Connecting…And Connecting Some Dots From My Past For You

So yes, trying to get around to contacting people. Mac Guru was good enough to email filmmaker. She called. He then emailed her after I went over the edge in my cycling frenzy. I didn’t hear from her then. She probably had nothing to say–or rather, maybe wasn’t quite sure what to say. I did my first overdose after driving home from her place in 1999. We had been fighting for a while and agreed to meet that night and managed to patch things up. Oh wow, what a volatile relationship we had over the years. Well, those years. Back then. She’s still crazy though and well, I am but at least I differ in that I have actually been diagnosed.

She did come to visit me though after the OD. With “ersatz friend” as I have now come to call him. We all knew each other. Part of the same little circle due to her film. There is another man I still know but because filmmaker is/was/can be brutal (and so much more back then making the film) she pissed him off so much that he simply can not stand her anymore.

Such a shame.

So I called “ersatz friend” too. He is the one where I so often keep in contact with, arrange to get together for dinner etc… but leave it up to him as his work requires him to travel so his schedule pretty much trumps mine. I wait for him to get back to me. He never does. And I was so out of it. I was trying to remember his email address. I completely forgot that I have his numbers on my mobile. Ugh. My brain is still not quite up to par?

The conversation was…well, I don’t know if it was odd or not. He seemed a bit distant? Sort of, ‘well, gee…that’s too bad…’ He didn’t really sound all that sympathetic. I often wonder if I put him through hell so many years ago. He was my “crisis man.” Whenever I OD’d, cut…I always called him. That is not a nice thing to do and those are not pleasant calls to receive. However, I was out of my mind and extremely ill. Not an excuse, mind you. Simply the reason. And then there was filmmaker. Compared to me? Oh, my lord. She really put him through the wringer. Talk about being demanding! He also fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her too. Ersatz friend? I think he may have fallen in love with me too. Yes…deep within my so muddled, murky memory I seem to remember him telling me so. Fuck me, Mac Guru even fell in love with me! Now that I do remember! It got a little messy but we worked it out. It can be very hard when you fall in love with people that can not return that love–that type of love. They can only be your friends and love you in that manner.

Wow! Can you believe all of that up there??? It’s a wonder any of our hearts managed to stay intact! Except filmmaker. She didn’t seem to give a shit about any one of us all falling all over each other–especially her. I don’t say that to be mean or spiteful, really. I would never say such things about someone! You just would have to know her to understand and I guess be there during those days.

And between all of the partying, drinking, drugs (not so much PA as she’s never been into drugs but she was flying “high” (no pun intended) in Bipolar madness so if someone was smoking up…whatever.) Plus there was a hell of a lot of mental illness going around too–more than just PA:

PA: Yet to be dx’d Bipolar and ADD and had been living in a continual state of (hypo)manic existence for at least seven years or more–not on any meds at this time.

Ersatz Friend: Dx’d Depression and ADD (on meds at this time.)

Mac Guru: Previous dx of Depression, had been on meds before (later on in life also, on and off meds for Depression but that was, again, later…) Also undx’d severe Social Anxiety Disorder at the time.

Filmmaker: Now, I think possible dx of Depression when younger or undx’d–or she just said she was depressed. Yes, I believe the latter. Still, to this day I am trying to figure out just what the hell her dx or dx’s is/are/could/would be! My money is on/within the Personality Disorder department. Yes, most bloody definitely!

So what do you think? Makes for an interesting mix? Quite the “Soap Opera” or “Droop Drama” as my Nana used to call those genre of shows?

Ahhh, ersatz friend. We were so close. What happened? I remember one time he was ill. It was something to do with his throat. Did he have to have some sort of surgery or was he just very sick? Either way, he couldn’t speak. Or wasn’t supposed to. When I arrived at his house, I only said hello and asked how he was. Then, I grabbed a notepad I brought with me and started writing. I wrote: ‘If you can’t speak, then neither can I. This is how we are going to communicate.’ A huge grin spread across his face and he started to laugh–almost audibly–so I put my index finger to my closed lips in a ’shhh’ sort of action.

Ersatz friend was the first person to pick up on my Major Depressive crash. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had been (hypo)manic for so many years. That was my normal state of existence (as an adult–depressed as hell as a kid–but you forget these things when you go so far into outer space as I did.) He told me to get straight to a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to go but everything was going down the toilet, my job performance was suffering…I knew I had to. And even still, everything went downhill from there for years anyway but at least it got me on the road to getting help–even if took so many years and it is still ongoing.

Several years later after ersatz friend and I continued to support each other with our shared insanity, he quit his meds entirely in favour of natural solutions. That was fine. He had been on the med treadmill for so very long and just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing seemed to work for him. However, a couple of years ago or so, he told me that I should just go off all of my meds too! Just be done with them! I said to him that I couldn’t. Not with all of my comorbidities. Perhaps it had worked for him but at the very least, my neurologist would probably have a seizure himself if I went off my meds for having those!

Did that drive us apart? Our different stances on medication? Well, really now. Ersatz friend. Are you that closed minded? So we made yet another prospective “dinner date” based upon his schedule. We shall see.

Continuing on with more mentalness, I also called my mother. She is not really a dot to be connected. She is her own little single dot in her own little universe. Well, I had to call her eventually. She is being supportive in her own way, as much as she can I guess. Rather like when I came out of hospital last year. The calls were fairly frequent at first but then she drifted off like the little dot that she is, back into her own little universe. *shrug*

That Was NOT Fun Yesterday

I need to puke out this post first and then I will get to everyone’s comments. Wow, I can barely type today. A bit of a mess. Rather. Yes.

I had mentioned that I hadn’t cycled that quickly and in such a forceful manner (as you could probably gather from me commenting on the post in block caps) in years. Well, sometimes it’s all well and good to have the energy and the “up” feeling of being (hypo)manic. Later, things got a lot worse for me.

I was still pretty hyper after taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine and hopping into bed. I decided to put on my iPod to listen to some music to try and relax me and calm me down. It has helped in the past. That’s when things took a turn…whoa.

I flipped. I started bawling and it was straight into a really, really, bad Dysphoric Mania. It was taking everything to not do a cutting. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I mean, prior to that, I did experience a calm but I guess I must have been in the eye of the storm?

I took off my iPod and headphones and threw them across the bed. I’m amazed I didn’t throw them across the room! I’m kind of saying that in jest as I’m not a “thrower.” I’m not one in my mentalness or even when I just get upset with anything to throw things–you know, if someone is having a fight they start tossing the dishes around and all of that. Not PA. I mean, that can get expensive if you fight a lot, right? I guess, buy paper plates and glasses? Ha ha…trying to be funny but I don’t feel funny…well, I do but in a brain, sick tummy way…get to that.

So, I got up, not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I went outside in the freezing cold with some water (I’ve been very dehydrated lately–probably tummy related) and had a cigarette as I thought that might do some good. I then resorted to some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate and hoped that would knock me out. I didn’t dare want to take any more Seroquel. Best to just monkey around with something that was OTC if I can’t sleep. At least I had the presence of mind to not start fucking with meds even if I was seriously going out of my mind.

I mean, it was BAD.

When I see Merlin #1 next week I am going to suggest adding some benzos to my pretty, rainbow cocktail. They are fast and easy and I can just pop some if I start to feel I’m getting out of control. Wow, I could surely use some now. I am a bit of a wreck after yesterday and last night. My brain is fried and I feel disgusting physically in tummy land.

It’s been so long since I have felt that way. Not just a random period of either a Mixed State or a Dysphoric Mania–well, one wasn’t so “random.” It was caused by taking Strattera/Atomoxetine that Dr. Asshole gave me for my ADD and I temporarily forgot that it is basically–well no– it is an AD. Yep, send PA straight into Bipolar hell.

Nonetheless, this stress is obviously having much more of an impact on my mind than I originally thought it might? Well, this was always in the back of my “mind” but I thought I could withstand all of this and be “strong” enough. However, we can never “control” our brains when it comes to triggers with our neurochemistry. That’s just the way it goes. Again, I think my only recourse at this point is to get some benzos. We could also do some tinkering with my other meds but…

Well, the Lamictal/Lamotrigine takes too long with titration, it’s a tricky AC and obviously it’s apparent I need some help now? The Topamax/Topiramate? Well, sure…that might be worth a shot. It served me so well for so many years and the titration can be done quickly with that–at least for me–no problems there. The Seroquel? I take it for sleep and I don’t know of its efficacy for me in terms of controlling my winging out with the Bipolarness. That almost seems too experimental when I’m getting into crazyland, crisis mode these days? That’s it for my Bipolar meds.

And I will not stop my Biphentin. I am having enough problems concentrating as it is. The Biphentin is not causing the problem; my current situation is. Therefore, I can not see how removing that would help. This is stress related–not med related. I am quite sure that taking my stim away would do nothing to help my life and what I have to face. In fact, I think it would make me more of a spun doofus when I do need to focus right now.

Benzos? I’ve taken Serax/Oxazepam which has been my staple for years in the past. It was…alright for my anxiety and also alright for my sleep but not now for sleep, I would bet. My insomnia has worsened over the years as I could go on and off the Serax at will when my sleep was fine. Now? Sleep meds forever, I am quite sure of that! I have also tried Klonopin/Riva(o)tril/Clonazepam (called by different names wherever the hell you are as all meds…) but I fell into one category of folks where with extended use, it caused depression. Oh yeah, just what I need right?

So, I’m not sure. Go back to my old one or give Valium/Diazepam a try? I’ve always been curious about that one. I’ve never tried Xanax/Alprazolam. A lot of people think that’s the boogeyman of the benzos but I’ve never had a problem with taking my benzo before as I could go on and off. And even with my Gravol that I love so much! It’s not like I’m popping them all the time! I can’t take Ativan/Lorazepam. Well, I can, it’s just that there is no point. They’re like little pieces of candy to me. No effect at all.

Anyway, I just think I need something to keep me from freaking out as my anxiety is at pretty high levels now. I need some pharmaceutical intervention. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I know I have no control but if it keeps up, it WILL be hospital time and I really don’t want that. I can’t afford it. Not in terms of time, money…all of that. I need to get back on track, get a job, get my life in order.

I know my health comes first and realistically, if I am not healthy I can not take care of the above anyway. However, if I can manage to get through this without my brain either exploding or imploding, that is what I want to do.

Wow, I think this is longer than I expected.

Hey, at least in my “up” state, I managed to get baby MacBook out of the box. I guess I can put the relic away. That’s good. I was sitting on the floor, trying to lean against Mozart’s scratching post that I still have and trying to balance the keyboard on my lap. It was killing my body. Now, I am more comfortably on my bed. Pillows… *PA leans*

Exhausted PA.

I was too all over to do anything with it so I waited for today to check everything out. Good grief, could you imagine being all out of it and ME destroying my new one?!?!?! Well, I don’t think I would have but still. I wanted to be in a more “sane” state of mind to check all of the data dump.

Whew. It’s all there. As far as I can tell? If I come across anything when I’m looking, then I guess I’ll know but so far, sound as a pound. Shit, the screen is so “new” and “clean…” It’s so bright it’s almost hurting my eyes! I just dimmed it. Maybe my eyes are just tired. No doubt.

The only thing “missing” if you are thinking of buying one is the remote I got with my first one. It’s now an “upgrade” that you have to purchase. Although I’m using mine at the moment and it’s still fine. Like it wouldn’t be? It’s a little thing that shoots out a…well, a little thing. Actually, it seems to work better with new baby MacBook than old baby MacBook? Huh.

On the flip side, with mine (the black) and one of the whites (ewww…white) is they did some upgrades. I now have a 250MB hard drive whereas I only had a 160MB and you had to upgrade for that. Also, I seem to have a DVD burner now! That was an upgrade as well, as before it was only DVD-ROM/CD-RW. Leopard may seem to have some neater features that I am kind of finding out as I’m going along here? Well, I guess I won’t categorize this under “Technology Sucks.”

And…there’s nothing that smells better than a brand new Mac, straight out of the box. Well, except leather and garlic cooking?

Going To Try…

I have my appt. with gastro man this afternoon.  I think it will take me about two hours via public transit from my home.  I have charged my iPod–of course.  Tune out the world–of course.  Always when travelling.

Music? I haven’t really listened to any since the day after.  I know, wasn’t that the title of that movie after a nuclear bomb went off back in the 80s? Not when the bomb went off–when the movie was made–haha.  We’d all be dead if the bomb went off.  I am simply calling the day “Black Monday.”  Anyway, oddly enough Gabriel… mentioned blasting music to get rid of stress ( I am assuming?) I did just that the next day.  Skinny Puppy–also from the 80s…

I do this when upset and flippy.  Blast away crazy, evil sounding, out of control types of music.  It sounds counterproductive or counterintuitive as you would think someone would like something soothing but not me.  I did this in hospital as well.

However, last night while laying in bed, trying to go to sleep while waiting for the meds to kick in, I played my beloved Tallis Scholars and my favourite CD by them (Taverner’s Western Wind Mass.)  I was a little scared to, at first.  There have times when I have been so depressed and upset, I just can’t listen to them.  They just upset me even more! But last night they did soothe me.  I did almost start crying so I might have to watch listening to my Tallis! Still, perhaps they soothed because of my meds and how exhausted I was.

Meds.  They seem to be holding up alright? I was going to say that the Seroquel/Quetiapine is the most important for sleep but maybe they are all equally important.  For sleep, I could supplement with Gravol/Dimenhydrinate but that really should be a short term solution.  And sleep.  Still lots of bad dreams, even if I can only remember them in fragments when I wake up.  Not pleasant definitely during–when the sleep is fitful and I want to wake up crying.  I have done this before in the past with some dreams.  Again, so odd for someone who rarely remembers their dreams.  I suspect this will continue for a while as with so much else.

I have an upcoming appintment with Merlin #1 next week, I think.  I have to check his card in my wallet. I could call him and see if he could fit me in sooner but since it is “soon,” I don’t know.  I am having enough trouble functioning.  Getting the motivation to go see gastro man has been incredibly difficult as is.  My meds can always be adjusted if need be.  If I feel I think so at anytime, I will tell him and we can make the changes.  I must remember to head to my pharmacy as I am running low on my Nexium/Esomeprazole.  That, I shouldn’t go without as no doubt my tummy could certainly start kicking up with all of this.  In fact, I can feel one of my symptoms coming back as I type this–it was due to stress.  Shit.  No pun intended.  Also, I am feeling some pain right now too.  Stress as well? Boy, this appointment is probably going to be a doozy today.

I also need to pick up new baby MacBook on the way home–and all of its peripherals I bought too.  Again, I don’t care.  I guess now that I will have it, I can get MP3 Of The Moment back up and running and start streaming lots of depressing music for you–as if these posts weren’t enough, eh?

Well, I’d better get going.  I am moving like a turtle these days.  And either a completely stoned one, a paralyzed one (wait that doesn’t make sense–you can’t move if you’re paralyzed…ahhh, you get it…) or a petrified and confused one.  Or all three…no, just former and latter.  But definitely the latter.

I might post later to let you know how everything went.

And as a note for this and future posts, I’m kind of “crazily” categorizing things all over the place because I just don’t know where to put what I’m writing about. I can’t be arsed to make more Categories because I’m just too out of it.  I am definitely not too arsed to blog but I can’t do any major work on it–just write.

Thanks.

Still Very Unwell

I suspect you will be receiving daily dispatches about how messed up I continue to be for quite some time? At least I am keeping up with Blog365! Can you believe? You are all of such support to me that I will not stop blogging. However, yes, I am not feeling well. Also, what is not helping me is another view from work.

PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. WHOEVER YOU ARE…BE KIND TO ME AND SHOW SOME COMPASSION AND CARE.

PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG.

AS ONE COMMENTER SAID, I HAVE HELPED MANY PEOPLE BY EDUCATING THEM AND SUPPORTING THEM REGARDING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

I DO NOT WISH TO STOP DOING SO.

THIS IS ALSO A CREATIVE OUTLET AND THIS MAY ENCOURAGE YOU TO KEEP READING, NONETHELESS, PLEASE ALLOW ME MY PRIVACY.

I will no longer write about my former workplace anymore. It is starting to upset me too much, especially by seeing someone read me from there. This entire event has been and is too stressful already. I loved where I work and still do. It is breaking my heart to leave.

So, on with simply my life as it currently stands–or lies (lays?) for that is all I really want to do. I just want to lie/lay (even my grammar is shot right now) in bed all day and not move. Can you smell my depression emanating from your computer right now? Indeed.

However, I am moving for here I type. I got up, took my meds and had a bit of breakfast. I feel like I am running my own little hospital with room for only one, little patient. In my fitful state of sleep (oh…bad dreams, bad dreams…) I hear a nurse screaming in my ear: “Breakfast! Breakfast! Time to get up!”

Followed by me not wanting to move…”PA? PA? Are you alright?”

In PA’s head: Oh, silly nurse! Do you think I’m alright? I’m in a bloody psych ward!

Followed by a coaxing nurse: “Come on PA, time for your medication and some breakfast…”

By this time I can’t get back to sleep anyway so what the hell. I need my meds regardless of food so who cares? I can always go back to bed later. Oh, and by the way folks…I am wearing hospital bottoms as pyjamas today so this whole “hospital for one” thing just gets even better and better.

Cognitively? Who knows? BWAH-HA-HA!!! Good one, eh? Did you catch that? Cognitive impairment…“who knows?” Oh…PA…even when life is going down the tubes you can still find a sense of humour? Even for a nanosecond?

Sure. Now I’m depressed again.

I have to see gastro man tomorrow. I was tempted to call and cancel this morning but his card says they require 48 hours notice. I see. Does that mean I get a charge if I don’t call within that time frame? Some doctors here (at least in my area) do that and for some other things (script call-ins to pharmacies etc…) Well, I’d rather avoid that. So, maybe I should try really hard to go. It’s really far away from my home, though. It would take a long time. It would get me out of my flat, at least. If so, nicer weather? It is very dismal today. Good god, like I even care about the weather! I only care about my bed! And tea. I always care about my tea…

I’m also supposed to pick up new baby MacBook tomorrow. I was so looking forward to that, even though the whole ordeal cost me so much money. I am not happy about my new computer at all. In fact, I don’t even care. I love baby MacBook–both in old and new forms. Now? Don’t care.

I’m just so scared. One day at a time, right? So easy to say but not easy to do.

Wow, I do feel like going to hospital. Not because I’m at risk but just because it’s “safe.” I felt that way when I was there a year ago. Just like everything was alright…it was like this little haven where I didn’t have to worry–about anything at all.

*PA crying*

Getting Back To “Normal?”

First, thank you to everyone who has read, commented, been available for email…it’s really meant a lot.

Second, I can not stand the last word in my title. What on earth is “normal?”

So back to work today. I was afraid I was going to catch serious hell for being totally shitfaced and plastered when calling from hospital! I didn’t even know what time I called but I had a record on my mobile that said it was just past 0330hrs. WTF? What time did I get home? When did I cut? How long did it take me to shower and get all cleaned up? I know it took a bit to get through triage… And the upstairs tenant! I made a huge ruckus and was falling all over and she helped me inside to my flat. I should fucking buy her some flowers! Her father is with a woman who has Bipolar so she knows mentalness. And she knows I have Bipolar (amongst other things.)

But no work problems? No one said boo?

My paranoia stemmed from catching serious hell before for being “caught” re: drinking many years ago. I believe I blogged about it before and it’s categorized under Self Medication.

I am feeling still sort of…blah today but, again, I suspect that should be “normal.” I imagine it will take me a bit to get back to the level of wellness that I was feeling before this happened. It has been fairly busy today and that has helped keep my mind occupied somewhat. Somewhat. However, as the day has been moving on I do seem to be…”moving on,” as well? Time. That is what is needed, I suppose.

My next appointment with Merlin #1 is in less than two weeks. Fuck. I am reluctant to discuss all of this *sigh* At hospital when in triage, they only confirmed my GP and really, I don’t recall ER records being sent to GPs. No. They never asked for neuro’s name when I went into all of the migraine and seizure talk. Nor did they ask for Merlin #1’s name with all of obvious mental crap and the automatic psych eval ordered! Here, you usually have to sign a release to have records transferred? Unless those are the ones with your primaries? Well, I know I’ve had to do it when going inpatient.

Oh, hell! I don’t know. It’s not like my GP will call to check on me anyway. Well, she might. She is that nice? Doubtful, though. If I wanted to talk to her myself I’d have to go and see her.

I could very well keep this to myself. Would it serve a purpose to get into it all? I’m still at odds and confused as to how it really came about! I have been quite stable for a while and the only mood changes seem to occur with the migraines. Any other weird triggers? Stressors?

Well, baby MacBook got destroyed and that ticked me off but, really? Then the news of my colleague’s friend who died. That did upset me perhaps more than… Well, some folks might just take it as “terrible news” and move on. But it really got to me. However, the migraine hit around that and the moodiness can last as a prodrome symptom for a while. In the past with me, it hit ridiculously quickly and my “prodrome” was basically the migraine itself! And way back the moodiness hasn’t been this bad!!!

And the fucking alcohol. How does that factor in? The tipping point? I’m sure had I not been drunk I wouldn’t have done it. However, had my moods not been so messed up, I don’t think I would have done it either! No! I would have just bloody gone to bed!

I feel I have rather a strange conundrum on my hands.

I was going to go out and buy new baby MacBook yesterday after work but everything went to hell so I couldn’t. I toyed with the idea of going out to do it anyway but I was too exhausted. I stayed up for a bit but eventually decided to order up some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate as an appetizer and then my Seroquel/Quetiapine as a main course. Nighty night.

I need to pick up some Polysporin/antibiotic cream for the mess I’ve made of myself and some other things from the pharmacy on the way home. I was thinking of the scissors to remove the sutures too but I’ll wait for those to see how I heal and how everything looks when I need to pull them out. I might need more than 10 days as I question how well my body heals these days. I don’t believe it is doing as well as it has in the past because of the gastro stuff.. I am probably (possibly?) somewhat nutrient deficient and not so healthy? I do not know.

So I called the tech yesterday and cancelled. I guess I will go in today and drop my load of cash. He won’t be in but I can leave it for him and he will do the data dump. I then will have to wait until Thursday because of the shop’s hours to pick it up. I can’t get there in time after leaving work. Whatever. I also confirmed with Apple (although the AppleCare service person seemed a bit daft about it–let’s hope I get a better one when I have to do it) that I can transfer my existing warranty to the new machine. That is good as I have about two years left.

So I’m going to keep working on trying to get my shit together over the weekend.

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m B Positive

TRIGGER ALERT: This post is going to be as messy as my bathroom became last night.

Run away, run away.

I just got back from hospital. Right arm this time. Did I decide to become ambidextrous in my madness last night? I am right handed and therefore all my cuttings have always been done on my left forearm.

I rotted away for quite some time–all night? Morning? I don’t know when I got there. I was too fucking wasted. Why? I don’t know. Trying to KILL MY FUCKING MIGRAINE??? Why did I cut? Hmmm. Well, that can be the $64,000 question for most cutters but I’ll get to that.

My fucking bathroom. I can’t even be bothered to clean it although in trying to clean myself a lot of the blood got washed away. Okay…here’s the ugly part so close your browser if you’re squeamish or don’t want to hear about some detail.

With my last cutting I went quite deeply into the subcutaneous fat. There was very little blood, if any at all. Rather strange as the fatty tissue just sort of “puffed up” and closed the would itself. Still, quite gaping and in need of some sutures.

Last night, not so deeply into the subcu fat and a whole lotta blood. More than any other before. I didn’t hit an artery or anything…just a whole whack of capillaries? I couldn’t get it to stop. Pressure, cold water…nothing. I threw myself into the shower to go to hospital and oddly enough the warm water managed to slow it down? A bit.

Okay, keep loading on the sterile pads, taping them up and then finally I wrapped a tensor bandage around my arm. I ran down the street (literally) and hailed a cab.

In the Emergency Department, I told them exactly what I had done and that I simply wanted sutures and did not need a psych eval or to be admitted. That may be why I wasted away in the waiting room for so long. Hey, at least they admired my wrap up job! I told them I was First Aid trained. No, I am. Really.

In my drunken state of insanity I left messages for both of my bosses. I’m at the hospital! Something about my migraine yesterday and my brain going haywire but that I would NOT be admitted–just sick today. Fuck…I don’t think I told them I cut *PA rolls eyes*

It doesn’t matter. They know all about me and everything I’ve done. However, I don’t think I let that escape my lips. Nah.

I met another nutter while waiting. A childlike OCD boy? Who also likes to be called by a girl’s name but didn’t seem to be MTF. Huh.

I finally got to see a doctor and of course I saw the psych hanging around waiting to do my fucking eval. I told them I didn’t need one! Oh, good grief! As if I wasn’t tired enough already! Don’t make me jump through the hoops of the system. Just fix me up and let me go home!

So I spoke to the doctor and (of course) geeked out in my typical PA medical fashion. He even asked me if I worked in the medical field *laughing* Oh, fuck me all to hell! PA does a cutting and speaks on par with the ER doc that mends her. Oh, but it gets better! Then we start moving on to the jokes!

A nurse came in and said, “Are you alone?”

He said, “Erm…no…there are two of us here…”

At first, I retorted: “Actually, I’m a mirage. A figment of your imagination!”

The doctor then said, “Yes…she’s an optical illusion.”

As the nurse was leaving, I thought of one more for the road: “Actually, I’m a CPR Dummy.”

The doctor started laughing out loud. He said, “Oh, that’s a GOOD one!”

Yes, only PA can pull off such stunts in the ER in the midst of a potential psychiatric crisis? Also right after this when I saw him outside of our little room talking to the psych about my eval, telling him I’m all peachy keen, I called out to the psychiatrist: “Yep, I’m fine but thanks!” I gave him a thumbs up when he looked at me and walked away. He just kind of nodded and off he went.

The doctor came back and sutured me up and said the psych was stunned he didn’t admit me. He said he was kind of stunned he didn’t admit me himself! It’s alright. Yes, PA is crazy but she’s not in need of a hospital bed.

We talked about the sutures and joked even more! He said they’d need to be removed in about 10 days. I started bitching because that would mean I’d have to go see my GP and show her. I didn’t want to ‘fess up and tell her I did a cutting *laughing* He told me to tell her that I walked in to a bank in the middle of a robbery and got slashed. I told him that was a great idea! I said, “Yeah, I can tell her I saved everyone!”

PA being her arsey self said that she could just remove them herself! He actually said sure, go ahead. I probably will. What the fuck is the point of going all the way to see my GP to remove dumb sutures that I can do and explain all of this horse shit!

So one of the things that I mentioned to my nurse and the doctor was the increase of the migraines and the effect upon moods. Now, this might be really going out on a limb here but do you guys recall that unbelievably, terrible one that scared the living daylights out of me by leaving me so depressed that I was virtually unable to get out of bed and I wanted to cut???

Now…if my migraines are causing my moods to get that fucking wingy, we have a VERY SERIOUS problem. Well, we don’t, I do.

So no more fooling around, here. I haven’t done a cutting in years! Again, this is horse shit! Apologies to all the cutters out there but I said the same thing when I wrote the post about being that debilitated and wanting to cut and how that just was not acceptable for me. That was exactly what I said.

Don’t get me wrong, fellow cutters. You know I understand…you KNOW I do. It’s just that I’ve stayed away from the knife for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I do understand that I was able to make light of it so much. And I’m really not unstable–completely?! A brain malfunction? Because the funny fucking thing is, I don’t really feel super, duper, uber bad today. I’m exhausted, drained…well, certainly low! I mean, I did a cutting…la-de-da-de-da…let’s all skip down the road in the sunshine, right?

I guess…I don’t know. When you don’t have the answers, what are you supposed to do?

This is not a funny subject but I’m still going to categorize it under humour because of my absurd behaviour and conversation with the doctor. I mean…come on. In a twisted way, that’s pretty funny, don’t you think?

*sigh* I don’t know if I should stay up or try to sleep or what. I’m pretty fried and had some things to do after work today.

I’m kind of afraid to sleep. It’s like…what’s going to happen when I wake up next?

The Tummy Aftermath But Strike Three, PA’s Out!

So, I was a little out of my mind by the end of the day at work yesterday. The pain just kept on and on and on… First order of business when I got out the door: buy Gravol/Dimenhydrinate. I didn’t have any left at home. Not that it would do anything for the pain but it would at least transport me to a place where I didn’t give a fuck–about anything.

I joked somewhere on this blog about “Gravol Addiction” because it’s just sooo lovely. Or at least I think it is. Until it makes me pass out. But what absolute bliss until that point.

I’ve never tried any Opiates like Vicodin, any “Percs” and all of that. I’ve never had them prescribed and I’ve never taken them otherwise or “illicitly.” I wonder what they’d be like compared to my Gravol? Huh. I was also thinking that if you didn’t have a script for them and a drug/benefit plan to pay for them (and a very benevolent doctor to keep prescribing them…) if you wanted to keep using them, a cost comparison?

I bought my generic Dimenhydrinate (same thing as the brand–just read the labels people to save yourself the money on the OTC stuff!) for just over $6CDN. It was for a pack of 30 50mg tablets. I take 100mgs. That’s to knock me out. Would 50mgs just make me kind of dopey and happy? Probably? Still, to go the distance let’s keep it at 100mg. That pack would last me two weeks so for a month, $13CDN say.

Depending upon where you are, use a currency converter, whatever… What’s the market of street drugs like these days? I’ve never known ever, really! Could you get a daily supply of Opiates for a month for $13CDN?

Alright, this is silly talk. My head is a mess.

Second order of business? Straight to the pub! No, not because I was so out of my mind. When I moved out after breaking up with ex-partner, I was drinking more and still in a lot of gastrointestinal pain. I oddly discovered that drinking helped ease the pain. No, it helped stop my tummy from hurting–at least to a degree? I could never figure out why this was. I looked and researched. A muscle relaxant, perhaps but enough to take away any type of spasmodic behaviour that much? You would think with ingesting it–directly into my gut–it would make me feel sicker!

*PA shakes head*

Gee, with all this talk of “Gravol Addiction,” buying Opiates off the street and drinking for my gastric pain should I categorize this under “Self Medication?”

So, go chug some beer, go home and pass out.

I had decided that if I experienced any more break through pain, or if it was as bad again today as it was yesterday, I would actually go to the Emergency Department. Yes. Although my pain threshold is very high, this pain was intense. I have only had to go to the hospital once before when the pain was bad and this was back quite a while ago when I was still with ex-partner. And really, there is/was nothing they could do but my goal was at least something similar as last time to perhaps get me through a day.

When I went before, they gave me some IV Toradol/Ketorolac or Ketorolac Tromethamine. It’s a NSAID. It may have helped but if I went in again, I probably would have asked if they had anything better. No, I’m not a drug seeker, really! They gave me a script for the Toradol orally but it didn’t do a thing! What is this?! A slightly stronger version of Advil/Ibuprophen? They also gave me a shot of IV Gravol. WHEE! Now if you think Gravol via the oral route is good–try it by IV!

However, I’m feeling a bit better today. Not nearly in as much pain! And going to Emergency is a pain! Triage…waiting to get admitted…waiting to get to the exam room…waiting to be seen…repeating everything you told the Triage Nurse but in more detail…waiting to see what they’ll to do you…if there are tests required waiting for the results…

With my lovely “Don’t Know How To Rate Myself On The Pain Scale” issue, I probably would have put myself at an eight yesterday. And this is for someone with a high pain threshold–thus necessitating me even thinking of going to the hospital! Today? Oh, maybe a one? It’s starting to hurt a bit more though now. Maybe it’s because I’m kind hungry so I’m having something to eat. Just some soup. The cafeteria offerings looked wretched and I haven’t been cooking lately (or anything that even remotely resembles that.)

I’m also completely wiped because…

…I now have a cold or some icky virus!

Yep. That’s it. Three strikes and PA is out!

If you haven’t been following along, that would mean over the last three days it has been: migraine, tummy/gastro flare up and now a virus.

Alcohol And Self Medication: We’re So Shaken And Stirred…

I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while but I haven’t been sure what to say or how to write it. I received a comment today that was partly about drinking and other mental health issues. That encouraged me to finally do this.

So not being quite sure what to do, I went down to the pub after work and had a bit to drink. I know, you’re thinking ‘how ridiculous!’ Going out drinking, writing a post about self medicating and being mentally ill! There is a demonstrative point to my behaviour for the sake of my post, really.

Studies have been done for Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous etc… for success and failure rates that are highly variable. The numbers are all over the map. The groups themselves say that everything is good and yes, you can respect that but again, you can look at the actual relapses that occur. I don’t want to throw a bunch of numbers at you that everyone can debate and I don’t want to argue.

Hell, a bunch of highly variable studies could probably be done to try and establish the success or failure rates of “Patient Anonymous” too, both for her blog and her! Also debatable. Also arguable.

So why did I go to the pub? To shed a little light on what’s going on in “The State of The Nation” with my self medication right now.

I’ve blogged about it before. How it’s been in the past (years ago–many years ago) the relatively recent past…and now? Why am I drinking now? Let’s start with tonight.

I came to sit, relax (oh, drinking always feels good…it tweaks those receptors!) I came to think and write.

At other times recently? I’ve been bored. I haven’t wanted to go home to an empty apartment. Do I feel lonely? I have no problem being alone. No, I don’t mind being on my own. But is it too much being on my own? Or is it too much boredom that leads to a feeling of restlessness that I just can’t handle?

Has it just become a habit? Well, that could be because of the boredom factor and feeling restless. If it’s a habit, does it mean it’s an addiction? I’ve never physically “craved” alcohol. But a habit…is that a psychological addiction?

My mood is fine these days. However, I can always find a “reason” to drink based upon my mood–up or down. If something is bothering me, let’s have a drink (or a few?) and think about it. If I’m happy; let’s celebrate!

At other points in my life? Oh, holy hell. Years ago, when either unmedicated or improperly medicated, I ran the gamut of mood swings. I drank to the hilt, no matter! From wild (hypo)mania, always trying to keep up and continually ride the thrill of the roller coaster or to the extreme depths of depression, always searching for some solution or relief from the intense emotional pain.

When I was released from hospital almost a year ago, I was a complete disaster. The few that were close to me at the time all felt that I was discharged too early. I agreed. I was extremely lonely after breaking up with ex-partner and moving out on my own after living with her for a little over two years. I couldn’t bear to be on my own. My meds weren’t suitably adjusted. I wasn’t fit for work and my routine and stability of that nature has always been so important for my mental health and sustainability.

My “routine” became going out to the pub and getting pissed drunk all the time?

Wow, the posts I’ve written on this blog about all of this too. I never created a category for all of them…drinking, alcohol, self medication… I was too embarrassed. And yet, I wrote about it anyway. Crap, sometimes I wrote about it all while I was completely wasted!

Well, it’s not an embarrassing subject. It needs to be discussed. Just like everything else I’ve blogged openly about.

So I will start a new category with this post here: “Self Medication.” Maybe when I get enough time I’ll be able to go back and re-categorize all the other ones I’ve written.

I have a song I would like to stream. However, it is very intense and painful from my perspective. I do think it really captures what alcoholism can be all about in one way at least–maybe several?

I am going to place a “Trigger Alert” on MP3 Of The Moment for this one. I have never done that before but yes, I think it may be necessary. I mean, if you guys thought it was bad when I streamed “My Sweet Prince” by Placebo? Well…this one trumps that.

Trigger Alert:

“The Bottle” by Colony 5

Why Am I So Tired, Why Do I Feel Like Shit (Sort Of Moody) And Why Can’t I Think?

I was going to blog about something else today and it would have been relatively easy, but because of the above…I’m not going to do it. This is going to be more of a “tell all.” Maybe you will be proud of me? I am trying to be proud of myself. If perhaps the latter reason is…well, the reason?

I’m looking at the calendar. My period got kind of fucked up last month so could it be that? My appetite is kind of screwed up (i.e. I’m craving things so…?) That could also explain the lack of energy (but I am really tired.) I mean, really, fucking tired.

The thinking? My hormones don’t make me stupid. However, they screwed up at Merlin #2’s office last time and shortchanged me on my last Biphentin script, so I need to ration it out until I see him late next week.

Confession.

Reason number two is I’m using this week to try and kick the booze. Or at least stop going basically every goddamned night to the pub which I was still doing. I hadn’t blogged about my drinking habits as everyone kept giving me hell about it. I got tired of everyone bitching me out. I felt bad enough as it was.

So take a week off, lock myself up, and only go out unless I have to. If I do go out, only do it for very essential reasons. Or a distraction like a movie. Although I’ve been watching some at home and, again, been so exhausted that later on at night I’ve been passing out before they’ve been finished. It makes me think I don’t need my Seroquel/Quetiapine, but I’d probably have mid-sleep awakenings, early morning awakenings, and because I am so wiped I do want, and need my sleep.

And speaking of movies, I feel like Ewan McGregor’s character in Trainspotting where he boards up the door while trying to quit heroin with all of his “supplies,” and then promptly proceeds to tear it all down!

No, I’m kidding. I’m fine. No need to haul me off to hospital or call my doctor. If these are really “detox” symptoms they are mild. I’m not going to seize (I have enough meds in me to prevent that anyway!) I’m not hallucinating…none of that business. I just feel way more out of it than I should be? I don’t know.

It’s been a little under 48 hours since I’ve last imbibed. I had made the decision so it was like…okay, it’s vacation time…bye bye! These are peak times for this kind of stuff to hit.

I remember in the summer when I put my “Sobriety Meter” on my blog, and it kept going up and down like a yo-yo. Now that was embarrassing… I’ve been drinking like a fish since I’ve gotten out of hospital (last April) so that’s been almost a year now? That’s pretty embarrassing too.

People always say when trying to quit…oh, I’ll only drink socially, blah, blah, blah… I’ve been able to do that. I’ve also quit smoking for periods. Then started. Then quit again. Then started again… At least I’m making a concerted effort. It’s more than I’ve done since everything bloody went to hell in a handbasket, and I started all of the self medication crap (again) after hospital…by again I mean I have a history of it when going, and being, and becoming mental. PA gets triggered, and she reaches for the bottle. Others may reach for something else. Pick your drug of choice.

So who knows? We’ll see. In a few days I’m sure I’ll be right as rain. Regardless of whatever it is that may be causing this so screwed upped-ness.

I Need A Vacation…

I think I mentioned before that my vacation time is mounting.  Seriously.  I get four weeks off a year and in 2007, I only took one week off before cracking up and throwing myself into the nut house.   After that, too much time had passed attempting to “rehabilitate,” get back to work full time and before I knew it–end of 2007! I mean, I was practically “on vacation” being off so long–not that it was such a great vacation being rather mental *rolls eyes*

My vacation time, if not used, is not paid out.  You’re all smart and can do the math.  I now have seven weeks of vacation time for 2008.

I am not a millionaire.  I can not afford to jet off for that amount of time.  Nor do I really have anyone to travel with and I don’t like to travel alone.  I think it’s much nicer to have someone to share the experience with.  However, it is quite fine to have someone to meet you on the other end!

I just emailed my friend R. in London.  Three years ago during half term break (in February–he’s a teacher) I spent a week in London and then we went to Italy.  Now, it’s already mid-January so half term might be a little squishy, time wise.  However, I think there’s an Easter break in there somewhere as well.  I can’t be bothered to look up the timetable online.  It’s easier just to email him.  Sometimes, he organizes trips for the students during breaks so he may have plans anyway.

Funnily enough, he could probably rig it so I could attend and join along in a school trip with enough notice.  He was still teaching for the first week while I was in London and I did accompany a group of Year 5s and some teachers to the British Museum one day! However, I don’t know if I could handle a week or so with a bunch of crazy boys running rampant all over whichever country they were visiting, no matter how beautiful the scenery may be!

Erm…no.

Also, P. my friend from hospital is talking about moving to Amsterdam, possibly in the spring? I’ve already got the invite to come over.

Anyone else out there want little PA to come for a visit? I know some of you have been very kind in offering already.  I suppose it’s a timing thing, a financial thing…if any of you are other mentalists, it’s a question of stability (again, timing) *laughing*

Yes.  I need to get on a plane and take a break.  Boy, do I need to get away.

*sigh*