Archive for the ‘GLBT’ Category

I am a HUGE believer in Free Speech.  I think all of you readers should know that by now.

However, I refuse to (unless I just can’t help it when extremely ranty?) write things that are snarky and uncalled for, regarding someone in my personal life.

I know.  Can it, or is it a fine line?

Thus, every piece of “Dirty Laundry” is not being washed and dried, it’s been thrown into the trash.  Moreover, every Post that was related to said “Dirty Laundry” has been deleted, lest one.  A reference was was changed because I wanted to keep the Post up.

That is the most deleting I have EVER done on my Blog–that has somehow survived nine bloody years! Don’t ask me how that’s happened!

But I had to do it and I did.

Yes, changes.  Many.

Something in my Non-PA life didn’t work out.  Very sad.  Time to grieve.  Again with so many other things, so many other times in my life.

My Addiction for alcohol has done a total 180 degrees! I’d been away for a long time from the Group Sessions. That was due to yet another hospitalization from Pneumonia.

That was the fourth time back to Isolation.  Fevers so high, I could die! Fun stuff.

Although this fourth time, I was admitted to Respiratory Department.  But after discharge, Sweetie GP said there was nothing we could do was bedrest (again!) until I felt better.  That was about a month.

So a long time away from the Addition Program! Now things have changed and not to my liking.

No more Group.  As in you, or people, get together and talk.  I’ve always hated those things but surprisingly, this time I liked it.  Great.

After spending enough time there, the next step was to have your doctor fill out a very large form.  That was to begin the Inpatient Program in hospital.  Some people do it Outpatient but Sweetie GP and I know I must go Inpatient.

I must start this now if the Group Sessions aren’t happening anymore.  God, one of the questions on the form is if I can stay sober for a week.  I can’t.  If I can’t, I get tossed into Detox first.

And how fucked up is this? They say they will taper you off benzos.  Excuse me.  Benzos are “generally” used in Detox to calm your freakin’ ass down?

Unless maybe you’re addicted to benzos.  That would make sense for a taper.

Well, there’s a huge FUCK YOU CAVEAT for me.  I’ll push it to the limit everywhere if I have to.  They can’t take away and of your medically prescribed drugs.  I take Valium!

prn, mind you but if I need it, I need it.  I’ve Detoxed at home and I get so screwy, I forget to take it when it calms me down.  I also need it for insomnia.

I seem to have gotten a little riled up here.  Don’t you think? There’s more I can say that are maybe positive.  Maybe?

CODA: I saw my Therapist today and have never been so Aspie spazzy EVER. Foetal ball in waiting room uncontrollably bawling, lying on the kid’s bed holding a Teddy Bear crying for the appointment.  Then stimming like a volcano on Accessible Transit on the way home.

I’ll just have to wait and see for now.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Two Words

A few more.






Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Or better put I’M a fucking mess.

I had to bust up a relationship for good when I thought I could really, really be friends–which I have never been able to do.

It hurt too much. But this time it will be different.

But this time it will be different. But this time it will be different. How many times have we all said that.

One brutal thing was that I thought I was ending things but things woman had decided it wasn’t going to work at all.  It wasn’t with malice though. Two people running around in circles trying not to hurt each other.

Saying goodbyes are not my forte. This was known. So it was even harder. Then the egg on my face once I finally got the words out. No upsetting reaction. Just a yes. That would be best. That clued me in.

If you’re having problems in a relationship and trying to work things out, someone just saying out of nowhere they’re leaving would get a different reaction.

Then my fish…well didn’t really die.  He’s very sick so I was watching for signs of deterioration.

Last night he wasn’t really swimming and wouldn’t eat. Shit. Always voracious and always moving.

I was more concerned with how he was feeling. What, from being so ill? Even pain too? Of course he couldn’t tell me, but he came straight to the front of the tank, every time I went to talk to him.

His gills would flip even faster than when ever getting oxygen or anything else. My baby was one happy fish. And I was one proud Mommy.

I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. I’ve been drinking every day, not caring how much. I’m smoking too. Less than the drinking but I still can’t do it.

I did a cutting last night because of everything regarding the above. I haven’t done a cutting in so long. I actually have to stop typing soon as it hurts.

I didn’t even get to sleep. That was great as well.

Now it’s back to withdrawal/detox hell. That will be great as well. Uh, no. I deserve it though.

There’s gonna be a lot of bed and a lot of sickness around here for a while. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a Chernobyl but it’s of my life, not just relationships.

And I’m just a confused little child.

What the fuck is it with me and relationships?


Maybe Chernobyl. *nods*

Like I’ve had a decent one in real life in how many years? Uh.  Never mind.  But hey! We’re in “the digitital age!”

Why the fuck did I recently hop on an online Dating Site? I have no answer to that.  Except stupidity.  Maybe lonely, stupidity? Probably, Amnesiac Chernobyl Lonely Confused Hermit Stupidity.


Met LDR.  Won’t get into details but sure, looking good.  And I knew the hazards of LDRs. 

Wonderful woman.  It didn’t work out but that’s okay.

I crash and burn with EVERY relationship I’ve ever had.  And after it being so long since my last?

‘Nuff said.


Okay.  Yes.  There it is.

If I don’t post this now, immediately after everything has disappeared, blown up, said, “See ya! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it!”

…waiting to post this would NOT be a good idea. Also, I should grab my Senns to listen to tunes on baby.  Waking up everyone on my floor with “break up music” would NOT be a good idea either.

I’m actually okay with it.  It’s just the DrAmArAmthat came along with it, because of the nature of the relationship it was (specifically) and then of course how the other person factored in to it–NOT that she caused any DrAmA.  

Well, okay.  Let’s be real.  There’s always DrAmA.  However, when you break up with someone?






The correct answer to the question if any of you even remember *straightens glasses* is this: When you break up with someone, what is the NUMBER ONE RULE? Somebody breaks up with you, you break up with somebody else, an entire relationship in your life goes…


Okay. *removes glasses and sighs while picking up a glass of water*  You’re a tough crowd.  And I don’t mean that in a Charlie Chaplin sort of way.  No.  It would seem that you’re all a bunch of savages from perhaps the Paleolithic Period, have had some horrific relationship endings or both.  Let’s try this one more time.

When you break up with someone, OH FUCK ME ALL TO HELL! PLEASE GIVE ME THE RIGHT ANSWER!!! SOMEONE!!!!  

Helllooo? Does anybody know? Because let me tell ya what!


Here’s your obvious answer dimwits! When you break up with someone, whatever, the whole damn thing,  Rule Number One.  And to keep it simple stoopid fer y’all, let’s make it the only rule.  Just.One.Rule.


Again, this was a specific type of relationship that honestly? I’d say are about 90% doomed from the start.  But why not go for it? Everyone has their reasons.  What kind of relationship? Can you read my totally trashed head, but more heart, WTF but NOOOOOOO!!! But wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t we still…..?……why am I surprised? WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!




Does that clear things up? LDR? Long…Distance…Rel…

Yes.  A Long Distance Relationship (aka LDR) that lasted about three months.  Actually, almost to the date! So you could very well say three months.  Not that it matters.  As an Aspie, I have this “number thing.”  I like things to be all round and even.  It makes me feel all keen and groovy.  Balance and Symmetry is a PA Aspie Gig (or one of them.)

Anyway, like this whole thing was going to work? Have a look again at my completely, impossibly, and in no way researched, thus cannot be proven stats, on how many LDRs actually stay alive.  I rest my case.

No, I don’t rest my case.  The woman knows of my blog.  Maybe this post might give her a little laugh.  She was engrossed in reading it from the start.  For some reason I will never know! *crosses eyes*

It’s just not going to be able to continue due to certain circumstances.  That then places us in a different position.  Or it did.  Would a friendship be possible?

After days and even weeks? I kept chasing my tail (and maybe hers too?) to only come back to the very first answer I had given to her.  Right from the start.  I wanted to change.  I wanted to change every time before.  Too.  Not to say this woman was any less important than them or her or when and that…..

I can try, but I won’t win.  Then nobody wins.  I can’t remain friends with my ex-girlfriends/ex-partners.  I will probably still be in love with them (or if I “think” I’m not–hello unconscious mind!) That actually has happened! o.O

I am GREENGREENGREEN!!! Oh, Wee PA is SO,SO,GREENGREENGREEN!!! Jealous!Jealous!Jealous! 

Not exactly happy about it, but I will admit it.  That’s another hurdle.  Seeing your ex- with someone else and you sit and watch, gagged sometimes, but inside, YOU ARE SCREAMING!!!


…oh, yes……she’s very nice……….i’…i’m….i…iii….i’m….vv….very….hhapppy for y…ou.

“Yes, she’s very nice.  I’m very happy for you.” *forces forward awkward smile and forces backward awkward tears*

So, even though we’re all different, why should I not be so different? “Let not our differences separate us!” Or something like that.  Maybe someone even said that at some period throughout history.  Just with much more eloquence.

I also wonder a lot why the posts aren’t so “different” on their own. It’s like a 50/50 division has been made.  It’s either, “Christmas is going to be so Jolly and Gay (not in a sexual way, but…well…?) Then, it appears to be the exact opposite.  The other side find Christmas absolute torture! Completely abhorrent! They’d run out and start committing arson, except they’re lying in bed, too depressed to move.

I believe in both.  I don’t judge either.  I see both.  I might have even participated in both.  However, you’ll find me in the latter camp.  Christmas and I aren’t exactly good friends.  Even acquaintances, for that matter.

Sometimes I’ll know it’s going to be bad in advance.  Sometimes I actually know how really bad it will be in advance.  It’s the same with a sort of feeling like being ambivalent.  Other years, I have no idea what will happen until it just hits.

This year? Oh, fuck me! I think I knew it was going to be UTTERLY, PAINFUL AND HORRID, in the bloody summer! On top of THAT, I’ve started experiencing PTSDTraumaChristmas weeks ago!

They never did this during the last two years I’ve lived in my apartment, but they have a bunch of Christmas lights strung all across our floor’s adjoining patio.  I simply thought they were broken.  SURPRISE! 

They’ve had them on every night for I don’t know how long. Wonderful! I can’t even look out my window now! But I can’t not look out my window as I need to orient myself in terms of space, time, proximity and other physics type stuff.

Hey, I even have a little, red, flashy one in front of my apartment’s window.  Great! PTSDTraumaDiscoChristmas!

Tomorrow is Christmas Day in my part of the world (space, time, proximity hehe) and my presence is immensely requested at a party.

If I don’t show up, there will be hell to pay! It’s also going to be HUGE.  There goes the sobriety I’ve been working to control.  Well, it might make Christmas a bit more Merry!

Until the day after.  Boxing Day.  I’ll want to squeeze myself into the smallest box I can find, yet still manage to defenestrate me with perfect accuracy…

Right into the middle of the biggest snowbank I can find.

Ah, well.  And so it goes.  Make it through the week until New Year’s and it’s over!

Yes.  I seem to have developed a bad habit here.  I keep writing posts and not responding to my commenters!!! It’s starting to make me go a bit over the edge now.  I was never like this.

The problem is, for a long time I’ve only been able to let my brain go wherever it wants–even if it’s only a single centimeter across my bed. Well, actually that would be a single centimeter across my head.  I don’t know if it’s really fallen out of my head (yet.)  Maybe my brain leaks out when I’m sleeping?

I’ve got to see Non-Arsey Neuro today, then a lot of running around in what seems to be a relatively milder day.  Snow melting? Although, I have mastered “Safe Cane Winter Walking.”  I use my cane like a blind person touching the ground back and forth, even though I can see (just not so well what lies below.)

Okay.  That’s good.  That’s BAD!!! No ice hidden under that patch of snow…etc.

When I get back from here, there and nowhere, finish unloading bags and bags of heavy things (that will take me several trips to pick up.)  Hopefully no broken limbs from a misstep, then a bit of a rest? I WILL get back to all of my outstanding comments from people!!!

And “That Guy?” Just forget about him! I already have! It’s not like I was in love with him or anything! I’ve got “oe love” and that’s much more important! So there, “That Guy!”

No, not even a “So there!” I’m am very happy for him since he was so insecure about finding someone.  I really DO hope it works out because he is “Sweet Guy!” Not “That Guy.”

Follow up to post, written just prior to this. I don’t wish to insult anyone’s intelligence but my own.

Those two months ago? I couldn’t find him? He never called? One of his biggest problems was that he was so insecure about not having a girlfriend. That was a significant part of talk the night I met him.

He kept asking what was he doing wrong.  I was thinking absolutely nothing except 20 year olds don’t have much time for English translation and thick accents. I actually was doing a lot of translation for this sweet, little import.

I wanted to propose giving us a chance but I didn’t get one.

At least I gave him a lot more confidence in bed. Seriously. Alcohol Consumption vs. Virginity?

Not that there’s anything wrong with either in the bedroom!

If I ever meet her, I might ask if she’s ever done “this” position with him. Then I’ll know what a good job I did.

I invented the position for me for the first time ever in my life. You need to be a bit of a gymnast.

I hate love. I love love. But I will never be in a relationship, because of things like this happening, and so much more.

Love only screws you anyway, right? Otherwise, we’d all be in these picture perfect relationships (romantic for sure, but friends too?)

Unless for some crazy reason a person wouldn’t want it. This thing, so amazing, magnificent and beautiful.


It’s there everywhere they look, in the people they see.  Their entire environment. But they know it can’t really be seen.

Love can only be seen in a mirror. It’s simply a cheap sideshow. An old one-liner that’s been used for 10 years or so, and it won’t ever change.

It’s schmatte with so many holes in it, you don’t even know why you keep it. Songs and music that surely (well intended) try and artistically interpret the mirror.

No. The music sucks because the bands have started swallowing the mirror. They can no longer sing, nor play their instruments.

Ironically, with so much mirror in, on, whatever about them, you’d think they’d actually now play better! But this only goes to prove my point.

Wake Up, Shake Up. Use a mirror or not. Trust me.

Also, if one person gives me any yin yang business, BE GONE! If anyone else has a problem, find some mahjong tiles and throw them at me?

It wouldn’t be the first time someone didn’t exactly love one of my posts.

Back to bed. More loss of love is happening. Due to every mental inch of me. This falls under my hate of love part.

Posted via WordPress Application for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.

Okay. So I’m gay. But I have slept with men. And I did sleep with one recently. Why?

Because of him. Just him. I think I’m almost in love with him. Well, that sounds a little silly and juvenile, but it’s meant to get the point across a bit?

I wrote about this before but I’m on my mobile with my shit WP app so no linking. Category?

I “lost” him after we first met but “found” him again. Silly me. I gave him my mobile number but never got his. He works crazy hours, but still nothing.

What did I do wrong?

Now that I found him? He told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s more insecure than me!

I don’t know what’s going on. Ironically I responded to a comment on my blog today basically saying to hell with labels.

I don’t care about that at all right now! Just my feelings.

And if we are going to have sex we have to deal with my fibroids. When we did, I bled and was in severe pain for two days afterward.

So, hey. Maybe I’ll be dating a guy? Or we’ll just be really intimate friends.

It doesn’t help that he’s fucking gorgeous too. Like “Model Gorgeous.”

But his other traits cancel that out completely.

How do I find myself in these situations of the heart over and over again?

Posted via WordPress Application for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.


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