I mentioned it in my “Comments” section but I would formally like to thank everyone here who has supported me over the last little while–either via commenting or via personal email. It really means a lot.

The way in which I was raised makes it very difficult for me to show my vulnerabilities to people. Hence why I sort of threw a bit of a hissy fit about even posting the fact that I felt suicidal, that I was being a hypocrite and that I should just delete the post from my blog. It’s like at times, I feel as though I am not allowed to “enjoy” the throes of Bipolar and confess that even I can suffer relapses. I take my relapses very hard. In fact, I take every negative thing that I seem to do very hard. It’s like I am not allowed to do “bad things” or make any mistakes. For others, it is fine, for me, it is not.

My mother was quite ill basically since I was born. She was ill prior to me being born, really. I don’t know what exactly her diagnosis is or could be but I suspect that Bipolar is at least one of them. She denies that anything is even wrong with her she is so ill and delusional. As a result, I was forced to grow up extremely fast and basically without a childhood. For many years, when it wasn’t absolutely terrifying to do so, I became my mother’s nurse. This placed me into a “caregiver” role.

I am also a “fixer.” Around the age of 8-10 years old, I voraciously read university psych texts trying to figure out how to “fix” my mother. I was always told she was Schizophrenic but in present day that diagnosis really doesn’t fit.

I have carried these traits with me throughout my life and at times, they can be excellent skills to have but at other moments, they can completely veer off course and I can either take on too much of a person’s problems or life or I can try (or want to try) and fix the impossible and want to tear my hair out in sheer frustration and madness. At the very worst, I will suffer in vast amounts emotionally and psychologically.

Combined with the terrorizing atmosphere of the home where you did not say a damn word out of fear that the insanity would be directed your way, I’ve learned to just keep quiet and hold so much in.

So I have a hyper-degree of responsibility and caring that I apply to others but not to myself and I don’t dare rock the boat (i.e. I hold myself to extremely high standards but it’s okay for everyone else to be fallible and be human. And if anything’s wrong with me, I either don’t mention it and just keep it to myself and “deal with it.”) I have been told time and time again that I need to go easier on myself and cut myself some slack but old habits are hard to break. I don’t know how to practice “self-care” very well because growing up, there was no one to care for me. And no, this isn’t a plug for pity–it’s just they way it was and how it’s messed me up.

Mom was too ill and incapable, Dad was too self-absorbed, together they were too abusive and chaotic and also self-absorbed and as a collective (the four of us–I have an older sister) the dynamic got really complicated because my mother decided to start marking off “territories” and dividing everyone up in a “Mom and PA” vs. “Dad and Sister” way. And that led to some rather bad consequences all around. My sister and I are still reeling from the repercussions but thankfully, as we grew into adulthood, we became close(r) again and now we are “bound by our pain” as I often tell her. And thankfully, she can supply me with memories from my childhood that are about 95% gone because of all the truama. You know it’s bad when it’s so repressed you can’t remember a portion so large.

I’m trying to figure out if the alleviation of all of the stress that I am going through will help me. Or if I need some pharmaceutical intervention. Or both? The latter may take some time as my GP is still trying to find me a psychiatrist and also wants to wait for the results of all of the gastro business. Psychiatry med stuff is a bit out of her realm and she doesn’t want to start monkeying with my meds. I understand that. Quite a bit different from my last GP who wanted to treat me for every problem under the sun and me being “Ms. Smarty Pants” could basically go in and demand any med I wanted based upon a solid argument that it would help me. I still feel I can negotiate with my current GP but she wants me to see an ongoing psychiatrist. I have no problem with that but it could take a while and I’m concerned about my brain falling apart. My current meds are I suppose keeping me together but I could probably be doing better.

Perhaps when things settle down a bit, I will indeed feel some relief and more positive. I am also anxious about having my endoscopy and colonoscopy done. As the day draws closer, I am becoming more stressed about that too. It’s just one more thing that is causing me anxiety. I am aware of the mind-body connection and that of course, stress can exacerbate gastro issues but my physical symptoms are well…rather severe and I was not this stressed when it all began so many months ago.

I have been somewhat busy today, doing more packing and some chores around the apartment. It has kept my bouncing little mind a pre-occupied a bit so I guess that is good.

I guess that’s it.

  1. You have so much going on right now P.A.. Having a split and moving is a great deal of added stress. I hope things will look up soon. You have a whole lot of us that care.


  2. Thanks, CA, you’re always so supportive.


  3. ian

    hey you!!
    its okay to admit to all the negative feelings we all go through… But it is such an ongoing process isn’t it? Identifying, acknowledging, clearing. I’m only just beginning to be able to say out loud ‘i feel like…(poo/suicidal/useless/ashamed – whatever the current thing is)’

    you are going through a lot! And sometimes you gotta not take it, but turn around and say ‘yeah – this is poo’

    i really hope the clinical stuff goes easy and simply for you…half the battle is having a nice doctor – is your one quite understanding?


  4. Hi ian, yes, the cycle continues. I feel like a baby right now with all of this “regression” and “relearning” and starting over and blah… It’s like there are so many unknowns I feel right now in my future there are little question marks hanging over my head? I can almost *see* them floating around. Note, I said almost. Not delusional.

    My GP is very understanding. The gastro I’ve only met a couple of times. Well, actually, I’ve only met them both a couple of times as GP is new but she’s listened to me rattle on and seems okay. He seems alright too but he’s like, kind of geeky/shy/quiet but that’s totally cool because a lot of times, I don’t make eye contact with my docs as I get too overstimulated and I can’t do it. I haven’t with the gastro and never did during my psych evals but I have made eye contact with my GP!

    Okay, well, I probably *could* do it but I’d have to totally force myself and it’s just really hard. A lot of time I don’t make eye contact with my therapist either if it’s too overwhelming/over stimulating too. Fuck, sometimes I can’t even make eye contact with the TV it’s too overstimulating!


  5. HP

    When you’ve been conditioned to taking care of others, learning to take care of self can be very, very hard. I hoe you can make some progress with that because with all that you’ve got going on in your life right now, it would most definitely help.
    Don’t fear the endoscopy/colonoscopy. Easy to say, I know, because I was fearful before my first ones. I have to say the anticipation far outweighed the experience. I knew nothing about it until I woke in recovery. If it ends up giving you some answers to your gastric problems (hence treatment and hopefully resolution), that’s one step forward and, ultimately, one less stressor .
    Take care of you, PA.


  6. Hi HP, I’m glad that you understand this and you hear me. Thank you. I am not actually afraid of the procedure, I’ll be out with a general, yes. It’s just another thing on my mind and truly, I would like to know what the hell is going on with my body. And yes, just please have another stressor dealt with and hopefully an answer with some sort of resolution.


  7. i know this comment is 2 years late but i just needed to say i know exactly what you meant in this post, your life sounds rather similar to mine in terms of parentage and ongoig health just about to go read some more recent suff of yours so expect a trail of comments from me! :D
    Glad i found your blog…its nice to feel not so alone! X

    oh my blog is:
    incase u fancy a fairly new with this whole blogging biz so bare with me! x


  8. Hi helpmestopher. Thank you for coming by and welcome to my blog. Thank you so much for your comment and I am extremely flattered. Thank you also for the link to yours–plus I see that you have blogrolled me. Another thank you and more flattery! *blushing*

    Not to worry about being new to blogging. We all have to start somewhere, right? I now have you Bookmarked, so I can pop by and have a read. Lately, though, I have been terrible at keeping up with people, so if you don’t see me around, please do not take offense!

    Also, I am very glad that you do not feel so alone. There are many kind and good souls around the blogosphere. It helps to communicate with them, as I have learned over the years.

    Ah, yes. More flattery! I am to expect a trail of comments? Well, that is fine. I welcome all readers, comments and their emails. Most definitely.


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