I’m tired.  I’m not sleeping well.  Despite my hypnotic.  My anxiety levels have increased and I seem to have developed some slight feelings of agoraphobia and being “institutionalized.”  This has never happened before when I have been in the hospital. 

I went out yesterday afternoon and walked to the end of the property and just sort of looked at “the real world” hurtling by and it kind of freaked me out.  I couldn’t venture into it and just finished my cigarette and came straight back into the building.  God, even today when outside this morning I heard a gull laughing maniacally.  Even the birds are crazy here.

My floor isn’t bad, actually.  I am on the Mood and Anxiety Floor.  Everyone here is pretty calm and no one is screaming or freaking out so that is good.  It is quiet except when someone is blasting the TV too loud.  Then I just leave and go hide in my room.  My roomate is nice.  She is smart and doing a PhD. in Biochemistry and working on Alzheimers.  *sigh*…oh, why haven’t I even finished my BA.

She’s leaving tomorrow so who knows who will be sharing my room next.

I have found a couple of books to try and read.  One is entitled Anthropology and Art: Readings in Cross-Cultural Aesthetics and is a collection of essays by again, various smart people from the Hallowed Halls of Academia.  No doubt someone’s old university reading material.  That one may have to wait.  A little heavy.

I have also found a copy of Joshua Then and Now by Mordechai Richler. You can link to the book also in Wiki further down the page if you wish to read what it’s basically about. I’ve just started it but found one kind of interesting quote that was told to Joshua as a young boy from his uncle when he was getting into trouble.

“Life is a river we poor mortails sail on.  Now you can drift with the current, ending up in the weeds of malcontent with the rest of the flotsam.  Or dear Joshua, you can paddle your own canoe right through the storms of temptation into the ocean of plenty.”

They upped my Lamictal to 50mg.  Yay.


  1. The ‘Mood and Anxiety Floor’? Is this some kind of mental health palace? Sounds a bit Willy Wonka to me. do you have oompa loompas singing cheery songs as well?

    I want to be in Canada…

    Keep it unreal PA.

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  2. Hi, gloomy…yes this place is HUGE. It’s entirely dedicated to psych stuff. Not like going into a hospital where you just go to a certain wing/floor.

    I’ve never been here before so I was rather scared. Some people that come here are in very rough shape and well…wow. It’s known for being a “crazy palace” but not necessarily in a good way? But at least maybe I’m in a better part of it? Or maybe that’s just a stereotype…or again, maybe I’m just in a better part of it. With the more stable nutters?

    It will be going under some major architectural renovations and getting a super makeover or something I read over the next few years…but hopefully some of that money will also go into services as well? I may need to come back some day…ahhhh!

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  3. SJK

    the not sleeping well.yup been there.
    oddly at the moment,i seem to have tonnes of energy on hardly any sleep at all..i wake at like 2 or 3 in the mornin(goin to sleep around midnight)and i am like good to go.i am tidyin up da house,surfin,readin books,watchin DVDs,listenin to music etc.
    your comments about the “real world”seem familiar .
    some times i feel almost like i am goin along in a dream,or summat.like i am in a perspex bubble just floatin along.and that at any moment the world could just disappear.
    like in those old Warner Bros cartoonns,bugs bunny/daffy duck,where they are goin along and the film runs out of the projector.
    this is soundin a bit stoopid ,so i will end ma post now.

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  4. Hye SJK, no your comment doesn’t sound stupid! That’s one of the things about being disordered or having a mental illness. It’s up and down and always unpredictable. This is one of the things I have learned over the years and unfortunately I do take my periods of stability for granted. Not that I don’t enjoy them and think that they are great and good and still something to strive for…it’s just sometimes too easy to realize and remember that it’s always a fine balancing act.

    On the other hand, I don’t want to sound all doom and gloom and that we all have “life sentences” but for most of us, it really is managing a chronic illness.

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