The Devil in the Bottle Part II

PA, YOU STUPID FUCK.

Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood = ↓

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

Sorry, What Was That? Huh? Okay, That Last YouTube and the “Woman” Post I Was on the Fence About

Sorry for the title of that last post, everyone. A bit cryptic about the lyrics of the song? It probably doesn’t even make sense.

Isn’t a bitch when life turns around and bites you in the ass? Well, not really turns around and bites your ass but maybe nips at your heels a bit?

So I just put up that song because I’ve been thinking to myself a little of some “reminiscences.” As such, I have come to the Grand Conclusion that:

“Women: can’t live with ‘em; can’t live without ‘em.”

Maybe Bill would agree with his song?

This might sound a bit of an odd statement for PA to make as she is, in fact, a woman but for at least the first portion…well, believe me, there are many a day when I can not live with myself!

So the first portion of this post title? It’s kind of like the majority of all of my relationships with women–sort of a “Who’s on First, What’s on Second…?” deal. Bill’s lyrics? Leave the young thing alone? That could/would/should be me? Except not so “young” anymore? “You, know, you know….leave it alone PA!” You’re fucking older and wiser!

Sure.

Shall I dare continue? This is leading me in the direction of a post that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. I don’t know about any other bloggers out there but when PA gets tired (and she is very tired today) her blogging becomes more open and vulnerable. She may toss up some things that she may not normally write about?

Alright. However, bear in mind that I am tired so this may not be written as well as it could have been at another time.

There are two types of women that PA is attracted to. And also, traits and characteristics are not mutually exclusive here.

The first is the type of woman that seems to possess many accomplishments that PA wishes she had achieved. All of the types of things that PA felt that she might have been able to do with her life? Things that she may have been capable of? Also, this type of woman can usually do things that PA can not do. They usually possess some kind of talent. PA has no special talent or ability in any field. PA does not wish to say that she places this type of woman on a pedestal like an idol but…well, PA can be prone to extremes.

Still, this type of woman almost seems to be so…powerful in the way they “have it all together!” Maybe in the way that they “have it all?” We all know not to judge a book by its cover, the grass is always greener, all of that stuff but these women are just so not like PA. They are usually ultra-professionals, they can juggle a million balls in the air at the same time, they are brilliant and successful. These women are also (generally) not mentally ill.

Then there are the crazies. Now, the nutcases can also be professional, successful, brilliant, talented…all of that. We know that mental illness does not discriminate. However, with the loonies, PA becomes the rescuer. She wants to save them and help them so much!

Now, with the first type of woman, is PA looking to be “rescued?” Bloody hell, get me away from Freud! Or maybe it’s just my childhood (that I had to take care of my mommy so there was no mommy for me?) Dammit! That’s early Freud with repressed thoughts and feelings!!! Nail banged squarely on PAs head re: both types of women???

A scary thought for any women out there wishing to date PA, perhaps.

So, back to the head case women, like PA. There’s an automatic bond there. A mutual understanding right from the get go. That can be very significant. It can also be and/or become really fucked. Because when you get two lunatics together in a relationship, it can turn into a veritable powder keg of emotional psychosis. Trust me. Been there, done that…self harmed over it.

Gabriel… over at …salted lithium wrote a post about Relationships: Crazy+Crazy=Insanity=Relationship Death(?) (my wording.)  This was a while back but I can’t remember the exact post, where and when it was written so here’s a link to the site in general.

It was a discussion of sorts as to whether it was possible that these relationships would work. Could they survive? My comment was that, again, from past experience rather difficult? Maybe they would not survive? However, I would not rule out the chance if I really fell for a woman who was mentally ill.

My post is more personal, however.

Oh, and before I proceed, physical attractiveness is an imperative for both of these types of women. Sorry, that may sound shallow but let’s be truthful here.

So based upon the two types of women that intoxicate (toxicate?) me so much, I often question whether or not I will have a successful relationship or a partner ever again in my life. I feel on the one hand, with the uber-successful, “Wonder Woman” type, I will not measure up. They will be looking for a woman of the same calibre. With another crazy (who may be similarly uber-successful) it may be the same thing.  She may be looking for another “Wonder Woman” but even if she did want to be with me, would it turn into “Mentalness Circus Maximus?” And I’m not simply speaking of the chariot racing done in ancient Rome!

The only relationships that I’ve ever had that have lasted for any recognisable duration have been with the…I don’t know…”in-betweeners?” They haven’t really been mental, they haven’t been uber-successful, they haven’t had any special abilities or talents…I haven’t been physically attracted to them. The only one good thing is that at least they put up with me being a total nutbar and that does take a special person. When someone is prone to Bipolar flip outs and roller coaster rides, ADD spasticness, self harm, self medication…gee, what the hell else am I capable of? I guess my seizures and migraines aren’t such a big deal. They are pretty much under control anyway and don’t make me go off the deep end. Okay, lately there’s been a bit of bizarre increase in moodiness with my migraines but that is neither here, nor there. I am not involved with anyone at the moment, right?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. No, really. I have. It’s been an ongoing pattern in my life–such strong attractions to women that are either terribly unattainable or terribly not good for me and cause me so much strife and pain. The former women leave me heartbroken and the latter women just end up being very unhealthy for me.  Well, in the end they both cause me pain? But still…both are so potent and I can’t help it. I can’t just say, “No! Don’t be attracted!”

I understand we can’t help being attracted to whomever that may just saunter past. Those that may cross our paths, enter our lives but shit, you know? Again, you would think I would have learned something from all of this! Some way to hold back? Some way to put on the brakes and indeed, say, “No!”

The only thing I can say, ‘no’ to is the fact that I can’t say, “No!”

Merlin #1 Tomorrow

I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?

I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.

I am still hesitant.

I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!

The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.

However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.

But the other cuttings? *sigh*

The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?

And I know, I know…

I hear you all: “PA STOP DRINKING! STOP DRINKING!”

Yes. I know.

I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.

Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!

As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?

Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.

Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!

Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.

But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.

As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?

And I still hear you…

I told you CheddER come and get me…

Now It’s Time…

I remember in a comment to sodajerk, I said that I would know(?) when it was time to make a move? A move?

I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a chess match, staring at the board, completely not knowing my next “move.” The little clock beside me with my button is still ticking. In fact, my opponent has long left the table…what…an hour ago? I think I’m just about ready to leave the table too! Forget it. One more move and then I am leaving the table. I lift a lowly pawn and move it just one step ahead to another tiny square. That’s me. The pawn. I get up and walk away.

Funny. I can’t even remember how to play chess now. Non-bio dad taught PA how to play when she was very young. When she was about 11 or 12, she had two other boys in her class and instead of playing with the other kids during “recess” or short breaks from class, PA and her other two male cohorts would climb atop this wooden…well, climby thing and PA would pull out this chess set non-bio dad had given her and she would play with them.

Yes. PA was born a geek. I should try and learn to play again?

This is not like when I was in hospital a little over a year ago. Then, I had my job and I could take all the time I needed in order to get well. Now, I can’t afford to take my time. Everything…everything is time sensitive.

“Time sensitive.” Don’t you love that expression? And all the rest of “Business Speak” or “Corporate Lingo” or whatever the hell you call it? Oh, some of it makes me laugh so hard. But, “Time Sensitive…” Isn’t everything in the world sensitive?! But things are really “Time Sensitive” for PA right now!

It’s been a little over a month, so has the mourning period passed? Perhaps. Or at least the worst of it.

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. That last post I put up…a weekend blowout? Well, it was. I got piss-faced wasted Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. Yes, all three. A full-on, weekend bender. And then, there have been two cuttings since all of this went down. Okay. The fucking mourning period IS OVER. Even if I am sitting here writing this up in a pub having a pint or two. But it’s a celebratory? Because I’m moving on?

I also spent all of today thinking of what I am going to do. Several things. As simultaneously as I can. I am still scared completely out of my wits and I know that will not change throughout this entire process but that does not mean that I can continue to sit and rot away in my flat living in that fear. The fear will not go away no matter what I do and I have to DO what I have to DO. The longer I put things off (and I am the worst procrastinator on the planet) things will not change. And this is something that I really can not afford to let sit–for too long–or too much longer.

I had to make a very important phone call today. Something to get the ball rolling although I have no idea where the hell the ball is going to go. If I’m going to kick it out into the middle of the street and it will get run over by a car? If I’ll pump it up with air but it will hit a nail and totally deflate? Then, maybe I’ll buy a new ball and it will have a hole in it and deflate too?

I’m seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow so I’m quite sure that will help. Maybe he can “inflate” me so I won’t have to worry about “my balls” *PA laughs* Or even all of my plates spinning in the air.

I emailed a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while and he called me back so we talked. He lives in a bit of a posh area and it’s funny as they have a second hand store nearby. Due to that fact, all the “richies” drop off the clothes they get sick of after two weeks and you can find some awesome stuff there!

I don’t know if they’re even in business anymore but years ago, I got this immaculate Ports International, charcoal gray, double breasted jacket for…what? $6CDN?!?! I mean, come on! So, we’re going to get together and go “shopping!” There’s also another decent second hand place near me. My neighbourhood isn’t exactly “posh” but certainly quite decent.

I went out today and bought a whole whack of garbage bags to clean my closet of shit that doesn’t fit me anymore. I’ll only hang on to the schmatte that I love dearly.

Oh, yes. I also stopped by to visit my hair stylist. We had a little chat about just what we could do. I am always so hesitant to try something new! When I do…it just doesn’t turn out! He didn’t have any customers at the time so we discussed his thoughts about my face, my glasses (even though I could still revert back to contacts but I didn’t bother mentioning this.) I also told him I look terrible with bangs so they were automatically out! He agreed…no…no bangs…wouldn’t suit.

He suggested something but I am so terrible visually. I’ll have to get him to explain again but I trust him. I’ll have to? Well, I guess I don’t have to. We could just do the same thing as I’ve always done but no, I really want something different.

And no. We’re not getting rid of my gray. I’m sticking to my guns, my credo, ever since it started coming in in my middle to late 20s. My appointment is on Thursday afternoon *laughing*

So, considering this is all about time, I will leave you with some John Milton. I hope this isn’t too long and hasn’t been for you to read but this poem I feel is perfect for this post.

On Time by John Milton

Fly envious Time, till thou run out thy race,
Call on the lazy leaden-stepping hours,
Whose speed is but the heavy Plummet’s pace;
And glut thy self with what thy womb devours,
Which is no more than what is false and vain,
And merely mortal dross;
So little is our loss,
So little is thy gain.
For when as each thing bad thou hast entomb’d,
And last of all, thy greedy self consum’d,
Then long Eternity shall greet our bliss
With an individual kiss;
And Joy shall overtake us as a flood,
When every thing that is sincerely good
And perfectly divine,
With Truth, and Peace, and Love shall ever shine
About the supreme Throne
Of him, t’whose happy-making sight alone,
When once our heav’nly-guided soul shall climb,
Then all this Earthy grossness quit,
Attir’d with Stars, we shall for ever sit,
Triumphing over Death, and Chance, and thee O Time.

Non-Productivity And Jolly Good, Another Cutting!

You know, this weekend was supposed to be some time for me to try and get my shit together. Get moving. Not so much. I think it would be lovely to say that my meds aren’t working but meds are not a/the magic bullet/s. No, this is all about me. Isn’t it great to speak about yourself in such a grandiose and egotistical manner? How unfortunate that it is under such negative circumstances…

I am so exhausted that I can barely write this post. Which again necessitates that I will need to return to everyone’s comments later. I apologise for they were all good…no, great. They always are.

Things need to stop here. The cuttings, indeed, no matter how hard that may be but they are not helping the situation. Alcohol consumption–no brainer? At least not to excess, as we always say, when it is so bad for us (especially in excess?)

Ah, the cuttings…the coping mechanisms…grab an ice cube and squeeze it, start snapping yourself hard with an elastic band, count to 10 or 10,000 if you have to, find any kind of diversion… This is tremendously difficult. And of course my cutting/s was/were not severe. Not bad enough to need medical attention. Although for the life of me I can not find any kind of decent tape that will affix itself properly to my skin! That being said, perhaps I should not buy any more? No more cuttings? Still, every responsible cutter is always “prepared,” as morbid as that sounds.

P. who I met in hospital called today. We were supposed to go out last weekend but he flaked as I never heard from him. Silence=unwellness. Then, we were supposed to go out today. He never called again yesterday so silence=unwellness? True, it did but he called today. My turn to flake although I did speak to him.

I ‘fessed up to what I did. He asked if I had been speaking to Merlin #1 about these issues. I told him that I had not. After they are done, I do feel pissed off with myself, frustrated, disappointed–all of that. I am quite sure that other cutters (or anyone who practises self harm in any form) can relate. However, I look at it as a “blip on the radar” and simply move on. I do not know if that is irresponsible. And yet, what exactly is the “answer?” The “treatment,” per se?

I have gone for long periods of not cutting. I have gone through long periods of simply not wanting to–even if there has been a huge trigger thrown my way. My moods have just gone crazy but I have never felt the urge to cut.

So what is my solution? Sheer will? Just fight and fend off the urges as strongly as I can?

I am going to try and do something productive now. Perhaps it will make me feel a bit better. I don’t know. Perhaps I will just sit here and do nothing, wait until it’s time to go to bed just like the other day. But if I do something, maybe an activity not even related to my future tasks.  That might just give me a tiny break from the stress of it all.

Again, I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks.

Knackered Or Numb?

Well, I made it through today.  Day one of “the funeral” as I called it in my analogy? I didn’t freak out or cry or anything. *PA bows/kneels to her Valium*  Not to mention I was just so busy! I mean…wow, the things that you can accumulate on a computer over time! And let’s not forget that for several years I did not have one at home.  So that meant I had to use my one at work for everything!

I tried to get through it all as best I could but by late in the afternoon I think I was starting to go blind.  And now here I sit typing up this? And guess where? HA! I’m out in a pub having a pint! Oooooohhhhh Nnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s not destroy new baby MacBook all over again!

It’s alright.  I’ve got it all set up properly.  I am as cocooned as I can possibly be.  NO ONE IS GETTING NEAR ME!!! And I’m certainly not going to spill my own drink on it.  I don’t care if I was so exhausted since I’d been up with no sleep for a month straight.  No way in hell.

So there is still more to do as far as my computer but one of my bosses took pity on me and just sent me home.  Come back tomorrow as I need to anyway and pack away all of my personal items.  Ugh.  That’s going to take a while too.  Throw everything in boxes and I will certainly have to take a taxi home.  There will be no way I will be able to take public transit home! Good lord.

I took a bit of a break here and there and popped down to one floor and said some “goodbyes.”  Again, Bless You Valium.  Weird.  Some people were shocked, some were sad, some seemed…oh, really…kind of like “ersatz friend.” Oh well.  Maybe they were having a bad day.  At least polite, little PA said goodbye as she liked them.  There are still so many more I’d like to say goodbye to.

So, I have to go back to hack away at things tomorrow.  I am kind of wondering if I won’t feel so “numb” then.  Yes, I have decided that numb is winning over knackered, although I am both.  When it is all completed…well…then I might feel…who knows what?

Hence my appt. with Merlin #1 on Monday.

And speaking of “feeling?” Or not feeling…? Or erm…? Hacking away at things? Oh, maybe that last one was too much…

A change in cutting patterns.  Yes, I’m just slipping this in at the end.  Things got a bit too stressy and out of control last night and so did I.  Ran a bath, grabbed “my knife” and did some small lacerations on my left thigh.  Nothing serious (I mean in “damage” but it’s a fucking cutting.)  Then I just laid back in the hot water…

This time was different, though.  After sitting and thinking, drinking (I can hear you Greybeard…) I actually planned it all out.  And it was my leg.  The body part? Well, maybe that is not such a big deal but this is the first time I have ever planned to cut.  It was not impulsive as they all have been before.  It was like, ‘okay…let’s finish my beer, go run the bath and do the cutting.  Let’s not make it that serious, of course.  I have to go into work to take care of things tomorrow!’

Hmmm.

Okay, PA.  Try to keep it together…try to keep it together…

Connecting…And Connecting Some Dots From My Past For You

So yes, trying to get around to contacting people. Mac Guru was good enough to email filmmaker. She called. He then emailed her after I went over the edge in my cycling frenzy. I didn’t hear from her then. She probably had nothing to say–or rather, maybe wasn’t quite sure what to say. I did my first overdose after driving home from her place in 1999. We had been fighting for a while and agreed to meet that night and managed to patch things up. Oh wow, what a volatile relationship we had over the years. Well, those years. Back then. She’s still crazy though and well, I am but at least I differ in that I have actually been diagnosed.

She did come to visit me though after the OD. With “ersatz friend” as I have now come to call him. We all knew each other. Part of the same little circle due to her film. There is another man I still know but because filmmaker is/was/can be brutal (and so much more back then making the film) she pissed him off so much that he simply can not stand her anymore.

Such a shame.

So I called “ersatz friend” too. He is the one where I so often keep in contact with, arrange to get together for dinner etc… but leave it up to him as his work requires him to travel so his schedule pretty much trumps mine. I wait for him to get back to me. He never does. And I was so out of it. I was trying to remember his email address. I completely forgot that I have his numbers on my mobile. Ugh. My brain is still not quite up to par?

The conversation was…well, I don’t know if it was odd or not. He seemed a bit distant? Sort of, ‘well, gee…that’s too bad…’ He didn’t really sound all that sympathetic. I often wonder if I put him through hell so many years ago. He was my “crisis man.” Whenever I OD’d, cut…I always called him. That is not a nice thing to do and those are not pleasant calls to receive. However, I was out of my mind and extremely ill. Not an excuse, mind you. Simply the reason. And then there was filmmaker. Compared to me? Oh, my lord. She really put him through the wringer. Talk about being demanding! He also fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her too. Ersatz friend? I think he may have fallen in love with me too. Yes…deep within my so muddled, murky memory I seem to remember him telling me so. Fuck me, Mac Guru even fell in love with me! Now that I do remember! It got a little messy but we worked it out. It can be very hard when you fall in love with people that can not return that love–that type of love. They can only be your friends and love you in that manner.

Wow! Can you believe all of that up there??? It’s a wonder any of our hearts managed to stay intact! Except filmmaker. She didn’t seem to give a shit about any one of us all falling all over each other–especially her. I don’t say that to be mean or spiteful, really. I would never say such things about someone! You just would have to know her to understand and I guess be there during those days.

And between all of the partying, drinking, drugs (not so much PA as she’s never been into drugs but she was flying “high” (no pun intended) in Bipolar madness so if someone was smoking up…whatever.) Plus there was a hell of a lot of mental illness going around too–more than just PA:

PA: Yet to be dx’d Bipolar and ADD and had been living in a continual state of (hypo)manic existence for at least seven years or more–not on any meds at this time.

Ersatz Friend: Dx’d Depression and ADD (on meds at this time.)

Mac Guru: Previous dx of Depression, had been on meds before (later on in life also, on and off meds for Depression but that was, again, later…) Also undx’d severe Social Anxiety Disorder at the time.

Filmmaker: Now, I think possible dx of Depression when younger or undx’d–or she just said she was depressed. Yes, I believe the latter. Still, to this day I am trying to figure out just what the hell her dx or dx’s is/are/could/would be! My money is on/within the Personality Disorder department. Yes, most bloody definitely!

So what do you think? Makes for an interesting mix? Quite the “Soap Opera” or “Droop Drama” as my Nana used to call those genre of shows?

Ahhh, ersatz friend. We were so close. What happened? I remember one time he was ill. It was something to do with his throat. Did he have to have some sort of surgery or was he just very sick? Either way, he couldn’t speak. Or wasn’t supposed to. When I arrived at his house, I only said hello and asked how he was. Then, I grabbed a notepad I brought with me and started writing. I wrote: ‘If you can’t speak, then neither can I. This is how we are going to communicate.’ A huge grin spread across his face and he started to laugh–almost audibly–so I put my index finger to my closed lips in a ’shhh’ sort of action.

Ersatz friend was the first person to pick up on my Major Depressive crash. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had been (hypo)manic for so many years. That was my normal state of existence (as an adult–depressed as hell as a kid–but you forget these things when you go so far into outer space as I did.) He told me to get straight to a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to go but everything was going down the toilet, my job performance was suffering…I knew I had to. And even still, everything went downhill from there for years anyway but at least it got me on the road to getting help–even if took so many years and it is still ongoing.

Several years later after ersatz friend and I continued to support each other with our shared insanity, he quit his meds entirely in favour of natural solutions. That was fine. He had been on the med treadmill for so very long and just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing seemed to work for him. However, a couple of years ago or so, he told me that I should just go off all of my meds too! Just be done with them! I said to him that I couldn’t. Not with all of my comorbidities. Perhaps it had worked for him but at the very least, my neurologist would probably have a seizure himself if I went off my meds for having those!

Did that drive us apart? Our different stances on medication? Well, really now. Ersatz friend. Are you that closed minded? So we made yet another prospective “dinner date” based upon his schedule. We shall see.

Continuing on with more mentalness, I also called my mother. She is not really a dot to be connected. She is her own little single dot in her own little universe. Well, I had to call her eventually. She is being supportive in her own way, as much as she can I guess. Rather like when I came out of hospital last year. The calls were fairly frequent at first but then she drifted off like the little dot that she is, back into her own little universe. *shrug*

20, 20, 24 Seconds To Go…I Wanna Be Sedated…

Okay, it’s not going to happen that quickly but I just got home from my GP appointment, stopped at the pharmacy and popped my first Valium/Diazepam about a half hour ago (at time of beginning this post.) Alright, let’s take it for a test drive. Let’s see what it’s going to do! Let’s see if my post goes completely downhill (i.e. the stuff works well!)

I am also completely knackered. I didn’t start with the 100mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine last night. Dork PA. I should have. I awoke in the middle of my restless night at some point and ran to take another 50mg. So, what, big deal. Not enough time. I also had to wake up early to go on a two hour long trek to see my GP. Yes, a bit far away from where I live.

My lovely GP. She took one look at me and quite obviously saw I was in rough shape. I as I walked into one of the examining rooms, I felt her hand lightly on my back as she led me in. Again, bless. She said that she had a medical student with her and was it alright for her to come in. I could tell she was a student as I had seen them talking before I went in and I had never seen her in the office before.

I said, “Sure, she can spend some time in hell!”

My GP said, “Oh, no..” in a sort of a…it’s not that bad, manner.

I turned to the medical student, a very nice looking young girl and as I plopped into the chair, I eyed her and then said: “I have a very interesting brain…” *PA rolls eyes* Well, come on guys! You know it’s true!

My GP knew nothing of “the hell” as lovely nurse had not relayed the information–just booked the appt. So off I go. Also, it wasn’t a 30 min. counselling type, just a “regular” medical type. PA needed to try to convey everything fast! And that she did. Yes, yes…off I go in my typical med geek fashion… At one point, I needed to stop so my GP could take a break and update my file. She turned to the med student and smiled.

She said, “PA isn’t your typical patient…” I almost started laughing but I felt so shitty I just couldn’t. I simply retorted: “Ah, yes…you should have become a doctor, PA…you should have become a doctor.”

Crap, I need a tea. I haven’t had any today and something tells me that this is going to take long enough to write and edit anyway? I’m not sure but the Valium might be allowing my white and grey matter a luxurious swim in the GABA pool right now. Ahhh… And it’s been 45 min. now since dosing.

Be back soon…

Alright, so on we go with discussing everything and then she gets around to the issue of cutting and suicidality. I told her that of course, of course. But only when I’ve been cycling. Time to ‘fess up, though. I thought I had the “tools” to remove my sutures but I don’t. I needed her to remove them. I told her about it and the issue of my migraines starting to do me in as far as the mood department as well. Also, that neuro thought my migraines had caused the Complex Partial Seizure that I had in early December. She asked what neuro had to say about it. I told her that I hadn’t relayed the information as I had just sort of pieced it together recently. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing him until August as both the MRI and EEG were clean.

The med student removed the sutures. Poor girl. I don’t know if she was really nervous or…well, I don’t think I intimidated her! She removed the sutures alright but the cut is still open just a touch. So put on some Steri-strips. She wasn’t getting it quite right and I was tempted to advise her but I didn’t want to embarrass her!

I guess that’s about it? I’m not quite sure what to say about the Valium. I mean, it sure beats (or seems to be beating?) the Serax/Oxazepam that I took years ago. I read on the little patient monograph from the pharmacy that smoking can reduce its levels. I actually didn’t know that. *laughing* Again, like PA knows everything, right? Still, it’s not like she’s a crazy, “pack-a-day’er.” Oh, no. Not to mention, we’re starting off q.d. (once daily) and then moving up to b.i.d. (twice daily) if required. But it’s also kind of on a p.r.n. (as needed) directive as well. I mean, if I suddenly wake up feeling all grand and don’t need them, great! I think that is doubtful at this point. What do you guys think? Not to be all “negative sounding” or a “real downer” about my mental (un)health but you can’t just “pep talk” your way out of Bipolar madness.

I’m seeing Merlin #1 again in about two weeks. My GP wants me to call her immediately afterward to see how things are going. Even if it’s just for a telephone chat (again…wow…she does not do this…well, maybe with other patients but realistically, other GPs do not!) You need to make an appt.! At that point, we will also readdress the whole benzo situation as I think she is hesitant about keeping me on them. I don’t think Merlin #1 gives a toss. Regardless, if my anxiety is still high, it will still need to be controlled, correct?

Right now, it is a complete baseline while I am conscious…well, probably while unconscious, too. It’s this undercurrent that WILL NOT go away. It might if I end up going all (hypo)manic but I crash and it just ends up coming back.

I’m still on the fence about starting the Topamax/Topiramate increase. I still have some things to do tomorrow (boy has this been an exhausting week) so I might wait until Friday night when–if necessary–I can let my brain go completely haywire with no responsibilities or things that need to be taken care of.

Okay…going to go have another cuppa? And see how this Valium ride works out? It is kind of making me laugh a bit…hmmm…just maybe a little “happy pill?” I guess they didn’t call it “Mother’s Little Helper” for no reason, right?

That Was NOT Fun Yesterday

I need to puke out this post first and then I will get to everyone’s comments. Wow, I can barely type today. A bit of a mess. Rather. Yes.

I had mentioned that I hadn’t cycled that quickly and in such a forceful manner (as you could probably gather from me commenting on the post in block caps) in years. Well, sometimes it’s all well and good to have the energy and the “up” feeling of being (hypo)manic. Later, things got a lot worse for me.

I was still pretty hyper after taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine and hopping into bed. I decided to put on my iPod to listen to some music to try and relax me and calm me down. It has helped in the past. That’s when things took a turn…whoa.

I flipped. I started bawling and it was straight into a really, really, bad Dysphoric Mania. It was taking everything to not do a cutting. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I mean, prior to that, I did experience a calm but I guess I must have been in the eye of the storm?

I took off my iPod and headphones and threw them across the bed. I’m amazed I didn’t throw them across the room! I’m kind of saying that in jest as I’m not a “thrower.” I’m not one in my mentalness or even when I just get upset with anything to throw things–you know, if someone is having a fight they start tossing the dishes around and all of that. Not PA. I mean, that can get expensive if you fight a lot, right? I guess, buy paper plates and glasses? Ha ha…trying to be funny but I don’t feel funny…well, I do but in a brain, sick tummy way…get to that.

So, I got up, not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I went outside in the freezing cold with some water (I’ve been very dehydrated lately–probably tummy related) and had a cigarette as I thought that might do some good. I then resorted to some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate and hoped that would knock me out. I didn’t dare want to take any more Seroquel. Best to just monkey around with something that was OTC if I can’t sleep. At least I had the presence of mind to not start fucking with meds even if I was seriously going out of my mind.

I mean, it was BAD.

When I see Merlin #1 next week I am going to suggest adding some benzos to my pretty, rainbow cocktail. They are fast and easy and I can just pop some if I start to feel I’m getting out of control. Wow, I could surely use some now. I am a bit of a wreck after yesterday and last night. My brain is fried and I feel disgusting physically in tummy land.

It’s been so long since I have felt that way. Not just a random period of either a Mixed State or a Dysphoric Mania–well, one wasn’t so “random.” It was caused by taking Strattera/Atomoxetine that Dr. Asshole gave me for my ADD and I temporarily forgot that it is basically–well no– it is an AD. Yep, send PA straight into Bipolar hell.

Nonetheless, this stress is obviously having much more of an impact on my mind than I originally thought it might? Well, this was always in the back of my “mind” but I thought I could withstand all of this and be “strong” enough. However, we can never “control” our brains when it comes to triggers with our neurochemistry. That’s just the way it goes. Again, I think my only recourse at this point is to get some benzos. We could also do some tinkering with my other meds but…

Well, the Lamictal/Lamotrigine takes too long with titration, it’s a tricky AC and obviously it’s apparent I need some help now? The Topamax/Topiramate? Well, sure…that might be worth a shot. It served me so well for so many years and the titration can be done quickly with that–at least for me–no problems there. The Seroquel? I take it for sleep and I don’t know of its efficacy for me in terms of controlling my winging out with the Bipolarness. That almost seems too experimental when I’m getting into crazyland, crisis mode these days? That’s it for my Bipolar meds.

And I will not stop my Biphentin. I am having enough problems concentrating as it is. The Biphentin is not causing the problem; my current situation is. Therefore, I can not see how removing that would help. This is stress related–not med related. I am quite sure that taking my stim away would do nothing to help my life and what I have to face. In fact, I think it would make me more of a spun doofus when I do need to focus right now.

Benzos? I’ve taken Serax/Oxazepam which has been my staple for years in the past. It was…alright for my anxiety and also alright for my sleep but not now for sleep, I would bet. My insomnia has worsened over the years as I could go on and off the Serax at will when my sleep was fine. Now? Sleep meds forever, I am quite sure of that! I have also tried Klonopin/Riva(o)tril/Clonazepam (called by different names wherever the hell you are as all meds…) but I fell into one category of folks where with extended use, it caused depression. Oh yeah, just what I need right?

So, I’m not sure. Go back to my old one or give Valium/Diazepam a try? I’ve always been curious about that one. I’ve never tried Xanax/Alprazolam. A lot of people think that’s the boogeyman of the benzos but I’ve never had a problem with taking my benzo before as I could go on and off. And even with my Gravol that I love so much! It’s not like I’m popping them all the time! I can’t take Ativan/Lorazepam. Well, I can, it’s just that there is no point. They’re like little pieces of candy to me. No effect at all.

Anyway, I just think I need something to keep me from freaking out as my anxiety is at pretty high levels now. I need some pharmaceutical intervention. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I know I have no control but if it keeps up, it WILL be hospital time and I really don’t want that. I can’t afford it. Not in terms of time, money…all of that. I need to get back on track, get a job, get my life in order.

I know my health comes first and realistically, if I am not healthy I can not take care of the above anyway. However, if I can manage to get through this without my brain either exploding or imploding, that is what I want to do.

Wow, I think this is longer than I expected.

Hey, at least in my “up” state, I managed to get baby MacBook out of the box. I guess I can put the relic away. That’s good. I was sitting on the floor, trying to lean against Mozart’s scratching post that I still have and trying to balance the keyboard on my lap. It was killing my body. Now, I am more comfortably on my bed. Pillows… *PA leans*

Exhausted PA.

I was too all over to do anything with it so I waited for today to check everything out. Good grief, could you imagine being all out of it and ME destroying my new one?!?!?! Well, I don’t think I would have but still. I wanted to be in a more “sane” state of mind to check all of the data dump.

Whew. It’s all there. As far as I can tell? If I come across anything when I’m looking, then I guess I’ll know but so far, sound as a pound. Shit, the screen is so “new” and “clean…” It’s so bright it’s almost hurting my eyes! I just dimmed it. Maybe my eyes are just tired. No doubt.

The only thing “missing” if you are thinking of buying one is the remote I got with my first one. It’s now an “upgrade” that you have to purchase. Although I’m using mine at the moment and it’s still fine. Like it wouldn’t be? It’s a little thing that shoots out a…well, a little thing. Actually, it seems to work better with new baby MacBook than old baby MacBook? Huh.

On the flip side, with mine (the black) and one of the whites (ewww…white) is they did some upgrades. I now have a 250MB hard drive whereas I only had a 160MB and you had to upgrade for that. Also, I seem to have a DVD burner now! That was an upgrade as well, as before it was only DVD-ROM/CD-RW. Leopard may seem to have some neater features that I am kind of finding out as I’m going along here? Well, I guess I won’t categorize this under “Technology Sucks.”

And…there’s nothing that smells better than a brand new Mac, straight out of the box. Well, except leather and garlic cooking?