More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

Important Statistical Update!

PAs Medscape Subscription Notices Unread: 121

PAs gmail Storage: 819MB (11%) of 6837MB

Nutcase Bed Poll Results Thus Far (See Right Sidebar) Total Votes - 27

• A Month Or More…Oh, Yeah! - 41% - 11 Votes
• I Have No Bloody Clue - 37% - 10 Votes
• A Few Days - 15% - 4 Votes
• One Day - 4% - 1 Vote
• A Week Or So…Yes? - 4% - 1 Vote

The first is up to me to moderate.

The second will simply follow its natural course. And it will have some influence by me in the way I handle my email (like finally tackling my Medscape Notices?)

As for the third…keep voting, kids!

More…GET IT OUT!!!

I’m giving more “linky-love” to to Gabriel… but it’s just working out that way. We’re not having a…well…we…don’t have an online “thing” going on. *PA giggles*

No, he said that perhaps Blog365 might be driving me mad. The pace of keeping up (and maybe everything else in my life?) could…maybe…I don’t know. Making me more bonkers than I already am? He suggested writing a post COMPLETELY IN BLOCK CAPS!!!

I laughed. Okay, maybe?

However, would that be a little hard on everyone’s eyes?

Well, I do have a fun post to write but I’VE BEEN SO FUCKING BUSY I HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO WRITING IT!!!

I spent HOURS RESEARCHING JUST ONE THING FOR MY JOB SEARCH (but it’s okay because I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE research) but I mentioned in a comment THAT I WAS COMPLETELY BUGGERED AS I HAD DONE NOTHING ELSE THE ENTIRE DAY AND EATEN NOTHING EXCEPT A BOWL OF CEREAL!!!

What I was was researching was having my business cards made THAT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE IF I AM TO FIND A NEW JOB!!! What I found out was that perhaps the company I was going to deal with was a bit dodgy AND THAT MADE ME TOTALLY FREAK OUT!!! Why did I freak out? I HAVE A SERIOUS BLOODY DEADLINE AS I NEED THEM BY JUNE 23 FOR A MAJOR FUNCTION–SUPREME NETWORKING OPPORTUNITY!!!

I just went with them anyway and ordered them now. However, I thought they had a three day “Rush Shipment Option.” No. APPARENTLY IT’S SEVEN WHAT THE…I THOUGHT I SAW IT ON THE WEBSITE AS THREE FUCKING DAYS THE OTHER…DAY!!! Do the math from today’s date.

So if I give them a one day grace period…I JUST MIGHT MAKE IT???

Alright, I’ll be back to maybe not shout so much later. *laughing*

Oh, wait.  PA CAN’T DO MATH TO SAVE HER LIFE!!! DO THEY MEAN SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS???

Oh, hell.

OMG…I Fell Asleep Writing My Post!

No. Really.

I don’t think I have ever done that before. Perhaps saved and shut down baby Macbook when getting dozy but shit.

If that doesn’t spell tired then I don’t know what does?

I saved the first post–hey, maybe I can use it later

I just looked at this and saw that I was still writing.

Go to bed, PA. Go to bed. *laughing*

Cognitive Distortions and Being Vague on My Blog

On my last post, Brigitte left a comment re: the Cognitive Distortions I was having/feeling and how I was being vague about the details. Let’s see what I can do about this.

As far as being vague on my blog, I responded back that I have done this before, perhaps even purposely. If not purposely, I may have just been rambling (although I didn’t mention this in the comment to her.) As far as doing it in a purposeful manner, I mentioned getting into the five W’s and the H. Now, I don’t always have to do that but I have in the past a fair bit. To do that in some situations, it would lead to revealing far too much. Even though this blog is highly personal, there are some things that will never be revealed on it.

By extension, getting into the five W’s and the H would (or could?) threaten anonymity. This also was not mentioned in the comment but I think it makes sense.

I have found my list of Cognitive Distortions from hospital so we can go through what was going on, if you wish. Interestingly enough, I tend to have a pattern. I tend to feel the same ones. Also, I think we all are well aware of the stress I am under trying to work on getting it together to try and prepare for and gain employment. No doubt that is a huge stressor and stressors like anything else can be a trigger and colour our perception(s.)

I also think logically, it not only colours the perception of the stressor itself but of other things in our lives? Everything is connected in your thought processes. It is not like you can just box everything up in little parcels and stick them away and that is that–no matter how much we wish we could.

In reading some of these verbatim, they could certainly apply to my job situation, no doubt. Others? Well, they could apply to any situation in your life.

NOTE: these are all taken from D. Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook,’ 1999©

And, these are mine, typically; also applicable to last night in varying degrees. There also may have been some “spillover” to the job stress as well, as mentioned above.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.
3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.
4. Jumping to Conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. There are two subcategories to this: Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that somebody is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out. The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.
5. Magnification/Minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other individuals imperfections.) This is also called the “binocular trick.” NOTE: I only apply this to myself, not others.
6. Catastrophizing: You attribute extreme and horrible consequences to the outcome of events. A turn down for a date means a life of utter isolation. Making a mistake at work means being fired for incompetence and never getting another job.
7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
8. “Should” Statements: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” as if you need to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct “should” statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. NOTE: I do not direct these statements toward others.

Now, I managed to tick off eight out of 11 on the list. There was one more that I didn’t add but I do it all the time. I don’t know if it is so much of a Cognitive Distortion all the time or me just being “The Queen of Guilt” and also using a lot of self deprecation on my blog. Perhaps all three. It’s basically seeing a negative event as indicative of a characteristic of yourself or taking responsibility for things that were not your doing. I don’t really do the latter.

Oh, and there is also one about Labeling and Mislabeling where you don’t describe your error but degrade yourself. Or conversely, if someone behaves in a way that you don’t like–you do it to them. Again, I don’t do that. PA doesn’t call people nasty names. She will call herself nasty names when she screws up, though.

So maybe if you want go all the way, there are two more. Nine of 11? God, I sound like a Borg. A Cognitively Distorted Borg. *PA rolls eyes* Resistance is futile to your bloody brain.

In waiting for my sleep meds to hit, beloved Tallis playing and lying in my bed…trying to think… Just what the hell, you know? I did try to slow myself the fuck down–do a wee bit of CBT on myself–and this post is getting long enough so I won’t get into the therapy aspect of it.

So, while passing the time, come, sleep come… I started to cry a bit. I just thought, ‘What are you thinking?’ No, really. With a lot of that stuff up there, it’s based upon the “unknown.” Maybe that is why I chose to use the word “illusion” before, even if it wasn’t quite right? At this point in my life, there are SO many unknowns and I feel like I simply can’t deal with having more! I know that there will always be unknowns, of course! I’m not that daft!

Alright. So, maybe I can wrap this up with a tidy little bow in case anyone else is as confused as Brigitte was. A combination of trying to cope and deal with the anxiety that lies before me with my professional life and as far as the personal? I am looking for stability and support. It has been there in the past and I wish for it to come back. I sure do need it now. Perhaps it all got muddled when I wrote it and it didn’t come out properly?

I Could Say Several Things, Pick the Most Useless

Well.  Busy day.  Sunny, warm.  Very nice.  Went outside and read (!)

Tried to work.

I feel dejected but am trying to suppress those feelings.

I am not feeling as physically sick today (so I could go outside) but I hope I don’t have a “relapse” tomorrow.

Something personal is bothering me but I am trying not to go into “Cognitive Distortion Land” as I have enough on my plate already.  And basically Cognitive Distortions are just fucked up illusions when you’re all psycho-mental, going out of your mind, insecure, stressed out or having a “fill-in-the-blank-attack.”

I don’t want to go there with this situation.

I want to believe and trust that it is okay.  It is alright and secure.  That it “was the way it was.”  And even if it blows sky fucking high, then I can deal with it.  Because it was just like the ones that happened before and even though they blew sky high, somehow I managed.

However.  This is not the time for something in my life to blow sky high on top of everything else.  Hence, not wanting to even tread near lovely “Cognitive Distortion Land.”  It’s like a massive thought process of “Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.”  And try not to let your patience unravel in the process.

So keep busy.  And not go insane in the process.

Huh…maybe that was…post wise…

…kinda not “useless?”

Sometimes, I think my entire blog is “useless.”

Good grief.

I should sleep.  Or eat.  Or watch “useless” television.

But no more reading.  You should be impressed by how much reading that little ADD, PA did.  No, really.

Laters.

So Pooped I’m Seeing Positives? Caution: Possible Insight Ahead

Well, to start off, I may be uber pooped. The regular folks who whoop it up around here might be able to guess why. What happens to PA when she gets totally wiped physically and totally stressed as well? Have you figured it out yet? If not, here’s a hint: 16 Across. A four-letter word, beginning with “S.” Still in the dark? I’m sick.

I woke up in the morning to go to Merlin #1 (and “Fix Me Up” afterward.) No chance. Sore throat, croaky voice, dizzy as all get out…ugh. Messages left. Back to bed. I had an inkling that something was coming on but I just thought I was tired.

Merlin #1 is so lovely. So sympathetic. He called back to book another appt. but the phone was in the kitchen. I woke up and got his message that was so caring. New appt. made. “Fix Me Up” wasn’t mandatory. Just me still trying to push myself. When I go there, I stay basically a full day and then come home and keep working. Hence my posts generally getting thrown onto my blog later. I still have so much to accomplish, therefore an ever growing “To Do” list. Perhaps I do need to take a day off (today) and just rest. It makes me feel shitty for doing so. I feel “lazy.”

Which sounds contrary to my post title. But this is what I wanted to write about yesterday.

A lot of the time, PA could be an acronym for “Pessimistic Asshole.” Oh, and by the way. I realised later that after my completely, reprehensible behaviour in contacting the person in my Passive-Aggressive manner? Oh, the irony. PA could serve as an acronym for Passive-Aggressive too!

So, on the way home on the tram yesterday, it started to rain. As the raindrops ran down the windows, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn’t care who saw. I was listening to a song at the time that I’ll put up after this post. Made me think…

Something tweaked in my brain. A little kernel. Something positive. Something positive?! Okay, what the hell does PA stand for now?! Preposterous Anomaly? Well, that may suit 100% of the time.

Was I so worn out that I was beginning to completely unwind emotionally? Maybe “Fix Me Up” is doing me some good? Hang on, let’s not go too far. I’m still not completely rosy about my future employment situation. I have only been going there for…what, a week or so? And this itty-bitty “revelation,” if you will, was more personal.

“Fix Me Up” is really good, though. Of course they try and motivate you but it’s not some endless Tony Little loop. Good heavens, no! Actually, it’s more like having a whole shebang of therapists at your disposal. I mean, I almost feel like disclosing the fact that I’m a total mental case at times! You can even ramble on about how cruddy you’re feeling to the receptionist!

I know. You’ve been waiting for my wee “kernel.” The thought that came into my head is that I should be more grateful for what I have. It was more than a general flash of insight as a few things came to mind. I’m not going to start making a list here, though.

I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on this blog and that is fine. That is fair. Yes, mental illness can be a “drag.” Life can be a “drag.” My current situation of being unemployed is definitely a “drag!” Oh, hell yeah! “Sing me the blues, Sistah!”

Have I taken some things, some people for granted? Yes, I believe that I have. I think it is a very easy thing to do, really. You get so caught up in life. How can you constantly “count your blessings” when there are so many things that you have to deal with in a non-stop manner? And that is just “daily” life. What about stressors or even worse, when full blown crises hit you?

I don’t want to get all cliche and spout the phraseology of not knowing the importance of things until they are lost etc… That is not what I’m talking about here–not about losing things, people. Sure, that sucks and hurts but I am speaking in a broader sense. Trying to recognise the value that things already possess in the “here and now.” Again, maybe not every hour, minute, second for can we really do that? Well, alright…think of really hardcore, disciplined, Buddhist training. Then, possible?

So, maybe the best place to begin is simply when something good does happen, say a little, quiet, “Thanks…” regarding whatever it was to yourself in your head.

Oh, and since the song won’t stay up on MP3 of the Moment forever, it was “Reap The Wild Wind” by Ultravox.

Try As I May…?

I more or less crafted the post that I wanted to make earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have it in me to write it. I am just so bloody exhausted.

Apologies to the (couple of) comments that are awaiting from my regular readers and an email that is outstanding from someone.

And definite, definite apologies to Tribalnoizes. I don’t know if you are familiar with my blog or not in terms of how I respond to commenters. I always type their names/monikers in bold font. And I usually respond in a timely fashion!

You left a great comment and again, I do want to get back to you–and I will!

Shit.

I want to write the post I had in mind but I feel like I am going to just pass out. Maybe I could post this and try and start writing the one that I really wanted to write? It might me…well, a little longish? And that always requires editing, proofing etc…

However, I need to stay up for a suitable time as my mobile is dead and I need it to wake me up. I need its alarm feature as my alarm clock is broken. I suppose I could just let it charge a little bit? How long for a full charge and how much more sleep will I lose waiting for it to go all the way?

True Confession/s?

I’m not really doing myself any favours when I come home. I’ve been getting a bit soused these days after dealing with “Fix Me Up.” Uh huh. A bit? Gimme a break. With such a high tolerance that has been built up over…hmmm…let’s say at least 15 years of self medication…well, you can imagine how a) it’s easy enough to stroll right through the door, all gilded with gold when stressed and…well, shit…b)? This is kind of funny…

No, it’s NOT. Perhaps funny in an ironic sense but for wee PA who is again, hovering somewhere between 90-100lbs./6.5 Stone let’s approximate for my UK/Irish folks? For a tiny girl, she can belt them back. That is not a good thing.

It’s not good for her bean (and all of her meds.) It’s not good for her being wee (and also her meds–specifically her Anticonvulsants) as it will make her prone to falls! Anticonvusants (generally–well, a lot of the time and especially for PA) can make you/her fucking clumsy! Add copious amounts of alcohol? Hello, face plant.

She’s actually blogged about it before. She has fallen and sustained head injuries (not serious ones.) However, one was bad enough that she had to monitor herself for a fucking concussion!

I’m sorry. What did you just write, PA? And yes, trying to monitor yourself when you live alone if you might have a concussion? No. That’s not good. The major issue is with sleeping. Basically, you might not wake up. Still, Dr. PA was “on call” and knew how to handle herself.

But if any of you out there are on your own and think you may have a concussion, GET YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

I know. I sound like I’m a hypocrite. I am not, however. I know when to go to hospital.

But I digress. Back to me getting all numb from the booze.

And so…the self medication wagon just keeps marching on. Wait. Falling on and off the wagon. I just typed that sentence without even realising the euphemism. I do make unintentional puns all the time–both verbally and in writing.

Okay, it’s almost midnight which means I “deadlined,” again. It also means I should try and get some sleep as I have Merlin #1 tomorrow and should go back to “Fix Me Up.”

I gotta check the charge on my mobile, though. Being so exhausted…I’ll need an alarm to wake me for sure.

I Still Can’t Stand Myself

Apart from my bloody Kuntitude, I am going berserk and mad as “Fix Me Up” mentioned a place where I can get free business cards.  That is a very good thing.  Especially since I believe I will be attending a rather…well VERY large, publicity…no, it’s a huge media related event.  Hey…it’s fucking on television.  I still have to check with the person who got the tix/passes but I’m sure we’re going.  We talked about it and yes…great “Networking” opportunity? So, I’m trying to get these damn business cards designed but they’re all fucked because they have a traditional “design.”

Erm…  Hi, I’m unemployed.  So…well, I need to come up with something for the “white space.”  Along with everything else that I need to do.

At least tomorrow’s session is in the afternoon? It doesn’t mean that I still can’t show up in the morning.  So I’m trying to be all wordsmithy and wordcrafty to do something to…catch peoples’ attention? But not make me sound like a total, fucking dork.

I’m out and at 6% battery.  Sorry to the lovely commenter that came in to the post from waaaay back.  I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.  I really liked your comment and yes…will definitely respond.  For sure, I have some things to say.

I just have to get this out right now as my brain is…argh…

I don’t want to keep complaining.  All I am writing about is my fucking job search bullshit.

I should link to one blogger in one of the most recent comments but another site run by M.D.s wants to link to me as a blogger!

Whee! Gee, if I could only make a living like this, eh? So far, this is number three…that I know of?

Being Over Exhausted and Completely Stressed is No Excuse For Kuntitude

Yes, “Kuntitude.” sodajerk gets credit for that one. I have to admit, I do like the term. He also came up with…what was it? “Social Retardicus?” Yes, I think that was it. We joked that it was a poke/silly turn of phrase on Spartacus.  It was.  We went even further and wondered if Spartacus had issues dealing with people and social situations.  I suppose “Social Retardicus” could fit as well for what I did last night, as I certainly lost my social graces completely!

I have apologised on my blog before. To others? Well, for offending them but definitely unintentionally if I did so. I have definitely apologised to myself countless times on this blog before!

Last night. I am not proud. I sent someone an email and it was terrible. It was the most Passive-Aggressive piece of shit. I knew it was the most awful communique I could have sent to someone the exact second I hit the “Send” button. However, you can’t recall emails after they are gone. Well, sometimes you can with certain applications but not gmail!

I apologised to the person as soon as I could this morning. Fuck. I still feel unhappy about it and myself as well, although all is resolved and fine?

PA doesn’t do Passive-Aggressive. In fact, she can’t deal with it very well at all. When someone pulls it on her…it’s just…it blows her away. Granted, PA is full of forgiveness so she will accept the behaviour. I suppose it will just wear her out when it becomes an ongoing form of interaction with someone. However, PA does not act like that.  She isn’t Passive-Aggressive at all. *sigh*

aikaterine gave PA some choice advice when she (or anyone else) screws up. This was back when PA was screwing up royal. Perhaps she still is?

The advice was to treat yourself as a child. Be gentle with yourself and take on the role of a mother and sort of say, “It’s alright. You made a mistake. It’s okay.” That’s sort of the gist of it. A way of not being so hard on yourself and being like a young and naive child, you can still grow and learn? You can be forgiven? It’s not like saying you’re a wee, infantile thing with an underdeveloped brain! It’s not like saying you are completely stupid or clueless in any way.

Sorry, aikaterine if you’re reading this and I am misquoting you; getting it all wrong. I hate to pass along “advice” and screw it all up!

So in my forgiveness that I was given by this person for being such an asinine piece of lower humanity, it made me wonder if other people are capable of doing this with people–even if they are unaware of it?

One thing I do know is this: some people are a lot more forgiving than others.

I still feel like I fucked up. However, that is me: “The Queen of Guilt.” I suppose I haven’t, nonetheless? I can not change what happened. I can not turn back the clock. Whether it be this instance or all of the other things that I have done that I wish that I had not. The thing is, the majority (if not all) of the things I would like to be able to undo are things that I have done to myself. I do not treat other people in ways such as I did last night.

I always like to say “I have no regrets.” True, you can learn from everything but I do not like to say that you can learn from hurting others. I have no regrets about hurting myself. That I can learn from and I did hurt myself over this. But it involved another person–and in a really shitty way–that I do regret and what can I possibly learn from that?

Oh well…this might give us all a wee laugh to get through the day.  I’m actually wearing a lavender top and a skirt today! I know.  The skirt…black.  And it’s not so bad to actually be wearing a skirt after all of these years.  But lavender! Holy crap! When have I ever worn lavender???