OMG Sleep!

I have been a bad, bad girl! I should be in bed…well, I am on bed but I should be sleeping!

I have been staying up way too late these days. So, post in mind for tonight…tomorrow?

For now, I should just turn the damn computer off, try and turn my mind off *laughing* and yes, go to sleep.

I have been terribly neglectful of all things I should be doing so I promise I will make a concerted effort tomorrow. Is that a promise to you guys or to me? Both?

Ah, feck it.

Nighty nighty. *sigh*

*PA rolls eyes*

Not a Good Start to My Day

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

The Devil in the Bottle Part II

PA, YOU STUPID FUCK.

Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood = ↓

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

It’s the Devil in the Bottle

…that’s all I’m gonna say..

I thought I’d better toss this up now as at least I’m awake.  WTF time did I go to bed last night? I sent someone an email at around 0400hrs and then had something to eat and watched some television.  Good, lord.

So apologies.  I’ll try to get back to your comments today but I don’t know where the hell I may end up between now and midnight (don’t worry, I’m staying home…)  I’m too exhausted to move anyway.  I’m serious.  My entire body is aching, my throat is sore, my head is all stuffy.  So, I’m sorry if you don’t hear from me other than this.  I’m not ignoring you.

I couldn’t make my appointment at “Fix Me Up.”  Now for that, I am truly sorry.  I’m kind of wondering if it even mattered (matters?) that much as everything’s getting all screwy there.  People are taking summer time off and I’m sort of left scratching my head.  Where do I stand? Am I “ready?” Huh…?  I did at least send in my information via email.  My coach said she’d try and get back to me.  You see? I don’t know what’s going on.

I was thinking about going in tomorrow after Merlin #1 but if there’s no one to really speak to or ask questions…  I can’t even think about anything right now.

I can’t deal with this stress bullshit anymore. *PA rolls eyes*

Fucking drinking. *PA rolls eyes again*

I want to kick my genes in the ass (haha…get it?) I know, not funny.  There’s a boatload of alcoholism on my maternal side (like my head lunacy wasn’t enough already?) I don’t know about my bio dad but probably not being a poor man whose family was totally poor as he supported them in Pakistan.  I’ve never met him as I was conceived there and born in Canada.

Anyway, not that I lay all the “blame” on genetic material.  I am responsible for what I do.  I just think it makes it all the damn harder for me to stop once I start.  Nothing has been proven about that rather pointed fact but the theory is definitely out there.  And you certainly can’t dismiss the notion entirely of a genetic component for alcoholism.

Another Useless Day

Oh, dear. This is shameful. I have been completely ineffective today. In fact, I am so ineffective all you are getting is a YouTube. There isn’t even a point to me writing out my “oh-so-tiny” list of things that I actually did do today.

I’ve really got to get at it tomorrow. ARGH!

I thought the footage used for this was just excellent for the song.

Work Hard by Depeche Mode

Saying Goodbye and Simultaneously Networking

I was extended an invitation to a function held by my ex-employer today.  I know, it sounds strange but the details are of minimal importance, if of any at all.  I didn’t know if I should go.  I finally decided that it would be first, a good opportunity to say goodbye to some folks that might be there (that I never got around to doing) and second, a chance to: “Network.”  I am beginning to loathe that word.  Still, the people there know me so even if I sounded like a blithering idiot (not an uncommon experience) it would probably be alright?

Confession? When I woke up this morning, I cried.  Who would I see? All the lovely and beautiful people that I met over my years there.  I was right fucked.  I had a feeling I would cry.  I mean, all of the “Networking” was going to bad enough but…the people that I had so much fun with, I had grown to love.  It sounds funny.  Do you love the people you work with? Well, maybe on some level you do.

Guess what? It was a two-Valium/Diazepam day.  No doubt.

I made it though.  It wasn’t a long function.  And the room cleared fairly quickly.  PA worked the room as quickly as she could.  There was alcohol (and non-alcoholic beverages) but she needed her hands free to shake others’ hands and reach for her cards.  And yes, arms free too for lots of huggies and kissies for wee, PA.

I told you.  The place was and is great.  Now you may understand my tears from this morning? If I may say so, PA was pretty well respected.  In fact, another peer (a lovely, lovely woman–who volunteered to toss contacts her way whenever she could!) asked her/suggested…rather emotional day? I admitted that, yes, I did cry in the morning.

So, who knows? I mean, one guy–after it all went down and I told him–he’s my age, a manager, offered to be a personal reference! Right off the bat.  PA gobsmacked.  I gave him my card tonight when I saw him again.  Another guy I saw tonight said he’s going on vacation but when he gets back, we’ll go for lunch and speak further.

The woman who I told that I cried? She is very well connected.  Auto-Network-Connect.  I didn’t even have to ask.  Ditto another “Super Woman” in the Marketing Department.

Some? Fuck, me.  Again, they know me but did I stretch too far? I have legitimate relationships with “the Big Guns” so I went after them too.  Good grief.  Well, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I’ve lost it all already, right?

Just Need to Vent

I could skip writing this post for today as I tossed up the last one after midnight so that’s my daily quota for Blog365. But bugger me all to hell I am so bloody ticked off! We still have no hot water. It’s been two days now. It’s got me so riled up I can not concentrate on anything else. I finally broke down and washed my dishes in the ice cold (and scrubbed them really hard!)

I heard from the upstairs tenant earlier today (after she had called our landlord.) I had called them again with no response. She received an email and found out that they are in the U.S. for a wedding. As a result, we were to call the electrician who was there on Wednesday who possibly(?) “forgot” or “accidentally” didn’t turn the hot water back on after doing his work?

Oh, come on! She said she’d get back to me. I have heard nothing. Maybe she will talk to me when she gets back from work. Maybe she knows nothing? Does she know when they are coming back from the U.S.?

The work was done in another tenant’s flat and I haven’t seen him for a few days. Has he gone away? Well, that’s a wee conundrum, isn’t it? For how shall incompetent electrician gain access if incompetent landlord is not here with a set of keys?

Again, my water problem is consuming me.

*PA pads off to take a Valium*

Which she should have done a while ago.

I can’t concentrate on anything else. I don’t understand why this is. Is it some kind of bizarre “reverse hyperfocus” of ADD? No, PA gets hyperfocused on things she finds enjoyable and interesting. This is more like some kind of anxious obsession! Waiting…waiting…waiting… And as the time passes the worse it gets!

So, indeed, I have decided to make yesterday and today my “weekend.” I have accomplished virtually nothing re: my job work. I must get on the ball and right back into to it tomorrow and on Sunday. And on…Monday…and on…

I’m still so unmotivated and just…blah that really, all I want to do is lie in bed and completely zone out.

Or perhaps ponder how long of a prison sentence I would get for homicide? Slaying my landlord? Or some idiot electrician? Maybe both? I am completely bonkers so I could probably swing my time in a cushy mental institution.

Hey, it sure would eliminate the stress of trying to find a job.

Hang on. I just lost power for a second. Hold up. Someone’s knocking at my door.

Okay, my sentence has just been reduced to a single homicide, not a double.

We have hot water! W00t! The electrician came and fixed us all up in a couple of minutes. As it turned out, he wasn’t incompetent; our breaker panel was. Now all we have to do is wait a bit for everything to heat up and let’s hope we all don’t jump into the shower at the same time as we’ll drain the supply and end up freezing to death anyway. *PA rolls eyes*

EDIT: What’s up with my Valium? Why do I all of the sudden feel way more relaxed than I normally do when I take it? Maybe the combination of it and the fact that I now have hot water has put me so at ease, I’m kinda floatin’ on a cloud baby… That’s all good though. I’ve had too much stress going on anyway lately.

All Over the Map!

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable.  Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested.  The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn.  Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression.  Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist.  Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.”  Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today.  WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water.  That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both.  I’m sorry.  I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat.  I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water.  I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning.  At least nothing involving hot water.  So, I swept up the floors.  Good god.  It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet.  But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic.  Sorry, mommy.  You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*

ADD Mushbrain.

Okay, It’s Time to Slow Down…

I’m sitting in the lobby of the building where “Fix Me Up” is. I can get a better wifi signal in the cafe here. I can barely move. I find it “rude” to sit in public places like this here and work away so I am drinking a Diet Coke.

I was so screwed up and out of my head this morning, I completely forgot to take my meds! Not that I haven’t done this before. Perhaps it really doesn’t exemplify anything. Regardless… I am getting way…well? Beyond my limits? Approaching them? Have I actually gone past them?

I’m so bloody out of it, I can’t even tell.

I normally stay after session and do more work here but I think I should just go home. No. No, thinking required? That’s almost laughable as my thinking is…? Well, I pulled out all resources for the morning session. And I’m writing this post? Some thinking still going on?

I need to just go home. And probably stay off the computer. And not look at any of my documents, notes, reference materials, “To Do” Lists…

I wish I lived closer to “Fix Me Up” as then I could just pour myself into a taxi and be done with my day? Well, I still could but a fair bit of money? *PA hunches over table dreading commute home*

Not to mention, I received a message last night that my Ding-Dong Landlord said he might need access to my flat today for maintenance. So much for the legal requirement of 24 hours notice. I called his wife back and said due to my circumstances and how crazy things have been, my flat is a wreck! I apologised in advance and said how embarrassed I was!

Supposedly it’s for the hot water tank and that’s in/near (whatever…) another tenant’s flat so he may not have to enter mine. Hopefully they’ll all be gone when I get home. I think I just need to crash.

Postscript: Oh, great. Now, it’s pissing down rain (was super, sunny this morning.) PA waits it all out or goes home and gets soaked with no brolly. Or. Takes.the taxi.