Okay.  I have had it UP TO HERE WITH MY GODDAM BLOODY FIBROIDS!!!

Oops.  “Bloody” was a pretty dumb word to write there, wasn’t it? Nonetheless…

I just got off the phone with Sweetie GP.  She needed to be updated on some things she’s not aware of.  Some new things, LIKE RIGHT NOW!!! *laughing* 

Also, something new to me that just ain’t no fun and ain’t no fair.

Everyone around here knows (or will read now) THIS STUPID BULLSHIT has to do with my Fibroids.

One thing that is not uncommon is for women to experience heavier periods.  Although, with my long history of anemia, I joke that I now have, “Period Anemia.”

This is actually not a joke.  AND NOT TODAY!!!

I HAVE BEDRIDDEN PERIOD ANEMIA!!! EXTREME CANE ALERT!!! SOMEONE FIND A NEUROSURGEON!!! STAT!!!

I had so much to do today.  So much I was capable of doing today.  One thing I needed to do today.

Now, we’re playing “Hide and Seek Period.”  I spot so heavily it’s like I’m on it.  Then, that stops.  Then, just wait and count to 100!

It would appear my Fibroids have quite a sense of humor.  WELL IT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL BEING OUT IN PUBLIC WITH NO TAMPONS!!! RUN TO DRUGSTORE CASUALLY!!!

I cannot count the pairs of underwear and other clothes, that I have had to throw in the trash. 

So, my Fibroids seem to be stand-up comics AND extortionists!

I have THREE FUCKING PAGES OF NOTES FOR MY NEW GYNECOLOGIST!!!

And speaking of fucking? This is the latest and greatest. 

I get INCREDIBLE CRAMPS WHEN I HAVE AN ORGASM!!!

That’s what I referred to as, “…just ain’t no fun and just ain’t no fair.”

I think it’s pretty clear to say that’s an understatement larger than our entire Galaxy.  Or larger.

I won’t delve into the three pages of what my Fibroids are doing to me.  Which they should not be doing to me.  Or any other woman.  In our Galaxy or beyond.

However, this is the end of the line. 

I REFUSE TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO HAVE ORGASMS!!! *not laughing*

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?


I finally figured out why I’m in so much pain while walking.  It’s not me.  It’s this crappy cane I’m using now.

It’s in heavy duty camo.  Pretending it looks like it’s all ready to rock and roll (stand and roll?) But it’s not.  It’s making ME rock and stand and roll!

So off (definitely!) today to get a new one.  AND A TELESCOPIC!!! An absolute must for me if I’m rockin’ and standin’ and rollin’ in a good way. 

Stick it in your bag or whatever and then just whip it out when you need it.

This is now where I start bashing people’s bodies apart with canes.  Even to the point of disembowelment if they really piss me off.

I’m tiny.  Even though the packets say I qualify for the shortest height, I sometimes don’t.  Even a 1/2cm or a bit more will make the cane too high.

This woman said the one I wanted was impossible to use.  I knew that! That’s precisely why I rip all of their merchandise apart to measure myself!

Hmmm…how can we even up things? Make this new cane short enough.

Wee PA smart.  Wee PA almost disembowel woman in store!!! We almost got into a screaming match.

My entire problem is two fold.  The length of the cane itself and then, when adjusting the buttons to the smallest settings, it further elongates everything.

The one I found was pretty outrageous.  However, I said to her we could swap the existing tip for a smaller one.  She told me that wouldn’t work and: TOO BAD! THEY’RE ON SALE!

OH, BITCH.  YOU JUST WATCH ME NOW.

Looked at the cane tips.  Got down on the floor like I was a human measuring tape and voila! I’ve already been walking with it and it seems just fine.

When I left, I couldn’t give her what she deserved.  Lucky enough to be dealing with other customers for her escape.

Moreover? I’m one of those gals when if someone says I can’t do things that are without boundaries (and especially if I’m a woman???)

THOSE WHO SAID IT STICK YOUR HEADS FURTHER UP YOUR ASSES. 

THAT MIGHT SAVE SOME OF YOUR HEARING FROM THE BOMB I’M GONNA DROP ON YOU.

SORRY EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO IS INNOCENT BECAUSE YOU WILL NOW BECOME COLLATERAL DAMAGE.

NOW.  LOOK THE FUCK OUT ‘CAUSE HERE I COME.

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?


I’m on my way to see my O2 Dude (that would be my Respirologist) now.  I’m out of my mind exhausted.

TEA!!!!! LAND HO! LOOK YONDER TO THE SOUTH!!! A kiosk where I can buy buckets of tea (i.e. millions and millions of treasure chests filled with gold bullion!)

My Respirologist quite impressed me the first time I met him.  That was only once.  Six months ago.

Actually, I met him before that one time.  The above was as an Outpatient Post Discharge.  Before that, I met him in the ER.  That was when they actually admitted me to the Respiratory Department.

I don’t know what visit to the ER it was when that happened.  I’ve actually lost track.  I think it was the fourth but going back just recently, I thought THAT was the sixth 911 call!

The sixth appearance of this idiopathic, stupid, die high fever, cough your guts out, pneumonia.  That won’t stop.

What impressed me so much, is that by simply looking at the x-rays, he’d isolated a/the portion of my lungs that were causing the problem.  Right lung, lower quadrant (roughly.)

I thought that was a way to start off our relationship.  Moreover, he was very sensitive and caring.  Another excellent addition to my current Team.

I have a boatload of comments and questions now.  Only a couple before.  Here they are:

– There’s a vaccine.  My GP can give it to me or you can.  Even though it’s normally used for patients who are 60+years old, I’m in a Special Population, correct?

– Given Symbicort, but I think I do better on Ventolin.

– Hold off on any Respiratory Tests unless emergent.  Stats, levels, capacity done last year.  Need to work on smoking in medical environment, plus what else might be found?

– The Isolated Area.  Lots here!

– Still the same? Changes in localized position? More of lung, or lungs?

– Which tissues are affected? Have more of them become affected? Have any effects changed anywhere else or become worse?

– If there are problems with any tissues are they solely related, or connected to others for a specific formation of functioning? If so, a possible collapse effect to other formations, thus issues with collective functioning?

– No formal diagnosis, but any working hypothesis? Any idea why this keeps happening? It’s all the time!

WHOA.  Not so great a Specialist anymore! Can’t find referral from my GP when she did send one.  Ditto for me to sign off for file transfer. Says I am not presenting him with any evidence of having pneumonia.

This is a normal  thing that happens to everyone.  They all get Upper Respiratory Viruses…

Hang on.  BACTERIAL!!! Well, for me.  Even YOU had to give antibiotics!!!

The high fevers I get? They can only be medically treated? 104°F? Oh, as he sneers, they’re not deathly.  Perhaps they might be for me, as I can get close to the above in one day.

A lovely example for you? Just to demonstrate the fact that it might be a problem?

Says to self: I think I’ll go to bed now.  Hopefully the coughing won’t be so bad…”  The least of my worries is when my temperature continues to rise while I’m asleep.  And I don’t wake up?

For the love of whomever!

It’s not only an emergency if a baby’s temperature starts to rise to a high degree quickly.  It’s just as much an emergency for an adult.  The only difference is cause/reference and effect/outcome–some of which can even be the same.

I am now going to extremely angrily run back to my GP.  Clearly? She knows more about this than anyone!

She’s also very Pro-Specialist which is a sign of a wonderful GP.  She is very aware of what is within and without her scope both as a Physician and what she already knows.

Meaning: despite a firm grasp of a problem area, it would be best to have it treated by someone who only works in that area.

Even still, she knows so much more regarding me, and my problems, that sometimes require Specialists.  We’ll talk and she’ll be all over my brain and body.  STAT!

And did I fail to mention this little piece of information? I called her office one day as I had a concern.  Could the information get passed on? I think she should know.

2100hrs.  I get a call.  She just had to put her kids to bed before she could get back to me.  Okay.

I can’t believe what she’ll do for me, and everything she already has.

I’d take a bullet for her.  Not just because I love her so much, but she needs to remain on this planet.

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?


Asperger’s Meltdowns.

Well, generally through overstimulation.  Add some stress on top of that? Okay…

WHAM! BANG! SLAP!

POUND.

I guess the above sums it up.  The vague causes it is.  Dissemination? Dissection?

A friend with serious, serious problems and he comes to see me every day to unload.

It’s not like I don’t want to help.  I guess I just have a life with issues of my own?

This friend has Bipolar and unbelievable levels of OCD I think a diagnosis is absolutely warranted.  That probably makes his daily, morning visits more important.

My Inzombia is at an all time high.  I’m so exhausted, I hear my buzzer after some, what, hours of sleep and early, I know it’s him.

These days, I hit the buzz to respond and say I’m still sleeping.  Nope.  Too late.  I’m awake now.  Goodbye pillow.

Rambling.  Nonverbal online? Well, unless you’re yelling at your own Blog Posts. 

We ordered pizza at his place and thank god I told him what an Asperger’s Meltdown can do to you.  That awful, terrifying feeling of being so infantilized.  The crying, mumbling, whining.

My friend has members of his family, one Schizophrenic, one with Asperger’s.

He also has a four-year-old son.  That was the BEST way for him to handle me.

I’m still here.  Wow.  How long have I been Nonverbal? He’s playing games on his mega video system.  And I’m writing this.  Longing to go home.

I just can’t move.

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?


The Business Contact and fast friend from the start.  This has now alleviated some of my grief. 

My contact has been made directly and personally.  This way, if I hear nothing I will know nothing.

Also, I will speak no more and our friendship is over with that silence.  I will miss her but I am fine with both.

I questioned if it had something to do with me.  I apologized for whatever it was if that was the case.  I would have been fine in her telling me. 

Also, if she felt whatever happened might have hurt or upset me? I still would have been fine.

I can only hope that SHE wasn’t hurt regarding what bloody happened.


Yeah.  What the hell does Einstein’s Theory of Relatively have to do with my INSANE PTSD AND NOT REMEMBERING ALMOST ALL OF MY LIFE.

Well, Physics is kind of weird.  Just like Neurology.  In fact, apart from weird, its misunderstood, like mining for gold in gold or vice versa and more.

Relatively is back and forth and forth and back and faster and faster and then a further link to outer space, then things get pretty messy–from a basic Physics Perspective.

Or at least how it started long ago.  People got really mad.  Was he some kind of heretic? No, people just didn’t get it.

Back and forth.  I don’t


A Business Associate and great friend no longer works at her job.  I found out today.  Via a bounce email stating that fact.

I went out of my mind.  I actually started searching Obituaries since she didn’t tell me and we had just been in contact recently.

Why did she not tell me while still working on a project together and I was to see her this month.

I ended up calling and spoke to her replacement, I guess.  I begged him to contact her on my behalf.  To please tell her to contact me.

He said he’d speak to his Manager, but:

“Usually when someone leaves and they don’t tell anyone, it’s because they don’t want them to know.”

I’ve had some time to think and I’m wondering if this is pure, ADULTERATED bullshit.  As in, shut your fuckin’ mouth to your clients here because you’re moving elsewhere.

She was too good at her job to get tossed out of there.  Fuck.

That’s the apogee.

I haven’t said anything about this.  The already existing HELL.

My Mom’s gotten the boot to vacate her house.  With one month’s notice.  That’s criminal but it was only at the beginning of May so it didn’t matter.  So much for her to do.

She lives a distance from me but I’ve been trying to get there as much as I can.  Squeeze her in between so many appointments, hop on a train and so forth.

Now, I might be kind of sick.  Is it just exhaustion from all of the madness of too much I’m trying to accomplish? You, or rather me, can crash pretty hard if I do take on more than I chew.

But with a short period of time to rest, a fresh wee daisy! Not now.  Plus things that…just don’t sit right and have never happened at all.

Sweetie GP and I are trying to solve the puzzle.

The exhaustion refuses to abate.  All I want to do is sleep during the day.  I can NOT sleep during the day.  Once I’m up, I’m up.  I must have a near death virus to give me an hour or so of a nap!

Doctor’s Orders: Do NOT sleep during the day.  I cannot tell you how tortuous that is right now.

Couple that with Inzombia, things get even worse.  Due to all of this, probably the craziest battery of tests to be done is a Sleep Study.  Another Borg PA, but for sleepies, not a quick EEG for epilepsy.  Yay.

Time to pass out.  NEVER!!! I was standing in my kitchen and weak, spinny, where is my head? Gonna go down… Can I reach the counter with my hand fast enough?

That was a whole new experience for me! And if you’re curious about my epilepsy and it being a seizure? Nope!

I only have one type of seizure that will make me look like I “pass out.” However, it hits immediately and I lose all consciousness.  I regain consciousness in a few minutes or a bit less.  An Atonic Seizure.

A couple of more tests! CBC which is basic and always done.  Then, specifically my ferritin to see if my anemia has gotten worse.

This is a fun one though! A test I’ve never done like the Sleep Study! Granted, much easier and not as insane.

Sugar Base.  Or Sugar Line.  Whatever you want to call it.

TWO HOURS.

Draw blood and measure.  Drink uber-sweet beverage.  Wait.  Draw blood again and measure.  Compare.

End Result? What’s the deal about sugar and my body.  If there’s an issue, what to do to treat said issue.

I’m also awaiting a ring from a new Gynecologist.  My current one is extremely unprofessional and just plain mean.

With the new Gynecologist, discussions will be had about having a partial hysterectomy.  I will keep my ovaries, of course.  I still need my hormones! This is not a joke.  If you had my uterus inside your body, it would be abundantly clear!

I guess that’s it. 

I should try to sleep now?


How can you tell your ADD is getting worse when you already have it!

How can you tell your ADD is COMPLETELY spinning out of control when you can’t tell it’s getting worse because you already have it and it’s even worse now because it’s already spinning out of control and you also can’t tell because it makes you write run on sentences just like you would speak but you wouldn’t know you’re speaking that way because you can’t tell your ADD is spinning so out of control and taking you with it but you don’t know that!

I’d normally start panting, gasping for air, but I actually found a little gem from all of that.  MY ADD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AND TAKING MY WHOLE LIFE WITH IT!!!

Not a lie: at its peak, I’ll be doing something for 10 minutes, then I’ll go off and do something else for 10 minutes, then I might return to the first thing I was doing for another 10 minutes or I’ll wander off and do something else for 10 minutes, after that, 10 minutes later…

Sorry for another run on.  I was too busy flitting around every 10 minutes doing who knows what, and I couldn’t remember where I left off writing this Post.

I need to build one of those “Cast of Characters” Pages.  There are a lot of them floating around here. 

For old and new readers alike, it would probably simplify things.  And everyone might get some giggles.  There was one I was really stuck on (and kind of still am) for a name.  I just don’t want it to be verboten in the trigger area.  I guess I could say that.

Was that too bad for an ADD tangent? At least a piece or two is relevant there.

I had to stop seeing Merlin #1 so I was referred to hopefully, a Merlin #3.  I think Dr. Asshole had already started me on Concerta at that time.

Yes.  He did.

Merlin #2 and I decided I needed a titration of my 36mg of Concerta as I was still having problems.  I think this was back when titrations for Concerta were extremely ridiculous.

As in, “Big Pharma, you are so insane.  YOU need the medication more than you provide for the sick! YOU ARE SICK!!! I hate you from head to toe! But I can’t.  I need your medication.”

People, that’s one of my biggest love/hate relationships with Big Pharma.

Continuing.  Back then, I think you went from 36mg to 57mg.  Wot??? They’ve evened it out now, but I’m tiny! Even though I had NO side effects, I did agree that was too much.

So, we switched to Biphentin.  Some of you might not know this ADD medication.  Certainly in the U.S. because a very good website doesn’t even list it.  And, it’s a U.S. based depository.

However, for the drugs that are listed, it does give you a decent bit of pharmacology and chemistry as to how they work.  If you can grasp that, it’s a pretty good bonus for a patient driven site.

It doesn’t go as far as listing DINs (Drug Identification Numbers.)  Those are more for Pharmacists, Physicians and Medical Coverage (when required.) 

A DIN you might say? Oh, I laughed so much when I first looked at the depository for all of those! Every pill and every dose for a drug currently in existence has a separate one.  A lot of numbers.

Back to Concerta and my Biphentin.  Biphentin is Concerta.  Pharmacologically, few tweaks, different method of delivery, but the main point for me was an even 10mg titration up to 80mg.

We might have a Merlin #3 entering the picture.  I’ve had several discussions with Merlin #1 (hopefully I can back to him as my primary) and he has another colleague who will increase my Biphentin.

I think we’re good to go.

NOTE: on my blog I offer and direct readers to sites that I do not endorse. I have been speaking of one heavily here re: medical information forpublishede.  I will not mention it here should this Post end up being published elsewhere.  Please email me if you would like more information.


I FINALLY got back to an AA Meeting today.  I think it’s been about six weeks of constant interruptions that were really beyond my control.  I’m serious.  No excuses for any flakes.

Two visits to hospital, twice sick when one required bed rest for two weeks, appt. changed at the last minute.

Boy did it feel good to get back.  Home sweet home.

I’m trying to find a Sponsor right now.  I’m in a pretty vulnerable place.  Well, all Alcoholics will stay in vulnerable places until they die.  That’s how I see it anyway. 

When you’re an addict, it’s not like having a target on your back.  It’s more like having targets all over your entire body.  And it hurts.  It hurts A LOT.

Why am feeling more vulnerable right now? I’ve reached two weeks of sobriety.  The most I’ve ever hit before was about three to four.

Yes, yes! Go PA! You’re already half way there! You can do it! HUZZAH!!!

Well, if anyone is gonna say that to me, thank you.  I’ll take all the support I can get!

However, in real life, it’s a lot different.  Sure, day by day.  That’s applicable to so many other things in life! Not just me trying to stay clean and sober.

I actually haven’t been taking it day by day so much for these past two weeks.  I just wake up and know I’m not going to drink.  It has no appeal.

Well, I need to put some serious, bloody effort into things now! Day by day, hour by hour, second by second.

Because in AA there isn’t any “goal setting.” It’s not some Therapy Group that practises CBT, DBT or anything else of that nature.  There’s no mandatory attendance so you won’t get your wrist slapped if you don’t show up.

However, I feel like I have a “goal” looming over my head like a guillotine.  I HAVE to make that month.  I have to stay sober for the next two weeks.

Then maybe I’ll feel stronger than I was before.  It might raise my confidence.  Yes? Hopefully?

So here we go.  The clock starts now.


Sorry.  Not a very catchy title.  Blame the migraine (and Maxalt – my triptan of choice.)  I’m actually turning my mobile at a weird angle for the photophobia.

OMG.  What am I doing??? I want to write something because I’m ticked off, but I’m waiting for the Migraine Murderous Reaper to come knocking on my door–not some courier with a belated birthday gift.

I’ll get back to this.  Post-Postdrome.

Sorry, but thanks?

Next Page »



Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,900 other followers