A Man Attracted to Me Sexually…Again…

It’s been a long time since this has happened. Years, in fact. I’ve known this man for a brief period and we have established a friendship–a good one. Hmmm…

This is a bit dicey. Actually, what I am going to say next; this may be a bit dicey too?

Women are (or can be) very emotional. Men? Well, sure. They can be too but in my experience in terms of “sex” and sexual attraction and relationships? Not the same. I don’t like to make generalisations but…?

Sorry. This may sound terrible but women are so much more emotional than men. However, as a caveat, I will admit that I am extremely more emotional when it comes to sexual or romantic relationships (as a woman?)

So I went out to dinner with my friend. Whom I am apparently his object of attraction. This was not “news.” There is a “history,” if you will. He is…well, a bit of a “high performer.” I won’t say “Type A.” Do you know where I am going?

Maybe not.

Basically, he needs a good spanking…

PA can do that. We both know that. Not that BDSM involves sex. No. However, he’s really…oh…fuck. Yes, “fuck.” Yes, he’d really like to “go the distance.” But he knows that PA is gay and she’d never sleep with him.

I’m no stranger to the BDSM “Scene.” Many reasons for that…long story…but ultimately I fell into it by accident. Nonetheless, I was an observer at the clubs but it is still a part of me. Yes, oooh…aaah…PA has a penchant for BDSM! Shall we all fall over and die???

I am really a submissive. That is when (gee, I wish?) I am with a woman but I can and also be a “switch.” Also with a woman. I will Dominate her. That thrills me as well.

With a man? It can depend upon certain factors and again…everything always needs to be negotiated. The Cardinal Rules are: Safe, Sane and Consensual.

However, I’ve always found men are so easy…

Example. To start? This might work.

“Get down on your knees you pathetic piece of shit!”

Oh, boy!

BOY.

Why can’t I find a girl to play with me like this?

Saying Goodbye and Simultaneously Networking

I was extended an invitation to a function held by my ex-employer today.  I know, it sounds strange but the details are of minimal importance, if of any at all.  I didn’t know if I should go.  I finally decided that it would be first, a good opportunity to say goodbye to some folks that might be there (that I never got around to doing) and second, a chance to: “Network.”  I am beginning to loathe that word.  Still, the people there know me so even if I sounded like a blithering idiot (not an uncommon experience) it would probably be alright?

Confession? When I woke up this morning, I cried.  Who would I see? All the lovely and beautiful people that I met over my years there.  I was right fucked.  I had a feeling I would cry.  I mean, all of the “Networking” was going to bad enough but…the people that I had so much fun with, I had grown to love.  It sounds funny.  Do you love the people you work with? Well, maybe on some level you do.

Guess what? It was a two-Valium/Diazepam day.  No doubt.

I made it though.  It wasn’t a long function.  And the room cleared fairly quickly.  PA worked the room as quickly as she could.  There was alcohol (and non-alcoholic beverages) but she needed her hands free to shake others’ hands and reach for her cards.  And yes, arms free too for lots of huggies and kissies for wee, PA.

I told you.  The place was and is great.  Now you may understand my tears from this morning? If I may say so, PA was pretty well respected.  In fact, another peer (a lovely, lovely woman–who volunteered to toss contacts her way whenever she could!) asked her/suggested…rather emotional day? I admitted that, yes, I did cry in the morning.

So, who knows? I mean, one guy–after it all went down and I told him–he’s my age, a manager, offered to be a personal reference! Right off the bat.  PA gobsmacked.  I gave him my card tonight when I saw him again.  Another guy I saw tonight said he’s going on vacation but when he gets back, we’ll go for lunch and speak further.

The woman who I told that I cried? She is very well connected.  Auto-Network-Connect.  I didn’t even have to ask.  Ditto another “Super Woman” in the Marketing Department.

Some? Fuck, me.  Again, they know me but did I stretch too far? I have legitimate relationships with “the Big Guns” so I went after them too.  Good grief.  Well, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I’ve lost it all already, right?

Have Your Cuttings and/or Scars Ever Bothered You “Physically?”

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?

More Blogging Scoopery

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

WTF?

I am not this important.

Why I Screamed In a Recent Comment and Why Am I Crying At the Drop of a Hat?

I’m going to do this a little backwards and write a post before I get to my outstanding comments. I always respond to my comments first.

I wrote in a comment last night: “Stay tuned for my next post after this that had me BAWLING MY FUCKING EYES OUT TONIGHT!”

Erm…yes. I actually had to sign off, leave the rest of the comments that came flooding in re: other posts and just say, “ENOUGH!” Yes, more block caps. I’ll get to you Gabriel… on that one per your comment! It’s not really about me shouting in the comment or me crying, by the way.

However, yesterday that is what I woke up to, ironically. Since I have been laid off, I have obviously been spending more time at home. The upstairs tenant used to run her own business from home and she has been gone every day, all day. Another job elsewhere? I have not seen her so I have not asked.

Well, yesterday. OMG, what a thing to wake up to! There was all of this screaming and crying! In my bleary-eyed and foggy state, I had no idea what was going on. As I became more clear, I realised she was on the telephone. I heard nothing else but her voice and her “fairy elephant” feet (a nod to fishwithoutbicycle for that one.) It’s a term from England where you think someone who would be light on their feet are certainly not! It gave me a real laugh when I heard that one.

Anyway, the yelling, the screaming, the crying continued all day. I was so worried for her. Of course, not wanting to eavesdrop–but I couldn’t help picking up on some of it–it was so loud and right above me! It seemed to be a problem with her partner or boyfriend? I’ve never met him and didn’t even know if she had one.

Then things started to get really interesting. Or potentially frightening? Some guy showed up. The front porch is right behind my bedroom window. I tried not to make it obvious but I peeked out from behind my blinds a bit. There was another woman with my upstairs tenant (for safety, support?) This guy was freaking out! My upstairs tenant seemed a bit more calm but then later in the evening, more loud, screamy, tearful phone calls.

I had to go out later. Damn, when does the store close? I need milk!

When I got home, we crossed paths. Oh, awkward. I basically said that I knew it was none of my business but was she alright? She said she was and apologised for the “yelling and screaming.” I said to her that, no, that wasn’t a problem, nor the issue. It was her. Again, was she alright! I offered up myself to her to talk anytime or if she needed anything. She thanked me and then walked away.

It was at that point, I just fell apart. I started, yes, bawling my eyes out like a little baby. Really, these days…what isn’t making PA bawl her eyes out? I am tearing up even as I write this post.

I have mentioned this before and it may be hard to grasp but when I speak (have spoken) to at least professionals, they have never batted an eyelash. When I was a child, I was so incredibly sensitive, I was basically “empathic.” I know, it makes me sound like I am making myself out to be Deanna Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. But it’s true. I could just “sense” peoples’ feelings–mostly negative. Well, gee, pretty much all negative?!

I have a clear memory of sitting on a public transit bus in my home town across from a woman who was overweight. I could just feel how unhappy she was, even though there were no blatant “signals.” She wasn’t crying or she didn’t have any “sad” look on her face. Immediately afterward, some kids started teasing her about her weight. I was shocked by this.

I could feel it with children, as well. It was this “visceral thing.” I know, I know…this all sounds so out of this world, unbelievably ridiculous, “PA thinks she’s psychic or has ESP!”

As a result of this (and many other things), I used to cry so much. I was nicknamed, “Cry Baby” by everyone. When I grew into adulthood, I repressed those “feelings.” I repressed my tears. I simply somehow shut it all off and began to live in my head more and more. That is not to say that I do not feel at all! That is not to say that I can not be sympathetic or even still, empathetic to someone’s situation if I realise that I have “been there too.”

I don’t necessarily believe or even know that these types of feelings are coming back. What I do know is that I am beginning to cry so damn easily as I did when a child. I am starting to feel pain from damn near everywhere like I am a completely exposed nerve.

Cognitive Distortions and Being Vague on My Blog

On my last post, Brigitte left a comment re: the Cognitive Distortions I was having/feeling and how I was being vague about the details. Let’s see what I can do about this.

As far as being vague on my blog, I responded back that I have done this before, perhaps even purposely. If not purposely, I may have just been rambling (although I didn’t mention this in the comment to her.) As far as doing it in a purposeful manner, I mentioned getting into the five W’s and the H. Now, I don’t always have to do that but I have in the past a fair bit. To do that in some situations, it would lead to revealing far too much. Even though this blog is highly personal, there are some things that will never be revealed on it.

By extension, getting into the five W’s and the H would (or could?) threaten anonymity. This also was not mentioned in the comment but I think it makes sense.

I have found my list of Cognitive Distortions from hospital so we can go through what was going on, if you wish. Interestingly enough, I tend to have a pattern. I tend to feel the same ones. Also, I think we all are well aware of the stress I am under trying to work on getting it together to try and prepare for and gain employment. No doubt that is a huge stressor and stressors like anything else can be a trigger and colour our perception(s.)

I also think logically, it not only colours the perception of the stressor itself but of other things in our lives? Everything is connected in your thought processes. It is not like you can just box everything up in little parcels and stick them away and that is that–no matter how much we wish we could.

In reading some of these verbatim, they could certainly apply to my job situation, no doubt. Others? Well, they could apply to any situation in your life.

NOTE: these are all taken from D. Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook,’ 1999©

And, these are mine, typically; also applicable to last night in varying degrees. There also may have been some “spillover” to the job stress as well, as mentioned above.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.
3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.
4. Jumping to Conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. There are two subcategories to this: Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that somebody is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out. The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.
5. Magnification/Minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other individuals imperfections.) This is also called the “binocular trick.” NOTE: I only apply this to myself, not others.
6. Catastrophizing: You attribute extreme and horrible consequences to the outcome of events. A turn down for a date means a life of utter isolation. Making a mistake at work means being fired for incompetence and never getting another job.
7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
8. “Should” Statements: You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” as if you need to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct “should” statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. NOTE: I do not direct these statements toward others.

Now, I managed to tick off eight out of 11 on the list. There was one more that I didn’t add but I do it all the time. I don’t know if it is so much of a Cognitive Distortion all the time or me just being “The Queen of Guilt” and also using a lot of self deprecation on my blog. Perhaps all three. It’s basically seeing a negative event as indicative of a characteristic of yourself or taking responsibility for things that were not your doing. I don’t really do the latter.

Oh, and there is also one about Labeling and Mislabeling where you don’t describe your error but degrade yourself. Or conversely, if someone behaves in a way that you don’t like–you do it to them. Again, I don’t do that. PA doesn’t call people nasty names. She will call herself nasty names when she screws up, though.

So maybe if you want go all the way, there are two more. Nine of 11? God, I sound like a Borg. A Cognitively Distorted Borg. *PA rolls eyes* Resistance is futile to your bloody brain.

In waiting for my sleep meds to hit, beloved Tallis playing and lying in my bed…trying to think… Just what the hell, you know? I did try to slow myself the fuck down–do a wee bit of CBT on myself–and this post is getting long enough so I won’t get into the therapy aspect of it.

So, while passing the time, come, sleep come… I started to cry a bit. I just thought, ‘What are you thinking?’ No, really. With a lot of that stuff up there, it’s based upon the “unknown.” Maybe that is why I chose to use the word “illusion” before, even if it wasn’t quite right? At this point in my life, there are SO many unknowns and I feel like I simply can’t deal with having more! I know that there will always be unknowns, of course! I’m not that daft!

Alright. So, maybe I can wrap this up with a tidy little bow in case anyone else is as confused as Brigitte was. A combination of trying to cope and deal with the anxiety that lies before me with my professional life and as far as the personal? I am looking for stability and support. It has been there in the past and I wish for it to come back. I sure do need it now. Perhaps it all got muddled when I wrote it and it didn’t come out properly?

So Pooped I’m Seeing Positives? Caution: Possible Insight Ahead

Well, to start off, I may be uber pooped. The regular folks who whoop it up around here might be able to guess why. What happens to PA when she gets totally wiped physically and totally stressed as well? Have you figured it out yet? If not, here’s a hint: 16 Across. A four-letter word, beginning with “S.” Still in the dark? I’m sick.

I woke up in the morning to go to Merlin #1 (and “Fix Me Up” afterward.) No chance. Sore throat, croaky voice, dizzy as all get out…ugh. Messages left. Back to bed. I had an inkling that something was coming on but I just thought I was tired.

Merlin #1 is so lovely. So sympathetic. He called back to book another appt. but the phone was in the kitchen. I woke up and got his message that was so caring. New appt. made. “Fix Me Up” wasn’t mandatory. Just me still trying to push myself. When I go there, I stay basically a full day and then come home and keep working. Hence my posts generally getting thrown onto my blog later. I still have so much to accomplish, therefore an ever growing “To Do” list. Perhaps I do need to take a day off (today) and just rest. It makes me feel shitty for doing so. I feel “lazy.”

Which sounds contrary to my post title. But this is what I wanted to write about yesterday.

A lot of the time, PA could be an acronym for “Pessimistic Asshole.” Oh, and by the way. I realised later that after my completely, reprehensible behaviour in contacting the person in my Passive-Aggressive manner? Oh, the irony. PA could serve as an acronym for Passive-Aggressive too!

So, on the way home on the tram yesterday, it started to rain. As the raindrops ran down the windows, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn’t care who saw. I was listening to a song at the time that I’ll put up after this post. Made me think…

Something tweaked in my brain. A little kernel. Something positive. Something positive?! Okay, what the hell does PA stand for now?! Preposterous Anomaly? Well, that may suit 100% of the time.

Was I so worn out that I was beginning to completely unwind emotionally? Maybe “Fix Me Up” is doing me some good? Hang on, let’s not go too far. I’m still not completely rosy about my future employment situation. I have only been going there for…what, a week or so? And this itty-bitty “revelation,” if you will, was more personal.

“Fix Me Up” is really good, though. Of course they try and motivate you but it’s not some endless Tony Little loop. Good heavens, no! Actually, it’s more like having a whole shebang of therapists at your disposal. I mean, I almost feel like disclosing the fact that I’m a total mental case at times! You can even ramble on about how cruddy you’re feeling to the receptionist!

I know. You’ve been waiting for my wee “kernel.” The thought that came into my head is that I should be more grateful for what I have. It was more than a general flash of insight as a few things came to mind. I’m not going to start making a list here, though.

I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on this blog and that is fine. That is fair. Yes, mental illness can be a “drag.” Life can be a “drag.” My current situation of being unemployed is definitely a “drag!” Oh, hell yeah! “Sing me the blues, Sistah!”

Have I taken some things, some people for granted? Yes, I believe that I have. I think it is a very easy thing to do, really. You get so caught up in life. How can you constantly “count your blessings” when there are so many things that you have to deal with in a non-stop manner? And that is just “daily” life. What about stressors or even worse, when full blown crises hit you?

I don’t want to get all cliche and spout the phraseology of not knowing the importance of things until they are lost etc… That is not what I’m talking about here–not about losing things, people. Sure, that sucks and hurts but I am speaking in a broader sense. Trying to recognise the value that things already possess in the “here and now.” Again, maybe not every hour, minute, second for can we really do that? Well, alright…think of really hardcore, disciplined, Buddhist training. Then, possible?

So, maybe the best place to begin is simply when something good does happen, say a little, quiet, “Thanks…” regarding whatever it was to yourself in your head.

Oh, and since the song won’t stay up on MP3 of the Moment forever, it was “Reap The Wild Wind” by Ultravox.

Networking and More?

LATER EDIT: It was so late when I got home so I just tossed this up but it definitely gets a bit more graphic in the comment section! So, warning! Try not to get too scared if you read further! Profanity and sex talk!

This is taking away from what I wanted to write about regarding what happened on Friday. I can’t help it. This is just too much. I don’t know if this falls under the “Only In The Life of PA Files” or not.

So, in my job trials and tribulations (and this probably isn’t news to anyone in the professional world) things have changed. It is all about “Networking.” Well, how about “Networking” with…an…ahem…attractive…ahem…drunken…executive…?

Oh, dear.

Well, to begin, PA was not drunk (but she sure ended up at the end of the night–she bloody well needed to be!)

It all started innocently enough, as they say. Talking with a woman…she was there with her husband. Fine. She says I am beautiful. Sure. I’m wearing a ball cap, jeans etc… You get the picture. She was very attractive. I told her the same.

We were both rather insecure about the compliments but she seemed more mental about it than I was. Perhaps because of the alcohol? I later found out from her husband that she is, quote: “All over the place.” Hmmm…mental case?

Regardless. We somehow ended up talking about work and how I was made redundant, what she does and her company and how she was looking for someone and what I did/can do etc… She said she would interview me immediately even though I said I was still trying to put a decent resume together after being out of the job market for so many years. She said she didn’t care after hearing about what I could do.

I even went a step further that may not be “acceptable” and asked about salary and benefits. Wow. Okay. Pretty good.

So I grabbed some paper (we were in a bar for fucking sake) and gave her all of my contact information. Thankfully, since she was rather wrecked, it ended up in her husband’s pocket. He was definitely sober and we talked about it. He said he would talk to her about it later and…? Well, I guess I shall wait for a call? I said to him that there was no rush as I had some things coming up with my job training/sessions so I would be busy, however, I was definitely interested.

There was a bit of a concern on my part about the commute, though. He said she works from this hour to this hour…what if you want to share a ride with her? Oh…did I forget to mention that they live a block or so away from me? Yes…we live on the same street!

Oh…and she also deals with a client that we both know from my…sorta, kinda…ex-employer…

Small world.

Now, this is where things get fucked. To keep it brief, I’m gay, some sex talk, I kissed a potential employer?

Again, only in the world of PA?

EDIT: Oh, the talk… *rolls eyes* I kept trying to tone it down and saying well, we’ll talk about that AFTER the interview and should I get hired…?

Some Interesting Linkage and Emailage of Late

I’ve always said it never ceases to amaze me where I show up on peoples’ blogrolls. Most of the time, I just find out by accident. Occasionally, someone may leave a comment on my blog to let me know. Less so the case, they may email me and let me know. Even less so the case, I may find out from a referral via my stats.

I am always very flattered when someone blogrolls me. I never say no! I find it most flattering that anyone reads me! 99.9% of the time, I feel this blog is tripe anyway.

I suppose I shall start with this one. I found it via my referrals. And by the way, I always try to swing by my referrals and commenters if they have a blog; take a look to see what they have to say, what they are all about. But these days especially (and even since starting Blog365) I am left with little time. That does not mean that any non-reciprocity is intended. Even with regular folks I know! Also, blogrolls can be…well, personal things. Some people blogroll everyone they can find, know etc… some are more particular. I still haven’t figured out how I decide whom to blogroll. Good grief, my blog itself is still a bloody mystery to me and I am it’s damn author!

So, this place somehow found me: it’s an AD(H)D site called ADDitude. Okay. They have a lot of blogs. And well…erm…a lot of stuff? They did not email me. It is run my a couple of folks with Degrees and some other people as well.

This place found me too and I have to admit, it was a bit of a shocker. It’s…”larger?” It’s run by a lot of M.D.’s, Therapists etc… It is mentalhelp.net.

I had to do some legal checking as in their “License” Section within their Terms of Use Policy they had some information about Third Party Content that I wanted to confirm. The first site’s Terms of Use Policy was fine. The reason for both is they do make a profit from things on their sites. However, the latter’s policy stated things in a more detailed way (and amongst other things than profit) should it affect my blog–not good.

I had expected that my blog as Third Party Content would not fall under these terms as it was an external link. I was correct.

However, the latter is, again, a lot larger and has fewer blogs. I am under the ADHD section and the Bipolar section. They also mentioned I had mature language and may not be suitable for some readers. That made me giggle a little but well, it is true. That also told me that they may have done a fair bit of checking and reading of my blog? Or perhaps not. I am trying to think of how much I use profanity. Maybe a lot? *laughing*

Since the latter emailed me, it was more formal and also because it was larger, it may indeed act more as a Corporation. I do not know. They did suggest a reciprocal link but it was up to my choosing. Indeed, this is proper protocol.

Now, I don’t link to any sort of “Self Help,” “Support” or Resource blogs/sites in my blogroll, whether they are run by a group of people who share something in common who are all there to mutually hash it out or ones run by professionals. There are too many out there. I do not feel that I am qualified to make a suitable critique or even “judgment” as to whether they will help people or not. We are all different and I think people should be able to seek out sites of this nature that will help them on their own. And certainly with the more “professionally” run sites, not being a professional I feel even less qualified to review the content. This is just my perspective on the matter.

Nonetheless, I suppose I have given some reciprocity here within my post, simply because it is relevant to the content of my post. And, indeed, I am flattered or should be due to the size of these sites? I will say I was certainly given lots of flattery from mentalhelp.net in the email they sent to me! Not to mention they were very prompt in answering my questions about the legal issues.

Also, these are not “Sploggers” which seem to be increasing in my world as well. If you are not familiar with the term, they are these bizarre “poachers” that pick up on your posts and link to them for no apparent reason–well, perhaps profit but I will get to that. Many times your post isn’t even relevant to anything else on their blog! There is no information about who runs it and if anything, they may try and pick up revenue by Google Ads but that is a very difficult thing to do. You get peanuts for your click-throughs unless you are a massive site with lots of traffic.

Fuck me. My Sploggers now are not even referring to me as “PA” or “Patient Anonymous” anymore! I’m getting called some name that may not even be a word or “Penis,” “Dick Head…” something like that so perhaps the Sploggers are becoming more sneaky in trying to obtain more “peanuts” for people searching dirty words. Which really makes no sense because if you were to Google something like “Penis” or Dick Head,” you’d get 1,000,000,000 results!

There is a way of reporting them although no one seems to care. Perhaps I should start “signing the petition” as well now?

So, continuing on with people finding me such as these larger sites and also, a woman who wrote a book that was praised by celebrities and wants me to review her blog also! Not that I am tooting my own horn, believe me. I am just saying that this is freaky. Let’s move on to the emails.

When I started this blog, I received a request from some stranger to write about a genetic link re: the Autistic Spectrum. Well, I read the material and again, I am not qualified to take a stance on this! Not to mention, nothing has been proven; this was a hypothesis based upon research but still…I simply tossed up the link and said: “Discuss.” I have my own feelings on the matter but I certainly wasn’t going to say “yay” or “nay” on what was given to me.

Not long ago, I received an email from a Book Publisher wanting me to…well, not so much “review” a book but look at as much information as I could and basically “promote” it on my blog. Erm…okay. Now how did this person find me? I was curious and asked another popular blogger if they received the same email. Nope. I wondered if it was some kind of, “find every mental case blogger and send it out!” situation. I have no clue. I still have the email. I am really not in the business of promoting things on my blog. I don’t “endorse” things. Who am I to judge?! However, I researched and it was all legitimate. I am rather afraid to do it. If I do, it may very well open the floodgates, don’t you think?

Now, what I received last night just about made me fall over in a paroxysm of sheer hilarity and uncontrollable laughter. I received an email about how wonderfully I write, my blog is great etc…

…and would I review…

…some type of a pair of glasses!!!

And also provide a link to their site.

I’m sorry. Wha…?

I won’t even proceed further to the blogger that is regularly sending me articles regarding his stance on being anti-med and anti-psychiatry. I do believe in freedom of speech to the core but I’m not going to link to him or blog about that!

I know this is long. I hope you got through it all but I just had to share it. My blogging life just seems to be getting more and more bizarre these days.

For Darkentries Who Thinks I Am Going Insane

Alright, then. Let’s clear up the metaphors and let me get some (I won’t get into all of the stuff that comes out of your ass anymore) out of my system. ‘Nuff said there and about bodily functions in that area in my comment sections/preceding posts?

So yesterday, I went to the job “fix me up, dust me off” sort of place that I stumbled upon. Indeed, it was truly exhausting. A couple of reasons? Now how’s this for a nice start to it all? I was anxious as all hell, not only because of my current situation, so I got very little sleep the night before. Another reason? I went to set my alarm clock and bloody hell? I discovered it was broken! OMG! OMG! OMG! My only recourse was to rely upon my mobile. I set the alarm and then realised that it only had one little battery cell left. OMG! OMG! OMG! I mean, it was time for me to go to bed! I didn’t have time to even attempt to charge it because I didn’t even have any alarm to get me up to make sure it had enough charge to make sure the alarm on it would go off!!!

Fucking Keystone Cops with my clocks or what???

I called ex-partner. She could give me a wake up call before leaving for work, right? Definitely a good idea. I couldn’t reach her so I just left a message. (Aside: she sent me a text the next day and I found out that she is now on vacation and out of the country anyway! Granted she could have called me from her mobile but obviously she didn’t get the message on her home phone until later.)

So, I finally get to sleep but I keep waking up and looking at the time on my bed side clock (at least THAT was still working on the damn thing) and picking up my mobile, almost cradling it like it was my newborn child! Good grief. Well, my mobile’s little alarm clock went off and I was fine.

Okay. Get up, shower, do my hair *rolls eyes* and select appropriate business suit. Check time. Enough for public transit and to not be late? Being Ms. ADD girl, sometimes an issue? And all AD(H)D’ers know this.  Time escapes us so lateness can certainly be a problem…? No worries.  I made it in fine time.  Maybe my Biphentin has been doing me some good in this area?

The day was long.  And with it being my first day, I knew not what to expect! Granted, with getting up so early and dressed all fancy, it almost felt like I was going to work.  That’s kind of a good thing? Still, it just seemed all weird and not knowing anything about anything there; it was a lot to take in.

The woman I dealt with was very nice and even though I agreed to come back in today, she understood that everything was overwhelming, tough to lose a job and all of that (I think we’ve covered that enough, right?) So, she said that if I felt that I couldn’t, it was fine.  Okay.  I called and left a message last night to be courteous and professional, of course.  Still, I felt like a failure and…oh, here we go…a piece of shit.

Now, there was something else that kind of added to it.  I said I wasn’t going to blog anymore about my former workplace and have I blogged about my job here? Really? Why the hell would I? For one, this blog is anonymous and secondly…my job? BORING! I suppose a third reason is that even though I write about my personal life at times, the primary focus is about stuff going on in my/your/peoples’ head(s.)

Anyway, I checked my personal email address and there was a note from my former company about a work function.  Huh? I mean, it really knocked me for six!

I immediately emailed my former boss and asked, “What’s this all about?” To make a “short story long,” it was explained that I was still invited even though I no longer worked there.  Again…no point in getting into my former or even current work life in the future…BORING!

I had a good email chat with my former boss and it was known by my former boss that I never got a chance to say goodbye to a lot of people so I asked…should I go? My former boss thought it might be a good idea as I would probably see some people and get a chance to talk to them.  Beyond that, I also had a lovely talk with my former boss and it…it just made me feel like I was “at home” again.  Not that the contact was bad in any way.  No, it was great! It was all just…well, again…a little shocking.

So basically, because of my exhausting day, the thoughts of my former workplace and such…I just didn’t know if I could handle going in to the “fix me up” place today.  God, I can only hope I don’t break down in tears at any given moment while I am there! No, must maintain a professional demeanor at all times!

I feel so pathetic.  I suppose this business is all understandable and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  I am seeing Merlin #1 on Friday so talking to him about things will perhaps help? I just feel completely all spun around.  I feel like, again, some coping skills are going down the toilet.

I’ve got to get my shit together.  I’ve got to find a fucking job! Perhaps I should just keep forcing myself to keep going to “fix me up” place.  Use that as my routine, the stability that I’ve always needed.

Today, though? What the fuck has happened? I’m just a complete wreck.  And I just popped a goddamn Valium/Diazepam to maybe settle me? My moods are all well, not good, my stomach is hurting, I’m completely discombobulated in my thinking processes.  I mean, how long has it even taken me to put together this post (barring a couple of tea breaks–and I want another right now as I’m still not done proofing this.)

I’m just sitting here not being able to stand myself right now! I want so much to kick my brain into action, maybe not high gear just yet but I can’t.  Something feels broken but not the entire thing.  No.  All of my money is on the Amygdala in my Limbic System (oddly enough neuro thought I had problems there anyway…) as I’m all flipped out and scared and freaking.  Also, absolutely my Frontal Lobes because I can’t think straight at all.