Archive for April 6th, 2007


Alright, I’ve taken enough Gravol (dimenhydrinate) to knock me out completely but I can’t sleep. Well, the phone’s been ringing a bit and ex-partner’s now gone to meet a friend. But still, I should be out of it completely. I am in pain and thought I was going to throw up earlier. Hence some relief from the OTC anti-nauseant? It’s not a perfect solution but it’s what I usually do when things get bad. Not working.  Maybe ex-partner was right when she mentioned before that her cousin was down for two days after her colonsoscopy and I had an upper endoscopy as well as that.

Speaking of ex-partner, still being a good egg about things and taking rather decent care of me? God, I feel like shit about that too. She ended up taking the entire day off yesterday for my procedure. Not that she needed to as I was home by lunch but I guess it gave her an excuse to take the rest of the day off. She’s now just run out to get me some more gingerale, soup and comfort food. Again, what am I going to do without her when I MOVE NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Yes, I have that to deal with next. My “new life” as it were. Fuck.

So lying in bed, trying to sleep, pondering it all, moods still veering hither and yon…I start thinking about sex. Now I’m not feeling the level of hypersexuality when things were completely out of control as I am partially medicated. And shit, I’m in fucking pain too. I haven’t really had much of a sex drive in ages. Following that, there’s the ever pervasive issue of suicide and that kind of pops into my head. I’m not “actively” suicidal at the moment–or at least that’s the way I’ll phrase it. I don’t have any plans or motivation to carry out any attempts but the feeling of wanting to die is still lingering about.

Odd to think about sex and death together in one fell swoop. Welcome to the wonderful world of Bipolar everyone. Or maybe my brain just thinks in more bizarre ways than everyone else? It’s capable of making such giant leaps? Well, I think both may be true but this is probably more a case of the Bipolar talking.

I think I need more Lamictal. No, I know I do. But I’ll keep my rediscovered sex drive, please? And yes, can we also put in an order to fix up my fucking stomach? I can’t fucking stand this much longer…