Archive for April 12th, 2007


I hate to subject you to more of this but this morning (or well, yesterday morning) I was waking to plans of suicide, and then lots of tears (which is odd because I find it extremely difficult to cry) than I had in…well, since I could remember. I mananged to make it through the day in some zombie like state and then came home.

I battled with a bottle of wine and lost. I spent the entire night online with another blogger (you know who you are…) when I finally decided to *try* and go to bed I went straight for the kitchen drawer where are the knives are.

My ex-partner is a trained chef. Some of the knives that she didn’t give me so generously (because mine were shit) were still there. So I calmly selected one. Not too broad but sharp enough.

Bugger! Fuck! Cocksuckingsonofabitch! What the hell? The blade was not pierceing my flesh? I kept trying. I selected another one, a similar knife. Again, same result. I select a larger knive but I actually had the wherewithal to be careful. Remember, cutting is about trying to release pain and not about severing a limb or doing major damage that I have done before. It’s not (usually) about suicide. That’s just the movies, folks.

Finally, I managed to make some superficial cuts. That was a little while ago and I cleaned them well. They’ve stopped bleeding now. I can’t believe we didn’t have anything sharper in the house! I suppose it’s probably a good thing. I’ve still got a lot to try and deal with and get through. Over the next little while. And longer while.