Archive for December, 2006

I’m actually not one for resolutions. I feel that if you want to accomplish something–then you just do it; it’s as simple as that. And because I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted post about (a few ideas rolling around but not enough motivation to pick one and do it justice?) I decided to work on making this blog a bit more *fun.*

I had been wanting to add a Flash MP3 player for a while but I couldn’t find a decent free one that I liked (that worked.) And yes, I want to host my own music. I’ve seen some other folks out there playing some other “canned” stuff that is hosted by the MP3 player that you get for free from the site but that’s just no fun. I want to be the DJ!

Yes, you would invariably find me doing that at parties all through high school (with the host’s permission of course!) It’s not that I wasn’t social (or downright anti-social haha!) I tended more toward the shy and thoughtful type but chances are that there probably was something wrong when everyone kept asking me about a dozen or more times throughout the evening. So, if I couldn’t find anyone to talk to, I figured I might as well make myself useful as everyone loved music at parties and I sure did too. So I’d spin the tunes and that would keep me occupied while I would just sit and “observe.”

So after spending most of the afternoon trying to download this and that with no positive result, I went the ultra “high-tech, low-tech” route with some very simple javascript code (like I even know what I’m talking about!!!) and QuickTime. It’s actually a google player so at least it’ll work with Blogger (yes, I am still laughing…) And the bonus is that I can still type in text so you, dear reader, can get my “brilliant” commentary along with the song. I know, you are thrilled.

And of course, you do realize that this is for my sheer indulgence and your horror, amusement, entertainment and perhaps education.

I also added a meebome widget in case anyone wants to leave a message or post catty remarks about the music (or anything else.) Also maybe a good idea since Blogger can be so flaky. A good tool too if you’re too busy or maybe a little shy about sending me an email. They’re always welcome as well, however!

Oh yes, one more thing. The DJ does take requests *grin*

This is going to be a messy post. Partially because I haven’t had any caffeine yet…wait, better go rectify that for you, readers…hang on:


Okay, caffeine, check. Nicotine, check. Patient Anonymous tries to be stimulated when she writes posts in order to be understandable when she writes. Patient Anonymous also tends to speak in the third person sometimes, especially when she can not access her emotions. You see, Patient Anonymous lives mostly in her head and deals with things logically. She has a hard time finding her feelings and knowing where they live. Most people say “the heart” but that is an organ that pumps and supplies blood to all the other organs in the body. Patient Anonymous does not know where feelings and emotions lie.

All right, let’s just get on with it.

After years of living with Bipolar, I’ve learned to become acutely aware of my cycling patterns. I’ve become, almost hypervigilant of mood changes–well, most of the time. But since I’ve been fairly stable for a while, it’s difficult to know if a minor change is indicative of “cycling” or just a natural change in mood.

Has Christmas been a “trigger?”

For the past few days I’ve been feeling down and irritable. And anxious too. It’s more than just the regular “busy-ness” of the season for really, I haven’t been that busy. Things have slowed down considerably.

It’s my family.

Let’s start with Mom. I received a Christmas card a few days prior to Christmas Day. Before that, no news of anything. My grandmother died in the fall so I didn’t know if we would be getting together. I waited for some sort of invitation, no call. That was fine as Christmas has never been a pleasant time for me. No good memories as a child. It was always full of fighting between my parents (they divorced when I was 14) and we were always late (by hours sometimes) for any other family gathering due to my Mom never being able to get anywhere on time. She’s habitually doing things that can always wait until another time and checking nervously if the stove is off etc…

So I called Mom on Christmas Day just to say hello and wish her a Merry Christmas. It was odd. It was like, if I didn’t call her the day would not have even existed. She said she had a couple of presents for my partner and I and would we like to come by, maybe some time next week(?) I said we would find a date and get back to her. There are still things to sort out with my grandmother’s estate so perhaps we could wait until then. That is what we agreed upon so we will get together…whenever?

My Dad. This is bothering me more. He was living in another province for several years. Our relationship has dwindled to pretty much nothing now and I don’t understand why. I have some ideas like he’s an immature asshole and perhaps more but I am still left confused and wondering. We used to be very close but more like “buddies”–not like a father and daughter. Still, he’s the only “Dad” I’ve ever known.

Anyway, he moved back to my/our home province in October and has not contacted me–at least not directly. He has sent some mass emails where I have been included but he has not bothered to send anything to me personally or call. Why? Or why not should be the better question. And no Christmas invitations or wishes from anyone on his side of the family either (my Mom is an only child so no no extended family there.)

I debated checking my work email account from home while I am on vacation to see if anything is there but a) I am on vacation and b) I doubt that there is anything is there.

So is this merely the “Christmas Blues” or has my family (yet again) thrown me into a (mini) Bipolar tailspin. Maybe both? At any rate, my meds are holding and I’m not in any danger or feeling like doing anything “stupid.”

I discussed some of the issues about my father with my therapist last week. I can’t go and see her this week so I guess what I’m going through now will have to wait a bit. We talked about the idea of clients “divorcing parents.” Hmmm.

Well, it’s not something I need to decide right away but I’m not happy with him.

I forgot about this. I meant to post about it the other night. I was watching Law and Order (too bad Dr. Deb is on vacation, even though it wasn’t SVU–I could have ran over to her blog for a quickie on the topic.) Anyway, I wasn’t really paying attention. There was too much going on in the house and it was late…anyway, my ears pricked up when I heard that a character died while overdosing on Depaquel(sp?). Huh? They said it was an antipsychotic. And just to be sure that I wasn’t hallucinating, they repeated the drug name three times during the episode.

Okay. Now I know that certain drugs can be sold around the world under various generic names but Seroquel is fairly new and I don’t know if the patent has run out yet for other companies to start producing it under another name other than the generic Quetiapine. So I was thinking, is this some new hybrid between either Depakote or Depakene and Seroquel? Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. And you thought Zyprexa would pack on the pounds HA! And speaking of Zyprexa (aka Olanzapine,) it’s the only antipsychotic that I know of that has been souped up with another med, an SSRI–Prozac (aka Fluoxetine.) That is Symbyax and I’m sure that was years in the making.

I have yet to hear of any plans to combine anticonvulsants with antipsychotics. To me, it doesn’t make any sense. Granted, I’m no psychopharmocologist but anticonvulsants are too hit and miss. And although they may be considered mood stabilizers, technically they are not. They only true mood stabilizer as a class of drug is Lithium. The whole point of Symbyax was to assist with the depressive aspects of bipolar. So far in clinical trials (if memory serves,) the best drug in the anticonvulsant class (and what I’ve heard anecdotally–see, anticonvulsants are a crap shoot when it comes to treating the depression side of bipolar!) is Lamictal. So maybe the drug in the television show should have been called Lamiquel?

That got me thinking, maybe my spelling was off. Maybe it was Depoquel! That got me going down a whole different pathway. Maybe it was a combination of Depo-Provera (birth control) and Seroquel! Now this makes sense (and the victim of death was female…) This just might be marketable. Sometimes those manic episodes do lead to some pretty bad decisions… Hey, with the *new* “Depoquel” you certainly won’t have to worry about racing to get the “Morning After Pill!”

Now I googled every spelling variable possible and I can’t find anything. If someone in some country somewhere takes this version of an antipsychotic, please let me know. Nothing makes me angrier than misinformation in the media. I don’t know if there was some sort of copyright thing going on but if so, then they could have resorted to good old Haldol/Halperidol and leave it at that.

Still pretty tired. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep last night as Mr. King of the Castle (aka our cat)

woke me up this morning like a fuzzy alarm clock right at 0800hrs looking for breakfast. I’m not sure what time I fell asleep. It must have been after 0200hrs? My sleep isn’t great, even with the Imovane. It basically keeps me down but I still need ear plugs as I’ve become a very light sleeper and if the room isn’t dark enough, I will require a sleep shade. How glamourous, I know. And no, I don’t have satin pyjamas to go with. But once I’m up, I’m up. I may buy an hour or so with my Clobazam, a weak benzo used as a seizure adjunct but because my dose is so low, it doesn’t really do much in the way of having any sort of sedating effect.

Anyway, at least I don’t have to go anywhere today! The last couple of days were just mad!

So yes, as the topic states, I had my first two, yes, two trips to shul (aka synagogue) on Friday night and Saturday morning respectively. My partner wanted me to go to her family one on Friday night so that my first experience would be a good one. A couple of reasons for this–that I soon found out.

First, her shul was nicer than the one we went to on Saturday morning (haha.) Second, the Friday night services were a lot shorter than the Saturday morning services. Oh my. A lot. We were there for almost three hours. Even my partner was wanting to die. Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme but you get the picture. I’m speaking purely euphemistically here and no one really wanted their life to end–just the service.

And it wasn’t for the celebration of Hanukkah that we were going. It’s not really considered a High Holiday so I was told that the shul wasn’t really busy (on Friday night anyway–the Saturday one, we didn’t know much about as my partner had never been to that shul.) No, we went as a member of my partner’s family was being honoured for their 50th wedding anniversary with something called an “Alia.” It means “to rise up” and essentially your are called to read from the Torah. And there was a lunch afterwards.

It was simultaneously interesting and boring. I mean, the majority of it was in Hebrew so I couldn’t follow or understand anything. There were books with English translation but the first part of the service was all singing and if you read my prior post, you will know that I don’t sing in any religious service, English or not! There was a portion of Torah lesson in English but it was really long on Saturday. Wow. Granted, it’s not my first service in another language. I went to a friend’s father’s funeral who is Coptic Orthodox. That was in Arabic and quite intriguing–in an odd sort of way.

Anyway, it’s over now. I probably won’t be going back to shul for a while haha.

But the best part is, I scored a couple of kipa’s! These are also known as skullcaps, yarmulke’s. We had joked with my partner’s mother that I had wanted one after participating in so many holidays already (my partner doesn’t even wear one, neither does her mother!)…I just like them–I’m silly. Well, in shul’s everywhere, they always have “freebies” or “loaners.” So if you don’t have one, you just take one from this sort of communal box.

Well, after her mother finding out I wanted one, she was even going to go to the expense of having one made with my name embroidered in Hebrew–I mean, the whole nine yards. Yes, we think the woman really does want me to convert. I suppose it could be worse as she couldn’t like me at all? Anyway, that plan fell through so now was my chance! (Aside: Ironically I used to have some that I stole from a hospital shul during my first hospitalization but the tales from that are definitely for another day!)

The ones at the first shul were just your “basic black” and simple–nothing special but on the Saturday, after the excruciatingly long service, I found another one, wool in the Sephardic style. They’re bigger and sort of “boxier.” They look like this:

So, maybe it was kind of bad to take it but hey, after sitting there for that long, I figured I earned it! Not to mention, since I’m half Pakistani, it actually kind of suits me better *grin* Not that my partner’s Mom knows anything about that, or my psych/neuro profile…no, we’re breaking her in gently. It was bad enough for her to learn that her daughter was actually gay…

Okay, time to put away some groceries and “stuff”…guess I won’t be a complete “lady of leisure” today haha.

…for now. Like you give a rat’s ass. I swear, I’ve fucking had it with Blogger, computers, whatever the hell is causing all the damn problems. I know, rant, rant and rant some more! Maybe it will make me feel better? Maybe PA is starting to lose it?

I think I need to have some food and lay down for a bit. Or something. We’ve got a big night ahead and I’m still trying to do stuff around the house. Not that people are coming over–we’re going out–but everything still needs to get done around here (because we are going out so much and there’s just not enough time.

I’m not feeling social.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a little cranky. This is the second day of my vacation and I’ve been going non-stop from first thing in the morning until into the evening. I mean, I’ve been busier on vacation than I normally am when I’m working.

That’s nuts.

So I was walking home from a nearby radiology lab this morning after getting my tummy x-rayed. This woman was walking two Basset Hounds and she was positively screaming at one of them for admittedly, nothing that I could see the poor pup doing wrong. Lady, if you yelled at me like that, I wouldn’t listen to you either.

Now, I’ll admit that Bassets aren’t the smartest set of the canine species. We had one growing up and even though she was an absolute doll, she was dumb. But for goodness sake, don’t yell at your pets!

Granted, I’ve yelled at mine to try and teach them. To get them to stop doing something that they’re not supposed to be doing but I don’t absolutely shriek like a possessed demon! I do it to get their attention. But just yelling and screaming in an abusive manner? That drives me crazy. And I always follow it up with a little “chat” about behaviour and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Animals are smart and you do need to train them but yelling uncontrollably (and hitting–DO NOT get me started…) is terrorizing the furry one who should be your best friend.

Is It Blogger Or Me?

Ah yes, the eternal question. I’m at home now (so I don’t have the super duper fancy computing abilities of my workplace) and I also installed (well reinstalled) the newer version of Firefox (and yes I am on a PC)

*hangs head*–I want a Mac…

but oh, holy hell(!) I am again not able or barely able to connect with anything (including my own blog), replete with broken images, links, error messages…if I am persistent, things seem to work eventually but it only appears to be with blogs. And not only with Blogger blogs; it seems WordPress blogs aren’t accessible either. By any route. Manually typing urls, search engines…

All other websites seem fine.


It’s the same with IE. Up, down, up down.

Piss off.

Okay, because my posts have been really long (well, not really long) and sort of all over, I’m going to try something new today. Just writing short little posts about individual subjects. You can tell me if that’s any more annoying than trying to keep track of my posts that seem to veer hither and yon.

…How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Patient Anonymous? A flibbertigibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!

So I’ve been noticing that I’ve been rambling a bit during my posts. Forgive me. I’m really wondering if getting some stims will help. Afraid I won’t know the answer to that one for a while.

And more imminently, How do you solve a problem like blogger?! I swear, since they’ve supposedly axed beta and they’re migrating people over to who knows what (I haven’t managed to see a difference although they say they’re making whatever changes to “certain” people slowly…guess I’m a peon) things are an absolute disaster today. Worse than whenever it was a few days ago. I can’t even view peoples blogs properly! So who knows if you’ll even be able to read this let alone comment haha!

Now where were we…yes, The Sound of Music. They always play it this time of year even though it has nothing to do with Christmas. I’ve never understood that. But I do love the word “flibbertigibbbet!” And I do love Julie Andrews too. Actually, I think I had a crush on her as a little girl. Yes, I am willing to publicly embarrass myself on my own blog. I also had crushes on Olivia Newton-John and Lindsay Wagner (The Bionic Woman!) And of course, this was way before I knew anything about my sexuality–I was just a little girl (not that little girls don’t know their sexual preferences, I just didn’t.) Dear me, I was practically asexual until the bipolar hit.

As I got a little older, I developed crushes on “fey” boys. Gee, if that wasn’t a clue? When I was 17, a boy I was dating broke up with me on Christmas Eve because he “thought he was gay.” Of course he was. Oh the irony. I caught up with him later on in my 20s after I had come out and suggested getting together for a drink. He didn’t seem so enthusiastic.

So I got to thinking about attractiveness and who I’ve found “attractive” or appealing over the years and vice versa. I mean, I am by no means beautiful. Somewhere between “cute” and “pretty,” perhaps but by “society’s standards…?” (thank you society for giving us women such a fucked up lens by which to define ourselves…) I don’t know. I just think of myself as painfully average *sigh* I look in the mirror though and think, Would I pick myself up in a bar? Nah, don’t think so!

For a while, many people have thought that facial or bilateral symmetry was the key to attraction. The press really took off with it and all sorts of “documentaries” were made, stories written. I recall seeing them and sort of fell into the trap? But in thinking about all of it today, it made me wonder. It may not be so “simple” as the geometrical designations of the infamous mask that can be applied to one’s face to actually measure the symmetry.

Oooh. Looks spooky, huh?

But that’s not all that’s spooky. Take a look at this site. It’s kind of annyoying so I apologize for that but even in it’s “annonying-ness” it just further demonstrates how scary it is and again, how everyone really took to this whole bilateral symmetry thing. This place made a business out of it. Yikes. Now I am not an advocate of plastic surgery but to take the “leap” of science and use it for your business to remodel people’s faces and then to stuff your pockets after all is said and done with the profits?

Here we have some interesting quoted studies about some work done re: bilateral symmetry and how it may not matter much at all–at least in terms of attractiveness. But wait there’s more! Check out the stuff on how women recognize faces during various phases of their menstrual cycle (both on and off the birth control pill) and some controversial stuff on racial facial (hey that rhymes ha!) recognition.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the years it’s simply this: a good looking face (or whatever else suits your fancy) won’t help you at all over the years if you can’t communicate and don’t have at least a few core things in common with the person you ultimately end up with. Looks fade over the years as do a lot of other things that go along with “the physical”…it’s the mental that sustains the relationship.