Crankiness, Contraband Showering and Conquering Agoraphobia…Again…Etc…


The floor is weird today. The nursing staff is…cranky. Not nice and…well, maybe I was just getting used to a different flow, different staff…is it because it’s Monday? God, I even got yelled at for waltzing into the nurses’ station as we’d/I’d been doing in the past to ask questions. Indeed, it is “The Nurses’ Station” but hell, we’ve all been doing it or at least some us have.

And I don’t really like my nurse today. Whatever. You can’t have it all and have them like my dear S.

We seem to have “lost” Funny Gay Guy. He’s just not on the floor. He didn’t have off-off ward priviledges last time I checked so did he go AWOL? His mood was bad after we returned from our jaunt yesterday. He didn’t want to talk to anyone and seemed to pull an emotional 180. I am concerned. I left a note on his bed.

Ex-partner is funny. I looked in my case and found some of my Ralph Lauren (Polo to be precise) dress shirts. I always say, “It’s not a Fashion Show” when you go inpatient. You’re supposed to look like hell. That’s the point. You feel like it so lay about in your bloody pyjamas all day if you want to. Sure, getting dressed is “progress” and it can make you feel better but if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to.

So since they were there and I felt like such a piece of crap yesterday, I decided to shower and actually wear one of them today. Which brings me to my shower. I asked ex-partner to bring me my razor as I really needed (well wanted) to shave badly! I’m not really a hairy person (like you all care) but it was driving me crazy! Now I should turn in my razor to the nurses’ station but I just don’t give a shit. Certainly not for my own safety but for someone elses? I’m not about to go on a mass cutting spree with my Gillette Triple Blade Sensor…it wouldn’t do a good job anyway *rolls eyes* But ironically, someone pointed out to me that they have mirrors in the closets in some of the rooms here. How odd for anyone who really loses it–or might lose it? I mean, just smash that and instant shards of glass.

Maybe I’ll turn it in, maybe I won’t. I haven’t decided. I guess you could say I’m “in a mood” today. PA is not happy.

So I met with my psychiatrists and well…they are still trying to get me out in the real world. They have no problem prescribing me whatever I need–be it more Lamictal or Seroquel–but they don’t seem to know in what direction to head. But they want to know how anxiety provoking it is for me to handle going outside and “dealing with life” if you will. So “doctor’s orders” were to again go outside and do something. Fine.

I went back to the same cafe today and had some tea. Again, anxiety provoking and I kind got a little confused crossing the street with the lights (I think I’m still Seroquel impaired or I’m just basically completely retarded right now *laughing at self*) and had to run across the street lest I got run over. It’s okay, everyone’s used to pedestrians being dumb/arrogant here but you still need to be careful of aggressive drivers or ones that don’t pay attention.

So I had my tea, had a look through one of the local gay rags that I haven’t read in ages and then came back here for a Recreational Activity. Big mistake but there’s nothing else to do except go hang out in my room. Which I shall probably do after this. Or maybe a movie. Or take a nap. Or curl up in a ball in a corner. Or try and find the little mouse that has now taken up residence here (he was joining me at the computer last night but I couldn’t coax him out to play–too bad.)

So the Rec. thing was knitting and beading. Well I’d rather poke my eye out with the needle than attempt to learn knitting. I know my manual dexterity levels are not up for that. Never have been; never will be. I have tried beading in the past so I thought I could make myself a funky bracelet. Beats the ones they admit you with? Which I have taken off by the way. I thought I’d go with the Self Harm Awareness colours of black and orange but no luck in the colour selection department. So some blue ones: solid and others with some sort of Asian motifs.

Well, I just about had it done (painfully…I am still so whacked out on the Seroquel and it’s making my motor skills even worse) so I checked to see if it would fit over my hand to get it onto my wrist. POW! Flying beads everywhere! The thing completely exploded. Knew the whole exercise would be a bad idea. Completely futile.

“Leave it to the experts,” I said as I walked out of the room. It was only myself and the Rec. Therapist so it wasn’t terribly embarrassing. Not that I really care. Too tired. Too irritable.

I’ve been trying to read. In doing so, I’ve decided that my writing stinks. Well, it certainly does now as I’m just sort of filing these mundane “daily reports” but they’re not very colourful, descriptive, emotive etc… But even beyond me being here…my writing still stinks.

Someone recently told me that they thought I would make a good journalist? Thank you, dear person, for that but I actually don’t like journalistic writing. Stylistically. I understand why it needs to be done in that way–accessibility for the wider audience but I don’t like the “Five Ws.”

I even briefly started down that path as well but at the risk of revealing too much about myself(?) I received a really shitty mark in the course because the man teaching it knew me. Or at least I suspect this was the reason. There really wasn’t anything wrong with what I wrote. The course was subjective! How could my articles be wrong if everything was covered–and concise, adhered to by instruction etc…? And copy editors chop up and mangle and alter unbelievably what reporters write anyway–trust me.

Okay, woo! Seroquel apparently makes me ramble in my posts? It’s funny because I do not feel like talking at all but I guess I just feel like typing? Blogging?

*brain goes pffft*

I think I need to rest a bit. I’m pissed off at being forced to go out when I’m so tired and I *know* I need to “get better”–I know that more than anyone in here–but I’m so exhausted…and yes, still full of a great deal of anxiety.


  1. SJK

    i hate to say it ,but i get the feeling they are trying to get you back out into society,whether you are ready or not.
    this seems to be the way with loadsa hospitals now.
    targets to be met,seemingly more important than the patients wellfare.

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  2. Hi SJK, you could be right although they are pretty good here. I think? It may be that they are trying to simply strike a balance somehow between trying to rehabilitate and not letting people just waste away. I’m not really sure.

    I know there are drains on the system and other people need beds and all of that but I don’t necessarily think that they are trying to give me the bum’s rush or anything. I don’t think they would ever “tell” me to go if I wasn’t ready. But perhaps since I am maybe not falling apart all over the place they might be pushing a bit harder? Yes, that’s what I get for my “sane face.” Well, it’s “Seroquel Face” right now but whatever. Either way, I’m not having and grand flip outs–maybe I need to?

    I really don’t know but I think they are just pushing me in some way to try harder. It’s pissing me off though as I don’t like people pushing me. PA can be very stubborn!

    What I do know is that I did not feel all that comfortable going out today and will say just as much tomorrow.

    And as far as my nurse for today goes, I take it all back. She’s actually very nice and maybe this morning was just a bad morning for everyone. Or maybe she’s happier now as she’s ending her shift soon haha.

    Anyway, she even offered me Ativan/Lorazepam prn if things get bad. Too bad it’s like candy for me but I suppose if I want to feel like a pill popping junkie I could always ask? I remember just taking it for the hell of it during so many other stays along with everyone else. We would just line up like cattle–Ativan Time!

    Actually, I may need something else to definitely calm me the hell down. We’ve got a really bad one who’s just been admitted. She’s…I haven’t even got the words for her but they’d better settle her soon or I’ll start losing it.

    PA is sympathetic, absolutely but PA needs to get well.

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  3. It’s gotta be hard when the staff is collectively NOT in a good space.

    Been thinking of you and hoping you are doing better each day.

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  4. The phrase “Nurse’s Station” takes on a “Fort Apache: The Bronx” connotation in a mental ward at times, doesn’t it?

    Friend of mine kept her cell phone for three days while locked up — a real record. They took it away on the pretense that it interfered with the telemetry in the other wards.

    Wow, your rec teaches you something USEFUL? Cool! Don’t know that I would put much effort into knitting, but it sounds like a better activity than making collages of how you feel.

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  5. “I asked ex-partner to bring me my razor” – Wha? How about an electric one! I know you have sense PA, but what the heck?
    I can understand how you would probably be feeling though…I can’t stand that..I have to be smooth and smell good. I don’t shave much anymore…Bet that got your attention. :O Yep, got sick of it. I bought a great little wonder, that you plug in and it works like waxing, only quicker and I think less painful. Rips ’em out by the roots. No stubble, great for the bikini area. ;) It’s called an emjoi optima and no, I don’t work for the company, or own stock in it. It lasts as long as waxing too.
    Hope you take the time you need to get what you need PA.
    Best to you.

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  6. Oh, CA!…attention indeed! HAHA! You’re funny. I don’t like electric razors. I’ve never found one that works well enough. But maybe they’ve improved? I prefer men’s razors. Much better. And no problems with the bikini area etc… with razors for me. I also have a tip for ingrown hairs if anyone out there has a problem with that. Use a bit of DRY not roll-on antiperspirant around your bikini line right after you shave and no ingrown hairs!

    Okay, now that everyone knows about PA’s and CA’s shaving habits *rolls eyes*

    I had a wax once with disastrous results! NEVER AGAIN. Something went terribly wrong and I couldn’t sit down (well I could but it was excrutiating) for a week! No, I’ll take care of that area (and all others) myself from now on…

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  7. Does the dry anti-p trick work for under the chin? (Few people realize that you have to shave that area if you have a beard.)

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  8. Hi Deb, good to hear from you and thanks for your thoughts. Yes, sometimes it is hard to get used to the rotations and changes and when sometimes you have a good rotations of staff and you like them and a flurry of new staff comes in and they aren’t as helpful it really throws off the balance.

    Hi, Joel, yes I’ve been in some places where the “Nurses’ Station” has been a Supreme Fortress and I’ve been surpised that it hasn’t been surrounded by a moat and secured by drawbridges and armed horsemen. Utterly ridiculous.

    You could try the antiperspirant trick anywhere on your body, really. I don’t see why not. I just know that for a lot of women, the biggest and most sensitive area for ingrown hairs is the bikini line and it can be a real pain. Just a little piece of “trivia” I’ve picked up–yes my brain is full of (debatably) useful knowledge?

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