Whoa…Auditory Hallucination Time

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

Puking and Schmoozing Last Friday

So I went to go see Merlin #1 last Friday. I puked my guts out and told him how stressed I was about all of the job “Fix Me Up” stuff and the place itself. Actually, I puked before I left for my appointment. I was outside having some tea and didn’t even get through half of my cuppa.   Then, it all came right up. I puked before I left for my appointment with him the week before as well but that was breakfast that came up. I forgot to tell him then but I mentioned it all last Friday.

I blogged before that I have what I call: Vomit Trauma. Not to toot my own horn, but it has some interesting links that state my little moniker is actually somewhat of a “recognised term.”  The post garnered a few comments and some discussion. You may wish to have a read–or not? Nonetheless, me letting it all go and barfing away is extremely rare. Or it used to be? I have noticed that I am now gagging like hell all the time when I am stressed out. That’s a real blast, as well. But now that I’m actually to the point of letting the gag reflex go and starting to heave up everything regularly when getting worked up over something?

That’s fucked. That’s stress.

As soon as I left and got on public transit, I popped a Valium/Diazepam.  No kidding?

We talked.  What is/was there to do? I told him that I was drinking more than I should as well because of the stress.  Why not admit it? It further elaborates just how messed up I am about everything.  Beyond that, how’s my sleep? Fine, I guess.  Even if it’s fitful and restless, I am getting enough to wake up and be functional enough.  Do I still have a decent supply of Valium.  Yep.

After that, I decided to push myself and go to “Fix Me Up Job Place” and familiarise myself with the surroundings a bit more and do some work there.  On the first day not knowing what to expect, I wore a business suit.  After last Friday (I wore another one) I will now definitely keep wearing them! Get ready for this!

So, sane face on, I met a few more people and wanted to personally thank one facilitator whose book I received.  I located him, shook his hand and did so.  We had a chat about how I was finding things there, my impressions and such.  Of course I said it was great, fantastic, I was loving it…all of that.  He asked how long I would be there that afternoon and mentioned they were having someone in for a meeting (someone from a corporation I later surmised.)  He jokingly asked if I would mind coming to meet the person, introduce myself and say how much I was enjoying things and my thoughts! I told him, sure.  That wouldn’t be a problem.

He was rather taken aback for a moment.  He asked if it wouldn’t be putting me on the spot.  I told him that no, it wouldn’t be at all! I am comfortable with public speaking (as long as I am familiar with the material) and certainly meeting someone and offering my opinions and/or experiences is fine.

I saw the first woman I met there and mentioned to her that I believed I was going to meet the person coming in for the session.  She just sort of looked at me strangely.

A short time later, the facilitator came by, gave me a little wave and off we all went.  There were several people from “Fix Me Up” present and I kind of got the picture that this was…something…as a few people were rushing around quite a bit before I got my little wave.

So off I go, I was introduced, everyone’s grinning, I chatted a bit and then they went off to their meeting.  I went off to finish what I was doing.  At that point, I decided to proceed further, try to start selling myself to “Fix Me Up.”  I offered myself to them if they were hiring, I spoke to another man there about a little of my past experience and he promptly asked me for my resume for future prospects.  After the meeting was over, everyone was bouncing around eating chocolates so they’re giving me some too…  I was thanked so much for what I did…

*sigh*

I’m going in for most of this week.  I feel bad as I have neglected some work that I wanted to do regarding all of my job searching business that I should have done this weekend.  However, I shall try to kick it into (a) high(er) gear tomorrow? I’m just feeling somewhat mental, still overwhelmed and scared shitless and definitely having a hard time getting my shit together (come on, PA!)

Perhaps having that experience last Friday may help with the anxiety over it as well but I am feeling uneasy (again) about going in tomorrow.  Maybe it’s because of “sexy, possibly want to sleep with me, possible job offer woman” I met over the weekend.  I should just put that one out of my mind? Although it really is just so out there and off the wall.  And also with them living on my street? Shall I bump into them? That is a definite possibility.

Is The Valium Working Too Well?

I really don’t know what to write about. In fact, I don’t really have any desire to blog. I don’t really have any desire to do anything. *laughing*

However, I am making some pasta right now. Weird, huh? I’m eating. And I had a fairly large breakfast that was really closer to lunch as I was sort of screwing around after I woke up. Still, is the Topamax/Topiramate working in reverse? No appetite loss? Maybe it’s just because I’m already on it so my brain and body are both used to it. Speaking of my brain, it doesn’t seem to be so fried by the dosage adjustment. I was sort of figuring I’d be alright after a few days? Yes?

So, I’m kind of in: “I Don’t Really Care Land.” Not that I don’t care!. No, of course I care! Valium/Diazepam hasn’t turned me into some sort of emotionally unfeeling meanie! I’m just sort of, m…e…l…l…o…w… Has my Valium knocked out my Biphentin? Which is actually Concerta/Extended Release Methlyphenidate, folks. No contraindication. I just think I…don’t…care… Well, maybe I will later when I start feeling like crap about life but for now?

And hungry. Now, between monitoring my Penne, I’ve been just poking around and Valium does have some possible appetite increasing properties–in cats. Perhaps PA is a cat? Or maybe she was one in a former life? Really, not much else out there except maybe some appetite loss or something with Valium abuse? I didn’t really look, as again, I’m just not motivated.

Oh, and a PA secret for Valium. Well, that is to say a secret for PA and her Valium. She wasn’t quite sure of it’s efficacy for her plus a bit of tummy pain so best taken with food. That seems to make her nice and out of it and no tummy pain.

*PA runs off to perform Penne check*

Pasta Cooking Tip: Do not rinse your pasta. Ex-partner who is a chef told me this. You may think you are getting rid of some icky “starch” or something but there is already starch in your pasta. You don’t want to rinse it as the sauce or whatever you are preparing “sticks” better to unrinsed pasta.

‘Geez. Penne’s such a “fat” pasta, don’t you think? It takes forever to cook! I honestly don’t know why I buy it. It’s not my favourite “type” or “shape.” I really like “Scoobi Do” that is also known as “Cavatappi.”

What do you think:

Yeah, it’s pretty cool because of the corkscrew shape and it also has the little ridges all the way along. I always used to laugh at the one name, Scoobi Do, as it sounds like this guy. Scooby-Doo!

Well, it’s still pretty early yet. I’m not sure what I’ll do for the rest of the evening. I sent an email earlier today and it took me about three hours. I’m not kidding.

Maybe some TV? That doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually, putting this post together was kind of fun *grin* And it didn’t require that much effort. And I finally got a chance to play with the new “Add Image” feature that they set up in WP. Wow! SO much easier. Way cool. However, they are “aligncentered…” but not publishing that way although when I go into “Edit” mode, they are centred. Hmmm. Oh well, no biggie.

That Was NOT Fun Yesterday

I need to puke out this post first and then I will get to everyone’s comments. Wow, I can barely type today. A bit of a mess. Rather. Yes.

I had mentioned that I hadn’t cycled that quickly and in such a forceful manner (as you could probably gather from me commenting on the post in block caps) in years. Well, sometimes it’s all well and good to have the energy and the “up” feeling of being (hypo)manic. Later, things got a lot worse for me.

I was still pretty hyper after taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine and hopping into bed. I decided to put on my iPod to listen to some music to try and relax me and calm me down. It has helped in the past. That’s when things took a turn…whoa.

I flipped. I started bawling and it was straight into a really, really, bad Dysphoric Mania. It was taking everything to not do a cutting. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I mean, prior to that, I did experience a calm but I guess I must have been in the eye of the storm?

I took off my iPod and headphones and threw them across the bed. I’m amazed I didn’t throw them across the room! I’m kind of saying that in jest as I’m not a “thrower.” I’m not one in my mentalness or even when I just get upset with anything to throw things–you know, if someone is having a fight they start tossing the dishes around and all of that. Not PA. I mean, that can get expensive if you fight a lot, right? I guess, buy paper plates and glasses? Ha ha…trying to be funny but I don’t feel funny…well, I do but in a brain, sick tummy way…get to that.

So, I got up, not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I went outside in the freezing cold with some water (I’ve been very dehydrated lately–probably tummy related) and had a cigarette as I thought that might do some good. I then resorted to some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate and hoped that would knock me out. I didn’t dare want to take any more Seroquel. Best to just monkey around with something that was OTC if I can’t sleep. At least I had the presence of mind to not start fucking with meds even if I was seriously going out of my mind.

I mean, it was BAD.

When I see Merlin #1 next week I am going to suggest adding some benzos to my pretty, rainbow cocktail. They are fast and easy and I can just pop some if I start to feel I’m getting out of control. Wow, I could surely use some now. I am a bit of a wreck after yesterday and last night. My brain is fried and I feel disgusting physically in tummy land.

It’s been so long since I have felt that way. Not just a random period of either a Mixed State or a Dysphoric Mania–well, one wasn’t so “random.” It was caused by taking Strattera/Atomoxetine that Dr. Asshole gave me for my ADD and I temporarily forgot that it is basically–well no– it is an AD. Yep, send PA straight into Bipolar hell.

Nonetheless, this stress is obviously having much more of an impact on my mind than I originally thought it might? Well, this was always in the back of my “mind” but I thought I could withstand all of this and be “strong” enough. However, we can never “control” our brains when it comes to triggers with our neurochemistry. That’s just the way it goes. Again, I think my only recourse at this point is to get some benzos. We could also do some tinkering with my other meds but…

Well, the Lamictal/Lamotrigine takes too long with titration, it’s a tricky AC and obviously it’s apparent I need some help now? The Topamax/Topiramate? Well, sure…that might be worth a shot. It served me so well for so many years and the titration can be done quickly with that–at least for me–no problems there. The Seroquel? I take it for sleep and I don’t know of its efficacy for me in terms of controlling my winging out with the Bipolarness. That almost seems too experimental when I’m getting into crazyland, crisis mode these days? That’s it for my Bipolar meds.

And I will not stop my Biphentin. I am having enough problems concentrating as it is. The Biphentin is not causing the problem; my current situation is. Therefore, I can not see how removing that would help. This is stress related–not med related. I am quite sure that taking my stim away would do nothing to help my life and what I have to face. In fact, I think it would make me more of a spun doofus when I do need to focus right now.

Benzos? I’ve taken Serax/Oxazepam which has been my staple for years in the past. It was…alright for my anxiety and also alright for my sleep but not now for sleep, I would bet. My insomnia has worsened over the years as I could go on and off the Serax at will when my sleep was fine. Now? Sleep meds forever, I am quite sure of that! I have also tried Klonopin/Riva(o)tril/Clonazepam (called by different names wherever the hell you are as all meds…) but I fell into one category of folks where with extended use, it caused depression. Oh yeah, just what I need right?

So, I’m not sure. Go back to my old one or give Valium/Diazepam a try? I’ve always been curious about that one. I’ve never tried Xanax/Alprazolam. A lot of people think that’s the boogeyman of the benzos but I’ve never had a problem with taking my benzo before as I could go on and off. And even with my Gravol that I love so much! It’s not like I’m popping them all the time! I can’t take Ativan/Lorazepam. Well, I can, it’s just that there is no point. They’re like little pieces of candy to me. No effect at all.

Anyway, I just think I need something to keep me from freaking out as my anxiety is at pretty high levels now. I need some pharmaceutical intervention. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I know I have no control but if it keeps up, it WILL be hospital time and I really don’t want that. I can’t afford it. Not in terms of time, money…all of that. I need to get back on track, get a job, get my life in order.

I know my health comes first and realistically, if I am not healthy I can not take care of the above anyway. However, if I can manage to get through this without my brain either exploding or imploding, that is what I want to do.

Wow, I think this is longer than I expected.

Hey, at least in my “up” state, I managed to get baby MacBook out of the box. I guess I can put the relic away. That’s good. I was sitting on the floor, trying to lean against Mozart’s scratching post that I still have and trying to balance the keyboard on my lap. It was killing my body. Now, I am more comfortably on my bed. Pillows… *PA leans*

Exhausted PA.

I was too all over to do anything with it so I waited for today to check everything out. Good grief, could you imagine being all out of it and ME destroying my new one?!?!?! Well, I don’t think I would have but still. I wanted to be in a more “sane” state of mind to check all of the data dump.

Whew. It’s all there. As far as I can tell? If I come across anything when I’m looking, then I guess I’ll know but so far, sound as a pound. Shit, the screen is so “new” and “clean…” It’s so bright it’s almost hurting my eyes! I just dimmed it. Maybe my eyes are just tired. No doubt.

The only thing “missing” if you are thinking of buying one is the remote I got with my first one. It’s now an “upgrade” that you have to purchase. Although I’m using mine at the moment and it’s still fine. Like it wouldn’t be? It’s a little thing that shoots out a…well, a little thing. Actually, it seems to work better with new baby MacBook than old baby MacBook? Huh.

On the flip side, with mine (the black) and one of the whites (ewww…white) is they did some upgrades. I now have a 250MB hard drive whereas I only had a 160MB and you had to upgrade for that. Also, I seem to have a DVD burner now! That was an upgrade as well, as before it was only DVD-ROM/CD-RW. Leopard may seem to have some neater features that I am kind of finding out as I’m going along here? Well, I guess I won’t categorize this under “Technology Sucks.”

And…there’s nothing that smells better than a brand new Mac, straight out of the box. Well, except leather and garlic cooking?

So Soon Gastro Man? Did You Really Think So?

EDIT: As per tummy stuff below, now I’m feeling nauseous too! I thought Gravol/Dimenhydrinate was supposed to help with that

My sister called at 0830hrs and woke me up. That’s alright. At least she finally picked up my messages. She was off to work (she tries as much as she can as she has Fibromyalgia.) As a result, she has her own flavour of mental illness–Depression–although it seems to be a bit transient as she is no longer on meds. It really is due to the Fibro. It’s not like me where I feel like I keep drowning over and over and over again in the shallow end of the gene pool. However, there is a possibility that there may be a genetic link with Fibro. But mommy? Thanks for the Bipolar genes at least!

That may be why my sister is like so many of us other whackjobs and our telephones. Either we’re scared, morbidly depressed and don’t want to talk to anyone, less morbidly depressed but still don’t want to talk to anyone or we are in hospital. I guess there are other non-whackjobs that can’t be arsed to pick up the telephone or their messages also.

Anyway, since my early wake up call (and my rough night) I am waiting for some Gravol to kick in.

Oh…kick. I feel like I someone has squarely placed one directly to my stomach. And wow…not in so long has it happened but a terrible GERD attack in the middle of the night. And now, is the wacky shitting back? Things aren’t so well there, either!

Sorry, I know. That is in terribly bad taste but I’m sure if you did a search of “wacky shitting” on this blog, many posts would come up as I know I wrote it a lot while being so ill over that duration! And if you haven’t been here before, be prepared for a hell of a ride at times as I am very frank on this blog!

I should take my meds? At least my Nexium/Esomeprazole? Biphentin…will you “undo” my Gravol? Just take more? I am sooooo tired. I mean, my insides hurt, my outsides hurt (and that’s just physically.) Emotionally…ouchies there too, of course.

I guess I’ll take my meds and just laze about. Maybe sleep? Keep chugging back milk as I’ve been doing throughout the night and morning?

I might be back again…maybe even posting from new baby MacBook.

Oh, and food. I should have some breakfast but my stomach is hurting too much to even think of food. I haven’t quite had a litre of milk yet. At least a half and maybe three quarters of a litre? Yesterday was a bit difficult being so busy–like I’m motivated to eat anyway. Still, a couple of granola bars and a can of Ensure on the way to gastro man, then a sandwich for dinner. Oh, and some cake as I have to gain, gain, gain, right?

Maybe some food later then. Just something gentle if tummy is still unhappy.

Lost Spun Junkie

Okay, did it. All. This might be tomorrow’s Blog365 post by the time done. First, Black Monday. Bad…sounded bad. No. No sound bad. Sad, sad, sad. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Love, love, love place. Never, never say bad about place. Just hurt, hurt, hurt. Sorry.

Lost/Spun: I got lost on my way to gastro man. Have joked about getting lost in my own city. About how meds can make you dull and by not having car anymore. But today so messed it was BAD. Had to ask transit man how to do it after I went way, well not way but past. I looked dumb.

No. Not dumb. I looked…

Junkie: Whoa. No. So non-functional facially but at least physically? But not so verbally. Get to that. I showered. That was good. But when I got to gastro man I was completely…I don’t even know how to describe. I guess, spaced, having problems communicating verbally and no eye contact. I have had problems with loss of eye contact before when overstimulated due to anxiety so…? This always made me think I was somehow on the Aspie/HFA Spectrum but I am not. I think it may be just some other form of mentalness that comes out. However, there was a lot of self-soothing behaviour going on today as well that can be done with folks on the Spectrum. I was (typically for me) doing a lot of rocking while both sitting and standing.

So I told gastro man what was up because otherwise he would have thought it was my tummy but it kind of is as I do feel a bit sick. We both agreed that I could become sick. Definitely. So a two month follow up instead of my regular six and a call immediately if I get sick. Also he told me to call my GP immediately. Okay.

Off to pharmacy. Got as many refills since it was on the way. Done. *sigh* Getting tired. Still, junkie face. Tried to talk more and not look so stupid as I had to handle money.

Baby MacBook. They fucked up. I told them I was coming in today but they didn’t have my new machine set up to do the data dump. So I had to wait. It took a little less than two hours. So it’s here with my lovely bag that I thought it might be nice to travel with? Heh.

They told me all data…everything is safe, done. All secure. I haven’t looked and maybe will later. I told them I would call them if there was a problem as I was too tired to look at in the store.

And on transit, the packaging kept falling apart and I was falling over. Finally, someone gave me a seat.

Gee, what’s tomorrow going to be like?

And I wrote this tonight. Something else tomorrow, then.

Going To Try…

I have my appt. with gastro man this afternoon.  I think it will take me about two hours via public transit from my home.  I have charged my iPod–of course.  Tune out the world–of course.  Always when travelling.

Music? I haven’t really listened to any since the day after.  I know, wasn’t that the title of that movie after a nuclear bomb went off back in the 80s? Not when the bomb went off–when the movie was made–haha.  We’d all be dead if the bomb went off.  I am simply calling the day “Black Monday.”  Anyway, oddly enough Gabriel… mentioned blasting music to get rid of stress ( I am assuming?) I did just that the next day.  Skinny Puppy–also from the 80s…

I do this when upset and flippy.  Blast away crazy, evil sounding, out of control types of music.  It sounds counterproductive or counterintuitive as you would think someone would like something soothing but not me.  I did this in hospital as well.

However, last night while laying in bed, trying to go to sleep while waiting for the meds to kick in, I played my beloved Tallis Scholars and my favourite CD by them (Taverner’s Western Wind Mass.)  I was a little scared to, at first.  There have times when I have been so depressed and upset, I just can’t listen to them.  They just upset me even more! But last night they did soothe me.  I did almost start crying so I might have to watch listening to my Tallis! Still, perhaps they soothed because of my meds and how exhausted I was.

Meds.  They seem to be holding up alright? I was going to say that the Seroquel/Quetiapine is the most important for sleep but maybe they are all equally important.  For sleep, I could supplement with Gravol/Dimenhydrinate but that really should be a short term solution.  And sleep.  Still lots of bad dreams, even if I can only remember them in fragments when I wake up.  Not pleasant definitely during–when the sleep is fitful and I want to wake up crying.  I have done this before in the past with some dreams.  Again, so odd for someone who rarely remembers their dreams.  I suspect this will continue for a while as with so much else.

I have an upcoming appintment with Merlin #1 next week, I think.  I have to check his card in my wallet. I could call him and see if he could fit me in sooner but since it is “soon,” I don’t know.  I am having enough trouble functioning.  Getting the motivation to go see gastro man has been incredibly difficult as is.  My meds can always be adjusted if need be.  If I feel I think so at anytime, I will tell him and we can make the changes.  I must remember to head to my pharmacy as I am running low on my Nexium/Esomeprazole.  That, I shouldn’t go without as no doubt my tummy could certainly start kicking up with all of this.  In fact, I can feel one of my symptoms coming back as I type this–it was due to stress.  Shit.  No pun intended.  Also, I am feeling some pain right now too.  Stress as well? Boy, this appointment is probably going to be a doozy today.

I also need to pick up new baby MacBook on the way home–and all of its peripherals I bought too.  Again, I don’t care.  I guess now that I will have it, I can get MP3 Of The Moment back up and running and start streaming lots of depressing music for you–as if these posts weren’t enough, eh?

Well, I’d better get going.  I am moving like a turtle these days.  And either a completely stoned one, a paralyzed one (wait that doesn’t make sense–you can’t move if you’re paralyzed…ahhh, you get it…) or a petrified and confused one.  Or all three…no, just former and latter.  But definitely the latter.

I might post later to let you know how everything went.

And as a note for this and future posts, I’m kind of “crazily” categorizing things all over the place because I just don’t know where to put what I’m writing about. I can’t be arsed to make more Categories because I’m just too out of it.  I am definitely not too arsed to blog but I can’t do any major work on it–just write.

Thanks.

Getting Back To “Normal?”

First, thank you to everyone who has read, commented, been available for email…it’s really meant a lot.

Second, I can not stand the last word in my title. What on earth is “normal?”

So back to work today. I was afraid I was going to catch serious hell for being totally shitfaced and plastered when calling from hospital! I didn’t even know what time I called but I had a record on my mobile that said it was just past 0330hrs. WTF? What time did I get home? When did I cut? How long did it take me to shower and get all cleaned up? I know it took a bit to get through triage… And the upstairs tenant! I made a huge ruckus and was falling all over and she helped me inside to my flat. I should fucking buy her some flowers! Her father is with a woman who has Bipolar so she knows mentalness. And she knows I have Bipolar (amongst other things.)

But no work problems? No one said boo?

My paranoia stemmed from catching serious hell before for being “caught” re: drinking many years ago. I believe I blogged about it before and it’s categorized under Self Medication.

I am feeling still sort of…blah today but, again, I suspect that should be “normal.” I imagine it will take me a bit to get back to the level of wellness that I was feeling before this happened. It has been fairly busy today and that has helped keep my mind occupied somewhat. Somewhat. However, as the day has been moving on I do seem to be…”moving on,” as well? Time. That is what is needed, I suppose.

My next appointment with Merlin #1 is in less than two weeks. Fuck. I am reluctant to discuss all of this *sigh* At hospital when in triage, they only confirmed my GP and really, I don’t recall ER records being sent to GPs. No. They never asked for neuro’s name when I went into all of the migraine and seizure talk. Nor did they ask for Merlin #1’s name with all of obvious mental crap and the automatic psych eval ordered! Here, you usually have to sign a release to have records transferred? Unless those are the ones with your primaries? Well, I know I’ve had to do it when going inpatient.

Oh, hell! I don’t know. It’s not like my GP will call to check on me anyway. Well, she might. She is that nice? Doubtful, though. If I wanted to talk to her myself I’d have to go and see her.

I could very well keep this to myself. Would it serve a purpose to get into it all? I’m still at odds and confused as to how it really came about! I have been quite stable for a while and the only mood changes seem to occur with the migraines. Any other weird triggers? Stressors?

Well, baby MacBook got destroyed and that ticked me off but, really? Then the news of my colleague’s friend who died. That did upset me perhaps more than… Well, some folks might just take it as “terrible news” and move on. But it really got to me. However, the migraine hit around that and the moodiness can last as a prodrome symptom for a while. In the past with me, it hit ridiculously quickly and my “prodrome” was basically the migraine itself! And way back the moodiness hasn’t been this bad!!!

And the fucking alcohol. How does that factor in? The tipping point? I’m sure had I not been drunk I wouldn’t have done it. However, had my moods not been so messed up, I don’t think I would have done it either! No! I would have just bloody gone to bed!

I feel I have rather a strange conundrum on my hands.

I was going to go out and buy new baby MacBook yesterday after work but everything went to hell so I couldn’t. I toyed with the idea of going out to do it anyway but I was too exhausted. I stayed up for a bit but eventually decided to order up some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate as an appetizer and then my Seroquel/Quetiapine as a main course. Nighty night.

I need to pick up some Polysporin/antibiotic cream for the mess I’ve made of myself and some other things from the pharmacy on the way home. I was thinking of the scissors to remove the sutures too but I’ll wait for those to see how I heal and how everything looks when I need to pull them out. I might need more than 10 days as I question how well my body heals these days. I don’t believe it is doing as well as it has in the past because of the gastro stuff.. I am probably (possibly?) somewhat nutrient deficient and not so healthy? I do not know.

So I called the tech yesterday and cancelled. I guess I will go in today and drop my load of cash. He won’t be in but I can leave it for him and he will do the data dump. I then will have to wait until Thursday because of the shop’s hours to pick it up. I can’t get there in time after leaving work. Whatever. I also confirmed with Apple (although the AppleCare service person seemed a bit daft about it–let’s hope I get a better one when I have to do it) that I can transfer my existing warranty to the new machine. That is good as I have about two years left.

So I’m going to keep working on trying to get my shit together over the weekend.

A Short Week And A Gender Change?

It’s good that it’s a short week work wise. Yes, it’s Good Friday tomorrow. A few other “good” things? I actually cooked last night–sort of. Nothing fancy. I can’t recall when I’ve made anything really special in years. Still, I had taken out some fish to defrost so I needed to do something with it.

It is good that I seem to be doing a decent job of beating off this virus with a relatively large stick? With as much strength as I can muster? After my dinner last night, I watched a bit of television, took my meds and then promptly went beddy bye and passed out.

I want to feel better by Saturday as I have a date with the Easter Bunny *laughing* No, it’s just another “do” with the woman at the end of the street. She invited a gang of us over for Thanksgiving and Christmas last year and it’s time to do it all over again for this holiday! I can not believe how generous she is! It’s a lot of fun and even though it’s a small group, it usually becomes a royal piss up as the night carries on…oh, dear.

Burn the virus out of my system with alcohol? And no, I’m not categorizing this one under self medication!

Anything “bad?” I woke up in pain this morning! Not that significant, but enough to remind me of the “good” days before I saw gastro-man when things didn’t bother me so much. Taking my morning dose of Nexium/Esomeprazole would usually help on those “good” days. Now? I’m still kind of in pain.

Are my hormones still keeping me in gastro grief? Has the pain symptom come back?

I feel like the cat running away from my gastro problems that are masquerading as Pepe Le Pew: “Le sigh…le…sigh…le pant…le pant…”

Oh, some of these really were so funny: “…eh..I am a creamy puff, no…?”

Actually, instead of a cat I think I’d rather be a man. Operating under the assumption that all of this is hormonally influenced, this would be the perfect solution. Yes, let us dispense with all of this menstruation business! I have never been happy with it–even since day one! I’m not talking about gender reassignment, either. No, that is too complicated, it takes too much time, too much money and it wouldn’t turn out how I would like it to be. I want it to happen just like that *PA snaps fingers*

Apart from the obvious physical modifications, there would need to be more. I would need to be taller. I’m just barely 5′2″ so what woman would want to be with someone that short? Well, perhaps some wouldn’t mind but most might? And yes, definitely more weight gain if I was taller! Let us also dispense with my head maladies? Sure, why not! I could still be a mental case but if we’re going for a full makeover–let’s do it! And of course attractive but that is relative. Nonetheless, I want to be good looking.

Ah, women. No, I wouldn’t want to be a gay man. I would still vehemently lust after women. Plus, the fact that I was a woman previously would mean that I’d be awesome in bed. Oh, I’d be a killer!

And all the best women are straight *laughing* That’s kind of a joke about women and gay men…oh, it’s shame all the best ones are gay and all of that…

Oh well. No chance of PA becoming a man, I suppose. Just keep on monitoring my tummy.

“Le sigh.”

The Tummy Aftermath But Strike Three, PA’s Out!

So, I was a little out of my mind by the end of the day at work yesterday. The pain just kept on and on and on… First order of business when I got out the door: buy Gravol/Dimenhydrinate. I didn’t have any left at home. Not that it would do anything for the pain but it would at least transport me to a place where I didn’t give a fuck–about anything.

I joked somewhere on this blog about “Gravol Addiction” because it’s just sooo lovely. Or at least I think it is. Until it makes me pass out. But what absolute bliss until that point.

I’ve never tried any Opiates like Vicodin, any “Percs” and all of that. I’ve never had them prescribed and I’ve never taken them otherwise or “illicitly.” I wonder what they’d be like compared to my Gravol? Huh. I was also thinking that if you didn’t have a script for them and a drug/benefit plan to pay for them (and a very benevolent doctor to keep prescribing them…) if you wanted to keep using them, a cost comparison?

I bought my generic Dimenhydrinate (same thing as the brand–just read the labels people to save yourself the money on the OTC stuff!) for just over $6CDN. It was for a pack of 30 50mg tablets. I take 100mgs. That’s to knock me out. Would 50mgs just make me kind of dopey and happy? Probably? Still, to go the distance let’s keep it at 100mg. That pack would last me two weeks so for a month, $13CDN say.

Depending upon where you are, use a currency converter, whatever… What’s the market of street drugs like these days? I’ve never known ever, really! Could you get a daily supply of Opiates for a month for $13CDN?

Alright, this is silly talk. My head is a mess.

Second order of business? Straight to the pub! No, not because I was so out of my mind. When I moved out after breaking up with ex-partner, I was drinking more and still in a lot of gastrointestinal pain. I oddly discovered that drinking helped ease the pain. No, it helped stop my tummy from hurting–at least to a degree? I could never figure out why this was. I looked and researched. A muscle relaxant, perhaps but enough to take away any type of spasmodic behaviour that much? You would think with ingesting it–directly into my gut–it would make me feel sicker!

*PA shakes head*

Gee, with all this talk of “Gravol Addiction,” buying Opiates off the street and drinking for my gastric pain should I categorize this under “Self Medication?”

So, go chug some beer, go home and pass out.

I had decided that if I experienced any more break through pain, or if it was as bad again today as it was yesterday, I would actually go to the Emergency Department. Yes. Although my pain threshold is very high, this pain was intense. I have only had to go to the hospital once before when the pain was bad and this was back quite a while ago when I was still with ex-partner. And really, there is/was nothing they could do but my goal was at least something similar as last time to perhaps get me through a day.

When I went before, they gave me some IV Toradol/Ketorolac or Ketorolac Tromethamine. It’s a NSAID. It may have helped but if I went in again, I probably would have asked if they had anything better. No, I’m not a drug seeker, really! They gave me a script for the Toradol orally but it didn’t do a thing! What is this?! A slightly stronger version of Advil/Ibuprophen? They also gave me a shot of IV Gravol. WHEE! Now if you think Gravol via the oral route is good–try it by IV!

However, I’m feeling a bit better today. Not nearly in as much pain! And going to Emergency is a pain! Triage…waiting to get admitted…waiting to get to the exam room…waiting to be seen…repeating everything you told the Triage Nurse but in more detail…waiting to see what they’ll to do you…if there are tests required waiting for the results…

With my lovely “Don’t Know How To Rate Myself On The Pain Scale” issue, I probably would have put myself at an eight yesterday. And this is for someone with a high pain threshold–thus necessitating me even thinking of going to the hospital! Today? Oh, maybe a one? It’s starting to hurt a bit more though now. Maybe it’s because I’m kind hungry so I’m having something to eat. Just some soup. The cafeteria offerings looked wretched and I haven’t been cooking lately (or anything that even remotely resembles that.)

I’m also completely wiped because…

…I now have a cold or some icky virus!

Yep. That’s it. Three strikes and PA is out!

If you haven’t been following along, that would mean over the last three days it has been: migraine, tummy/gastro flare up and now a virus.