Try As I May…?

I more or less crafted the post that I wanted to make earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have it in me to write it. I am just so bloody exhausted.

Apologies to the (couple of) comments that are awaiting from my regular readers and an email that is outstanding from someone.

And definite, definite apologies to Tribalnoizes. I don’t know if you are familiar with my blog or not in terms of how I respond to commenters. I always type their names/monikers in bold font. And I usually respond in a timely fashion!

You left a great comment and again, I do want to get back to you–and I will!

Shit.

I want to write the post I had in mind but I feel like I am going to just pass out. Maybe I could post this and try and start writing the one that I really wanted to write? It might me…well, a little longish? And that always requires editing, proofing etc…

However, I need to stay up for a suitable time as my mobile is dead and I need it to wake me up. I need its alarm feature as my alarm clock is broken. I suppose I could just let it charge a little bit? How long for a full charge and how much more sleep will I lose waiting for it to go all the way?

True Confession/s?

I’m not really doing myself any favours when I come home. I’ve been getting a bit soused these days after dealing with “Fix Me Up.” Uh huh. A bit? Gimme a break. With such a high tolerance that has been built up over…hmmm…let’s say at least 15 years of self medication…well, you can imagine how a) it’s easy enough to stroll right through the door, all gilded with gold when stressed and…well, shit…b)? This is kind of funny…

No, it’s NOT. Perhaps funny in an ironic sense but for wee PA who is again, hovering somewhere between 90-100lbs./6.5 Stone let’s approximate for my UK/Irish folks? For a tiny girl, she can belt them back. That is not a good thing.

It’s not good for her bean (and all of her meds.) It’s not good for her being wee (and also her meds–specifically her Anticonvulsants) as it will make her prone to falls! Anticonvusants (generally–well, a lot of the time and especially for PA) can make you/her fucking clumsy! Add copious amounts of alcohol? Hello, face plant.

She’s actually blogged about it before. She has fallen and sustained head injuries (not serious ones.) However, one was bad enough that she had to monitor herself for a fucking concussion!

I’m sorry. What did you just write, PA? And yes, trying to monitor yourself when you live alone if you might have a concussion? No. That’s not good. The major issue is with sleeping. Basically, you might not wake up. Still, Dr. PA was “on call” and knew how to handle herself.

But if any of you out there are on your own and think you may have a concussion, GET YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

I know. I sound like I’m a hypocrite. I am not, however. I know when to go to hospital.

But I digress. Back to me getting all numb from the booze.

And so…the self medication wagon just keeps marching on. Wait. Falling on and off the wagon. I just typed that sentence without even realising the euphemism. I do make unintentional puns all the time–both verbally and in writing.

Okay, it’s almost midnight which means I “deadlined,” again. It also means I should try and get some sleep as I have Merlin #1 tomorrow and should go back to “Fix Me Up.”

I gotta check the charge on my mobile, though. Being so exhausted…I’ll need an alarm to wake me for sure.

Do I Blog “Too Much?”…Plus A New Widget!

feartheseeds offered some some thoughts about my thoughts regarding blogging of late.  He mentioned that trying to use blogging as some sort of support system wasn’t what I was after.  He was right on that point.  I mean, if it happens, it happens.  He also mentioned that I write more than some journalists do and also about deeply personal things–correct.  Also on the link to his site above, he said that he “hit a wall” during bad times and started writing about a lot of stuff and began to dread blogging.  I have been writing a lot of really weird stuff and I have been struggling with things but I’m not done with blogging yet.

But perhaps I do blog an awful lot.

He also mentioned if my blog was self-destructive? I don’t think so.  It’s still a good way to get my thoughts and feelings out and I think that’s a good thing–a very good thing.  I do think as well that I need to try and blog about some other things.  It’s just that not too much in my life is happening! I know…pathetic? Although, I have made some attempts at writing about other things recently.  But I am having some difficulty trying to get back to enjoying things that I once did and concentration is a big problem.  I don’t know if the ADD is completely out of control or what but I just can’t get it together.  I don’t feel like I’m cycling.

I wrote in a recent post about “head shit” and how it should be the primary focus of this blog.  Sure, it could very well be but there needs to be more things.  When I went back and started looking at my blog from the beginning, there certainly was more variety but I still wrote a lot about being a psych patient–all of my disorders/illnesses of the head and what not.  That isn’t going to stop.  However, I think there needs to be more?

Perhaps when things get a bit more settled for me there will be but just like everything else in life sometimes you just need more time and a bit of a more balanced perspective.  I am working toward that.

I’ve added a new widget on my right sidebar that is kind of funny and serious at the same time.  It’s my “Sobriety Meter” *laughing*  No, really.  I’ve even added in today despite the fact that the day isn’t even over yet–it’s barely just begun.  But I think counting today anyway will give me more encouragement.  I actually don’t have any plans to drink at all.  But usually I don’t anyway.  It’s all very impulsive and I need to work hard on keeping that in check.  I do need to find better things to occupy my time and perhaps that is why I blog so much.

I can’t decide if I will count “social drinking” as “Sobriety Days” or just ones where I get completely blotto.  But I can’t do that anymore.  Maybe falling down Saturday and banging her head so unbelievably hard finally knocked some sense into PA’s fucked up brain.  True, her legs have failed her before but it’s always been med related.  She’s never fallen when off meds? Don’t think so, anyway.

What a bloody disaster she has become.  Again, I am sort of laughing as I write this.  What choice do I have? There’s no point in beating myself up about it–sorry, bad pun again.  I do feel terrible and embarrassed and all sorts of “bad” things but is that really going to help? No.  It’s over, it happened, I can’t go back in time and change what I did.  But the feelings and my actions may serve as valuable reminders.

My head still hurts today and I’m still a bit nauseous.  Again, a valuable reminder? I don’t want to have to feel this way all the time of course and I’m sure my head will heal–both physically and psychologically over time.  “Cheers,” to that.

To Blog Or Not To Blog And Self-Destruction

I am still struggling with this question.  However, I am still here writing.

Blogging has become a bit of lifeline for me, I think.  A habit.  An addiction.  Now of those three, which are positives and which are negatives? Or do any even warrant such judgment? Could they just simply exist on their own without question?

I apologize for my blog of late.  It may have seemed rather oblique, cryptic or even downright confusing and bizarre.  Yes, it seems like PA’s gone off her rocker a bit? Well, she sort of has.

I know I am supposed to be able to write whatever I want but I don’t believe that is the point here.  I’ve been trying to accomplish something in my, what seem to be, more ridiculous and difficult to understand posts but it is not working.  I don’t think what I want to “accomplish” will ever happen.

It’s time for me to just step back.  If I can.  It’s killing me.

Or rather, I am killing myself? Slowly.  If there was an award for self-destructive behaviour, I would certainly be in the running.  I haven’t consumed this much alcohol and smoked this much dope prior to being medicated.  Granted, it’s not as much as I used to back then but it’s still way too much.

It’s time to step back from that too.

It’s going to take a tremendous amount of willpower to step back from both of these things.  My “addictive personality” is really shining through now.  I could probably get a medal for that as well.

I am reminded of when I was in hospital and I “wished upon a star.”  I got my wish.  Or so I thought.  Did all my desire that was eventually thrust upon the unearthly body really create the result that followed? I don’t think so.

I’ve often said that we have little control over what happens in this world…our lives.  We can control our words, our actions.  That’s about it.  Well, I suppose I can control my words via my blog and my actions by trying to get out of a terribly unhealthy cycle of late.

I think I need to rest now.  I am very tired and not feeling well.  I’m trying to figure out if I’ve suffered a mild concussion.  Probably not but indeed, a good thing skulls are hard?

There’s masochism and then there’s murder.

For Any Canadian Readers…Or If You Have A Big Satellite Dish?

I forgot to post this earlier. I watched this on television last night and it wasn’t bad. If you can, check it out as it’s airing a few more times on Radio-Canada and CBC.

I won’t criticize it too much (or at all!) because…

Spoiler Alert!

Do not read any further if you do not want to know how this documentary ends…simply close your browser and exit my blog now.

Okay.

Ready?

I won’t say much because well…the guy worked as a film/video director and after surviving his injury, he directed this project himself.