Archive for April 29th, 2007


I’m trying to remember a phrase from a movie I just watched but I can’t seem to remember anything lately.  My brain is mush.  It was a Brit/Scots term(?) and I can’t find it on the internet.  But it’s perfect for my completely disaffected face right now.  My facial expression hasn’t changed in several hours.  Something about the wind blowing? Maybe it’s not even a “real” expression but the way it was delivered made it sound so.

I shouldn’t have even watched the damn movie.  Someone rented it and there was nothing else to do so whatever? But it was rather triggery.  Bugger.

I should have known to avoid it but I was thinking, it’s only a movie… and yes, it is and was but when your mind isn’t up to par…everything can be triggery.  I will work on forgetting it.  It’s fiction and even though it bears some relationship to aspects of my life…forget about it.

Bugger again.

Ex-partner came today with some things/essentials and that was difficult.  Or maybe it wasn’t.  Or maybe it wasn’t at the time but it became so later.  I was still out of it because of the morning Seroquel and kind of non-functional.  Or certainly not at full capacity.  I needed to take care of some banking and I could barely write my damn cheques.  It took me forever to get it together.  She is handling the rest for me.  I feel so completely incapacitated and incapable.  She stayed for a bit and we talked.  She asked how long I would be staying here and I simply said I had no idea.  I just felt so pathetic. 

This hospitalization is so different from what I’ve experienced before.  I didn’t “do” anything to get here (i.e. suicide attempt, self harm etc…)  Agreed, that is a good thing and yes, I did a voluntary before where I just waltzed in and said, “Here I am! I’m messed up!” but I only stayed a week.  Tomorrow/tonight will be a week since I was thrown into the ambulance and carted away.  And I am not ready to go home yet.  Not by a long shot.

An inpatient and a visiting outpatient (his friend) knew what was up after ex-partner left and persuaded me to go out with them.  Time to tackle the agoraphobia! So we went for some drinks (non-alcoholic, don’t worry) and I finally had some real tea.  Did I mention that they concoct some sort of “powdered tea” here? I’m absolutely dying because I love my tea.  And I think both the coffee and tea are decaffeinated.  Great.

So we sat around talking and I tried so very hard not to think of my normal life and going back to it–now that I was out of the confines of the hospital and actually out in the real world.  They were and are kind guys and kept checking on my anxiety levels.  Nothing like fellow nutters to understand.

We went to some shops.  Some crazy place that sold a variety of stuffed things and “funky” baby clothes and just a lot of kitsch, I guess and then to a second hand, “supposed” vintage clothing store.  I like second hand stores and vintage shops and sometimes you can find some neat things in them.  Although this one was quite lacking. 

We were gone for over three hours and it completely exhausted me.  Then we watched the “damn movie” and that didn’t add to my already plummeting mood. 

I feel like I have taken some steps backward.  I am feeling extremely non-communicative, almost to the point of becoming non-verbal but when people address me I am saying something.  I did speak to my nurse today finally after dinner as we had not had a chance to “check in” all day.

I need to call my sister shortly.  She has suggested that I call my/our mother and tell her that I have gone to the loony bin as it’s possibly a step in the right direction of bringing more of the family bullshit to the fore.  My mother always evades my mental illness subject matter when I talk about it but seeing as I have now tackled the issue (with rather strange yet not catastrophic results) of my birth father with her, maybe it’s time to let her know that I’ve thown myself into hospital.

I do not know.  I do not know if this will help or it will stress me out further.  I don’t think a visit from her would be a good idea–good lord they’d probably lock her up and we’d become roommates?! No, I’m sure they must have some sort of regulation about family members being kept separate…

Anyway, I’d better try and get prepared to try and “talk” and make some sense to my sister.  I really don’t feel like talking to anyone though. 

Oh and you’re all probably wondering about the “damn movie.”  It was called ‘Dear Frankie’ and about a boy who doesn’t know his birth father and his mother goes to great lengths to make him think he’s “out there” and in communication with him.  Finally she hires a stranger to meet with her son out of necessity and he falls for him and blah, blah, blah…  That’s the sort of beginning but in the end the kid knows he’s not his real dad.  Whatever.  It was an alright movie–not great cinema for sure but considering I don’t know my birth father? Uh huh.


Well, we had some more excitement last night.

Last week I missed some sort of floor meeting as I was seeing my psychiatrists.  I guess I have two but only one really speaks to me.  The other just sort of sits and observes, perhaps makes recommendations and there is usually some form of student/resident/in UK terms maybe some level of House Officer? Anyway, lots of people looking at me.

So I walked in about five minutes before it ended which was probably a good thing as apparently they handed out “chores” for the ward.  Now, not that PA doesn’t like to or won’t pitch in and help but really, she’s here to get well, not participate in some sort of mental boot camp.  But really, there’s not a lot to do so it wasn’t that bad from what I gather.

One of the things was to clean up one of the lounges and clean out the fridge.  Yes, we have a fridge for people to put their own food in etc…  Well Funny Gay Guy decided to kindly take that over for another older man who just wasn’t feeling up to it.  He did this last night.  I was on the computer (typically) and had no idea what on earth he was doing, having missed this part of the meeting.  I just thought he had a worse case of ants in his pants than me! But no matter, I was just laughing at him–or his behaviour.

So we sat down afterward and this ancient nurse comes in and looks in the garbage and starts screaming! FGG had thrown out a bunch of equally ancient oranges that had been in the crisper drawer for who knows how long.

The nurse from somewhere, perhaps an old Eastern Bloc country(?) started shouting very loudly, “Only in Canada! Never in Europe! This would only happen only in Canada! There are starving children in Europe!!!” On and on she went! “Don’t ever throw anything out ever again! No, no, no! Never again!”

Well, FGG would have none of it.  I mean, we all could have just sat there mute and claimed ignorace but he started yelling back that he was told to do it, the oranges were rotten and on it ensued.  I couldn’t hold it anymore and started giggling again and probably looked equally as “guilty” in her eyes.

She started digging all of the oranges out of the garbage can and the entire scene just got more bizarre.  I thought, rather slowly because I’m a little impaired right now, but thought it nonetheless: what is she going to do with the oranges? They were in the garbage? Give them back to us? Send them to Europe?

Another nurse came in and told her that she couldn’t take them OUT of the garbage once they were already put in there.  I agreed in my head.  Not a good thing.  You usually don’t eat things out of the trash.

FGG was still not done.  He marched out to the Nurses’ Station and I so wanted to follow but I kept my ass glued to the couch.  He returned and I asked him what happened.  He said he got an apology.  Wow, I thought.

We continued laughing about it and I told him how it reminded me of some parents telling their children to eat all their dinner as there are starving children in Africa and how it just doesn’t make sense.  I mean, there are starving people right outside our front door.  Literally.  I suppose we could have given the rotten fruit to them if we’d been more inclined but the oranges were bad! What do we need, food poisoning and upset tummies? Digging oranges out of the garbage!

*PA shakes head*

One nurse tried to give FGG his meds early and he was like…WTF?! They’re trying to put me to bed early and get rid of me!? Again, we just laughed.  He nicknamed the crazy old “Save The Oranges Nurse” Granny Gumball, for which reasons unexplainable to me, I find ridiculously funny.  Again, everything is funny here.  I can barely type this post I am laughing so hard.

Now this morning, after breakfast, again let’s all go outside and smoke up (oh, wait…not that way) and on the way back in, a Schizophrenic woman accosted me in the elevator and started kissing me all over the cheek and hugging me! Oh no! I mean, I can handle any disordered person but I need my personal space–most especially while I am in here–and if it’s not someone I trust…someone I even know? Yikes.  I’m okay if I am comfortable with the person, I can be  touched again if I feel comfortable with them but  it depends who they are.  Just not everyone right now.

I mean, she was lovely and kind and telling me how wonderful I was and all of that but she was obviously very disinhibited.  She kissed another man’s hand who was with us but it seems little PA got the brunt of all her affection–the whole shebang.  I used some of the disinfectant hand wash as soon as I got up to the floor to clean myself off.  I know that sounds terrible as the woman actually looked in pretty good shape but you never know?

I think she may be confusing me with someone else? I’m not entirely sure but I did see her yesterday and she said that we had spoken (we had not) and that I had given her matches (I had not.)  However, she kept going on and on about how wonderful and sweet I was even though we never knew each other.

I spoke to my nurse about it.  I wasn’t completely freaked out about it but for both her safety (someone else might pop her one if she tries it with them) and for mine (I don’t need a stalker) she’s going to call down to their ward and just let them know.  I don’t know her name but I gave them her description.  Actually, maybe she did tell me her name, maybe not but if she did, I was so overwhelmed by the whole situation, I’ve completely forgotten it.  I’m bad with names anyway under the best of circumstances.

So yes…so far everyone’s just kept to themselves from other wards but leave it to me to be a “crazy magnet!”

HA! FGG can see my blog and is laughing at the title.  He’s the funniest crack addict I know.  Well, he’s the only crack addict I know?