Not a Good Start to My Day

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

The Devil in the Bottle Part II

PA, YOU STUPID FUCK.

Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood = ↓

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

It’s the Devil in the Bottle

…that’s all I’m gonna say..

I thought I’d better toss this up now as at least I’m awake.  WTF time did I go to bed last night? I sent someone an email at around 0400hrs and then had something to eat and watched some television.  Good, lord.

So apologies.  I’ll try to get back to your comments today but I don’t know where the hell I may end up between now and midnight (don’t worry, I’m staying home…)  I’m too exhausted to move anyway.  I’m serious.  My entire body is aching, my throat is sore, my head is all stuffy.  So, I’m sorry if you don’t hear from me other than this.  I’m not ignoring you.

I couldn’t make my appointment at “Fix Me Up.”  Now for that, I am truly sorry.  I’m kind of wondering if it even mattered (matters?) that much as everything’s getting all screwy there.  People are taking summer time off and I’m sort of left scratching my head.  Where do I stand? Am I “ready?” Huh…?  I did at least send in my information via email.  My coach said she’d try and get back to me.  You see? I don’t know what’s going on.

I was thinking about going in tomorrow after Merlin #1 but if there’s no one to really speak to or ask questions…  I can’t even think about anything right now.

I can’t deal with this stress bullshit anymore. *PA rolls eyes*

Fucking drinking. *PA rolls eyes again*

I want to kick my genes in the ass (haha…get it?) I know, not funny.  There’s a boatload of alcoholism on my maternal side (like my head lunacy wasn’t enough already?) I don’t know about my bio dad but probably not being a poor man whose family was totally poor as he supported them in Pakistan.  I’ve never met him as I was conceived there and born in Canada.

Anyway, not that I lay all the “blame” on genetic material.  I am responsible for what I do.  I just think it makes it all the damn harder for me to stop once I start.  Nothing has been proven about that rather pointed fact but the theory is definitely out there.  And you certainly can’t dismiss the notion entirely of a genetic component for alcoholism.

Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

Cognitive Distortions and Being Vague on My Blog

On my last post, Brigitte left a comment re: the Cognitive Distortions I was having/feeling and how I was being vague about the details. Let’s see what I can do about this.

As far as being vague on my blog, I responded back that I have done this before, perhaps even purposely. If not purposely, I may have just been rambling (although I didn’t mention this in the comment to her.) As far as doing it in a purposeful manner, I mentioned getting into the five W’s and the H. Now, I don’t always have to do that but I have in the past a fair bit. To do that in some situations, it would lead to revealing far too much. Even though this blog is highly personal, there are some things that will never be revealed on it.

By extension, getting into the five W’s and the H would (or could?) threaten anonymity. This also was not mentioned in the comment but I think it makes sense.

I have found my list of Cognitive Distortions from hospital so we can go through what was going on, if you wish. Interestingly enough, I tend to have a pattern. I tend to feel the same ones. Also, I think we all are well aware of the stress I am under trying to work on getting it together to try and prepare for and gain employment. No doubt that is a huge stressor and stressors like anything else can be a trigger and colour our perception(s.)

I also think logically, it not only colours the perception of the stressor itself but of other things in our lives? Everything is connected in your thought processes. It is not like you can just box everything up in little parcels and stick them away and that is that–no matter how much we wish we could.

In reading some of these verbatim, they could certainly apply to my job situation, no doubt. Others? Well, they could apply to any situation in your life.

NOTE: these are all taken from D. Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook,’ 1999©

And, these are mine, typically; also applicable to last night in varying degrees. There also may have been some “spillover” to the job stress as well, as mentioned above.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.
3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.
4. Jumping to Conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. There are two subcategories to this: Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that somebody is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out. The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.
5. Magnification/Minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other individuals imperfections.) This is also called the “binocular trick.” NOTE: I only apply this to myself, not others.
6. Catastrophizing: You attribute extreme and horrible consequences to the outcome of events. A turn down for a date means a life of utter isolation. Making a mistake at work means being fired for incompetence and never getting another job.
7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
8. “Should” Statements: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” as if you need to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct “should” statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. NOTE: I do not direct these statements toward others.

Now, I managed to tick off eight out of 11 on the list. There was one more that I didn’t add but I do it all the time. I don’t know if it is so much of a Cognitive Distortion all the time or me just being “The Queen of Guilt” and also using a lot of self deprecation on my blog. Perhaps all three. It’s basically seeing a negative event as indicative of a characteristic of yourself or taking responsibility for things that were not your doing. I don’t really do the latter.

Oh, and there is also one about Labeling and Mislabeling where you don’t describe your error but degrade yourself. Or conversely, if someone behaves in a way that you don’t like–you do it to them. Again, I don’t do that. PA doesn’t call people nasty names. She will call herself nasty names when she screws up, though.

So maybe if you want go all the way, there are two more. Nine of 11? God, I sound like a Borg. A Cognitively Distorted Borg. *PA rolls eyes* Resistance is futile to your bloody brain.

In waiting for my sleep meds to hit, beloved Tallis playing and lying in my bed…trying to think… Just what the hell, you know? I did try to slow myself the fuck down–do a wee bit of CBT on myself–and this post is getting long enough so I won’t get into the therapy aspect of it.

So, while passing the time, come, sleep come… I started to cry a bit. I just thought, ‘What are you thinking?’ No, really. With a lot of that stuff up there, it’s based upon the “unknown.” Maybe that is why I chose to use the word “illusion” before, even if it wasn’t quite right? At this point in my life, there are SO many unknowns and I feel like I simply can’t deal with having more! I know that there will always be unknowns, of course! I’m not that daft!

Alright. So, maybe I can wrap this up with a tidy little bow in case anyone else is as confused as Brigitte was. A combination of trying to cope and deal with the anxiety that lies before me with my professional life and as far as the personal? I am looking for stability and support. It has been there in the past and I wish for it to come back. I sure do need it now. Perhaps it all got muddled when I wrote it and it didn’t come out properly?

Try As I May…?

I more or less crafted the post that I wanted to make earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have it in me to write it. I am just so bloody exhausted.

Apologies to the (couple of) comments that are awaiting from my regular readers and an email that is outstanding from someone.

And definite, definite apologies to Tribalnoizes. I don’t know if you are familiar with my blog or not in terms of how I respond to commenters. I always type their names/monikers in bold font. And I usually respond in a timely fashion!

You left a great comment and again, I do want to get back to you–and I will!

Shit.

I want to write the post I had in mind but I feel like I am going to just pass out. Maybe I could post this and try and start writing the one that I really wanted to write? It might me…well, a little longish? And that always requires editing, proofing etc…

However, I need to stay up for a suitable time as my mobile is dead and I need it to wake me up. I need its alarm feature as my alarm clock is broken. I suppose I could just let it charge a little bit? How long for a full charge and how much more sleep will I lose waiting for it to go all the way?

True Confession/s?

I’m not really doing myself any favours when I come home. I’ve been getting a bit soused these days after dealing with “Fix Me Up.” Uh huh. A bit? Gimme a break. With such a high tolerance that has been built up over…hmmm…let’s say at least 15 years of self medication…well, you can imagine how a) it’s easy enough to stroll right through the door, all gilded with gold when stressed and…well, shit…b)? This is kind of funny…

No, it’s NOT. Perhaps funny in an ironic sense but for wee PA who is again, hovering somewhere between 90-100lbs./6.5 Stone let’s approximate for my UK/Irish folks? For a tiny girl, she can belt them back. That is not a good thing.

It’s not good for her bean (and all of her meds.) It’s not good for her being wee (and also her meds–specifically her Anticonvulsants) as it will make her prone to falls! Anticonvusants (generally–well, a lot of the time and especially for PA) can make you/her fucking clumsy! Add copious amounts of alcohol? Hello, face plant.

She’s actually blogged about it before. She has fallen and sustained head injuries (not serious ones.) However, one was bad enough that she had to monitor herself for a fucking concussion!

I’m sorry. What did you just write, PA? And yes, trying to monitor yourself when you live alone if you might have a concussion? No. That’s not good. The major issue is with sleeping. Basically, you might not wake up. Still, Dr. PA was “on call” and knew how to handle herself.

But if any of you out there are on your own and think you may have a concussion, GET YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

I know. I sound like I’m a hypocrite. I am not, however. I know when to go to hospital.

But I digress. Back to me getting all numb from the booze.

And so…the self medication wagon just keeps marching on. Wait. Falling on and off the wagon. I just typed that sentence without even realising the euphemism. I do make unintentional puns all the time–both verbally and in writing.

Okay, it’s almost midnight which means I “deadlined,” again. It also means I should try and get some sleep as I have Merlin #1 tomorrow and should go back to “Fix Me Up.”

I gotta check the charge on my mobile, though. Being so exhausted…I’ll need an alarm to wake me for sure.

Exhaustion Back to Psuedo-Anorectic Teenage Years

Okay, I’m so tired I don’t even know if the post title makes sense. I think it does within at least some context that I shall begin with. I then will try and proceed with my day (to a point) before I bloody well pass out??? Oh, god knows, I should have long ago! I even took my sleep meds before dinner!!! I have never done that before in my life!

Now why the hell am I still up? I need to make this post, I’m still hungry and eating (that’s a good thing) and…but…however…ick, yuck, blech, I’m still anxious about another day at “Fix Me Up,” tomorrow.

Oh, yes. Heh. Not that it’s funny but the pseudo-anorectic thing. I never really was anorexic–try as I did! However at times many in fact, I think my blood sugar would drop so low that I would feel like passing out? My blood pressure has always been fine so…? I really don’t know that much about EDs and how much exactly they affect you physically. I should look into that. I often wonder if messing around with my body like that in my teens (I did it in my 20s too) has now conditioned my metabolism to not “needing” food. I can go for days without food.

So, anyway, last night, I got a really bad night’s sleep. I’ve had unmedicated nights’ sleeps where they have been completely awful but when on meds and usually everything is good–I mean–more than usually everything is good? Oh, this is painful! It’s painful because you are used to your regular sleep. The meds restore that. You are lucky because you have been robbed by “a thief in the night” (haha) and then your sleep is restored or given back to you.

You never appreciate what is yours until you have lost it…or something to that effect. I’m sure someone made a quote like that, someone in the Literary History Books but I’m sliding off my pillows, still trying to type this.

Oh my fucking god. I just tried to scroll back and re-read what I wrote and I’m so exhausted, I can’t even see.

Let’s just proceed.

I went to “Fix Me Up” and today was kind of a let down. There was another session and the facilitator seemed to focus on this one girl who “had it all together.” A definite strategy, goals (well…maybe some work but she completely knew what she wanted or didn’t want!) She also had a kick ass resume, lots of experience in her field.

It sucked. Again, the facilitator just talked to her and all about her for the majority of the session. Now, I don’t have a problem with everyone “chipping in” with things like this. In fact, I think it’s very important that everyone goes away from any kind of group session anywhere having felt that they’ve learned at least something. But for some reason, this just seemed… This one girl and the facilitator… It was almost a business version of: “Get a room!”

I spent a few more hours there in the afternoon doing some more “stuff.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it. Well, it’s not. There is so much more to do. And more to tackle tomorrow. And Thursday. Then Merlin #1 on Friday and I’ll probably go back to “Fix Me Up” on Friday after Merlin #1 if I’m not so exhausted that I don’t need to go to hospital.

Better get to bed. I’ve stayed up way later than I should have.

And bugger. I think I need to get a curling wand/iron for my hair. I still can’t get my curls to go up right at the bottom.

Oh, fuck me. Still trying to fix my hair! Someone just, “Lop off me ‘ed,” completely and we’ll be done with everything!

I guess I don’t have a good “Work-Life Balance.” *PA rolls eyes*

Postscript: please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. Also, any continuity issues or “gaps,” inconsistencies, etc… If you have any questions, please feel free to leave a comment or email the Author.

Puking and Schmoozing Last Friday

So I went to go see Merlin #1 last Friday. I puked my guts out and told him how stressed I was about all of the job “Fix Me Up” stuff and the place itself. Actually, I puked before I left for my appointment. I was outside having some tea and didn’t even get through half of my cuppa.   Then, it all came right up. I puked before I left for my appointment with him the week before as well but that was breakfast that came up. I forgot to tell him then but I mentioned it all last Friday.

I blogged before that I have what I call: Vomit Trauma. Not to toot my own horn, but it has some interesting links that state my little moniker is actually somewhat of a “recognised term.”  The post garnered a few comments and some discussion. You may wish to have a read–or not? Nonetheless, me letting it all go and barfing away is extremely rare. Or it used to be? I have noticed that I am now gagging like hell all the time when I am stressed out. That’s a real blast, as well. But now that I’m actually to the point of letting the gag reflex go and starting to heave up everything regularly when getting worked up over something?

That’s fucked. That’s stress.

As soon as I left and got on public transit, I popped a Valium/Diazepam.  No kidding?

We talked.  What is/was there to do? I told him that I was drinking more than I should as well because of the stress.  Why not admit it? It further elaborates just how messed up I am about everything.  Beyond that, how’s my sleep? Fine, I guess.  Even if it’s fitful and restless, I am getting enough to wake up and be functional enough.  Do I still have a decent supply of Valium.  Yep.

After that, I decided to push myself and go to “Fix Me Up Job Place” and familiarise myself with the surroundings a bit more and do some work there.  On the first day not knowing what to expect, I wore a business suit.  After last Friday (I wore another one) I will now definitely keep wearing them! Get ready for this!

So, sane face on, I met a few more people and wanted to personally thank one facilitator whose book I received.  I located him, shook his hand and did so.  We had a chat about how I was finding things there, my impressions and such.  Of course I said it was great, fantastic, I was loving it…all of that.  He asked how long I would be there that afternoon and mentioned they were having someone in for a meeting (someone from a corporation I later surmised.)  He jokingly asked if I would mind coming to meet the person, introduce myself and say how much I was enjoying things and my thoughts! I told him, sure.  That wouldn’t be a problem.

He was rather taken aback for a moment.  He asked if it wouldn’t be putting me on the spot.  I told him that no, it wouldn’t be at all! I am comfortable with public speaking (as long as I am familiar with the material) and certainly meeting someone and offering my opinions and/or experiences is fine.

I saw the first woman I met there and mentioned to her that I believed I was going to meet the person coming in for the session.  She just sort of looked at me strangely.

A short time later, the facilitator came by, gave me a little wave and off we all went.  There were several people from “Fix Me Up” present and I kind of got the picture that this was…something…as a few people were rushing around quite a bit before I got my little wave.

So off I go, I was introduced, everyone’s grinning, I chatted a bit and then they went off to their meeting.  I went off to finish what I was doing.  At that point, I decided to proceed further, try to start selling myself to “Fix Me Up.”  I offered myself to them if they were hiring, I spoke to another man there about a little of my past experience and he promptly asked me for my resume for future prospects.  After the meeting was over, everyone was bouncing around eating chocolates so they’re giving me some too…  I was thanked so much for what I did…

*sigh*

I’m going in for most of this week.  I feel bad as I have neglected some work that I wanted to do regarding all of my job searching business that I should have done this weekend.  However, I shall try to kick it into (a) high(er) gear tomorrow? I’m just feeling somewhat mental, still overwhelmed and scared shitless and definitely having a hard time getting my shit together (come on, PA!)

Perhaps having that experience last Friday may help with the anxiety over it as well but I am feeling uneasy (again) about going in tomorrow.  Maybe it’s because of “sexy, possibly want to sleep with me, possible job offer woman” I met over the weekend.  I should just put that one out of my mind? Although it really is just so out there and off the wall.  And also with them living on my street? Shall I bump into them? That is a definite possibility.

We Now Return You to Your Regular Programming of Lower Level of Insanity

Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.