Archive for the ‘Spock’ Category
I made some Tweets tonight but I don’t know who saw them, who cares, but I’ll bring anyone who’s interested up to date.
Crisis. But hanging on with dental floss right now?
The day before today, neuro lowered my Clobazam despite my seizures getting worse (not to mention the accompanying psych and emotional disasters that come along with.) I figured out why after a bit. He thinks that prescribing such a high dose was lowering my seizure threshold and then WHAM! Look how high they flew up! Bastard.
But today was so painfully and unbelievably shocking. I’ve lost my therapist that I have been seeing for a year now. Stoopid Guvmunt crap and changes in the clinic. She was even shocked herself.
Spock held it together through the appointment but wee PA crumbled to the floor bawling uncontrollably trying to get to her GP. Right on the floor outside her therapist’s office. Hello, everyone else in the building. Here’s a bit of an Asperger’s Display. FUCK YOU!
I’m a total wreck. I’ve been ruminating about going to hospital and yet, on the other hand, can I be strong to handle this? How strong do I have to be? I don’t know. All I do know is I’m so afraid, I took one more Valium than prescribed a little while ago, my therapist does have her own practice but I’d have to pay.
Then I talked to a guy I know about saving money for drinking. Not going out. He bought me tonight some Vodka, Whisky and beer that I can drink at home. Right now, Vodka. Neat (that means no ice–an abomination!)
I’m pretty freaked out to talk to anyone. I think I have someone to take care of my place if I admit myself. Not the alcohol guy! Can’t trust him.
My mother’s off the radar. I’m too scared to call after almost two months as I suspect her husband has gotten worse with his cancer. She laments not being “able to take care of both of us.” I have no clue. And I don’t want to hear bad news. Family trauma, PTSD and all of that! My mom is still mentally ill so who knows what demons might come out!
So, yeah. My “coping mechanisms” ain’t so hot right now. I’d like to say, “Let’s see what tomorrow brings.” But I know that’s a ridiculous statement.
Back to listening to Dead Can Dance.
The last post I wrote was totally stupid! And so am I for publishing it! I deleted it.
Stupid, both in the way I wrote it, and repeating again: I might not be here for a while, or who knows?
Not to mention, WTF about the South London folks? Not a slight, my dear UK readers. NEVER! I love you all. I love everyone who comes here!
Just more proof that my brain isn’t working (so well?)
If I’m not here, then I’m not here.
It’s as simple as that.
Oh, all of you
insane wonderful INSANE people that have started following my blog, giving me a “Like” on my posts etc. I’m just trying to get around to checking you out now, but I’m facing an avalanche!
I’m Bookmarking your Blogs when I see what wonderful things you toss off (sorry, had to write that for my new UK readers!)
I’m also trying to find out if you’re on Twitter so I can follow you. I’ve got a lot of work to do. A lot. Perhaps a decade or so to do it all? Maybe a bit less.
Still, thanks to all of you. It means so much that there are so many of you out there who want to read my…
Things that I type that are worth much more less than piss and puke.
Okay all you PC users, trample all over me. But I just shot my wee remote from old baby MacBook from the across the room and…well, I don’t think I need to tell you. Even I was surprised at that range!
Not to mention, baby is hanging on…hanging on. A lot of issues. Battery trashed, yet still fine? Power cord definitely helps for better connection for all things and stabilizing it.
Another problem. My hard drive. It’s about to explode. I’m trying not to do too much as my external back up drive is bitching at me! I have some ideas for all of this, but I’ll let you know if and when I can pull off some “Mac Magic.”
But I bought something today. Well, more than some/thing/s. I can’t say too much as a reader my take a peek and…well…pressies!
Said reader and I are both in a lot of pain. We’re both so upset. Even though we talked on the phone (that may have made it worse.)
C. Ex-friend J.’s sister. She came here to deal with the…how long and an endless ordeal of being the Executrix of their Father’s will has this gone on? Even more ugly as she lives in Paris.
Everything was too overwhelming and took so much time. We kept pushing getting together until the next day and the next. Then it was today. That was a total bust. Still so much to do. She and her husband are flying home tomorrow.
We really are both heartbroken. She sent me an email after we did talk and said that it was still, pain, pain, pain!
Spock took over and responded that this is what we have to do now. Get me to Paris, we must be committed to it. We can’t keep saying, “Oh, sometime. Yes, we’ll do it. We’ll see.” You get the idea.
Then I responded back. I told her I was a mess on the phone. I didn’t know if she noticed, but Aspie issues? Severe? My voice was completely flat. I could barely answer her questions. In fact, I didn’t even want to. But I kept the conversation going. Lots of long pauses too, as I didn’t know what to say.
I wasn’t sure, I told her later. An Aspie just hanging on? I’d never been in a situation like that before, but all I really wanted to do was go freak out, have some kind tantrum, crawl into a ball, and just cry for as long it would take until I was done.
Sounds a bit Aspie? Getting pretty damn close to a meltdown? But there’s been a shitload of other PTSD, psych shit too. Still, an Aspie meltdown is an Aspie meltdown.
So, if you read this C., as I joked, “We’ll always have Paris.”
Today may have been was the day I realized the most potentially scariest point of my life. I also realized that no matter what the outcome, I had to make every day count from today forward.
If I could.
It was the most beautiful day. So warm but not hot. No wind to disrupt the perfect moments to bask in those brief moments–the transition from spring to summer.
I pondered this idea, slowly rotating my mala bracelet (basically a Buddhist Rosary.) I pondered what frightened me and why.
I’m still struggling but I have the greatest Blessing now. I am no longer grieving a person I thought I had lost completely.
Some more encouragement. A lot more. To make every day matter. If I can.
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Spock and Aspie Penguin are right. I DID make a decision to take a break. And yes, a SERIOUS one. For the FIRST TIME EVER.
Although, I’m still around. Just in bits. I was cleaning up my Blogroll somewhat, as I knew people had shut their blogs down. Then, I found a couple of posts I thought were really important, so I left comments. I know.
Then, I was getting Twitter Follows. I didn’t want my Inbox to explode! So, I had to check them out. I know.
Then, a couple of my regular reads? I know! But the point is…well, I’m still taking my break from blogging. No, I REALLY AM!!!
But I just read this. Like, right now. I think it’s hilarious. You can decide for yourselves.
I don’t exactly live in a “posh” neighbourhood, but it is really great. Everyone’s friendly (I live in a big city, but I still say we Canadians are known for being so wonderful, because we’re so polite, and this and that…we’re just so lovely!) I still think people from other countries put Canadian Flags on their rucksacks when they travel?
Anyway, where I live, there is very much a “community” feel. As well as…HAPPY?!?!
I was just reading our “Community” newspaper and apparently a local church lost a Supreme Court Ruling. Gee. What on “earth” would have to happen for a church to bring it to the Supreme Court? Apparently the Court rejected the fact that smokin’ big fatties, not bogartin’ the dubage, and all else, didn’t bring the congregation closer to their maker.
What on “earth,” indeed. Maybe a bit farther from it? They are a branch of “The Church of the Universe.” Cool.
In the last paragraph, it said that two dudes from their Holy (Rollin’) Temple were going to open a cafe shortly. Maybe I’ll soon find myself in a Canadian version of Amsterdam. Double Cool.
Hey, we already have gay marriage. I say, let’s keep moving. Full steam ahead!
Alright, back to my break. Perhaps at some point, I’ll head out and look for that cafe. *nods*
My wee PA is having some difficulty at the moment. She is struggling with a lot of things that you may be aware of, if you have been reading her blog.
One of her struggles has been surrounding blogging. She has had her fair share of “blogging crises.” Some suggested solutions to that are, take seriously long breaks, mix up your posts a bit, and do not post every single day.
It is true that she has tried to write a few light-hearted posts, recently. However, her own lack of judgement is now making her increasingly concerned with her own lack of judgement. Most specifically, she is wondering how she appears to people when she writes. She did write a caveat about it before. However, to add such a caveat to every single post would be tedious for all.
Her immediate concern regarding all of these posts, is that they may seem to go back and forth, and be repetitive in nature. Perhaps she may look like she has a better grasp of things, then there is a complete, 180 degree turn back to where she was. She is now viewing such behaviours, attaching meanings to them, and certain connotations, as well.
She does not wish to be seen at all as attention seeking. She does not wish to be seen at all as Passive-aggressive. She does not wish to be seen at all as manipulative. To her, these are extremely loaded, emotional types of behaviours, and extremely loaded in negative fashions. For if PA was to act, or be perceived in any of these ways, she feels she might as well be dead altogether.
What she is feeling most right now, is a lot of confusion. She is struggling with how to return things to a state of equilibrium. This has nothing to do with blogging, but her life. She feels there is so much in a state of limbo.
She is also still sick. At points she feels she is getting better, but then it is as if her mind plays tricks on her, and it is not so. Although, it may be simply small steps to getting better, and that would be very good. Yet, now that we have been up for a while, there are some signs and symptoms from the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus appearing.
Apart from the lack of judgement, she is having a lot of difficulty with regulation of emotions and thoughts. Even if there is no trigger, they can sometimes change so fast, she feels there is no control. She is working very hard to try and keep things as level as possible. She told me the other day, after dealing with CBT and other types of similar therapies while in hospital so many times, “I’m CBT’ing myself all over the place!” She is having some success with that. Nonetheless, this was another concern she had regarding blogging.
She has noted that her emotions can be regulated, and very much improved, when around or in contact with other people. If they are understanding, or upbeat, or someone who will listen to wee PA and be supportive, it makes her feel much better. That may seem quite an obvious thing to you all, but PAs processing is slow.
Also, speaking of processing and wee PA, I will leave you with this. It does not really fit with the post material, but she is waving at me across the room, desperate that I include it here. Last night, she had an extremely and incredibly important breakthrough regarding her PTSD. She found a “Golden Key” as she likes to refer to them. There is something that has been plaguing her for several years, and she thinks she has figured it out. It all seems to make sense to her. We are both happy for that, at least.
Then again, it is a Golden Key. Gold is expensive, so you still need to pay a price for it. Wee PA feels any price is absolutely worth it, however. She feels it so strongly, that even if the cost requires your mind to slip to some degree in paying for it, that doesn’t matter one bit.
Despite it probably not being the best time for her to purchase her Golden Key, it presented itself and she had no choice. It is one more thing for her to think about, but in looking at her keychain, I believe this is the first and only one she has ever found.
Human beings are completely rational creatures.
Human beings act in completely rational ways.
It is actually the situations and circumstances that are completely irrational; these conditions under which human beings are forced to exist and act.
I used to say that I loved unconditionally. That is a total lie. At least now I know it.
There is no such thing as “Unconditional Love.” Why should there be? How could there be? There are conditions to everything in life. What would make love an exception?
When I love someone, I give a lot of myself. A lot. In fact, that’s probably why I thought I’ve loved so “unconditionally” in the past. However, I’ve needed someone to hit me over the head with a sledgehammer to clue me in to what is really the truth. My wants and desires come with a price tag, just like everyone else’s.
Illusions aren’t what they are for no reason, either. Every magician knows the secret behind the tricks. PA has just pulled a rabbit out of her own hat.
Now something for MP3 of the Moment. I give you:
“I Don’t Understand Anything” by Everything But The Girl
Starting new course tomorrow at school. Can barely get out of bed and move now. Can’t think at all. Can this or will this “force” me to think? Somehow get me going(?) That would be good.
I can’t go on much longer like this. Any choice? No. I can’t control my brain. I can’t control life. I wonder what’s going to happen in the near future? I’m kind of laughing. Just how much more can I take? I’m already pretty, fucking far gone! HA! Oh, shit. Goddamn, bloody hell! I am seriously losing it! *laughing*
It’s not funny, really. I was amazed I could speak in a relatively, coherent fashion on the phone today.
Logic and reason can only take you so far. I can see the logic and reason but I can’t grasp it. Because I think I can see some of the “illogical,” too. Yes? And it makes sense. So, the “illogical” becomes the logical! Why, then, if it all “makes sense,” am I so messed up?
Because not everything in life is logical. No, the vast majority of it isn’t. Sorry, Spock. I want ya, I need ya, but this time…
Also, please note that this has been written under the heavy influence of Valium and Gravol. I don’t believe I’ve reached the point of self-medication yet. No, seriously. Well, maybe ease up on the Gravol? I don’t know. I’m too much of a wreck so maybe I do need it! And tummy is not happy! *nods*
Maybe my life is getting closer to becoming that nuclear wasteland after all. I’d mentioned that a couple of days ago. I’d actually really like that to happen. I thought I’d been to the brink and back before. Perhaps, I was only doing some warm ups.