I figured that would be a suitable Post Title on the heels of the last? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing right now.  Falling back into the trap of staring at baby MacBook all day? I haven’t hit my night yet and I haven’t opened any apps…so?

Why am I making this Post? Because I’m exhausted, I can’t think…I can’t do anything today.  Just lie in bed!

I am fine, though.  No, I am.  There are reasons for this state of exhaustion and a near comatose, neural state.  Quite good ones, actually–even if one caused a lot of pain? *laughing*

The pain? Well, wee PA may be rather out of shape? More than rather? Two hours of yardwork left her muscles in an awful state.  I am still sore two days later! I feel rather embarrassed, as going cycling does not leave me in this manner! And speaking of the physical…

Some of you may not know anything about this unless you have been following me, or reading me on Twitter.  That is the only place I have mentioned it, as I just took a quick sweep of things here and didn’t see anything.

I’ve been thinking about pursuing some form of Martial Arts and there is a wonderful Dojo in my area.  I have had some email correspondence with them, and despite the fact that my finances are extremely dire, I have decided I am going to do it anyway.  I still need to speak to them in person, but I don’t expect anything too surprising that would make me change my mind.

This has been a serious thing I have wanted to do for years.  This is not a “flight of fancy,” although so many things become so due to my ADD.  Still, this has stuck with me for so long and that being the case, I am trusting that I will not lose interest.  I want to go all the way.  I want my Black Belt.  I do! Imagine it! Wee PA, 5′2″ and all 100lbs. of her, taking down some guy who’s 6′3″ and 240!!! *smirks*

Money for sure, but it’s a damn, good investment: my mind, body and spirit? I can’t see it being that outrageous, and considering I am no longer drinking, I could have gone through their membership costs in…how long if I were still imbibing?

I am also working on other “extra-curricular” activities.  I need to do this (or these things), in order to get me moving, to get me more motivated and things like that.  Reason being, I am still not medically cleared to return to job hunting.  I must say, I do agree with Merlin #2’s verdict, here.  Thus, in doing such things, gaining motivation, confidence, stick whatever name you want on it…hopefully, it will help get me to a place where I can go back to trying to find a bloody job!

Activity number two? For ages as well, I have wanted to try and eradicate completely my stage fright! I developed it later on in my teenage years.  You probably know nothing about that, or you might.  I love being on stage.  It is such an amazing feeling.  So, getting into some theatre work that will start in January.  I need to contact the folks soon.  Deadline and class sizes are limited.

I’m also doing more writing.  That’s an ongoing item, but still good that I am making the time for it.

Another thing I thought about last night regarding me being so tired and out it, is that I am putting a tremendous amount of energy into this “self-work.”  I couldn’t have even thought about doing this, what, even a month ago? No doubt it’s bound to have an effect upon me both mentally and physically.  Mind-Body Connection, right?

So, I don’t know what this means.  Am I now on a “Semi-Blogging Break?” Will I continue to be a bit erratic for an indeterminate period? I’m not sure.  All I know is today I found myself looking at my blog and I noticed some errors with some Widgets.  Then, I started changing a couple of others and before I knew it, I found myself writing this Post! *rolls eyes*

I am fine and I am merely taking a break from the “online me,” and paying some much needed attention to the “real life me.”  I realized that at least one reason I needed to do this, was because I was spending all day and all night tethered to baby MacBook. It was becoming extremely unhealthy.

I did not make a Post about it, because I didn’t quite fully decide that I was taking a break until I had already done it (or was doing it), if that makes any sense.  Therefore, to come back and write about it, would have drawn me back into what I was trying not to do.  I also had no idea how long this break would last, once I just sort of found myself in the middle of it.  So, I chose to just, “roll with it,” if you will.

No one has contacted me since the last Post I have written, however, I have now found out that someone mentioned they are concerned about me on Twitter.  That said, I am now writing this.  I do not want to cause any alarm or for anyone to get worried!

What I have done here in not telling anyone, done a complete vanishing act, has always been of great discussion among the Psych Blogging Arena.  It can do precisely the above, and other things as well, that upset people and throw them off kilter.  That was not my intent.  I may have now come off as being rather selfish, inconsiderate and other things, in breaking this somewhat, “Cardinal Rule” of Psych Blogging.

So, I apologize for that, and again, I am fine.  I am just taking a break and will be back when I feel the time is right.  I’m not sure when that will be, but I am not going anywhere.  All of you can be sure of that.

First, this is somewhat long but I don’t want that to turn you off.  I want that to turn you on.  If you can listen to it, I guarantee it will affect you in some way! *laughing*

I don’t know if any of you have heard of Christy Doran.  Irish born, extremely talented guitarist, who, when I heard and saw this quartet he had put together, was currently living in Switzerland.  The group was called, “Christy Doran’s New Bag,” and the album (or CD) was released in 1999.

I heard this song while driving around listening to the (now defunct) CBC 2.  I still mourn the moronic decision to eradicate CBC 2 to this day.  Regardless, it flipped my little, Bipolar Lid and I kept driving around until they announced what the song was.  At the time, there was a music festival running.  They were part of that festival, so I was lucky enough to find out where and when they were playing.  Awesome!

So, off I went to hear this song and whatever else they had to offer.  It was a small club and not too many people in attendance.  Interesting show and PA was happy with it.  Even better for the lack of people, as she’s small.  Nothing worse than lots of (tall) people to block her line of sight!

Afterward, I wanted to buy a CD.  Generally the norm, post-performance, someone is hanging around to sell them.  Nope.  No one.  I inquired at the bar.  The bartender told me to speak to Christy, or another member of the group.  Wot? Speak to Christy Doran??? I responded that I couldn’t do that (despite the fact that I was already rather inebriated, so I could have done pretty much anything in that state.)  Still.  And yet, dammit! I wanted that CD!

Everyone had left the bar except me.  I was still drinking a beer, then out comes the band! Time for that “Liquid Courage” to kick in? Now, let me tell you something about Christy Doran.  Maybe I shouldn’t even say this since he is famous? However, he was very quiet and he didn’t say much.  Also, very awkward and he wouldn’t make eye contact with me.  He seemed to shuffle back and forth on his feet a bit when he did talk to me, as well.  I shall say no more!

He said he didn’t have any CDs with him, but to write down my name and address.  Okay.  Then, the entire band asked me to join them and I can’t quite remember, but did they buy me drinks or did I just buy more for myself? Anyway, wee PA sat for a while, drinking, watching a footy match on television, chatting with a bunch of blokes from different parts of Europe…then she left! *laughing*

Months later, I had forgotten all about this.  Then I get a little, bubble pack in the mail from Switzerland. Wot? I just stared at it and thought, who on earth is mailing me something from Switzerland? Well, someone from Switzerland obviously (hardy har har…)  I opened it up and it was a CD copy of “Christy Doran’s New Bag.”  I just about fell over.  I was so overwhelmed that the sweet guy hadn’t forgotten about me, after I’d just quickly scrawled my information on a scrap of paper from the bartender.

That’s not all that was inside, though.  OMG, Christy Doran is adorable! He had photocopied some newspaper announcements and reviews from other cities in Canada where they had played, and then autographed it! Is that more sweetness upon sweetness? It just makes me love this song even more.

“Confusing The Spirits” by Christy Doran’s New Bag

Again, it has been a while but I’m in desperate need of Post Fodder at the moment.  Also, I might be in desperate need of “Search Term Fodder,” but as always, let’s give it a go!

To begin with, I don’t know if we have a lot of people looking up at the sky, who have their brains in the sky but…

sky, pretty sky, cloudy sunset sky, wild sky, dark cloudy skies skies — uh huh…

mood swings in gay men — Now, I really don’t think that gay men’s mood swings would be different than anyone else’s.  However, I will say that everyone’s mood swings can be different.  I am not a gay man, though.  I am a gay woman and I don’t think my mood swings are all that “special.”  Any gay male readers out there, please feel free to chime in.

sorry you’re sick — Awww.  A kind, caring and thoughtful reader out there.  Thanks! *hugs*

balsa building – This reader could be thinking one or two things, perhaps? Either they want to build balsa or they want a building made of it.  Well, if it’s the former, you would need to plant a tree to “build it.”  If you want an actual “building?” Well, I suggest only a model.  It’s pretty light so it would fall down as soon as you managed to put it up (or even beforehand.)  Feel free to “build” your model to scale, though!

concerta side effects tooth hurts — Now, last time I checked, this wasn’t on the list.  Go see a dentist!

fuck me once shame on you — You know, I kind of like this new variation on the phrase…

i am very patient — No doubt if you are a reader of this blog!

new fashion statement of 2009 — Whoa! You shoyd ‘ah toyned left at Alb’quoy’que!!! Let me tune your frequency in to a little Aspie Secret: We don’t give a rat’s ass about fashion (usually?) I can tell you right now I will never give a rat’s ass about fashion so don’t expect any writing about it here!

another anonymous for terrible — If you are looking for another Anonymous Blogger who is terrible, I am quite certain that I’m better at being terrible! I win! So there!

can you feel sick from a radiator — This is a particularly difficult question to answer.  If you are simply using it for heat, probably not.  Are you opening it up with any tools or…say a blowtorch or a chainsaw and ingesting its contents? Yes.

how do you get the scream back to normal — Sound is measured in decibels.  How often do you scream? I suggest practising your scream as often as possible.  In fact, do it in as many environments as possible.  Measure it every time you do it.  Then, you can take the mean average of your scream in decibels.  Then…keep repeating it over and over and over again until you’ve got it right! Or, just pick your favourite scream that comes out of your mouth, and keep doing it like that.

just in case…im ready — Cool! You could probably teach me some things since I’m such a SPAZ O.o

as a teacher are rules meant to be broke — You frighten me.  How did you even become a teacher??? You are responsible for young minds!!! In a single, solitary, word: NO!!!

baby borg — Ohhh!!! I want to see one!!! I’ve only seen Adult Borgs!!!

headcase terminology — Look no further, my friend and ally!

stranger than fiction was boring — Well, screw you if you didn’t like that Category on my blog! Get some balls you fucktard, and either comment here, or send me an email! Also, tell me why you didn’t like it! Sheesh!

why does brooke feel like shit — I don’t know.  Who’s Brooke? I have no clue.  Why don’t you just ask her?

mypod pillow – Do you have an iPod Pillow??? Is this some new Apple gadget they’ve come up with? I haven’t heard anything.  Do you have some kind of “Insider Information?” Oooh! Do tell! Or do you have a “Pillow in your Pod?” Either way, that sounds neat, too! Do tell, as well!

im fucked up nappy heads — You know what? You bloody, well are!!! Coming around here and calling us a bunch up “nappy heads!” Get off my blog! You don’t even deserve to read it, saying that shit! I can handle the rough and tumble, but don’t insult my readers, mmm’kay?

eating cigarettes makes you sick — Sounds like you had to find that out the hard way.  I’m sorry.

how do I write depressing poetry — Email me.  I am going to save you so much money in buying books about other poets, and so much time in research.  I have a very simple solution.  You can just read some of my work as examples.

model case of self medication — Email me.  I will tell you stories you would not believe from my past.  At least I have now quit drinking, so I am no longer that “model.”

anime couples eating ice cream — *giggles* Oh…  What a cute, little vision in my head…

hot women fucking — *silence* Erm…sorry…uh…different, yes. Different vision in my head…!

shit tree — Just what kind of garden are you trying to plant???

Past Search Term Ridiculosity

April 17 2007

May 05 2007

July 22 2007

November 06 2007

August 08 2008

December 25 2008

May 14 2009

It seems I’ve taken to lying in my bed these nights, with too many things running through my head.  I can not stop them.  They are like demented fish in a shallow pool, with half of their tails missing, and gills on either only their left or right sides.  If I owned a gun (which I do not and that is a very good thing), I wouldn’t be able to shoot a single, damn one of them if they weighed more than I do! Granted, these slimy bastards do weigh rather heavily on my mind.

This is bothering me for at least two reasons, that I can see so far at this juncture.  One, is that I have had these fish-thoughts, murkily paddling about in my brain before, and they should not be there.  I wish to stop this complete aberration of my mental faculties in this manner, of ongoing repetition.  “My Wish,” then poses a bit of a problem for me.  In (fish-)thinking of my “repetition,” I become a bit more…”aberrated,” shall we say? So, that is problem number one.  It also leads me to problem number two, perhaps? A bit of a Psychiatric Segue?

For the first time, in a very long time, I see a bit a shard of hope in Hades that I may be able to start getting my life back together.  Maybe.  A start.  With that rather small shard, I should have added, that is currently existing in Hades.  Let’s not hope it is made of ice or any other thing that is somewhat temperature sensitive.  Or, something that is remotely combustible in any way at all! And thus, that is problem number two.  fish-thoughts, please leave.  You are certainly “inconvenient,” in your most benign form, and you are holding me back.  You are getting in the way.

Ah, but what to use as a bait and pole.  I can tell you how many times I’ve…  No.  I can not tell you how many times I have used the “bait and switch,” to try and rid myself of my fish-thoughts.  However, what I can tell you is how utterly ineffective that method is.

Perhaps I should try and do some writing, to at least attempt to keep these reprehensible fish-thoughts at bay.  For now? I do certainly need to work on my writing–in more ways than one.  I have some items still awaiting words, and I need to get better at my writing, period.

Speaking of better writing, I read something that made me laugh recently from my current.  Let me find it, to give proper credit…

“You step up to the window in that fifth-floor lobby decorated by Kafka’s proctologist…” © Tom Robbins “Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas”

And further, speaking of Kafka…hmmm. Maybe my fish-thoughts aren’t so bad after all?

This morning I found out that I was considered for an award, and received an “Honorary Mention” from Psych Central. If you haven’t heard of them, they are pretty awesome. They have been recognized and received accolades themselves. I should have blogrolled them ages ago, but PA can be a little bit slow at times. Well, they sure will be blogrolled, now! But not because of the consideration for the award! Uh…no. Although, this certainly serves as a reminder–and a rather large one at that!

And speaking of “large,” this award is quite that, as well. You see, it was for their Annual Top Ten Bipolar Blogs of 2009. Yes, the entire year. I don’t know about you, but a year? Not to mention, a lot of Bipolar bloggers out there? Not to mention, further, I blog about a lot more than Bipolar? I have several comorbidities? Not to mention, further squared, I really don’t think my blog is that special?

Okay, I’ll stop with all of the “Not to mentions…”

However, I will say that this really came at an opportune time. Perhaps?

I’ve been struggling with my blog, lately. I don’t know if I’m going through (yet another!) “Blogging Crisis,” but I haven’t really been particularly happy regarding its content. Yes, yes…we always tell each other when this happens, “Write whatever you want. It’s your blog. Take a break if you need to. Mix things up a bit if you’re stuck in a rut…”

I know this. I do.

Maybe this absolutely, wonderful honour, that I do not think I am worthy of, will kick my arse into gear. Get me back on track to where I’ve been wanting go with this blog for ages. Some places where it used to exist before.

Or not. *much laughter and eye rolling ensues*

I have discussed this topic with my sister who is five years my senior.  In fact, we have discussed it many times.  We both have a complete: “The buck stops here!” attitude about it, actually.  However, there are multiple, marked and varied factors at play for both of us.

Even though we both suffered the same types of abuse in one way, we both had to deal with the weight of such different types, too.  Thus, as we grew older, it affected us in different ways.  Also, for the sake of this Post, I will leave out all of my diagnoses as hard as that may be.  Or, perhaps I won’t.  I may not be able to for it.  I don’t want to say they make me who I am.  I do not wish to get into the semantic, psychological and even ontological arguments regarding one with mental illnesses and disorders.  No.  Still, it shapes my perception of things.  This post is about abuse and trauma and my perception of it.  In order to deal with it, must I not perceive it somehow?

Alright, enough of the Philosophical Mumbo Jumbo.

Apart from the different forms of abuse and trauma that we both endured (only some details for brevity), how did we both fare in “Ending the Cycle?” How are we both faring to this day?

Well, I must say that she’s winning the race! *rolls eyes* She has three children so that has made a huge impact! It has pushed her to the extremist point, probably in that fact alone! She loves them so much, and despite the fact (more abuse and trauma…) that their father is a real doozy of an alcoholic, she has done an amazing job as a single mother (with Fibromyalgia that limits her to only working part time, might I add!)

I question if her age has anything to do with it.  I think that is inconsequential.  I do know that she completely cut off non-bio dad (her bio dad), and his side of the family a very long time ago.  She had very good reason to cut him off.  Not a pretty sight there, in terms of abuse and trauma.  On that note, I do wonder to this day about myself in that area.  I have so little memory of anything growing up at home, and that includes this disgusting realm.  I have asked my sister, and she has said she doesn’t recall a thing regarding me.  Nothing.  I still wonder, though.

The only tender spot that still comes around for her every once in a while, is the fact that she tends to ignore our extremely, mentally ill mother.  I always tell her to get over it.  It’s not such a big deal. *laughing*

And in terms of laughter, at least one good thing about the living hell we went through, is that my sister and I now get along? We may not be as thick as thieves (well, we are definitely close), it’s just that our contact is not so steady.  It’s quite erratic, really.  Although, what would or should you expect? The entire family, even in extended form, is completely fractured beyond all recognition! It’s amazing one solid relationship still exists at all! Plus, it took us years to even establish it, despite that fact we were already siblings!

So, where am I? Well, I gave non-bio dad the boot several years ago.  You see, both of the Parental Units elevate Self-Absorption, Attention Seeking Behaviour, Passive-aggressive behaviour, wow…just all of it right through the 96th Floor’s Penthouse Ceiling! As a result, I have some “issues” with these things.  I understand very well that we, as human beings, can be the utmost, fragile entities.  We all need love and care.  However, with PA, there is a threshold and a tolerance level with these acts.  She is an extremely, patient and forgiving person.  But with those, above, acts and behaviours, even with her threshold and tolerance level quite high, due to the abuse and trauma, she will go batshit in dealing with them!!!

Non-bio dad really wasn’t such a “dad,” at all.  When I was a teenager, after he and Mental Mommy became divorced, he was like my “buddy.”  At the time, I thought that was just the coolest thing, ever.  He bought me alcohol for parties (although, I was a “good girl” and never really drank, much less being such an unpopular, Aspie kid, I hardly got invited to any parties, anyway.)  However, he was completely inappropriate.  He told me things, and discussed matters largely sexual in content; things a young girl (despite how bloody mature I was), should not have heard!

He also continued to pull more unbelievable crap when I was an adult, and just about sold me down the river financially.  Minus a paddle or two.

It was funny though, as still having that notion in my mind, that “buddy thing,” I still felt we were so close.  I still felt I could rely upon him.  Well, the financial disaster woke me up pretty quickly (I managed to recover quite the tidy, little sum, thankfully.)

Also, he pulled another Self-Absorbed, Attention Seeking Behavioural, Passive-agressive manoeuvre on me, just when I needed him most (or at the time.)  Finally what did it, though, was sending me a quasi-suicidal, birthday present in the form of a spammy email.  It was one of those (KILL ME NOW!!!) PowerPoint slide shows of van Gogh paintings (okay, not so bad on the eyes?) yet it was accompanied by Don McLean’s version of “Starry Starry Night.”

Is the “irony” lost on anyone here? van Gogh was a severely disordered man, spent time in a mental institution, and whose death was suicide? Non-bio dad is a very, very intelligent man.  In fact, so is Mental Mommy, in a “brilliant madness,” type of way.

That “birthday present” put a halt to all communication with non-bio dad through a flurry of emails, more of his painful-make-PA-go-batshit-behaviour as already stated.  I can almost feel my eyes turning red, my brain splitting in two and my hair about set itself on fire, just reliving all of this! GAH! Kidding.  Still, he is…I can not find the words!

Mental Mommy? Well, I must admit I am still tied to her to a degree.  More so than my sister is for sure–but for very different reasons, as well.  In its most succinct form for me, I want to try and find out as much information as I can about bio dad.  It may be difficult due to her denial, conflicting stories, such skeletons in the closet.  Not to mention her periods of lucidity where even I can not distinguish the real from the not.  I have made some strides in that area, though.  I just have to keep hammering away at it.

I guess in a way, then, that is part of my portion of Ending the Cycle of Abuse.  The “Dirty Little Secret” of my entire existence was known to everyone but me, until I was 29! Talk about a hit of trauma and abuse that gave me! So in seeking out as much truth as I possibly can there, that may assist in some way of ending at least a bit more of my “Cycle.”

These women are so amazing.  I heard of them recently and was not sure how they would compare with my blessed Tallis Scholars (an a capella en semble that sings Scared Music.)  The Tallis Scholars are from Oxford, England.  These ladies are based in New York City.  Let me tell you, they are quite like my Tallis Scholars–minus the men’s voices.

This piece (and CD in its entirety), is music from the 13th and 14th Century.  I was listening to it yesterday, to “test” my Phonophobia, it being my first day of being post-ictal.  I have tried to find a suitable excerpt that would be both pleasing to the ear, and decent in length.  Many of the chants are very brief.

So, I hope you like this.  Perhaps it may not take you as out of this world as it does me, but still.

Also, the “Anon” part of the title? That means “Anonymous,” as in the Composer.  It does not refer to the group’s name.

“Anon: O Maria Stella Maris” by Anonymous 4

Alright, let’s move back a bit to the beginning of my day, prior to when I exploded last night.  Something was desperately wrong with me.  I felt like I was permanently living in a state of Orthostatic Hypotension.  I was so dizzy, felt so faint, and like you could knock me over by simply blowing on me.  I had eaten, had some tea, low blood sugar? That didn’t make sense.  I may have had a headache, too.  I can’t remember.

This continued all day.  I went to see Merlin #2 which was fine–great even.  He gave me refills for my Concerta/Extended Release Methylphenidate.  Yes, you heard that correctly.  Refills for Amphetamines. *shakes head* I love Merlin #2.  He loves me.  Also, inconsequential but he wants to refer me to a therapist.  He said he didn’t do that, and it was up to me to “find one.”  Ah, more love.

So, after that, still feeling so sick.  I met J. for coffee/tea.  I bought a cookie in case this low blood sugar issue was the problem.  It didn’t make any difference.  We had plans for dinner–get me some food.  That made no dent in my ickiness, either.  What was going on?

Transit ride home.  At this point, I was feeling even worse.  I was thinking, am I going to faint? My eyes were blurry, I could barely move, I just stared straight ahead and listened to my iPod.  Then, things started to head a bit in the seizure direction, but I was so out of it, I just couldn’t tell where.

On comes the epigastric rising.  My eyes were such a mess, and I was so weak already, no concept of what they were doing but probably not much in the blinking dept.  But maybe? Was I starting to lose my vision as I have done before while seizing? However, a major Simple Partial (or aura of things to come), as I experienced a huge feeling of panic and fear.  Now, interestingly enough, this happened when I had the same (or similar), type of seizure in the past.  Also, I don’t have Panic Attacks.

After that, an odd motor twitching in my lower, mouth area and jaw.  This is/was something rather new, lest one time when I believe I had something called epilepsia partialis continua. What that is, basically, an going period called “status” (a prolonged–extremely prolonged) seizure.  The name in italics means that version of a Simple Partial Seizure.  I only prayed that wasn’t going to happen because when it did before, it was the most painful thing in the world as per my seizure history.  It lasted for several hours.  I have written about it here before, I believe.  I’m quite sure.

Next, some weakness in my left arm.  This is not looking good.  I am now quickly approaching my stop.  This is not looking good, either.  What is going to happen when I stand up?

I stand up and by this point, my face has stopped doing it’s twitching thing but I am incredibly weak, still feeling like I am about to fall over and am having trouble walking.  I look very odd.  My knees and ankles are all bent in strange positions.  I slowly begin walking and immediately start to shake.  Then begin the motor spasms throughout my entire body, from the neck all the way down.  It is pouring rain, just sheets of it, so I walk under an eave to someone’s flat.  My entire body is going crazy.  I lose all postural tone, and on the way down, drop my rucksack and bang my head on the brick wall where I am standing.

I am still lying there and a huge, immediate, post-ictal outbreak of tears and wailing comes out of me.  Several people walk past me and offer no assistance.  Either they are too consumed with getting home in the horrible weather, or they think I am drunk, or somehow under the influence of something.  Perhaps both.  The perception of someone being under the influence is such a sad and unfortunate fact of Epilepsy.  It’s really just so awful.

I remain there for what seems like forever, completely drenched, with my limbs sticking out all over, until I think I can move.  I feel paralysed.  When I finally gather the strength and courage to try and move, I do so, but it is so hard.  I stand in the rain, waiting for the light to change at the intersection, to get to the pub across the street.  They know me and I have seized there before.  I walk across the street looking the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  I can only hope that I don’t fall down and get run over by a car.  I do not say this in jest.  I can barely walk.

I see a server I know and can just utter simple words to put me in the back.  Another server I know brings me water and a bag of ice.  I wait.  Eventually, I feel I have enough mobility in my legs to walk home but I am very dizzy.  The pub must have called a taxi to make sure I made it there.  I see one parked outside of where I live with no one in it.  As soon as I make it to the stairs to climb up to the building, it drives away.  Very kind of them.

I do not know how long any of this lasted.  This will not be a very accurate report for Non-Arsey Neuro.

Now, don’t quote me on this, but I think I recall reading a paper how there can be a build up of neuronal activity, and a seizure can act as almost a “release valve,” to let it all go.  I no longer feel they way I did like yesterday.  I could try and find the information, but I am too post-ictal and out of it in that manner.  However, I may try and find it later.

As per my post-ictal state.  Extreme fatigue, some dizziness, gastro not so bad but present, extreme cognitive impairment, and in fact, so bad I can not even denote my psychiatric symptoms that usually occur: depression and anxiety.  However, I am sure they are there.  Photophobia and phonophobia.  Headache.  These are the usual suspects, but I may be missing something due to the cognitive impairment.

So, I think that covers everything?

whadn’ ‘dat long ‘go.  nope, don’ b’lieve so.  nope.  *PA pulls toothpick from mouth*

see? ‘dang is, ‘dis guy.  he made me do i’d.  ‘dis guy, he goes by ‘dis name of? whadn’ his name ‘gain? sump’n like. cun…fussin’? cun’foosin’.  yeh.  ‘dat right.  he slick, know? he ge’d ya.  righ’d in ‘dere.  righ’d in! b’fore ya even knows i’d comin’! ‘dat hows he go’dden me in ‘dere! gran’d.  i ain’ sayin’ i’s complainin’ s’much.  hard t’member ‘do, hard ‘de say.

problem is ‘do, an’ ya go’da follow ‘kay? ya hear? ya lis’nen?

see, ‘dang is, i’s fall’n off ‘de path.  kin’a like ‘dose holy folk.  whadn’ ‘dey say? yeh.  fall’n off ‘de path.  ‘dat whadn’ I done.  wid’ ‘de bloggin’ an’, well readin’ mos’.

‘dat ‘dere slick guy lesson me in ‘do.  well, i’s fall’n off de’ path!

bu’d I can sing.  anybody ou’d ‘dere go’dn ‘dem a bloggin’ hymnal? i’s always good a’ ‘de singin’  i knows how ‘do ‘dat?

i know.  i ain’ been readin’ ‘dem blogs s’good.  i’s fall’n off de’ path.

mebbe ‘dem holy folks can say ‘dose prayers or some’in’ ‘dey gots.  mebbe ‘dat’ll get me back on ‘de bloggin’ path.