Not a Good Start to My Day

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

Good Fortune on a Bench!

Before I begin with my little story (that gave me a good laugh), I will say that opposed to yesterday, I really gave the boots to both myself and the work that I needed to get done. I spent at least five to six hours working straight (minus a couple of tea breaks sitting outside) completing all the stuff that I meant to do over the weekend.

Still. So much more to do. At least I got caught up on what I was supposed to do. There’s at least one more thing that I need to do before tomorrow. Answer some rather pointed questions before I meet with one of the coaches at “Fix Me Up” tomorrow. I started to make a list of answers before I just said, “Fix ME Up” and strolled down to the pub where I currently am right now. Awww, come on guys! After ramming it for several hours straight, I deserve just a bit of beer as a reward? Right? Huh?

So, I’m kickin’ it with my iPod on and typin’ and bouncin’ like a wee ADD freakzoid because…erm…yeah. I very well and rightly so got into hyperfocus mode and I’m still, jolly well there! No, you should see me. You should see my typical ADD “bouncy leg.” People must be thinking WTF?!?!?! PA.No.Care

Alright, on with the story. Has everyone out there heard of Double Bubble chewing gum? According to the wiki link it’s sold in 50 countries so I think most of you know it?

Anyway, I was out one evening and I saw…well? If you are familiar with it, you should know about its comic strip history? I espied…oh, a Double Bubble comic “stuck” to a bench.  And NO, it wasn’t stuck to the bench with a piece of Double Bubble.

I immediately recognised it and it took me right back to childhood.  I mean, talk about marketing! Get the kids to buy your shitty gum (and believe me it was shitty–and probably still is) by adding a little surprise inside! So, I picked it up and I swear to god…it was just perfect for me after the “shitty” day I had!

The character, “Pud,” who came along in 1950 after a couple of the originals, was sitting at his computer.  He was on the phone calling: “Tech Support.”  What was he saying?

“Tech Support? My computer has a WEDGIE!”

On his screen were all of these squiggly lines that ran from corner to corner and were pinched in the middle! Oh, hahaha! Geeky PA sure got a giggle.  But it gets better in how it cheered her up.  It was almost like a “Fortune Cookie.”  There was a little message underneath the cartoon.  It said…

“Your Double Bubble Fortune: A Smile A Day Keeps Worry Away.”

Well, I will tell you that it certainly gave me a smile that day! I still have it.  I’m keeping it.  Especially now since I’ve made a post about it. *laughing*

More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

All Over the Map!

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable.  Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested.  The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn.  Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression.  Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist.  Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.”  Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today.  WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water.  That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both.  I’m sorry.  I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat.  I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water.  I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning.  At least nothing involving hot water.  So, I swept up the floors.  Good god.  It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet.  But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic.  Sorry, mommy.  You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*

ADD Mushbrain.

Chivalry Is Not Dead…This Stuff Still Happens!

So while I was out running some errands on the weekend, I decided to go and sit on the patio and have some pints and read a local rag.  Yes, avoid all job finding responsibility.  Well, not really.  The paper has ads and stuff.

As I was sitting there, this older woman asked if she could sit with me.  Sure, of course! She was in her 60s.  She told me that her husband just hated her smoking! So, I suppose since I was a woman there alone (albeit much younger) it was better (and more appropriate for her) to sit down with me.  I mean, a woman of her age standing around smoking! Well! Perhaps looking like some kind of trollop! Unimaginable!

We had a lovely conversation and she came out another couple of times.  It was kind of odd as well, as there was a band playing.  Older gentlemen, not young ruffians but your generic “rock ‘n’ roll” kind of stuff.

Later, a man came out who was around the same age.  He asked if he could sit with me as well.

Okay.  Hang on.  This is one of PAs regular haunts.  She is a regular and knows everyone.  What’s going on with all of these older folk coming to sit with her? No matter.  All is good in PA Polite Land.  Please, have a sit and let’s chat.

He said he had just started a new medication and was feeling dizzy.  It was just too much inside for him.  Oh! Well, please sit down!

We talked for a considerably longer time.  I don’t know how long! At least 20min. or more.  There was this woman who kept badgering him to come back inside but he kept waving her off.  I thought it was kind of funny.  I asked if it was his wife.  He said no, it wasn’t.  His sister? I don’t know.

He offered to have her join us but she wouldn’t.  I said the same–please come and sit down.  She just sort of “sniffed” and walked away.  Again, I had to giggle.  He stayed with me and we kept talking.  Finally, she came back and said that the band was playing their last song and she wanted to dance.  He almost reluctantly walked away.  We said goodbye and that, “It was a pleasure…” and I went back to reading my paper.

My servers asked to move inside to sit at my “favourite table.” *laughing*  Again, I am a regular and I always sit at the same table to work on baby MacBook.  I am actually here right now–at “my table.”  They had a line up for the patio.  I told them it was no problem as I was getting cold anyway.

I decided to order one more drink and asked for the bill.  When I looked at it, I called the server over as there was something wrong.  There was only one drink on it–my last.  A tiny little…I hate to say “bell” went off in my head but before I could really acknowledge what it was, she told me, “That gentleman that you were sitting with…”

I said, “No, no…oh please…no.  He didn’t…”

She said, “Yes, he paid…”

Before she finished, I just started crying.  I mean, after we parted, he never even came over to say anything else.  When I came back inside, he was gone.  So, no time for another final goodbye, a little wave or anything.

I just couldn’t believe it.  I sat and cried for a bit more and finished my drink…took a bit of time to regain my composure and then paid my bill.

Just for one drink.

2238hrs… Digging My Own Grave… Feh.

That is the time right now.

I still have a couple of really nice “stories” or posts that I would like to write.  Well, I think they’re nice.  I know they impacted me in a positive way.  Maybe you might like them as well?

Feh.

Don’t mistake my, “Feh.”  It’s not that I don’t care or give a shit.  Of course I do.  You guys know I do.  That’s my problem, right? My “Achilles’ Heel?”

Feh.

I need a cigarette and I’m going to take my meds.  Good lord, if someone were to do a search of “exhaustion” on this blog they would pull up certainly how many posts from this month? Last month? Or well…how many other posts altogether?

How about a search of “pathetic?”

Feh.

I think I am slowly (quickly?) digging my own grave.  Hey, at least then I needn’t worry about finding a new job.

Feh.

I’m not very good at physics, however, but let’s see if I can dig my own grave.

I’m pretty strong and also tiny so I’d probably only need a “shallow grave.”  But how would I cover myself? Alright.  So dig a wee sized PA hole and then dump the dirt on a plank.  Measure plank to PAs body and arm length.  Affix “Bungee Cords” for maximum strength and elasticity (oooh…wait…where to affix…?)

Okay.  After digging suitable, wee sized PA hole, then place one other plank on right side with screwed in metal rings.  Oh, hell…just one because she’s only got one arm!

Ensure that the dirt dug up is evenly distributed and not too heavy on plank that is above ground on left side.  Do a “test lift” before jumping into grave.  If too heavy, remove some of the dirt and redistribute.  Conduct “test lift” again if required.

Note: do not bury Bungee Cord under dirt.  It needs to be free and accessible! Otherwise you’ll just have to remove all the dirt from the plank and spread it all out again!

After above is completed, jump inside grave.

When inside grave, nestle down and get comfy.  Reach over and grab extended Bungee Cord that has been laid over dirt.

PULL HARD!!!

When plank slams down, attempt to hook Bungee Cord hook through ring.

Note: it will be very dark, so you will need to feel for the ring if you’re not a lucky shot, PA.  If you can’t find it after time and you get too tired, your breathing will become shallow due to oxygen deprivation.  So, if you can’t find the hook, not a problem.

Feh.

Why I Screamed In a Recent Comment and Why Am I Crying At the Drop of a Hat?

I’m going to do this a little backwards and write a post before I get to my outstanding comments. I always respond to my comments first.

I wrote in a comment last night: “Stay tuned for my next post after this that had me BAWLING MY FUCKING EYES OUT TONIGHT!”

Erm…yes. I actually had to sign off, leave the rest of the comments that came flooding in re: other posts and just say, “ENOUGH!” Yes, more block caps. I’ll get to you Gabriel… on that one per your comment! It’s not really about me shouting in the comment or me crying, by the way.

However, yesterday that is what I woke up to, ironically. Since I have been laid off, I have obviously been spending more time at home. The upstairs tenant used to run her own business from home and she has been gone every day, all day. Another job elsewhere? I have not seen her so I have not asked.

Well, yesterday. OMG, what a thing to wake up to! There was all of this screaming and crying! In my bleary-eyed and foggy state, I had no idea what was going on. As I became more clear, I realised she was on the telephone. I heard nothing else but her voice and her “fairy elephant” feet (a nod to fishwithoutbicycle for that one.) It’s a term from England where you think someone who would be light on their feet are certainly not! It gave me a real laugh when I heard that one.

Anyway, the yelling, the screaming, the crying continued all day. I was so worried for her. Of course, not wanting to eavesdrop–but I couldn’t help picking up on some of it–it was so loud and right above me! It seemed to be a problem with her partner or boyfriend? I’ve never met him and didn’t even know if she had one.

Then things started to get really interesting. Or potentially frightening? Some guy showed up. The front porch is right behind my bedroom window. I tried not to make it obvious but I peeked out from behind my blinds a bit. There was another woman with my upstairs tenant (for safety, support?) This guy was freaking out! My upstairs tenant seemed a bit more calm but then later in the evening, more loud, screamy, tearful phone calls.

I had to go out later. Damn, when does the store close? I need milk!

When I got home, we crossed paths. Oh, awkward. I basically said that I knew it was none of my business but was she alright? She said she was and apologised for the “yelling and screaming.” I said to her that, no, that wasn’t a problem, nor the issue. It was her. Again, was she alright! I offered up myself to her to talk anytime or if she needed anything. She thanked me and then walked away.

It was at that point, I just fell apart. I started, yes, bawling my eyes out like a little baby. Really, these days…what isn’t making PA bawl her eyes out? I am tearing up even as I write this post.

I have mentioned this before and it may be hard to grasp but when I speak (have spoken) to at least professionals, they have never batted an eyelash. When I was a child, I was so incredibly sensitive, I was basically “empathic.” I know, it makes me sound like I am making myself out to be Deanna Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. But it’s true. I could just “sense” peoples’ feelings–mostly negative. Well, gee, pretty much all negative?!

I have a clear memory of sitting on a public transit bus in my home town across from a woman who was overweight. I could just feel how unhappy she was, even though there were no blatant “signals.” She wasn’t crying or she didn’t have any “sad” look on her face. Immediately afterward, some kids started teasing her about her weight. I was shocked by this.

I could feel it with children, as well. It was this “visceral thing.” I know, I know…this all sounds so out of this world, unbelievably ridiculous, “PA thinks she’s psychic or has ESP!”

As a result of this (and many other things), I used to cry so much. I was nicknamed, “Cry Baby” by everyone. When I grew into adulthood, I repressed those “feelings.” I repressed my tears. I simply somehow shut it all off and began to live in my head more and more. That is not to say that I do not feel at all! That is not to say that I can not be sympathetic or even still, empathetic to someone’s situation if I realise that I have “been there too.”

I don’t necessarily believe or even know that these types of feelings are coming back. What I do know is that I am beginning to cry so damn easily as I did when a child. I am starting to feel pain from damn near everywhere like I am a completely exposed nerve.

I Still Can’t Stand Myself

Apart from my bloody Kuntitude, I am going berserk and mad as “Fix Me Up” mentioned a place where I can get free business cards.  That is a very good thing.  Especially since I believe I will be attending a rather…well VERY large, publicity…no, it’s a huge media related event.  Hey…it’s fucking on television.  I still have to check with the person who got the tix/passes but I’m sure we’re going.  We talked about it and yes…great “Networking” opportunity? So, I’m trying to get these damn business cards designed but they’re all fucked because they have a traditional “design.”

Erm…  Hi, I’m unemployed.  So…well, I need to come up with something for the “white space.”  Along with everything else that I need to do.

At least tomorrow’s session is in the afternoon? It doesn’t mean that I still can’t show up in the morning.  So I’m trying to be all wordsmithy and wordcrafty to do something to…catch peoples’ attention? But not make me sound like a total, fucking dork.

I’m out and at 6% battery.  Sorry to the lovely commenter that came in to the post from waaaay back.  I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.  I really liked your comment and yes…will definitely respond.  For sure, I have some things to say.

I just have to get this out right now as my brain is…argh…

I don’t want to keep complaining.  All I am writing about is my fucking job search bullshit.

I should link to one blogger in one of the most recent comments but another site run by M.D.s wants to link to me as a blogger!

Whee! Gee, if I could only make a living like this, eh? So far, this is number three…that I know of?

Being Over Exhausted and Completely Stressed is No Excuse For Kuntitude

Yes, “Kuntitude.” sodajerk gets credit for that one. I have to admit, I do like the term. He also came up with…what was it? “Social Retardicus?” Yes, I think that was it. We joked that it was a poke/silly turn of phrase on Spartacus.  It was.  We went even further and wondered if Spartacus had issues dealing with people and social situations.  I suppose “Social Retardicus” could fit as well for what I did last night, as I certainly lost my social graces completely!

I have apologised on my blog before. To others? Well, for offending them but definitely unintentionally if I did so. I have definitely apologised to myself countless times on this blog before!

Last night. I am not proud. I sent someone an email and it was terrible. It was the most Passive-Aggressive piece of shit. I knew it was the most awful communique I could have sent to someone the exact second I hit the “Send” button. However, you can’t recall emails after they are gone. Well, sometimes you can with certain applications but not gmail!

I apologised to the person as soon as I could this morning. Fuck. I still feel unhappy about it and myself as well, although all is resolved and fine?

PA doesn’t do Passive-Aggressive. In fact, she can’t deal with it very well at all. When someone pulls it on her…it’s just…it blows her away. Granted, PA is full of forgiveness so she will accept the behaviour. I suppose it will just wear her out when it becomes an ongoing form of interaction with someone. However, PA does not act like that.  She isn’t Passive-Aggressive at all. *sigh*

aikaterine gave PA some choice advice when she (or anyone else) screws up. This was back when PA was screwing up royal. Perhaps she still is?

The advice was to treat yourself as a child. Be gentle with yourself and take on the role of a mother and sort of say, “It’s alright. You made a mistake. It’s okay.” That’s sort of the gist of it. A way of not being so hard on yourself and being like a young and naive child, you can still grow and learn? You can be forgiven? It’s not like saying you’re a wee, infantile thing with an underdeveloped brain! It’s not like saying you are completely stupid or clueless in any way.

Sorry, aikaterine if you’re reading this and I am misquoting you; getting it all wrong. I hate to pass along “advice” and screw it all up!

So in my forgiveness that I was given by this person for being such an asinine piece of lower humanity, it made me wonder if other people are capable of doing this with people–even if they are unaware of it?

One thing I do know is this: some people are a lot more forgiving than others.

I still feel like I fucked up. However, that is me: “The Queen of Guilt.” I suppose I haven’t, nonetheless? I can not change what happened. I can not turn back the clock. Whether it be this instance or all of the other things that I have done that I wish that I had not. The thing is, the majority (if not all) of the things I would like to be able to undo are things that I have done to myself. I do not treat other people in ways such as I did last night.

I always like to say “I have no regrets.” True, you can learn from everything but I do not like to say that you can learn from hurting others. I have no regrets about hurting myself. That I can learn from and I did hurt myself over this. But it involved another person–and in a really shitty way–that I do regret and what can I possibly learn from that?

Oh well…this might give us all a wee laugh to get through the day.  I’m actually wearing a lavender top and a skirt today! I know.  The skirt…black.  And it’s not so bad to actually be wearing a skirt after all of these years.  But lavender! Holy crap! When have I ever worn lavender???

Some Interesting Linkage and Emailage of Late

I’ve always said it never ceases to amaze me where I show up on peoples’ blogrolls. Most of the time, I just find out by accident. Occasionally, someone may leave a comment on my blog to let me know. Less so the case, they may email me and let me know. Even less so the case, I may find out from a referral via my stats.

I am always very flattered when someone blogrolls me. I never say no! I find it most flattering that anyone reads me! 99.9% of the time, I feel this blog is tripe anyway.

I suppose I shall start with this one. I found it via my referrals. And by the way, I always try to swing by my referrals and commenters if they have a blog; take a look to see what they have to say, what they are all about. But these days especially (and even since starting Blog365) I am left with little time. That does not mean that any non-reciprocity is intended. Even with regular folks I know! Also, blogrolls can be…well, personal things. Some people blogroll everyone they can find, know etc… some are more particular. I still haven’t figured out how I decide whom to blogroll. Good grief, my blog itself is still a bloody mystery to me and I am it’s damn author!

So, this place somehow found me: it’s an AD(H)D site called ADDitude. Okay. They have a lot of blogs. And well…erm…a lot of stuff? They did not email me. It is run my a couple of folks with Degrees and some other people as well.

This place found me too and I have to admit, it was a bit of a shocker. It’s…”larger?” It’s run by a lot of M.D.’s, Therapists etc… It is mentalhelp.net.

I had to do some legal checking as in their “License” Section within their Terms of Use Policy they had some information about Third Party Content that I wanted to confirm. The first site’s Terms of Use Policy was fine. The reason for both is they do make a profit from things on their sites. However, the latter’s policy stated things in a more detailed way (and amongst other things than profit) should it affect my blog–not good.

I had expected that my blog as Third Party Content would not fall under these terms as it was an external link. I was correct.

However, the latter is, again, a lot larger and has fewer blogs. I am under the ADHD section and the Bipolar section. They also mentioned I had mature language and may not be suitable for some readers. That made me giggle a little but well, it is true. That also told me that they may have done a fair bit of checking and reading of my blog? Or perhaps not. I am trying to think of how much I use profanity. Maybe a lot? *laughing*

Since the latter emailed me, it was more formal and also because it was larger, it may indeed act more as a Corporation. I do not know. They did suggest a reciprocal link but it was up to my choosing. Indeed, this is proper protocol.

Now, I don’t link to any sort of “Self Help,” “Support” or Resource blogs/sites in my blogroll, whether they are run by a group of people who share something in common who are all there to mutually hash it out or ones run by professionals. There are too many out there. I do not feel that I am qualified to make a suitable critique or even “judgment” as to whether they will help people or not. We are all different and I think people should be able to seek out sites of this nature that will help them on their own. And certainly with the more “professionally” run sites, not being a professional I feel even less qualified to review the content. This is just my perspective on the matter.

Nonetheless, I suppose I have given some reciprocity here within my post, simply because it is relevant to the content of my post. And, indeed, I am flattered or should be due to the size of these sites? I will say I was certainly given lots of flattery from mentalhelp.net in the email they sent to me! Not to mention they were very prompt in answering my questions about the legal issues.

Also, these are not “Sploggers” which seem to be increasing in my world as well. If you are not familiar with the term, they are these bizarre “poachers” that pick up on your posts and link to them for no apparent reason–well, perhaps profit but I will get to that. Many times your post isn’t even relevant to anything else on their blog! There is no information about who runs it and if anything, they may try and pick up revenue by Google Ads but that is a very difficult thing to do. You get peanuts for your click-throughs unless you are a massive site with lots of traffic.

Fuck me. My Sploggers now are not even referring to me as “PA” or “Patient Anonymous” anymore! I’m getting called some name that may not even be a word or “Penis,” “Dick Head…” something like that so perhaps the Sploggers are becoming more sneaky in trying to obtain more “peanuts” for people searching dirty words. Which really makes no sense because if you were to Google something like “Penis” or Dick Head,” you’d get 1,000,000,000 results!

There is a way of reporting them although no one seems to care. Perhaps I should start “signing the petition” as well now?

So, continuing on with people finding me such as these larger sites and also, a woman who wrote a book that was praised by celebrities and wants me to review her blog also! Not that I am tooting my own horn, believe me. I am just saying that this is freaky. Let’s move on to the emails.

When I started this blog, I received a request from some stranger to write about a genetic link re: the Autistic Spectrum. Well, I read the material and again, I am not qualified to take a stance on this! Not to mention, nothing has been proven; this was a hypothesis based upon research but still…I simply tossed up the link and said: “Discuss.” I have my own feelings on the matter but I certainly wasn’t going to say “yay” or “nay” on what was given to me.

Not long ago, I received an email from a Book Publisher wanting me to…well, not so much “review” a book but look at as much information as I could and basically “promote” it on my blog. Erm…okay. Now how did this person find me? I was curious and asked another popular blogger if they received the same email. Nope. I wondered if it was some kind of, “find every mental case blogger and send it out!” situation. I have no clue. I still have the email. I am really not in the business of promoting things on my blog. I don’t “endorse” things. Who am I to judge?! However, I researched and it was all legitimate. I am rather afraid to do it. If I do, it may very well open the floodgates, don’t you think?

Now, what I received last night just about made me fall over in a paroxysm of sheer hilarity and uncontrollable laughter. I received an email about how wonderfully I write, my blog is great etc…

…and would I review…

…some type of a pair of glasses!!!

And also provide a link to their site.

I’m sorry. Wha…?

I won’t even proceed further to the blogger that is regularly sending me articles regarding his stance on being anti-med and anti-psychiatry. I do believe in freedom of speech to the core but I’m not going to link to him or blog about that!

I know this is long. I hope you got through it all but I just had to share it. My blogging life just seems to be getting more and more bizarre these days.