Archive for May, 2007

Busy morning…psychiatrists actually calling back! Haven’t had a chance to get around to writing this…anyway…

Have you ever written a letter to someone and never sent it? I believe I have but possibly only once. It was under my therapist’s suggestion so I tried to write one to my mother. It didn’t make much sense–probably like this post. It was just spewing a lot of anger and venting but it lacked any sort of cohesive thought or flow–again, probably like this post.

I was thinking about this whole idea last night. I’m not sure why but maybe it was triggered by talking to “crazy psychiatrist” yesterday and the mere mention of non-biological father. We are not on speaking terms right now. It bothers PA, it hurts her, it angers her.

Then there are the “absentee friends” that she has blogged about. People that she simply can not rely upon. Two of which she is still awating calls from since she has been discharged! Hello! I was on the funny farm for two weeks! Now I’m home…would you care to speak to me please? And yes, these people know of mental illness. One has Unipolar Depression and ADD and the other, a rather transient form of Unipolar Depression, Cancer and she has tried to kill herself when the depression has been at its worst. So yes, they understand. And they have even visited me in hospital (well, during her first admission.) This bothers PA too. It hurts her but it does not anger her. Rather, it really confuses her.

So somehow she managed to get on this track about communication and not being able to communicate with people and voila! The whole idea of writing a letter to someone and never sending it. I suppose there could be many reasons why you would do this. Again, my example above as a type of journaling exercise. Perhaps you are upset, afraid, angry or are feeling that the letter will be too emotionally loaded so you really don’t want to send it due to the repercussions, perhaps you actually can’t reach the person in a physical sense (i.e. you don’t know where they are or do not have their address?), perhaps you can’t reach them in an emotional sense (i.e. you’ve had a falling out or again, they are not speaking to you), perhaps they are no longer alive. There might be more reasons but that’s about all I can come up with at the moment.

I think it’s very different to sit down and compose a letter. Like right now as I write this post. I can take the time to choose my words carefully, go back and edit, re-edit, if I don’t like something, I can easily change it. Not so easily done with a conversation. Once the words are out of your mouth it can be very hard to take them back. Sure, you can backpedal a bit or you can apologize but again, once the other person hears those words, they’ll stick. Mark “my words.”

So yes, I think I have a problem with this. I think I have a feeling that if I can’t actually speak (or even write) to the person then it’s just not worth it. If my words can’t actually reach them and make their intended impact then why bother. They are already in my head as thoughts; I don’t find or feel it therapeutic to actually put them down on paper. Maybe that’s another reason why I’ve never found journaling very helpful.

Perhaps I am wrong, however. PA is never afraid of admitting when she is wrong, absolutely not! Maybe she should get out some paper and a pen (black ink, remember *grin*) and start some letter writing to the people that aren’t talking to her–and maybe even the people that are–in her life.

I can’t even count how many phone calls I have just made in the last two hours to psychiatrists.


Okay, I know…I’m losing it.  Or have lost it.

The good news is I have an appointment with someone on June 11.  Everyone: pray, cross your fingers and toes, burn incense, jump over twigs that have been strategically placed in a certain fashion in the forest…I don’t care! Let’s just hope this is the right guy.

Oh dear. It’s happened again. I just returned from my “prospective” new psychiatrist, D.’s “crazy uncle” (that’s a joke if you haven’t been following along–they have the same last name but aren’t related) and Oh.My.Fucking.God. I don’t know where to begin but it’s happened again.

PA, “the naughty little school girl” who got a spanking from him last time for being late (oooh, that would be some unethical therapy) arrived on time–early in fact so we sat down for about a half hour. He took an even briefer history than the second man in the link above. He told me that he would not be right for me as he is semi-retired and takes a lot of vacation. Well, isn’t that nice for him! He also said that due to so many hospitalizations I was more suited to “emergency care.” I have no idea what this means. At least he didn’t pull the same comment out of his ass last time about me needing to be hospitalized again within a few months’ time.

I explained to him again that, no, I needed ongoing outpatient care. He said that where I had been hospitalized they should be providing that for me. Okay, now we’re almost reaching the argument stage as I told him that they were not willing to provide me that. And even if they would, I’ve been hospitalized over the course of eight years! I suppose I could go back and try but we’ve already attempted at two! There’s only one left and the psychiatrists there were horrendous!

We reviewed my history as stated above and he actually seemed more interested in my seizures. Why I have no idea as this man is a psychiatrist, not a neurologist. We then moved on to my meds. I didn’t have my med chart with me that states every bloody drug that I’ve been on, for how long, the side effects they’ve given me (yes, PA is anal or thorough, take your pick as she made it herself.)  I told him that I’d been on every Antidepressant of every class except the Tricyclics and she can not take Antidepressants or she’ll go completely nuts (well, not in those words–they just make her cycle like mad.) He asked about my family but just if they were alive and how old they were–nothing other than that. Well, why the hell ask about them then?! Family health history is always relevant!

I asked about the ADD and his thoughts about stimulants (yes, PA is persistent in her quest for something to help her focus dammit!) This is pretty much where the conversation ended. And this is the kicker. A bullet right between the eyes, I tell you.

He told me that he was not very familiar with the meds I’m on. Excuse me? You are a psychiatrist aren’t you? In fact, he did have to ask me what Cobazam/Frisium was. It’s in the benzodiezapine class but is not used for sleep/anxiety, strictly as a seizure adjunct. But still! He mentioned meds, plural! He told me that I was, yes, basically too complicated a case and I should be seeing someone with a better a psychopharmacological knowledge base.

*PA hangs head in utter disconsolateness*


I apologize for screaming but it’s really not! I could probably do it myself but I’m not allowed to!

He gave me a couple of names of people he suggested I call. Now if all of the above wasn’t extremely ridiculous enough, he took them out of the telephone directory! I have conducted a search of them on our website within the province that shows both active and inactive physicians of all types and I can’t find either one. What on earth?

I called my GP. She is busy and I was told to call back a bit later this afternoon. It looks like I am to go back to cold calling doctors again myself?

Are there any psychiatrists/psychopharmacologists out there reading my blog that would be willing to manage me with online consults? I’ve listed my meds, my conditions but I’ll happily go over everything again. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

This is getting quite unbelievable. I think I need some tea.

I was thinking this morning while getting up, feeding kitty, making my tea, etc… just how lucky I am to work where I do. How many others out there do not have a workplace where it is acceptable to be mentally ill and be so open about it, to have it taken so freely, to have the benefits to stay off on a sick leave and get paid full salary as I am, to stay off work for a further period if it is deemed necessary (sort of like a Short Term Disability and still get paid…) I mean, sure there may exist within the company some individuals that might possess some negative feelings about it but by and large, my company as a whole does not stigmatize people who are mentally ill.

That is huge! In this day and age, there are still people that have to cross huge bridges and jump major barriers to deal with mental illnesses and that is if they actually choose to be honest about them. The rest, they hide. They bear the brunt of the fear and shame for risk of losing their jobs, their friends, who knows what else?

I posted earlier about being fired before. I never went into great detail in this post but I covered the basics. And I went on to complain a little bit about how it made me feel and how I was bitter about it. I still am. I know that sometimes bitter feelings may not be good for you and you learn to move on and forget about things and maybe I have a bit but it still hurts me and haunts me to this day.

I never went into the actual reason they fired me. It was lateness. I know, petty. But they had every right to do it. We worked on very tight shifts and timeliness was important. But PA with her sleeping problems made getting up in the mornings sometimes difficult. I drove at the time and sometimes traffic was also a problem. There was even an accident I couldn’t avoid and that was counted. They were so sticky about it even one minute was counted as a “strike.” So many strikes and you were “out” to use a baseball metaphor. Well, eventually, that was it.

What did them in, however was their computer software for keeping track of the time! Oh, I had to laugh at that one. They didn’t go the old fashioned route of using time cards or anything like that which certainly was more reliable. No, they had to be all smart and “with the times” but they purchased a really bad shareware program and PA had worked with it and knew it was so bad. They actually had no records to prove my lateness when it all came down to arguing the case!

Still, it would have been hard to prove elsewhere that it was in fact the whole illness matter that was the true cause of my dismissal. There were no real records of that. Even today, it would still be hard though times have changed with Human Rights here and our Charter of Rights and Freedoms Act. Oh well, it’s in the past.

I often think how things would have been different as I quit university and decided to take that job full time. What would I have become? I imagine myself in the Hallowed Halls of Academia with my Ph.D (or heaven forbid even that M.D.!) or pursuing some other profession even though it might have been difficult to get there. But I’m getting off track.

I had been at that job for nine years though. I was trying to leave as there was nowhere else for me to go but I was hit by a preemptive “strike.” That’s a pretty long time in this now current world or job/career changes hither and yon. I have now been in my current position seven years. Let’s hope I stay there and I am not forced to move on to another workplace that is not so sympathetic to my health issues. I think I should be okay where I currently am.

We have come a long way in terms of awareness and acceptance, though. I can feel it. There are tremendous advocates out there but we still have a long way to go.

Wow, she’s actually been hungry today! Nothing huge ingested, no nine course dinner mind you but food nonetheless. Let’s not force things and remember, sometimes it still hurts to eat. Still, rather interesting. She can’t remember the last time she’s actually had an appetite. Let’s hope that going out and spending copious amounts of money on expensive toys has nothing to do with it (see post below–Extended Vacation.) I mean, that would be lots of fun and really great as PA would be eating but in actuality, not so great for the bank account. *grin*

Well, I popped down to work this morning to meet with our OHS nurse. I was nervous and felt very nauseous. Perhaps that was a sign? We talked for about an hour. It seems she feels that I am not fit to return to work *laughing* Oh dear…just when PA was getting all prepared to head back next week. Well, it looks like I’ll be able to enjoy some more time off? I actually did start to laugh in her office. I’m not quite sure why but it was just sort of an automatic reaction to how ludicrous my life seems right now. Racing back and forth to appointments, titrating meds, still wondering if I need to tinker with them, trying to gauge how I’m feeling, scrutinizing every little thing about myself it seems *sigh*…

I have mixed feelings about this woman. She tends to sort of have this air about her that she knows everything. She really doesn’t. Well, I mean nobody does but you all understand what I’m saying, right? PA knows more than most doctors (or so some people have told her–I’m not being egotistical, really.) So PA told this nurse all about her psych/neuro profile, her meds…blah, blah, blah… The woman was actually pretty good and said she needed to do some research. Again, PA’s so complicated she’s confusing everyone! HA! I love it when I confuse medical professionals. It makes me proud.

Also, we have a doctor that comes in where I work, I think once a week? She is going to consult with him to see if he knows of any psychiatrists that may be taking new patients. I am to go back next week and meet with them both. That is good. PA needs all the resources she can get right now.

After that, I went upstairs to see, well, one of my bosses–my more senior boss. She’s great. We chatted for a bit and I brought her up to speed. We hugged and I was off. I didn’t really feel like talking to my colleagues although I certainly could have. They are a stellar group and they all care about me. I’ve even received a couple of phone calls from them wondering where on earth I have been. The one person I spoke to I told, of course. I’m honest at work about my illnesses, being gay etc…

So after I left, I went to fill my Lamictal prescription. I popped a pill right in the middle of the drugstore. Okay, time to get well! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself after that. I walked around the downtown core a bit…hmmm, oh yes, I need to get my Driver’s License changed. It still has my old address. Let’s do that. I still need to take care of a lot of personal administrivia.

Oh, I know! Time for some retail therapy! And I know just what I want…

PA decided to spend the remainder of her inheritance that she received from her mother recently (and maybe a little bit more haha.) So she bought a Digital SLR camera! Oh it’s lovely…now she just has to figure out how to use it.

Ex-partner had a digital camera but it was somewhat small and not an SLR. It was good and sort of mimiced an SLR in style but it was too small! PA can’t hold cameras that are too small! And certainly not those itty bitty digital cameras! Now PA is small, yes but she’s not itty bitty. Well, maybe relatively but no matter.

I’ve had SLR cameras ever since I was 14 years old. I am used to them and they fit very comfortably in my hands. I like the size and the weight of them. They just feel good and right. Yes, I am very tactile. And especially with something like photography, if you’re shooting with something that you can’t manipulate properly or see through or whatever, do you really think it’s going to work or you’re going to produce anything? Not that I may produce anything decent anyway…

I spoke to the gentleman there and couldn’t decide between a Canon or a Nikon. I’ve owned Nikons all my life. I’ve had three of them (just upgraded as the technology improved.) I still have my film one (an F601 for any camera buffs out there) and he suggested I trade it in to save some money but no way. I still love my film! I’ve always actually wanted my own darkroom but really, you can do it in your bathroom if you want to. I’ve just never gotten around to actually trying it. So I opted to just go with what I know. He said there wasn’t much difference; it was just personal preference. Also, the one Nikon I purchased was the only one that came as a package with the lens included. All of the others? You had to buy the damn lens on top of the body. I think that made my decision a bit easier.

But then of course there were the memory cards. There was a sale so I got two 1GB. That should cover me for a few hundred pics? I guess I’d better get out there and start shooting. I can’t have that many of my cat! I suppose I could do some self-portraits? Oh dear, PA is not that vain. And now I need Mac Guru to get his ass down here and install PhotoShop? The software they give you with the cameras is generally pretty useless. So perhaps if I actually do shoot anything that doesn’t look like crap, I’ll dump it into Flickr and widget it up here.

And note to D. If you want to take that vacation, I can still pull it off haha. It’s got to wait until I finish all of that outpatient jazz anyway. I’ve more vacation time than I know what to do with and well, not more money than I know what to do with but again, shouldn’t be a problem? *goofy grin*

Always good to vent your spleen on your own blog right? I almost feel physically ill about that last one as I usually blog in a very detached manner and don’t really talk about my feelings so much here.  It’s mostly about my illnesses and how they have impacted me but no matter.

So, onwards and upwards, then…

Perhaps it was rather crappy because I had just arisen from a nap and I needed to clear the cobwebs from my head. I think I still do.

In a rather hazy dream-like state, I think(?) I became aware of something. This is very difficult to blog about. Edit: and there were tears.

I am sort of regretting placing that personal ad. Sort of. On the one hand, I am desperately (well, perhaps that’s rather harsh) trying to reach out and meet people. But maybe the word isn’t so harsh as it is hard for me to do so. I really tend to isolate myself and it is difficult for me to be social–well perhaps not once I do finally meet the people. That’s just the hurdle–getting there. But it’s not just “meeting people.” It’s meeting women or perhaps “a woman.”

When ex-partner and I broke up, I thought I would need “time to heal” and all of that. That I would never consider myself able to handle another relationship, that I was “damaged goods”…on and on it went. Ironically, ex-partner made some rather off the cuff comment about, “the next time…” or when I was with someone else in the future. I just looked at her with an unamused, sarcastic expression. I can’t even remember if I verbally replied.

Well, look who’s back in the running? Who knows exactly how long it takes for one to heal from the end of one relationship to another? It’s different for all circumstances. I didn’t know how long this mourning period would take. It’s been…well, a little over two months since we ended our relationship and a little over a month since I moved out. That may seem rather brief but you have to remember that we were essentially living as friends or roommates for…wow…a long time. With no romantic feelings for such a huge period, that may shrink the mourning time and allow my heart to open up–or certainly a bit faster?

And yet, I still have my doubts. This is where I think the entire thing was a grand mistake. I mean, I really put it up as a joke. I never thought anyone would respond! D. has and maybe a couple of others. Some I would never take seriously.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve freaked D. out. On a few levels. Well, what can I say…I am who I am and she respects that. But it’s got me thinking about the whole thing and whether it’s even a good idea at all. I’m very tempted just to yank the damn ad off the site. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days–really wrestling with it.

So what of my dream-like vision, or feeling rather? Well, it was strange. It was just such a strong and overwhelming urge for affection. It made me think about all of those ads and reading them…sex, sex, sex…at least in the one section. I mean, sex is great, for sure but…hmmm…well, it is possible to have both I suppose–sex and affection? That’s the ideal!

But when I woke up, I realized one very key thing. After feeling that extremely strong and intense desire to be held and cuddled by someone I woke up and knew that I am a very lonely person.

Well, it looks like I will be starting the outpatient program the week of June 04. I could have done it this week, but I suck*. And I still want to enjoy the rest of my time off doing as little as possible–basically sitting around sucking* some more. And I have a couple of appointments that are going to suck too.

We will be upping the Lamictal to 125mg so hopefully that will help me suck* less.

Maybe I should change the new Tag/Category to PA sucks*?

Yes D., welcome to public displays of self-loathing and anger and pessimism (you’ve already seen embarrassment.) Although I’ve probably been more ranty and harder on myself somewhere on this blog? If not, it’s only because I suck*.

How strange to write a rather optimistic post on the weekend and now be so grumpy, eh? As you said, “People suck.” I know, I know…a different context but believe me…I sure feel like I’m sucking* in a big way right now.

And I think I must be sucking* too as I haven’t garnered any comments lately.  I know that a) it’s Memorial Day Weekend in the US so people are busy there and b) comments can tend to come in waves but nothing over the last couple of days when usually there is always something.

Hmmm.  Maybe people have finally gotten tired of all of my whinging and come to the conclusion that PA sucks*.

* – All references above to myself sucking are not valid…I know don’t really suck…I’m just having a bit of a crappy day.  However, my appointments may still very well suck and well, unfortunately some people do suck so we’ll just leave it at that.


Alright, that was pretty stupid. The stimulant effect of the alcohol kept me awake until oh…a little after 0500hrs. So basically, I may as well have flushed my sleep meds down the toilet. I almost decided to stay up and watch the sun rise but decided to just go to bed instead. And of course, my built in mental alarm clock woke me up at approximately 0800hrs or shortly thereafter. I got up and fed the cat. I took my morning meds and went back to sleep–or tried to. Maybe got another couple of hours and then tossed and turned for another hour.

As one of my bosses frequently quips: “What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Well, I must certainly be insane, then. That is to be sure.

Repeat after me: “I hate the pub. I hate the pub. I hate the pub…”

*PA waves white flag in surrender*

What am I going to do with myself? Short of seriously joining AA which I really don’t want to do… *rolls eyes* Going back to work will be a good thing at least for this reason alone. I will not be able to go out drinking and then be expected to show up for work in the morning if I can’t even get some shuteye!

Not much on the agenda today. Following up with some phone calls so I need to stay at home to await returned messages. I have made an appointment tomorrow at work to get things in order. Back to crazy psychiatrist the day after.

I’m tempted to create a new Tag/Category: PA Is Stupid.

Scared away completely now, D.? *sigh*