Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

How Many Plates Can You Spin…

…before CRASH!

Not to worry. No, serious “crashy-crashy.” I am quite certain that I will be spinning many more in the future, they will all fall to the floor and there will be shards of china everywhere.

Fuck me, though. It’s 2330hrs my time, and I can’t even decide if I want to make this my post. I have a half hour to both write it and decide. I actually have some better posts to write. Perhaps?

Really, all my posts debatably suck. Or undebatably. Or non-debatably. Or just plain suck, no matter.

So, yes. No “crashy-crashy.” That’s because I barely spun anything today!!! OMG.

You know, I am so productive (relative term?) during the week but everything seems to fall apart during the weekends. I don’t know why that is. I could just say it is “pure exhaustion,” (now how many times have I typed that–or in various forms–on my blog recently?)

Is it the lack of “structure” in going to “Fix Me Up” and then a wee trail off into ADD Land when I am left to my own devices? I mean, sure I’m still living in ADD Land despite my blessed Biphentin. It gives me an edge but it’s not a surefire way to keep me completely on the mental straight and narrow (and I don’t mean 100% of course…no one is…not even NTs.)

No, everything still seems to fall apart on the weekends. I just can’t seem to get *sigh*…well, wow…a lot of stuff…

And you would think it would be easier, right? I have more time. I don’t have any appointments so I can make better use of my time. Ding! Ding! Ding!

Oh, wait. Did I mention something about ADD up there earlier? Erm…yes. There’s this little “thing” about AD(H)D called “organisation.” Or perhaps better put: “DIS-organisation.”  *PA laughs uproariously* Indeed. It is true. And I have always required stability, routine etc… to help me stay on as much of an even mental keel as possible.

And speaking of being disorganisied…

It’s almost end of day/night and I am now just signing on to my blog. I haven’t even looked at my comments yet!

Sincere apologies.

I think I am supposed to be going to “that media event” tomorrow night that I mentioned earlier but everything is still up in the air. I don’t have my business cards yet. Shit. They are on order now. I am so tired, I really don’t want to go and don’t feel like, “Networking.” I’m not even sure if it would work because that type of thing would probably be appropriate at the “Afterparty” and I don’t know if I’m going to that. Plus, the next day is Merlin #1 and then “Fix Me Up,” followed by two more days of “Fix Me Up” and then who knows what?

Going out tomorrow to this event will be complete sensory overload and possibly (HA! Possibly???) a long night…ugh. Then next week?

I’ll wait for a call from G. tomorrow as she has the passes and when we’ll head down, how etc… Whatever she has planned? If I don’t hear a call, I won’t worry.

Try As I May…?

I more or less crafted the post that I wanted to make earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have it in me to write it. I am just so bloody exhausted.

Apologies to the (couple of) comments that are awaiting from my regular readers and an email that is outstanding from someone.

And definite, definite apologies to Tribalnoizes. I don’t know if you are familiar with my blog or not in terms of how I respond to commenters. I always type their names/monikers in bold font. And I usually respond in a timely fashion!

You left a great comment and again, I do want to get back to you–and I will!

Shit.

I want to write the post I had in mind but I feel like I am going to just pass out. Maybe I could post this and try and start writing the one that I really wanted to write? It might me…well, a little longish? And that always requires editing, proofing etc…

However, I need to stay up for a suitable time as my mobile is dead and I need it to wake me up. I need its alarm feature as my alarm clock is broken. I suppose I could just let it charge a little bit? How long for a full charge and how much more sleep will I lose waiting for it to go all the way?

True Confession/s?

I’m not really doing myself any favours when I come home. I’ve been getting a bit soused these days after dealing with “Fix Me Up.” Uh huh. A bit? Gimme a break. With such a high tolerance that has been built up over…hmmm…let’s say at least 15 years of self medication…well, you can imagine how a) it’s easy enough to stroll right through the door, all gilded with gold when stressed and…well, shit…b)? This is kind of funny…

No, it’s NOT. Perhaps funny in an ironic sense but for wee PA who is again, hovering somewhere between 90-100lbs./6.5 Stone let’s approximate for my UK/Irish folks? For a tiny girl, she can belt them back. That is not a good thing.

It’s not good for her bean (and all of her meds.) It’s not good for her being wee (and also her meds–specifically her Anticonvulsants) as it will make her prone to falls! Anticonvusants (generally–well, a lot of the time and especially for PA) can make you/her fucking clumsy! Add copious amounts of alcohol? Hello, face plant.

She’s actually blogged about it before. She has fallen and sustained head injuries (not serious ones.) However, one was bad enough that she had to monitor herself for a fucking concussion!

I’m sorry. What did you just write, PA? And yes, trying to monitor yourself when you live alone if you might have a concussion? No. That’s not good. The major issue is with sleeping. Basically, you might not wake up. Still, Dr. PA was “on call” and knew how to handle herself.

But if any of you out there are on your own and think you may have a concussion, GET YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

I know. I sound like I’m a hypocrite. I am not, however. I know when to go to hospital.

But I digress. Back to me getting all numb from the booze.

And so…the self medication wagon just keeps marching on. Wait. Falling on and off the wagon. I just typed that sentence without even realising the euphemism. I do make unintentional puns all the time–both verbally and in writing.

Okay, it’s almost midnight which means I “deadlined,” again. It also means I should try and get some sleep as I have Merlin #1 tomorrow and should go back to “Fix Me Up.”

I gotta check the charge on my mobile, though. Being so exhausted…I’ll need an alarm to wake me for sure.

For Darkentries Who Thinks I Am Going Insane

Alright, then. Let’s clear up the metaphors and let me get some (I won’t get into all of the stuff that comes out of your ass anymore) out of my system. ‘Nuff said there and about bodily functions in that area in my comment sections/preceding posts?

So yesterday, I went to the job “fix me up, dust me off” sort of place that I stumbled upon. Indeed, it was truly exhausting. A couple of reasons? Now how’s this for a nice start to it all? I was anxious as all hell, not only because of my current situation, so I got very little sleep the night before. Another reason? I went to set my alarm clock and bloody hell? I discovered it was broken! OMG! OMG! OMG! My only recourse was to rely upon my mobile. I set the alarm and then realised that it only had one little battery cell left. OMG! OMG! OMG! I mean, it was time for me to go to bed! I didn’t have time to even attempt to charge it because I didn’t even have any alarm to get me up to make sure it had enough charge to make sure the alarm on it would go off!!!

Fucking Keystone Cops with my clocks or what???

I called ex-partner. She could give me a wake up call before leaving for work, right? Definitely a good idea. I couldn’t reach her so I just left a message. (Aside: she sent me a text the next day and I found out that she is now on vacation and out of the country anyway! Granted she could have called me from her mobile but obviously she didn’t get the message on her home phone until later.)

So, I finally get to sleep but I keep waking up and looking at the time on my bed side clock (at least THAT was still working on the damn thing) and picking up my mobile, almost cradling it like it was my newborn child! Good grief. Well, my mobile’s little alarm clock went off and I was fine.

Okay. Get up, shower, do my hair *rolls eyes* and select appropriate business suit. Check time. Enough for public transit and to not be late? Being Ms. ADD girl, sometimes an issue? And all AD(H)D’ers know this.  Time escapes us so lateness can certainly be a problem…? No worries.  I made it in fine time.  Maybe my Biphentin has been doing me some good in this area?

The day was long.  And with it being my first day, I knew not what to expect! Granted, with getting up so early and dressed all fancy, it almost felt like I was going to work.  That’s kind of a good thing? Still, it just seemed all weird and not knowing anything about anything there; it was a lot to take in.

The woman I dealt with was very nice and even though I agreed to come back in today, she understood that everything was overwhelming, tough to lose a job and all of that (I think we’ve covered that enough, right?) So, she said that if I felt that I couldn’t, it was fine.  Okay.  I called and left a message last night to be courteous and professional, of course.  Still, I felt like a failure and…oh, here we go…a piece of shit.

Now, there was something else that kind of added to it.  I said I wasn’t going to blog anymore about my former workplace and have I blogged about my job here? Really? Why the hell would I? For one, this blog is anonymous and secondly…my job? BORING! I suppose a third reason is that even though I write about my personal life at times, the primary focus is about stuff going on in my/your/peoples’ head(s.)

Anyway, I checked my personal email address and there was a note from my former company about a work function.  Huh? I mean, it really knocked me for six!

I immediately emailed my former boss and asked, “What’s this all about?” To make a “short story long,” it was explained that I was still invited even though I no longer worked there.  Again…no point in getting into my former or even current work life in the future…BORING!

I had a good email chat with my former boss and it was known by my former boss that I never got a chance to say goodbye to a lot of people so I asked…should I go? My former boss thought it might be a good idea as I would probably see some people and get a chance to talk to them.  Beyond that, I also had a lovely talk with my former boss and it…it just made me feel like I was “at home” again.  Not that the contact was bad in any way.  No, it was great! It was all just…well, again…a little shocking.

So basically, because of my exhausting day, the thoughts of my former workplace and such…I just didn’t know if I could handle going in to the “fix me up” place today.  God, I can only hope I don’t break down in tears at any given moment while I am there! No, must maintain a professional demeanor at all times!

I feel so pathetic.  I suppose this business is all understandable and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  I am seeing Merlin #1 on Friday so talking to him about things will perhaps help? I just feel completely all spun around.  I feel like, again, some coping skills are going down the toilet.

I’ve got to get my shit together.  I’ve got to find a fucking job! Perhaps I should just keep forcing myself to keep going to “fix me up” place.  Use that as my routine, the stability that I’ve always needed.

Today, though? What the fuck has happened? I’m just a complete wreck.  And I just popped a goddamn Valium/Diazepam to maybe settle me? My moods are all well, not good, my stomach is hurting, I’m completely discombobulated in my thinking processes.  I mean, how long has it even taken me to put together this post (barring a couple of tea breaks–and I want another right now as I’m still not done proofing this.)

I’m just sitting here not being able to stand myself right now! I want so much to kick my brain into action, maybe not high gear just yet but I can’t.  Something feels broken but not the entire thing.  No.  All of my money is on the Amygdala in my Limbic System (oddly enough neuro thought I had problems there anyway…) as I’m all flipped out and scared and freaking.  Also, absolutely my Frontal Lobes because I can’t think straight at all.

Ah, Yes…I Have To Make A Post…

Don’t worry, my two other responders…the posts…I have you, I hear you… Anyone else–I’ll catch you too? Or if anyone takes a look at PA? I’ll get you. No problem. I always respond.

I’m not sure what to say. Merlin #1 was okay today. I mean, how could he not be? He’s a love. I’m…me? My sleep sucks so we’re upping the Seroquel/Quetiapine to 150mg for a bit.

He also said he was looking at my ADD “files” (that I supplied to him) and said, “Well, this isn’t really going to help you with all of the mood stuff too. Your ADD is just adding to it.”

PA Comedy Aside: ADDing to it…groan…

I was, like: ‘No, shit Sherlock.’

But, really. Merlin #1 knows my Bipolar and my ADD and yes, as I told him today–it’s a double-barreled shotgun loaded to my head right now. He didn’t disagree.

I said to him that I still had some of the 25mg tabs so we could use them for the 1,000mg dose that we just prescribed. It took me a minute to realise what I said 1,000MG of Seroquel!

I laughed and said, “Oh, did I say that? Should we get the horse tranquilizers out?!”

He laughed too.

The big question is, why am I sitting listening to my iPod with my headphones on when I have my iTunes collection on my MacBook

Despite technology and PAs body (and you all know it is falling apart–that is PAs body, not technology–if you’ve been reading for long enough anyway) she’s becoming paralytic. Basically?

EDIT: This song could not have hit at a better (or worse?) time for me or a few other bloggers I know and…maybe a post on my mind.

Weird how Shuffle works?

Do you want to know what it is?

Here’s the damn song that I was talking about that made me feel… Well, you’ll just have to wait as all the little boys and girls have their feelings about this one, eh?

You’ll just have to ask PA…maybe she’ll she’ll tell you…?…this time…this moment…and the last time…?

Merlin #1 Tomorrow

I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?

I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.

I am still hesitant.

I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!

The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.

However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.

But the other cuttings? *sigh*

The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?

And I know, I know…

I hear you all: “PA STOP DRINKING! STOP DRINKING!”

Yes. I know.

I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.

Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!

As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?

Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.

Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!

Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.

But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.

As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?

And I still hear you…

I told you CheddER come and get me…

PAs Cocktail And… *shrug*

I was having a bit of a discussion with beartwinsmom about meds last night so I thought you might get a kick out of this. Yes, every current med that is prescribed for me at the moment. What do you think?

NOTE: photo taken down as personal information was still visible even though I thought it would not be. Extreme thanks to the two bloggers that emailed me. If you wanted to know, there were 10 scripts in the picture and it was quite cute.

And I’m sure other people might be on more meds? Hmmm?

So what else is happening today? Well, I got up earlier and tried to knock some things off my glorious “To Do” list from yesterday. Uh huh. I grabbed a bunch of stuff from work and promptly tossed it in a drawer. That’s right. Something to definitely add to my resume?

• Extremely capable of procrastination and avoidance of things that are disliked, annoying and/or are simply too tedious to accomplish.

*PA rolls eyes*

No, no…will get to it all. And rest assured, I will not (or try to) bother you with my daily accomplishments. Well, unless they are huge and big shockers!

I’m trying to figure out what to do next. I’m feeling a bit more ADD and spun around than usual, perhaps? Okay, that might be understandable all things considered. I spent way too long on the computer last night too. I didn’t eat. Not good. That indeed was ADD full throttle: Hyperfocus Maximus.

Alright…best move along now and…erm…I don’t know…

Things To Do

So I got up today and said, “To hell with it. You’ve got to start making some kind of list or something…whatever.” This is in no particular order, of course. I don’t know if it’s in any order. Some of it may completely make no sense but still, they may be at least “options?” Or something? God, I wish ex-partner was still around. She was always so good at organising me.

And for shits and giggles, I’ve turned on the “Possibly Related Posts” thingie or whatever as I want to see how that is…ahem…progressing. No doubt with this list if it’s still all wacky and FUBAR there might be some, shall we say, “interesting” results? When I just turned it on now, I could only see it activate for my…wait a minute…

It’s quite random. Perhaps as much as the list you are about to read? Links are not showing up for all of my posts, some of the links are merely links to my older posts (I don’t give a shit about that–read my archives all you want) but some are to–yes, of course–totally unrelated blogs/posts! Actually, one was a mental health blog. Okay. Fine. Of the few that I checked, only two had the “thingie” turned on. Or at least for the post that had the link on my blog?

Forget it. They are totally UNrelated… I couldn’t for the life of me think why the people would come here. Or others from there to here. Or from Pluto to my blog. Vulcan, yes. My home planet does come and visit me but these other “random” bloggers? And…ugh…I’ve gone over this…why the hell would I send people there! I do not have the time to check them out, read them as it looks like I am basically “endorsing” them. At least to a new reader? Someone who doesn’t know from WP or a blogger not using WP?!?!?!

Oh, feck it. My blood is starting to boil all over about this business again. As some people have said on the WP fora, perhaps a way to see the Possibly Related Links beforehand and then decide? Still, isn’t that a lot of work to check out the other person’s blog? I don’t care if there are links back to MY posts but it’s just so…GRRR!

Okay, this is going to be a loooong post with My List:

Things To Do

1. Kill the dog upstairs who is barking incessantly. No! I love animals! Kill the contractors working on the house next door who is making the dog bark incessantly.
2. Buy an XL package of Depends™ as I almost lost something tremendously valuable today. Let’s hear it for the good ol’ ADD! And that would be an XL package. I would need size XS.
3. And speaking of pooping my pants (okay, which I am not doing…) Laundry. Which I am doing.
4. Clean my flat (an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
5. Keep eating (also an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
6. Sort through my email. Oh…I am petrified daily to log on to my accounts due to the volume of items from work. How does one accumulate so much?! Well, from not owning a home computer for years! One could not afford one. One could only afford baby MacBook v.1 just recently. Then, it got destroyed and one had to buy baby MacBook v.2
7. Drink lots of tea. Wait, I already do that. Does that still count? Sure, why not.
8. Sort out my closet and find old clothes to donate to Goodwill or some other place in preparation for new “femme” clothes or other ones that will fit me.
9. Get a haircut in preparation for interviews–or sooner? *shrug*
10. Go shopping for clothes. Hmmm… I can not stand shopping. Bring someone along with? Filmmaker? She’s good with clothes but a bit bonkers and might drive me crazy. Our tastes might be different too. Ex-partner? I think she despises shopping but maybe not to the same degree as I do? Plus, I have a couple of ideas where to start. Perhaps drag someone else out along when getting desperate.
11. Mail some financial blahbbity-blah form that should have been done months and months ago. At least my taxes are done…
12. Ah, yes…clothes. Wear my scrubs a lot. I am today. They make me happy.
13. When I go see gastro man for my next appt., ask him for a pair of his as he said he would give me some since I am such a Scrubs Slut.
14. Say “Scrubs Slut” in an evil voice over and over again as it sounds like “Redrum” from ‘The Shining.’
15. Try to remember to work very hard on my Dysgraphia in preparation for any work forms that need to be filled out (note: mine is basically the “Dyslexic” form although I am not Dyslexic–I just screw it all up, get this and that bass-ackwards, it’s messy if I’m under pressure…) It’s common in people with Tourette’s, AD(H)D and those on the Autistic Spectrum.
16. Unpack work items…ugh.
17. Update resume…ugh.
18. Find some placement agencies/headhunters (now, that makes my head ache.)
19. Stop drinking (oh…just a bit…?) *PA makes unimpressed face*
20. I found some weird courses offered up in a local rag…check them out (and subsequently find they are all inappropriate?)
21. People have suggested some job prospects. Check them out, what else is on the market and then sink further into depression?
22. Email and/or call outstanding people to tell them WTF is going on.
23. Totally tweak my iTunes library as a lot of stuff stinks and some more things can be added? That’s way overdue.
24. Reinstall some software that I didn’t do right the first time. That’s way, way overdue.
25. Call P. I met from hospital as he suggested we get together last weekend. He never called me. He hasn’t been well as (well…he told me) but we always play telephone tag and when there is a long time in between, it’s usually because one of us is having some kind of hard time.
26. I found a T-shirt design contest, however, see above software install issue. I have absolutely no design skills anyway but maybe I can come up with something crap and because it’s crap, it will win. This is because a “Crap Is In” motto is behind the whole thing…in their heads…so that’s the ploy and it will sell.
27. Wash my sheets and fix my bed. Or beat my own record in my own “Nutcase Bed Poll” on my sidebar. Honestly, I think I’ve already beaten my own record.
28. Blow everything in my bank account, renounce all worldly possessions, run away to some small, foreign country and meditate atop a mountain for the rest of my life.
29. Think of things I can sell in my flat to make some money.
30. Take up my mother’s offer stay at her place, promptly buy a gun and then shoot myself before actually moving in.
31. Tell Escher to “Piss off!” as he is continually calling me. Sometimes he leaves messages and sometimes he doesn’t. When he does, he always says, “You don’t have to call me back or anything…” He drives me nuts with his Passive-aggressive bullshit. Even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. Not to mention, my life is hell right now. So is his but other people are giving me space. Just because he has this “pie in the sky, we are cosmic-meant-to-be-in-this-world-together-idea,” we are not joined at the hip. Nor are we “partners” as much as he might like us to be. I am sorry. I am gay; you are a man. /Escher rant
32. Keep taking my Valium/Diazepam.

I know. Quite a list and I’m sure it’s not all encompassing *wry grin*

Not A Very Good Day

Well, to start I had a very near miss with the hugest amount of bird shit outside today. No. It was probably the largest amount of flying faeces I have ever seen. I have actually had a bird (well, two?) crap on me twice. The first was square on the top of my head and the second (more disgustingly) was on the front, all over my sunglasses and almost in my right eye and my mouth. Blech.

They say it is supposed to be good luck. I am still awaiting my ship (both…) to come sailing in.

So, depressed, depressed, depressed.

At least I made it out of bed to go see Merlin #1. The appt. was not as stellar as last time but whatever. Excuse me if I repeat something you may have read in a comment I made on another post to sodajerk but I will elaborate more as it was something covered in our last appt. and in today’s.

I seem to be stuck in an odd form of “inertia.” Although some physicists may look at PA and shake their heads. But bear with me. If you can imagine my mental illness as a form of motion–even if it paralyses me at times–it is a form of motion. It can cause me to be spinny, anxious, confused, hyper…you get it. If we were to box up all of those different “forms” of motion and label them simply as the mental illness/es, that is my “straight line.” Now with my current situation, I feel compelled to “do” something about it. That is then the force that sends me off into another direction. Of course, the mental illness component comes back and I go off into another direction.

And on and on and on.

Now that may not be exactly right but it’s close?

Regardless, it’s fucking me up. There are things I want to do, things I feel I need to do but how the hell can I do those when I can’t even get my laundry done? I haven’t even unpacked all of my shit from work as I don’t feel I can even look at it, not to mention the fact that it also feels like an insurmountable task in the motivation department. See laundry comment, above.

So on the way home, I picked up my scripts. I now have a month’s supply of Valium/Diazepam b.i.d.! Whee! And hey, if I only take them q.d. that’s two months! Good lord. Am I now developing a lovely dependency on Valium? Well, PAs anxiety isn’t exactly pretty these days. I also got an order put in for Tantum/Benzydamine. Now, if you ever have a wickedly sore throat, get your hands on this stuff if you can! It is the best. It’s this green, almost iridescent gargle (but DON’T swallow it…ewww!…barf and not good for you!) However, it works so well. I bought another case of Ensure as I needed more of that.

I also stopped off and sat on a patio and had some beer and thought about how drinking really isn’t good for me and I should not be doing it. I know. Actually, I’ve had conversations with people while drinking about alcoholism, addiction and just how disastrous it is.

“Ugh. Drinking. When you have a problem with it. It’s just so awful.”

“Oh, I know! I’ve got to stop. I really do…”

“Me too. It’s fucking up my life. Bad.”

“Yeah. The things I’ve done…and now?”

“Fuck. I’ve got to quit. It’s getting out of control.”

“You and me both.”

“Want another and we can talk some more about it?”

“Okay, sure.”

*PA rolls eyes*

I came home and took a shower. I thought that might relax me a bit. I was going to say, score a point for self care but I guess the beer drinking kind of nixed that. And I haven’t had anything to eat today so now I’m definitely in the red.

Merlin #1 asked how my appetite is and it’s fine…yes? He also followed up with another good one: am I enjoying my food, liking the taste? That’s actually a pretty cool question for someone who feels like shit and may not want to eat. I said I was. Food still tasted fine. We did a weigh in as well. I still seem to be floating somewhere between 100lbs.-90lbs. so that is good.

I also saw my hairdresser while I was out. Great guy. Brit. ex-pat and we sit around drinking lots of tea when I come in for my appts. I told him “the sitch” and that I was way overdue for a cut. And that we might need to try something else. Not that my style isn’t bad. But that I was considering an entire makeover. Well, certainly a significant one. Yes, I think I am going to femme myself up a bit–for sure. That will be a little bit of torture, though. PA loathes shopping.

Well, I guess that’s it. I really hope I feel better soon. I’m a compulsive list maker so I feel I need to start doing that and just bloody, well, dammit try and get things in order. Argh.

It’s Done. It’s Over.

It took me two whole days but I guess the “funeral” is over.  I finished cleaning up my computer and then packed away all of my personal items and…well, that was that.  That is that.

Yesterday’s post was “Knackered Or Numb.”  Well, I am still definitely knackered.  Numb? Maybe a bit but no…the pain of the grieving process is coming back.  Bad.  I am so grateful and happy I will be seeing Merlin #1 on Monday.  I hope my Valium/Diazepam lasts until then.  A refill should be at my pharmacy by now? I should call.

Bloody hell.  If not, I shall use them sparingly and go back to my “All Time Saviour” OTC Gravol/Dimenhydrinate.

When I finished everything up, I didn’t know if I wanted to pass out, throw up, cry or all three.  Instead, after I took my taxi ride home, I went to Grocery Man’s place and G. stopped by.  We all had a visit and dinner.  I thought it might be a good distraction instead of sitting alone here all by myself and completely wallowing in depression.

So…a few whiskys and some pizza later…

I walked home in some damn cold temperatures and a bit of rain.  Oh, even the weather is being me!!! I am still a bit sick too.  The first opportunity to see a doctor at this new Walk In Clinic in my neighbourhood would have been tomorrow because all of the work stuff but I am soooo tired.  I feel like I just want to sleep for 40 years.

I guess I’ll see how I feel when  wake up? Maybe a good, full weekend of rest will finally put this beast down? Wow…this is crazy sick! That is why I am rather concerned if it is bacterial but it’s up and down like this, perhaps, viral? Because I am so stressed and out of it…maybe I just can’t fight it? I mean, I think today was the first time I actually ate in…what…two days?

I know.  That’s not good but I have just been so upset and having a hard time dealing with things.  When things get like this, self care (like eating?) goes out the bloody window!

So I think I need to rest now.  Yes.  Try? And…well, I was going to say not to cry but no…I should cry my eyes out until they just stop if I want to, yes?

I have your comments–yes–and will get back to you…as soon as I can.  Promise.