Cognitive Distortions and Being Vague on My Blog

On my last post, Brigitte left a comment re: the Cognitive Distortions I was having/feeling and how I was being vague about the details. Let’s see what I can do about this.

As far as being vague on my blog, I responded back that I have done this before, perhaps even purposely. If not purposely, I may have just been rambling (although I didn’t mention this in the comment to her.) As far as doing it in a purposeful manner, I mentioned getting into the five W’s and the H. Now, I don’t always have to do that but I have in the past a fair bit. To do that in some situations, it would lead to revealing far too much. Even though this blog is highly personal, there are some things that will never be revealed on it.

By extension, getting into the five W’s and the H would (or could?) threaten anonymity. This also was not mentioned in the comment but I think it makes sense.

I have found my list of Cognitive Distortions from hospital so we can go through what was going on, if you wish. Interestingly enough, I tend to have a pattern. I tend to feel the same ones. Also, I think we all are well aware of the stress I am under trying to work on getting it together to try and prepare for and gain employment. No doubt that is a huge stressor and stressors like anything else can be a trigger and colour our perception(s.)

I also think logically, it not only colours the perception of the stressor itself but of other things in our lives? Everything is connected in your thought processes. It is not like you can just box everything up in little parcels and stick them away and that is that–no matter how much we wish we could.

In reading some of these verbatim, they could certainly apply to my job situation, no doubt. Others? Well, they could apply to any situation in your life.

NOTE: these are all taken from D. Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook,’ 1999©

And, these are mine, typically; also applicable to last night in varying degrees. There also may have been some “spillover” to the job stress as well, as mentioned above.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.
3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.
4. Jumping to Conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. There are two subcategories to this: Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that somebody is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out. The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.
5. Magnification/Minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other individuals imperfections.) This is also called the “binocular trick.” NOTE: I only apply this to myself, not others.
6. Catastrophizing: You attribute extreme and horrible consequences to the outcome of events. A turn down for a date means a life of utter isolation. Making a mistake at work means being fired for incompetence and never getting another job.
7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
8. “Should” Statements: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” as if you need to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct “should” statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. NOTE: I do not direct these statements toward others.

Now, I managed to tick off eight out of 11 on the list. There was one more that I didn’t add but I do it all the time. I don’t know if it is so much of a Cognitive Distortion all the time or me just being “The Queen of Guilt” and also using a lot of self deprecation on my blog. Perhaps all three. It’s basically seeing a negative event as indicative of a characteristic of yourself or taking responsibility for things that were not your doing. I don’t really do the latter.

Oh, and there is also one about Labeling and Mislabeling where you don’t describe your error but degrade yourself. Or conversely, if someone behaves in a way that you don’t like–you do it to them. Again, I don’t do that. PA doesn’t call people nasty names. She will call herself nasty names when she screws up, though.

So maybe if you want go all the way, there are two more. Nine of 11? God, I sound like a Borg. A Cognitively Distorted Borg. *PA rolls eyes* Resistance is futile to your bloody brain.

In waiting for my sleep meds to hit, beloved Tallis playing and lying in my bed…trying to think… Just what the hell, you know? I did try to slow myself the fuck down–do a wee bit of CBT on myself–and this post is getting long enough so I won’t get into the therapy aspect of it.

So, while passing the time, come, sleep come… I started to cry a bit. I just thought, ‘What are you thinking?’ No, really. With a lot of that stuff up there, it’s based upon the “unknown.” Maybe that is why I chose to use the word “illusion” before, even if it wasn’t quite right? At this point in my life, there are SO many unknowns and I feel like I simply can’t deal with having more! I know that there will always be unknowns, of course! I’m not that daft!

Alright. So, maybe I can wrap this up with a tidy little bow in case anyone else is as confused as Brigitte was. A combination of trying to cope and deal with the anxiety that lies before me with my professional life and as far as the personal? I am looking for stability and support. It has been there in the past and I wish for it to come back. I sure do need it now. Perhaps it all got muddled when I wrote it and it didn’t come out properly?

I Could Say Several Things, Pick the Most Useless

Well.  Busy day.  Sunny, warm.  Very nice.  Went outside and read (!)

Tried to work.

I feel dejected but am trying to suppress those feelings.

I am not feeling as physically sick today (so I could go outside) but I hope I don’t have a “relapse” tomorrow.

Something personal is bothering me but I am trying not to go into “Cognitive Distortion Land” as I have enough on my plate already.  And basically Cognitive Distortions are just fucked up illusions when you’re all psycho-mental, going out of your mind, insecure, stressed out or having a “fill-in-the-blank-attack.”

I don’t want to go there with this situation.

I want to believe and trust that it is okay.  It is alright and secure.  That it “was the way it was.”  And even if it blows sky fucking high, then I can deal with it.  Because it was just like the ones that happened before and even though they blew sky high, somehow I managed.

However.  This is not the time for something in my life to blow sky high on top of everything else.  Hence, not wanting to even tread near lovely “Cognitive Distortion Land.”  It’s like a massive thought process of “Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.”  And try not to let your patience unravel in the process.

So keep busy.  And not go insane in the process.

Huh…maybe that was…post wise…

…kinda not “useless?”

Sometimes, I think my entire blog is “useless.”

Good grief.

I should sleep.  Or eat.  Or watch “useless” television.

But no more reading.  You should be impressed by how much reading that little ADD, PA did.  No, really.

Laters.

So Pooped I’m Seeing Positives? Caution: Possible Insight Ahead

Well, to start off, I may be uber pooped. The regular folks who whoop it up around here might be able to guess why. What happens to PA when she gets totally wiped physically and totally stressed as well? Have you figured it out yet? If not, here’s a hint: 16 Across. A four-letter word, beginning with “S.” Still in the dark? I’m sick.

I woke up in the morning to go to Merlin #1 (and “Fix Me Up” afterward.) No chance. Sore throat, croaky voice, dizzy as all get out…ugh. Messages left. Back to bed. I had an inkling that something was coming on but I just thought I was tired.

Merlin #1 is so lovely. So sympathetic. He called back to book another appt. but the phone was in the kitchen. I woke up and got his message that was so caring. New appt. made. “Fix Me Up” wasn’t mandatory. Just me still trying to push myself. When I go there, I stay basically a full day and then come home and keep working. Hence my posts generally getting thrown onto my blog later. I still have so much to accomplish, therefore an ever growing “To Do” list. Perhaps I do need to take a day off (today) and just rest. It makes me feel shitty for doing so. I feel “lazy.”

Which sounds contrary to my post title. But this is what I wanted to write about yesterday.

A lot of the time, PA could be an acronym for “Pessimistic Asshole.” Oh, and by the way. I realised later that after my completely, reprehensible behaviour in contacting the person in my Passive-Aggressive manner? Oh, the irony. PA could serve as an acronym for Passive-Aggressive too!

So, on the way home on the tram yesterday, it started to rain. As the raindrops ran down the windows, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn’t care who saw. I was listening to a song at the time that I’ll put up after this post. Made me think…

Something tweaked in my brain. A little kernel. Something positive. Something positive?! Okay, what the hell does PA stand for now?! Preposterous Anomaly? Well, that may suit 100% of the time.

Was I so worn out that I was beginning to completely unwind emotionally? Maybe “Fix Me Up” is doing me some good? Hang on, let’s not go too far. I’m still not completely rosy about my future employment situation. I have only been going there for…what, a week or so? And this itty-bitty “revelation,” if you will, was more personal.

“Fix Me Up” is really good, though. Of course they try and motivate you but it’s not some endless Tony Little loop. Good heavens, no! Actually, it’s more like having a whole shebang of therapists at your disposal. I mean, I almost feel like disclosing the fact that I’m a total mental case at times! You can even ramble on about how cruddy you’re feeling to the receptionist!

I know. You’ve been waiting for my wee “kernel.” The thought that came into my head is that I should be more grateful for what I have. It was more than a general flash of insight as a few things came to mind. I’m not going to start making a list here, though.

I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on this blog and that is fine. That is fair. Yes, mental illness can be a “drag.” Life can be a “drag.” My current situation of being unemployed is definitely a “drag!” Oh, hell yeah! “Sing me the blues, Sistah!”

Have I taken some things, some people for granted? Yes, I believe that I have. I think it is a very easy thing to do, really. You get so caught up in life. How can you constantly “count your blessings” when there are so many things that you have to deal with in a non-stop manner? And that is just “daily” life. What about stressors or even worse, when full blown crises hit you?

I don’t want to get all cliche and spout the phraseology of not knowing the importance of things until they are lost etc… That is not what I’m talking about here–not about losing things, people. Sure, that sucks and hurts but I am speaking in a broader sense. Trying to recognise the value that things already possess in the “here and now.” Again, maybe not every hour, minute, second for can we really do that? Well, alright…think of really hardcore, disciplined, Buddhist training. Then, possible?

So, maybe the best place to begin is simply when something good does happen, say a little, quiet, “Thanks…” regarding whatever it was to yourself in your head.

Oh, and since the song won’t stay up on MP3 of the Moment forever, it was “Reap The Wild Wind” by Ultravox.

Puking and Schmoozing Last Friday

So I went to go see Merlin #1 last Friday. I puked my guts out and told him how stressed I was about all of the job “Fix Me Up” stuff and the place itself. Actually, I puked before I left for my appointment. I was outside having some tea and didn’t even get through half of my cuppa.   Then, it all came right up. I puked before I left for my appointment with him the week before as well but that was breakfast that came up. I forgot to tell him then but I mentioned it all last Friday.

I blogged before that I have what I call: Vomit Trauma. Not to toot my own horn, but it has some interesting links that state my little moniker is actually somewhat of a “recognised term.”  The post garnered a few comments and some discussion. You may wish to have a read–or not? Nonetheless, me letting it all go and barfing away is extremely rare. Or it used to be? I have noticed that I am now gagging like hell all the time when I am stressed out. That’s a real blast, as well. But now that I’m actually to the point of letting the gag reflex go and starting to heave up everything regularly when getting worked up over something?

That’s fucked. That’s stress.

As soon as I left and got on public transit, I popped a Valium/Diazepam.  No kidding?

We talked.  What is/was there to do? I told him that I was drinking more than I should as well because of the stress.  Why not admit it? It further elaborates just how messed up I am about everything.  Beyond that, how’s my sleep? Fine, I guess.  Even if it’s fitful and restless, I am getting enough to wake up and be functional enough.  Do I still have a decent supply of Valium.  Yep.

After that, I decided to push myself and go to “Fix Me Up Job Place” and familiarise myself with the surroundings a bit more and do some work there.  On the first day not knowing what to expect, I wore a business suit.  After last Friday (I wore another one) I will now definitely keep wearing them! Get ready for this!

So, sane face on, I met a few more people and wanted to personally thank one facilitator whose book I received.  I located him, shook his hand and did so.  We had a chat about how I was finding things there, my impressions and such.  Of course I said it was great, fantastic, I was loving it…all of that.  He asked how long I would be there that afternoon and mentioned they were having someone in for a meeting (someone from a corporation I later surmised.)  He jokingly asked if I would mind coming to meet the person, introduce myself and say how much I was enjoying things and my thoughts! I told him, sure.  That wouldn’t be a problem.

He was rather taken aback for a moment.  He asked if it wouldn’t be putting me on the spot.  I told him that no, it wouldn’t be at all! I am comfortable with public speaking (as long as I am familiar with the material) and certainly meeting someone and offering my opinions and/or experiences is fine.

I saw the first woman I met there and mentioned to her that I believed I was going to meet the person coming in for the session.  She just sort of looked at me strangely.

A short time later, the facilitator came by, gave me a little wave and off we all went.  There were several people from “Fix Me Up” present and I kind of got the picture that this was…something…as a few people were rushing around quite a bit before I got my little wave.

So off I go, I was introduced, everyone’s grinning, I chatted a bit and then they went off to their meeting.  I went off to finish what I was doing.  At that point, I decided to proceed further, try to start selling myself to “Fix Me Up.”  I offered myself to them if they were hiring, I spoke to another man there about a little of my past experience and he promptly asked me for my resume for future prospects.  After the meeting was over, everyone was bouncing around eating chocolates so they’re giving me some too…  I was thanked so much for what I did…

*sigh*

I’m going in for most of this week.  I feel bad as I have neglected some work that I wanted to do regarding all of my job searching business that I should have done this weekend.  However, I shall try to kick it into (a) high(er) gear tomorrow? I’m just feeling somewhat mental, still overwhelmed and scared shitless and definitely having a hard time getting my shit together (come on, PA!)

Perhaps having that experience last Friday may help with the anxiety over it as well but I am feeling uneasy (again) about going in tomorrow.  Maybe it’s because of “sexy, possibly want to sleep with me, possible job offer woman” I met over the weekend.  I should just put that one out of my mind? Although it really is just so out there and off the wall.  And also with them living on my street? Shall I bump into them? That is a definite possibility.

We Now Return You to Your Regular Programming of Lower Level of Insanity

Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.

For Darkentries Who Thinks I Am Going Insane

Alright, then. Let’s clear up the metaphors and let me get some (I won’t get into all of the stuff that comes out of your ass anymore) out of my system. ‘Nuff said there and about bodily functions in that area in my comment sections/preceding posts?

So yesterday, I went to the job “fix me up, dust me off” sort of place that I stumbled upon. Indeed, it was truly exhausting. A couple of reasons? Now how’s this for a nice start to it all? I was anxious as all hell, not only because of my current situation, so I got very little sleep the night before. Another reason? I went to set my alarm clock and bloody hell? I discovered it was broken! OMG! OMG! OMG! My only recourse was to rely upon my mobile. I set the alarm and then realised that it only had one little battery cell left. OMG! OMG! OMG! I mean, it was time for me to go to bed! I didn’t have time to even attempt to charge it because I didn’t even have any alarm to get me up to make sure it had enough charge to make sure the alarm on it would go off!!!

Fucking Keystone Cops with my clocks or what???

I called ex-partner. She could give me a wake up call before leaving for work, right? Definitely a good idea. I couldn’t reach her so I just left a message. (Aside: she sent me a text the next day and I found out that she is now on vacation and out of the country anyway! Granted she could have called me from her mobile but obviously she didn’t get the message on her home phone until later.)

So, I finally get to sleep but I keep waking up and looking at the time on my bed side clock (at least THAT was still working on the damn thing) and picking up my mobile, almost cradling it like it was my newborn child! Good grief. Well, my mobile’s little alarm clock went off and I was fine.

Okay. Get up, shower, do my hair *rolls eyes* and select appropriate business suit. Check time. Enough for public transit and to not be late? Being Ms. ADD girl, sometimes an issue? And all AD(H)D’ers know this.  Time escapes us so lateness can certainly be a problem…? No worries.  I made it in fine time.  Maybe my Biphentin has been doing me some good in this area?

The day was long.  And with it being my first day, I knew not what to expect! Granted, with getting up so early and dressed all fancy, it almost felt like I was going to work.  That’s kind of a good thing? Still, it just seemed all weird and not knowing anything about anything there; it was a lot to take in.

The woman I dealt with was very nice and even though I agreed to come back in today, she understood that everything was overwhelming, tough to lose a job and all of that (I think we’ve covered that enough, right?) So, she said that if I felt that I couldn’t, it was fine.  Okay.  I called and left a message last night to be courteous and professional, of course.  Still, I felt like a failure and…oh, here we go…a piece of shit.

Now, there was something else that kind of added to it.  I said I wasn’t going to blog anymore about my former workplace and have I blogged about my job here? Really? Why the hell would I? For one, this blog is anonymous and secondly…my job? BORING! I suppose a third reason is that even though I write about my personal life at times, the primary focus is about stuff going on in my/your/peoples’ head(s.)

Anyway, I checked my personal email address and there was a note from my former company about a work function.  Huh? I mean, it really knocked me for six!

I immediately emailed my former boss and asked, “What’s this all about?” To make a “short story long,” it was explained that I was still invited even though I no longer worked there.  Again…no point in getting into my former or even current work life in the future…BORING!

I had a good email chat with my former boss and it was known by my former boss that I never got a chance to say goodbye to a lot of people so I asked…should I go? My former boss thought it might be a good idea as I would probably see some people and get a chance to talk to them.  Beyond that, I also had a lovely talk with my former boss and it…it just made me feel like I was “at home” again.  Not that the contact was bad in any way.  No, it was great! It was all just…well, again…a little shocking.

So basically, because of my exhausting day, the thoughts of my former workplace and such…I just didn’t know if I could handle going in to the “fix me up” place today.  God, I can only hope I don’t break down in tears at any given moment while I am there! No, must maintain a professional demeanor at all times!

I feel so pathetic.  I suppose this business is all understandable and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  I am seeing Merlin #1 on Friday so talking to him about things will perhaps help? I just feel completely all spun around.  I feel like, again, some coping skills are going down the toilet.

I’ve got to get my shit together.  I’ve got to find a fucking job! Perhaps I should just keep forcing myself to keep going to “fix me up” place.  Use that as my routine, the stability that I’ve always needed.

Today, though? What the fuck has happened? I’m just a complete wreck.  And I just popped a goddamn Valium/Diazepam to maybe settle me? My moods are all well, not good, my stomach is hurting, I’m completely discombobulated in my thinking processes.  I mean, how long has it even taken me to put together this post (barring a couple of tea breaks–and I want another right now as I’m still not done proofing this.)

I’m just sitting here not being able to stand myself right now! I want so much to kick my brain into action, maybe not high gear just yet but I can’t.  Something feels broken but not the entire thing.  No.  All of my money is on the Amygdala in my Limbic System (oddly enough neuro thought I had problems there anyway…) as I’m all flipped out and scared and freaking.  Also, absolutely my Frontal Lobes because I can’t think straight at all.

Not Going To Hospital Today…

…continuing on with the metaphor, no, staying at home today.  I feel very tired and overwhelmed.   Also I got some…well…correspondences that made me feel kind of…

…well, they caused flares. They exacerbated the injuries. As such, I feel I need to stay home, yes. Even if it makes me feel sicker…in a different way? In the same way?

It is not really a problem administratively, for I left a voicemail. It’s more the fact that…

…I need to go to hospital. If I don’t, I won’t heal. Even if I do go to hospital…even still, I may not heal.

PA tired…should not talk anymore.

Back To Work! No, Not Really…

So, I found a…well, let’s call it a sort of “Professional Hospital.” They scan you, look for broken bones, internal injuries…they do psychological testing, I think as well? Maybe just about everything any hospital would do? They even seem to have an Emergency/A&E department of sorts?

They have a relatively decent Surgical Department as far as I can tell? I just went inpatient today, actually. However after my assessment, I will only be going to hospital on an outpatient basis. I am quite knackered.

Of course! Why else would one go to hospital? You only go to any hospital when you are sick!

I think I will be outpatient for a while. Longer than any time I have been in hospital. We all know that going to hospital either inpatient or outpatient sucks rocks but when we need to go, we need to go.

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night as I knew I had to go to hospital today. I spent a lot of time there. I am going back to hospital tomorrow and then I suppose my assessments will continue. I will be constantly monitored. I guess that is a good thing? There is some home care available to me as well, I believe. Yes…perhaps?

*sigh*

Sorry, What Was That? Huh? Okay, That Last YouTube and the “Woman” Post I Was on the Fence About

Sorry for the title of that last post, everyone. A bit cryptic about the lyrics of the song? It probably doesn’t even make sense.

Isn’t a bitch when life turns around and bites you in the ass? Well, not really turns around and bites your ass but maybe nips at your heels a bit?

So I just put up that song because I’ve been thinking to myself a little of some “reminiscences.” As such, I have come to the Grand Conclusion that:

“Women: can’t live with ‘em; can’t live without ‘em.”

Maybe Bill would agree with his song?

This might sound a bit of an odd statement for PA to make as she is, in fact, a woman but for at least the first portion…well, believe me, there are many a day when I can not live with myself!

So the first portion of this post title? It’s kind of like the majority of all of my relationships with women–sort of a “Who’s on First, What’s on Second…?” deal. Bill’s lyrics? Leave the young thing alone? That could/would/should be me? Except not so “young” anymore? “You, know, you know….leave it alone PA!” You’re fucking older and wiser!

Sure.

Shall I dare continue? This is leading me in the direction of a post that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. I don’t know about any other bloggers out there but when PA gets tired (and she is very tired today) her blogging becomes more open and vulnerable. She may toss up some things that she may not normally write about?

Alright. However, bear in mind that I am tired so this may not be written as well as it could have been at another time.

There are two types of women that PA is attracted to. And also, traits and characteristics are not mutually exclusive here.

The first is the type of woman that seems to possess many accomplishments that PA wishes she had achieved. All of the types of things that PA felt that she might have been able to do with her life? Things that she may have been capable of? Also, this type of woman can usually do things that PA can not do. They usually possess some kind of talent. PA has no special talent or ability in any field. PA does not wish to say that she places this type of woman on a pedestal like an idol but…well, PA can be prone to extremes.

Still, this type of woman almost seems to be so…powerful in the way they “have it all together!” Maybe in the way that they “have it all?” We all know not to judge a book by its cover, the grass is always greener, all of that stuff but these women are just so not like PA. They are usually ultra-professionals, they can juggle a million balls in the air at the same time, they are brilliant and successful. These women are also (generally) not mentally ill.

Then there are the crazies. Now, the nutcases can also be professional, successful, brilliant, talented…all of that. We know that mental illness does not discriminate. However, with the loonies, PA becomes the rescuer. She wants to save them and help them so much!

Now, with the first type of woman, is PA looking to be “rescued?” Bloody hell, get me away from Freud! Or maybe it’s just my childhood (that I had to take care of my mommy so there was no mommy for me?) Dammit! That’s early Freud with repressed thoughts and feelings!!! Nail banged squarely on PAs head re: both types of women???

A scary thought for any women out there wishing to date PA, perhaps.

So, back to the head case women, like PA. There’s an automatic bond there. A mutual understanding right from the get go. That can be very significant. It can also be and/or become really fucked. Because when you get two lunatics together in a relationship, it can turn into a veritable powder keg of emotional psychosis. Trust me. Been there, done that…self harmed over it.

Gabriel… over at …salted lithium wrote a post about Relationships: Crazy+Crazy=Insanity=Relationship Death(?) (my wording.)  This was a while back but I can’t remember the exact post, where and when it was written so here’s a link to the site in general.

It was a discussion of sorts as to whether it was possible that these relationships would work. Could they survive? My comment was that, again, from past experience rather difficult? Maybe they would not survive? However, I would not rule out the chance if I really fell for a woman who was mentally ill.

My post is more personal, however.

Oh, and before I proceed, physical attractiveness is an imperative for both of these types of women. Sorry, that may sound shallow but let’s be truthful here.

So based upon the two types of women that intoxicate (toxicate?) me so much, I often question whether or not I will have a successful relationship or a partner ever again in my life. I feel on the one hand, with the uber-successful, “Wonder Woman” type, I will not measure up. They will be looking for a woman of the same calibre. With another crazy (who may be similarly uber-successful) it may be the same thing.  She may be looking for another “Wonder Woman” but even if she did want to be with me, would it turn into “Mentalness Circus Maximus?” And I’m not simply speaking of the chariot racing done in ancient Rome!

The only relationships that I’ve ever had that have lasted for any recognisable duration have been with the…I don’t know…”in-betweeners?” They haven’t really been mental, they haven’t been uber-successful, they haven’t had any special abilities or talents…I haven’t been physically attracted to them. The only one good thing is that at least they put up with me being a total nutbar and that does take a special person. When someone is prone to Bipolar flip outs and roller coaster rides, ADD spasticness, self harm, self medication…gee, what the hell else am I capable of? I guess my seizures and migraines aren’t such a big deal. They are pretty much under control anyway and don’t make me go off the deep end. Okay, lately there’s been a bit of bizarre increase in moodiness with my migraines but that is neither here, nor there. I am not involved with anyone at the moment, right?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. No, really. I have. It’s been an ongoing pattern in my life–such strong attractions to women that are either terribly unattainable or terribly not good for me and cause me so much strife and pain. The former women leave me heartbroken and the latter women just end up being very unhealthy for me.  Well, in the end they both cause me pain? But still…both are so potent and I can’t help it. I can’t just say, “No! Don’t be attracted!”

I understand we can’t help being attracted to whomever that may just saunter past. Those that may cross our paths, enter our lives but shit, you know? Again, you would think I would have learned something from all of this! Some way to hold back? Some way to put on the brakes and indeed, say, “No!”

The only thing I can say, ‘no’ to is the fact that I can’t say, “No!”

Merlin #1 Tomorrow

I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?

I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.

I am still hesitant.

I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!

The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.

However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.

But the other cuttings? *sigh*

The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?

And I know, I know…

I hear you all: “PA STOP DRINKING! STOP DRINKING!”

Yes. I know.

I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.

Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!

As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?

Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.

Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!

Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.

But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.

As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?

And I still hear you…

I told you CheddER come and get me…