Archive for April 10th, 2007


 

Alright so Dental Phobia doesn’t exactly have that great a ring to it…I thought there might be a more technical term for it but “Odontophobia” sounds a little bit more exotic. I just got back from the dentist. I’m not afraid of the dentist–I don’t particularly love it–but I see a very good office. They even give you a nice warm towel for your face after you are done. It makes me almost feel like I’m a man just freshly shaven in an old fashioned Barber Shoppe.

Aside: how on earth do you use a straight razor without bludgeoning someone?

Anyway, as I lay back in the chair (god it felt good to lie down) I pondered “fear.” More pointedly, my own.

I am so fucking afraid right now. You have no idea. And each day, something hits me anew. Now unlike “phobias”which are irrational fears of “things” (persons, objects, activities or situations) my fears are different. Now as for them being “irrational,” I don’t believe they are. My therapist may beg to differ but it’s her job to try and calm me the hell down.

I am trying very hard to take a Lassez-faire attitude about things but it is fleeting and I am failing miserably.

“…the only constant is change…”

I’m sorry but platitudes aren’t cutting it either. I could probably list more but I won’t because they keep spinning around in my head and I still keep coming back to the same thing: FEAR.

Now, my “rational” mind is telling me, forcing me to do an inventory or all the fucking, shitty, unbelievably painful things I’ve been through in the past and that I’ve survived them and come out the other side. That is not helping either.

I feel like I’m going to puke as I write this and I’m actually crying. Yippee!

I’m not a control freak. I never have been. Again, my rational mind knows that there just are things in life (the majority of them) that are beyond my control and I have to accept that. But when things happen that upset my life so much…things I don’t understand, can’t explain or even fathom and can’t grapple with…

…I am reduced to…

…words can not even describe it.