This one goes out to me. I've been wanting to stream it for a while now. I can't get this little earworm out of my head at times. It's kind of making me think of myself a wee bit.
In case you are curious, the vocalist is Sara Jay.
Also, a piece of trivia. This is the song that Neo in "The Matrix" is listening to when he is passed out on his desk, just before Trinity contacts him on his computer.
Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable. Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!
So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.
So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”
Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!
The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.
I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested. The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn. Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression. Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.
This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist. Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.” Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!
Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today. WTF?!
My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water. That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both. I’m sorry. I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat. I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water. I called and of course have not heard anything back.
Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning. At least nothing involving hot water. So, I swept up the floors. Good god. It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet. But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’
*gasp*
I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic. Sorry, mommy. You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!
NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!
Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*
*PA ponders everything else she’s got to do and thinks…what next?*
Well, to start off, I may be uber pooped. The regular folks who whoop it up around here might be able to guess why. What happens to PA when she gets totally wiped physically and totally stressed as well? Have you figured it out yet? If not, here’s a hint: 16 Across. A four-letter word, beginning with “S.” Still in the dark? I’m sick.
I woke up in the morning to go to Merlin #1 (and “Fix Me Up” afterward.) No chance. Sore throat, croaky voice, dizzy as all get out…ugh. Messages left. Back to bed. I had an inkling that something was coming on but I just thought I was tired.
Merlin #1 is so lovely. So sympathetic. He called back to book another appt. but the phone was in the kitchen. I woke up and got his message that was so caring. New appt. made. “Fix Me Up” wasn’t mandatory. Just me still trying to push myself. When I go there, I stay basically a full day and then come home and keep working. Hence my posts generally getting thrown onto my blog later. I still have so much to accomplish, therefore an ever growing “To Do” list. Perhaps I do need to take a day off (today) and just rest. It makes me feel shitty for doing so. I feel “lazy.”
Which sounds contrary to my post title. But this is what I wanted to write about yesterday.
A lot of the time, PA could be an acronym for “Pessimistic Asshole.” Oh, and by the way. I realised later that after my completely, reprehensible behaviour in contacting the person in my Passive-Aggressive manner? Oh, the irony. PA could serve as an acronym for Passive-Aggressive too!
So, on the way home on the tram yesterday, it started to rain. As the raindrops ran down the windows, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn’t care who saw. I was listening to a song at the time that I’ll put up after this post. Made me think…
Something tweaked in my brain. A little kernel. Something positive. Something positive?! Okay, what the hell does PA stand for now?! Preposterous Anomaly? Well, that may suit 100% of the time.
Was I so worn out that I was beginning to completely unwind emotionally? Maybe “Fix Me Up” is doing me some good? Hang on, let’s not go too far. I’m still not completely rosy about my future employment situation. I have only been going there for…what, a week or so? And this itty-bitty “revelation,” if you will, was more personal.
“Fix Me Up” is really good, though. Of course they try and motivate you but it’s not some endless Tony Little loop. Good heavens, no! Actually, it’s more like having a whole shebang of therapists at your disposal. I mean, I almost feel like disclosing the fact that I’m a total mental case at times! You can even ramble on about how cruddy you’re feeling to the receptionist!
I know. You’ve been waiting for my wee “kernel.” The thought that came into my head is that I should be more grateful for what I have. It was more than a general flash of insight as a few things came to mind. I’m not going to start making a list here, though.
I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on this blog and that is fine. That is fair. Yes, mental illness can be a “drag.” Life can be a “drag.” My current situation of being unemployed is definitely a “drag!” Oh, hell yeah! “Sing me the blues, Sistah!”
Have I taken some things, some people for granted? Yes, I believe that I have. I think it is a very easy thing to do, really. You get so caught up in life. How can you constantly “count your blessings” when there are so many things that you have to deal with in a non-stop manner? And that is just “daily” life. What about stressors or even worse, when full blown crises hit you?
I don’t want to get all cliche and spout the phraseology of not knowing the importance of things until they are lost etc… That is not what I’m talking about here–not about losing things, people. Sure, that sucks and hurts but I am speaking in a broader sense. Trying to recognise the value that things already possess in the “here and now.” Again, maybe not every hour, minute, second for can we really do that? Well, alright…think of really hardcore, disciplined, Buddhist training. Then, possible?
So, maybe the best place to begin is simply when something good does happen, say a little, quiet, “Thanks…” regarding whatever it was to yourself in your head.
Oh, and since the song won’t stay up on MP3 of the Moment forever, it was “Reap The Wild Wind” by Ultravox.
Here’s an MP3 for you on MP3 Of The Moment. When I found it when ex-partner and I were together, I just had to download it. Ex-partner (who is Jewish) just shook her head and rolled her eyes at me.
Poor ex-partner. She is exhausted from too much work and had to go to her mother’s last night for Pesach. I said to her, “Passover? More like ‘Passout.’” She agreed.
I often think that it might be nice to still be invited to dinners with her family over the Jewish holidays as they still care very much for me (as does she–we are still very good friends.) Maybe it might be just too odd or too much. I don’t know.
Anyway, here’s a pretty crazy song. It might drive you a little batty but it made me laugh and still does. Perhaps some of the kiddies might like it for their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs?
Oh, I just found this but no doubt all the media pundits/bloggers have been all over it since it happened.
Prologue: “Dr.” Laura (Laura Schlessinger) is more of a fucking whackjob than I could EVER be!
This may not be news to any of you out there.
Whoo boy.
Here we have the first lovely clip that ran on the Today show where our…I don’t even know what to call her…gets into a bit of a “theory” about perhaps why Spitzer/Shitzer went astray. You see, it was all Silda’s fault…well, so some people are interpreting it *PA rolls eyes* Regardless, whenever a man does go astray: it is the woman’s fault.
Oh, fuck. Make that that WIFE’S fault. I’ve got to find a name for her…okay…”Useless Tit.” Useless Tit would never approve of anything other than a God-Sanctioned-Hetero-Union. I should have said, “Wife.”
But the above clip gets kind of funky and it turns into a weird sort of clusterfuck (now Useless Tit would never approve of that!) There is this other panel of “experts” (including Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife Dina Matos…) and well, you’ll just have to watch it yourself. Not to mention, Useless Tit gets a little Freudian on you re: men learning their first connections to heterosexual relationships from Mommy…thus, if Wifey doesn’t nurture them, everything goes to hell in a brothel, right?
And you know? I thought I heard in a clip that Useless Tit had some advice for the Spitzer daughters (I won’t call them Shitzers.) Did Useless Tit say the same thing about them with Daddy? That they, and all other little girls, develop their heterosexual learnings from their fathers? I may have been hallucinating after listening to this shit for so long, however.
Either way, good fucking lord. Oops. Useless Tit wouldn’t want me taking “The Lord (Hallelujah!)’s” name in vain now, would she?
In the second clip here that ran on Fox, Useless Tit tries to do some weird ass back pedalling garbage like she’s getting all Freudian on herself and trying to masturbate her id, super-ego and ego all at the same time. Useless Tit tried to pull the same useless (tit) stunt later on Today but look out! In this clip, Useless Tit starts whipping out actual diagnoses for philanderers! No. I am not kidding. And how that all factors into the fucking around, the relationships and “Wifey’s” role.
Still, if I ever do become a man, I guess I’ve got my excuse all rolled up tightly thanks to Useless Tit. I just have to get married and say my wife is a complete dud, won’t fuck me like I want or do anything like I want! Then I’ll be off the hook and be able to screw as many other women as I’d like!
Unreal.
Now, I really think I need a drink. Or several.
Ah…and obviously the question that needs to be asked here is, what if the husband is not fulfilling his “dutiful” role? Can his “wife” go out and find some guy and bang his brains out senseless? Or even better, Useless Tit? Can she go find a woman and do it with her!!!
I am (still) so tired. I mean, this entire weekend all I have wanted to do is sleep 24 hours a day (although babies with colic may not sleep all that well.) Certainly, their parents don’t. But to help the wee troubled tots, they may just need some help with the five S’s according to the Wiki link:
Swaddling
Placing the baby on their Side or Stomach
Swinging the baby
Making a Shhh sound in the baby’s ear
Giving the baby something to Suck on
Well, I do like to be swaddled. It feels all comfy and good and yes…bind me *grin* Side, stomach…yes, I sleep comfortably that way. Swinging! Oh…I love to do that…and spinning and all sorts of repetitive movements…yes! A shhh sound in my ear? That might be weird and probably wouldn’t calm me down. No, it would probably be annoying.
Number five? Well, I’m way beyond pacifiers. Hmmm. Something to suck on? I think it’s best to stay away from that one.
Interestingly enough, there are lots of references to gastro problems as possible causes for colic in the link (if you don’t click on it or if you didn’t already know.) Two of which are GERD (that I already have) and lactose intolerance (that I have recently questioned!)
How funny as the colic reference started out as a joke. Originally it was to illustrate that I have been crying a fair bit over the weekend. And as contrast, it was that I simply felt that I was a baby that just wanted to sleep all the time.
I’m not depressed (as this might lead you all to believe.) No. I actually feel quite fine. I suppose this is a result of all of the “mental work” that I have been doing and am still doing. I guess it is exhausting me.
It’s a good thing, though. I don’t think I’m killing myself–either mentally or physically. I think it’s just a lot of hard, hard work.
I’m up a lot later (again) than I should be. Because of the exhaustion, I’ve been sleeping so late and then dragging myself around, trying to get things done and then sort of coming around…later. And then, that sort of screws me up sleep-wise. I know…I’m still sleeping and that may make me the envy of all the insomniacs out there, nonetheless! I’m sorry.
It’s interesting. Something’s happening. Or beginning to? I think?
It’s like, the more I lose; the more I gain.
Or that’s perhaps just one trite(?) phrase I could come up with?
I don’t want to keep getting all Buddhist on your asses. I really don’t. You might get very sick of me! Oh, PA! Take your Dharma and shove it! And realistically, like I said before, I’m not going to run off to a monastery myself.
*sigh*
Oh, and ironically the tummy-colic theories are…? My stomach isn’t so great. I went back to milk this weekend. Well shit, I don’t know. Some of my symptoms are back (pain, gas) but at least I haven’t lost my appetite. I guess I may have to keep watch over things and review with gastro-man? And GP tomorrow for our “major review” and tests and blah, blah, blah…
If I’m anaemic, I’ll have to go see gastro-man sooner than my next appointment anyway…oh, whatever.
*shrug*
Okay, I’ve got to go to bed but I’ve still got laundry going…getting up tomorrow is really going to suck.
I just wanted to throw this up fairly quickly today as that last post was erm…pretty bad. Well, no posts are bad but you know what I mean. It was pretty…depressing? Upsetting?
I’ll get back to editing this and writing more as soon as I can but I have a fair bit of work to look after. But just so you all know, I didn’t cut. I didn’t try to top myself… Be back soon to give you an update…
Okay, back now.
So after I posted last night, I turned off the computer and said to myself, “You need to sit down and think about some things.” Well, I’m always thinking about things but you need to really sit down and think about some things.
As often when have been troubled in the past, I reached for my books on Buddhism. This time, I chose one in particular. It’s called “Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-Kindness” by Chögyam Trungpa.
Now first off, if you don’t know anything about Trungpa, he was kind of…well, I won’t say a “crazy man” but he certainly was no stranger to controversy. He was extremely and largely responsible for bringing Buddhism to the West–in a…certain form. He may have been considered quite a bit unorthodox. He wore Western clothes and was married (but he wasn’t a reincarnated Lama so…okay…) However, he did get the honourific title of “Rinpoche” (precious one) but you don’t have to be recognized as a reincarnated Lama to get that.
He got all involved with Ginsberg and Burroughs when he formed the Naropa Institute (the first Buddhist University located in Colorado.) But probably the most controversial thing was that he was a bit of a lush. Yes, he drank a fair bit.
I know. Treat the body as a temple, you say?
Nonetheless, I like the book. I find it good and interesting for a few reasons. On a very practical level it’s small! I can carry it around with me and use it for reference if I need to have a peek at how to freakin’ deal with something on my mind. That certainly might be good right now? In fact, although I do keep my books in very good condition, this is probably the one that’s in the “roughest” shape from poring through it and carrying it around a bit in the past. Also, because it’s small, it’s a very quick read. I got through basically all of it last night–granted, I have read it before. And I think my desperate state of mind helped.
Another thing is, at certain points, I find it funny as hell. I mean, I did actually laugh out loud when I read a couple of portions. That was good. Yes, perhaps this man was a bit kooky or a renegade or something. However, the book still makes a lot of sense on a lot of points. No, really. But back to the entertainment value.
Alright, in how many Buddhist texts, treatises, manuals, any types of “guidance” or reference books would you find the word: “Shitty?” Yes. It comes up a few times. Or “shit.” I particularly liked this part, considering I need to make some changes:
Oh, and bear in mind when he uses the term “neurosis” or “neuroses,” it doesn’t hold any sort of connotation to mental illness–and that term isn’t used in mental illness parlance anymore anyway. Semantics. If anything, my interpretation is that it is basically the fact that you’ve lost your mindfulness, you’re off the mark, you’re acting in ways that are not parallel or in agreement with the philosophy etc…
Okay, what made me laugh about needing to change:
The first step is getting tired of one’s own neurosis. That is the first important thing. If you were not tired of doing the same thing again and again–all the time–if you were thriving on it, you would probably not have a chance to do anything with it.
But once you begin to get tired of it, you say: “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “Here I go again,” or “I should have known better,” or “I don’t feel so good.” These are the sort of remarks you make, particularly when you wake up in the morning with a heavy hangover.
That’s good, that is the sign that you can actually confess your neurotic crimes. You come back and you tell what you did last night or yesterday or what you’ve done previously. All these things are so embarrassing, it’s terrible. You feel like not getting out of your bed. You don’t want to go outside the door and face the world.
That real feeling of embarrassment, that totally shitty feeling…that sense that your whole gut is rotten, is the first step.
Okay, maybe it’s not that funny but wow. Keep reading that if I need to change some things in my life? And there’s a bit more about shameful feelings running so deep through the marrow of our bones to our hair and the sun coming out to mock us. Indeed.
I have to give you one more. This might be more funny. I found it so, simply because of the examples of “thoughts” he gave when speaking of “Shunyata.”
Shunyata translates to “Emptiness” but it doesn’t mean “Nothingness.” It’s a confusing concept. It’s very hard to wrap your head around. I’m not going to try to get into defining and explaining here. You guys can do your own research…sorry! And really, although Philosophy was one of my favourite (probably second favourite–well, one time around) subjects in uni. I am neither an expert in it or in Buddhism.
So his thoughts on the (fleeting…) thoughts of your mind and how knowing about that and remembering Shunyata can help you (well, that’s part of the chapter…)
Realizing that the confusion and the chaos in your mind have no origin, no cessation, and nowhere to dwell is the best protection. Shunyata is the best protection because it cuts the solidity of your beliefs.
“I have my solid thought,” or “This is my grand thought,” or “My thought is so cute,” or “In my thoughts I visualize a grand whatever,” or “The star men came down and talked to me,” or “Ghengis Khan is present in my mind,” or “Jesus Christ himself manifested in my mind,” or…
So, that’s the part that gave me a chuckle. Oh, boy. However, he does go on to calm things down a bit and explain that while all this is happening, nothing is really happening. He makes the analogy of looking at these thoughts as if they are masks. They may have a face but if you turn them around, they are hollow.
There’s a lot more in the book too…I won’t go on about it. I have a couple of more that deal also in a Western style. All of these are more easily accessible for readers–even though Trungpa’s doesn’t go into the Noble Truths and the Eight Fold Path etc…
There is a bit of an interesting comparison and contrast between the two, however. Two of them spend a fair bit talking about tonglen meditation. It’s good, it feels nice, I’ve done it for years. Both also deal with “Bodhicitta” and becoming a “Bodhisattva.” I wanted to do this. It means coming back again and again and again…until everyone reaches enlightnment–and you teach (or guide) them! However, Trungpa and the other author (Lama Surya Das) differ quite greatly on other forms of “meditation” (i.e. outside of tonglen.)
Trungpa says to basically, sit your ass down on that pillow and practise “religiously” or you won’t fucking get anywhere. Das says you can meditate just about anywhere: On the bus, walking along the street etc… etc… Apparently, Trungpa says that’s a load of bull. Interesting, don’t you think?
Actually, I knew a woman who was (well, is…) Buddhist and she practised under the Shambhala tradition (Trungpa was the founder of this.) She told me that there was an awful lot of infighting between the different “sects” or groups of Buddhism! I was surprised for such a “peaceful?” philosophical way of living your life. Well…I guess that goes to show there is conflict everywhere…
Maybe they all need to focus on their Shunyata some more. And a few other things that they teach?
Anyway, I’m not saying that Buddhism is going to solve all of my problems or take away all of my ills. It’s not going to wipe away the fact that my head is messed up–not in the slightest. It’s not going to mean I no longer need to take my meds. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to get all gung ho, run off to some monastery, find some monk to teach or train me and then I’ll be all tickety-boo.
That’s not the way it works. And it’s not a magic wand that I’m looking for (or think that I’ve found) that I’m just going to wave over myself and say, “All better now!”
I already live my life in certain ways–fundamentally by Buddhist philosophy. But in more concrete ways of thinking, I seem to have wandered “off the path.”
Also, this may not be for everyone. I have just had strong leanings toward it for over 10 years now so it “feels” comfortable and right for me. I also believe from a Western perspective that you do not have to immerse yourself fully into the philosophy in order to reap the benefits–and that if you practise any theistic religion, the philosophy of Buddhism in its purest form can still be of use.
Oh yes…I wrote another post about Buddhism last spring when I was also feeling somewhat challenged that was rather “tongue-in-cheek.” I equated freeing yourself from attachments with saying, “Fuck it.” Well, considering Trungpa lived a rather unorthodox life (he’s dead now) and said shit a lot in my book, he might have appreciated my off-kilter sense of humour?
And here’s a much better YouTube than yesterday. I love this song by Peter Murphy and I think it suits. I did meet him once many years ago. Yes, he is that gaunt.
…I might feel more terrible about things than I already do and suffer from a bit of Catholic Guilt. My Scrupulosity meter might be completely in the red zone? A religious form of OCD interestingly enough…
No form of alcoholic OCD either today, kids. I am staying at home and taking care of some menial chores and just relaxing, doing as little as possible and what not. Perhaps putting off some of my more immediate responsibilities will force me to do them in the afternoons during the week and that will keep me occupied? Cycling weather a bit uncertain so that shall be left for another day as well.
So here’s a joke to lighten the mood. No offense to anyone who is Catholic or… well, you’ll see when you get to the punchline.
In a Catholic school as several young girls were preparing to graduate, Mother Superior wished to speak to them to ask them what they wanted to do with their lives. She spoke to one girl who said she wished to become a nurse.
“Oh how lovely,” said Mother Superior. “That is an excellent way to help people.”
She then spoke to a second girl who said she wanted to become a teacher. Again, Mother Superior was thrilled and said that was a wonderful way to shape young minds and set them on the right path of life from the very beginning.
Mother Superior then spoke to a third girl who said she wanted to become a prostitute. Oh dear. Well, Mother Superior swooned and fell to the floor. A couple of other nuns came to her rescue, splashed some Holy Water on her face and eventually she came around.
She asked the girl again, “I’m sorry dear, I’m not quite sure I heard you correctly. What do you wish to do when you get older?” The girl repeated that she wanted to become a prostitute.
“Oh thank heavens!” Mother Superior sighed with relief. “I thought you said you wanted to become a Protestant!”
So I think I’ve figured out the answer. And it isn’t 42. Although it starts with the same letter…but I’ll get to that. And no, I’m not a tease. I just like to add a little bit of anticipation to my posts. It ensures that you read all of the content?
I’ve been getting some good sleep lately. Well, for the last couple of days at least. That has been excellent. I may start missing that when I go back to work but maybe I’ll just have to start going to bed a bit earlier. I have been staying up later.
I’ve also been trying to work some things out in my head. As you all know, I’ve been going through a lot and have been for some time. I’m not sure why but I sometimes like to take on a lot in life. Maybe it’s because I always have, I still think I can…maybe I still can but after the Bipolar hit (and more importantly the first major Depressive crash) did something change? I’m pretty sure it did and for anyone else out there dealing with and coping with any chronic illnesses, be they mental or physical you need to learn to adapt.
Anyway, my brain reached a sort of critical mass in April which necessitated a hospital stay but I fear it has reached another one. Not as severe, mind you–I don’t need to go back and admit myself again but let’s just say that recently things have not been good. You have all seen it via my blog and although I don’t like to bleed all over the screen, I am frank. I don’t exactly sugar coat things and I think that is good. I try and use this blog as an outlet for my feelings I suppose and as some commenters have recently said, it has served a purpose in educating people.
Well, with this mini-critical mass of late, I have come to a conclusion. The answer to “Life, The Universe And Everything” is not 42 but rather, “fuck it.”
Now, don’t misunderstand. I have not become some dejected misanthrope who has lost all hope. My “fuck it” is of a different kind. It’s more of a Zen, Vipassna or Tibetan kind of “fuck it.” Those are basically the three branches of Buddhism if you didn’t already know that. I know, I know…I can hear the Dalai Lama and all of the other reincarnated Lamas out there laughing at me. But really, isn’t Buddhism kind of a grand “fuck it” in a certain form? Alright, perhaps I have bastardized it a bit and really reduced it to the rather profane but think about it for a minute. A lot of Buddhism is about letting go of things. Or at least in part. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care but it means that you need to just free yourself of things defined by its tenets that aren’t healthy.
So that’s my “fuck it.” I haven’t given up. I’ve just realized that my brain has been going off in all sorts of directions that really aren’t working for me.
I actually got quite into Buddhism years ago. I have mentioned this before, I believe but I think at last count according to WP I have 228(?) posts on this blog so forgive me if I tend to repeat myself. It’s impossible to recall everything I’ve written. Anyway, I was almost to the point of finding a master to tutor me. I became a vegetarian and would watch diligently where every footstep tread so I would not step on a living thing beneath me. I preferred Tibetan Buddhism and within that sect specifically Dzogchen. According to Dzogchen, it is possible to achieve enlightenment within one lifetime. Yes, even within Buddhism little PA’s impulsivity was still shining through!
I also wanted to become a Bodhisattva. A Bodhisattva becomes reincarnated over and over and returns to teach the Dharma to everyone else until they too become enlightened. Yes, PA’s selflessness still shone through in her spiritual quest as well.
I gave up on it though. Again, PA still has a problem sticking to certain things *sigh* Over time, I began to find meditation painfully difficult and maintaining “mindfulness” also very challenging. I think both may have been due to the illness factor and I have yet to find an answer to how to get around these issues through Buddhism. What is the solution when your brain becomes somewhat unbalanced? It all seems a bit easier to follow when one is more stable. I still enjoy it though and often return to my books as a reminder–a way to try and find something, some way to try and sort things out when everything seems to go off kilter.
I’m going to tag this under Religion even though Buddhism is a non-theistic philosophy. That’s another reason it appealed to me. No deity involved. And another thing…if you are at all interested, you can practise the basics of it even if you are involved in any sort of religion or even if you don’t believe in reincarnation. The fundamentals are quite simple. This has been sort of termed “Western Buddhism” or more negatively by the purists “Buddhism Lite/Light.” I find the latter quite amusing because again, does it really matter?
Anyway, I’m trying to make sense of my head, my “self” and I probably just shouldn’t. I probably just can’t. I’m slipping back to a “place,” history is repeating (as it so often does in my life,) I am depressed (again,) I am feeling lost and without an “identity” (again) and am just…well, lying in bed trying to get out of it and not moving. I probably need some tea as this post isn’t even going to make any sense but I can’t even get motivated for tea! Now that tells you something.
Alright…I’ve had my tea, I’ve gotten dressed, taken kitty outside and it’s finally getting warmer and the sun is out.
I’ve been doing some reading, both on the internet and in some books. I’m searching desperately for some “answers.”
Identity: I’ve been looking been looking at some Social Psychology and the concept of personality and the self and behaviour and more specifically, ME and why–if I do this–mirror other peoples’ traits, characteristics and emotions. Do I lack a defined sense of self-concept? I have been like this my entire life. But I question it more when my life is thrown into chaos and my moods become dysregulated. But if I take stock, it’s an eternal question. I know I am intelligent, I have well-informed views/opinions about many things but when it comes to interpersonal relationships and dealings with others, it seems that things always break down. I seem to almost assimilate myself with others at times. Lack of self-esteem could have something to do with it? I can’t seem to find any answers.
Mirror Neurons: I decided then to appeal to science. You can read a little bit about Mirror Neurons here. Again, something interesting but yet somewhat hypothetical and still unproven? Maybe I have overactive Mirror Neurons and they seem too do well a job?
BPD: When I first began my “psychiatric career” one psychiatrist brought up the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now being the diligent little researcher I am, I went straight to work and read as much as I could about it. I read personal accounts, all sorts of literature. Both the psychiatrist and I agreed that I did not fit the criteria. But here are a couple of things that well, these days are making me rethink things. You can have a look at this and this.
Now in looking at the DSM-IV criteria in the first link, 1-7 are fitting, or have fit. 8 and 9, not so much. Well, maybe a little bit of paranoia but it has been situationally related and not too severe. But these things have been somewhat transient and what has predominantly been the first order of concern has been my Bipolar symptoms that can also overlap. Granted, comorbidity can exist?
Oh dear…the second link. The “History” section is rather…well, more of it rings true and the “Causes?” Welcome to my family. Interestingly enough, they have also linked it with ADD. Oh, now my brain is starting to hurt. What on earth is wrong with me?!
I have a book on BPD. Perhaps I should go and grab that too and try and read that as well. I don’t know if it will help.
Buddism: So I’ve been trying to also get back to my Buddhism to see if that will help me. Maybe some good old spiritual “Enlightenment” will help me get on track and help me “soothe” myself as apparently those with BPD have a hard time doing this? Am I too attached to things? Do I need to just let go and exist in the moment? Will that bring me some peace? *sigh*
Years ago, I became very interested in Buddhism and it seemed to help. I even became a vegetarian for a while! I would look at my cat and think–oh my precious (and all other living things!) I couldn’t bear it if someone ate you! I would also be so careful when walking, lest I stepped on an ant or any other “living” insect. I would meditate anywhere I could but soon, I stumbled off the path and just quit.
Disclaimer: This post is not meant to incite any hatred, mud-slinging, flaming or general bitchiness (except maybe for me to rant–but only about my own life and not anyone else’s.) There seems to be enough of that going around the flogosphere these days and I won’t add to it. So please try and not take anything I say out of context. Religion is always a touchy subject but I feel like utter hell at the moment so why not toss it out there. Perhaps I would have fit right in there with the self-flagellants if I did believe during that time in history.
I am an atheist. I don’t “preach” about it but if asked I don’t hide this fact. I have been an atheist for…well, quite a long time now. I guess I would have to say for at least 10 years if I had to hazard a guess. Prior to that I would have to say that I was agnostic. My sister is a Jehovah’s Witness, My father converted to Roman Catholicism in order to marry his third wife although be he and my mother were raised (loosely) in the Anglican Church. Oh, and my mother believes she is The Second Coming of Christ. No, I’m not joking. She’s believed this ever since I was a child. Not in literal form but she believes that she is here to re-create a New World Order and she is to lead it. She has been “Sent By God” to do this. It’s really fucking scary. And let’s not forget the little gem drilled in to me since Day One that “I was Chosen By God to live.” That’s just too much weight (and guilt) for a small child to bear.
Aside: if you hadn’t known about that there is some chance that my mother miscarried during her first trimester and lost a twin but I survived.
I have no problem with worship per se. Organized religion kind of gets my goat but I won’t ramble on too much about that as it can get a bit heated and I don’t want to go too off topic and start up. And I’m tired and sick. I do, however, respect everyone’s right to believe what they wish. I have studied many religions of the world going back to my teens. I may need a bit of a refresher on some but at the end of the day, if it makes you a better, stronger person and can help you sleep well at night, what’s the harm? I’ve seen my sister go through some frightful things in life and the members of her faith and Congregation were better to her than I could believe!
I’ve been envious at times of those with strong faiths. But I can’t reconcile my own beliefs with that of organized religion for starters and that of a “Higher Power.” I just haven’t found anything that fits in my brain. Something that I can understand and accept. Something that makes sense.
I know a lot of people that believe in God and have faith say that you just have to “let go” and believe in things and have the faith and that is part of the process but I just can’t. I can’t believe in something that I can’t have some sort of proof of…I can’t just sit around and wait and wonder and merely “accept” something “on a promise.” I do and have done enough of that already. I would simply rather adhere to what I can already intuit and see and derive. It makes me comfortable.
I don’t want to turn this into a huge forum about religion. In fact, I kind of don’t like arguing (errr… debating…) about it anyway and certainly not with zealots. As I stated above, I do not have a problem with anyone practising whatever religion they choose if it makes them a better person. I would respect the same treatment in return. I don’t like people trying to convert me. I’ve had enough of that before, even from within my own family (not immediate but extended–my uncle is a Minister and they even tried to “faith heal” me many years ago…yikes it was a little scary as I was younger and didn’t want them to do it but they kept pressuring me.)
I’m already kind of debating hitting the little orange “Publish” button as it is because I feel so low today. However, as they say, blogging is good for the “soul?“
