You Could Have Just ‘Sat’ on My Keyboard!

I decided to try and switch gears the other night and work on some of my “creative” (ahem) writing.  No blogging (well, after my daily post) and no more work-related business (oh, which I am failing at anyway!) Still, maybe getting some other types of brainwaves going and, yes, some “creative” juices flowing might help somehow? Another way of motivating myself?

Well, the weather is getting warmer here so out are coming all the bugs.  Recall me cleaning up my flat and finding little mommy spider laying a few eggs. *shudder*  PA does not do well with bugs.

Anyway, I am working away on one of several outstanding pieces (of crap) and I see this teensy, little red thing, no larger than a dot you may make with a pen tip? It was wending it’s way around a couple of my keys on my keyboard.  I tried in vain to sort of “pick it up” or attach it or get it to climb up on to one of my fingertips.  No dice.  I grabbed a tissue and tried to somehow “capture” it with that.

The sneaky little thing then just disappeared right down beneath a key.  I’m not sure but I think it was the letter, “T.”

So, if little nosey parker was that keen on reading what I was writing, did it have to go all the way “underground?” Yes, surely, it could have just sat there and read it all on the screen! Maybe it had poor eyesight.  Or maybe it was more interested in what kind of software I have on my hard drive? Hmmm.

Well, if so…great.  Now I have a “computer bug.” *laughing*

Oh, I’m sorry.  That was just way too easy and I couldn’t help myself.  It’s alright, though.  Macs are basically virus proof and all of that.  You don’t need to install all the McAfee, Norton, AdA-/Spyware business.

I suppose I could get out my can of compressed air and give the keyboard a good blast.  I suspect the little thing is probably dead in it somewhere.  The new MacBooks’ keyboards are a single unit.  They are sealed so really, the little buggie is probably trapped in there.  It was really tiny, however.  And everything is electrical so he (she?) could have gotten fried.  Or…with enough time, there’s no food.  Starved buggie.

Honestly.  An insect crawling right into my keyboard.

Saying Goodbye and Simultaneously Networking

I was extended an invitation to a function held by my ex-employer today.  I know, it sounds strange but the details are of minimal importance, if of any at all.  I didn’t know if I should go.  I finally decided that it would be first, a good opportunity to say goodbye to some folks that might be there (that I never got around to doing) and second, a chance to: “Network.”  I am beginning to loathe that word.  Still, the people there know me so even if I sounded like a blithering idiot (not an uncommon experience) it would probably be alright?

Confession? When I woke up this morning, I cried.  Who would I see? All the lovely and beautiful people that I met over my years there.  I was right fucked.  I had a feeling I would cry.  I mean, all of the “Networking” was going to bad enough but…the people that I had so much fun with, I had grown to love.  It sounds funny.  Do you love the people you work with? Well, maybe on some level you do.

Guess what? It was a two-Valium/Diazepam day.  No doubt.

I made it though.  It wasn’t a long function.  And the room cleared fairly quickly.  PA worked the room as quickly as she could.  There was alcohol (and non-alcoholic beverages) but she needed her hands free to shake others’ hands and reach for her cards.  And yes, arms free too for lots of huggies and kissies for wee, PA.

I told you.  The place was and is great.  Now you may understand my tears from this morning? If I may say so, PA was pretty well respected.  In fact, another peer (a lovely, lovely woman–who volunteered to toss contacts her way whenever she could!) asked her/suggested…rather emotional day? I admitted that, yes, I did cry in the morning.

So, who knows? I mean, one guy–after it all went down and I told him–he’s my age, a manager, offered to be a personal reference! Right off the bat.  PA gobsmacked.  I gave him my card tonight when I saw him again.  Another guy I saw tonight said he’s going on vacation but when he gets back, we’ll go for lunch and speak further.

The woman who I told that I cried? She is very well connected.  Auto-Network-Connect.  I didn’t even have to ask.  Ditto another “Super Woman” in the Marketing Department.

Some? Fuck, me.  Again, they know me but did I stretch too far? I have legitimate relationships with “the Big Guns” so I went after them too.  Good grief.  Well, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I’ve lost it all already, right?

Just Need to Vent

I could skip writing this post for today as I tossed up the last one after midnight so that’s my daily quota for Blog365. But bugger me all to hell I am so bloody ticked off! We still have no hot water. It’s been two days now. It’s got me so riled up I can not concentrate on anything else. I finally broke down and washed my dishes in the ice cold (and scrubbed them really hard!)

I heard from the upstairs tenant earlier today (after she had called our landlord.) I had called them again with no response. She received an email and found out that they are in the U.S. for a wedding. As a result, we were to call the electrician who was there on Wednesday who possibly(?) “forgot” or “accidentally” didn’t turn the hot water back on after doing his work?

Oh, come on! She said she’d get back to me. I have heard nothing. Maybe she will talk to me when she gets back from work. Maybe she knows nothing? Does she know when they are coming back from the U.S.?

The work was done in another tenant’s flat and I haven’t seen him for a few days. Has he gone away? Well, that’s a wee conundrum, isn’t it? For how shall incompetent electrician gain access if incompetent landlord is not here with a set of keys?

Again, my water problem is consuming me.

*PA pads off to take a Valium*

Which she should have done a while ago.

I can’t concentrate on anything else. I don’t understand why this is. Is it some kind of bizarre “reverse hyperfocus” of ADD? No, PA gets hyperfocused on things she finds enjoyable and interesting. This is more like some kind of anxious obsession! Waiting…waiting…waiting… And as the time passes the worse it gets!

So, indeed, I have decided to make yesterday and today my “weekend.” I have accomplished virtually nothing re: my job work. I must get on the ball and right back into to it tomorrow and on Sunday. And on…Monday…and on…

I’m still so unmotivated and just…blah that really, all I want to do is lie in bed and completely zone out.

Or perhaps ponder how long of a prison sentence I would get for homicide? Slaying my landlord? Or some idiot electrician? Maybe both? I am completely bonkers so I could probably swing my time in a cushy mental institution.

Hey, it sure would eliminate the stress of trying to find a job.

Hang on. I just lost power for a second. Hold up. Someone’s knocking at my door.

Okay, my sentence has just been reduced to a single homicide, not a double.

We have hot water! W00t! The electrician came and fixed us all up in a couple of minutes. As it turned out, he wasn’t incompetent; our breaker panel was. Now all we have to do is wait a bit for everything to heat up and let’s hope we all don’t jump into the shower at the same time as we’ll drain the supply and end up freezing to death anyway. *PA rolls eyes*

EDIT: What’s up with my Valium? Why do I all of the sudden feel way more relaxed than I normally do when I take it? Maybe the combination of it and the fact that I now have hot water has put me so at ease, I’m kinda floatin’ on a cloud baby… That’s all good though. I’ve had too much stress going on anyway lately.

More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

All Over the Map!

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable.  Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested.  The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn.  Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression.  Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist.  Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.”  Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today.  WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water.  That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both.  I’m sorry.  I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat.  I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water.  I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning.  At least nothing involving hot water.  So, I swept up the floors.  Good god.  It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet.  But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic.  Sorry, mommy.  You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*

ADD Mushbrain.

Chivalry Is Not Dead…This Stuff Still Happens!

So while I was out running some errands on the weekend, I decided to go and sit on the patio and have some pints and read a local rag.  Yes, avoid all job finding responsibility.  Well, not really.  The paper has ads and stuff.

As I was sitting there, this older woman asked if she could sit with me.  Sure, of course! She was in her 60s.  She told me that her husband just hated her smoking! So, I suppose since I was a woman there alone (albeit much younger) it was better (and more appropriate for her) to sit down with me.  I mean, a woman of her age standing around smoking! Well! Perhaps looking like some kind of trollop! Unimaginable!

We had a lovely conversation and she came out another couple of times.  It was kind of odd as well, as there was a band playing.  Older gentlemen, not young ruffians but your generic “rock ‘n’ roll” kind of stuff.

Later, a man came out who was around the same age.  He asked if he could sit with me as well.

Okay.  Hang on.  This is one of PAs regular haunts.  She is a regular and knows everyone.  What’s going on with all of these older folk coming to sit with her? No matter.  All is good in PA Polite Land.  Please, have a sit and let’s chat.

He said he had just started a new medication and was feeling dizzy.  It was just too much inside for him.  Oh! Well, please sit down!

We talked for a considerably longer time.  I don’t know how long! At least 20min. or more.  There was this woman who kept badgering him to come back inside but he kept waving her off.  I thought it was kind of funny.  I asked if it was his wife.  He said no, it wasn’t.  His sister? I don’t know.

He offered to have her join us but she wouldn’t.  I said the same–please come and sit down.  She just sort of “sniffed” and walked away.  Again, I had to giggle.  He stayed with me and we kept talking.  Finally, she came back and said that the band was playing their last song and she wanted to dance.  He almost reluctantly walked away.  We said goodbye and that, “It was a pleasure…” and I went back to reading my paper.

My servers asked to move inside to sit at my “favourite table.” *laughing*  Again, I am a regular and I always sit at the same table to work on baby MacBook.  I am actually here right now–at “my table.”  They had a line up for the patio.  I told them it was no problem as I was getting cold anyway.

I decided to order one more drink and asked for the bill.  When I looked at it, I called the server over as there was something wrong.  There was only one drink on it–my last.  A tiny little…I hate to say “bell” went off in my head but before I could really acknowledge what it was, she told me, “That gentleman that you were sitting with…”

I said, “No, no…oh please…no.  He didn’t…”

She said, “Yes, he paid…”

Before she finished, I just started crying.  I mean, after we parted, he never even came over to say anything else.  When I came back inside, he was gone.  So, no time for another final goodbye, a little wave or anything.

I just couldn’t believe it.  I sat and cried for a bit more and finished my drink…took a bit of time to regain my composure and then paid my bill.

Just for one drink.

More…GET IT OUT!!!

I’m giving more “linky-love” to to Gabriel… but it’s just working out that way. We’re not having a…well…we…don’t have an online “thing” going on. *PA giggles*

No, he said that perhaps Blog365 might be driving me mad. The pace of keeping up (and maybe everything else in my life?) could…maybe…I don’t know. Making me more bonkers than I already am? He suggested writing a post COMPLETELY IN BLOCK CAPS!!!

I laughed. Okay, maybe?

However, would that be a little hard on everyone’s eyes?

Well, I do have a fun post to write but I’VE BEEN SO FUCKING BUSY I HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO WRITING IT!!!

I spent HOURS RESEARCHING JUST ONE THING FOR MY JOB SEARCH (but it’s okay because I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE research) but I mentioned in a comment THAT I WAS COMPLETELY BUGGERED AS I HAD DONE NOTHING ELSE THE ENTIRE DAY AND EATEN NOTHING EXCEPT A BOWL OF CEREAL!!!

What I was was researching was having my business cards made THAT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE IF I AM TO FIND A NEW JOB!!! What I found out was that perhaps the company I was going to deal with was a bit dodgy AND THAT MADE ME TOTALLY FREAK OUT!!! Why did I freak out? I HAVE A SERIOUS BLOODY DEADLINE AS I NEED THEM BY JUNE 23 FOR A MAJOR FUNCTION–SUPREME NETWORKING OPPORTUNITY!!!

I just went with them anyway and ordered them now. However, I thought they had a three day “Rush Shipment Option.” No. APPARENTLY IT’S SEVEN WHAT THE…I THOUGHT I SAW IT ON THE WEBSITE AS THREE FUCKING DAYS THE OTHER…DAY!!! Do the math from today’s date.

So if I give them a one day grace period…I JUST MIGHT MAKE IT???

Alright, I’ll be back to maybe not shout so much later. *laughing*

Oh, wait.  PA CAN’T DO MATH TO SAVE HER LIFE!!! DO THEY MEAN SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS???

Oh, hell.

Why I Screamed In a Recent Comment and Why Am I Crying At the Drop of a Hat?

I’m going to do this a little backwards and write a post before I get to my outstanding comments. I always respond to my comments first.

I wrote in a comment last night: “Stay tuned for my next post after this that had me BAWLING MY FUCKING EYES OUT TONIGHT!”

Erm…yes. I actually had to sign off, leave the rest of the comments that came flooding in re: other posts and just say, “ENOUGH!” Yes, more block caps. I’ll get to you Gabriel… on that one per your comment! It’s not really about me shouting in the comment or me crying, by the way.

However, yesterday that is what I woke up to, ironically. Since I have been laid off, I have obviously been spending more time at home. The upstairs tenant used to run her own business from home and she has been gone every day, all day. Another job elsewhere? I have not seen her so I have not asked.

Well, yesterday. OMG, what a thing to wake up to! There was all of this screaming and crying! In my bleary-eyed and foggy state, I had no idea what was going on. As I became more clear, I realised she was on the telephone. I heard nothing else but her voice and her “fairy elephant” feet (a nod to fishwithoutbicycle for that one.) It’s a term from England where you think someone who would be light on their feet are certainly not! It gave me a real laugh when I heard that one.

Anyway, the yelling, the screaming, the crying continued all day. I was so worried for her. Of course, not wanting to eavesdrop–but I couldn’t help picking up on some of it–it was so loud and right above me! It seemed to be a problem with her partner or boyfriend? I’ve never met him and didn’t even know if she had one.

Then things started to get really interesting. Or potentially frightening? Some guy showed up. The front porch is right behind my bedroom window. I tried not to make it obvious but I peeked out from behind my blinds a bit. There was another woman with my upstairs tenant (for safety, support?) This guy was freaking out! My upstairs tenant seemed a bit more calm but then later in the evening, more loud, screamy, tearful phone calls.

I had to go out later. Damn, when does the store close? I need milk!

When I got home, we crossed paths. Oh, awkward. I basically said that I knew it was none of my business but was she alright? She said she was and apologised for the “yelling and screaming.” I said to her that, no, that wasn’t a problem, nor the issue. It was her. Again, was she alright! I offered up myself to her to talk anytime or if she needed anything. She thanked me and then walked away.

It was at that point, I just fell apart. I started, yes, bawling my eyes out like a little baby. Really, these days…what isn’t making PA bawl her eyes out? I am tearing up even as I write this post.

I have mentioned this before and it may be hard to grasp but when I speak (have spoken) to at least professionals, they have never batted an eyelash. When I was a child, I was so incredibly sensitive, I was basically “empathic.” I know, it makes me sound like I am making myself out to be Deanna Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. But it’s true. I could just “sense” peoples’ feelings–mostly negative. Well, gee, pretty much all negative?!

I have a clear memory of sitting on a public transit bus in my home town across from a woman who was overweight. I could just feel how unhappy she was, even though there were no blatant “signals.” She wasn’t crying or she didn’t have any “sad” look on her face. Immediately afterward, some kids started teasing her about her weight. I was shocked by this.

I could feel it with children, as well. It was this “visceral thing.” I know, I know…this all sounds so out of this world, unbelievably ridiculous, “PA thinks she’s psychic or has ESP!”

As a result of this (and many other things), I used to cry so much. I was nicknamed, “Cry Baby” by everyone. When I grew into adulthood, I repressed those “feelings.” I repressed my tears. I simply somehow shut it all off and began to live in my head more and more. That is not to say that I do not feel at all! That is not to say that I can not be sympathetic or even still, empathetic to someone’s situation if I realise that I have “been there too.”

I don’t necessarily believe or even know that these types of feelings are coming back. What I do know is that I am beginning to cry so damn easily as I did when a child. I am starting to feel pain from damn near everywhere like I am a completely exposed nerve.

AHHH! What’s Black and White and Scares You to Death???

I was just outside having a cigarette and who (or what!!!) happened to try and approach me on my little back deck?

A SKUNK!!! OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!

Not that I don’t love animals but…

I actually spoke to it. Him? Her?

I started saying very quietly , “Okay. Okay, baby. You go now…”

Pepe Le Pew (if it was a boy?) just sort of looked at me for a bit, then looked around… After about, oh I don’t know, 16 to 19 seconds (that felt more like 16 or 19 hours!) the little, potentially disastrous stink bomb just toodled merrily away.

Oh! I swear! If I saw a quick turn around a little tail shoot up, I would have taken off like I was trying to win a gold medal for the 100 Metre Dash!

I Still Can’t Stand Myself

Apart from my bloody Kuntitude, I am going berserk and mad as “Fix Me Up” mentioned a place where I can get free business cards.  That is a very good thing.  Especially since I believe I will be attending a rather…well VERY large, publicity…no, it’s a huge media related event.  Hey…it’s fucking on television.  I still have to check with the person who got the tix/passes but I’m sure we’re going.  We talked about it and yes…great “Networking” opportunity? So, I’m trying to get these damn business cards designed but they’re all fucked because they have a traditional “design.”

Erm…  Hi, I’m unemployed.  So…well, I need to come up with something for the “white space.”  Along with everything else that I need to do.

At least tomorrow’s session is in the afternoon? It doesn’t mean that I still can’t show up in the morning.  So I’m trying to be all wordsmithy and wordcrafty to do something to…catch peoples’ attention? But not make me sound like a total, fucking dork.

I’m out and at 6% battery.  Sorry to the lovely commenter that came in to the post from waaaay back.  I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.  I really liked your comment and yes…will definitely respond.  For sure, I have some things to say.

I just have to get this out right now as my brain is…argh…

I don’t want to keep complaining.  All I am writing about is my fucking job search bullshit.

I should link to one blogger in one of the most recent comments but another site run by M.D.s wants to link to me as a blogger!

Whee! Gee, if I could only make a living like this, eh? So far, this is number three…that I know of?