I Dare You To Keep Up With Me II–Mental Illness=Pain

Alright, I’ve just taken my Seroqeul and Imovane. And had something to eat. They say that Seroquel is better metabolized with food so I might be passed out half way through this post.

Bipolar is a bitch. She’s a cunt. A living hydra. Add in the ADD and the impulsivity just gets worse. It always has for me.

Basically, I suck. But the thing is, I have to suck in order to live. Yes, it sounds strange, demeaning but it is just me. I can not change! I have to accept who I am.

A lot of the time people think I am so “together.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Even this blog can be a foil.

I think about this blog and how coherent or dare I say, cogent it is, how I try to get “off topic” about all the head shit but really, it’s me and who I am. The “head shit” is a big part of me and I think (and still think) it should be the primary focus of this blog. I really don’t think people want to read about the mundane, hourly accounts of how I spend (or not spend) my day.

But I’ll tell you right now. Bipolar and other mental illnesses are not pretty. See my last post about self harm and punching walls! I won’t link…if you’re not finding this off the main page it’s categorized under “Cutting,” for one.

There are also suicide attempts and successes. I’m sure this is hardly an astute statement.

But what is hardly expressible, qualifiable or quantifiable is the pain. What can I say about that? It’s as individual as each person who carries the diagnosis or who fights their illness persistently.

It’s absolute anguish, though. You can not know until you have experienced it.

As far as Bipolar goes, if you are lucky, you can experience relative periods of stability and you almost forget what it feels like to be “unwell.” That is if your meds work. And maybe if you have some decent supports around you that you can rely upon?

And there are so many “classifications” of Bipolar in the DSM-IV (of which I am not a fan) and the ICD-10 (which does give a bit more latittude.) But Bipolar manifests itself in so many ways and changes with triggers and over time. Again a hydra with the possibly of even growing more heads.

I only know intimately the struggles with my own illnesses of Bipolar, ADD, and to a lesser extent Seizures and Migraines (the latter aren’t too bad.) But I’ve met and spoken to many people with severe OCD, MDD, Aspergers, HFA, NVLD, PDD-NOS (okay, let’s just do the whole Spectrum…) PTSD, BPD, Tourettes…what else…?

Bottom line? We’re all in unbelievable pain.

Identities, Mirror Neurons, BPD and Buddhism

Anyway, I’m trying to make sense of my head, my “self” and I probably just shouldn’t. I probably just can’t. I’m slipping back to a “place,” history is repeating (as it so often does in my life,) I am depressed (again,) I am feeling lost and without an “identity” (again) and am just…well, lying in bed trying to get out of it and not moving. I probably need some tea as this post isn’t even going to make any sense but I can’t even get motivated for tea! Now that tells you something.

Alright…I’ve had my tea, I’ve gotten dressed, taken kitty outside and it’s finally getting warmer and the sun is out.

I’ve been doing some reading, both on the internet and in some books. I’m searching desperately for some “answers.”

Identity: I’ve been looking been looking at some Social Psychology and the concept of personality and the self and behaviour and more specifically, ME and why–if I do this–mirror other peoples’ traits, characteristics and emotions. Do I lack a defined sense of self-concept? I have been like this my entire life. But I question it more when my life is thrown into chaos and my moods become dysregulated. But if I take stock, it’s an eternal question. I know I am intelligent, I have well-informed views/opinions about many things but when it comes to interpersonal relationships and dealings with others, it seems that things always break down. I seem to almost assimilate myself with others at times. Lack of self-esteem could have something to do with it? I can’t seem to find any answers.

Mirror Neurons: I decided then to appeal to science. You can read a little bit about Mirror Neurons here. Again, something interesting but yet somewhat hypothetical and still unproven? Maybe I have overactive Mirror Neurons and they seem too do well a job?

BPD: When I first began my “psychiatric career” one psychiatrist brought up the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now being the diligent little researcher I am, I went straight to work and read as much as I could about it. I read personal accounts, all sorts of literature. Both the psychiatrist and I agreed that I did not fit the criteria. But here are a couple of things that well, these days are making me rethink things. You can have a look at this and this.

Now in looking at the DSM-IV criteria in the first link, 1-7 are fitting, or have fit. 8 and 9, not so much. Well, maybe a little bit of paranoia but it has been situationally related and not too severe. But these things have been somewhat transient and what has predominantly been the first order of concern has been my Bipolar symptoms that can also overlap. Granted, comorbidity can exist?

Oh dear…the second link. The “History” section is rather…well, more of it rings true and the “Causes?” Welcome to my family. Interestingly enough, they have also linked it with ADD. Oh, now my brain is starting to hurt. What on earth is wrong with me?!

I have a book on BPD. Perhaps I should go and grab that too and try and read that as well. I don’t know if it will help.

Buddism: So I’ve been trying to also get back to my Buddhism to see if that will help me. Maybe some good old spiritual “Enlightenment” will help me get on track and help me “soothe” myself as apparently those with BPD have a hard time doing this? Am I too attached to things? Do I need to just let go and exist in the moment? Will that bring me some peace? *sigh*

Years ago, I became very interested in Buddhism and it seemed to help. I even became a vegetarian for a while! I would look at my cat and think–oh my precious (and all other living things!) I couldn’t bear it if someone ate you! I would also be so careful when walking, lest I stepped on an ant or any other “living” insect. I would meditate anywhere I could but soon, I stumbled off the path and just quit.

I am still struggling with Buddhism too.