Archive for April 13th, 2007

It has never been, and never will be easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination. – Marion Zimmer Bradley.

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out. – Vaclav Havel.

There is no need to try to bring about anarchy; if a government is truly flawed it will destroy itself in due time. – Philip Musical.

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. – Jacques Prevert.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. – Epicurus.

Love’s Return

Once more the blossoms bloom
O’er meadows sweet and fair.
Once more the sweet perfume
Of roses fills the air.
Once more the golden rays
Of summer’s sun appear.
Once more the gladsome days
Of love and joy are here.
The love that thrills the youth
Ambitions that so burn
Unto the heart, in truth,
Thru changing years return.
And with them joy of spring
Imbues a newer life.
And summer’s song-birds sing
Where raged dark storms of strife.
The heart that throbbed with pain
From wounds so sorely dealt,
No longer beats in vain
Or writhes in anguish felt.
For love again returns
And all life’s joys renew.
Emotion’s altar burns
More sacred and more true.

Colfax Burgoyne Harman

I have just found out that I have been “delinked” by a blogger. This came as rather a surprise as well, this blogger and I have always gotten along. I have contacted this person, apologized if I have offended them or angered them or said/done anything wrong on my blog to upset them.

Now I know my blog has been nothing but doom and gloom lately and not exactly a “fun” read. In fact, I’m quite sure I’m doing a fair deal of pissing people off in the blogosphere lately.

I am working very hard on trying to get things together. It may not appear so from my posts but I am. Instead of going back to bed today and wallowing in the muck and mire that is my brain, I am up and about and actually getting some things accomplished. I need to, I have to and I am also simultaneously trying to work some things out in my head. Trying. Trying very hard.

Ironically, I went to this blog for inspiration and well…*gasp*! Oh dear…look what I found instead.

So I hereby apologize to everyone for all the inane, depressing, choose-your-derogatory-adjective-of-choice writing on this blog of late. When I get better, it will get better. I promise.

I will be without internet access…well, soon. As of tomorrow basically but possibly even tonight. I will be back up hopefully next week. But if anyone out there is at all concerned, I will be fine.

EDIT: Relinked on person’s blog.  Had a good talk and everything is fine.

Well, I tried to speak to ex-partner last night when she came home.  I had taken the day off and spent significant portions of it fending off extreme suicidality, extreme crying jags and in between that, trying desperately to sleep.  I had a therapy appt. so of course missed that but I did speak to my therapist over the phone.  Yes, more and more about how my feelings are “natural” and “normal” but when you spend several hours viewing internet sites about the most effective ways to off yourself, what works and what doesn’t, methodology and then start cooking up in your head all the necessary arrangements you need to handle beforehand, (wills, possessions, all the various preparations…) Alright.  Not good.  I’m not just ruminating, I’m hyper-ruminating.  And even my therapist agrees.   So she gave me some crisis numbers and yes, we did discuss going inpatient…however…

Back to partner.  So yes, very hard for me to try to discuss these things.  And it always has been.  I hold things inside and unless, perhaps, it is with someone else who’s “been there” I might be persuaded to let things come out a little bit.  It’s probably for one reason because I know they will understand and I won’t feel so awful, alienated and just a whole hell of a lot worse than I already do.

So I “confessed” about the cutting (which always tends to upset her) and told her that I was really suicidal–I mean–beyond how I have ever felt before, and that I was actually considering a trip to the hospital.  At first, she said that it was up to me.  She also said that these feelings should be normal for me considering the situation?

Mmm’kay.  Alright, there’s normal sadness and then there is a point when the “sadness” becomes unbearable pain and too much and it hampers your ability to function–quite quickly where I am headed? This is already Day Two of no work and if I can get it together to make the move happen tomorrow it will be a bloody miracle.  I know that I have to or ex-partner will flip her lid.  I really don’t know how I’m going to do it as straight after this post I’m headed back to bed.

So thinking about going inpatient and what all of that would entail…would it really be worth it, do I need it…my head is so murky right now…everything’s spinning… A short while later (after I had gone to lie down–again) she came into the room and said that she didn’t mean to be selfish but she needed Saturday to happen.  Okay, I need to get OUT.  I guess any inpatient plans need to wait.

And apparently I am driving her further over the edge.  She slept on the couch last night.  This has never happened even in all the time we were together.  When I asked why, she told me that she is just too stressed out and can’t worry about “what she is going to find” when she gets home (i.e. me dead.)  This was also after me telling her that I was not going in to work for a second day.  I told her that it is actually really quite difficult to kill oneself and that I’m not going to do it.

“Oh, so I’ll just find you unconsicous then?” I told her no.

Then we argued some more about packing and things needing to get done and how I said I just was trying to express my feelings to her.  I was and am incredibly depressed, feel like I my body weighs about 400lbs. and yes…I will try to finish things up.  There’s really not much.  Just essentials that have to wait until the very end anyway?  And maybe I need another day off from work to try and conserve all the strength I can for tomorrow.

She said she could understand the latter.  But talking to me about the former…she is just not the right person under the circumstances.  That hurt.  I already have so few, if any, people in my life to talk to about being disordered, suicidality, self-harm and everything else that comes along with it.  I think she stopped short of saying that when I do move out then…maybe…? But I don’t know.

I hate being a burden on people but when I finally do open up…and then it doesn’t go over well…well, it just leaves you with nothing, doesn’t it?