Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

We Now Return You to Your Regular Programming of Lower Level of Insanity

Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.

Sorry, What Was That? Huh? Okay, That Last YouTube and the “Woman” Post I Was on the Fence About

Sorry for the title of that last post, everyone. A bit cryptic about the lyrics of the song? It probably doesn’t even make sense.

Isn’t a bitch when life turns around and bites you in the ass? Well, not really turns around and bites your ass but maybe nips at your heels a bit?

So I just put up that song because I’ve been thinking to myself a little of some “reminiscences.” As such, I have come to the Grand Conclusion that:

“Women: can’t live with ‘em; can’t live without ‘em.”

Maybe Bill would agree with his song?

This might sound a bit of an odd statement for PA to make as she is, in fact, a woman but for at least the first portion…well, believe me, there are many a day when I can not live with myself!

So the first portion of this post title? It’s kind of like the majority of all of my relationships with women–sort of a “Who’s on First, What’s on Second…?” deal. Bill’s lyrics? Leave the young thing alone? That could/would/should be me? Except not so “young” anymore? “You, know, you know….leave it alone PA!” You’re fucking older and wiser!

Sure.

Shall I dare continue? This is leading me in the direction of a post that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. I don’t know about any other bloggers out there but when PA gets tired (and she is very tired today) her blogging becomes more open and vulnerable. She may toss up some things that she may not normally write about?

Alright. However, bear in mind that I am tired so this may not be written as well as it could have been at another time.

There are two types of women that PA is attracted to. And also, traits and characteristics are not mutually exclusive here.

The first is the type of woman that seems to possess many accomplishments that PA wishes she had achieved. All of the types of things that PA felt that she might have been able to do with her life? Things that she may have been capable of? Also, this type of woman can usually do things that PA can not do. They usually possess some kind of talent. PA has no special talent or ability in any field. PA does not wish to say that she places this type of woman on a pedestal like an idol but…well, PA can be prone to extremes.

Still, this type of woman almost seems to be so…powerful in the way they “have it all together!” Maybe in the way that they “have it all?” We all know not to judge a book by its cover, the grass is always greener, all of that stuff but these women are just so not like PA. They are usually ultra-professionals, they can juggle a million balls in the air at the same time, they are brilliant and successful. These women are also (generally) not mentally ill.

Then there are the crazies. Now, the nutcases can also be professional, successful, brilliant, talented…all of that. We know that mental illness does not discriminate. However, with the loonies, PA becomes the rescuer. She wants to save them and help them so much!

Now, with the first type of woman, is PA looking to be “rescued?” Bloody hell, get me away from Freud! Or maybe it’s just my childhood (that I had to take care of my mommy so there was no mommy for me?) Dammit! That’s early Freud with repressed thoughts and feelings!!! Nail banged squarely on PAs head re: both types of women???

A scary thought for any women out there wishing to date PA, perhaps.

So, back to the head case women, like PA. There’s an automatic bond there. A mutual understanding right from the get go. That can be very significant. It can also be and/or become really fucked. Because when you get two lunatics together in a relationship, it can turn into a veritable powder keg of emotional psychosis. Trust me. Been there, done that…self harmed over it.

Gabriel… over at …salted lithium wrote a post about Relationships: Crazy+Crazy=Insanity=Relationship Death(?) (my wording.)  This was a while back but I can’t remember the exact post, where and when it was written so here’s a link to the site in general.

It was a discussion of sorts as to whether it was possible that these relationships would work. Could they survive? My comment was that, again, from past experience rather difficult? Maybe they would not survive? However, I would not rule out the chance if I really fell for a woman who was mentally ill.

My post is more personal, however.

Oh, and before I proceed, physical attractiveness is an imperative for both of these types of women. Sorry, that may sound shallow but let’s be truthful here.

So based upon the two types of women that intoxicate (toxicate?) me so much, I often question whether or not I will have a successful relationship or a partner ever again in my life. I feel on the one hand, with the uber-successful, “Wonder Woman” type, I will not measure up. They will be looking for a woman of the same calibre. With another crazy (who may be similarly uber-successful) it may be the same thing.  She may be looking for another “Wonder Woman” but even if she did want to be with me, would it turn into “Mentalness Circus Maximus?” And I’m not simply speaking of the chariot racing done in ancient Rome!

The only relationships that I’ve ever had that have lasted for any recognisable duration have been with the…I don’t know…”in-betweeners?” They haven’t really been mental, they haven’t been uber-successful, they haven’t had any special abilities or talents…I haven’t been physically attracted to them. The only one good thing is that at least they put up with me being a total nutbar and that does take a special person. When someone is prone to Bipolar flip outs and roller coaster rides, ADD spasticness, self harm, self medication…gee, what the hell else am I capable of? I guess my seizures and migraines aren’t such a big deal. They are pretty much under control anyway and don’t make me go off the deep end. Okay, lately there’s been a bit of bizarre increase in moodiness with my migraines but that is neither here, nor there. I am not involved with anyone at the moment, right?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. No, really. I have. It’s been an ongoing pattern in my life–such strong attractions to women that are either terribly unattainable or terribly not good for me and cause me so much strife and pain. The former women leave me heartbroken and the latter women just end up being very unhealthy for me.  Well, in the end they both cause me pain? But still…both are so potent and I can’t help it. I can’t just say, “No! Don’t be attracted!”

I understand we can’t help being attracted to whomever that may just saunter past. Those that may cross our paths, enter our lives but shit, you know? Again, you would think I would have learned something from all of this! Some way to hold back? Some way to put on the brakes and indeed, say, “No!”

The only thing I can say, ‘no’ to is the fact that I can’t say, “No!”

Connecting…And Connecting Some Dots From My Past For You

So yes, trying to get around to contacting people. Mac Guru was good enough to email filmmaker. She called. He then emailed her after I went over the edge in my cycling frenzy. I didn’t hear from her then. She probably had nothing to say–or rather, maybe wasn’t quite sure what to say. I did my first overdose after driving home from her place in 1999. We had been fighting for a while and agreed to meet that night and managed to patch things up. Oh wow, what a volatile relationship we had over the years. Well, those years. Back then. She’s still crazy though and well, I am but at least I differ in that I have actually been diagnosed.

She did come to visit me though after the OD. With “ersatz friend” as I have now come to call him. We all knew each other. Part of the same little circle due to her film. There is another man I still know but because filmmaker is/was/can be brutal (and so much more back then making the film) she pissed him off so much that he simply can not stand her anymore.

Such a shame.

So I called “ersatz friend” too. He is the one where I so often keep in contact with, arrange to get together for dinner etc… but leave it up to him as his work requires him to travel so his schedule pretty much trumps mine. I wait for him to get back to me. He never does. And I was so out of it. I was trying to remember his email address. I completely forgot that I have his numbers on my mobile. Ugh. My brain is still not quite up to par?

The conversation was…well, I don’t know if it was odd or not. He seemed a bit distant? Sort of, ‘well, gee…that’s too bad…’ He didn’t really sound all that sympathetic. I often wonder if I put him through hell so many years ago. He was my “crisis man.” Whenever I OD’d, cut…I always called him. That is not a nice thing to do and those are not pleasant calls to receive. However, I was out of my mind and extremely ill. Not an excuse, mind you. Simply the reason. And then there was filmmaker. Compared to me? Oh, my lord. She really put him through the wringer. Talk about being demanding! He also fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her too. Ersatz friend? I think he may have fallen in love with me too. Yes…deep within my so muddled, murky memory I seem to remember him telling me so. Fuck me, Mac Guru even fell in love with me! Now that I do remember! It got a little messy but we worked it out. It can be very hard when you fall in love with people that can not return that love–that type of love. They can only be your friends and love you in that manner.

Wow! Can you believe all of that up there??? It’s a wonder any of our hearts managed to stay intact! Except filmmaker. She didn’t seem to give a shit about any one of us all falling all over each other–especially her. I don’t say that to be mean or spiteful, really. I would never say such things about someone! You just would have to know her to understand and I guess be there during those days.

And between all of the partying, drinking, drugs (not so much PA as she’s never been into drugs but she was flying “high” (no pun intended) in Bipolar madness so if someone was smoking up…whatever.) Plus there was a hell of a lot of mental illness going around too–more than just PA:

PA: Yet to be dx’d Bipolar and ADD and had been living in a continual state of (hypo)manic existence for at least seven years or more–not on any meds at this time.

Ersatz Friend: Dx’d Depression and ADD (on meds at this time.)

Mac Guru: Previous dx of Depression, had been on meds before (later on in life also, on and off meds for Depression but that was, again, later…) Also undx’d severe Social Anxiety Disorder at the time.

Filmmaker: Now, I think possible dx of Depression when younger or undx’d–or she just said she was depressed. Yes, I believe the latter. Still, to this day I am trying to figure out just what the hell her dx or dx’s is/are/could/would be! My money is on/within the Personality Disorder department. Yes, most bloody definitely!

So what do you think? Makes for an interesting mix? Quite the “Soap Opera” or “Droop Drama” as my Nana used to call those genre of shows?

Ahhh, ersatz friend. We were so close. What happened? I remember one time he was ill. It was something to do with his throat. Did he have to have some sort of surgery or was he just very sick? Either way, he couldn’t speak. Or wasn’t supposed to. When I arrived at his house, I only said hello and asked how he was. Then, I grabbed a notepad I brought with me and started writing. I wrote: ‘If you can’t speak, then neither can I. This is how we are going to communicate.’ A huge grin spread across his face and he started to laugh–almost audibly–so I put my index finger to my closed lips in a ’shhh’ sort of action.

Ersatz friend was the first person to pick up on my Major Depressive crash. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had been (hypo)manic for so many years. That was my normal state of existence (as an adult–depressed as hell as a kid–but you forget these things when you go so far into outer space as I did.) He told me to get straight to a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to go but everything was going down the toilet, my job performance was suffering…I knew I had to. And even still, everything went downhill from there for years anyway but at least it got me on the road to getting help–even if took so many years and it is still ongoing.

Several years later after ersatz friend and I continued to support each other with our shared insanity, he quit his meds entirely in favour of natural solutions. That was fine. He had been on the med treadmill for so very long and just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing seemed to work for him. However, a couple of years ago or so, he told me that I should just go off all of my meds too! Just be done with them! I said to him that I couldn’t. Not with all of my comorbidities. Perhaps it had worked for him but at the very least, my neurologist would probably have a seizure himself if I went off my meds for having those!

Did that drive us apart? Our different stances on medication? Well, really now. Ersatz friend. Are you that closed minded? So we made yet another prospective “dinner date” based upon his schedule. We shall see.

Continuing on with more mentalness, I also called my mother. She is not really a dot to be connected. She is her own little single dot in her own little universe. Well, I had to call her eventually. She is being supportive in her own way, as much as she can I guess. Rather like when I came out of hospital last year. The calls were fairly frequent at first but then she drifted off like the little dot that she is, back into her own little universe. *shrug*

Topamax Brain Blast

So, it’s nice to see you all down there. I always wondered what earth looked like from way up where in I am space right now. It is actually quite realistic from the pictures they show you from the shuttles and all of that. And I’ve finally gotten to experience anti-gravity! I have wanted to do that ever since I was a child! It’s like a dream come true!

*PA laughs*

No, no…I’m just on my bed, typing away on MacBook as you all are thinking. However, I really do feel like I am in outer space or at least in some other…land?

I wanted to post about something else today but shall do that tomorrow–obviously this takes priority as it’s just so…whoa. I mean, Merlin #1 and I? I think we made an interesting decision here!

I took the first 100mg increase of my Topamax/Topiramate last night as I said I would since all of my appointments were done as of yesterday. If memory serves, because my cognitive abilities are extremely screwed right now (will get to that in more detail re: ACs and Topamax) I waited a little bit before taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine before bedtime. Wow, am I glad I made the decision to wait until the weekend!

I didn’t go to bed extremely late last night (did I…?…oh, fucking memory…did I come home and watch a bit of television?) I know I sent off a quick email and that was around 2230hrs. That means I must have gotten home around 2200hrs or so–maybe earlier? The late arrival home was because I called Grocery Man as I thought he would be getting off from work at around the time I would be arriving back in the neighbourhood. I thought it might be nice for a visit. It turned out he was sick with a bit of a cold and had taken the day off but no problem. So we had a visit, listened to some music and had some soup and toast for dinner. It was a rough week so I did get a wee bit tippled on some whisky.

I know. Right on the heels of talking with Prester John (now known as Greybeard) about drinking on Valium. Not to worry, kids. Again, just a bit of relief and relaxation because of all of the stress. However, I will note that initially it did seem to make PA a pretty cheap date. Then it just seemed to move off to…well, who knows? Regular PA drinking? Or maybe there was still some Valium/alcohol combined effect going on? I had taken the 5mg dose early in the morning. *PA shrugs*

So back to the good ol’ Topamax. Indeed, had I taken it the night before last, I don’t even know if I would have been able to make it to my appointment! I have been outside for a tea (not that it’s making a sachet of a difference) and a cigarette and I’ve just been walking around in circles. No, I was almost literally walking around in circles outside! Escher called and knows I’m on another crazy med overhaul and asked if I needed anything as I am obviously incapable of leaving the house right now. I told him that I am fine but might need some milk tomorrow as I am getting low on that. He said to call if so.

You know, speaking of cognitive impairment (I know…I said I’d get there re: the meds…) he’s right fucked. He said he was going back to work and now he’s not and I don’t know! I think he may have forgotten that I loaned him money. It was only sixty bucks/dollars/quid/euros/pounds…whatever you wish. I really don’t care if he pays me back. The funds are now gone from “PA International Mortgage And Loan.” The institution is filing for bankruptcy. Unfortunately, it may turn the world economy into yet another tailspin but that is just how Big Business goes sometimes.

Alright…Topamax and cognitive impairment. I apologize for it taking so long for me to get here but you obviously can understand why?

Now, all meds can come with some generalized side effects based upon their classes which pretty much makes sense–even if we still don’t know exactly how they work on our brains. With ACs, one of the biggies is cognitive impairment (followed by clumsiness!) Why the clumsiness, I’m not sure but the cognitive impairment? Maybe to do with GABA and Glutamic Acid and when it gets turned into Glutamate–a precursor to GABA. GABA is linked to memory? GABA is linked to seizures and the meds are of course Anticonvulsants–originally prescribed for seizures and Epilepsy.

But again, the clumsiness? Maybe if you get so stoopid you bump into things all the time? What bloody neurotransmitter is responsible for being swift and agile?!

Still, they are a very poorly misunderstood class of med and I believe this (at least for one reason) because they are so “multi-purpose.” They are used to treat seizures, Bipolar and migraines! I have always been so interested in possible links between the three–especially since I have them all! Others out there share the comorbidities as well. Maybe not all three but two of them.

I really think that Topamax is the worst in this area–the clumsiness/stoopid business. Some people may disagree. It was probably tied for the hardest hitting side effect for me along with loss of appetite/weight. Then there was the taste perversion (some things just tasted like crap!) and the paraesthesia (I got tingly in my extremeties.) The latter two went away and I did end up gaining a bit more weight and some of my appetite did come back. Also, a little less cognitive impairment but it’s still there (forgetting words: their names, meanings, spellings; I can get lost and turned around so easily, problems with memory…things like that?) Also, I’m on Lamictal/Lamotrigine so what does that have to offer me? I think I am a bit more clumsy now. Maybe a bit more cognitively impaired too? *PA rolls eyes*

Alright, I guess this is long enough. I did manage to write it too instead of just saying, “Hi, the Topamax has done me in. Laters.” And I don’t think there is any need for my Valium today? *laughing* Oh…PA turns into a little puddle on the floor. Unless for some reason I get really anxious about something…

20, 20, 24 Seconds To Go…I Wanna Be Sedated…

Okay, it’s not going to happen that quickly but I just got home from my GP appointment, stopped at the pharmacy and popped my first Valium/Diazepam about a half hour ago (at time of beginning this post.) Alright, let’s take it for a test drive. Let’s see what it’s going to do! Let’s see if my post goes completely downhill (i.e. the stuff works well!)

I am also completely knackered. I didn’t start with the 100mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine last night. Dork PA. I should have. I awoke in the middle of my restless night at some point and ran to take another 50mg. So, what, big deal. Not enough time. I also had to wake up early to go on a two hour long trek to see my GP. Yes, a bit far away from where I live.

My lovely GP. She took one look at me and quite obviously saw I was in rough shape. I as I walked into one of the examining rooms, I felt her hand lightly on my back as she led me in. Again, bless. She said that she had a medical student with her and was it alright for her to come in. I could tell she was a student as I had seen them talking before I went in and I had never seen her in the office before.

I said, “Sure, she can spend some time in hell!”

My GP said, “Oh, no..” in a sort of a…it’s not that bad, manner.

I turned to the medical student, a very nice looking young girl and as I plopped into the chair, I eyed her and then said: “I have a very interesting brain…” *PA rolls eyes* Well, come on guys! You know it’s true!

My GP knew nothing of “the hell” as lovely nurse had not relayed the information–just booked the appt. So off I go. Also, it wasn’t a 30 min. counselling type, just a “regular” medical type. PA needed to try to convey everything fast! And that she did. Yes, yes…off I go in my typical med geek fashion… At one point, I needed to stop so my GP could take a break and update my file. She turned to the med student and smiled.

She said, “PA isn’t your typical patient…” I almost started laughing but I felt so shitty I just couldn’t. I simply retorted: “Ah, yes…you should have become a doctor, PA…you should have become a doctor.”

Crap, I need a tea. I haven’t had any today and something tells me that this is going to take long enough to write and edit anyway? I’m not sure but the Valium might be allowing my white and grey matter a luxurious swim in the GABA pool right now. Ahhh… And it’s been 45 min. now since dosing.

Be back soon…

Alright, so on we go with discussing everything and then she gets around to the issue of cutting and suicidality. I told her that of course, of course. But only when I’ve been cycling. Time to ‘fess up, though. I thought I had the “tools” to remove my sutures but I don’t. I needed her to remove them. I told her about it and the issue of my migraines starting to do me in as far as the mood department as well. Also, that neuro thought my migraines had caused the Complex Partial Seizure that I had in early December. She asked what neuro had to say about it. I told her that I hadn’t relayed the information as I had just sort of pieced it together recently. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing him until August as both the MRI and EEG were clean.

The med student removed the sutures. Poor girl. I don’t know if she was really nervous or…well, I don’t think I intimidated her! She removed the sutures alright but the cut is still open just a touch. So put on some Steri-strips. She wasn’t getting it quite right and I was tempted to advise her but I didn’t want to embarrass her!

I guess that’s about it? I’m not quite sure what to say about the Valium. I mean, it sure beats (or seems to be beating?) the Serax/Oxazepam that I took years ago. I read on the little patient monograph from the pharmacy that smoking can reduce its levels. I actually didn’t know that. *laughing* Again, like PA knows everything, right? Still, it’s not like she’s a crazy, “pack-a-day’er.” Oh, no. Not to mention, we’re starting off q.d. (once daily) and then moving up to b.i.d. (twice daily) if required. But it’s also kind of on a p.r.n. (as needed) directive as well. I mean, if I suddenly wake up feeling all grand and don’t need them, great! I think that is doubtful at this point. What do you guys think? Not to be all “negative sounding” or a “real downer” about my mental (un)health but you can’t just “pep talk” your way out of Bipolar madness.

I’m seeing Merlin #1 again in about two weeks. My GP wants me to call her immediately afterward to see how things are going. Even if it’s just for a telephone chat (again…wow…she does not do this…well, maybe with other patients but realistically, other GPs do not!) You need to make an appt.! At that point, we will also readdress the whole benzo situation as I think she is hesitant about keeping me on them. I don’t think Merlin #1 gives a toss. Regardless, if my anxiety is still high, it will still need to be controlled, correct?

Right now, it is a complete baseline while I am conscious…well, probably while unconscious, too. It’s this undercurrent that WILL NOT go away. It might if I end up going all (hypo)manic but I crash and it just ends up coming back.

I’m still on the fence about starting the Topamax/Topiramate increase. I still have some things to do tomorrow (boy has this been an exhausting week) so I might wait until Friday night when–if necessary–I can let my brain go completely haywire with no responsibilities or things that need to be taken care of.

Okay…going to go have another cuppa? And see how this Valium ride works out? It is kind of making me laugh a bit…hmmm…just maybe a little “happy pill?” I guess they didn’t call it “Mother’s Little Helper” for no reason, right?

Who Has The Magic Wand? PA Or Merlin #1?

Bless. Bless, bless. I have the most amazing medical team in the world. Well, sans neuro but you can’t have it all, right? I was thinking of them all, my appt. with Merlin #1 on the way home and almost crying–but what doesn’t make me want to cry these days?

So did PA wave some magic wand she has over Merlin #1? She got everything she wanted. She stated her case, all of her med suggestions and they were discussed and agreed upon. I can not believe how lucky I am to have a team that respects me and cares for me so much. And I have a YouTube that I am dedicating to them at the end of this post that is also making me cry.

So, up the Seroquel/Quetiapine from 50mg to 100mg to get me to sleep? We all know how important sleep is for Bipoles who are cycling like crazy (no pun intended.)

The benzo conversation was interesting. I mentioned before that my ancient Serax/Oxazepam…well, I haven’t taken it in years and I actually had a brief memory flash: there were times when it didn’t work so well when my anxiety levels were really high. Maybe not a good choice right now. Also off the list: Klonopin/Clonazepam due to the side effect of Depression with extended use and Ativan/Lorazepam as it doesn’t work. Okay. Do we go with Valium/Diazepam or Xanax/Alprazolam? We decided to go the Valium route.

I also got my Topamax/Topiramate increase. Up from 200mg to 300mg. It’s hard to say which is the most important: managing the anxiety, sleep or trying to somehow get the Bipolar managed with the AC increase as they are all tied together. But playing with the AC is the one that’s a little more complicated. I again reiterated that that Lamictal/Lamotrigine was just too slow of a titration and it’s too “prissy” of an AC. It was added as an adjunct for me anyway. My Topamax and I have had a beautiful relationship for years and I can handle a faster titration.

Erm…titration? No titration. Spare no expense…we’re going straight up to that 100mg.

Now everyone! *PA claps hands* May I have your attention please!

I would never tell you how to manage your treatment with your physician/s but this isn’t really… *sigh* …”irresponsible?” It’s not…”unsafe.” Necessarily? It’s perhaps…”unorthodox?!” “A bit risky?!”

Slower titrations are always best. Especially if you have NEVER been on the med before. Especially if…wow, so many reasons why you really should not make a huge jump like this. I thought about not doing it but I know the med, I know what could happen? I am under a medical care. It’s not like I’m just doing this myself. We both agreed since I was deteriorating so quickly, unravelling to such a degree…go for it. I need help now.

This could be interesting? Also, I said to him I think I shall do it in a divided dose! Oh, yes we surely agreed on that one. Let’s not blast my brain with it all in one shot!

With any increase in an AC I could have some silly seizure activity reoccur. However, I’m already cranked on seizure prophylaxis whereas I wasn’t before and I don’t give a shit. I need to get stable. The loss of appetite and…loss of weight! I’m already fucking tiny enough! My appetite is still fine and my stim didn’t cause me problems there so we’ll see. Nonetheless…just like now anyway: Eat PA! Eat!

So, holy fucking Med Head PA! The Seroquel is no big deal as I just need a sledgehammer to knock me out as I am not getting enough sleep. The benzo? Let’s see if Valium can work well enough for me. The fucking “jump right up” Topamax? Again, that might be kind of interesting. I might be pretty much in La-La-Land until my brain gets used to that. God, taking benzos too during the day?

Well…thank goodness my doctors have faith in me and I have faith in them. I’ll be picking up all the scripts tomorrow but I think I might wait until the weekend to give them all a go. Except maybe the Seroquel as I have enough on hand at home to increase.

You know, I hope this will help. I really bloody well need it…help! I even feel maybe just a tiny bit better…just knowing that we’re going to try? That someone is willing to listen?

Okay, here’s the Tube dedicated to my medical team…they and it…oh, tears…

PA International Mortgage And Loan, Etc…

Anyone else out there need some money? Besides me, that is? Guess who called to hit me up for some cash? If you don’t know from previous posts, Escher. I’ve always helped him in the past and it’s not like it’s been for thousands of dollars. No, just small amounts and he always pays me back but ‘geez.

I can always tells when he calls. It’s usually first on my mobile and then a few minutes later on my landline. He woke me up, too–granted I was sleeping a bit late. He called last night and asked and I guess I was more in a…”frustrated” mood? My moods are still all over. I told him that I just couldn’t do it.

He’s been going through his own problems with work as he’s told me several different things between: head injuries, early onset Alzheimer’s…then no, it wasn’t the latter. I’ve even wondered if it was alcohol induced Dementia as he drinks like crazy. His memory is shot too.

He was having problems getting some form of work disability payments hence my previous loans but prior to that I was still lending. He lives with another mental case that he supposedly assists so I guess I was assisting him as well? Hey, you know PA–she never likes to see anyone in trouble and will do anything to help.

I managed to “negotiate” the amount down a bit. I don’t have that much cash on hand and I need it for essentials. I don’t feel like running out to the bank in the piss pouring rain right now. I’d rather combine all of my errands when I have to go out as I am still feeling like crud and I don’t want to leave my flat. Again, it’s not thousands of dollars and he is concerned about my welfare but he needs the money. He said he’d get it back to me by the end of next week as he’s going back to work and is short until he gets paid. Going back to work?! He still seems too messed up to me and he drives heavy machinery. Oh. boy…

Speaking of leaving my flat, I have tickets to the Symphony tonight that ex-partner bought me as a series for my birthday two years ago. A shame, again, that I don’t feel like going out. She can’t make it as she may still be away on business but I could go with someone else? At least I am listening to some classical music right now. Yes, trying to listen to music again. However, the commercials are bothering me. I don’t want to hear voices. Oh dear…that sounds like I am hallucinating. I’m sorry. I am not poking fun at those who do, for I know that is not fun.

Ah, ex-partner…if we were still together. She would basically be my “nurse” right now. She always had been whenever I would crash mentally or physically. She would have been able to support me financially as well. We talked about me going back to school to become a “nurse” and it would have been fine. She paid for everything on her own before she met me so our dual income was simply a bonus for both of us. The only additional cost for her would have been a bit more food? And what the hell does PA eat, anyway? Even when feeling well, she hardly hoovers it in.

Speaking of food? Tummy? A bit better today? Ah, whatever. The rest of my body? I am fucking freezing. When your body goes into shock you can become very cold. Considering my mind is still in total shock, has my body followed suit?

Last night, I threw two blankets over my duvet and I was alright. Oh…my bed. It’s still unmade but I am getting closer? I removed the duvet from the bed and tossed the linens on the bed. Maybe I’ll actually put them on the bed and pillows. Then, step number two will be going and getting the duvet cover out of the dryer. Step number three? Putting the duvet into the cover. After that, all done.

Oh, and this is weird too. I noticed some twitches in my legs. Not as “full on” myoclonus that I have felt before but wtf? Stress can lower your seizure threshold and cause seizures. Bloody hell! *laughing* Hey! I’m actually laughing! I think this is the first time I have laughed since…? Leave it to my stupid body and brain to do that! I’m not going to worry. I can’t and I really don’t think I’m going to start having any seizures. And well, if I do…at this point…bring it on!

I am trying to do some kind of “mind trick” on myself today. I am trying to pretend that this is just a regular weekend, just like any other. I am trying to go about my business, pretending, pretending, pretending… It worked for about a half hour after I got up this morning. *sigh*

What the hell am I doing? Other than making a blog post?

My mind is so all over the map…I mean, really… I’ve said this before when I’ve started to go (and been) bonkers but I think I’m starting to get on my own nerves. At least I managed to watch a little bit of television last night. You would think that wouldn’t be such challenge but for me when the ADD is at its worst, I could just toss the damn thing out the window. The movie was pretty easy though. “Star Wars” so it was like being a little kid all over again. But yes, the ADD is pretty bad right now as even with my blog posts, I get an idea and then I can’t remember it. So, everything is pretty babbly right now.

I still haven’t gotten baby MacBook out of the box. I should do that? I was maybe even thinking of trying to do some writing but crap, if I can barely put some kind of coherent blog post together what on earth? Anything I would compose would probably sound like a lesser version of a Dick and Jane storybook.

“This is PA.”

“See PA doing nothing.”

“The End.”

OMG, I Am Sooo Out Of It…It’s Happened Again!

I am somewhere between Jupiter and Saturn right now.  I mentioned in my last comment that I probably sounded so cranky yesterday as it was a migraine prodrome? Yeppers, Little Peppers! PA got another one!

The temperature got ratcheted up to near spring yesterday and now it’s back to frigid winter.  You know, being this stoned might be kind of fun if I didn’t feel like I was going to barf all over my keyboard and my head wasn’t hurting.  I’m not used to feeling this way with my migraines but that’s probably because in the past, with most of them, I’ve been lucky enough to just knock myself out and go to sleep.

Just for fun, I did a drug interaction check as I started taking Domperidone/Motilium for the nausea during the day so the Gravol/Dimenhydrinate wouldn’t make me completely pass out.  Would it make me feel this out of it with anything else I’m taking? Nothing came up.  That may not be surprising as it’s a tummy med but you never know.

This is getting beyond ridiculous.  I’m wondering if neuro can do anything.  Would increasing the dosages of any of my Anticonvulsants help for better prophylaxis? And his “theory” about the migraines causing the Complex Partial Seizure I had in early December.  Hmmm.  I’m still undecided about that one.  When I looked into it, what I found was that the type of headache was kind of rare and a bit strange, perhaps.  Also, it occurred more as an aura?  Still, neuro said that migraines can screw around with your cortex so…?

Well, let’s hope I don’t start to get all seizy.  I don’t think so.  I think it was an isolated incident.

Okay, I’d better get back to blankly staring at my computer screen and paper on my desk–in a vain attempt to get some work done.

Groin Pulls, Seizures And Exhaustion

Why do I feel like I have a groin pull?

No, PA hasn’t been getting any “action” lately. Unless you count…ah, never mind…

Maybe I’m just really exhausted? Oh, let’s hope I haven’t moved on from the Complex Partial Seizure I had in December to Tonic-Clonics in my sleep! No. I can’t be having crazy-ass (groin?) seizures in my sleep!

I’m just kidding. I’m quite sure I am not seizing in my sleep. Reason being…despite my current state of exhaustion (that does tie into this) I did have a flash of med/seizure insight today…that might relate to my past regarding the psych med bane of my existence EFFEXOR!!!

I apologize for that but Effexor and I DO NOT get along. We never did even though we had a very long and intimate relationship. It just took a while to figure out how difficult and disastrous it was! Sound familiar to a lot of you–even outside the realm of medication?

I updated my Medication List Page today but the actual update is neither here nor there because it was just about Domperidone/Motilium that is really a tummy med. However, I will take for any migraines during the day at work. It can be used for nausea without any drowsiness side effects so I won’t end up passing out at my desk.

So back to the lovely Effexor. This was, hands down, no question, without a doubt the worst medication for me. I probably blogged about it before but because I’m exhausted and my groin pull is bothering me I can’t be bothered to search my archives.

Here’s what it did–and if you don’t already know, I am someone with Bipolar that can not take ADs. Effexor is an AD. So, obviously it made me cycle like hell. In terms of that, the mentalness, I started cutting and made my second suicide attempt. As far as the other stuff…?

Physically, excessive yawning, myoclonus (twitchy, jerky muscle spasms) mostly in my legs (this was also an indication of a lowering of my seizure threshold.) So yes! Effexor is known to do this but at the time, my seizures weren’t dx’d. But they were happening. They’ve happened all my life. But Effexor made them “prettier?”

When I would drink? Oh…myasthenia (muscle weakness) to the extreme so I would be falling down all over. I mean, I almost got a concussion? Sleeping was the absolute worst. Night sweats, horrific nightmares, sleep paralysis, bed wetting (this was pretty much indicative of nocturnal seizures even though unconfirmed as I wasn’t seeing a neuro at the time…still, PA has never wet the bed from drinking!) And the wackiest of all: nocturnal orgasm.

Yes, feel free to chuckle away. Everyone else always did and said, “Hey! Give me some of that drug!” I would always say to them that it really wasn’t that sexy with all of the above shit happening, especially with the nightmares when you’re dreaming of train crashes and bloodied, dead bodies all around you! Yes, charming to get off on those images, don’t you think?

It was also very strange as I could make all of the night time sleep stuff happen if I missed a dose. Now how messed up is that? Forget to take your med for a night (or even two–then I’d really be in trouble?) and that is what happens!

So getting back to the bed wetting, seizures, exhaustion… After all of this stuff would happen and I would wake up, I would be so unbelievably out of it. I would feel like I was hungover but not like being hungover from drinking. No! It was like my entire body had been run over by a truck, my brain was in a complete fog. At times, I could barely speak…well, I could but I really wasn’t that coherent or I had to struggle very hard to be.

And that is when I had my flash of insight today. I never even realized because it was so long ago! If I was having nocturnal seizures, when I woke up, I was probably post-ictal! When some people seize and are post-ictal they can be so fucked up in so many ways. And I wasn’t on any ACs to control the seizures. Effexor lowers the threshold. Incidentally, so does Wellbutrin and I was on both for a period over time too…

Wow. It may be no wonder why I woke up feeling like such a bag of trash those mornings.