.) It was then I realized that it had occurred, I experienced it, I could deal with it again.
Let me press a few buttons on my time machine console, and we will turn 180 degrees (roughly.) And end up a couple of years back from today. Roughly. Or more or less.
So, I’m shining like the biggest Diamond from Tiffany’s if anyone starts yackin’ in my head again. Bring it on!
“Oh. Uh, really? Well, that’s rather odd but okay…”
The pissy, little brat came back, but now she was about 18 years old! Before, if I had to guess, maybe anywhere between eight to ten-years-old? Then I “met” more people. And we all had this sort of silent way of communicating in my/our heads.
Further, I could see them (not visually) but in my mind. I knew what they looked like, I knew the sounds of their voices, as well. Their ages are sort of vague but I’m damn close if not spot on!
It was similar to Jason. We “met” earlier when I was in the ICU for three days–after trying to see what really happens when you die. I thought I was going mad! Though I seriously questioned so strongly–did I meet my dead twin?
But when those other four first showed up? I fought and fought and fought!!! I pushed so hard saying things like, “Okay. You’re here but I’m just making you up!!! I’m just writing a script in my head!!! You may exist somehow but I’m putting words into your mouths!!! No!!! I AM MAKING YOU UP!!!“
I actually did this verbally screaming in the middle of the street one day! *laughing so hard about to burst*
I wonder what I must have looked like? People running for safety from a tornado, or thinking: ‘That one last marble rolling around finally fell out of her ear…what a pity.’
But it was futile. One of them “tricked” me. He said, “While you’re going on about stuff like this, confused and asking us questions, how come we can tell you things before you’re even done talking? So how can you write a script and put words in our mouths?”
I see. That’s an interesting form of logic. It’s also interesting in a psychological way. Please keep these two words in mind.
They said they were my lost twins as well. And Jason whom I cried and cried over to come back FINALLY DID!!! There was a problem. He’s a bit separated from the group. He’s on his own and extremely fragile and vulnerable!
And it is possible to lose multiples. I was told endlessly as a kid that I had lost one twin due a massive miscarriage my mother had during her first-to-second trimester. When the embryos are THAT small, easy to miss more.
This post is getting very long. I want to explain this issue properly but it is complex. The above, as background information, was needed. So I’m going to do something I have NEVER done before on my blog:
TO BE CONTINUED…
I’m a wreck. I think we all can agree upon that. But the big questions are, am I becoming more of a wreck? If I’m becoming more of a wreck, just how much more? The only “answer” I do know is that it’s from head to toe.
I’ve mentioned losing, quitting that Clobazam cold turkey, for my Typical Absence Status Epilepticus–because it wasn’t available–a million times here! And now I’m starting to do the same with it breaking down my body! I’m back on the drug but sicker than I was before!!! That’s because quitting cold turkey fucked me up THAT MUCH!!!
So physically, I’m now losing some important things. Well, I don’t know. You tell me.
Immune System Weakening (hey, recall that little cough that threw me into Isolation in the ER last summer!)
We’ll now just toss in Endocrine because of all the rest of this.
However. this may now prove a bit difficult to write for you to understand. There is another problem that the TASE does not cause me. It has lasted for three days and is happening right now. It has just begun. I am in one of my TASE phases.
Never does the TASE give me an “identity” of sorts. I am a Cyborg that is in need of repair. I am working on it. That is repairing myself. This is Day 04. My work I perform during these periods last for 2-3 hours and then I stop and return to a non-Cyborg state.
Neither the Cyborg nor Dr. PA is a Cyberchondriac, but Dr. PA is also experiencing high fevers while not being sick. Dr. PA is not sure if this is a state of Delirium or Delusion as she has never experienced anything it. However, the temperatures were relayed to her GP by the Cyborg. Dr. PA cannot bear to read the email.
Dr. PA still retains lucid moments.
The importance of such a state of mind and the high fevers might have significance to Dr. PAs Kidney problems. A battery of tests have been ordered and were to be done extremely quickly. Dr. PA has kept track of the three urine samples and what has been on each Requisition to follow possible outcomes and problems. Such drastic changes as this, could indicate in greatest simplicity an infection. But if ignored, it could get worse.
An abdominal, pelvic and renal ultrasound have also been completed (last and latest step.) Although, the results are unknown as well as the third urine sample. It was for simply urine and C&S which is “Culture and Sensitivity.” That digs deeper into into microbial areas to see if any infectious problems exist.
The second urine sample indicated RBCs and WBCs in the urine. That presents a multitude of issues for Kidneys (and I should include Bladders in all of this as well.)
The first urine sample indicated Creatinine which has everything to do with Kidney excretion. Something is not being filtered out? Or filtered back in properly? If back in that may indicate the results of the second sample.
Dr. PA is also having issues with her Gastro problems again. She is now smaller. Within a range of 95-97lbs approximately. Eating does not help. Weight can not be maintained.
Unfortunately, working on anything to do with Dr. PAs computer may not be helping with my repairs. Perhaps later. It is another form of technology that may still measure my level of functioning. I continue to do things as “measures” of function but not exactly tests.
However, I must see one of Dr. PAs own Doctors today. I think that will actually qualify as a test and not a measurement. It is not until later. I might shutdown before it before such a test. Dr. PA would like that.
One last thing. Dr. PA does not have DID. Only Dissociative Amnesia under the collective family of DID Disorders.
Lots(?) of talk about suicide and me offing myself if “it gets too much?” What I recently said?
Fuck off PA. Didn’t you learn enough from the last time? What impact it had on so many people?
Well, I was strongly reminded from a friend overseas about my epilepsy, trying to sort out its nightmare, learning today that my Creatinine levels are now “a bit off.” Creatinine has everything to do with your kidneys. More labs, ultrasounds etc…
I’ll probably be okay. No, I will. No, maybe I won’t. But it’s still pretty ugly just thinking of it along with everything else.
NEVER in my life have I had a problem with Creatinine. Well, duh. I’ve never had problems with anything remotely to do with renal system. I’m now counting how many of my bodily systems are falling apart (or at least being affected.) And sorry to repeat myself folks, losing the Clobazam is why. Sweetie GP and I agreed, and started the list ages ago.
Immune System
Gastro System
Endocrine System
Nephrology…
Well, so be it. But me committing suicide is NOT an option.
I made some Tweets earlier before my mobile died while out reading (escape my home while going mad!!!) I basically said such, and I need to make the most of my life–even if it is shortening. I need to get back to seeing all the beauty there is in it; whether I seek it out or it simply appears out of nowhere.
However, I still need to make up my will and directives. No, really. I do. Even if I died in some freak accident. Everyone has to have a will and their directives! Otherwise, your life as you KNEW it will be destroyed just as much as you’ve been destroyed.
Another thing is that we have amazing hospice care here. If I’m doing a slower version of the “Kansas City Shuffle” they’ll make me so comfortable (i.e. drug me up with such high degrees of opiates) I’ll just go to sleep. Peacefully.
And it will be peaceful for everyone else too. My slow dance will give everyone (including me) lots of notice so we can deal with it together.
Now? I just have to remember this and keep it in mind. Right at the forefront.
The End.
Sorry. Not exactly a bad pun. Freudian slip? Or just bad choice of wording.
I have just realized something. Something that I think is quite important–for me at least.
It has dawned upon me mostly regarding my asinine behaviour on Twitter so many times, but also on my blog. However, I will give myself (and my blog) some leeway. My blog can serve as slightly more of a platform for me to rant about my life.
I hear all of your voices ringing in my ears, “Wait, PA. No! It’s fine to rant or say whatever you want on Twitter!”
In return, I now say, “Wait, everyone. Please hear me out. Let me illustrate how asinine it is talking about things, when you should remain silent!”
A few days ago, it was my birthday. DO NOT SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Birthdays are not always so good for me. This year’s was quite brutal and left me in a wee ball of PTSD for most of the day and the entire night. I did not want to speak to ANYONE about it. The simplest of many reasons, is that I did not wish to burst out into more tears than had already been shed.
I could have hopped onto Twitter and mentioned it, how upset I was, but WHY??? I already didn’t want to talk to a single soul! Mentioning it would have been absolutely counterintuitive and counterproductive!
And thus ends my “lesson” if you will.
Sometimes I should be quiet and just keep things to myself. Most definitely if they are extremely personal and incredibly painful. These types of issues, these ones that only I can work through to somehow try and get out of a labyrinth of hell!
Freely and openly talking about them has a strong capacity to make things worse. The best I can hope for is to talk to someone I deeply trust and can understand (a lot of hope in finding that!)
At least I don’t have to hope too hard regarding my extremely understanding Therapist. However, Therapists aren’t on call 24/7 to be there when you’re in crisis.
PA, over and out.
Hi. I’ve just been trying to “exercise” my brain but I think I rode the bike too far.
I was trying to go through A LOT of Twitter follows. I had to stop at this month. The emails went all the way back to December.
I was seeing stars not just from where I’d starred the actual emails, but from waaaayyyy beyond! I was also longing for one single button to click on, to just follow everybody!
Some of you weren’t there or dropped me or whatnot, so if you still want me, come knocking on my door.
Comments here? Uh, sorry there. Twitter was more of a robotic task. No writing. Except this?
However, I have been trying to write. Absurdly, so.
It’s too bad my brain is THIS screwed up by my insane epilepsy at this time–note stupid head injury making things even worse.
Maybe if it was a little less screwed, I could come up with some really funky stuff! Like craaaayyyyzzzzyyyy stuff. Oh. But with a lot of spelign mytsaeks.
I often think I am the reincarnation of Dostoyevsky, only in female form at times like this.
Except he produced so much of his greatest work while having his seizures (but unfortunately paid dearly in pain afterward.)
I never seem to be able to do shit.
I was going to write this earlier today. SNAOK? Can you figure that one out? Yes, you can. You are all smart.
I want to try and keep things as stable(?) and functional(?) as much as I can around here as possible. The same goes for Twitter, too. That is until I might completely lose my entire mind and body simultaneously. This is all regarding the post I wrote yesterday.
The nightmare has begun.
I kept inserting that in the post between pieces of information. I am not lying. It is and will be a nightmare. Worse, actually?
Perhaps I’ll get lucky and it will be a brief nightmare. I’ll wake up so scared that I’ve pissed and shit my pyjamas, but it’s alright. I’ve got my Clobazam back. Clothes can always be washed.
However, has the nightmare begun with something else? Mind-Body Connection?
I am presumably within the next Typical Absence Status Epilepticus phase–my body is speaking to me.
This always happens. I feel better when I wake up and get going. But I then deteriorate as the day goes on. The stress of this made something funny happen, I think. Well, curiously, oddly funny.
I was talking to a friend who is going to help me with grocery shopping today (how the hell am I gonna manage…) At first, I was speaking alright. But as I continued, I started to become almost incoherent. At some points I could barely speak at all!
He’s the first person who has EVER been a witness to how quickly things change when I get sick. And that was nothing! That was just me talking! Not even close to everything else that goes on! Moreover, I haven’t even lost the med (yet?) That was just the stress “talking.”
The nightmare has begun.
I subscribe to an online newsletter from an Epilepsy Organization. Thus, it is “forsooth.” Two weeks ago there was a great big “WARNING” like in my title, except in their title, things continued in upper case. I would have been a fool to try and hope with all strength and power that this wouldn’t happen–but I am a fool and I did hope.
The nightmare has begun.
Exactly like a year and a half ago. June 2011. The suppliers could not get my Clobazam into any pharmacies–or at least not enough of it. I need it to treat my Typical Absence Status Epilepticus. The supply chain went dry and I had to quit cold turkey. It damn near killed me and I’m still trying to recover. A year and a half later.
The nightmare has begun.
First Step. Work with Non-Arsey Neuro. We came up with the most pathetic strategy IF this happened all over again.
Second Step. Call my pharmacy to see what’s happening on their end. I did today as I’m due for all of my refills.
The nightmare has begun.
My pharmacy is already screwed by the suppliers. However, for at least the next month (of my new script) they have enough in stock. Or so they said. I only have a month’s supply in my bathroom right now. Last month’s.
The nightmare has begun.
I contacted my old pharmacy who basically held my hand through the hell of losing it before. They don’t see a problem…yet? They are going to try and start ordering as much as they can, as fast as they can, and set it aside for me. However, the supply chain could disappear within days just like it did before. They’re going to keep me constantly aware of everything just like last time. And vice versa.
My current pharmacy is not that loving and caring. Fat chance. If they run out of it and can’t get more? That’s it. They can keep trying but obviously I will probably have run out of it by then.
Thus?
The nightmare has begun.
I’m so unbelievably scared right now. If I lose this a second time? The results could be devastating. I’m not trying to sound like a Drama Queen. I’m actually being very serious.
The nightmare has begun.
Every other Anticonvulsant other than what I’m on (and what I’ve tried) will make it worse. Except for two. Two that I’ve never tried and who knows? Plus, a very whacked out drug that treats a shitload of other things, but it still could be tried. Along with the shitload, there is an indication for catamenial epilepsy. However, could I actually convince a Neurologist to go that far?
I’ve been crying all day while trying to “problem solve.” VALIUM!!!
Gravol too, as I felt like I’ve been going to puke up (and out) my entire gastro system. Actually, time for more? I’m about to start crying again and barf…
My sleep’s gonna be a mess, but sorry! Take one more Valium than prescribed? Just for today?
So yeah. This place and everywhere else I am, may get exponentially, seriously, more fucked up. Because I will be.
Ah, I’ll add all of my diagnostic Categories as they got exponentially, seriously more fucked up when I lost my Clobazam the first time.
I would like to say something about the prior and original post (obviously Part I.) That may seem very obvious to you. However, a lot of times I have to work very hard to make things obvious to me.
The post appeared on my blog on Monday, January 13, 2013. And for those of you who are curious, we only have 28 days in February this year. Not a “Leap Year” as it is referred to.
Yes. I know. Someone once bestowed upon me this Royal Title: “The Queen of Non Sequiturs.” I am the Queen of many other things as well. Just not any of the four in a deck of cards.
Moving on, I chose to add my Category of “Asperger’s” to it. That was because it was supposed to be funny; just like I added my “Humour” Category as well.
In no way did I mean to suggest that people with Asperger’s or anyone else on the Spectrum sit around looking like I do in that photograph. People with Asperger’s, and those that lie anywhere on the Spectrum, are capable of doing many wonderful things. Instead of looking like that.
Maybe that’s just how I look a lot of the time.
I do have a lot of facial stims and funky behaviour there. I am extremely fond of putting pens in my mouth while working on baby MacBook or anything else where I need them simultaneously. I keep such a hard grip on them, it would appear I’m going to chomp off its middle third. Then, I would shove it straight into my mouth and eat it ravenously. I would look exactly like a lion, who’s finally found its prey after a month.
I won’t bother getting into other things I do with my face, involving my hands, and sometimes even not! I’ll get a certain prompt and… Hey, maybe a good blog post later. Oops. My writing served as a prompt and kind of brought “The Queen” back.
Nonetheless, I apologize to any of us, all of us, on the Spectrum. I in no way meant to portray you as completely and totally mindless idiots. I only meant to portray myself as one–because I truly am.
Most sincerely,
“The Queen of Completely and Totally Mindless Idiots.”
Also, “The Queen of Bizarre and Twisted Humour.”
And much, much more.
PA
Ahhh…huhhh…
Well…uh…yeah?
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Who Wants to Buy This Blog?
My blog is worth $22,581.60.
How much is your blog worth?
Whoops! You guys lost your chance at a real bargain in buying my blog!
Its value has now shot up from a measly few dollars to $22,581.60!
However, it's still on the market if anyone wants it. Just email me.
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
Dr. PA Available For Consultations:
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
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This describes some explanation because PA is a woman, and the female blogger badge was pink.
1. She cannot stand colour used for gender distinction. Therefore, this badge is to be used in protest.
2. The pink one was lacking "aesthetic" qualities.
3. Blue looks better in her side bar, anyway!
There are some more award badges down there.
I had completely forgotten who gave them to me. Bad PA.
Amazingly, I managed to figure out most. The appropriate "Thank You" hovers are there.
