Stuttering (Kiss Me Again) - Ben’s Brother

]]> http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/my-current-earworm/feed/ patientanonymous http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/you-could-have-just-sat-on-my-keyboard/ http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/you-could-have-just-sat-on-my-keyboard/#comments Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:37:23 +0000 patientanonymous http://patientanonymous.wordpress.com/?p=799

I decided to try and switch gears the other night and work on some of my “creative” (ahem) writing.  No blogging (well, after my daily post) and no more work-related business (oh, which I am failing at anyway!) Still, maybe getting some other types of brainwaves going and, yes, some “creative” juices flowing might help somehow? Another way of motivating myself?

Well, the weather is getting warmer here so out are coming all the bugs.  Recall me cleaning up my flat and finding little mommy spider laying a few eggs. *shudder*  PA does not do well with bugs.

Anyway, I am working away on one of several outstanding pieces (of crap) and I see this teensy, little red thing, no larger than a dot you may make with a pen tip? It was wending it’s way around a couple of my keys on my keyboard.  I tried in vain to sort of “pick it up” or attach it or get it to climb up on to one of my fingertips.  No dice.  I grabbed a tissue and tried to somehow “capture” it with that.

The sneaky little thing then just disappeared right down beneath a key.  I’m not sure but I think it was the letter, “T.”

So, if little nosey parker was that keen on reading what I was writing, did it have to go all the way “underground?” Yes, surely, it could have just sat there and read it all on the screen! Maybe it had poor eyesight.  Or maybe it was more interested in what kind of software I have on my hard drive? Hmmm.

Well, if so…great.  Now I have a “computer bug.” *laughing*

Oh, I’m sorry.  That was just way too easy and I couldn’t help myself.  It’s alright, though.  Macs are basically virus proof and all of that.  You don’t need to install all the McAfee, Norton, AdA-/Spyware business.

I suppose I could get out my can of compressed air and give the keyboard a good blast.  I suspect the little thing is probably dead in it somewhere.  The new MacBooks’ keyboards are a single unit.  They are sealed so really, the little buggie is probably trapped in there.  It was really tiny, however.  And everything is electrical so he (she?) could have gotten fried.  Or…with enough time, there’s no food.  Starved buggie.

Honestly.  An insect crawling right into my keyboard.

I have been a bad, bad girl! I should be in bed…well, I am on bed but I should be sleeping!

I have been staying up way too late these days. So, post in mind for tonight…tomorrow?

For now, I should just turn the damn computer off, try and turn my mind off *laughing* and yes, go to sleep.

I have been terribly neglectful of all things I should be doing so I promise I will make a concerted effort tomorrow. Is that a promise to you guys or to me? Both?

Ah, feck it.

Nighty nighty. *sigh*

*PA rolls eyes*

Yes, July 01 is Canada Day.

And confession…it is no longer Canada Day where I live unless I try and do a quick calculation with time zones…erm…nevermind…

Enough of my anonymity has already slipped through the cracks. I’ve backdated a few posts to keep up with Blog365…what’s one more?

So, here’s a YouTube. Any Canadian readers will know this instantaneously. Well, if they are of my generation, they certainly should.

If you are not Canadian, then you should recognise that in just one form (early 1970s) we had no problem making fun of ourselves re: the RCMP. Also, Dudley Do Right was intermingled with Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

It’s been a long time since this has happened. Years, in fact. I’ve known this man for a brief period and we have established a friendship–a good one. Hmmm…

This is a bit dicey. Actually, what I am going to say next; this may be a bit dicey too?

Women are (or can be) very emotional. Men? Well, sure. They can be too but in my experience in terms of “sex” and sexual attraction and relationships? Not the same. I don’t like to make generalisations but…?

Sorry. This may sound terrible but women are so much more emotional than men. However, as a caveat, I will admit that I am extremely more emotional when it comes to sexual or romantic relationships (as a woman?)

So I went out to dinner with my friend. Whom I am apparently his object of attraction. This was not “news.” There is a “history,” if you will. He is…well, a bit of a “high performer.” I won’t say “Type A.” Do you know where I am going?

Maybe not.

Basically, he needs a good spanking…

PA can do that. We both know that. Not that BDSM involves sex. No. However, he’s really…oh…fuck. Yes, “fuck.” Yes, he’d really like to “go the distance.” But he knows that PA is gay and she’d never sleep with him.

I’m no stranger to the BDSM “Scene.” Many reasons for that…long story…but ultimately I fell into it by accident. Nonetheless, I was an observer at the clubs but it is still a part of me. Yes, oooh…aaah…PA has a penchant for BDSM! Shall we all fall over and die???

I am really a submissive. That is when (gee, I wish?) I am with a woman but I can and also be a “switch.” Also with a woman. I will Dominate her. That thrills me as well.

With a man? It can depend upon certain factors and again…everything always needs to be negotiated. The Cardinal Rules are: Safe, Sane and Consensual.

However, I’ve always found men are so easy…

Example. To start? This might work.

“Get down on your knees you pathetic piece of shit!”

Oh, boy!

BOY.

Why can’t I find a girl to play with me like this?

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

Still can’t get it together…working on…sorry…

PA, YOU STUPID FUCK.

Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood = ↓

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

…that’s all I’m gonna say..

I thought I’d better toss this up now as at least I’m awake.  WTF time did I go to bed last night? I sent someone an email at around 0400hrs and then had something to eat and watched some television.  Good, lord.

So apologies.  I’ll try to get back to your comments today but I don’t know where the hell I may end up between now and midnight (don’t worry, I’m staying home…)  I’m too exhausted to move anyway.  I’m serious.  My entire body is aching, my throat is sore, my head is all stuffy.  So, I’m sorry if you don’t hear from me other than this.  I’m not ignoring you.

I couldn’t make my appointment at “Fix Me Up.”  Now for that, I am truly sorry.  I’m kind of wondering if it even mattered (matters?) that much as everything’s getting all screwy there.  People are taking summer time off and I’m sort of left scratching my head.  Where do I stand? Am I “ready?” Huh…?  I did at least send in my information via email.  My coach said she’d try and get back to me.  You see? I don’t know what’s going on.

I was thinking about going in tomorrow after Merlin #1 but if there’s no one to really speak to or ask questions…  I can’t even think about anything right now.

I can’t deal with this stress bullshit anymore. *PA rolls eyes*

Fucking drinking. *PA rolls eyes again*

I want to kick my genes in the ass (haha…get it?) I know, not funny.  There’s a boatload of alcoholism on my maternal side (like my head lunacy wasn’t enough already?) I don’t know about my bio dad but probably not being a poor man whose family was totally poor as he supported them in Pakistan.  I’ve never met him as I was conceived there and born in Canada.

Anyway, not that I lay all the “blame” on genetic material.  I am responsible for what I do.  I just think it makes it all the damn harder for me to stop once I start.  Nothing has been proven about that rather pointed fact but the theory is definitely out there.  And you certainly can’t dismiss the notion entirely of a genetic component for alcoholism.