Archive for the ‘GLBT’ Category
So, even though we’re all different, why should I not be so different? “Let not our differences separate us!” Or something like that. Maybe someone even said that at some period throughout history. Just with much more eloquence.
I also wonder a lot why the posts aren’t so “different” on their own. It’s like a 50/50 division has been made. It’s either, “Christmas is going to be so Jolly and Gay (not in a sexual way, but…well…?) Then, it appears to be the exact opposite. The other side find Christmas absolute torture! Completely abhorrent! They’d run out and start committing arson, except they’re lying in bed, too depressed to move.
I believe in both. I don’t judge either. I see both. I might have even participated in both. However, you’ll find me in the latter camp. Christmas and I aren’t exactly good friends. Even acquaintances, for that matter.
Sometimes I’ll know it’s going to be bad in advance. Sometimes I actually know how really bad it will be in advance. It’s the same with a sort of feeling like being ambivalent. Other years, I have no idea what will happen until it just hits.
This year? Oh, fuck me! I think I knew it was going to be UTTERLY, PAINFUL AND HORRID, in the bloody summer! On top of THAT, I’ve started experiencing PTSDTraumaChristmas weeks ago!
They never did this during the last two years I’ve lived in my apartment, but they have a bunch of Christmas lights strung all across our floor’s adjoining patio. I simply thought they were broken. SURPRISE!
They’ve had them on every night for I don’t know how long. Wonderful! I can’t even look out my window now! But I can’t not look out my window as I need to orient myself in terms of space, time, proximity and other physics type stuff.
Hey, I even have a little, red, flashy one in front of my apartment’s window. Great! PTSDTraumaDiscoChristmas!
Tomorrow is Christmas Day in my part of the world (space, time, proximity hehe) and my presence is immensely requested at a party.
If I don’t show up, there will be hell to pay! It’s also going to be HUGE. There goes the sobriety I’ve been working to control. Well, it might make Christmas a bit more Merry!
Until the day after. Boxing Day. I’ll want to squeeze myself into the smallest box I can find, yet still manage to defenestrate me with perfect accuracy…
Right into the middle of the biggest snowbank I can find.
Ah, well. And so it goes. Make it through the week until New Year’s and it’s over!
Follow up to post, written just prior to this. I don’t wish to insult anyone’s intelligence but my own.
Those two months ago? I couldn’t find him? He never called? One of his biggest problems was that he was so insecure about not having a girlfriend. That was a significant part of talk the night I met him.
He kept asking what was he doing wrong. I was thinking absolutely nothing except 20 year olds don’t have much time for English translation and thick accents. I actually was doing a lot of translation for this sweet, little import.
I wanted to propose giving us a chance but I didn’t get one.
At least I gave him a lot more confidence in bed. Seriously. Alcohol Consumption vs. Virginity?
Not that there’s anything wrong with either in the bedroom!
If I ever meet her, I might ask if she’s ever done “this” position with him. Then I’ll know what a good job I did.
I invented the position for me for the first time ever in my life. You need to be a bit of a gymnast.
I hate love. I love love. But I will never be in a relationship, because of things like this happening, and so much more.
Love only screws you anyway, right? Otherwise, we’d all be in these picture perfect relationships (romantic for sure, but friends too?)
Unless for some crazy reason a person wouldn’t want it. This thing, so amazing, magnificent and beautiful.
It’s there everywhere they look, in the people they see. Their entire environment. But they know it can’t really be seen.
Love can only be seen in a mirror. It’s simply a cheap sideshow. An old one-liner that’s been used for 10 years or so, and it won’t ever change.
It’s schmatte with so many holes in it, you don’t even know why you keep it. Songs and music that surely (well intended) try and artistically interpret the mirror.
No. The music sucks because the bands have started swallowing the mirror. They can no longer sing, nor play their instruments.
Ironically, with so much mirror in, on, whatever about them, you’d think they’d actually now play better! But this only goes to prove my point.
Wake Up, Shake Up. Use a mirror or not. Trust me.
Also, if one person gives me any yin yang business, BE GONE! If anyone else has a problem, find some mahjong tiles and throw them at me?
It wouldn’t be the first time someone didn’t exactly love one of my posts.
Back to bed. More loss of love is happening. Due to every mental inch of me. This falls under my hate of love part.
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Okay. So I’m gay. But I have slept with men. And I did sleep with one recently. Why?
Because of him. Just him. I think I’m almost in love with him. Well, that sounds a little silly and juvenile, but it’s meant to get the point across a bit?
I wrote about this before but I’m on my mobile with my shit WP app so no linking. Category?
I “lost” him after we first met but “found” him again. Silly me. I gave him my mobile number but never got his. He works crazy hours, but still nothing.
What did I do wrong?
Now that I found him? He told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s more insecure than me!
I don’t know what’s going on. Ironically I responded to a comment on my blog today basically saying to hell with labels.
I don’t care about that at all right now! Just my feelings.
And if we are going to have sex we have to deal with my fibroids. When we did, I bled and was in severe pain for two days afterward.
So, hey. Maybe I’ll be dating a guy? Or we’ll just be really intimate friends.
It doesn’t help that he’s fucking gorgeous too. Like “Model Gorgeous.”
But his other traits cancel that out completely.
How do I find myself in these situations of the heart over and over again?
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Please read this post as it is an urgent, “Breaking News” update!
I mentioned that I had been passing messages back and forth to a bartender (at the bar the guy and I hang out regularly.)
This bartender is like a brother (a very older one!) a father, a total goofball like me. He’s my bodyguard, a lifeguard, and obviously someone I can trust.
I tried to keep things cool. He played things cool, but between us both knowing each other so well? Me constantly asking about my Croatian friend? At times, I’m sure I looked quite desperate.
The guy hasn’t come back here since the night we met. Odd behaviour for a “regular?”
I’ve practised enough CBT on myself to know what THIS means. Or THAT means?
What do you think?
Cheers! *raises Vodka*
How pathetic is this? Waiting around in a bar for nights when you’ll probably never see him again. I’m actually waiting for him here right now as I type this.
He hasn’t called but that’s the painful part (I’ll get to it–more than a one night stand–pathetic…well, no…?)
Looking around the neighbourhood everywhere you go, doing double, triple, endless takes? If you see someone vaguely resembling him, you have to stifle yourself for actually screaming out his name?
Let me take you back in time a bit. On October 23, 2013 PA took a guy home with her. Surprisingly to both us (I believe!) we had sex.
Now, it is not the first time PA has had sex with guys since she proclaimed herself “gay.” She also hates labels and could go on and on about that. It was just “easier” to label herself that way. Men didn’t “do it” for her on so many levels.
And they’ve never given her an orgasm when having sex. This guy…? Oy!
This “guy.” Totally different (and forget the orgasm where I did have to become a bit of a gymnast.) I hate the word “connection” but a bond and a serious sense of intimacy was formed that night. And I was not “played” in any way. Too many variables and the biggest was that he was Croatian and his English was not very good! I spent a lot of time translating!
But what hurts? The phone call. To be serious friends because we both didn’t really have any. That was pre-arranged before the sex had even existed; not even on the map because the map didn’t even exist itself. The call was for friendship, which he shyly said he would do. Call me for that.
I’m not being selfish. I’m worried about what the hell he’s thinking. Am I being selfish in what the hell he’s thinking? It is of me. Because that is what it all comes down to. All is silent because he’s thinking of me–or at least the two of us.
A friend I met online told me to just let it go. When you get into one night stands and even stranger danger sex, that’s just how it works. It sucks, but that’s how it goes. She knew I was in a lot of pain over it.
Well, the healing process is a bit slow going. Here I am feeling like this. The Lowest of The Low. Begging for scraps in the streets or gutters. Have I reached “Stalker Status?” I’ve already left several messages with a trusted bartender (he and I are both regulars here.)
I woke up crying over him today. Why? *pauses to go for a cigarette while obsessing if he’ll come in tonight*
I don’t know. I guess for me. Not in worry about him. Like my friend said, “Let it go.”
If we cross paths again (we live not far from each other) then we can talk. Otherwise, don’t expect any calls or txts.
“Let it go.”
Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it. Do whatever feels right. But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!
Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people. And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority. For me, it’s always been that way. I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s. Bar None!
A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger. By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body. Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.
I have Dissociative Amnesia. It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders. Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two. It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs* Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?
So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge. Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.
The next day, I managed to calm down a bit. Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess. I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.” Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.
So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin. Or it could be twins. Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am. It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!
Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc. There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!
When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake. You lost a part of you. A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine. Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA. Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)
Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us. It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful. Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.
Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it. I found it. I found “them.” Or at least as many of them as I could remember. All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing… In being a Womb Twin Survivor. I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)
One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins. What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?
I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue. I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about. That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?
They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!
They told me nothing. Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter. In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change. The twins and DID? I’ve said this before. Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.
They told me to look for the signs. Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual. I have something representing each one of them. All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”
Today is day 6/7 as I’m not done with the day yet.
Even though Dr. PA is not a real Dr. do not do this. It may sound hypocritical but I do have the medical knowledge. I’ve done this with my epilepsy meds before. Non-Arsey Neuro is totally on board with it if I can’t get to him fast enough. Hell, when I yanked The Evil Depakene completely, he didn’t even care and said it was exactly what I should have done!
Let’s review my med changes if you didn’t see the original post:
1 100mg Topamax 3x daily
1 150mg Lamictal 2x daily
The “Hang On To Your Hats New Doses”
3 100mg Topamax 3x daily
2 150mg Lamictal 2x daily
I’ve been working on an aggressive, yet gentle taper prn, as things have been getting a bit (a bit?) insane. Meaning, if I’m still insane and not feeling better, I’ll slowly go back down to my regular dose (or what feels right.) I won’t yank since I’ve been blasted so quickly. I was actually wondering if the pharmacy made a mistake!!! They have been known to make mistakes before.
So, back to my current taper. I’ve actually been able to identify what happens (i.e. disgusting illness and whacked out shit) related to the med dose schedules and the meds themselves. Thus, kick one of those pills out the door when the problem occurs.
For example, this has NEVER occurred in my life with a med change! My daily divided dose of the Topamax in the afternoon made me puke SO MUCH, it kept on going until my stomach realized my intestines were too firmly attached internally. There was no possibility they could removed. I am a total Emetophobe. I don’t heave. Unless it’s something REALLY, REALLY BAD!
That required a definite change (kick one of the pills out the door!) I stopped barfing the next day. The puking required the trip to hospital seen above. No med changes but HELP THIS GIRL!!! Rehydration (BIG Bolus of saline, then half of a smaller) Toradol (NSAID) and Gravol in a wee Bolus. He gave me short acting Gravol too, the bastard! IV Gravol is sooooooo goooooood… *recalls happy daze of past*
There was another issue with my eyes as stated above. The two doses of Lamictal made my eyes spin 360 degrees in their sockets within minutes, MINUTES(!) of taking the pills. Alright, kick the morning dose of one pill out the door! I can see pretty well now. *laughing*
I spoke to Non-Arsey Neuro and he said it was fine to do all I did. If any more problems come up, keep doing it. I said I’d stick with it all for a few days more and if everything is still ridiculous, we’ll work on it. I would prefer a taper. I honestly DO need these meds (at really high doses) as ridiculous as that sounds. I don’t want to go back to the very beginning.
They are two meds, of which I can count on one hand, that can be used for the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus (and my case is extreme!) Plus, they control my Bipolar!
I’ve also probably been Cycling since the beginning as well! It’s just nobody knew! And we’re talking BP I Cycling! I’m BP II. It only took so long for it all to come exploding out! BP I all over the place! I won’t even tell you how much trouble I was getting into and where I was headed!
I fucked up too! I stopped smoking! For those not in the know, some people with epilepsy MUST smoke as if it’s a drug and need a slow (or proper) taper to quit. I kid thee not.
I found this out the hard way several months ago when I tried to quit cold turkey. I had done that a few times in my life without incident, so hey! Let’s give it a go this time!
Quick research and ’tis true. People with epilepsy have more nicotine receptors than you can imagine, opposed to those who are epilepsy-free. Quitting smoking for some can lead to disastrous results! I ran out of the house, bought a pack of cigarettes, and as soon as I started smoking my brain calmed right down.
How crazy! I actually have to smoke every day! I’d like to quit, but I’m trying to stop drinking too. Now we’ve got this business? *laughing* But I think making these changes will help somehow. I just have this feeling about it.
I’ll leave you with one last note as well. Maybe a really good test, even if I’m still out of my mind? I’m in one of my Typical Absence Status Epilepticus phases now. The cause for mine is catamenial (getting your period and for me ovulation as well–that sucks.) I believe I should be getting my period quite soon? *laughs even more*
Oh, all of you
insane wonderful INSANE people that have started following my blog, giving me a “Like” on my posts etc. I’m just trying to get around to checking you out now, but I’m facing an avalanche!
I’m Bookmarking your Blogs when I see what wonderful things you toss off (sorry, had to write that for my new UK readers!)
I’m also trying to find out if you’re on Twitter so I can follow you. I’ve got a lot of work to do. A lot. Perhaps a decade or so to do it all? Maybe a bit less.
Still, thanks to all of you. It means so much that there are so many of you out there who want to read my…
Things that I type that are worth much more less than piss and puke.
A “mala” is similar to a Catholic Rosary. It can be used to count (not literally, you’re meditating!) your recitations, or sometimes just run through the beads in order to try and clear your mind and keep you grounded.
I have one but had completely forgotten it as I bought it years ago. I found it when I was looking for my Pride Rings (also bought years ago.) As soon as I saw it, WHOOP! Strait back on the wrist! There are larger ones, of course.
I have to be very, very careful with my mala now! I’ve lost weight from being sick and it very easily can slide right off me. In fact, I need a new Medic-Alert bracelet and have to change its size as well.
Alright. So, not long ago, I was taking off one of my hoodies and CRAP! Although, I heard it fall. Somewhere.
A few days ago, I turned my entire apartment upside down, inside out, all over (well more than it already is) in search of MY PRECIOUS MALA!!! I didn’t find it. I did the same thing the next day. Then I did it again the next day. It was starting to make me go out of my mind.
Then I realized something I had forgotten. When it first fell off, I knew it was in my apartment. I was not exactly happy I couldn’t find it, but I was not exactly surprised as this wasn’t the first time it had fallen off. I said to myself, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s in here somewhere. It’ll turn up eventually.”
Boy, did I ever see when I realized I had temporarily forgotten that. It was then I learned the lesson.
If you lose something in your life that is so very important, or if you’re desperately seeking something that has such importance as well? DON’T DO WHAT I DID TO MY APARTMENT! *laughing* No, I am being serious. Try to be kind, gentle and patient surrounding whatever the issue. Even better, go back to what I “forgot.” The notion that I knew it was “somewhere” and eventually it would be found. Then, I “forgot” in another way. I forgot about my mala completely.
I’m not saying “forgetting” what you are so bound to (even with intense emotional ties attached) will be easy. It can be difficult to take any single thought and set it aside at times. Even being “kind, gentle and patient” to a stranger can make us all want to explode at points.
I’m also not saying that you will get exactly what you are seeking either. That might make you disappointed. However, by doing the above, what have you got to lose? As a matter of fact, you have everything to gain! You may end up with other very important things being dropped in your lap that you never would have imagined.
I’m going to leave you with another said “lesson.” Hell, it’s not like I’m some Guru or anything! You could all think this is a big load of crap! Nonetheless.
I woke up in a foul mood today. In fact, I was foul last night as well. I was so angry! We all get angry, but why? I’m not asking you for actual specifics, I want you to ponder something else. However, the specifics fit in as why would you be angry? Let us not dispense with logic when discussing philosophy! *smirks*
When you are angry at something (and I definitely think when it applies to someone) stop and think for a minute. And as above, TRY. In your burning flames of pure ire…well, okay. Stop for a minute. Perhaps what you’re mad about has nothing to do with the situation and the individual involved. Perhaps it’s actually you who is mad at yourself surrounding the entire situation.