Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

Try As I May…?

I more or less crafted the post that I wanted to make earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have it in me to write it. I am just so bloody exhausted.

Apologies to the (couple of) comments that are awaiting from my regular readers and an email that is outstanding from someone.

And definite, definite apologies to Tribalnoizes. I don’t know if you are familiar with my blog or not in terms of how I respond to commenters. I always type their names/monikers in bold font. And I usually respond in a timely fashion!

You left a great comment and again, I do want to get back to you–and I will!

Shit.

I want to write the post I had in mind but I feel like I am going to just pass out. Maybe I could post this and try and start writing the one that I really wanted to write? It might me…well, a little longish? And that always requires editing, proofing etc…

However, I need to stay up for a suitable time as my mobile is dead and I need it to wake me up. I need its alarm feature as my alarm clock is broken. I suppose I could just let it charge a little bit? How long for a full charge and how much more sleep will I lose waiting for it to go all the way?

True Confession/s?

I’m not really doing myself any favours when I come home. I’ve been getting a bit soused these days after dealing with “Fix Me Up.” Uh huh. A bit? Gimme a break. With such a high tolerance that has been built up over…hmmm…let’s say at least 15 years of self medication…well, you can imagine how a) it’s easy enough to stroll right through the door, all gilded with gold when stressed and…well, shit…b)? This is kind of funny…

No, it’s NOT. Perhaps funny in an ironic sense but for wee PA who is again, hovering somewhere between 90-100lbs./6.5 Stone let’s approximate for my UK/Irish folks? For a tiny girl, she can belt them back. That is not a good thing.

It’s not good for her bean (and all of her meds.) It’s not good for her being wee (and also her meds–specifically her Anticonvulsants) as it will make her prone to falls! Anticonvusants (generally–well, a lot of the time and especially for PA) can make you/her fucking clumsy! Add copious amounts of alcohol? Hello, face plant.

She’s actually blogged about it before. She has fallen and sustained head injuries (not serious ones.) However, one was bad enough that she had to monitor herself for a fucking concussion!

I’m sorry. What did you just write, PA? And yes, trying to monitor yourself when you live alone if you might have a concussion? No. That’s not good. The major issue is with sleeping. Basically, you might not wake up. Still, Dr. PA was “on call” and knew how to handle herself.

But if any of you out there are on your own and think you may have a concussion, GET YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

I know. I sound like I’m a hypocrite. I am not, however. I know when to go to hospital.

But I digress. Back to me getting all numb from the booze.

And so…the self medication wagon just keeps marching on. Wait. Falling on and off the wagon. I just typed that sentence without even realising the euphemism. I do make unintentional puns all the time–both verbally and in writing.

Okay, it’s almost midnight which means I “deadlined,” again. It also means I should try and get some sleep as I have Merlin #1 tomorrow and should go back to “Fix Me Up.”

I gotta check the charge on my mobile, though. Being so exhausted…I’ll need an alarm to wake me for sure.

We Now Return You to Your Regular Programming of Lower Level of Insanity

Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.

I Am (Quickly) Medscaping Myself To Death

At work I used to sign up for Medscape newsletters. When I went in to clean up my personal things, I had to change my email and re-sign up for them. I also had to forward quite a few that I hadn’t read since being in hospital last year.

Did something change? I was only receiving one.

When I was redirected to the page to change your information, there were a whole bunch of options to select which ones you would like to receive. They were all based upon this and that area of medicine, anatomy, CMEs (like online training courses for credit–doesn’t mean anything for me as I am not a M.D. but it can be fun to take them *laughing*) So I signed up for all the ones I liked. OMG.

They are just flying into my Inbox.

I currently have 85 sitting there. And I have zero motivation nor concentration to look at them.

Perhaps I should log on and change my subscription settings? I have zero motivation to do that as well…not that it would take concentration. Wait. It would. I’d have to pick and choose all over again. *sigh*

Merlin #1 Tomorrow

I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?

I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.

I am still hesitant.

I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!

The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.

However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.

But the other cuttings? *sigh*

The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?

And I know, I know…

I hear you all: “PA STOP DRINKING! STOP DRINKING!”

Yes. I know.

I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.

Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!

As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?

Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.

Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!

Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.

But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.

As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?

And I still hear you…

I told you CheddER come and get me…

PAs Cocktail And… *shrug*

I was having a bit of a discussion with beartwinsmom about meds last night so I thought you might get a kick out of this. Yes, every current med that is prescribed for me at the moment. What do you think?

NOTE: photo taken down as personal information was still visible even though I thought it would not be. Extreme thanks to the two bloggers that emailed me. If you wanted to know, there were 10 scripts in the picture and it was quite cute.

And I’m sure other people might be on more meds? Hmmm?

So what else is happening today? Well, I got up earlier and tried to knock some things off my glorious “To Do” list from yesterday. Uh huh. I grabbed a bunch of stuff from work and promptly tossed it in a drawer. That’s right. Something to definitely add to my resume?

• Extremely capable of procrastination and avoidance of things that are disliked, annoying and/or are simply too tedious to accomplish.

*PA rolls eyes*

No, no…will get to it all. And rest assured, I will not (or try to) bother you with my daily accomplishments. Well, unless they are huge and big shockers!

I’m trying to figure out what to do next. I’m feeling a bit more ADD and spun around than usual, perhaps? Okay, that might be understandable all things considered. I spent way too long on the computer last night too. I didn’t eat. Not good. That indeed was ADD full throttle: Hyperfocus Maximus.

Alright…best move along now and…erm…I don’t know…

Not A Very Good Day

Well, to start I had a very near miss with the hugest amount of bird shit outside today. No. It was probably the largest amount of flying faeces I have ever seen. I have actually had a bird (well, two?) crap on me twice. The first was square on the top of my head and the second (more disgustingly) was on the front, all over my sunglasses and almost in my right eye and my mouth. Blech.

They say it is supposed to be good luck. I am still awaiting my ship (both…) to come sailing in.

So, depressed, depressed, depressed.

At least I made it out of bed to go see Merlin #1. The appt. was not as stellar as last time but whatever. Excuse me if I repeat something you may have read in a comment I made on another post to sodajerk but I will elaborate more as it was something covered in our last appt. and in today’s.

I seem to be stuck in an odd form of “inertia.” Although some physicists may look at PA and shake their heads. But bear with me. If you can imagine my mental illness as a form of motion–even if it paralyses me at times–it is a form of motion. It can cause me to be spinny, anxious, confused, hyper…you get it. If we were to box up all of those different “forms” of motion and label them simply as the mental illness/es, that is my “straight line.” Now with my current situation, I feel compelled to “do” something about it. That is then the force that sends me off into another direction. Of course, the mental illness component comes back and I go off into another direction.

And on and on and on.

Now that may not be exactly right but it’s close?

Regardless, it’s fucking me up. There are things I want to do, things I feel I need to do but how the hell can I do those when I can’t even get my laundry done? I haven’t even unpacked all of my shit from work as I don’t feel I can even look at it, not to mention the fact that it also feels like an insurmountable task in the motivation department. See laundry comment, above.

So on the way home, I picked up my scripts. I now have a month’s supply of Valium/Diazepam b.i.d.! Whee! And hey, if I only take them q.d. that’s two months! Good lord. Am I now developing a lovely dependency on Valium? Well, PAs anxiety isn’t exactly pretty these days. I also got an order put in for Tantum/Benzydamine. Now, if you ever have a wickedly sore throat, get your hands on this stuff if you can! It is the best. It’s this green, almost iridescent gargle (but DON’T swallow it…ewww!…barf and not good for you!) However, it works so well. I bought another case of Ensure as I needed more of that.

I also stopped off and sat on a patio and had some beer and thought about how drinking really isn’t good for me and I should not be doing it. I know. Actually, I’ve had conversations with people while drinking about alcoholism, addiction and just how disastrous it is.

“Ugh. Drinking. When you have a problem with it. It’s just so awful.”

“Oh, I know! I’ve got to stop. I really do…”

“Me too. It’s fucking up my life. Bad.”

“Yeah. The things I’ve done…and now?”

“Fuck. I’ve got to quit. It’s getting out of control.”

“You and me both.”

“Want another and we can talk some more about it?”

“Okay, sure.”

*PA rolls eyes*

I came home and took a shower. I thought that might relax me a bit. I was going to say, score a point for self care but I guess the beer drinking kind of nixed that. And I haven’t had anything to eat today so now I’m definitely in the red.

Merlin #1 asked how my appetite is and it’s fine…yes? He also followed up with another good one: am I enjoying my food, liking the taste? That’s actually a pretty cool question for someone who feels like shit and may not want to eat. I said I was. Food still tasted fine. We did a weigh in as well. I still seem to be floating somewhere between 100lbs.-90lbs. so that is good.

I also saw my hairdresser while I was out. Great guy. Brit. ex-pat and we sit around drinking lots of tea when I come in for my appts. I told him “the sitch” and that I was way overdue for a cut. And that we might need to try something else. Not that my style isn’t bad. But that I was considering an entire makeover. Well, certainly a significant one. Yes, I think I am going to femme myself up a bit–for sure. That will be a little bit of torture, though. PA loathes shopping.

Well, I guess that’s it. I really hope I feel better soon. I’m a compulsive list maker so I feel I need to start doing that and just bloody, well, dammit try and get things in order. Argh.

Is The Valium Working Too Well?

I really don’t know what to write about. In fact, I don’t really have any desire to blog. I don’t really have any desire to do anything. *laughing*

However, I am making some pasta right now. Weird, huh? I’m eating. And I had a fairly large breakfast that was really closer to lunch as I was sort of screwing around after I woke up. Still, is the Topamax/Topiramate working in reverse? No appetite loss? Maybe it’s just because I’m already on it so my brain and body are both used to it. Speaking of my brain, it doesn’t seem to be so fried by the dosage adjustment. I was sort of figuring I’d be alright after a few days? Yes?

So, I’m kind of in: “I Don’t Really Care Land.” Not that I don’t care!. No, of course I care! Valium/Diazepam hasn’t turned me into some sort of emotionally unfeeling meanie! I’m just sort of, m…e…l…l…o…w… Has my Valium knocked out my Biphentin? Which is actually Concerta/Extended Release Methlyphenidate, folks. No contraindication. I just think I…don’t…care… Well, maybe I will later when I start feeling like crap about life but for now?

And hungry. Now, between monitoring my Penne, I’ve been just poking around and Valium does have some possible appetite increasing properties–in cats. Perhaps PA is a cat? Or maybe she was one in a former life? Really, not much else out there except maybe some appetite loss or something with Valium abuse? I didn’t really look, as again, I’m just not motivated.

Oh, and a PA secret for Valium. Well, that is to say a secret for PA and her Valium. She wasn’t quite sure of it’s efficacy for her plus a bit of tummy pain so best taken with food. That seems to make her nice and out of it and no tummy pain.

*PA runs off to perform Penne check*

Pasta Cooking Tip: Do not rinse your pasta. Ex-partner who is a chef told me this. You may think you are getting rid of some icky “starch” or something but there is already starch in your pasta. You don’t want to rinse it as the sauce or whatever you are preparing “sticks” better to unrinsed pasta.

‘Geez. Penne’s such a “fat” pasta, don’t you think? It takes forever to cook! I honestly don’t know why I buy it. It’s not my favourite “type” or “shape.” I really like “Scoobi Do” that is also known as “Cavatappi.”

What do you think:

Yeah, it’s pretty cool because of the corkscrew shape and it also has the little ridges all the way along. I always used to laugh at the one name, Scoobi Do, as it sounds like this guy. Scooby-Doo!

Well, it’s still pretty early yet. I’m not sure what I’ll do for the rest of the evening. I sent an email earlier today and it took me about three hours. I’m not kidding.

Maybe some TV? That doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually, putting this post together was kind of fun *grin* And it didn’t require that much effort. And I finally got a chance to play with the new “Add Image” feature that they set up in WP. Wow! SO much easier. Way cool. However, they are “aligncentered…” but not publishing that way although when I go into “Edit” mode, they are centred. Hmmm. Oh well, no biggie.

Topamax Brain Blast

So, it’s nice to see you all down there. I always wondered what earth looked like from way up where in I am space right now. It is actually quite realistic from the pictures they show you from the shuttles and all of that. And I’ve finally gotten to experience anti-gravity! I have wanted to do that ever since I was a child! It’s like a dream come true!

*PA laughs*

No, no…I’m just on my bed, typing away on MacBook as you all are thinking. However, I really do feel like I am in outer space or at least in some other…land?

I wanted to post about something else today but shall do that tomorrow–obviously this takes priority as it’s just so…whoa. I mean, Merlin #1 and I? I think we made an interesting decision here!

I took the first 100mg increase of my Topamax/Topiramate last night as I said I would since all of my appointments were done as of yesterday. If memory serves, because my cognitive abilities are extremely screwed right now (will get to that in more detail re: ACs and Topamax) I waited a little bit before taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine before bedtime. Wow, am I glad I made the decision to wait until the weekend!

I didn’t go to bed extremely late last night (did I…?…oh, fucking memory…did I come home and watch a bit of television?) I know I sent off a quick email and that was around 2230hrs. That means I must have gotten home around 2200hrs or so–maybe earlier? The late arrival home was because I called Grocery Man as I thought he would be getting off from work at around the time I would be arriving back in the neighbourhood. I thought it might be nice for a visit. It turned out he was sick with a bit of a cold and had taken the day off but no problem. So we had a visit, listened to some music and had some soup and toast for dinner. It was a rough week so I did get a wee bit tippled on some whisky.

I know. Right on the heels of talking with Prester John (now known as Greybeard) about drinking on Valium. Not to worry, kids. Again, just a bit of relief and relaxation because of all of the stress. However, I will note that initially it did seem to make PA a pretty cheap date. Then it just seemed to move off to…well, who knows? Regular PA drinking? Or maybe there was still some Valium/alcohol combined effect going on? I had taken the 5mg dose early in the morning. *PA shrugs*

So back to the good ol’ Topamax. Indeed, had I taken it the night before last, I don’t even know if I would have been able to make it to my appointment! I have been outside for a tea (not that it’s making a sachet of a difference) and a cigarette and I’ve just been walking around in circles. No, I was almost literally walking around in circles outside! Escher called and knows I’m on another crazy med overhaul and asked if I needed anything as I am obviously incapable of leaving the house right now. I told him that I am fine but might need some milk tomorrow as I am getting low on that. He said to call if so.

You know, speaking of cognitive impairment (I know…I said I’d get there re: the meds…) he’s right fucked. He said he was going back to work and now he’s not and I don’t know! I think he may have forgotten that I loaned him money. It was only sixty bucks/dollars/quid/euros/pounds…whatever you wish. I really don’t care if he pays me back. The funds are now gone from “PA International Mortgage And Loan.” The institution is filing for bankruptcy. Unfortunately, it may turn the world economy into yet another tailspin but that is just how Big Business goes sometimes.

Alright…Topamax and cognitive impairment. I apologize for it taking so long for me to get here but you obviously can understand why?

Now, all meds can come with some generalized side effects based upon their classes which pretty much makes sense–even if we still don’t know exactly how they work on our brains. With ACs, one of the biggies is cognitive impairment (followed by clumsiness!) Why the clumsiness, I’m not sure but the cognitive impairment? Maybe to do with GABA and Glutamic Acid and when it gets turned into Glutamate–a precursor to GABA. GABA is linked to memory? GABA is linked to seizures and the meds are of course Anticonvulsants–originally prescribed for seizures and Epilepsy.

But again, the clumsiness? Maybe if you get so stoopid you bump into things all the time? What bloody neurotransmitter is responsible for being swift and agile?!

Still, they are a very poorly misunderstood class of med and I believe this (at least for one reason) because they are so “multi-purpose.” They are used to treat seizures, Bipolar and migraines! I have always been so interested in possible links between the three–especially since I have them all! Others out there share the comorbidities as well. Maybe not all three but two of them.

I really think that Topamax is the worst in this area–the clumsiness/stoopid business. Some people may disagree. It was probably tied for the hardest hitting side effect for me along with loss of appetite/weight. Then there was the taste perversion (some things just tasted like crap!) and the paraesthesia (I got tingly in my extremeties.) The latter two went away and I did end up gaining a bit more weight and some of my appetite did come back. Also, a little less cognitive impairment but it’s still there (forgetting words: their names, meanings, spellings; I can get lost and turned around so easily, problems with memory…things like that?) Also, I’m on Lamictal/Lamotrigine so what does that have to offer me? I think I am a bit more clumsy now. Maybe a bit more cognitively impaired too? *PA rolls eyes*

Alright, I guess this is long enough. I did manage to write it too instead of just saying, “Hi, the Topamax has done me in. Laters.” And I don’t think there is any need for my Valium today? *laughing* Oh…PA turns into a little puddle on the floor. Unless for some reason I get really anxious about something…