Archive for the ‘GLBT’ Category
Or better put I’M a fucking mess.
I had to bust up a relationship for good when I thought I could really, really be friends–which I have never been able to do.
It hurt too much. But this time it will be different.
But this time it will be different. But this time it will be different. How many times have we all said that.
One brutal thing was that I thought I was ending things but things woman had decided it wasn’t going to work at all. It wasn’t with malice though. Two people running around in circles trying not to hurt each other.
Saying goodbyes are not my forte. This was known. So it was even harder. Then the egg on my face once I finally got the words out. No upsetting reaction. Just a yes. That would be best. That clued me in.
If you’re having problems in a relationship and trying to work things out, someone just saying out of nowhere they’re leaving would get a different reaction.
Then my fish…well didn’t really die. He’s very sick so I was watching for signs of deterioration.
Last night he wasn’t really swimming and wouldn’t eat. Shit. Always voracious and always moving.
I was more concerned with how he was feeling. What, from being so ill? Even pain too? Of course he couldn’t tell me, but he came straight to the front of the tank, every time I went to talk to him.
His gills would flip even faster than when ever getting oxygen or anything else. My baby was one happy fish. And I was one proud Mommy.
I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. I’ve been drinking every day, not caring how much. I’m smoking too. Less than the drinking but I still can’t do it.
I did a cutting last night because of everything regarding the above. I haven’t done a cutting in so long. I actually have to stop typing soon as it hurts.
I didn’t even get to sleep. That was great as well.
Now it’s back to withdrawal/detox hell. That will be great as well. Uh, no. I deserve it though.
There’s gonna be a lot of bed and a lot of sickness around here for a while. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a Chernobyl but it’s of my life, not just relationships.
And I’m just a confused little child.
What the fuck is it with me and relationships?
Maybe Chernobyl. *nods*
Like I’ve had a decent one in real life in how many years? Uh. Never mind. But hey! We’re in “the digitital age!”
Why the fuck did I recently hop on an online Dating Site? I have no answer to that. Except stupidity. Maybe lonely, stupidity? Probably, Amnesiac Chernobyl Lonely Confused Hermit Stupidity.
Met LDR. Won’t get into details but sure, looking good. And I knew the hazards of LDRs.
Wonderful woman. It didn’t work out but that’s okay.
I crash and burn with EVERY relationship I’ve ever had. And after it being so long since my last?
Okay. Yes. There it is.
If I don’t post this now, immediately after everything has disappeared, blown up, said, “See ya! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it!”
…waiting to post this would NOT be a good idea. Also, I should grab my Senns to listen to tunes on baby. Waking up everyone on my floor with “break up music” would NOT be a good idea either.
I’m actually okay with it. It’s just the DrAmArAmA that came along with it, because of the nature of the relationship it was (specifically) and then of course how the other person factored in to it–NOT that she caused any DrAmA.
Well, okay. Let’s be real. There’s always DrAmA. However, when you break up with someone?
WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE RULE?
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!
GO FOR THE JUGULAR!!!
PEOPLE! ARE YOU SAVAGES???
The correct answer to the question if any of you even remember *straightens glasses* is this: When you break up with someone, what is the NUMBER ONE RULE? Somebody breaks up with you, you break up with somebody else, an entire relationship in your life goes…
COMPLETELY ROYAL,TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL SAVAGALLY!!!
Okay. *removes glasses and sighs while picking up a glass of water* You’re a tough crowd. And I don’t mean that in a Charlie Chaplin sort of way. No. It would seem that you’re all a bunch of savages from perhaps the Paleolithic Period, have had some horrific relationship endings or both. Let’s try this one more time.
When you break up with someone, OH FUCK ME ALL TO HELL! PLEASE GIVE ME THE RIGHT ANSWER!!! SOMEONE!!!!
Helllooo? Does anybody know? Because let me tell ya what!
YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I’M THE ONE WHO JUST ROMANTICALLY CRASHED AND BURNED!!!
Here’s your obvious answer dimwits! When you break up with someone, whatever, the whole damn thing, what.the.fuck.do.you.do? Rule Number One. And to keep it simple stoopid fer y’all, let’s make it the only rule. Just.One.Rule.
Again, this was a specific type of relationship that honestly? I’d say are about 90% doomed from the start. But why not go for it? Everyone has their reasons. What kind of relationship? Can you read my totally trashed head, but more heart, WTF but NOOOOOOO!!! But wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t we still…..?……why am I surprised? WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Does that clear things up? LDR? Long…Distance…Rel…
Yes. A Long Distance Relationship (aka LDR) that lasted about three months. Actually, almost to the date! So you could very well say three months. Not that it matters. As an Aspie, I have this “number thing.” I like things to be all round and even. It makes me feel all keen and groovy. Balance and Symmetry is a PA Aspie Gig (or one of them.)
Anyway, like this whole thing was going to work? Have a look again at my completely, impossibly, and in no way researched, thus cannot be proven stats, on how many LDRs actually stay alive. I rest my case.
No, I don’t rest my case. The woman knows of my blog. Maybe this post might give her a little laugh. She was engrossed in reading it from the start. For some reason I will never know! *crosses eyes*
It’s just not going to be able to continue due to certain circumstances. That then places us in a different position. Or it did. Would a friendship be possible?
After days and even weeks? I kept chasing my tail (and maybe hers too?) to only come back to the very first answer I had given to her. Right from the start. I wanted to change. I wanted to change every time before. Too. Not to say this woman was any less important than them or her or when and that…..
I can try, but I won’t win. Then nobody wins. I can’t remain friends with my ex-girlfriends/ex-partners. I will probably still be in love with them (or if I “think” I’m not–hello unconscious mind!) That actually has happened! o.O
I am GREENGREENGREEN!!! Oh, Wee PA is SO,SO,GREENGREENGREEN!!! Jealous!Jealous!Jealous!
Not exactly happy about it, but I will admit it. That’s another hurdle. Seeing your ex- with someone else and you sit and watch, gagged sometimes, but inside, YOU ARE SCREAMING!!!
WHY HER? WHY NOT ME? I’M STILL HERE? YOU SAID YOU’D COME BACK?
…oh, yes……she’s very nice……….i’…i’m….i…iii….i’m….vv….very….hhapppy for y…ou.
“Yes, she’s very nice. I’m very happy for you.” *forces forward awkward smile and forces backward awkward tears*
So, even though we’re all different, why should I not be so different? “Let not our differences separate us!” Or something like that. Maybe someone even said that at some period throughout history. Just with much more eloquence.
I also wonder a lot why the posts aren’t so “different” on their own. It’s like a 50/50 division has been made. It’s either, “Christmas is going to be so Jolly and Gay (not in a sexual way, but…well…?) Then, it appears to be the exact opposite. The other side find Christmas absolute torture! Completely abhorrent! They’d run out and start committing arson, except they’re lying in bed, too depressed to move.
I believe in both. I don’t judge either. I see both. I might have even participated in both. However, you’ll find me in the latter camp. Christmas and I aren’t exactly good friends. Even acquaintances, for that matter.
Sometimes I’ll know it’s going to be bad in advance. Sometimes I actually know how really bad it will be in advance. It’s the same with a sort of feeling like being ambivalent. Other years, I have no idea what will happen until it just hits.
This year? Oh, fuck me! I think I knew it was going to be UTTERLY, PAINFUL AND HORRID, in the bloody summer! On top of THAT, I’ve started experiencing PTSDTraumaChristmas weeks ago!
They never did this during the last two years I’ve lived in my apartment, but they have a bunch of Christmas lights strung all across our floor’s adjoining patio. I simply thought they were broken. SURPRISE!
They’ve had them on every night for I don’t know how long. Wonderful! I can’t even look out my window now! But I can’t not look out my window as I need to orient myself in terms of space, time, proximity and other physics type stuff.
Hey, I even have a little, red, flashy one in front of my apartment’s window. Great! PTSDTraumaDiscoChristmas!
Tomorrow is Christmas Day in my part of the world (space, time, proximity hehe) and my presence is immensely requested at a party.
If I don’t show up, there will be hell to pay! It’s also going to be HUGE. There goes the sobriety I’ve been working to control. Well, it might make Christmas a bit more Merry!
Until the day after. Boxing Day. I’ll want to squeeze myself into the smallest box I can find, yet still manage to defenestrate me with perfect accuracy…
Right into the middle of the biggest snowbank I can find.
Ah, well. And so it goes. Make it through the week until New Year’s and it’s over!
Follow up to post, written just prior to this. I don’t wish to insult anyone’s intelligence but my own.
Those two months ago? I couldn’t find him? He never called? One of his biggest problems was that he was so insecure about not having a girlfriend. That was a significant part of talk the night I met him.
He kept asking what was he doing wrong. I was thinking absolutely nothing except 20 year olds don’t have much time for English translation and thick accents. I actually was doing a lot of translation for this sweet, little import.
I wanted to propose giving us a chance but I didn’t get one.
At least I gave him a lot more confidence in bed. Seriously. Alcohol Consumption vs. Virginity?
Not that there’s anything wrong with either in the bedroom!
If I ever meet her, I might ask if she’s ever done “this” position with him. Then I’ll know what a good job I did.
I invented the position for me for the first time ever in my life. You need to be a bit of a gymnast.
I hate love. I love love. But I will never be in a relationship, because of things like this happening, and so much more.
Love only screws you anyway, right? Otherwise, we’d all be in these picture perfect relationships (romantic for sure, but friends too?)
Unless for some crazy reason a person wouldn’t want it. This thing, so amazing, magnificent and beautiful.
It’s there everywhere they look, in the people they see. Their entire environment. But they know it can’t really be seen.
Love can only be seen in a mirror. It’s simply a cheap sideshow. An old one-liner that’s been used for 10 years or so, and it won’t ever change.
It’s schmatte with so many holes in it, you don’t even know why you keep it. Songs and music that surely (well intended) try and artistically interpret the mirror.
No. The music sucks because the bands have started swallowing the mirror. They can no longer sing, nor play their instruments.
Ironically, with so much mirror in, on, whatever about them, you’d think they’d actually now play better! But this only goes to prove my point.
Wake Up, Shake Up. Use a mirror or not. Trust me.
Also, if one person gives me any yin yang business, BE GONE! If anyone else has a problem, find some mahjong tiles and throw them at me?
It wouldn’t be the first time someone didn’t exactly love one of my posts.
Back to bed. More loss of love is happening. Due to every mental inch of me. This falls under my hate of love part.
Posted via WordPress Application for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.
Okay. So I’m gay. But I have slept with men. And I did sleep with one recently. Why?
Because of him. Just him. I think I’m almost in love with him. Well, that sounds a little silly and juvenile, but it’s meant to get the point across a bit?
I wrote about this before but I’m on my mobile with my shit WP app so no linking. Category?
I “lost” him after we first met but “found” him again. Silly me. I gave him my mobile number but never got his. He works crazy hours, but still nothing.
What did I do wrong?
Now that I found him? He told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s more insecure than me!
I don’t know what’s going on. Ironically I responded to a comment on my blog today basically saying to hell with labels.
I don’t care about that at all right now! Just my feelings.
And if we are going to have sex we have to deal with my fibroids. When we did, I bled and was in severe pain for two days afterward.
So, hey. Maybe I’ll be dating a guy? Or we’ll just be really intimate friends.
It doesn’t help that he’s fucking gorgeous too. Like “Model Gorgeous.”
But his other traits cancel that out completely.
How do I find myself in these situations of the heart over and over again?
Posted via WordPress Application for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.
Please read this post as it is an urgent, “Breaking News” update!
I mentioned that I had been passing messages back and forth to a bartender (at the bar the guy and I hang out regularly.)
This bartender is like a brother (a very older one!) a father, a total goofball like me. He’s my bodyguard, a lifeguard, and obviously someone I can trust.
I tried to keep things cool. He played things cool, but between us both knowing each other so well? Me constantly asking about my Croatian friend? At times, I’m sure I looked quite desperate.
The guy hasn’t come back here since the night we met. Odd behaviour for a “regular?”
I’ve practised enough CBT on myself to know what THIS means. Or THAT means?
What do you think?
Cheers! *raises Vodka*
How pathetic is this? Waiting around in a bar for nights when you’ll probably never see him again. I’m actually waiting for him here right now as I type this.
He hasn’t called but that’s the painful part (I’ll get to it–more than a one night stand–pathetic…well, no…?)
Looking around the neighbourhood everywhere you go, doing double, triple, endless takes? If you see someone vaguely resembling him, you have to stifle yourself for actually screaming out his name?
Let me take you back in time a bit. On October 23, 2013 PA took a guy home with her. Surprisingly to both us (I believe!) we had sex.
Now, it is not the first time PA has had sex with guys since she proclaimed herself “gay.” She also hates labels and could go on and on about that. It was just “easier” to label herself that way. Men didn’t “do it” for her on so many levels.
And they’ve never given her an orgasm when having sex. This guy…? Oy!
This “guy.” Totally different (and forget the orgasm where I did have to become a bit of a gymnast.) I hate the word “connection” but a bond and a serious sense of intimacy was formed that night. And I was not “played” in any way. Too many variables and the biggest was that he was Croatian and his English was not very good! I spent a lot of time translating!
But what hurts? The phone call. To be serious friends because we both didn’t really have any. That was pre-arranged before the sex had even existed; not even on the map because the map didn’t even exist itself. The call was for friendship, which he shyly said he would do. Call me for that.
I’m not being selfish. I’m worried about what the hell he’s thinking. Am I being selfish in what the hell he’s thinking? It is of me. Because that is what it all comes down to. All is silent because he’s thinking of me–or at least the two of us.
A friend I met online told me to just let it go. When you get into one night stands and even stranger danger sex, that’s just how it works. It sucks, but that’s how it goes. She knew I was in a lot of pain over it.
Well, the healing process is a bit slow going. Here I am feeling like this. The Lowest of The Low. Begging for scraps in the streets or gutters. Have I reached “Stalker Status?” I’ve already left several messages with a trusted bartender (he and I are both regulars here.)
I woke up crying over him today. Why? *pauses to go for a cigarette while obsessing if he’ll come in tonight*
I don’t know. I guess for me. Not in worry about him. Like my friend said, “Let it go.”
If we cross paths again (we live not far from each other) then we can talk. Otherwise, don’t expect any calls or txts.
“Let it go.”
Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it. Do whatever feels right. But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!
Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people. And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority. For me, it’s always been that way. I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s. Bar None!
A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger. By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body. Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.
I have Dissociative Amnesia. It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders. Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two. It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs* Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?
So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge. Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.
The next day, I managed to calm down a bit. Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess. I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.” Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.
So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin. Or it could be twins. Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am. It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!
Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc. There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!
When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake. You lost a part of you. A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine. Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA. Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)
Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us. It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful. Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.
Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it. I found it. I found “them.” Or at least as many of them as I could remember. All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing… In being a Womb Twin Survivor. I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)
One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins. What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?
I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue. I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about. That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?
They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!
They told me nothing. Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter. In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change. The twins and DID? I’ve said this before. Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.
They told me to look for the signs. Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual. I have something representing each one of them. All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”