Sorry, What Was That? Huh? Okay, That Last YouTube and the “Woman” Post I Was on the Fence About

Sorry for the title of that last post, everyone. A bit cryptic about the lyrics of the song? It probably doesn’t even make sense.

Isn’t a bitch when life turns around and bites you in the ass? Well, not really turns around and bites your ass but maybe nips at your heels a bit?

So I just put up that song because I’ve been thinking to myself a little of some “reminiscences.” As such, I have come to the Grand Conclusion that:

“Women: can’t live with ‘em; can’t live without ‘em.”

Maybe Bill would agree with his song?

This might sound a bit of an odd statement for PA to make as she is, in fact, a woman but for at least the first portion…well, believe me, there are many a day when I can not live with myself!

So the first portion of this post title? It’s kind of like the majority of all of my relationships with women–sort of a “Who’s on First, What’s on Second…?” deal. Bill’s lyrics? Leave the young thing alone? That could/would/should be me? Except not so “young” anymore? “You, know, you know….leave it alone PA!” You’re fucking older and wiser!

Sure.

Shall I dare continue? This is leading me in the direction of a post that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. I don’t know about any other bloggers out there but when PA gets tired (and she is very tired today) her blogging becomes more open and vulnerable. She may toss up some things that she may not normally write about?

Alright. However, bear in mind that I am tired so this may not be written as well as it could have been at another time.

There are two types of women that PA is attracted to. And also, traits and characteristics are not mutually exclusive here.

The first is the type of woman that seems to possess many accomplishments that PA wishes she had achieved. All of the types of things that PA felt that she might have been able to do with her life? Things that she may have been capable of? Also, this type of woman can usually do things that PA can not do. They usually possess some kind of talent. PA has no special talent or ability in any field. PA does not wish to say that she places this type of woman on a pedestal like an idol but…well, PA can be prone to extremes.

Still, this type of woman almost seems to be so…powerful in the way they “have it all together!” Maybe in the way that they “have it all?” We all know not to judge a book by its cover, the grass is always greener, all of that stuff but these women are just so not like PA. They are usually ultra-professionals, they can juggle a million balls in the air at the same time, they are brilliant and successful. These women are also (generally) not mentally ill.

Then there are the crazies. Now, the nutcases can also be professional, successful, brilliant, talented…all of that. We know that mental illness does not discriminate. However, with the loonies, PA becomes the rescuer. She wants to save them and help them so much!

Now, with the first type of woman, is PA looking to be “rescued?” Bloody hell, get me away from Freud! Or maybe it’s just my childhood (that I had to take care of my mommy so there was no mommy for me?) Dammit! That’s early Freud with repressed thoughts and feelings!!! Nail banged squarely on PAs head re: both types of women???

A scary thought for any women out there wishing to date PA, perhaps.

So, back to the head case women, like PA. There’s an automatic bond there. A mutual understanding right from the get go. That can be very significant. It can also be and/or become really fucked. Because when you get two lunatics together in a relationship, it can turn into a veritable powder keg of emotional psychosis. Trust me. Been there, done that…self harmed over it.

Gabriel… over at …salted lithium wrote a post about Relationships: Crazy+Crazy=Insanity=Relationship Death(?) (my wording.)  This was a while back but I can’t remember the exact post, where and when it was written so here’s a link to the site in general.

It was a discussion of sorts as to whether it was possible that these relationships would work. Could they survive? My comment was that, again, from past experience rather difficult? Maybe they would not survive? However, I would not rule out the chance if I really fell for a woman who was mentally ill.

My post is more personal, however.

Oh, and before I proceed, physical attractiveness is an imperative for both of these types of women. Sorry, that may sound shallow but let’s be truthful here.

So based upon the two types of women that intoxicate (toxicate?) me so much, I often question whether or not I will have a successful relationship or a partner ever again in my life. I feel on the one hand, with the uber-successful, “Wonder Woman” type, I will not measure up. They will be looking for a woman of the same calibre. With another crazy (who may be similarly uber-successful) it may be the same thing.  She may be looking for another “Wonder Woman” but even if she did want to be with me, would it turn into “Mentalness Circus Maximus?” And I’m not simply speaking of the chariot racing done in ancient Rome!

The only relationships that I’ve ever had that have lasted for any recognisable duration have been with the…I don’t know…”in-betweeners?” They haven’t really been mental, they haven’t been uber-successful, they haven’t had any special abilities or talents…I haven’t been physically attracted to them. The only one good thing is that at least they put up with me being a total nutbar and that does take a special person. When someone is prone to Bipolar flip outs and roller coaster rides, ADD spasticness, self harm, self medication…gee, what the hell else am I capable of? I guess my seizures and migraines aren’t such a big deal. They are pretty much under control anyway and don’t make me go off the deep end. Okay, lately there’s been a bit of bizarre increase in moodiness with my migraines but that is neither here, nor there. I am not involved with anyone at the moment, right?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. No, really. I have. It’s been an ongoing pattern in my life–such strong attractions to women that are either terribly unattainable or terribly not good for me and cause me so much strife and pain. The former women leave me heartbroken and the latter women just end up being very unhealthy for me.  Well, in the end they both cause me pain? But still…both are so potent and I can’t help it. I can’t just say, “No! Don’t be attracted!”

I understand we can’t help being attracted to whomever that may just saunter past. Those that may cross our paths, enter our lives but shit, you know? Again, you would think I would have learned something from all of this! Some way to hold back? Some way to put on the brakes and indeed, say, “No!”

The only thing I can say, ‘no’ to is the fact that I can’t say, “No!”

Topamax Brain Blast

So, it’s nice to see you all down there. I always wondered what earth looked like from way up where in I am space right now. It is actually quite realistic from the pictures they show you from the shuttles and all of that. And I’ve finally gotten to experience anti-gravity! I have wanted to do that ever since I was a child! It’s like a dream come true!

*PA laughs*

No, no…I’m just on my bed, typing away on MacBook as you all are thinking. However, I really do feel like I am in outer space or at least in some other…land?

I wanted to post about something else today but shall do that tomorrow–obviously this takes priority as it’s just so…whoa. I mean, Merlin #1 and I? I think we made an interesting decision here!

I took the first 100mg increase of my Topamax/Topiramate last night as I said I would since all of my appointments were done as of yesterday. If memory serves, because my cognitive abilities are extremely screwed right now (will get to that in more detail re: ACs and Topamax) I waited a little bit before taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine before bedtime. Wow, am I glad I made the decision to wait until the weekend!

I didn’t go to bed extremely late last night (did I…?…oh, fucking memory…did I come home and watch a bit of television?) I know I sent off a quick email and that was around 2230hrs. That means I must have gotten home around 2200hrs or so–maybe earlier? The late arrival home was because I called Grocery Man as I thought he would be getting off from work at around the time I would be arriving back in the neighbourhood. I thought it might be nice for a visit. It turned out he was sick with a bit of a cold and had taken the day off but no problem. So we had a visit, listened to some music and had some soup and toast for dinner. It was a rough week so I did get a wee bit tippled on some whisky.

I know. Right on the heels of talking with Prester John (now known as Greybeard) about drinking on Valium. Not to worry, kids. Again, just a bit of relief and relaxation because of all of the stress. However, I will note that initially it did seem to make PA a pretty cheap date. Then it just seemed to move off to…well, who knows? Regular PA drinking? Or maybe there was still some Valium/alcohol combined effect going on? I had taken the 5mg dose early in the morning. *PA shrugs*

So back to the good ol’ Topamax. Indeed, had I taken it the night before last, I don’t even know if I would have been able to make it to my appointment! I have been outside for a tea (not that it’s making a sachet of a difference) and a cigarette and I’ve just been walking around in circles. No, I was almost literally walking around in circles outside! Escher called and knows I’m on another crazy med overhaul and asked if I needed anything as I am obviously incapable of leaving the house right now. I told him that I am fine but might need some milk tomorrow as I am getting low on that. He said to call if so.

You know, speaking of cognitive impairment (I know…I said I’d get there re: the meds…) he’s right fucked. He said he was going back to work and now he’s not and I don’t know! I think he may have forgotten that I loaned him money. It was only sixty bucks/dollars/quid/euros/pounds…whatever you wish. I really don’t care if he pays me back. The funds are now gone from “PA International Mortgage And Loan.” The institution is filing for bankruptcy. Unfortunately, it may turn the world economy into yet another tailspin but that is just how Big Business goes sometimes.

Alright…Topamax and cognitive impairment. I apologize for it taking so long for me to get here but you obviously can understand why?

Now, all meds can come with some generalized side effects based upon their classes which pretty much makes sense–even if we still don’t know exactly how they work on our brains. With ACs, one of the biggies is cognitive impairment (followed by clumsiness!) Why the clumsiness, I’m not sure but the cognitive impairment? Maybe to do with GABA and Glutamic Acid and when it gets turned into Glutamate–a precursor to GABA. GABA is linked to memory? GABA is linked to seizures and the meds are of course Anticonvulsants–originally prescribed for seizures and Epilepsy.

But again, the clumsiness? Maybe if you get so stoopid you bump into things all the time? What bloody neurotransmitter is responsible for being swift and agile?!

Still, they are a very poorly misunderstood class of med and I believe this (at least for one reason) because they are so “multi-purpose.” They are used to treat seizures, Bipolar and migraines! I have always been so interested in possible links between the three–especially since I have them all! Others out there share the comorbidities as well. Maybe not all three but two of them.

I really think that Topamax is the worst in this area–the clumsiness/stoopid business. Some people may disagree. It was probably tied for the hardest hitting side effect for me along with loss of appetite/weight. Then there was the taste perversion (some things just tasted like crap!) and the paraesthesia (I got tingly in my extremeties.) The latter two went away and I did end up gaining a bit more weight and some of my appetite did come back. Also, a little less cognitive impairment but it’s still there (forgetting words: their names, meanings, spellings; I can get lost and turned around so easily, problems with memory…things like that?) Also, I’m on Lamictal/Lamotrigine so what does that have to offer me? I think I am a bit more clumsy now. Maybe a bit more cognitively impaired too? *PA rolls eyes*

Alright, I guess this is long enough. I did manage to write it too instead of just saying, “Hi, the Topamax has done me in. Laters.” And I don’t think there is any need for my Valium today? *laughing* Oh…PA turns into a little puddle on the floor. Unless for some reason I get really anxious about something…

20, 20, 24 Seconds To Go…I Wanna Be Sedated…

Okay, it’s not going to happen that quickly but I just got home from my GP appointment, stopped at the pharmacy and popped my first Valium/Diazepam about a half hour ago (at time of beginning this post.) Alright, let’s take it for a test drive. Let’s see what it’s going to do! Let’s see if my post goes completely downhill (i.e. the stuff works well!)

I am also completely knackered. I didn’t start with the 100mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine last night. Dork PA. I should have. I awoke in the middle of my restless night at some point and ran to take another 50mg. So, what, big deal. Not enough time. I also had to wake up early to go on a two hour long trek to see my GP. Yes, a bit far away from where I live.

My lovely GP. She took one look at me and quite obviously saw I was in rough shape. I as I walked into one of the examining rooms, I felt her hand lightly on my back as she led me in. Again, bless. She said that she had a medical student with her and was it alright for her to come in. I could tell she was a student as I had seen them talking before I went in and I had never seen her in the office before.

I said, “Sure, she can spend some time in hell!”

My GP said, “Oh, no..” in a sort of a…it’s not that bad, manner.

I turned to the medical student, a very nice looking young girl and as I plopped into the chair, I eyed her and then said: “I have a very interesting brain…” *PA rolls eyes* Well, come on guys! You know it’s true!

My GP knew nothing of “the hell” as lovely nurse had not relayed the information–just booked the appt. So off I go. Also, it wasn’t a 30 min. counselling type, just a “regular” medical type. PA needed to try to convey everything fast! And that she did. Yes, yes…off I go in my typical med geek fashion… At one point, I needed to stop so my GP could take a break and update my file. She turned to the med student and smiled.

She said, “PA isn’t your typical patient…” I almost started laughing but I felt so shitty I just couldn’t. I simply retorted: “Ah, yes…you should have become a doctor, PA…you should have become a doctor.”

Crap, I need a tea. I haven’t had any today and something tells me that this is going to take long enough to write and edit anyway? I’m not sure but the Valium might be allowing my white and grey matter a luxurious swim in the GABA pool right now. Ahhh… And it’s been 45 min. now since dosing.

Be back soon…

Alright, so on we go with discussing everything and then she gets around to the issue of cutting and suicidality. I told her that of course, of course. But only when I’ve been cycling. Time to ‘fess up, though. I thought I had the “tools” to remove my sutures but I don’t. I needed her to remove them. I told her about it and the issue of my migraines starting to do me in as far as the mood department as well. Also, that neuro thought my migraines had caused the Complex Partial Seizure that I had in early December. She asked what neuro had to say about it. I told her that I hadn’t relayed the information as I had just sort of pieced it together recently. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing him until August as both the MRI and EEG were clean.

The med student removed the sutures. Poor girl. I don’t know if she was really nervous or…well, I don’t think I intimidated her! She removed the sutures alright but the cut is still open just a touch. So put on some Steri-strips. She wasn’t getting it quite right and I was tempted to advise her but I didn’t want to embarrass her!

I guess that’s about it? I’m not quite sure what to say about the Valium. I mean, it sure beats (or seems to be beating?) the Serax/Oxazepam that I took years ago. I read on the little patient monograph from the pharmacy that smoking can reduce its levels. I actually didn’t know that. *laughing* Again, like PA knows everything, right? Still, it’s not like she’s a crazy, “pack-a-day’er.” Oh, no. Not to mention, we’re starting off q.d. (once daily) and then moving up to b.i.d. (twice daily) if required. But it’s also kind of on a p.r.n. (as needed) directive as well. I mean, if I suddenly wake up feeling all grand and don’t need them, great! I think that is doubtful at this point. What do you guys think? Not to be all “negative sounding” or a “real downer” about my mental (un)health but you can’t just “pep talk” your way out of Bipolar madness.

I’m seeing Merlin #1 again in about two weeks. My GP wants me to call her immediately afterward to see how things are going. Even if it’s just for a telephone chat (again…wow…she does not do this…well, maybe with other patients but realistically, other GPs do not!) You need to make an appt.! At that point, we will also readdress the whole benzo situation as I think she is hesitant about keeping me on them. I don’t think Merlin #1 gives a toss. Regardless, if my anxiety is still high, it will still need to be controlled, correct?

Right now, it is a complete baseline while I am conscious…well, probably while unconscious, too. It’s this undercurrent that WILL NOT go away. It might if I end up going all (hypo)manic but I crash and it just ends up coming back.

I’m still on the fence about starting the Topamax/Topiramate increase. I still have some things to do tomorrow (boy has this been an exhausting week) so I might wait until Friday night when–if necessary–I can let my brain go completely haywire with no responsibilities or things that need to be taken care of.

Okay…going to go have another cuppa? And see how this Valium ride works out? It is kind of making me laugh a bit…hmmm…just maybe a little “happy pill?” I guess they didn’t call it “Mother’s Little Helper” for no reason, right?

Getting Back To “Normal?”

First, thank you to everyone who has read, commented, been available for email…it’s really meant a lot.

Second, I can not stand the last word in my title. What on earth is “normal?”

So back to work today. I was afraid I was going to catch serious hell for being totally shitfaced and plastered when calling from hospital! I didn’t even know what time I called but I had a record on my mobile that said it was just past 0330hrs. WTF? What time did I get home? When did I cut? How long did it take me to shower and get all cleaned up? I know it took a bit to get through triage… And the upstairs tenant! I made a huge ruckus and was falling all over and she helped me inside to my flat. I should fucking buy her some flowers! Her father is with a woman who has Bipolar so she knows mentalness. And she knows I have Bipolar (amongst other things.)

But no work problems? No one said boo?

My paranoia stemmed from catching serious hell before for being “caught” re: drinking many years ago. I believe I blogged about it before and it’s categorized under Self Medication.

I am feeling still sort of…blah today but, again, I suspect that should be “normal.” I imagine it will take me a bit to get back to the level of wellness that I was feeling before this happened. It has been fairly busy today and that has helped keep my mind occupied somewhat. Somewhat. However, as the day has been moving on I do seem to be…”moving on,” as well? Time. That is what is needed, I suppose.

My next appointment with Merlin #1 is in less than two weeks. Fuck. I am reluctant to discuss all of this *sigh* At hospital when in triage, they only confirmed my GP and really, I don’t recall ER records being sent to GPs. No. They never asked for neuro’s name when I went into all of the migraine and seizure talk. Nor did they ask for Merlin #1’s name with all of obvious mental crap and the automatic psych eval ordered! Here, you usually have to sign a release to have records transferred? Unless those are the ones with your primaries? Well, I know I’ve had to do it when going inpatient.

Oh, hell! I don’t know. It’s not like my GP will call to check on me anyway. Well, she might. She is that nice? Doubtful, though. If I wanted to talk to her myself I’d have to go and see her.

I could very well keep this to myself. Would it serve a purpose to get into it all? I’m still at odds and confused as to how it really came about! I have been quite stable for a while and the only mood changes seem to occur with the migraines. Any other weird triggers? Stressors?

Well, baby MacBook got destroyed and that ticked me off but, really? Then the news of my colleague’s friend who died. That did upset me perhaps more than… Well, some folks might just take it as “terrible news” and move on. But it really got to me. However, the migraine hit around that and the moodiness can last as a prodrome symptom for a while. In the past with me, it hit ridiculously quickly and my “prodrome” was basically the migraine itself! And way back the moodiness hasn’t been this bad!!!

And the fucking alcohol. How does that factor in? The tipping point? I’m sure had I not been drunk I wouldn’t have done it. However, had my moods not been so messed up, I don’t think I would have done it either! No! I would have just bloody gone to bed!

I feel I have rather a strange conundrum on my hands.

I was going to go out and buy new baby MacBook yesterday after work but everything went to hell so I couldn’t. I toyed with the idea of going out to do it anyway but I was too exhausted. I stayed up for a bit but eventually decided to order up some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate as an appetizer and then my Seroquel/Quetiapine as a main course. Nighty night.

I need to pick up some Polysporin/antibiotic cream for the mess I’ve made of myself and some other things from the pharmacy on the way home. I was thinking of the scissors to remove the sutures too but I’ll wait for those to see how I heal and how everything looks when I need to pull them out. I might need more than 10 days as I question how well my body heals these days. I don’t believe it is doing as well as it has in the past because of the gastro stuff.. I am probably (possibly?) somewhat nutrient deficient and not so healthy? I do not know.

So I called the tech yesterday and cancelled. I guess I will go in today and drop my load of cash. He won’t be in but I can leave it for him and he will do the data dump. I then will have to wait until Thursday because of the shop’s hours to pick it up. I can’t get there in time after leaving work. Whatever. I also confirmed with Apple (although the AppleCare service person seemed a bit daft about it–let’s hope I get a better one when I have to do it) that I can transfer my existing warranty to the new machine. That is good as I have about two years left.

So I’m going to keep working on trying to get my shit together over the weekend.

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m B Positive

TRIGGER ALERT: This post is going to be as messy as my bathroom became last night.

Run away, run away.

I just got back from hospital. Right arm this time. Did I decide to become ambidextrous in my madness last night? I am right handed and therefore all my cuttings have always been done on my left forearm.

I rotted away for quite some time–all night? Morning? I don’t know when I got there. I was too fucking wasted. Why? I don’t know. Trying to KILL MY FUCKING MIGRAINE??? Why did I cut? Hmmm. Well, that can be the $64,000 question for most cutters but I’ll get to that.

My fucking bathroom. I can’t even be bothered to clean it although in trying to clean myself a lot of the blood got washed away. Okay…here’s the ugly part so close your browser if you’re squeamish or don’t want to hear about some detail.

With my last cutting I went quite deeply into the subcutaneous fat. There was very little blood, if any at all. Rather strange as the fatty tissue just sort of “puffed up” and closed the would itself. Still, quite gaping and in need of some sutures.

Last night, not so deeply into the subcu fat and a whole lotta blood. More than any other before. I didn’t hit an artery or anything…just a whole whack of capillaries? I couldn’t get it to stop. Pressure, cold water…nothing. I threw myself into the shower to go to hospital and oddly enough the warm water managed to slow it down? A bit.

Okay, keep loading on the sterile pads, taping them up and then finally I wrapped a tensor bandage around my arm. I ran down the street (literally) and hailed a cab.

In the Emergency Department, I told them exactly what I had done and that I simply wanted sutures and did not need a psych eval or to be admitted. That may be why I wasted away in the waiting room for so long. Hey, at least they admired my wrap up job! I told them I was First Aid trained. No, I am. Really.

In my drunken state of insanity I left messages for both of my bosses. I’m at the hospital! Something about my migraine yesterday and my brain going haywire but that I would NOT be admitted–just sick today. Fuck…I don’t think I told them I cut *PA rolls eyes*

It doesn’t matter. They know all about me and everything I’ve done. However, I don’t think I let that escape my lips. Nah.

I met another nutter while waiting. A childlike OCD boy? Who also likes to be called by a girl’s name but didn’t seem to be MTF. Huh.

I finally got to see a doctor and of course I saw the psych hanging around waiting to do my fucking eval. I told them I didn’t need one! Oh, good grief! As if I wasn’t tired enough already! Don’t make me jump through the hoops of the system. Just fix me up and let me go home!

So I spoke to the doctor and (of course) geeked out in my typical PA medical fashion. He even asked me if I worked in the medical field *laughing* Oh, fuck me all to hell! PA does a cutting and speaks on par with the ER doc that mends her. Oh, but it gets better! Then we start moving on to the jokes!

A nurse came in and said, “Are you alone?”

He said, “Erm…no…there are two of us here…”

At first, I retorted: “Actually, I’m a mirage. A figment of your imagination!”

The doctor then said, “Yes…she’s an optical illusion.”

As the nurse was leaving, I thought of one more for the road: “Actually, I’m a CPR Dummy.”

The doctor started laughing out loud. He said, “Oh, that’s a GOOD one!”

Yes, only PA can pull off such stunts in the ER in the midst of a potential psychiatric crisis? Also right after this when I saw him outside of our little room talking to the psych about my eval, telling him I’m all peachy keen, I called out to the psychiatrist: “Yep, I’m fine but thanks!” I gave him a thumbs up when he looked at me and walked away. He just kind of nodded and off he went.

The doctor came back and sutured me up and said the psych was stunned he didn’t admit me. He said he was kind of stunned he didn’t admit me himself! It’s alright. Yes, PA is crazy but she’s not in need of a hospital bed.

We talked about the sutures and joked even more! He said they’d need to be removed in about 10 days. I started bitching because that would mean I’d have to go see my GP and show her. I didn’t want to ‘fess up and tell her I did a cutting *laughing* He told me to tell her that I walked in to a bank in the middle of a robbery and got slashed. I told him that was a great idea! I said, “Yeah, I can tell her I saved everyone!”

PA being her arsey self said that she could just remove them herself! He actually said sure, go ahead. I probably will. What the fuck is the point of going all the way to see my GP to remove dumb sutures that I can do and explain all of this horse shit!

So one of the things that I mentioned to my nurse and the doctor was the increase of the migraines and the effect upon moods. Now, this might be really going out on a limb here but do you guys recall that unbelievably, terrible one that scared the living daylights out of me by leaving me so depressed that I was virtually unable to get out of bed and I wanted to cut???

Now…if my migraines are causing my moods to get that fucking wingy, we have a VERY SERIOUS problem. Well, we don’t, I do.

So no more fooling around, here. I haven’t done a cutting in years! Again, this is horse shit! Apologies to all the cutters out there but I said the same thing when I wrote the post about being that debilitated and wanting to cut and how that just was not acceptable for me. That was exactly what I said.

Don’t get me wrong, fellow cutters. You know I understand…you KNOW I do. It’s just that I’ve stayed away from the knife for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I do understand that I was able to make light of it so much. And I’m really not unstable–completely?! A brain malfunction? Because the funny fucking thing is, I don’t really feel super, duper, uber bad today. I’m exhausted, drained…well, certainly low! I mean, I did a cutting…la-de-da-de-da…let’s all skip down the road in the sunshine, right?

I guess…I don’t know. When you don’t have the answers, what are you supposed to do?

This is not a funny subject but I’m still going to categorize it under humour because of my absurd behaviour and conversation with the doctor. I mean…come on. In a twisted way, that’s pretty funny, don’t you think?

*sigh* I don’t know if I should stay up or try to sleep or what. I’m pretty fried and had some things to do after work today.

I’m kind of afraid to sleep. It’s like…what’s going to happen when I wake up next?

OMG, I Am Sooo Out Of It…It’s Happened Again!

I am somewhere between Jupiter and Saturn right now.  I mentioned in my last comment that I probably sounded so cranky yesterday as it was a migraine prodrome? Yeppers, Little Peppers! PA got another one!

The temperature got ratcheted up to near spring yesterday and now it’s back to frigid winter.  You know, being this stoned might be kind of fun if I didn’t feel like I was going to barf all over my keyboard and my head wasn’t hurting.  I’m not used to feeling this way with my migraines but that’s probably because in the past, with most of them, I’ve been lucky enough to just knock myself out and go to sleep.

Just for fun, I did a drug interaction check as I started taking Domperidone/Motilium for the nausea during the day so the Gravol/Dimenhydrinate wouldn’t make me completely pass out.  Would it make me feel this out of it with anything else I’m taking? Nothing came up.  That may not be surprising as it’s a tummy med but you never know.

This is getting beyond ridiculous.  I’m wondering if neuro can do anything.  Would increasing the dosages of any of my Anticonvulsants help for better prophylaxis? And his “theory” about the migraines causing the Complex Partial Seizure I had in early December.  Hmmm.  I’m still undecided about that one.  When I looked into it, what I found was that the type of headache was kind of rare and a bit strange, perhaps.  Also, it occurred more as an aura?  Still, neuro said that migraines can screw around with your cortex so…?

Well, let’s hope I don’t start to get all seizy.  I don’t think so.  I think it was an isolated incident.

Okay, I’d better get back to blankly staring at my computer screen and paper on my desk–in a vain attempt to get some work done.

My Head, My Stomach. No More Ouchies, Please?

Where shall I begin? From top down? Chronologically?

I never really wrote about my migraine yesterday as I was very out of it. I’m just a tad more coherent today, however. So let’s start with the migraine.

I am not particularly pleased that I seem to be getting these more frequently. Although they are not as severe or debilitating as ones prior, I am at least pleased that I am blogging about them. This is providing me with a record, more or less. I wrote, I believe, the last time that I may have to start charting them–or charting something! It was a joke that I made about charting my cycles and not for pregnancy reasons!

You see, with all of this, there were two “theories” that I was sort of proposing. My only trigger is weather. Over last fall (when things seemed to really get going in this department) and this winter, there has been a bit of a discrepancy–or a “theory competition.” Weather changes vs. my hormonal changes.

I have mentioned catamenial seizures and catamenial migraines before. Now, these typically mean they happen during menses or your period. I am not so sure about ovulation as your hormones are kind of working in another direction. Now, I know I am ovulating right now (but I’ll get to that.) Actually, most women know if their cycles are regular but there are other (or can be) physical indicators.

Yesterday, the weather did drop a bit in temperature but it really wasn’t that significant. Shit. So what do I do now? Wait a couple of weeks or so and see if my head goes ‘crash, crash, bang, bang,’ again? See if I feel all pukey or who knows what?

Tummy. Oh.my.god. This is the clincher that I am ovulating. The one thing that gastro-man and I couldn’t “solve” was that the pain portion of all of my symptoms wouldn’t completely go away when I would ovulate or get my period. We, or rather he, made a stupid joke and just said: “Hey, stop ovulating!” I did have to laugh. I mean, I guess if he didn’t have a solution then…what? And since I was feeling a lot better, it wasn’t as bad as before.

Well, welcome to ovulation in March! How does it feel? How did it feel last night when my sleep was constantly interrupted by it? How did it feel when I woke up and thought about calling in sick but then realized, would being at home sick take away the pain? No. Just kicking my hormones in gear and telling them to move along would be the only way!

I’ve never actually been stabbed before but it feels like someone is taking a knife (obviously a fairly large one) and jamming it right into my gut, all the way through my body and then outside my back.) Maybe it’s not a knife but one of these nasty guys or anything else they have available for sale. Yes. nin-JAH PA is getting sloppy and someone is attacking her in her sleep. It actually has nothing to do with her hormones at all.

I honestly can’t remember it hurting this much before during this whole ovulation/period business. I was saying to myself, ‘did you live in this much pain for a year or so back then?’ Well, I know this level of pain wasn’t constant but it was sometimes to this degree. It’s funny how you can forget how bad off you were either mentally or physically when you become well–or at least better to a point.

I’m seeing gastro-man in a month. I don’t know if there are any other issues that have come back (well, this is an outstanding one.) I’m not quite sure. Maybe? But here’s one that is kind of new. And here’s a link that is kind of coincidental as it’s about me ovulating again and stomach pain (I know…is this getting repetitive yet?) It’s also about the possible new symptom as mentioned above.

Also, if you don’t recall it or didn’t read it, there’s some information about the behaviour and it being tied Atypical Depression. I am not depressed.

Also…there is a fun anime YouTube clip from my all time favourite series “Cowboy Bebop” where three of the main characters eat magic mushrooms! I find it hysterical. You may too–even if you don’t like anime–I mean, beautifully drawn “cartoons,” if you will where they end up on hallucinogens in an episode?! No way on Saturday morning North American cartoons. And you’ll get to see my lovely avatar…Faye Valentine.

So here’s the post about all of that. Yes, it’s kind of all over the place. And I still don’t quite know why I’m waking up in the middle of the night craving food–yes, that is the potential “new symptom.”

It’s not every night. However, I’m not depressed. I’m not pregnant. I’m not taking Zyprexa/Olanzapine (an Atypical that makes you want to eat anything and everything that isn’t nailed down at any time, all the time.)

Both my body and my brain…I swear…

Monday Working Backwards

Actually, I do feel like I’m working backwards today.  On the way in to work, I may have gotten a bit of a migraine? I felt nauseous, yes.  Light? Oh, maybe.  Mood? Oh, who cares.  I popped the pills but wow, I can not believe how much I am in outer space today.  I have a bit of “shovel neck” as well and actually threw on my RSI wrist thing-a-whatcha-ma-whosit for mousing.  You see? My brain is mush and even writing this is going to be difficult.

Edit: Oh, it’s called a support! Gee, now how hard a word is that to recall?

Anyway, what I mean by “backwards” (and it just happened that everything went to pot first thing this morning) was let’s review what I did over the weekend.

Yes, I know.  Thrilling, but again I really can’t muster much else of a post right now.

Typical weekend mundanity of household minutiaty.  Yes, I am makingity up wordities.  It is quite funnity for PAity.  Although “mundanity” is a wordity–and “wordity” might be too as it’s out there–just another madeity up oneity.  And I won’t say “uppity” as we all know that is a wordity.

I managed to get my writing submission in–right down to the wire but not quite down to the wire.  I didn’t send it in at 2359hrs or anything but it was in the afternoon.  Okay, done.  Nothing new on the horizon but something may come up.

I finished my CD burnfest for my sister and wrote my own “liner notes.”  I had asked her what she wanted and what kind of music she was listening to these days.  She said, “Oh, whatever.  It depends what kind of mood I’m in.”  I see.

Now, this is rather dangerous for PA and her somewhat eclectic tastes? You may not have seen everything via MP3 Of The Moment as I have kind of been sticking to some things that…well, I don’t know.  I have some stuff…whoa! I might get someone to hit the dropdown and click: “Report as mature.”  Needless to say, sis didn’t get any of that!

So, some Tallis (of course) some “classical,” some “dance”, a “tear jerker” mix *laughing* and some “downtempo grooviness.”  I’m not even sure what to say about the last one.  Well, even the dance ones too.  I mean, there are some “typical” songs that I know she’s heard before with the dance CDs but some others? Hmmm.  Actually, some on the “tear jerker” that I also know she’s never heard before…

Ah, whatever.

I went to dinner with a guy I know in the neighbourhood yesterday.  That was nice.

What am I doing? This is such a shitty, boring post.  Thankfully, it’s almost time to go home.  I should just leave early.

Groin Pulls, Seizures And Exhaustion

Why do I feel like I have a groin pull?

No, PA hasn’t been getting any “action” lately. Unless you count…ah, never mind…

Maybe I’m just really exhausted? Oh, let’s hope I haven’t moved on from the Complex Partial Seizure I had in December to Tonic-Clonics in my sleep! No. I can’t be having crazy-ass (groin?) seizures in my sleep!

I’m just kidding. I’m quite sure I am not seizing in my sleep. Reason being…despite my current state of exhaustion (that does tie into this) I did have a flash of med/seizure insight today…that might relate to my past regarding the psych med bane of my existence EFFEXOR!!!

I apologize for that but Effexor and I DO NOT get along. We never did even though we had a very long and intimate relationship. It just took a while to figure out how difficult and disastrous it was! Sound familiar to a lot of you–even outside the realm of medication?

I updated my Medication List Page today but the actual update is neither here nor there because it was just about Domperidone/Motilium that is really a tummy med. However, I will take for any migraines during the day at work. It can be used for nausea without any drowsiness side effects so I won’t end up passing out at my desk.

So back to the lovely Effexor. This was, hands down, no question, without a doubt the worst medication for me. I probably blogged about it before but because I’m exhausted and my groin pull is bothering me I can’t be bothered to search my archives.

Here’s what it did–and if you don’t already know, I am someone with Bipolar that can not take ADs. Effexor is an AD. So, obviously it made me cycle like hell. In terms of that, the mentalness, I started cutting and made my second suicide attempt. As far as the other stuff…?

Physically, excessive yawning, myoclonus (twitchy, jerky muscle spasms) mostly in my legs (this was also an indication of a lowering of my seizure threshold.) So yes! Effexor is known to do this but at the time, my seizures weren’t dx’d. But they were happening. They’ve happened all my life. But Effexor made them “prettier?”

When I would drink? Oh…myasthenia (muscle weakness) to the extreme so I would be falling down all over. I mean, I almost got a concussion? Sleeping was the absolute worst. Night sweats, horrific nightmares, sleep paralysis, bed wetting (this was pretty much indicative of nocturnal seizures even though unconfirmed as I wasn’t seeing a neuro at the time…still, PA has never wet the bed from drinking!) And the wackiest of all: nocturnal orgasm.

Yes, feel free to chuckle away. Everyone else always did and said, “Hey! Give me some of that drug!” I would always say to them that it really wasn’t that sexy with all of the above shit happening, especially with the nightmares when you’re dreaming of train crashes and bloodied, dead bodies all around you! Yes, charming to get off on those images, don’t you think?

It was also very strange as I could make all of the night time sleep stuff happen if I missed a dose. Now how messed up is that? Forget to take your med for a night (or even two–then I’d really be in trouble?) and that is what happens!

So getting back to the bed wetting, seizures, exhaustion… After all of this stuff would happen and I would wake up, I would be so unbelievably out of it. I would feel like I was hungover but not like being hungover from drinking. No! It was like my entire body had been run over by a truck, my brain was in a complete fog. At times, I could barely speak…well, I could but I really wasn’t that coherent or I had to struggle very hard to be.

And that is when I had my flash of insight today. I never even realized because it was so long ago! If I was having nocturnal seizures, when I woke up, I was probably post-ictal! When some people seize and are post-ictal they can be so fucked up in so many ways. And I wasn’t on any ACs to control the seizures. Effexor lowers the threshold. Incidentally, so does Wellbutrin and I was on both for a period over time too…

Wow. It may be no wonder why I woke up feeling like such a bag of trash those mornings.

Not Such A Great Start To My Day?

I awoke to bright sunshine streaming through one of my windows this morning. How lovely you are all thinking? Perhaps on another day.

After I sort of became a little more aware from my cloudy headed, muddled state of mind, I paid a bit more attention to the sunlight. Oooh! That’s really bright! Less than a minute passed and as I started to become more mobile…oooh…I feel kind of nauseous.

Oh, no. Mood check? No, I don’t really feel irritable at all which is my “norm.” Well, not my norm! PA is not irritable, either in her normal state of “life” or when she wakes up in the morning! If you haven’t figured this out yet or are not familiar with prior posts regarding my wacky, bloody bean: migraine.

After a bit more time had passed and I could try and think a bit more clearly, how was my head doing–the most important part! I have a terrible time gauging pain levels. I have a very high tolerance for pain. I find it awful when you go to the Emergency Departments and they ask you to rate what is wrong with you on a “pain scale” between one and 10. I am reasonably sure I always rate myself lower than I really should. Perhaps I should always say “10″ to push me to the front of the queue unless someone comes in with a limb falling off to make me wait a bit longer.

Anyway, some unilateral business on the right side. Okay, better pop a Maxalt/Rizatriptan. No way I could take any Gravol/Dimenhydrinate! Not with going to work! *laughing* I’d be nodding off at my desk. Well, I kind of feel like doing that if I could but…I’m really not that sleepy. Just physically tired. And I look like a total zombie.

I just went down to the cafeteria as I thought I should have something to eat even though my tummy is still off (well, no kidding…no anti-emetic/nauseant!) Just looking at the menu of the “Daily Specials” made me feel worse. Hmmm. Some kind of short order comfort food? I went with a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich, some chocolate milk and a piece of carrot cake. I haven’t gotten to my carrot cake yet. Let’s just go slowly…

My head is still hurting too. Should I take another triptan? Ah, why not.

*PA pops melty, pseudo-minty, kind of chalk-like pill into mouth*

It’s melty for rapid action. The 10mg dosages (that I have) are supposedly (as directed) to be taken within two hours of each other if needed. But you can not exceed more than two in 24 hours. It’s now been about five and a half hours since I took the first. (Edit: at time of writing, not posting.) This should be interesting. I’ve only ever taken two…hmmm…maybe twice?

Thank goodness I have a drug plan as well! These are expensive meds! From what I could just quickly find, they are $12.95CDN per pill! Now, could you imagine if I had to take these daily like all of my other meds? The total would be almost $400CDN a month.

I just tried to do a quick tally of all of my head meds (I don’t know how accurate it is–and I didn’t look at crazy, online, shady “dealers.”) I think I’m paying around $300CDN a month? That’s minus the Clobazam/Frisium but it’s pretty cheap. And my Nexium/Esomeprazole. I don’t know if that’s right, though. Well, perhaps. $3600CDN+ on meds a year? That’s a pretty decent figure?

I get them in 90 day portions as well as I have a tiny co-pay. Even though it’s really tiny, why pay it every 30 days with all of the drugs I’m on? It would add up. So maybe the figure seems small if I’m getting huge portions all at once. I still have no idea as it goes through my insurance. Whatever.

Speaking of meds, migraines and nausea, my neuro gave me a script when I saw him last month for Domperidone/Motilium for nausea with these pain in the ass (I mean head) things. I guess I’ll get it filled as well as it doesn’t make you sleepy and helps with your stomach, apparently. *sigh*

I really don’t know what to say about this. I’m expecting my period any moment now, I guess, and I have mentioned the whole business about Catamenial Migraines and Catamenial Seizures. I’m thinking about my other recent ones and my cycle.

However, we’ve been plunged into yet another unbelievable deep freeze over the past 48 hours and are due to rise back up tomorrow to where we were before–about 10-15 °C! This February has been one of the worst in years. As I’ve said before, weather is my only known trigger. The weather was weird back when I had the others too. The weather? Hormones?

No. I refuse to believe it is my hormones! Well, that might be better as at least I know when they are changing! I do not know when the weather is changing, as the meteorologists’ reports are certainly less predictable or accurate than my body. I think. Yes, usually. Yes.

At least these migraines seem to be less debilitating than the ones from years before. Perhaps it is because I am now taking Lamictal/Lamotrigine and it, as another Anticonvulsant now added to my cocktail, is giving me some more prophylaxis. Still, this is rather unpleasant. I am not feeling well at all. My mood seems have dropped a bit as the day has gone on too. I’m feeling a bit down. One of the latter migraines really made me go low so some minor irritability may not be so much of a signal either!

*PA stares at carrot cake*

*PA stares at empty tea mug and knows that caffeine can help ward off migraines although today it hasn’t*

Oh, time for more tea anyway. It tastes so great and is comforting too.

Come on clock. Speed up so I can go home.