You Could Have Just ‘Sat’ on My Keyboard!

I decided to try and switch gears the other night and work on some of my “creative” (ahem) writing.  No blogging (well, after my daily post) and no more work-related business (oh, which I am failing at anyway!) Still, maybe getting some other types of brainwaves going and, yes, some “creative” juices flowing might help somehow? Another way of motivating myself?

Well, the weather is getting warmer here so out are coming all the bugs.  Recall me cleaning up my flat and finding little mommy spider laying a few eggs. *shudder*  PA does not do well with bugs.

Anyway, I am working away on one of several outstanding pieces (of crap) and I see this teensy, little red thing, no larger than a dot you may make with a pen tip? It was wending it’s way around a couple of my keys on my keyboard.  I tried in vain to sort of “pick it up” or attach it or get it to climb up on to one of my fingertips.  No dice.  I grabbed a tissue and tried to somehow “capture” it with that.

The sneaky little thing then just disappeared right down beneath a key.  I’m not sure but I think it was the letter, “T.”

So, if little nosey parker was that keen on reading what I was writing, did it have to go all the way “underground?” Yes, surely, it could have just sat there and read it all on the screen! Maybe it had poor eyesight.  Or maybe it was more interested in what kind of software I have on my hard drive? Hmmm.

Well, if so…great.  Now I have a “computer bug.” *laughing*

Oh, I’m sorry.  That was just way too easy and I couldn’t help myself.  It’s alright, though.  Macs are basically virus proof and all of that.  You don’t need to install all the McAfee, Norton, AdA-/Spyware business.

I suppose I could get out my can of compressed air and give the keyboard a good blast.  I suspect the little thing is probably dead in it somewhere.  The new MacBooks’ keyboards are a single unit.  They are sealed so really, the little buggie is probably trapped in there.  It was really tiny, however.  And everything is electrical so he (she?) could have gotten fried.  Or…with enough time, there’s no food.  Starved buggie.

Honestly.  An insect crawling right into my keyboard.

Good Fortune on a Bench!

Before I begin with my little story (that gave me a good laugh), I will say that opposed to yesterday, I really gave the boots to both myself and the work that I needed to get done. I spent at least five to six hours working straight (minus a couple of tea breaks sitting outside) completing all the stuff that I meant to do over the weekend.

Still. So much more to do. At least I got caught up on what I was supposed to do. There’s at least one more thing that I need to do before tomorrow. Answer some rather pointed questions before I meet with one of the coaches at “Fix Me Up” tomorrow. I started to make a list of answers before I just said, “Fix ME Up” and strolled down to the pub where I currently am right now. Awww, come on guys! After ramming it for several hours straight, I deserve just a bit of beer as a reward? Right? Huh?

So, I’m kickin’ it with my iPod on and typin’ and bouncin’ like a wee ADD freakzoid because…erm…yeah. I very well and rightly so got into hyperfocus mode and I’m still, jolly well there! No, you should see me. You should see my typical ADD “bouncy leg.” People must be thinking WTF?!?!?! PA.No.Care

Alright, on with the story. Has everyone out there heard of Double Bubble chewing gum? According to the wiki link it’s sold in 50 countries so I think most of you know it?

Anyway, I was out one evening and I saw…well? If you are familiar with it, you should know about its comic strip history? I espied…oh, a Double Bubble comic “stuck” to a bench.  And NO, it wasn’t stuck to the bench with a piece of Double Bubble.

I immediately recognised it and it took me right back to childhood.  I mean, talk about marketing! Get the kids to buy your shitty gum (and believe me it was shitty–and probably still is) by adding a little surprise inside! So, I picked it up and I swear to god…it was just perfect for me after the “shitty” day I had!

The character, “Pud,” who came along in 1950 after a couple of the originals, was sitting at his computer.  He was on the phone calling: “Tech Support.”  What was he saying?

“Tech Support? My computer has a WEDGIE!”

On his screen were all of these squiggly lines that ran from corner to corner and were pinched in the middle! Oh, hahaha! Geeky PA sure got a giggle.  But it gets better in how it cheered her up.  It was almost like a “Fortune Cookie.”  There was a little message underneath the cartoon.  It said…

“Your Double Bubble Fortune: A Smile A Day Keeps Worry Away.”

Well, I will tell you that it certainly gave me a smile that day! I still have it.  I’m keeping it.  Especially now since I’ve made a post about it. *laughing*

You’ll Have To Get More Later…Too Tired With Fighting WP

Yes, this post is an hour over deadline. Endless server maintenance… I’m not sure, perhaps only on a hour…

…but for someone with ADD it can only be described as:

“whah-whah-flah-blah-hobbitfauh-fraw-braw-strall-trallll-kalaza…nooo!!!”

EDIT: and yes, will be edited to be edited for time…yes.

Pissed At WP AGAIN!!!

Why the fuck will it not upload my images that have been shot vertically from my digital camera but it uploads the horizontal ones just tickety-fuckin’-boo! It uploads them if they were horizontal so they are all rotated 90° and look stupid (obviously.)

I don’t know how long I have been bloody well arseing around trying to post this, fuck with their little buttons, go to their FUHQ page for help and also screw around with my next-to-nil HTML knowledge within the post itself. Oh yeah, I also went to page source and whee! CSS!? I didn’t even bother with that shite and I couldn’t modify it anyway?

If anyone has a goddamn clue, please let me know.

And yes, everything is showing, viewing, saving and la-de-fucking-da on my Mac properly. I even tried saving in the horizontal manner that WP was uploading them in to see if it liked it that way but nope.

Laters,
Pissed PA

Very Tired And Knickers In A Knot About WP

As some of you other WP bloggers might know already, do not know, might be interested in or not… After they did their sort of “overhaul” of our templates etc… they also did something else. For some reason, it didn’t affect me right away. Maybe the rollout took some time to get everyone on board.

I made a post and then I went in to respond to my comments. Right above them all was a list of “Possibly Related Links.” Huh? I clicked on the links and Oh.Holy.Hell. “Related” my Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case Ass!!! I fucking flipped! Just how on earth did this shit get on my blog???

I contacted my “WordPress Go-To-Guy” Gabriel… who has written a post about it here. You might want to have a look? In my typical fashion on his posts I have commented several times in a row. That is because his posts (and other commenter’s thoughts) can get me thinking and then I think some more. And then think some more. It’s kind of: “And another thing!” “Wait, and another thing!” He doesn’t mind, though. Because I’m nuts.

I really don’t understand this “thing” that they’ve implemented. If you don’t read the link above, from what I can gather (after reading some discussion on WP until my head was going to explode) it’s something they are doing in connection with Sphere. I can’t stand it. I’m tempted to re-enable it right now for this post just to show you what it might bring back. However, since I have linked to the discussion above, well, that might bring a huge downpour of utter vomit. Linking to Sphere? Well, that might just bring me in boatloads of advertising?

I could write some absolutely ridiculous post all about being completely mental, how horny as all hell I am right now, the fucking colour of paint on my walls, my random obsession of the moment, how handy I am at replacing doorknobs and installing locks–I can actually do this quite well–it’s very simple, my love of anime, some information about meds, how I still have my first teddy bear and baby blanket, how my bed is again (still?) in total disrepair and continue to direct everyone to the “Nutcase Bed Poll” on my sidebar, that my favourite colour is purple, I am in desperate need of a haircut, if I can’t get a job in a suitable time frame, I am thinking of becoming an escort (high class, of course–I want to make the big bucks.)

Do you think that would be good enough content to garner some nice “Possibly Related Links?” Bloody hell I know all the ones about sex would. And my bed. And maybe even my teddy bear too would get tied in! I’d get some nice links to stuff about the “Plushie” or “Plushophile” gang!

Knackered Or Numb?

Well, I made it through today.  Day one of “the funeral” as I called it in my analogy? I didn’t freak out or cry or anything. *PA bows/kneels to her Valium*  Not to mention I was just so busy! I mean…wow, the things that you can accumulate on a computer over time! And let’s not forget that for several years I did not have one at home.  So that meant I had to use my one at work for everything!

I tried to get through it all as best I could but by late in the afternoon I think I was starting to go blind.  And now here I sit typing up this? And guess where? HA! I’m out in a pub having a pint! Oooooohhhhh Nnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s not destroy new baby MacBook all over again!

It’s alright.  I’ve got it all set up properly.  I am as cocooned as I can possibly be.  NO ONE IS GETTING NEAR ME!!! And I’m certainly not going to spill my own drink on it.  I don’t care if I was so exhausted since I’d been up with no sleep for a month straight.  No way in hell.

So there is still more to do as far as my computer but one of my bosses took pity on me and just sent me home.  Come back tomorrow as I need to anyway and pack away all of my personal items.  Ugh.  That’s going to take a while too.  Throw everything in boxes and I will certainly have to take a taxi home.  There will be no way I will be able to take public transit home! Good lord.

I took a bit of a break here and there and popped down to one floor and said some “goodbyes.”  Again, Bless You Valium.  Weird.  Some people were shocked, some were sad, some seemed…oh, really…kind of like “ersatz friend.” Oh well.  Maybe they were having a bad day.  At least polite, little PA said goodbye as she liked them.  There are still so many more I’d like to say goodbye to.

So, I have to go back to hack away at things tomorrow.  I am kind of wondering if I won’t feel so “numb” then.  Yes, I have decided that numb is winning over knackered, although I am both.  When it is all completed…well…then I might feel…who knows what?

Hence my appt. with Merlin #1 on Monday.

And speaking of “feeling?” Or not feeling…? Or erm…? Hacking away at things? Oh, maybe that last one was too much…

A change in cutting patterns.  Yes, I’m just slipping this in at the end.  Things got a bit too stressy and out of control last night and so did I.  Ran a bath, grabbed “my knife” and did some small lacerations on my left thigh.  Nothing serious (I mean in “damage” but it’s a fucking cutting.)  Then I just laid back in the hot water…

This time was different, though.  After sitting and thinking, drinking (I can hear you Greybeard…) I actually planned it all out.  And it was my leg.  The body part? Well, maybe that is not such a big deal but this is the first time I have ever planned to cut.  It was not impulsive as they all have been before.  It was like, ‘okay…let’s finish my beer, go run the bath and do the cutting.  Let’s not make it that serious, of course.  I have to go into work to take care of things tomorrow!’

Hmmm.

Okay, PA.  Try to keep it together…try to keep it together…

The Bed Poll Is Up!

As per my comments to myself on my last post about making my bed, I decided to put up a poll.  It’s on my right sidebar.  Now, it’s not super fab and eye catching–it’s hyperlinked to another site as WP.com still won’t support the “pretty” stuff.  Unless I got an upgrade? Plugins? Feh.

And feel free to answer it if you don’t have an official dx or anything.  I mean you don’t really have to carry a mental illness label around here to be “crazy” or a “nutcase.”  You don’t have to be taking meds and all of that.  You all know quite well by now that I DO NOT discriminate.

So have at it kids! Cast your vote about your bed making (or your not bed making) habits!

Lost Spun Junkie

Okay, did it. All. This might be tomorrow’s Blog365 post by the time done. First, Black Monday. Bad…sounded bad. No. No sound bad. Sad, sad, sad. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Love, love, love place. Never, never say bad about place. Just hurt, hurt, hurt. Sorry.

Lost/Spun: I got lost on my way to gastro man. Have joked about getting lost in my own city. About how meds can make you dull and by not having car anymore. But today so messed it was BAD. Had to ask transit man how to do it after I went way, well not way but past. I looked dumb.

No. Not dumb. I looked…

Junkie: Whoa. No. So non-functional facially but at least physically? But not so verbally. Get to that. I showered. That was good. But when I got to gastro man I was completely…I don’t even know how to describe. I guess, spaced, having problems communicating verbally and no eye contact. I have had problems with loss of eye contact before when overstimulated due to anxiety so…? This always made me think I was somehow on the Aspie/HFA Spectrum but I am not. I think it may be just some other form of mentalness that comes out. However, there was a lot of self-soothing behaviour going on today as well that can be done with folks on the Spectrum. I was (typically for me) doing a lot of rocking while both sitting and standing.

So I told gastro man what was up because otherwise he would have thought it was my tummy but it kind of is as I do feel a bit sick. We both agreed that I could become sick. Definitely. So a two month follow up instead of my regular six and a call immediately if I get sick. Also he told me to call my GP immediately. Okay.

Off to pharmacy. Got as many refills since it was on the way. Done. *sigh* Getting tired. Still, junkie face. Tried to talk more and not look so stupid as I had to handle money.

Baby MacBook. They fucked up. I told them I was coming in today but they didn’t have my new machine set up to do the data dump. So I had to wait. It took a little less than two hours. So it’s here with my lovely bag that I thought it might be nice to travel with? Heh.

They told me all data…everything is safe, done. All secure. I haven’t looked and maybe will later. I told them I would call them if there was a problem as I was too tired to look at in the store.

And on transit, the packaging kept falling apart and I was falling over. Finally, someone gave me a seat.

Gee, what’s tomorrow going to be like?

And I wrote this tonight. Something else tomorrow, then.

Going To Try…

I have my appt. with gastro man this afternoon.  I think it will take me about two hours via public transit from my home.  I have charged my iPod–of course.  Tune out the world–of course.  Always when travelling.

Music? I haven’t really listened to any since the day after.  I know, wasn’t that the title of that movie after a nuclear bomb went off back in the 80s? Not when the bomb went off–when the movie was made–haha.  We’d all be dead if the bomb went off.  I am simply calling the day “Black Monday.”  Anyway, oddly enough Gabriel… mentioned blasting music to get rid of stress ( I am assuming?) I did just that the next day.  Skinny Puppy–also from the 80s…

I do this when upset and flippy.  Blast away crazy, evil sounding, out of control types of music.  It sounds counterproductive or counterintuitive as you would think someone would like something soothing but not me.  I did this in hospital as well.

However, last night while laying in bed, trying to go to sleep while waiting for the meds to kick in, I played my beloved Tallis Scholars and my favourite CD by them (Taverner’s Western Wind Mass.)  I was a little scared to, at first.  There have times when I have been so depressed and upset, I just can’t listen to them.  They just upset me even more! But last night they did soothe me.  I did almost start crying so I might have to watch listening to my Tallis! Still, perhaps they soothed because of my meds and how exhausted I was.

Meds.  They seem to be holding up alright? I was going to say that the Seroquel/Quetiapine is the most important for sleep but maybe they are all equally important.  For sleep, I could supplement with Gravol/Dimenhydrinate but that really should be a short term solution.  And sleep.  Still lots of bad dreams, even if I can only remember them in fragments when I wake up.  Not pleasant definitely during–when the sleep is fitful and I want to wake up crying.  I have done this before in the past with some dreams.  Again, so odd for someone who rarely remembers their dreams.  I suspect this will continue for a while as with so much else.

I have an upcoming appintment with Merlin #1 next week, I think.  I have to check his card in my wallet. I could call him and see if he could fit me in sooner but since it is “soon,” I don’t know.  I am having enough trouble functioning.  Getting the motivation to go see gastro man has been incredibly difficult as is.  My meds can always be adjusted if need be.  If I feel I think so at anytime, I will tell him and we can make the changes.  I must remember to head to my pharmacy as I am running low on my Nexium/Esomeprazole.  That, I shouldn’t go without as no doubt my tummy could certainly start kicking up with all of this.  In fact, I can feel one of my symptoms coming back as I type this–it was due to stress.  Shit.  No pun intended.  Also, I am feeling some pain right now too.  Stress as well? Boy, this appointment is probably going to be a doozy today.

I also need to pick up new baby MacBook on the way home–and all of its peripherals I bought too.  Again, I don’t care.  I guess now that I will have it, I can get MP3 Of The Moment back up and running and start streaming lots of depressing music for you–as if these posts weren’t enough, eh?

Well, I’d better get going.  I am moving like a turtle these days.  And either a completely stoned one, a paralyzed one (wait that doesn’t make sense–you can’t move if you’re paralyzed…ahhh, you get it…) or a petrified and confused one.  Or all three…no, just former and latter.  But definitely the latter.

I might post later to let you know how everything went.

And as a note for this and future posts, I’m kind of “crazily” categorizing things all over the place because I just don’t know where to put what I’m writing about. I can’t be arsed to make more Categories because I’m just too out of it.  I am definitely not too arsed to blog but I can’t do any major work on it–just write.

Thanks.

Still Very Unwell

I suspect you will be receiving daily dispatches about how messed up I continue to be for quite some time? At least I am keeping up with Blog365! Can you believe? You are all of such support to me that I will not stop blogging. However, yes, I am not feeling well. Also, what is not helping me is another view from work.

PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. WHOEVER YOU ARE…BE KIND TO ME AND SHOW SOME COMPASSION AND CARE.

PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG.

AS ONE COMMENTER SAID, I HAVE HELPED MANY PEOPLE BY EDUCATING THEM AND SUPPORTING THEM REGARDING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

I DO NOT WISH TO STOP DOING SO.

THIS IS ALSO A CREATIVE OUTLET AND THIS MAY ENCOURAGE YOU TO KEEP READING, NONETHELESS, PLEASE ALLOW ME MY PRIVACY.

I will no longer write about my former workplace anymore. It is starting to upset me too much, especially by seeing someone read me from there. This entire event has been and is too stressful already. I loved where I work and still do. It is breaking my heart to leave.

So, on with simply my life as it currently stands–or lies (lays?) for that is all I really want to do. I just want to lie/lay (even my grammar is shot right now) in bed all day and not move. Can you smell my depression emanating from your computer right now? Indeed.

However, I am moving for here I type. I got up, took my meds and had a bit of breakfast. I feel like I am running my own little hospital with room for only one, little patient. In my fitful state of sleep (oh…bad dreams, bad dreams…) I hear a nurse screaming in my ear: “Breakfast! Breakfast! Time to get up!”

Followed by me not wanting to move…”PA? PA? Are you alright?”

In PA’s head: Oh, silly nurse! Do you think I’m alright? I’m in a bloody psych ward!

Followed by a coaxing nurse: “Come on PA, time for your medication and some breakfast…”

By this time I can’t get back to sleep anyway so what the hell. I need my meds regardless of food so who cares? I can always go back to bed later. Oh, and by the way folks…I am wearing hospital bottoms as pyjamas today so this whole “hospital for one” thing just gets even better and better.

Cognitively? Who knows? BWAH-HA-HA!!! Good one, eh? Did you catch that? Cognitive impairment…“who knows?” Oh…PA…even when life is going down the tubes you can still find a sense of humour? Even for a nanosecond?

Sure. Now I’m depressed again.

I have to see gastro man tomorrow. I was tempted to call and cancel this morning but his card says they require 48 hours notice. I see. Does that mean I get a charge if I don’t call within that time frame? Some doctors here (at least in my area) do that and for some other things (script call-ins to pharmacies etc…) Well, I’d rather avoid that. So, maybe I should try really hard to go. It’s really far away from my home, though. It would take a long time. It would get me out of my flat, at least. If so, nicer weather? It is very dismal today. Good god, like I even care about the weather! I only care about my bed! And tea. I always care about my tea…

I’m also supposed to pick up new baby MacBook tomorrow. I was so looking forward to that, even though the whole ordeal cost me so much money. I am not happy about my new computer at all. In fact, I don’t even care. I love baby MacBook–both in old and new forms. Now? Don’t care.

I’m just so scared. One day at a time, right? So easy to say but not easy to do.

Wow, I do feel like going to hospital. Not because I’m at risk but just because it’s “safe.” I felt that way when I was there a year ago. Just like everything was alright…it was like this little haven where I didn’t have to worry–about anything at all.

*PA crying*