Not a Good Start to My Day

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

A Man Attracted to Me Sexually…Again…

It’s been a long time since this has happened. Years, in fact. I’ve known this man for a brief period and we have established a friendship–a good one. Hmmm…

This is a bit dicey. Actually, what I am going to say next; this may be a bit dicey too?

Women are (or can be) very emotional. Men? Well, sure. They can be too but in my experience in terms of “sex” and sexual attraction and relationships? Not the same. I don’t like to make generalisations but…?

Sorry. This may sound terrible but women are so much more emotional than men. However, as a caveat, I will admit that I am extremely more emotional when it comes to sexual or romantic relationships (as a woman?)

So I went out to dinner with my friend. Whom I am apparently his object of attraction. This was not “news.” There is a “history,” if you will. He is…well, a bit of a “high performer.” I won’t say “Type A.” Do you know where I am going?

Maybe not.

Basically, he needs a good spanking…

PA can do that. We both know that. Not that BDSM involves sex. No. However, he’s really…oh…fuck. Yes, “fuck.” Yes, he’d really like to “go the distance.” But he knows that PA is gay and she’d never sleep with him.

I’m no stranger to the BDSM “Scene.” Many reasons for that…long story…but ultimately I fell into it by accident. Nonetheless, I was an observer at the clubs but it is still a part of me. Yes, oooh…aaah…PA has a penchant for BDSM! Shall we all fall over and die???

I am really a submissive. That is when (gee, I wish?) I am with a woman but I can and also be a “switch.” Also with a woman. I will Dominate her. That thrills me as well.

With a man? It can depend upon certain factors and again…everything always needs to be negotiated. The Cardinal Rules are: Safe, Sane and Consensual.

However, I’ve always found men are so easy…

Example. To start? This might work.

“Get down on your knees you pathetic piece of shit!”

Oh, boy!

BOY.

Why can’t I find a girl to play with me like this?

Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

It’s the Devil in the Bottle

…that’s all I’m gonna say..

I thought I’d better toss this up now as at least I’m awake.  WTF time did I go to bed last night? I sent someone an email at around 0400hrs and then had something to eat and watched some television.  Good, lord.

So apologies.  I’ll try to get back to your comments today but I don’t know where the hell I may end up between now and midnight (don’t worry, I’m staying home…)  I’m too exhausted to move anyway.  I’m serious.  My entire body is aching, my throat is sore, my head is all stuffy.  So, I’m sorry if you don’t hear from me other than this.  I’m not ignoring you.

I couldn’t make my appointment at “Fix Me Up.”  Now for that, I am truly sorry.  I’m kind of wondering if it even mattered (matters?) that much as everything’s getting all screwy there.  People are taking summer time off and I’m sort of left scratching my head.  Where do I stand? Am I “ready?” Huh…?  I did at least send in my information via email.  My coach said she’d try and get back to me.  You see? I don’t know what’s going on.

I was thinking about going in tomorrow after Merlin #1 but if there’s no one to really speak to or ask questions…  I can’t even think about anything right now.

I can’t deal with this stress bullshit anymore. *PA rolls eyes*

Fucking drinking. *PA rolls eyes again*

I want to kick my genes in the ass (haha…get it?) I know, not funny.  There’s a boatload of alcoholism on my maternal side (like my head lunacy wasn’t enough already?) I don’t know about my bio dad but probably not being a poor man whose family was totally poor as he supported them in Pakistan.  I’ve never met him as I was conceived there and born in Canada.

Anyway, not that I lay all the “blame” on genetic material.  I am responsible for what I do.  I just think it makes it all the damn harder for me to stop once I start.  Nothing has been proven about that rather pointed fact but the theory is definitely out there.  And you certainly can’t dismiss the notion entirely of a genetic component for alcoholism.

Saying Goodbye and Simultaneously Networking

I was extended an invitation to a function held by my ex-employer today.  I know, it sounds strange but the details are of minimal importance, if of any at all.  I didn’t know if I should go.  I finally decided that it would be first, a good opportunity to say goodbye to some folks that might be there (that I never got around to doing) and second, a chance to: “Network.”  I am beginning to loathe that word.  Still, the people there know me so even if I sounded like a blithering idiot (not an uncommon experience) it would probably be alright?

Confession? When I woke up this morning, I cried.  Who would I see? All the lovely and beautiful people that I met over my years there.  I was right fucked.  I had a feeling I would cry.  I mean, all of the “Networking” was going to bad enough but…the people that I had so much fun with, I had grown to love.  It sounds funny.  Do you love the people you work with? Well, maybe on some level you do.

Guess what? It was a two-Valium/Diazepam day.  No doubt.

I made it though.  It wasn’t a long function.  And the room cleared fairly quickly.  PA worked the room as quickly as she could.  There was alcohol (and non-alcoholic beverages) but she needed her hands free to shake others’ hands and reach for her cards.  And yes, arms free too for lots of huggies and kissies for wee, PA.

I told you.  The place was and is great.  Now you may understand my tears from this morning? If I may say so, PA was pretty well respected.  In fact, another peer (a lovely, lovely woman–who volunteered to toss contacts her way whenever she could!) asked her/suggested…rather emotional day? I admitted that, yes, I did cry in the morning.

So, who knows? I mean, one guy–after it all went down and I told him–he’s my age, a manager, offered to be a personal reference! Right off the bat.  PA gobsmacked.  I gave him my card tonight when I saw him again.  Another guy I saw tonight said he’s going on vacation but when he gets back, we’ll go for lunch and speak further.

The woman who I told that I cried? She is very well connected.  Auto-Network-Connect.  I didn’t even have to ask.  Ditto another “Super Woman” in the Marketing Department.

Some? Fuck, me.  Again, they know me but did I stretch too far? I have legitimate relationships with “the Big Guns” so I went after them too.  Good grief.  Well, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I’ve lost it all already, right?

Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

All Over the Map!

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable.  Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested.  The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn.  Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression.  Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist.  Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.”  Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today.  WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water.  That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both.  I’m sorry.  I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat.  I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water.  I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning.  At least nothing involving hot water.  So, I swept up the floors.  Good god.  It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet.  But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic.  Sorry, mommy.  You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*

ADD Mushbrain.

Chivalry Is Not Dead…This Stuff Still Happens!

So while I was out running some errands on the weekend, I decided to go and sit on the patio and have some pints and read a local rag.  Yes, avoid all job finding responsibility.  Well, not really.  The paper has ads and stuff.

As I was sitting there, this older woman asked if she could sit with me.  Sure, of course! She was in her 60s.  She told me that her husband just hated her smoking! So, I suppose since I was a woman there alone (albeit much younger) it was better (and more appropriate for her) to sit down with me.  I mean, a woman of her age standing around smoking! Well! Perhaps looking like some kind of trollop! Unimaginable!

We had a lovely conversation and she came out another couple of times.  It was kind of odd as well, as there was a band playing.  Older gentlemen, not young ruffians but your generic “rock ‘n’ roll” kind of stuff.

Later, a man came out who was around the same age.  He asked if he could sit with me as well.

Okay.  Hang on.  This is one of PAs regular haunts.  She is a regular and knows everyone.  What’s going on with all of these older folk coming to sit with her? No matter.  All is good in PA Polite Land.  Please, have a sit and let’s chat.

He said he had just started a new medication and was feeling dizzy.  It was just too much inside for him.  Oh! Well, please sit down!

We talked for a considerably longer time.  I don’t know how long! At least 20min. or more.  There was this woman who kept badgering him to come back inside but he kept waving her off.  I thought it was kind of funny.  I asked if it was his wife.  He said no, it wasn’t.  His sister? I don’t know.

He offered to have her join us but she wouldn’t.  I said the same–please come and sit down.  She just sort of “sniffed” and walked away.  Again, I had to giggle.  He stayed with me and we kept talking.  Finally, she came back and said that the band was playing their last song and she wanted to dance.  He almost reluctantly walked away.  We said goodbye and that, “It was a pleasure…” and I went back to reading my paper.

My servers asked to move inside to sit at my “favourite table.” *laughing*  Again, I am a regular and I always sit at the same table to work on baby MacBook.  I am actually here right now–at “my table.”  They had a line up for the patio.  I told them it was no problem as I was getting cold anyway.

I decided to order one more drink and asked for the bill.  When I looked at it, I called the server over as there was something wrong.  There was only one drink on it–my last.  A tiny little…I hate to say “bell” went off in my head but before I could really acknowledge what it was, she told me, “That gentleman that you were sitting with…”

I said, “No, no…oh please…no.  He didn’t…”

She said, “Yes, he paid…”

Before she finished, I just started crying.  I mean, after we parted, he never even came over to say anything else.  When I came back inside, he was gone.  So, no time for another final goodbye, a little wave or anything.

I just couldn’t believe it.  I sat and cried for a bit more and finished my drink…took a bit of time to regain my composure and then paid my bill.

Just for one drink.

More…GET IT OUT!!!

I’m giving more “linky-love” to to Gabriel… but it’s just working out that way. We’re not having a…well…we…don’t have an online “thing” going on. *PA giggles*

No, he said that perhaps Blog365 might be driving me mad. The pace of keeping up (and maybe everything else in my life?) could…maybe…I don’t know. Making me more bonkers than I already am? He suggested writing a post COMPLETELY IN BLOCK CAPS!!!

I laughed. Okay, maybe?

However, would that be a little hard on everyone’s eyes?

Well, I do have a fun post to write but I’VE BEEN SO FUCKING BUSY I HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO WRITING IT!!!

I spent HOURS RESEARCHING JUST ONE THING FOR MY JOB SEARCH (but it’s okay because I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE research) but I mentioned in a comment THAT I WAS COMPLETELY BUGGERED AS I HAD DONE NOTHING ELSE THE ENTIRE DAY AND EATEN NOTHING EXCEPT A BOWL OF CEREAL!!!

What I was was researching was having my business cards made THAT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE IF I AM TO FIND A NEW JOB!!! What I found out was that perhaps the company I was going to deal with was a bit dodgy AND THAT MADE ME TOTALLY FREAK OUT!!! Why did I freak out? I HAVE A SERIOUS BLOODY DEADLINE AS I NEED THEM BY JUNE 23 FOR A MAJOR FUNCTION–SUPREME NETWORKING OPPORTUNITY!!!

I just went with them anyway and ordered them now. However, I thought they had a three day “Rush Shipment Option.” No. APPARENTLY IT’S SEVEN WHAT THE…I THOUGHT I SAW IT ON THE WEBSITE AS THREE FUCKING DAYS THE OTHER…DAY!!! Do the math from today’s date.

So if I give them a one day grace period…I JUST MIGHT MAKE IT???

Alright, I’ll be back to maybe not shout so much later. *laughing*

Oh, wait.  PA CAN’T DO MATH TO SAVE HER LIFE!!! DO THEY MEAN SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS???

Oh, hell.