So what have I done today? Get up. Go to work. Do no work. Look at some blogs.

I have been emailing ex-partner and she was surprised to hear me tell her that I would actually miss her. I said to her that I am not a robot and not devoid of emotion. Even if sometimes I acted like I was. And that me moving out would probably be very lonely indeed. And that I was already feeling “depressed as fuck” as it is. Hence my post title.

I really do want to kill myself. I made a *promise* to myself years ago that I wouldn’t though. Two overdose attempts were bad enough. But right now, I sort of feel, what’s the point? I mean, really. When I look around and take stock…there really isn’t a hell of a lot in my life. There might be some people who would “miss me” but they would carry on and lead their lives just fine after I was gone, I’m sure. It’s not like I’ve got people lined up or beating a path to my door anyway.

I always try and talk the suicidal out of their states of mind and tell them that they need to hang on. Keep living. Well, looks like I’m full of shit, now aren’t I?


  1. SJK

    “There might be some people who would “miss me” but they would carry on and lead their lives just fine after I was gone, I’m sure.”

    no they would not,and it is the same reason why i got thru the same kinda thinkin recently.

    i was thinkin how to do it ,yet make it look like an accident.every day…….will today be the night?

    hold on as best you can,hopefully it will pass.

    mine has,for now anyway.

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  2. Hi SJK, thank you for responding. I suppose you are right and that my death may in fact make an impact on some people? I guess I should try and heed the advice I give to others.

    But I’ve never been very good at doing that.

    *sigh*

    I probably should have never even bothered posting this in the first place and just kept my stupid mouth shut.

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  3. P.A., You know how I feel about this. Your life matters and you do know this. I wrote to you about what my girlfriend went through and I can’t see, not one more person I care about , not be here to talk with me, not that you have to talk to me. I have lost so many people in my life. They fought so hard and those things that are bad and are hard at the moment, will not be there to stay, things are always changing. You don’t know what wonders can lay ahead for you…and there are things planned ahead for you. There will be better times and better people if you let them come.

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  4. Hi CA, I feel like I’m getting a virtual spanking from everyone now. I knew I shouldn’t have posted this.

    And it’s not that I don’t *want* to talk to you or anyone else. Sure, I do.

    And I know the psychology of it all. I’m smarter than that. Obviously this blog post was “a cry for help.”

    I am working very hard on trying to not feel the way I feel but unfortunately Bipolar just doesn’t work that way. I can only monitor myself and my moods and if things either persist or get worse I need to start making some phone calls.

    But thank you for your positive beliefs and words and thoughts. I know the cyclical nature of life and the cyclical nature of life with Bipolar but I also know the acute and chronic nature of being suicidal and when it gets this bad, I need to pay close attention to myself.

    Thanks again,
    PA

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  5. You should have posted this. Its how you’re feeling…
    Most of us here understand how you’re feeling ( I think?), and we know that we can’t really help you, and it has to run its course, but we want to know how you’re feeling, and if you’re feeling bad, we want to show our support, and let you know we are there for you. Just because we know we can’t help much doesn’t mean we can’t try!

    We don’t come here to read about the fun life of PA, we come here because we’ve grown to care. So by all means post ‘I feel crappy’ and we will reply ‘Ah bugger, sorry about that…’ It does help a little to know people are out there, thinking of you.
    Oh, here is a crappy poem of mine of those very words:
    http://gloomferret.info/writings/thinking-of-you/
    That’ll cheer you up!

    Chin up! Worse things happen at sea!
    Three in the bush is better than a pie in the face.
    A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…

    Erm….anyone?

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  6. ian

    just (((hugs)))
    keep on writing the bandicoot PA!
    everyone’s here to give you a hug and a virtual chocolate cookies, and if we could i’m sure that we would certainly be beating down your door! :)

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  7. sisyphusledge

    Hey PA, I know that trick of the mind that gets you into rationalising that people would carry on without you and if you did kill yourself, they would cope without you. It is something that goes on im my head when I am deeply depressed. But it is not something I feel when I am well and therefore I know that it is there because my mind is not functioning properly. Stress makes you more vulnerable to the glitches major and minor that are happening right now in your life. Your illnesses make you stressed and vulnerable. It is difficult. I agree with gloomferret that you should write about how you are feeling. Don’t beat yourself up about writing this post. We do want to know how you are feeling. It helps us see that we are not alone in our own feelings of despair at times. You should talk to people about it. And if not here, then email or sit down with someone and tell them how you are feeling.
    There would be an empty space if you did kill yourself and we would miss you, but you need to get that devil out of your head that is telling you that people would carry on OK without you. It doesn’t help and it is not rational. Talk about it, but don’t believe it.
    Take care,
    Sisyphus

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  8. Hi gloomy, thank you for the positive reinforcement. I am so used to a) being relatively stable an b) being so stoic and c) holding everything inside (learned/developed behaviour from childhood) and because of c) a byproduct results. It may not always be me presenting a “persona” of Little Miss Sunshine. I’m far too cynical for that but it leads to casting a veneer that, “nothing’s wrong, “I’m fine.” I’ve been like this my entire life. Lie, lie, lie at all cost because opening up just comes with too high a price.

    Thanks for the poem. It’s great. Not crappy but you are as self-deprecating as me. I always dismiss my writing as crap too. Well, who knows, maybe it is. It never garners much response when I post it on my blog.

    ian, thank you as well. Oh, you flatter me. Well, perhaps (some) people in the virtual world are a bit nicer? I don’t know. I’m not exactly Ms. Popularity. Strings of broken relationships and betrayed friendships.

    Hi Sisyphus, wise words as always. Well, I’m glad(?) to see that this post may have helped in some way? Yes, needs to be talked about it and I know that “the isolation factor” can make things so much worse but as I said in an above comment, I’m great at doling out the advice, not so much in taking it myself. I shall just have to try, persevere, etc… All of those things, I guess. I won’t mention the alternative.

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  9. Thank you anonymous mom.

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  10. Deb

    It can feel very overwhelming. I know that personally and professionally. You would be greatly missed on many levels – and your blogpals are alreading letting you know that. I trust that you can find a way through this, and I hope you can talk to someone professionally.

    {{{{(Thinking of you}}}}}}

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  11. Thanks, Deb. I appreciate your words as always. Yes, I am hanging on and everyone has been so supportive. So yes, a very heartfelt thank you to you and each and every one of them.

    I do have a therapist and do see her regularly–although we have some interruptions in session at the moment because of some medical tests I have coming up.

    If things persist, I suppose I can also contact my GP and see if we can try and get things moving from a psychiatric/med. perspective although things are slow going in that department. We can not find me a psychiatrist. However, if I am struggling, then perhaps I’ll need to give “the system” a push?

    Thanks again,
    PA

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  12. Hi PA – Seems you all said everything I would have said.
    Yes, you are reaching out by posting this and even in this blogosphere world you have impacted people and so, how much more so in your personal contacts?

    I don’t mean to seem like I am coming across like I am sugar coating everything or to offer a bandaid for a festering wound, but one of my favorite movies of all time is “Its a Wonderful Life” because when George wants to take his life because he thinks everyone would be better off if he were never born, Clarence the angel shows up to show him how much worse off people would have been with out him. I like to think that we are here to be a blessing whenever possible and that our actions put forth ripples of good that continue on.

    We all have times in our lives where we feel we aren’t worthy or we’ve blown it or maybe taking in the next breath seems next to impossible – especially when we’ve been in the fetal position under our mattresses for what seems like forever. Some have experienced it to a greater degree than others. Sometimes it’s circumstances, i.e. life sucks at that time, maybe a chemical imbalance or certain diagnosis. I think it goes with being part of the family of man.

    Sounds like you are doing the right things. You are getting your feelings out, you are reaching out, you are counseling and you have a plan to see a physician if need be. You are right not to isolate. Are you getting enough rest and eating well?

    I don’t know you and so I don’t mean to sound presumptuous in anyway.

    When I was a teenager my aunt said to me once that if you are depressed – go do something to help someone else, because as you are helping them – you don’t think about yourself.

    Maybe that is one of the reasons that Jesus said it is more blessed to give than to receive.

    Focus on the good things and take even little baby steps forward if thats all you can do at the time. Even if you don’t feel like it – act as if. Sometimes, if you “act as if” the good feelings will follow.

    I know that you don’t necessarily believe in God – but talk to him anyway – ask him for help. He sees the sincere heart and wants to give you so much and he does love you unconditionally. That is what Easter is all about. Our heavenly father loving each one of us so much that he gave his only son to die for us and his son loved us so much he willingly gave his life for us. There is no greater love than that. You are loved. You were born for a purpose and God knows everything about you and wants only the best for you. Forgive me if that was offensive in any way. :)

    I am going to do the meme – I just haven’t felt like really thinking lately as distracted with other things in my life at the moment – but I will.

    i enjoy your blog and your comments so keep thise posts and comments coming. :)

    Like

  13. gemini88

    “but they would carry on and lead their lives just fine after I was gone, I’m sure.”
    That is just so not true!!! i met a young lady the other night night suffering from BP and we spent an hour and a half together , the circumstances for the meeting were different but hey thats life ! anyhow during that time i developed such a closseness and bond to her that i will never ever forget , she was so mentally tormented , and i could feel her pain ,unfortunately she wont get the help she desperately needed , but i know in that short time how much i cared for her and how much she meant to me ,and i will never forget her or just move on and get over it , so imagine how devastated the people around her feel ,who have been so lucky to have known and loved her. sorry if this seems disjointed , i’m struggling on the keyboard

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  14. Hi SeaSpray, thank you for your (lengthy) comment! Don’t worry about sugar coating anything or being presumptuous. I got the “George” analogy and you may ask anything you wish about me. Rest is alright (i.e. sleep) thanks to my meds. I am getting enough. I can tell that I am in more of a depressive phase, however, as I am in fact sleeping a bit longer. Under more “normal” conditions, the hypnotic doesn’t knock me out or allow me to sleep as long.

    Eating is another matter. Due to my gastro problems I have not been eating well in a very long time. I try. I mean, I *am* eating but whether or not there is some kind of malabsorpotion issue (for one?) and why and what else…I am losing weight like there is no tomorrow, anemic and everything seems to pretty much go right through me. I’m kind of surprised I have the energy that I do?

    However, there could be some break through ultradian cycling going on–things are a bit mixed up. My moods are shifting rapidly but they are not extremely high peaks and valleys–well, not euphoria and not extreme anxiety or wracking depression–but the point is, how high/low/out of control do they have to be before I seek help? That is the key question.

    Oh dear. I always do this…go straight to to the keyboard without making a tea first. I’m getting extremely tangential.

    “Act as if.” Kind of like “Fake it ‘Til You Make It?” I just found this short little article here.

    I’m not offended by your or anyone others’ beliefs! Never and I have stated that on this blog. And I am very happy and pleased that others like yourself have shown me the same tolerance. It makes me smile that the Christian God has a soft spot for everyone including the little athiests like me. So perhaps if I don’t wish to speak to him, you (and CA?) can have a chat with him for me? You guys seem to have a good wifi connection. Now I hope YOU don’t find that offensive!

    Ah, get to the meme, when you can…

    Hi gemini88, nice to meet you. Thank you for visiting and commenting. Yes, I get it. Don’t worry, I have problems “getting it out” sometimes too.

    I do, on an intellectual plane understand that we never know how we will touch the lives of people we meet–even if I think that I have never made an impact–but when this illness fucks your head up so bad, psychologically and emotionally it’s hard to see what is *real.*

    I’m still working on it…but don’t worry..I’m still here.

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  15. HP

    Late to this but…

    I think your level of insight into your thought processes is ultimately very healthy and I think that will probably stop you from acting on these thoughts. You seem well aware of the origin of these thoughts.

    If you did act on these thoughts, of course it would affect people. It’s just your current state of mind that is telling you differently. I believe you know that too. With so much going on in your life currently, it’s no wonder you feel the struggle. Hang in there, hopefully this will pass shortly.

    However, if you feel these feelings become more insistent, reach out to somebody for help or to talk things over with.

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  16. Thanks HP, no worries about being “late.” All comments welcome whenever. No shelf date. Thank you for your assessment. Yes, there is a bit of a yin-yang, altered perception vs. reality struggle going on with the whole thing. Today, for the moment, reality seems to have the lead.

    I’m still keeping tabs on the situation.

    Like




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