Archive for April 11th, 2007

I just called my tentative, sort of, possibly new psychiatrist’s office and apparently I am not, nor will be when I move, in their geographical area so I may not be considered applicable for any assessment, treatment whatever. Who the hell cares where I live?!

He’s not even there. He’s on vacation anyway so I’m still stuck waiting.

I can’t see my gastro for about a month for the biopsy results, my goddamn brain is falling apart and no psychiatrists seem to be available or “willing to deal with me.” The last one said “I had a job and was in a relationship” so I was fine. Well, nix the latter. See how quickly life can turn on a dime Dr. Smarty Pants? And just because I need a fucking paycheque to survive doesn’t mean I’m not still hanging from a unravelling thread!

Do I really need to go over the deep end, throw myself into the hospital, lose my job and destroy my entire life to get the medical attention I need? There’s no point in doing the first on the list because going inpatient sucks, nothing comes of it for me (or it didn’t the last time) and come hell or highwater I just fucking won’t.

Or at least I hope I won’t.

Okay, so I’m writing about drugs again. But it’s not that kind of post. Although I do kind of feel like I’m on some bizarre concoction of something right now–I don’t even know what you’d say it was. So this post may not be all that coherent/cohesive.

I was thinking this morning how the mood states of Bipolar and the passage of time can be a lot like being on certain types of drugs. Now I haven’t had a lot of experience with drugs…really. But take being in a depressive state. It’s like being on “pot time” where everything moves so unbelievably slowly. And with some of the stuff I’ve smoked, we’ve called it “Wheelchair Weed” or “Polio Pot” (apologies if that’s offensive) because it’s made, at least me anyway, completely unable to move off the nearest piece of furniture I could find. Similar to some of the worst states of depression where you can’t muster enough strength to get out of bed.

In a (hypo)manic state, well, pick any “speedy” type of drug and there you go. Boundless amounts of energy, your mouth becomes a babbling brook (aka pressured speech) and as for time, well you spend countless amounts of it madly zipping around and before you know it, hours, days etc… have passed you by.

I’ve never been delusional, save a recent experience with pseudoephedrine where I heard some music that’s got me scratching my head (it’s not recommended for some Bipolar folk but I’ve never had a problem before) and I’ve never done any hallucinogens so I’ll leave that up to anyone else out there who’s reading. I know that LSD can keep you going for hours–or at least by some peoples’ accounts.

Perhaps it’s really no grand revelation that I’m making. When you’re cycling, you really are in an altered state of mind. And drugs do alter your brain chemistry. Perhaps not in the same way that Bipolar “lives” in your brain but something just sort of “tweaked” in my head this morning (sorry…bad pun.)