Archive for May 4th, 2007

Wishing


Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

Where I live it can often be very difficult to see the stars.  Too many bright lights obscure them.  But from where I am right now, I can actually see some. 

I’ve always loved Astronomy but I know very little about it.  I tried to fit in a course while in university at my “satellite” campus (no pun intended) but there were scheduling conflicts.  It was a smaller branch of a larger university that actually had an observatory right there.

I was outside the other night and a great, bright (I am assuming) star caught my attention.  I have since tried to figure out what it is.  Maybe a planet? Venus? No, apparently Venus is only visible a dawn and dusk? The North Star? No, that’s on the handle of the “Little Dipper” aka Ursa Minor even though that is in fact the constellation of which it is a part.  I couldn’t detect that but I could see the “Big Dipper” or Ursa Major (same applies re: the constellation part.)  The “Dippers” are actually called “asterisms” and are parts of constellations.

But I am getting off track with my amateur Astronomy lesson.

So while outside a few nights ago, I stared at this star(?) and repeated the above rhyme in my head and made a wish.  I can’t remember the last time I did this.  Surely when I was very little but any time in the recent past and seriously?!

Alright, this post may be bordering on completely embarrassing.

But I think my wish may have come true.  It wasn’t for anything huge or extravagant.  In my mind, the way I sort of phrased it, I felt it was quite simple.

Now I may be seeming rather silly, childish, even immature.  But that’s okay.  Just thinking about it makes me feel good.  And that’s definitely okay.

So to anyone out there who’s struggling with any issues or problems or maybe just really wants something that might make them happy (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that!) my advice to you is look skyward, pick the first, bright star that catches your eye and make that wish.

You just never know…

 


Okay, maybe I need to give up blogging.  It seems to be my new addiction.  And smoking.  To hell with Bipolar/ADD/Seizures and Migraines…and well undetermined Gastrointestinal Disorders…let’s go for Lung Cancer! 

I got an apology from the Social Worker.  That was nice.  We had a good session, I guess.  She actually seems better than my own that I see weekly for therapy.  Hmmm.  She’s jumping right into some coping mechanisms for next week whereas all I ever do with my regular therapist is “just talk.”

My psychiatrists are still trying to convince me to go home for at least some part of the weekend.  And egad, perhaps even sleep there! They’re telling me not to think so hard about it and just do it.  Okay…brains–especially mine–don’t work like that.

So let’s take a straw poll.  What do I do folks?


*sigh*

I decided to log on to my work account.  I had over 2500 emails.  I’m on a list where a lot of them aren’t really applicable to me but still as a member of the department, I am always a little concerned to take myself off the list when I go on vacation.  I’m afraid that I still might miss something that is important.

Well now that I seem to be taking a bit longer of a “vacation” things are really piling up.  I didn’t think it would be that bad though! Holy shit! I tried to start deleting some of them but this computer is painfully slow at times and I think I got through one day?

The OHS nurse from work called me while I was in yet another group therapy session.  Yes, I am still forcing myself to go and at times I think I am still getting at least some things out of it/them. 

They need “paperwork” filed at work while I am away.  They’ve mailed it to me but of course, nobody is home! She wants me to call her back this afternoon but I am avoiding it by blogging.  I suppose I will do it after I post this. 

I need to meet with the Social Worker that upset me, pissed me off, made me cry, sent me into a paranoid frenzy etc… later this afternoon.  I am not looking forward to it.  She’s changed the appointment three times now–as in the exact time we are supposed to meet.  I’m kind of just hoping “something else will come up” and she’ll just cancel altogether.

My appetite is decreasing.  I am still eating though but I don’t seem to be hungry.  Well, really that’s nothing entirely new but I’ve noticed that…well, I’m just not hungry! Is it the Lamictal increase? My anxiety? My mood/s being all bizarre in general? 

It was easier before when I got here as PA will generally eat a bit more if food is shoved in her face.  But lately, it’s getting hard.  And today, I received mouldy bread with my sandwich.  Fantabulous! I gave it to one of the more outspoken nurses to return to the kitchen to hopefully give them proper hell.  At least I’m getting my Ensure now but sometimes they still can’t get it right and give me strawberry.  Sorry but I’m only willing to go as far as vanilla.  Chocolate is the rule and they have been told about 10 times now? 

I don’t know what else to say.  I’m bored but still a bit anxious.  I remember my very first hospitalization where after about two weeks I told my psychiatrist I was getting a little bored and he said that was a good sign.  He said that it meant I was ready to be discharged.  Funnily enough (or not) I ended up being re-admitted to another hospital six weeks later.

I’m being very cautious with this stay.  Right now I feel like a young foal just starting to gain its legs.  Perhaps like I may have even emerged from the womb? I don’t feel I’m ready at all to be discharged yet, however.

Oh, and another thing.  This is kind of bugging me.  I called a friend who lives a bit of a distance away but he is still a friend and told him where I was, that I had my phone with me and he could access me via email.  Nothing.  Let’s hear it for my local (or semi-local) support system! Oh well, at least I have some of you bloggers out that that have been rallying around me?

But it depresses me that no one seems to be around that is closer.  Oh well, not much I can really do about it? I guess it’s just the reality of the situation.